Searching for anything good...(sigh)

[Im-Suffering]

Really stressed, anxious.
Trying to pinpoint the major majority of it, and it mostly boils down to living with my alcoholic parent. I hate seeing her get so drunk, every single night. Its making me sicker.
Yes, I have mentioned this to her, many times already. She says that alcohol isn't a drug, says its so sad that I have to take so many pills, staggers around here, mumbles, talks to herself.
Goes in and out the door last night, 23 times! All in the matter of an hour. I heard her say "I'm going to make another drink, fuck it"....she is causing me HIGH ANXIETY.
In all honesty, I think that she is making her life and my life more miserable then it already is. My doctor suggested that maybe I should move into a shelter where I may be happier.
I am taking that into consideration. This place is stressing me the fuck out. I could barely understand her last night. Asking me if I am eating dinner when clearly I was.
She asked me the same question twice!!! With food in front of me, at 7 pm!!!. You think maybe that's what I'm doing???!!!!! (SIGH)...
Got to get out of here today. Going to look at a house with my girlfriend. Then maybe just sit at her house for a little while, away from here...
Thanks for reading.

E-Man

You think deadening you senses with drugs is more noble in appearance than alcohol? And any less painful to watch? Vice is vice. Who is to judge pain? Are you any better because the pain is in your ankles, where hers is in her soul? Are you helping to resolve each other's pain? love seeks to heal. Love wants to heal, the other, that is true love because it returns tenfold to you. You have both given up on each other, and turned your backs from thy beloved healing toward vice, and harshness of tongue. The heart would speak differently. If one was in touch with the heart. It is the broken heart that causes so much of the troubles. I give you more here in a paragraph than 2 years of therapy.

You watching your mother, is not as painful, to her, as she watching you. Some of the alcohol dulls her own pain, and some the vision of you (which you project). Where is the pride in her son, where has his life gone, the value, the integrity of the soul itself? Who's fault is it? Her shame, guilt is on par. You both love each other. Yet each are helpless to change each other's life. So you have one that dulls that in spirits, and one who's spirits are dulled in physical pain. Your lives are intertwined where you both must learn the same lessons and so you are both stuck in a box until you do.

She gave birth to you. And this as a man you can not relate to. The deep, connections associated with the birthing process. Being of negative slant, she isn't capable of positive e reinforcements, but then neither are you. Two people together in a box, who at the core have the deepest earth connection possible, each watching their beloved fade away. Life has lost its value.

You are walking around your house with a mirror attached to you, and if you move away you will feel even more guilty. Although a small sense of relief, that will be short lived. You both are there for a reason, both metaphysical and physically speaking. You are meant to help and encourage, not to destroys and tear apart.

Destroy her will, you destroy yourself, and the original intent adulterated. Two souls in need of love, care, nurturing. You both might not get that this life, so you will do it again. No escape for the lessons, that s what the pain is about. Ignorance increases the vice grip of the pain.

You get it?

The advice of the shelter is poor for this soul. You are projecting despondency upon the therapist, and thus being open to telepathic suggestions the therapist is no more than a puppet. Projecting despondency has returned a suggestion that would reinforce those expectations, so the shelter idea is corroborating of how you feel inside. Be careful how you feel before sessions, for the expectations will set the tone, and you do want positive reinforcement, do you understand?

Build your mother up, stop tearing her down, even behind her back ! Stop feeling less of a man for living there and beating yourself up in guilt and shame. You feel you are a burden, at you age, there are several negative mental conflicts as you judge yourself for the position you are in.

But you are there for a reason....Two old souls/friends that need to work things out, and help each other find a life again. I tell you.....again...things are not always as they seem. Save her life, and you just might save your own. And here is the paradox, save your own life and you save hers.

I am not editing now, eye strain, so if there is spelling grammar, mistype, so be it, work around it.