Searching for anything good...(sigh)

[Im-Suffering]

hmmm..
Maybe, I do feel guilty of a divorce in 2006.
Maybe, I do feel guilty that my children's Mother decided to abandon them in 2007.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of having to go bankrupt in 2008.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of not paying my State taxes in 2009 and they levied my bank accounts for $8000.00 that same year.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about watching my daughters both struggle without their Mother in 2010, when the trigeminal neuralgia arrived. Rare disease. 150,000 people in the US with this. 25% of them, men.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about not being a better parent to them although I thought I was doing the best that I could have at the time when the shingles arrived in 2011.
Maybe, I did feel guilty about watching my daughter become a drug addict in March of 2012, passed out, sitting in a chair that was on fire, with the door open and cold outside, with a Grandson on the floor crawling.
Then, the arrival of this relapsing polychondritis in May of that year. Very rare disease. 3000 people in the entire world with it. My Sister being one of them. And the issues, troubles, pain, problems it brought into my life.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about realizing that my other daughter had also become a drug addict as well. The arrests. The charges. The convictions. The jail time.
Maybe, I hold myself responsible for all of this. For their behavior. For their bad decisions and choices.
Maybe, I also hold myself responsible for my oldest daughter giving up both of her first 2 Sons. Both of them adopted into other families. Because of drug abuse, use, addiction.
I have done things, that which I regret, when I allow myself to think about it. In a sense, I am afraid to "feel" because "feelings" bring me physical pain.
Nothing you have stated, is too deep for a message board. I can see it, sense it, feel it, understand it all.
You are not failing, to reach me. You are forcing me, to look beyond where the eyes can see. You have done an excellent job, at making your mark.
I am digging deep within my own soul, mind, at the moment. Looking into my inner feelings, that I have always been afraid of. True.
Your words are extremely powerful, well presented, well put, and have made a point that means a lot to me...
Searching for a new direction, new pathway, new meanings, new perceptions. Very interesting, mind boggling at the same time, challenging.
You're quite an individual, unique, rare, talented, very wise.
Much, much, appreciated friend. Nice to meet you again.

E-Man

Remember the guilts are stored, and not just from this lifetime, if you believe in multiple lives, I hesitate to say, that really doesn't matter, it doesn't change the truth.

A good exercise to release guilt, before bed when you are resting comfortably, recapitulate your day. What did I do today that I'm pleased with, and what did I do to feel guilty about. Did I hurt someone's feelings...then you will say 'I did do this or that and I'm not proud of it, but I will not let it happen again". Now it is released, or often, in the morning make amends with your brother or sister as best you can with communication. then- it is released.

You see by recapitulating daily you will not forget any......or bury any.....or store any.....and that is 'natural guilt' and is meant to heal. The animals experience a form of guilt, but they quickly absolve themselves of any self punishment. The cat and mouse chase each other in a game. The cat eats the mouse. The cat enjoys the warm flesh and the mouse gives its body over to the cat for the sake of fulfilling the cats experience, the mouses consciousness leaves the body beforehand so it feels no pain. The mouse also intuitively knows it can build another body.....animals view death very differently. What we see in animals is what we project onto them. Now I am not justifying killing, humans kill for other reasons, and there is no justification. I am saying the cat does not feel guilt, not in any context we could understand. In a sense the cat and mouse are closer to their true selves, you see. And a cat is always a cat, and joyfully expressing catness, it never wishes it were a dog.

On a side note - I would not dig too deep on your own, exposing any deep emotions before your therapy appointment. Because I don't want you to be overwhelmed, they need to be released, so make a journal in the meantime of future discussions where you can then dig in to the heart of it, in a safe environment, you see?