Searching for anything good...(sigh)

[Im-Suffering]

I didn't get any approval from my parents. I didn't know my Mother or Father even though they were there in the same house until I was 10 years old. hmm, weird.

All of this because you just wanted love. You see? To be loved, held, told you were special, hugged, and most of all validated. Approved of not because of grades, or what you do, but importantly now - because of who you are.

You are not special because of throwing a ball, or grades..You are to be validated at the very basic sense because you are human, approved of because you are you, a unique, important, vital part of creaturehood. And you came in as a gift to creation, with your own sense of self. Your parents would ideally love and cherish you because of this, and you were to be cradled in it, supported.

It was not your fault, and to this day it still isn't. Your father has grown and realized his mistakes to some extent, while mom drowns her guilt, betrayal, shame, in unfulfilled days of vice, and sorrow. Dad's separation was enough psychologically from mom to enable healing to a degree, self forgiveness through recapitulation. For mom, how sad for the soul to be so detached from love and who she is. But remember, this was her conditioning too, from her caregivers, so in a sense, it is not her fault either.

Now you are beginning to understand, all those things you did were fake, they weren't real, the businesses, the troubles, the winning. While you were busy with those things saying 'look at me mom', the repressed emotional energy was turning toward the body directed in destructive ways, you see? It had no where to go. Even the successes were met with indifference. You were damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

It's important to realize that not only should you stop the emotional rollercoaster, but to stop reminiscing and looking at the past. It was all fake. Pretend. It was, and still is to an extent that child looking for that approval. You've got to work in therapy to heal that child if you are ever going to find yourself, who are you? That boy still is waiting for validation, sitting inside you watching you spin yourself silly when all that you ever need is in that basic approval. You are approved of because of your journey, you are here, and inherently you are in a state of grace, that basic human alive-ness gives you integrity, not for any other reason but that you are alive. The little boy was meant to feel shameful and afraid of his future, bad and lonely, unloved, unwanted. As if his basic integrity or humanhood was somehow corrupt. You must talk to the boy in therapy and release this, heal him, he is you. Do you feel compassion for him? Will you love him, unconditionally? You need him to assist in the body's healing on a much deeper level than I care to discuss here at the moment. But, I hope for you to change your belief, the body is not a lost cause. At any moment there can be miraculous healing. That belief in itself would aid the natural resources of your cells in returning to mobility. The cellular blueprint is health, not disease, and they are always following that blueprint. But you see, you must face your beliefs, even if that means suffering. So you are not working in harmony, but against the natural framework of your body. The body believes in health, while you and the doctors prescribe to disease.

Just like your projections onto mom and her behaviour, so do you project beliefs onto the body, so the way towards healing is to see yourself differently, even if you still suffer, for it has taken time to reach this point, and it will take time for new beliefs to take hold. For example if you pictured yourself healthy and mobile, and worked on that in your imagination for some time each day, you would begin to see improvement in a months time.

Now you must realize the framework you have set up, you have constructed a future that depends on illness, do you understand? Financially, etc. Monies can come from everywhere, not only disability. Your probable future would change and thus the current framework would shatter opening new possibilities. You could be healthy and win the lottery, in those terms. But in the current framework all probable realities other than the current focus are shut out.

It would be helpful to give posts like this to your therapist. Either they would dismiss me as crazy, or it would help them in helping you.

That is all for this morning. I will tell you heartily that the information coming through here is excellent. My guides have just told me.

You, have a healthy, and prosperous day

[Im-Suffering]

The post above is complete at 924. I've got to say that because I'm continually adding. But it's done now.

[needtogetwell]

Eman,

Through your story I see much of myself. Is it a sign of our generation? Maybe. The parallels I can draw on my own life are much the same as yours, even though the specifics as different.

The need for love and acceptance is of immense importance, and above all else love and acceptance of ourselves. We both have a long road to travel but I think we've both made the first steps.

Here's to the journey my friend.
Cheers!

[Enduronman]

All of this because you just wanted love. You see? Approved of because you are you. It was not your fault, and to this day it still isn't. Your father has grown and realized his mistakes. (True). Your mom drowns her guilt, betrayal, shame, in unfulfilled days of vice, and sorrow. (True). But remember, this was her conditioning too, from her caregivers, so in a sense, it is not her fault either. Even the successes were met with indifference. You were damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Stop reminiscing and looking at the past. It would be helpful to give posts like this to your therapist. That is all for this morning. I will tell you heartily that the information coming through here is excellent. My guides have just told me.

You, have a healthy, and prosperous day

I fully understand more things now, then I ever had before.
I was yet again hit with sarcasm the second I saw my Mother enter this room this morning.
"Do you still have work to do on that computer all the time?"
"What, are you writing a book or something?"
Uh, "Well, this is how I communicate with my Dad, both daughters, my son, my girlfriend, my doctor so yes, I guess I have work to do."
I wanted to say "none of your business, and I don't get drunk and call anyone who will answer every night."
I also wanted to say "Yes, I am writing a book, about you and how you are."

So, I tried to dig a little deeper into her mind to figure out why everything that comes out of her mouth is negative, pessimistic, sarcasm, judging of others.
I heard a story that I didn't know of. She was abandoned at age 3 by her Father, she saw him once a year, he was in WWII, an MP, he lived in a one room place, he didn't pay support, he wasn't there for her, he got ran over by a truck when she was 8, and she started crying about it and saying that she wasn't raised well and had a rough life.
Then she started saying that I have raised my girls incorrectly, by enabling them to be dependent upon me, or someone else. Judging how I parented them. Judging by how I tried to fill the void in their lives, left by their Mother that abandoned them. Says that it is all wrong.

I now know where her negative, cynical, pessimism, selfishness, judgmental, attitudes towards everyone else, comes from. Childhood. A damaged childhood.
She has no fucking right, to judge me, or anyone else, regardless of how tough she had it. Just because I raise my kids, differently. Then she raised me or how she was raised.
She carries events from the pasts, around with her, everywhere she goes, daily. Things beyond her own control. At the time.

I am learning more and more throughout all of these word exchanges and I thank you for taking the time to present them to me as well.

I really want to leave here. We are all being punished by her own misfortunes of her life. 73 years ago. Sad....

E-Man.

[Enduronman]

Eman,

Through your story I see much of myself. Is it a sign of our generation? Maybe. The parallels I can draw on my own life are much the same as yours, even though the specifics as different.

The need for love and acceptance is of immense importance, and above all else love and acceptance of ourselves. We both have a long road to travel but I think we've both made the first steps.

Here's to the journey my friend.
Cheers!

I don't know exactly wtf this person's entire deal is, but it is frustrating, annoying, infuriating at times.
She will be whatever she is going to be I guess. It's no wonder that no one wants to be around her.
She may not even wonder why that is either..
What a journey!
Blessings.

E-Man.

[needtogetwell]

I don't know exactly wtf this person's entire deal is, but it is frustrating, annoying, infuriating at times. She will be whatever she is going to be I guess. It's no wonder that no one wants to be around her. She may not even wonder why that is either.. What a journey! Blessings. E-Man.

I think in the years to come, our mothers may come to the realization that being elderly is a lonely place when you have alienated your children. For the time being my mom (78yrs) has my dad (85yrs), but she has effectively alienated both my sister and me. Time will tell whether I ease up my position regarding her. She always said I would get back in life what I gave out, well I certainly hope the same holds true in reverse.

Here's hoping your day has gone well, I've had much buracratic bull shit to deal with today and my mother in law, time for a nap.

Smile my friend, it makes the journey a little more tolerable.

Pam

[Dahila]

Pam and Ch. You are so right, and taking the lesson from your experience I started to rebuild my relations with my children, and it is working, good good, and making me happy and loved. Thanks my friends

[Enduronman]

I think in the years to come, our mothers may come to the realization that being elderly is a lonely place when you have alienated your children. For the time being my mom (78yrs) has my dad (85yrs), but she has effectively alienated both my sister and me. Time will tell whether I ease up my position regarding her. She always said I would get back in life what I gave out, well I certainly hope the same holds true in reverse.

Here's hoping your day has gone well, I've had much buracratic bull shit to deal with today and my mother in law, time for a nap.

Smile my friend, it makes the journey a little more tolerable.

Pam

Yes, I can understand the alienating the children aspect very well. She has done the same thing with my sister, treated her the same ways, acted the same, behaved in the same manner, said much of the same things. My sister won't even talk to her, or even call her Mom. She calls her by name. My sis will not ease up her position and I too am struggling to even find a position at the moment. Yesterday, was by far the most trying and difficult day yet, since I have been here. I had sent her a Facebook message stating that it would be nice if we all (me, my Dad, my son, my daughter, my Mom) had dinner together on Saturday night and celebrated my son's 16th birthday. She made it clear that she despises my youngest daughter, doesn't want her around, all because of her past. The past drug addiction, the past arrests, the pasts failures in school, the pasts words my daughter spoke to her by telling her to shut the fuck up, and the fact that I and my Dad enable her by giving her money daily so she can have gas in her car and a pack of smokes too. Yesterday was a day filled with Judgment and it didn't stop until late in the evening. When she of course, passed out. That's what brought out all that bullshit that I did not know of my Mom's childhood. The fact that she was abandoned at age 3, the crying, the sadness, as if she is jealous that my Dad and I both do whatever we can to make my daughters life, more simple, easier, more bearable for her. I told my Mom that we do help her because we feel that we are filling a huge void left behind in her life by the fact that she was abandoned by her Mother 7 years ago. THAT didn't, and does not, sit well with this parent that I am forced to live with. She thinks that my Father and I are wrong, wishes for us to conform, wishes to change how we act, wishes to change how we treat my daughter, when in all reality, we wish that she would quit drinking, stop Judging us, and forgive my daughter for the mistakes of herpast. Does she give a flying fuck what WE think SHE should or shouldn't be doing? NO. She does the same thing, every single day, starting at 3pm, until she passes out. She creates her own havoc, disruptions, turmoil, troubles, mental disorders, misery, in this few hour period of time. I heard her call my Dad and tell him how wrong he is, how wrong I am, how she doesn't want my daughter around her, how sad it is that my other daughter is pregnant again, and I was within mere seconds of throwing the phone through the window, and pushing my parent to the floor while speaking the same words that my daughter has already spoken. Shut The Fuck Up! STOP JUDGING EVERYONE ELSE AND LOOK INTO THE MIRROR YOU FUCKIN DRUNK! She is, and has, alienated everyone in the family. Like Mother, like daughter, they BOTH think that it is everyone else, that has a problem. Not themselves. Everyone else is wrong. Not them. She will never change. She doesn't even know that she's doing it. She doesn't even wonder why no one wants to be around her. She doesn't even understand why my nephew didn't visit all summer. It's ALL because of her. I would be better off, if I didn't give a fuck about any of it but that's hard to do being such a sensitive person, with a semi-rational, semi-logical, semi-sensible, mind. LOL!

I need to simply, get away from here, move out, be gone..with that smile you mentioned to make this journey more tolerable. I may not feel better physically, but mentally I would be golden. I'm working on how to do that now. How, when, where, how fast I can make that happen. I would be a happier more rounded person. This place is creating a huge sludge pit of emotions within my mind. Up shit creek without a paddle. Looking for that paddle now! Surely it has to be around here somewhere...maybe I need better glasses.

My X wife, and Mother of all my children, would not allow them to see their Grandmother for many years because of words that she had spoken to my X. I never believed that this person would have said such things to her, harsh, hateful words. This person never admitted to speaking them. I now see and realize that those words were in fact, spoken and true. This was a major reason for our divorce, it played a major role in it as my X kept my children away from my family. For good reasons, that I now feel. Her thoughts, feelings, actions, were all real and not make believe as I had thought. For some strange reason, I feel as if I owe her an apology for my ignorance. In all reality, my Mother took part in my divorce, and all the other terrible things that followed along with the abandonment, moving out of State with my son, and my daughters addictions, troubles, issues, mental disorders, views, perspectives, perception, of this world and everything in it. All this, I was forced to learn and know.

My brain hurts! I hurt everywhere else, why not there now too!!! YAY!!!

Maybe, this was my lesson and what I was supposed to learn. What a tough class! Only problem is that I can't quit! Shit....

(sigh)

E-Man. grrr

[Enduronman]

Pam and Ch. You are so right, and taking the lesson from your experience I started to rebuild my relations with my children, and it is working, good good, and making me happy and loved. Thanks my friends

I am learning lessons that I didn't want too!
I am also leaning more towards making my children feel happy and loved too, I refuse to be like anyone other than who I am.
Have a great day Dahl!

E-Man

[needtogetwell]

I guess Ch that it is true that some of us learn lessons the hard way. Growing up in families devoid of love and affection simply has devastating long term effects. Case in point, I am now rediculously sensitive the feeling of being unappreciated or taken for granted. That was seriously part of the reason why my first marriage failed. I suppose I have been so desperate for love, acknowledgement and appreciation that I sometimes find it difficult to see the world through another's eyes.

I am probably the most unselfish and giving person out there. Yesterday I got seriously annoyed with my husband because he failed to acknowledge my efforts in a trying day we had with his mother. She has alzhimers disease and the world is slipping away from her. I am the one who deals with everything for her. I drive her around to doctor appointments, do her laundry, shop for her, deal with the various agencies who see her on a daily basis while she is still in her own home, go tour the various nursing homes that she may be placed in, deal with all her bills, banking and all the various legalities regarding her power of attorney, the list seems endless. For all that all I expected was a "thank you" for dealing with his mom. I didn't get it, and immediately felt unappreciated. To his credit, he often does thank me for all I do for her.

I once spoke of this to a friend and was told " well that's what families do, they love eachother and take care of their own". Well it's a lovely sentiment but when you grow up in a family devoid of affection and nurturing from a mother, it is a difficult concept to wrap your brain around.

Ok, I'm babbling now....

Ch, you did a wonderful thing suggesting that you have a family dinner to celebrate your sons birthday. Go ahead with your plans, even if your mom chooses not to be a part of it. And don't fool yourself, it is a choice she has made.

I wish your son a very happy 16th birthday! So hide the keys to your car cause you know that's next! Lol

Cheers my friend, here's to a day where we both find reasons to smile!

Pam