Under My Rock - The musings of an Anti Social Individual

[Ponder]

Going to have a couple of days break Dahila - Need to focus on this online training. Be well. ;)

[Dahila]

thanks , I am exhausted..........market day for me........ I see you when I see you :)

[Ponder]

Your expectations are your limitations – shed your beliefs, shed your fear – shed your anxiety:

Excellent breakdown on how intention works.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvmSVx_r3DM

Hope this finds you well.

[Ponder]

Here's a tip for going deeper into meditation. Go outside and take a comfy seat. Sit it however you find it most relaxing. Generally keeping the spine straight is preferred as too, having arms and legs uncrossed. For this method to have it's desired effect you must be facing the sun. Early morning and later afternoon for regions closer to the equator. Just be sure to check your UV levels:

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1455/25504159663_d921e0ddd4_o.png
Essentially all you really need do is visualize with eyes shut and facing away from the sun; (I prefer in line close to but not directly to the sun - with eye lids "shut") make a relaxed but conscious effort to sense nothing other than the color that comes via light filtering through your eyes. Do this while focusing on your breath, the smells outside as too the sounds in the surrounding area. As you extend your range of sensory perception, focus no more an the source of distraction, but the space in between. The key to this method is to feel the light coming through your eyes to a point where you feel yourself falling into a space of emptiness in which you inhabit your body on a cellular level.

The warmer you feel, and the more you sense the blood vessel in your eyes, the deeper the connection you can make with empty space. A place where you can momentarily practice being free from pain. I ought to practice it more often myself, if only to discovery what comes next.

Such was my meditation practice this morning ... I do believe I will now go back our for more.

Just another method that may or may not work. Works for me.

If anyone here is adventurous as I and will to give it a try, please do let me what you think?

PS - relax your eyes and play around with how much they are open or shut to adjust the amount of light you let or do not let in.

[Ponder]

My heart rate was around 180 bmp this morning. Not bad for a 47 year old hey. I was able to sustain for about 30 second intervals during some sprinting sessions after a 30 minute warm up of jogging around the sports field. It's amazing how resilient the heart really is. I really think people in here are simply addicted to panic because they really can't be bothered doing anything else.

I can think of worse things to die of compared to heart attack. Reminds me when I had a mystery respiratory illness that was viewed as psychosomatic. No matter though - as I was having somewhat like asthma attack, I remember well what it was like when I was about to pass or fade out. Was actually not as bad as I thought it would be. I suppose drowning can be like that too. All comes down to the way we control the fall I guess.

Anyways - other than the tear in my ass hole that needs rectifying - lol - I am feeling really good from a respiratory point of view.

Have a great day everyone.

Life could be worse.

[Ponder]

Finished off with a 30 minute session at the gym on the treadmill. Time to change my tact - a 60 day Juice Reboot. LOL - not sure I can go that kind of distance, but I am way more ready than when I did my 6 day water fast. I've decided to go juice fasting a go this time due to it being easier on the liver and kidneys. I've got some heavy metals in me and fuck knows what else -

I have an advocate/support person coming with me to the doctor tomorrow. I'm just so over being treated like a fucking idiot. The hospital sends me home and tells me to take movicol, the GP tells me not to take it, I told him how my water fasting experience helped me, he tells me not to do it, I explain about my plant based diet, he tells me to take fiber sups, it just goes on like that every fucking time I see him. I always walk out the door feeling dismissed and with absolutely no plan or direction. Even the hospital told me to go back to the doctor and get RE-refereed ... he can't even do that fucking right.

I am exhausted ... I have scratched out some notes for the doctor tomorrow but did not have the energy to review the whole ordeal. Best I am aiming for is for him to get his referral to the hospital in fucking order and also to let him know just how much fucking pain I have been in.
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I can just imagine his comments about my juice fast - no encouragement what so over - 23 kg lighter and not one word of encouragement. Once I get the referral and things start to roll on that score ... I'm ditching this impostor of a doctor and going keep searching until I find one that knows how to listen.

I have cleansed myself out tonight with Epsom salts, prunes, warm water and steamed spinach finished off with licorice tea.

Tomorrow I will begin my entry into juice fasting - might be a week, two or 4 on a plant based before entering into juice only. Going to buy a book as a means to a plan. See what happens. Looks like I will be backing right of all the exercise as protein is not going to be high on my list. This is a healing fast - which means the least amount of activity with the least amount of high protein foods. It's a whole new ball game when dealing with healing fasts - no weights at any rate .. maybe mild jogging but will have to be super body aware.

The re-entry phase is always the best - but for now, I've set the intent for a new challenge and happy to embrace it.

I'm a little fucking crazy with things like that. I also "fed up" yet again - something is not right and I need to take action, where I know that doctors are not!!!
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Tomorrow I also go out and buy some new threads. ;)

[Dahila]

23 kg lighter :D that's awesome, you must look completely different now. I can not go on treadmill, i could visit my daughter she got one but treadmill is no, no for me, always hurt myself on it. going slow is not me so I always start like crazy and this is the effect :)) it is good to read you in the morning. Thank you D.

[Ponder]

Thanks Dahila. I am at my wits end. I don't know what direction I am taking from here. I was just clutching at straws with my last post. I really don't have the money to waste on so called professionals. I would rather spend the money on the highly prices healthy food. It's just complicated with no gall bladder and the list of trailing afflictions that have followed in that wake.

It's most certainly a return to plant based eating for me with perhaps some cleanings and small reboot fast in between. My cleansing yesterday has me feeling much better. I think the "nut milk" is a no no for now - also the processed products I made. Just goes to show what others consider healthy is not so for another.

I'm going to have to looking into plant based protein as other forms are just plain too taxing for my digestive system as it now be. My mind set still needs to keep active so I will have to be careful with how I balance that as to how I eat. I really am in the fine tuning stages now with maintenance now the focus.

I just hope I make some head way at the doctors office this morning with respect to getting a referral that actually counts.

I hope this finds you well enough.

How's did you go at the markets?

[Ponder]

Doctors - This is what I have to deal with: Righto - first day in 5 yesterday where I was not rolling around the bed in pain unable to sit or lie is extreme discomfort. I must say though, even though I was fortunate enough for my personal helper and mentor friend to agree to come to the doctors with me; it was a rather draining experience. I do believe my mentor understood the predicament I had been trying to explain when being so pessimistic on the topic of my doctor.

Just having the support made me feel so much more able to communicate my frustrations in a more factual manner. I did not allow the doctor to dismiss me so easily this time around, and given that I had been playing the submissive patient without any support each time I saw the doctor, the doctor could not avoid his dismissive and demeaning ways - although he did try given the changing dynamic of that visit now that I had some support.

It is my belief that not only is the doctor discouraged and encouraged by the "system" to ensure that only the "seriously ill" (when your nearly dead and often too late with things like cancer having evolved); that only then they can send you for Medicare Tests - but his general complacency as a welfare doctor also lends to a stigmatising way of dealing with me, due to my unemployed status and being pensioned off as a "mentally unstable non contributor". I use the latter term as no more than a stigma constantly revealed like so and publicly unquestioned within the wide spread media. Because I am all about recovery, I choose not to see myself that way. None the less, stigma is rampant and such is only one of many negative views within our society. My point is, that many professionals snowed under a system overflowing with by-product (sick people) - it's understandable that in a complacent system as the welfare sector be, that such narrow mindedness ensues. I would add that such residual effect only adds to the debilitation than many are seeking help for. Such is the nature when it comes to metaphors as "perpetual cycle".

Knowing all this without taking things personal, having tried to review my condition once more now having the confidence to do so, I was continually dismissed as usual. The doctor even attempted to use my support person as a sounding board as a means to dismiss me. I immediately pointed out that the personal helper and mentor was attending for my benefit and not his. I highlighted how the demeanour in which he was addressing my support was inappropriate and that he should only direct his concerns with me. I constantly had to reassure that doctor that my having brought a support person along was .not for the doctor to prove anything to anyone.
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The end result - I finally - and I mean FINALLY - got a referral off him. It was not for what I wanted - granted it is a test that may lead or may not lead to a general surgeon. (which is what I believe I need) Sadly I will have many more months if not an entire year of rolling round in pain due to the un-healling and extreme pain I have when going to the toilet that lasts an entire day. I do have some good days, but not many. The impact on my life is starting to take it's toll with my family and also my attending psychotherapy which I do twice weekly and 3 times every six weeks. I'm barely just managing - I have to be like super Zen to keep up my healthy eating and also my activity. (The exercise is and it's effect can either be conducive and counterproductive; but that's another story - it's more conducive to me remaining zen. I think that sums that issue up ... I am mindful on all aspects of my pain engagement)

As well as ever so slowly getting the ball rolling with said test (singular) ... Suddenly the doctor seems to be hearing my about the fact I have no gall bladder - and the concerns relating to my digestion and complication that presents to a torn ass hole (Fucking Dugh!) - SO - given the rather assertive and unwavering manner I have had to resort too ... He has suddenly deemed my acceptable to see a dietitian, who may be better equipped to deal with my physiology in respect to what it is that I consume. Who knows, maybe they can help me with a plan that does not involve constantly fasting to identify trigger foods.

SEE - Once again ... herein lay the issue. The stigma that is unconsciously often reverted to (and on both sides I may add - yours truly included), see the dynamic in the doctor patient relationship, as one that often lacks respect. It's rampant in the welfare sector and due to chasing the money, not entirely devoid in the private sector either.

My personal helper and mentor friend has agreed to come to further visits given it seems apparent it will more than likely be the only way I will be heard and or receive beneficial help. It was made clear after I attempted to explain I think it would be better seeking another doctor due to the current rapport - that to do so would result in me having to start from the beginning again. My wife explained to me, that was another way of the doctor refusing to hand over medical records to another doctor. That basically the doctor is in some way holding me ransom in some way - whatever that means. I think it means I need to change doctors irrespectively.

I can not bare to see this doctor any more by myself. I am thinking of making an appointment with another - simply to ask what my rights are with respect to hospital information and tests already done. I do not like the implication this doctor has made to me, with my most diplomatic of attempts to let bigons be bigons (not that I want to be one) and allow me to see someone else. I think that is what my wife means when she uses the word "ransom?"

I am nearly at my wits end ... I tell ya ... the things we got to put up with when taking charge and trying to be healthy members of the public. Grrrrr - I can see very much now, why many people on welfare infact do just that - Give Up. It's a very sad state of affairs. I refuse to give up - and make these doctors accountable.

I will have a new tact in dealing with this doctor holding me ransom the way he is - I am documenting everything agreement that comes up in every visit from this point forward and keeping it all legal like from that point on. Each time I come back I will have my own records and be sure to focus on accountability. Truth is, this doctor often forgets and I simply can not afford that. Once he was holding a blood test that was months old - one that I made him pull out of his mess. Whilst attempting to tell my all my levels where fine, he suddenly found something that was not. The result only confirmed what I was saying. This is what I am dealing with and many millions more.

It is what it is - I see my mentor friend again today. I talk more with him how we handle this from here. I will one way or another be changing doctors soon enough.

Thanks for listening.

[Ponder]

I've earned myself a good nights sleep! I envisage an awesome early morning run. I was pain free today - mostly at any rate. :) Woo hoooooooo!!! - I did a solid workout in the Gym and immediately followed up with some treadmill work. Paced myself and ate just right for the rest of the day. Relationships wise I also managed to get by which also helps to recover from all the work. That alone kind of helps me focus on avoiding triggers - doing things my ego would rather not ...

Whatever the *&^% ya reckon Davy Boy ... - speaking to itself again it is ... I wonder what that means ... "He's at again ziggy!"

I reckon it means I'm in for an awesome mornings run!!!! YEA. Another Heart Pounding Run. Oh my heart ... Please respond - my heart is beating ... wtf am I to do????? Jesus - Dear lord, help me ... my heart is beating????? OMG someone please help.

Thank You for AF dear lord ... Sigh ... Oh Thank you SIIIIIIGGGGHHHH ... heart beat now subsides??????
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NEW POST - Help, I can't feel a pulse - OMFG SOMEONE HELP!!!!!!!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

PS - I will most likely wake 3 times to take a piss - but hey ... that's life. I've just learned how to get some quality sleep in those moments in between and make them count. Hardships are a normal part of the cycle. once you come to accept that, it's no where near as bad as the billboards would have you believe. How about I swap you my torn ass hole for your sleepless night? I''m easy either way - perhaps you would like a 6 month bout of sever scabies? It's good to have a little experience with some of these thing. LMFAO ... so the rebirth community would have us all believe.

Sorry - just fucking with ya's ... although the experiences I can now laugh about to some degree.

Just go to fucking bed Dave ... and dream about your run. Go easy as well - no need to aggravate your new imaginary friend. Here's also to hoping that one allows us a better day - keep the fruits up and whatever the fuck else that magic combination of food is ... that keeps us blissful friends. Arr how simple life can be when suddenly pain free. A special thanks to my new special friend. Ouchhhhhh errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr .... Sigh.....

Adios - until next post.

"Ziggy ... I think he is manic againnnnnnnnnnn!"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz

[Ponder]

Note to self and anyone else that self harms with negative self talk:

https://youtu.be/sRQCf_EOnnc
Ok zżzżz

[Dahila]

well getting up at night to go to washroom sucks big time. :( HI D:)

[Ponder]

Hi Dahila, I hope this finds you well. Here is a Video I threw together to show off my new Hiking Chair:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3X2cXet7Mw&feature=youtu.be


I decided to let my body recovery some more and take out the new chair. My hiking buddy likes to share videos of his many ultralight camping gear. I enjoyed throwing this video together to share with him and yourselves.

Take Care ;)

[Ponder]

My AF Anxiety Forum Vlog – Physically getting better, yet still purging. This one is unlisted – Only for Anxiety Forum Journal & those I trust … other AF users. All thoughts and opinions relate solely to me … if others can relate, I can only hope it’s more of a consolation, rather than a trigger. Purging is part of any process to healing. These posts and my Vlogs are part of that evolution.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMi0sNhTjos

On with my day.

[Ponder]

Perhaps I got a little wound up towards the end there - but like I said, all part of the process. I thought it only fitting from my perspective to finish the night with the following find:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02FkMr21xOA

I'm not much into fads, but I can see a lot of good therapy in that. :)

I thought it was a rather good break down.

I'll aim at making my next Vlog more relaxing based more on moving forward - but again ... I guess you could say I was in the process of opening up a some of the blockages. All these concepts do not have to be "believed" ... I see them nothing more as ways to accept who I am and live as best I can in the whatever position I find myself in.

It can get a little confusing when you hear concepts promote dropping toxic relationships. I've barely scratched the surface in the past with how I feel on that. People are very quick to label toxic relationships and escape responsibility by claiming the cosmos persuaded them to move on. This is how we end up with the old, sick and disabled being left to their own, whilst new agers wonder off in a world of their own. The whole love and light crowed can be extremely self centered imo. But that's another story. Just saying whilst I find much wisdom in some teachings, I'm also wary of the hype, fads, sermons and followings.

Peace Out.

Dave - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

PS - Looking forward to a meditative run.

(I'm all for finding my own space, but not for leaving people in the lurch because they upset my balance - in such circumstances, I tend to think of contexts that aim for us to alter our position without excluding those that need our help. - such is my filtering with the whole avoidance techniques that come into play at the first sign of hardships that bliss seekers typically take. - I'm working on it ... I see some sense, but I also see a lot of people being left out in the cold with such selfish ideals)

[Ponder]

Pleased to report I completed a one hour concentrated and meditative jog this morning. Was aprox 6am - not really clocking my waking hours other than what my body requires. A lot of the "stuff" I reflected in my Vlog came up, but in a more accepting way - a letting go type of thing. I can really say the process in which I'm undertaking the purging process and moving on is giving me a real sense of hope for the long run.


On another note - I will make a point to catch up with a friend in PM. Just going to unwind some more and catch up on other responsibilities first.

Take care guys - wishing you all well in your own recovery.
Dave.

[Dahila]

Thank you, thank you D. I hardly recognize you, voice still the same ;)) You making incredible progress. Congrats on it.
What made me speechless, is how much you are the background and the background is you. What I mean you are in it;)) Huge achievement!!!!!!!!!

[Ponder]

Your encouragement is much appreciated Dahila. TY. Just a quiet day today. Heading off to bed shortly. Hope you have a good day. ;)

[Dahila]

Quiet days are the best, silence is healing. Nature is healing. This is the point of life when we start listening. Yesterday I had a very good day at market, but on evening my crying daughter called. That night she put down her 15 years actually disabled dog. She needed to make a decision , I told her not to go with operation and save suffering..........she had done it. The worst was my dear grandchild, the dog was always with her. It is sad, the last link to my beloved dog is gone. Max was raised with my dog in my place. eh life. Is your Max still with you?
When I watch the video there is a peace, I know you work hard to achieve it, but as you see it is worth it. Congratulation to you both for such progress. I bet this help Lisa as well:)

[Ponder]

I do all I am currently to catch such healing and peaceful moments Dahila. You hit the nail on the head with that comment. : ) – Srry to hear about Max. I can only imagine how it will affect my youngest boy as well as the other kids. Yes, Max is still with us for the moment. Having a little one around the house seems to of picked his spirits up somewhat. That’s what the dog wash fella reckons, and I think he is right.

Thanks for asking after Lisa – I caught what is in my opinion is a hopeful look just last night while Lisa was reading to little joe joe last night. I share that now:

Again - this is quite a spirited look coming from Lisa. Lisa's condition is seeing her in a stable period although fatigue is always seemingly present. Again - Lisa has also done very well to lose a lot of unhealthy weight. Full credit to Lisa as well. ; )
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1538/25613505563_91ff08c45e_o.jpg

I am really gladdened to hear that you had a good day at the market. That really does please me to hear you say like so. : )

I share this new Detox/Metabolism Booster Mix I am now taking. Will let you know how it goes:
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1678/26216167395_536fb05f92_o.jpg
+ add some water (NOT hot! - a little warm is OK)

Lastly - I took this recently on a night walk. A lot of the time I now do a meditative walk after eating. I find it helps me a lot with digestion. Many little things I have incorporated in my new lifestyle are all working together. It's not one thing but many little changes. Given my tendency to extremes - not only have I improved my physical fitness, but I am also feeling less threatened when down at the gym or simply out and about. I do still catch myself - but less on guard and more into the experience of simply being - being satisfied to just be me.

Is a good feeling while it lasts - I wont think too much on that ... I actually now get ready to go to the gym.

Again - I am really pleased you had a good day at the markets ... condolences re Max. My heart goes out to you and yours. Time will eventually heal.

Peace to you all.
Dave.
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1659/26190243936_621f2da3ff_o.jpg

[Ponder]

Righto - Just letting breaky digest before hitting the Gym. Dahila - I made a little edit to my post in the sleeping issue thread because I might come across like a prick. I'd rather come across prissy and get some kind of message across than some kind ocker that tells people to suck it up.

I think targeting ones over reaction and highlighting such, does little to assist those in need of encouragement and love. This comment - I now refer to a completely separate post. Aiming for comparisons that separate the rejected from the accepted only serves to create an unbalance. In this manner, I find it a useless metaphor when telling others "what separates us from the rest." Also falls into the Us & Them complex.

Don't mind me - :) ... Just getting into a deep place before I go out in public myself and mix with the rest. hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa. Is all good for now. Acceptance - we all want to be accepted. Just tinkering and pondering on the imbalance of others just as much as myself. Coming to see it in others is as much as coming to see myself. I find that really helps. No judgement - just doing my best to accepted others as I would like to myself.
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I had a really good session yesterday down at the Gym. Not just because I successfully worked out hardcore and not injure myself ... but because I seems to be finding my focus more and more. I was too busy being in the moment - yet kept enough mindfulness about me to respect the space and dignity of others as I went about taking up the space in-between. I'm not just talking about gym etiquette here. You know me ... goes deeper than that.

I'm now doing advance weight training - I'm actually doing a lot of the things I was doing decades ago. No alarm bells ringing either - doing it all within the means of my body. My desire to challenge myself and find the zone as I have always done is surfacing fast, YET - I am much MUCH more aware of what's going on around me compared to before. I can see the exercise rage in others now - the build of testosterone in both men and women. Most noticeably those that are pushing themselves to the very edge. When I observe like so, this makes me very careful in how I myself tread and also I reassess why I am again back in the Gym.

Hmmmmm Interesting notes ... I will be careful now I'm back into the advance training - and I even struggle with the name training ... training for what? Yadda Yadda ... Some want arms that bulge, calves that say "Look at me!" - Others want a chest that only sees it's own reflection and so on and on. I'm dealing with people who use several machines at once with little care for others in need. Trying to find the zone among all that without being consume by my own ego is very much a learning curve ... but then again not. I've been there before - I just hope I can balance it all out is all.

The eye balling from some of the trainers has simmered down as I seem to be fast becoming part of the machines - more so the free weights. I'm making as much effort to be courteous whilst I am when waling or jogging the streets. In such matters, I don't mind lending towards an air of submission but more so based on a level of kindness that aims to soften the ego of myself and others. Ego is often drawn upon when people seek to overcome large goals - I think that's a different thing and not the ego I'm trying to make a point of ... I personally do not believe there is anything in eog whatsoever ... but don't want to get lost on that track ... not just yet.

Hmmmm - Yea ... I think I am indeed getting to that stage where I must reassess why I am doing all this. Seems once I hit the gym, It has not taken me long to reach a high level of fitness within my means. Kind of brings in a new focus this time for the before and after shots. Shame and Guilt ... Hmmmm - Pride and humility ... Seems like four things that conflict yet all part of some equation meant to make us all flourish.

I best go and practice some of these things airing to that side of kindness that aims to enjoy the space that can come from such awareness ... but not just for myself, but as much for others - no matter what my mind thinks.

Having said all this, my heart still pounds as I approach the gym door. Her's to conquering my next workout without trying at all. ;)

[Dahila]

BTW you both look ten years younger, L looks wonderful :)) so do you. Lately I try to control my temper when I see the stupidity and whining (i hate it) on forum. No doubts it chased all people away ;)

[Ponder]

After a work out I look ten years older - LOL - Just kidding. :) - Yea, I know what you mean. None the less, people need a place to deal with the source. If moaning about excuses helps to get them closer to some kind of realization, then I think it's not so bad. I think the issues, is that there is an unbalance of positive influences and the commiseration that takes place in here is thus rather negative.

Bit like how many people who join AA only go on to moan about being an alcoholic for the rest of their lives. An addiction to identifying to their source and unwilling to let it go. They are lost without their pain and suffering. So it is that people come in to places like these and have a hard time letting go. It's just easier to simply bitch and moan.

So what's the answer? - I just do what I do ... is all I can say for now ... seems to be working. Sure, I have a good purge here and there, but I do have to keep it balanced with focusing on what works.

Catch up later - I got group today ... I think I can handle sitting for long enough.

Take Care D ;)

[Dahila]

You absolutely right, but we had some kind of balance before, some whining and good advice, even fun , Right now it is so gloomyyyyyyy;)

[Ponder]

LOL - I got up and walked out of group today but won't cry about it here. :P - I will however tell you as is without raining on anyone's parade. (albeit those with such limiting beliefs.)

Simply put - it's the same fella talking with religious overtones every time he gets a go at facilitating. You know how those types like to make pet projects our of others and save the world to redeem or save up credits ... yadda yadda. As you know, half the folk in such recovery groups are actually damaged goods as a result from such religious BS. There is supposedly not meant to be any religion or politics discussed within these groups. At most, only from an abusive point of view, not to sell the shit.

Anyways - I will in future ring to find out who is facilitating before hand in future and simply will not go when the preacher fella is running the group. Sounds like a proactive plan to me. :) The town library is just up the road, so I can also just get up and go to it instead.

In fact, I'm just getting ready to go there now.
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I try not to look into the other threads Dahila. It's just like you say. I also miss Jesse too - but understand this place is fast becoming a drag. It's like people either go overboard with the helping or just full on complaining. The two extremes - one side does not know what to do without the other. It's a tough job finding middle ground when dealing in an atmosphere like that. I like to keep things real and avoid people who have agendas. My wife encouraged me a few weeks before to get up and leave every time this fella starts dropping his religious terms. She is also encouraging me to go back and keep making a stand. Sounds like good advice. I'll go with the idea of the library just being down the road and completely avoid the group when they hand the reigns to wannabe preachers like that.

Not complaining ... just thinking out loud to seek a resolution. I wish more people answered their own questions. :) It's a good thing D - I am again having to make the stands out these groups. I've managed to clear the air a little around the table regarding the toxic fumes. (lol remember that issue) - now it's time for me to put on end to the people and their religious agendas. Dave to the rescue! hahahahahaha ... Just kidding. It was nothing for me to get up and walk away - I've done that in many jobs - much better than staying and complaining day after day. You here that in these forums too.

I'm kind of looking forward to returning with a smile on my face. I guess that sounds coy and know that won't be the case ... just feels good to affirm like so- because like I said in my AF Vlog ... I will challenge the ideals of would be projectors of such negative beliefs.

The question is - Can I do so without consuming myself? We shall see.

Stay tunes for episode two ... hopefully next week. ;)
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PS -anyone is welcome to give me advice on how to handle people with such agendas at such recovery groups. Would be good to hear how others would handle it.

[Dahila]

Maybe you will not return with smile on your face, but I definitely am going to bed with a smile on my face , thanks to your post. D. I am ready to start shooting the religious freaks , I truly am:))

[Ponder]

No NO! - Lets not become terrorists now Dahila. :) Seriously though ... My reaction really is more about my own personal conflicts. I've been dealing with some heavy stuff of late. Please don't mind me as I now reveal more of my day in a way that is more kind to myself as well as others. I did the best I could at the time I felt as conflicted as I did. Getting up and walking away was the best I could do at that time.

Some interesting events took place throughout my day. I did go to the Library - all dressed up with no place to go, I pulled a book from the self help section, found a lone seat and started reading. In the words of my mother, I would have to say that book took on the voice of God and said ... "Oi - over here Dave, Pick Me Pick Me!" But on second thoughts, given the nature and cultural background of the author; my mother would claim it was Satan that called me over. I'm being kind in saying it like so.

Here is that book:
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/7701349_zpswroqeryu.jpg (http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7701349-the-four-agreements-companion-book)

It's ironic that some reviewers claim there is a christian theme to it given the book helps to shatter limiting beliefs. It does use the term GOD - but also accompanies that "word" with "Life" There is no denying the wisdom in this book. It's a very easy read and gets straight to the point in the most captivation of ways. Again - Mother would say the Devil was crafty in writing this book. :) I say no more on that.
The Culture: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toltec The Author: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Miguel_Ruiz


It's without a doubt that the metaphor akin to ones mind being ready for the seed in order for the words to take, grow and flourish ... is true of any like wise self help book. However, regardless of whether I see God or the Devil - these words did leave a "calling out" impression as I skimmed the contents, Intro and check various pages. I now envisage mother taking a stab whilst flicking through the words of the "One True God."

After reading about the four agreements I could see that walking out of group was really all about me:
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/92a17c87750132b49e59e4cdf7698a3b_zpsmx5lfgpz.jpg

Like I said, I have only just skimmed this book. I look forward to gleaning what I can from it. I like how it guide one to peal off layers of belief. It even seems to help me with those religious terms I get so hung up on. I sense I may be better able to redefine my own dream. I still like other aspects of spiritualism that is not highlighted in this book, however once again ... there is a strong link to those concepts in this book (as far as I can see - that being my mind ready for some form of spiritual seed) that are already pulling me into a world of my own creation. I'm careful to mention here that such a world has been under development for quite some time. I'm not talking about some for a manic psychosis. LOL @ such a thought.

I see a lot of mindfulness practice as well as other aspects of Buddhism all brought into a more concise plan. I'm a little careful of plans and nothing stays the same and I can see that this books touches on that. Hmmmm - I wonder if this book will be one of the few that I completely read. Time will tell, and I'll be sure to keep you informed. Like is said, it looks like a quick read. Good for a dyslexic like me ... but then again ... I recently helped myself overcome a lot of the ... when I embarked on book narration ... albeit as short as it was. That's the thing with me though ... things I like really stick. I got some good reading skills now.
_________________________________________

SO IN SUMMERY - After my time at the library, I rang the recovery admin group up and explained more why I got so upset and had to walk. I further explained that I understand the need for this facilitator to express as he so clearly does. In short, I revealed how the "Royal Commission" (Government investigating sexual abuse allegations of various churches - mostly against kids]) has recently given me notice that an appointment for me is in the making. I really did not have to say much more than that for my point to be made. Whilst I felt I had let myself down by walking out as I had done, I also feel confident that I also did the best under the circumstance as opposed to voicing in such a personal state that I have no doubt would of left many others feeling down.

At the end of the day - I guess you could say this book has shown me a thing or too about agreements in general. Especially those we make for ourselves now matter what we think of any "system." I've done my best to depersonalize it, however not interested in talking with the passionate facilitator that likes to use what the recovery admin themselves term as triggering words. World View is the metaphor that they commonly use. Sadly - such words do little to hold well the sensitivities that take place in the dynamics of such social recovery groups. Which is why I kind of do my best to sigh inwardly when hearing such terms used.

None the less - I cleared up such "world views" with my later revelation re the sexual abuse and the church. I was going to print out some emails (re my appointment with the royal commission) to further give the admin a better sight into my world view but Lisa stopped me from going that far.
_____________________________________________

Forgive me is this is going on too much. I was pacing up and down until today's group was ready to start. I kind of new this preacher was going to angle his world view my way. Again - I did my best ... and I will make the effort to return ... especially in light of this latest read. I'm still purging ... I'm still purging. In order to let go ... I got some more internal crying yet to do. The events of today was yet more space in which I let a few more tears go. Is why I write once more after reading some of that book. Is a good thing to of gone to group even though as short as it was.

Is hard to hold my words from here on out ... in terms not to make excuses or hit out.

That's another day of psycho therapy I guess. Smiles.

I just wish others could be more accepting of others - I know it's a place where I need to start with myself. ... and I do ... I really can't help but feel it's OK to not have to laugh and smile all the time ... but then you get that attitude from others where they always say at the first sign of weariness "ALL GOOD?" I can't help but feel how unbalanced it is to not allow others to just feel depleted without the need to expect one to "Always be good?" There is something in that Dahila ... Is hard to explain ... I know the well meaning sentiment is not a negative stream from the well wishes point of view - YET .. here is the thing → from my position it's like a bright overwhelming light that rejects the first sign of gloom. I'm not sure I like that approach. Does not work well with people like me.
___________________________

I'm not sure this groups focus on recovery has a view wide enough for me. I will try a few more times and perhaps this book can help me with some of that. I used to talk a lot, but now think it's time to back right off. I still want to go, but when feeling down, I don't like those bright shining lights that kind of spotlight me and in doing so seemingly imply to others that I am not alright as is. You know what I mean? I can't always be the what others want, nor shinning brightly 24/7.

Speaking of which - time to recharge the batteries.

This was actually not that hard to write - these posts help quite a lot.

Adios - Until next post. : )

[Ponder]

I can see what they mean about the first book, however I found this great take on GOD:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6MI3JAIANI&list=PL25mQTAwoETJtZIYNYsXRh9v qUJoxE8NB
This in not the first book I listed - that is the companion book to the one pictured in the video. .......... Night Folks.

[Dahila]

Religions are cause to conflicts, and wars. I can not take what fanaticism and religion does in my mother country, it is unbelievable. They are going backward at least 2 centuries. I will never accept stupid teachings, If there is god let's keep him in our hearts and be good decent people. eh D. you have personal suffering from religious freaks, I look at this as a tool to oppression, slavery, manipulation, it is all about power and money. There is not true or goodness in any religion. Lately even Buddysm turns me off, due the way monks treat the tigers, or the way they started to do business like catholic church. No purity or honesty in the world, The ones who are pure, and good, hey you do not see them, they keep silent
I am terrified the direction the world is going.
Anyway our mum Earth will eventually take out the parasites; humans being

[Ponder]

Hmmmmm - I not long woke up. I go for a walk first and think on how I reply to this. :)

[Ponder]

I see what your saying Dahila. I've been struggling with just that for many years now. Bit like finding out that Santa Clause is not real or that some time in the near future we all die. These seem to be facts that no matter how they sits with me, that these facts will remain until I am dead. The only thing I seem able to change is how I hold such facts and how I choose to react.
________________________________

I throw in a line break here, because my mind gets in the way which the gives me a sense that I'm better off just letting my words flow - instead of trying to control and make a polished response. I am mindful that doing so seems to counter the agreement number one. (re above pic four posts above) However my awareness is such that it's no more of a process that leads to targeting exactly what I mean in a way that does indeed seek the direction of truth and love.

So - You have well defined the facts that often gets in our way (If I may presume like so with throwing an "our" in there : ) )

I revert back to "I" now : ) - The abuse I have suffered makes for an extensive story. My recent revelation above re the Church and Abuse I only mention to highlight my own inner trigger. I say like so, because I have for some time now been very careful how I drag up my past with the retelling of each chapter I've endured. You know many of those well. My entry into this forum was quite a spin and I guess you could say I kind of turned this place into my base of operations with regard to my recovery. (It was during my time in here that my brother died - and I am thankful for the support I was able to receive - TY to all) It was after listening to Eckhart tolle's "Power of Now" Audio Book several times over, that I understood the importance of detaching from our stories or at least learning how to speak when we draw from them.

I guess that comes down to the agreement number two as listed in above book. Depersonalizing what's transpired I find can be done through the process of dis-identification that Echart Tolle often talks about. In such a way I can see how immunity to other peoples opinions and actions can come about. After letting go of said attachments (the pain body - the addiction - our only friend) - then YES - we are no longer the victim nor suffering needlessly.

... and how about that "suffering needlessly?" Kind of implies that some suffering is not such a bad thing, YET - I know too well how quick many of us are to justify/analyse that we need not suffer at all. My own discernment to such a thought, is that is our mind resists as it always does. The last thing it wants, it to let go of what it only knows. We may not need to suffer in order to learn, yet there is much learning that can be sort from the suffering that's endured. It's in that light that I strive to dissociate from the need which now makes me contemplate the "domestication of humans" as brought up in the above book.

Human Conditioning - Imprinted Needs & dare I say "Agreements" -

My grandson is now up - I best give this a break ...

Thx for listening. Much appreciated. :)

[Ponder]

I think I remember you once say something about ceramic pots and pans? I ,took your advice and used the money I had left over from my hiking chair (after Lisa ask me) to chip in and upgrade a couple of the frying pans. I don't cook much on them, however when I do - I like to cook slow and on a low heat. I got to these new pans seem on the money when it comes to cooking like so:

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1660/25674202403_eee36c58fb_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/F7JZU8)

____________________________________________

Breaky Time - :)

[Ponder]

My decision to get up and walk out the other day could not of been timed more perfectly. A date has been set by the Royal Commission - I finally get a chance to speak up for so many kids no longer with us and those still unable to talk:


https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1454/25674645813_f04e7207a4_o.png______________________ _ https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1646/26184947352_b49d065ab6_o.jpg


I'm really pleased I have reclaimed my health, which has no doubt put me in a better position to communicate myself. Having said that though it's still hard to grasp the handle as things come to a close. Thankfully the commission has taken into account Lisa's condition by providing air travel, taxi passes and accommodation. I believe the appointment is about a month or less away. Just waiting on email confirmation.

Yep - this is all a result of speaking out in here shortly after my brothers passive suicide. I suspect it was a little more intended than such, however I've been kept in the dark with regards to such. Alas ... I use this space just like I did back then to consolidate the strength withing. Just like I said in that Vlog - Now that I am healthy I will challenge that part of the system that abuses the vulnerable and the weak. I go into this hearing to speak out as well as let go of the bags once and for all.

I think later on my approach - but again consider this forum and many of you - who've been with me since my brothers death; part and parcel of the whole process. Only fair to share the unraveling - that's about all.
____________________


Certainty fascinating how its all unfolding. I see no intervening hand but that which we make for ourselves.

Time for Gym. - I'm going to need a damn good working respiratory system when it comes time to talk. :)

PS - I certainly do not want to come across as one of the types looking for compensation set with a tone based on embellishments. I will no doubt post later on my approach.

[Ponder]

Re walking out the other day. I held myself accountable by going back out of hours today and ended up approaching the facilitator (with the support of another) to who's words I took so personally. I just wanted to explain my situation whilst respecting the fella who I took offense from. I'm done with holding onto bitterness. Frustration still reins, however it was yet again another fruitful effort to approach and seek resolution. He's really a good bloke and was more a case of respect and communication.

It was just one of those things I had to nip in the but so to speak with regard to the conflict going on in my head. Was better to talk it out rather than me fester on it. I'll be going back to group when able. That's a good thing I guess. One main reason I wanted to resolve the issue, is because the last thing I need when fronting up to the commission is more pent up emotion. I really got to be as objective as I can to give as much clarity to the case at hand. I know many people in here must think I am a fruit bat with all the online journaling I do ... fact is ... I see it no different to my weight loss journey over at another forum.

I might just put up a trigger warning here and there with regard to the next few posts to come as I delve into an attempt to sum up what's to come. Point and Case with today's talk as we sort resolution, was that it is sometimes unavoidable not to offend others as we draw from our own experience. Just as I got up and walked out, people can read and if sensitive to the musings as given, so too - they can they log out. Best advice I have read thus far in in that agreement number one - Use the power of ones word in the direction of truth and love.
_______________________________


Now that, that's resolved - I can load up World Of Tanks. ;) arrrr such a paradox some of us put ourselves in - much to learn, nothing like a bit of conflict - I'm far from pure.

PS - We also heard back from Child Welfare Dept ... we are still making a stance on that front as well.

[Dahila]

The frying pots are awesome, they do not stick and they should be used on low heat. We do not fry a lot either. seems like there is progress, I hope you will have a lot of good news coming your way :))

[Ponder]

For now - I just formulate in the manner I often do. I have created all the confidence and trust within this space to share as I do. I think one of the main issues with society is how it hides behind information that's made privy for it's own protection and in doing so enables the cycle of abuse to continue as it does. During such cases where enough complaints or the weight of one whistle blower vs another warrants an independent party to investigate, it's too late; damage already done.

This is just one example to systemic issue in our society as stated in above paragraph:
__________


https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1461/26041861570_237ee50a53_o.png (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/26041861570/sizes/o/)

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1668/26288155036_7d3e3d2b54_o.png (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/26288155036/sizes/o/)

So it will be in this manner that I will approach my http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/quotation-sign-smiley-emoticon.gif Private Session http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/quotation-sign-smiley-emoticon.gif. I can only hope my information to this other 3rd party will indeed be taken into account as I focus on what's beneficial to bring up vs the imprinted shame and guilt. I think more on that approach ... for now I keep things transparent in the only way I know how. No use personalizing everything - the best way to deal with a complaint is to depersonalize it - Just ask all the Gurus.

My main aim with the commission regarding institutionalized respones to child sexual abuse will be to strip one of the abusers name from the highest civilian recognized honor award schemes known as none other than the "Order Of Australia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Order_of_Australia)"

Currently his victims have the honor of seeing such an accolade on a memorial website the glorifies the mans contribution to society. I don't have to imagine what it would be like for his victims to come across such a sight having personally suffered under the mans hand when taking a stand for seeing how my sister was beaten and dragged during an evening meal in the place we endured during that time.

I for one went into a psychosis when hitting that website and when reaching out to the local hospital for help, they implied they could not help until my episode warranted police intervention. Alas - that all plays into the stage effect I hinted towards in my last V-log. Today when I can be seen all steely eyed when sitting on the side of groups ... tis the residual effect of such that wells within.

No one wants to really know about the last two paragraphs like so - therefore ... I speak out in other ways. Lisa a is huge help and we work together as a good team. Thankfully I have not killed anyone (that I know of) - The thing is - suicide is not the only cost. Society is quick to forget that. A friend within a group not known to recovery responded to one member of the community by driving a knife through his chest. Everyone wanted to know the story of the then glorified hero. They strung up the kid with little thought as to what really drove the knife as it did.

So my brother kills himself, my mate kills another; what is it that I have to offer this government organised 3rd party and will they listen?

Hmmmmmm -

I spend the next two days resting and think more on that. I try to offer them what I have offered myself.

Adios ... until next post.

PS - I hope everyone's anxiety is in check.

[Ponder]

I'll more than likely being making spasmodic notes in this here space of mine.

Note - How killers are spawn from such abuse - Re child sex slaves that end up bashing and murdering those that pay for services rendered. Darlighhurst Wall - Kings Cross - Sydney - 1980's

Like minded people still walking the community today - residual effect spreads through families - (Resolution sort? - Free Psychotherapy? $$$)

Cost to community?

And so on ...

But for now - time to give my daughter a lift. Back later with more details.

[Ponder]

Note to self - Put everything on hold and prep a letter to say farewell to a dying Father you never really knew. Lisa is currently crying as it all seems a bit much. Having to continually fight for what we are led to believe are our rights, going to a commission who's agenda we question and now yet another phone call that kind of makes me wonder why I even bother at all.

He has some kind of throat cancer that has spread to his lungs. It had been many years since we had spoken. He was very limited in his ability to communicate over the phone; so we both agreed a letter would do the trick. My other brother who I do not really know said "Dad??" had a lot of remorse to which I admit I could hear through the old man's hoarse and scratchy voice.

I got a LOT of letting go to do. I think I will explain to him that I have a lot more regret over the loss of mine and his relationship, than I have had with my own mum. That my mum died to me, when my brother did. That all is as good as can be and that I understand that none of us are perfect - bla bla bla ... hmmmm - not relay like that actually ... is hard to find the right words when someone is about to die.

Perhaps - I be more thankful for how he was who he was and that life is painful for us all in the end - that the end brings about a reprieve rather than an end.

Fuck it - I think I go play World of Tanks for a bit.

If it don't rain - it pours. Just as well ... the space I find myself in has a tank.

Adios ... until next post.

[Dahila]

Yes it is difficult, and letting go is not like saying one two three. It is a process , painful process. I am not really good at this. right now my partner ex-wife is dying and i send him to hospital, from time to time, he comes back so depressed.. Maybe I am not right?
I think it is more for his son that for her....His son must feel support............am I right or no.
I am sick with flu, high fever so maybe it bs i post today. I will go back to bed then.

[Ponder]

Excellent points Dahila. I also think accepting the reality that some elements of suffering are not always as negative as they seem. Perhaps in that light I can focus on giving support that has substance and offers hope. It’s the all too often shallow approach that makes me want to throw up pretentious gatherings where people act as if they know each other when they really don’t. Conversations turns to topics of personal accomplishments and or failures – each one highlighting the other with not much thought for what comes next, unless of course it’s of personal interest.

I like your mention of being around for support, but not if it drags me down and in turn negatively affects those whom are closer to my emotional body. I guess it will come down to how I approach. I’m too deep for most people – which is why I avoid said gatherings. Sadly people do not understand such things (perhaps some more of the sensitive ones) and in fact have an air of expectation because one is still a blood relative. So – yea – sometimes it is best to let things alone. Is how and why I have cut ties with my Mother. Was not easy at first, but now I know it was the right thing to do. My real father though … is a different story. I don’t know him well, but I know him well enough.


I will write him a letter toady. I don’t believe I will be attending his funeral. Other than the fact I spent my “welfare loan” [rolls eyes] – I don’t believe many understand my hang up with public transport, traffic, dealing with public and people in general and of course the entire BS I mentioned above. I’m pretty sure he will understand when I explain about the Royal Commission inquest and Danny’s death that he will be accepting that I bothered to write at all. I will forgive him, ask for forgiveness, and let him know its ok to move on – more over that there should be no shame or guilt on either end.

Playing any other kind of role that society expects is only BSing oneself and creating needless pain. Our society fears death when really it should be embraced – an opportunity to grow. Each in their own way.

Dahila – Especially in these circumstances, I really don’t believe in wrong or right. I think you have made some excellent points. I will do what I can to support these others I really don’t know, but must be kind to myself on consider those more affected if I cling to unresolved issues and don’t let go. Letting go can sometimes mean no longer being in the loop. I will be sure to make it clear in my letting go letter with forgiving and asking for it – with the giving of permission to let them go with the tending to words of truth and compassion … I will be clear about my not turning up to a funeral or even making a trip to show my face. Not only is it a trigger fest for me – it really is unnecessary when I can write with more clarity from this far away.
I hope you guys are able to weigh your own effort up and that more good comes from your choices than otherwise may. Whatever the result, I like to think there is always an element of growth. Is how I tend to look on life no matter the pain.

Take Care – again … thanx for listening.

[Dahila]

Hm funeral, I never go to funeral, I had not go back to my country to my mum funeral, I loved her with all my heart, she was an angel. What sense it does make to put yourself in doubt to attend funeral. I my situation it was; funeral, to late for her to see me, or the car to go to work and provide for my children..........I raised them alone, ........ Write the letter and that it, say your goodbye, he had not reach to you, I do believe parents should reach to children, especially if they had not been in their life. Same with my ex, 3 years not seeing daughter and grandchild , about 5 his son. Write the letter with good intention and forgiveness in your heart, I believe as soon as you forgive yourself , the others do to.................

[Ponder]

Thank You Dahila (I feel very much the same way) - Your guidance is much appreciated. Very much so. I managed to get a draft together and this here advice you give was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm extremely exhausted after these last two days. I know your life is as hectic, so thanks ever so much for popping in.

Hope this finds you well.

Night guys. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

I am popping here for a few minutes, Just for you, The rest of threads are not worth my time ;) I hope you will feel better when all is done

[Ponder]

LOL ahahahahahahhahahaaaaaa - I know exactly what you mean & TY for saying like so. Very kind of you. Sadly Dahila I wish I had more good news, however perhaps you could have a laugh when you contrast what others cry about and what some of us others actually have to live though:

I only just finished writing these words in my other journal when reading your above lines which really made me burst into laughter ... which has not been for some time. TY
______________________________________

I spare you the pics - but Cut & Paste: (this is what real fucking pain is!!!)

Forgive me if the picture is inappropriate, but this is were I need to record what's going on.

This may not look like much - but it's enough blood to indicate to me that I have a painful day ahead of me:

Now this pic has even more blood and took quite some effort with all sorts of abdominal contractions and back stretching on the toilet to get out. It would seem not matter how much flexing and stretching I do, my tight sphincter makes passing my stools an extremely painful event. Even though I do my best to be quiet I know others in the house can hear me. Especially early in the mornings:

I struggle like this at least 4 days out of 7 despite trying my best efforts to eat clean and hydrate all with soft stools in mind. I am positive my core issues stems from having my gall bladder removed (which they said was corroded?) ANYWAYS - I now suffer with hard stools(NOT diarrhea as commonly resulted from gall bladder removal) I guess more like a thick paste which seems impossible or rips my suspected anal fissure open each time.

I do have some miracle days where I have eating the right combination of both food and fluids. Today after passing the above with that last picture which has more blood ... the pain is more pulsating and numb. That's also a fluke which means I will be at least able to do my exercise today. I need to exercise - it is my Pshyco therapy medicine and keeps me sane while I live like this.

Exercise and aggravation - Yes ... Exercise can aggravate to some degree. I actually find doing weights less an issue compared to doing HIIT running sprints.

Short bursts of sprinting is as good as passing stools that rip the fissure back open.
Free weights can place strain and bring forth a pulsating sensation that communicates if I push too hard, that whatever the level of pain currently experienced - will be with me for several more hours. Therefore I only work out as hard as I wish to bear the current pain. There are a few things I can do to continue working out though as well as give thought to the rest of my day:

I walk around in between sets - do some soft leg lunges - drink water and play with that combination. That seems to work ... also ensure I do these things before aggravation bothers to set.

SIGH - but like I said, the real issue is when passing stools and my other core issue with Digestion. 4 out of seven days are extreme with me being in a real state for most of the days. MY DOCTOR IS A FUCKING ASS HOLE HIMSELF.
Srry for the latter. I am going to have to show him these photos and spell it out as plainly as I have done here, but the fuckwit is still fucking about with BS tests. I've already had a colonoscopy done just a few years ago. No my name is on a list. God fucking knows how long I will have to wait and live like this. It's quite fucking plain to see what my problem is. He reckons he has made on appointment with a dietitian but now it's weeks later and still no letter or contact to advice. Probably because it's part of allied health (welfare subsidized) - that it will take months more living like this and a lot of yelling and screaming before I get a first appointment.

I did not want surgery before, but now for me I see it seems to be more than warranted. My wife is really get sick of me as I too am sick of the world. I was not exactly right in the fucking head before this - and one can be assured that have absolutely no fucking time for other humans - not while I have to keep living like this whilst reading how so many others claim to be cured.

CURED? - I don't think it's possible for me - maybe if this fuckwit of a doctor starts to actually help and maybe another 2 years (have been like this for nearly 3) I may just get some fucking HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
At any rate - I mean no harm ... I'm usually a good little citizen with the right kind of help.

Thanks for the space to errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Siiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. This beats the 6 months + scabies I had. I never though any thing could top that. Now I know.

Adios ... until next post .... eerrrrrrrrrrrr Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh & Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

[Ponder]

cont ....:

I log part of a response I just made as it seems to make a good opening to a draft I must later make up when I change docs. Yes F**k it - I do believe when this dickhead gets me an appointment with a dietitian and the colonscopy (complete waste of time) - I will start seeing another doctor ... the one my wife sees.

SO Davy Boy - prep up some kind of draft - consider starting off with the below as an intro:

Mine started with LOTS of blood and No pain. I remember checking my wads a paper and not only being surprised at the amount of blood that covered the entire paper but to also see a very small pool of blood sitting in the small of my hand. I was like WTF is that!!!

This would repeat here and there over the weeks. One doctor simply told me not to wipe so hard and take a shower after each time. That was like three years ago. Mine all started after I had my gall bladder removed and I used to go to the toilets like I was squatting 500lbs of weight. I thought not much of it, but merely stepped off the toilet thinking "wow - these episodes are getting harder???"

Eventually a years later, the pain suddenly kicked in. No I am living in hell and the doctor I see is pretty useless.
I've been doing my best to eat clean. I've lost nearly 30kgs now - off all my mood altering drugs. I'm actually quite healthy and level headed other than this now debilitating anal fissure. If it were not for the extreme pain I seem to constantly suffer - I am actually quite thankful for the lesson it has given me.

Also remember the term "Anterior"

Now I go smash out a workout at the gym and later go have a heart attack on the side of the road. One can only fucking hope. :)

[Ponder]

PS - My anxiety is so bad that when I go to fart, I feel like I'm going to tear myself a new ass hole. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/free-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif

Beat that ya fucking little wet nosed snotty kids!! (just kidding - but seriously this place has more issues than anxiety)

Hope you smiling Dahila. ;)

I best get off this fucking thing - sitting and laughing is a miracle for me.

Adios until next post.

[Dahila]

the last one made me laugh even that is not appropriate. I know that the best way to relieve yourself is to use the position our ancestors had, not toilet bawl, knees as close to chest as possible, I do not think there is not problem with your system. Blood in stool does not come due the anxiety or wiping it to hard, I know a few people who had it due the hemorrhoids. I am wondering if half of avocado a day would make a difference. You do everything right; I believe, eating lots of fiber and drinking water. there must be some underlining problem...............you need to press the "people who call themselves doctors" to send you to additional tests. You had a few years ago colonoscopy but maybe they should repeat it. Are you eating chocolate D?
Blueberries will make your stool hard too. Then you terrified of going to bathroom and it could add to the tension in muscles. We are a creatures made of muscles
Yeah farting can be problematic :))))))))))))

[Ponder]

lol @ we are creatures made of muscles ... heheheheheheeeeeeeee - Don't I know it. I had a huge day today - what I had left in the tank I used to start an ,<s>OBE<s/> - Actually Scratch OBE - I mean more Phasing - Reality Shifting Thread:
http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34533-The-Phase-Phenomenon-(lucid-dreaming-out-of-body-experience)

I saw my therapist today (6 weekly visit) then after that did group ... which was good - Babysat, picked up some more furniture for my daughter, did Gym and ran this morning - made another post - and now going to gell out watching some tv once the little fella goes to sleep ... in the mean time I think I play a little world of tanks.

I got two weeks to formulate some kind of response to present to the commission and tie up some lose ends with that complaint against Child Safety.

I write more freestyle next time I have some steam.

BUT - How you you traveling Dahila - (just reply when you have time) can you fill us in any on how life's been since having to leave your previous job? how's the markets fairing - you been keeping busy other than that? Hope this finds you as well as can be.

Would love to hear some of your thoughts in the OBE thread - perhaps the Lucid dreaming side of things? I've actually been having some of those of late, all be it somewhat oppressive. I think I am just purging in my dreams as well - I'm not rattled - In fact It's spuring me on to investigate more on the side of non-physical realms. Make a change from playing mine craft at any rate. :)

Peace to you and yours as well as anyone else that checks this space. I remind myself - the weather is cooling and I would do well to organism a solo camp.

Adios ... until next post.

[Dahila]

Oh I will go to read the other thread, dreaming is something which I work with, It is difficult due the meds but still workable. My partner ex wife passed away early morning, and we both are moved by it. How can we not be?
I hope you found the time to work on your letter too.............
I had not go to market due 102 temperature, I do not even know what hit me, I have never had fever, ever with pneumonia. It was 24 hour occurrence and left me weak like a baby

[Ponder]

Srry to hear your not feeling so well - or in fact that you have been feeling so weak. I hope the ex partner is not suffering any more and that it does not weight you guys down too much as you both be moved - perhaps is not such a bad thing after all.

I am feeling drained the whole thing with being contacted and the ongoing drama of being kept in the loop re my "biological father" - I never really knew. I'm in the middle again with some other relaying messages. I'm going to put an end to it soon. The other is saying my emails are not going through. I'm over it. The person with his sister left me sitting out in a cold hallway for hours on end as I waited to see this biological father and now it seems it is happening again. I'll spare the details on that:

...except to say, I will text this brother I do not know ... the letter to my father he says he is not receiving - then I will tell him to take me out of the loop. I'll also text the number I was given and told was my ?Dad's? - that is all I can do. Fact is - that number is not answering - all this being left on the end of a string is well up a pattern of rejection. I don't need this crap. I went out of my way heaps in the past and none of them ever contacted me back ... not until now and again it would seem it's all about being left on the end of a string.

I'm done with this kind of Drama. Today I nip it all in the but - text the letter - and then pull out. When someone dies to me, it's already over ... I see no reason to drag it out? People are suckers for punishment when it comes to such things ... Drama Drama and more Drama.

I try again today and if again I get no answers or responses - then this pattern I will finally end.

I don't do well on the end of a string - take me out of the loop ... please do not make contact again.

Adios - until next post.

[Ponder]

So how about that last episode season 6 of walking dead. Pretty dark hey?
http://www.cinemablend.com/television/Walking-Dead-Season-6-Finale-Darkest-One-Yet-According-Andrew-Lincoln-102187.html

(http://www.cinemablend.com/television/Walking-Dead-Season-6-Finale-Darkest-One-Yet-According-Andrew-Lincoln-102187.html)http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/the-walking-dead-season-6-finale_zpsn3mrnlk7.jpg

[Ponder]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KNefVPDbsQ

[Ponder]

Dahila - you hit the nail on the head with what you said before about Parents who wish to speak to their kids should take it upon themselves to take on the responsibility and make the effort themselves. Srry to go on about it. I just text and basically told them all to "FUCK OFF!!!" For years I tried to make contact and it was always some go between - Once I was made to wait in a hallway for hours before I was let in the door. Now I am dealing with the same people whilst whilst this so called "Dad" hides behind all drama. Although my emails are going through I am told they are not, my text are not responded to and I always get an answering machine. It's like I am stuck out in the cold all over again.

My therapists agreed with me yesterday that I needed to put an end to it all as I have too much on my plate with the upcoming royal commission plus grandson and daughter still living in confined space with my wife and I - then of course my pain with the ongoing medical thing ... So I finally just told them to fuck off and leave me alone. That I'm done being led on a string ... the fuckwit had his chance and has been hiding behind all that drama I can do without.

If you want to speak to your kids, then make the fucking effort to call yourself.

So - Now I have buried another - Hopefully the others that I have cut off will leave me the fuck alone when there time comes. It matters how we live, not how we fucking die!!! - Sigh - people are so full of shit. How we live will determine how we die. Try not to drag others down when the time comes and watch our for those narcissistic types that thrive in such times.

Time to see the Doc -
Stay tune for the next ep.

[Dahila]

Yes , you are right, let go off not important ; take care of you and your wife, you already taking care of your daughter problems, that's enough for one person. I agree with your therapist on it.
He does not want to have contact with you, good, let it go. You tried, more than enough. I know the situation cause I see it in my family
Go slower Dave, you getting better, do not waste it. Do not let yourself involved in unnecessary drama. You tried , it is important.
I still think parents should reach to their children and this is why I push my partner to do, all the time. It is important now to support his son, in the moment he lost his mom.
I think that bs with biological bla bla, I think you do not need to be blood creative to love. I do not remember my father,even he died when I was 18 years old. I regret it, because I let my half brain to be washed ,,,,,,,,,yeah I had

[Ponder]

TY Dahila - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I am lucky to have you as a friend. :)

[Dahila]

:)) so am I....................

[Ponder]

Had a good day today. Solid Gym work out this morning - solid tread mill work out this afternoon.

Back on the dairy -> Just Greek Yogurt - I now refer to my new avatar. LOL OMG - Man I have missed this treat!!! I'm going to see how I go with that for a while. I've been off dairy 100% for like a year. Just interested to see how my digestion goes when back on the Greek Yogurt. I really have to watch it though ... can be a trigger to binge on with honey and chopped dates mixed in. YUM YUM!!!

Nothing to report ... just taking it easy other than pushing hard in the gym. I really must start on my notes re the commission. I see if I can start tomorrow.

Night Guys. YAWNS ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

I am back to panic attacks ,Paying dearly for the lost of my husband ex-wife and for his son, his mom, for putting down Max, for losing the job and excetera............ hell, I feel overwhelmed at the moment. I am happy you have a good day ;)

[Dahila]

.......................sorry double post

[Ponder]

Yea, it all has a way of catching up. I feel for you. Take heart that when I say I have a good day, it is rarely about being happy.

Regarding that double post - one can always:
1. Click Edit
2. Go Advance
3. Tick the check box (upper right corner) - "Delete this post in the following manner"
4. Then click the "Delete Post" tab on the right hand side.

You will then most likely get an error - if so - either refresh or close and reopen forum. The index may still indicate that your post is still there, however once you enter into thread it will be gone.

Anyways - that's how that is done to remove ones double post. I do it all the time.
__________________________________________________

I am again srry to hear that all the crap is catching up with you. I find it weighs more as depression for myself rather than anxiety, although the former has a way of building triggers for that latter. Only thing I can suggest is to focus on what works for you. Mine will to stop procrastinating as is the atypical response to depression for me. To be sure there is angst in me as I prep to write up the stories I've already told. Because I wish not to face it, I then contrast with all the other shit and weigh myself down as if self harming in a psychological way. It's all passed so nothing I can do about it now, but let it go and deal with what's currently on my plate.

Having this place here to dump is a bonus for me.

I'll change my jokester avatar at any rate.

Hope things get better.

~Dave

[Dahila]

yeah I know how to delete the post, I just did not feel like doing it. Sorry ;(
What is strange, I am sad very often but honestly I do not get depressed, rather sad, I do not consider panic attacks to be depression. When I can eat i am not depressed, it is that simple for me. I found when the sadness is overwhelming me, I seek help from the tarot cards. It helps me, it really does. ..............
You need to be careful not to hurt yourself psychological way or any other. Just remember that your posts keep me sane :))) I am not kidding. I focus what I read and my problems seems lighter...............

[Ponder]

All good about the double post - This space is often scattered with an array of random thoughts. : ) - Thanks for sharing with me your take on depression and anxiety. I appreciate hearing your views. It helps me understand that I am not the only one living on this plain. Speaking of which I have always been fascinated with your dealings re the Tarot Cards and all things thus related. I find it consoling to immerse myself in anything that offers up the space to take a break from what many of us think to be a waking state.

Read as you do Dahila - and share as you do. I find that helps me as much you claim to of found space within this realm that trails behind each post I make. We both have good antennas for doing such work. : ) I now remind myself once more that the work I do is as much for myself than it is for someone else. No disrespect intended as I mean more to better hold the pondering of said suffering and better find focus by way of being kinder when writing whatever words - in such a manner I am also still mindful of those who may be reading within this forum; especially with so many well meaning and confused kids that reside in us all no matter our age.

Lisa is having a hard time of late with me having so many appointments this week. I've been called selfish and told to bugger off - bags and all. I understand how hard things must be given her illness and the confined space with the little fella also feeling the stress. There has been much strain all around with old negative behavioral pattern coming back into play. Despite some dysfunction creeping back in, I am mindful of these things and whilst also having played my part into such a boiling point, I do my best not to focus on taking things personally. All any of us can do is tread water as best we can until such a point we learn its OK to lose our grip. I know for a fact that no matter how hard things get, that when we let go and finally sink; there always seems to be a bubble that brings about; some form of relief.

This is my reading for us both today. : )

I now return to my thinking with this Royal Commission Thingamabob.

[Ponder]

Interesting

https://youtu.be/LARXSPARbZU

Edit - the one thing that kept coming to my mind whilst watching this vid:

"Must be careful not to use such findings to blame others who are negatively impacted by the gravity of another's reality. People are often quick to justify consuming others by telling them that they choose to be consumed. One can see the appeal of adopting such "beliefs" in a society vested in self."

[Dahila]

Bad day for me, not even one items sold on market, ehhhhhhhh

[Ponder]

Well that really sucks. Srry to hear Dahila. I remember taking 3 hours to setup up my electronics store at the markets (4am start) then 2 hours to take down. I also remember the days I sold next to nothing - Once I was no longer making enough for the stall fee 3 times running, I questioned the worth of my venture. Having said that though, if I was instead to simply through my products on a table and be setup withing 30 minutes, I would probably kept up with it.

How is your demeanor whilst with your products? There is so much psychology to selling at the markets. Tips and Tricks I learned online. I know that when I was feeling down, it did effect sales. It's quite an effort to put on a face and make everyone feel welcome when not feeling so inspired to sell, meet and greet. How is the signage? Can people see the prices easily? Do you have information that people can read for those who do not like to ask?

Social anxiety is epidemic and by implementing little things that allows passers by to have full control I found worked wonders. Many will have a no price, no buy policy inbuilt (like myself) Rarely do I ask unless very very interested. What you want to do is create an impulse in others without them realizing it. Now - I'm not exactly the best person for persuading others like so without their own intent. I find it more important to make eye contact, but not overly so - in a humble kind of way ... it depends on the crowed. After a while you learn how to read personality types a change your approach according to that.

Of course other factors include stall location withing the confines of others, entry point and exits both in your own stall and again stall location. Aesthetics and product layout can help as to changing your setup from time to time so people do not get used to your stall. Changing it up can impulse people to think you are new - before they realize "Oh I remember this stall" they no longer viewed you as "just that man who's always here" - instead they checked you out to see what you had, as opposed to only just walking by.

I wish I had more time to give you some ideas ... Just try and change things up a bit ... "What can I do to mix things up?" Take the lull in sales as an opportunity to polish up your salesmanship skills. Ask yourself what your weak points may be and then think on what to do to strengthen those areas? At least consider making some changes so as not to look like your sitting in one spot with an expression that reflects low sales.

I just got back from the markets myself and saw many stall owners sitting rather motionless and not doing so well. I found myself ending up this way a few times when standing still and not much to do. I think the ones that focus on passers bys using tact to make contact as appropriate with potential buyers, are the ones that seem to be doing alright even when not doing so well. It's make a huge difference - I find myself wishing I had more money just so I could make a purchase to simply see that feeling I know so well that comes with do well.

I think at the end of the day - (and I know Lisa would like to get back into it) - finding a product that is reasonably easy to make and or acquire and setting up in an easy way with not much hassle re the market politics - that the doing in the sales and having a purpose may indeed be enough if only to pay the stall fees. It's only once the products, setup and market politics weighed us down that we really gave up in the end.

Easy come Easy go - that's the ticket. :) If only. ; )

Hope this finds you feel a little better.

Take care - catch up soon.

[Dahila]

I know it all, but still waiting for my DH to make some kind of display for me.today is a first nice day, I got the measurements. Last week I was sick, and two weeks ago it was selling like crazy. One Saturday I had sold 14 soaps before 10 am, I open at 8. My table is small but the price is also small. :)) many people tried but did not buy anything, the other hand it was slow for everyone. I am there 3.5 months and never had not made less than 4 times the table pirice........... not today , yeah it sucks..... My set up takes like 25 minutes, I come prepared, clearing the table , every scent must be separate is time consuming.......

[Ponder]

Sounds like you have a good handle on it. I hope your feeling better. Just heading off to bed now. This new cream the doctor has prescribed for me seems to be helping - Thus I am doing better in that dept thus far. Major side effects though. But not enough to derail the relief that has comes from a drop in pain level.

Again - I hope this finds you feeling a little better. Have a good day.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Good morning - I am off to the gym - then MUST clean kitchen:
So it has been said, so it will be done. ;)

[Ponder]

Too good to be true - this medication is making me feel very sick today.

[Dahila]

the cream? Or the pills ?
I went on the bike and lost my balance, on the f***** sand and came back with broken brake (He fixed it already) and wide abrasion on my knee. Well tomorrow I will go again:)

[Ponder]

So glad you did not say Broke a leg - Phew!!! Yea, you got to watch that sand hey. Any chance I could swap my torn ass hole for your abrasion? I'd be more than happy to oblige. LMFAO - just kidding. Anyways - that's the spirit to get back out there and keep at it.

It's the cream Dahila - Due to area of application, it's absorbed into the blood stream almost immediately. That's when the head aches hit. Very intense migraine like head aches every time the cream is applied. I also get dizzy, very weak, nauseated, and today had to spend half of it in bed - my skin felt tingly in a flu like way with mild sweating. Sadly, this mornings passing left me still in pain despite the cream. Nothing has really changed for me pain wise it would seem. I am worried because the doctor reckon I should just keep taking this cream 3 times a day with a 12 hour break to let the body recover form the obvious poison this stuff must be.

If I continue to suffer like this, I will revert to just putting up with the original pain minus the toxic cream. Both forms of suffering are on the same level - I'll take the one with less chemicals and that does not pop out the veins in my head. Is very hard to sleep after my last application at night. Not everyone uses the cream for obvious reasons - I think the fact that my body is otherwise clean, is why its rejecting or suffering with this cream medication so much. Again - it's not really helping as much as I originally thought. I might give one more day ... two at most .. but not if I end up bed ridden and sick like I was today.

[Dahila]

No if it no helping that much, stop, there must be something .............what about some using of herbs. I remember making sauna for my ex with a few herbs , it seemed to help
People think that it is small problem, not like their friggin high hearbeat or other deadly diseases. I know your problem influence your life in the bad way. You do everything you suppose to , eat clean, lots of fiber. Water, you drink it................

[Ponder]

I hear ya- I truly do. Very tired this evening - but had a good day over all. This one I share to cheer you up. Your advice is always welcomed:

I am now trialing a new copping strategy. Thankfully I am now fit enough to gingerly position my left and right feet either side, "on top" of the toilet seat. Whilst I shudder to think of myself as one doing a bombing run hoping my aim it true; I am pleased to report this mornings run was a commanding success!!!

It's just as you said "... much easier like our ancestors used to do."
________________________________

Her's to my next bombing run. ;)

Adios - until next post.

[Ponder]

Employing positive distraction methods yesterday helped me to keep more relaxed whilst quite stressed during group. We all had a turn giving our spin on Stress and Anger. What it means to us & how we deal with it. Whilst some people like to distinguish between the two, I always like to intermingle such terms as I find them to relate. Much like Depression & Anxiety for me. Two terms many identify as different, yet two terms that have a strong relationship for us more dysfunctional cases.

It's my opinion (and that's all it is) - more a reflection of myself - that the drive to separate such terms comes more from denying one term over the other, more so due to the stigma that we & or society (typically in unison) attaches to such words. Stigma was the next topic, but time ran out before it got to me. : ( - (speaking of group dynamics, I have been doing pretty well with listening and biding my time - although I speak pretty damn fast and full of passion when it gets to my turn : ) ) My view sees a LOT of people [myself included] in these recovery groups (and in here) extremely quick to say "Oh NO - I am Not Depressed" "Depression has nothing to do with Anxiety" - Just as yesterday there were those who were quick to claim that "Stress and Anger" are two different things. Now whilst there is a distinction between the meanings, I again draw the context to the = way people deny the relationships between each meaning. Understanding that will allow you to understand how I am now thinking. {some people also just like to resist by countering another’s position simply for the conflict & or contention - I'm learning all kinds of things by remaining quiet in group and seeing how others respond - very interesting ... but I mean not to be coy in that ... that's yet another trap ... ego and all that ... just saying is all or more trying to observe})

One thing I remember out of Eckhart Tolle's teaching - with regards to our limited language - is that words are no more than sign posts that point the way. His context and examples he gave was more to do with affirmations. I've come to understand such as - that ... when we achieve that which we embed (affirm/mindset), the intention changes as much as does the meaning and or direction we set out to take.

In this way - ideals and beliefs are extremely limiting when we choose to see, only one way. NOW - the flip side for me is how I struggle to express myself when in a group with so many who subscribe to such limited thinking. A group that although stigmatised, are very much still conditioned. (Brainwashed) - Those that seem to be on the edge and more awake like myself, are still at risk of falling back into that comfort zone of limited ideals and beliefs. Quick distinctions as if handing out links to solves the worlds problems. (smiles - we get a lot of that in here too)

Sigh - I best hit enter before I lose this here waffle ... and boy ... to me it tastes good!!! - I get so frustrated at seeing the way others are so quick to deny the space between the signs whilst others have not yet even finished talking. Deny and Space being the key words in that.

Each sign post leads to another YET takes on whole new meaning once the destination is reached. The issue with recovery is dealing with all that lost space in between. Analysing is as much denying when it comes to putting terms, labels, links and methods into such a container that has little time for the space in-between and a lack of understanding that's inflexible to changing definitions.
________________________________________

That's my response to those who seek to cut off another, who has not reached their destination or when they have not yet finished speaking. I finish by saying - that such limiting minds sets actually deny people from living.

Now it's time to go smash out some sets in the Gym. Just another sign post - that will take on a new meaning once I stop eating. LMFAO - I can't wait to give that another try. ahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa.

Adios .. until next post. ;)

[Ponder]

OK I am done editing the above - I'm out of here ... Have a good day all. ;)

[Ponder]

Cool Story Bro:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbu_KLZlCIU

[Ponder]

RELAX Dave - Walking Recovery/Reduction Day - Reassess then Progress. I'm bulking up more than I would like. Nice to know that as I near fifty that I can still easily put on muscle, however that's not what my original intention was when taking back control of my body. It's been a case of adding more weight and losing myself in the mirrors down at the gym. It happens. I also started eating more and now back on the dairy. The Natural Yoghurt (lol @ the term natural - who are we kidding?) is probably not so bad and in fact I think it's been helping me keep regular. I just need to back off the amount of consumption by adjusting my exercise, and focusing on recovery.

My running has taken a back seat which is not so good. The running is great for energy out, vs In! The weights are good for energy out, but lead to more in. The extra weight and lower reps are also taxing my recovery which is the main reason I have not felt like running as much - not discounting the extra eating which also leads to more work the body has to do. The main reason I have not picked up on this runaway train, is due to the fact I am looking buff despite feeling somewhat drained.

Need to recovery first by walking my way back to a reduced intake of food. Less time in the gym, use with lighter weights and higher reps. Above all - go back to more running. I'm pretty sure I started using the gym as an escape. Nothing wrong with an outlet or finding space. I simply got side tracked as did my intention. Glad I have picked up on it.

Time to go for a walk ... :)

[Ponder]

Fact is I am not doing well. I fear I am losing the battle with this damn tear in my rear end. The hole process with this rather complacent doctor has left me feeling rather desperate. I'm past the point at which most people give up. Not sure what direction I will next take. I've started taking that cream again out of sheer desperation despite the side effects. I have some theories on that, but will just leave this post for the acknowledgement it is.

Time to distract myself from the pain.

[Dahila]

try to use the cream for sometime to get some relieve, and what about seeing the specialist, I forgot the name........:(

[Ponder]

General Surgeon is who I need to see. Basically I need to be refereed to the specialist clinic at the local/Base "Public" Hospital for assessment with surgery in mind. The GP is suppose to exhaust all other avenues first. My problem is having a useless doctor that does not provide enough information with his referrals, which results in twice the amount of appointments and triple the amount of time. What would normally take 6 months. blows out into 18 months and then still without adequate information. Grrrrrrrrrr -

In the mean time I have no choice but use DR Google for pain management and to a large degree; heal myself! In such situations, Dr Google can actually be a life saver. I know this too well on many fronts. Our medical system as too pharmaceuticals and grocery stores are basically killing us. LOL @ BS claims of quality of life. PFFFFT - I'd rather die of natural causes much younger than suffer with modern day illness's into my 80's - FUCK THAT SHIT! Sadly - we have very little of what is termed natural when it comes to ailments, let alone animals and plants.

Come to think of it, this town is currently holding up traffic to install artificial grass into the cement islands that separate the main roads.

Not to worry - I'd just be happy if they could use "their" suppose advance technology to heal this tear in my ass!!! (I use "their" because we public patients do not feel part of "their" system.

[Ponder]

Guided Meditation for Detachment From Over-Thinking (Anxiety / OCD / Depression) Good night peeps - here's to a good day on your end of the world and a restful nights sleep for those in the Asia Pacific Region.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vx8iUvfyCY

[Ponder]

On the way back from my 4:30am run - Was a good run. I see if I have time later to log it in. ;)
__________________________________________

Taken with my phone:

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1491/26565692705_cbfbdfe814_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Gtw7Uz)

[Ponder]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz- another big day. Was a good feeling running very early in the dark. I was running along a pedestrian path above the road pictured above. The moon was setting behind a cloud which made for a dream like feeling. Excuse my inability to describe my morning experience tonight as I am a bit high on endone. I have hurt my shoulder. The endone was my wifes idea. Seems to be doing the trick pretty good. The good news is the pain in my ass was not the be end all. LOL - Life is grand! Stress stress stress and more stress.

Been a long time since I've had heavy meds - I have to admit ... feels good given all the stress I've been under of late.

6 days till we catch that plain ride and head off to the big smoke. I have prepared nothing. I'm just going to wing it. Just way too much on my plate. My poor daughter keeps getting knocked back on every place that she applies for. It's so hard to keep up a positive attitude with so many hard assed real estates. As soon as they find out an applicant is a single mum and on welfare ... well need I say anymore. Grrrrrrr ... whatever Dave! We'll keep trying. Our electricity bill was $919:00 for the quarter. That's with a pension discount. Lisa MS requires an even temperature which in turn requires the air conditioner to be running most of the time. Just as well she has some online work. The winter here is thus far a non event. We are still having hot days. Apparently each year for the last 3 has been breaking new records in the history of records.

I think I will take another endone, go to bed and sleep in. I'll bounce back in a day or two.

I found a good podcast on dreaming Dahila ... thought you might be interested: Just glean what works - is all I do. Soul contracts is such an iffy topic - I found some really good perspectives listening to this.
http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/67798/robert-moss-dreaming-the-soul-back-home

Goodnight Guys ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

PS - Lisa kicked my ass in chess tonight :)

[Ponder]

Well that was one way to get some much needed rest. I ended up taking two endone last night. I've been feeling tired most of the day as well, although I managed to take the little fella for a run and swim down at the beach. Pain is still in my shoulder. Impingement for sure. Will have to look into that later, but for now have enjoyed some smooth sailing all things considered. Will go for a walk later and resume my morning runs and go easy with the gym workouts as planned. Going to take another two days off with regard to that.

I remember just how easy it is to pop pills after last nights medicated intervention. Takes a lot of will power not to rely so consistently on such aids. I've really enjoyed that coming down as far as not being so quick to bounce around as has pretty much been the case. I really enjoyed my last run as depicted above. I'm hoping to seem as light on my feet with the next one. I must admit I have a fear that I will put back on weight if I stop down at the gym, but that need not be the case. Just going to have to work on my mind set with regards to that.

Time to go for that walk and make the most of the late afternoon sun.

Still in recovery mode - looking forward to another good nights rest.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Lucid Dreaming - Plain & Simple: - Since delving into the topic of dreaming, I have been having some pretty good dreams of late. Not happy go lucky ones, but dreams in which I am becoming more aware and also remembering. They are also a lot different to the ones I use to have on medication. Medicated induced dreams do not have the coherency, more spasmodic and often lack the intent that I am now experiencing.

Click on Picture to go to a podcast (http://cpa.ds.npr.org/ipr/audio/2015/01/toi150127.mp3) hat showcases the following book and topic of Lucid Dreaming:

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/lucid-dreaming-plain-and-simple_zpsfhmpkmtv.jpg (http://cpa.ds.npr.org/ipr/audio/2015/01/toi150127.mp3)

More info I am yet to check out can be found here:
http://lucidadvice.com/RobertonIowaPublicRadio.aspx

[Ponder]

The above is so much easier to take on board as compared with "trying" to have an outer body experience. OBE is sold off with so much fear whilst the other helps you to face them whilst at the same time having a lot more fun. :) - Depends on the individual and their own approach.

Back to walking and thus far all other issues under control.

Adios ... until next post. ;)

[Dahila]

That's very good, I mean the issues under control and the one : Lisa kicked my ass in chess Heheeeeeeeeeee

[Ponder]

For now at least - :) Hope you are well?

[Dahila]

I am as well as it can be expected, I keep busy, maybe it pays later :)

[Ponder]

If you listen carefully, you'll find it pays now. No need to wait till later. :)

[Ponder]

This guy can be hard to follow, but I like his insights. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKsHEXE_wGw
He is into Juice Feasting - I don't $$$ buy into it, but I do understand his method of thinking. I also started watching what I put into my body a whiles a go and now much better off for it. I have a lonnnng way to go but learning to be content with where I already am. :) - I think you have to be careful not to spiral into a dooms day mentality ... but seeing things as they truly are is also necessary in order to heal oneself is such a toxic world.

Us - Them - They ... whatever and who ever ... it's OK not to be in control - just do what you can within your means to make the best decisions you can. Is all any of us can do.

I also enjoyed his play list on Belief Systems (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIWo2dGh9fzlmt01zrG6YLFb4etEdY2gr)

[lolfeg123]

If you listen carefully, you'll find it pays now. No need to wait till later. :)

anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34533-The-Phase-Phenomenon-(lucid-dreaming-out-of-body-experience)

[Ponder]

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Selection_010_zpsc0h6mbn6.png

Srry lolfeg123, I require a little more information in order to understand what it is that your trying to communicate here. Am I correct in assuming this reply here is simply meant to direct me to the fact that you reached out to me in another thread?

Hello! - How are you?

I read your response in there, but have to do the washing up on this end, so will have to reply later.

Just so you know, the picture I added in that post was not put together by myself. I notice you said that you did not read my post. The links I added actually have the picture embedded at another site:

http://obe4u.com/files/the_phase.pdf
Page 7 0f 463:
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/A%20Practical%20Guidebook%20for%20Lucid%20Dreaming %20and%20Out-of-Body%20Travel.%20The%20Phase%20-%20the_phase.pdf%20-%20Mozilla%20Firefox_011_zpsexaoowix.png

By reading my post in it's entirety and also skimming some of the links - one would get a better picture of where I am coming from and also assist you when your address various elements of my post.

I take no offence. I would love to hear more of your own thoughts and or discuss. But lets just do it in here. Perhaps after a few exchanges we can better understand where the other person is coming from. I myself have not read the PDF on Phase Shifting in it's entirety. I am however learning a lot by skimming many different books, listening to podcasts and also visiting various web sites.

Everyone's intention builds upon their own approach and also the reality that they create. I find my intention changes a lot -

BUT right now to be fair - I think I will get these dishes done - do all my other stuff and then go back a read your response in it's entirety so that I can better relay to you in an effort to keep your interest and carry on this discussion.

How does that sound?

Thank You very much for reaching out.

Hope to hear from you soon.

I had a cool dream last night - I think Game of Thrones triggered much in that ... but that's another story. :)
______________________________________

Catch up soon - I hope?

[Ponder]

"I like the concentric circles you, or somebody else, created - even though I have a different vision in mind. I would however segregate SP from AP since they are two distinct forms of experience. Many people including myself go through SP so as to attain AP, and many of the items you mention in the circle titled 'the phase', such as alien abductions, paranormal events etc, are a subset of SP. From my experience, this is the case. I haven't read your entire post, but I guess the most interesting experience I have ever come across - with respect to sp - would be seeing two angels hovering above me at 5am whilst resting on my back, frozen."

Just to make it easier I will suppose SP = Sleep Paralysis and the AP = Astral Projection. (I don't do well with abbreviations on topics I am not so well versed) I've also link the words for further investigation.

Going through Sleep Paralysis (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis) <-(inability to move, speak, or react.) to obtain Astral Projection (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astral_projection) <-(an interpretation of an out-of-body experience.) sounds like a lot of negative experience in order to gain what?

I say " to gain what?" - because contemplation of ones intention is the key to each persons experience.

The fact that some people experience such a negative experience SP [sleep paralysis) in order to attain an outer body experience, makes me wonder about the kind of fear driven belief systems that typically bring about such debilitating responses. People who suffer with the sight of demons and or angels would imo no doubt have been influenced by those religions that endorse such entities/beings & or "beliefs". It's interesting to note that whilst angels are typically associated with healing, that without the suffering; angels seem less attractive - and or have less meaning. Angels and Demons work well together in the same way heaven and hell go together. It's a really great mix for sleep paralysis. No doubt about that. Very Dramatic and in a context that well defines and immerses one is a pit of unbalanced and disturbing emotions. AKA - DRAMA.

Looking back from my own entrenched and fanatical religious upbringing, I find the whole subject quite fascinating. DRAMA in general is so attractive that the masses need not be brainwashed with dedicated religious doctrines as the tainting in general ideology/society is enough to addict so called non believes (the secular crowed) into adopting fear driven beliefs without any real faith at all - These types of people are attracted to the notion of such stories as no more than a means to experiment/play in a realm that's more entertaining than anything else. Both groups of people - believers and non-believers have one three things in common:

Fear - Suffering & a Strong Need for Escape. All the elements that go into making riveting and thrilling stories. That is until you awake outside your body so encapsulated in fear, that your unable to move, speak, or react. "In the Name of Jesus - In the Name of Jesus - In the Name of Jesus I command you I loosen You!!! .... " Yea Yea - whatever mum - did fuck all for me. In fact such Drama was the driving force to my many bouts of Sleep Paralysis that I suffered for many many years. All the hell and demon preaching I endured sets my experience to be different from others whom perhaps take solace to the images of Angles Appearing in such oppressive times/self created realities. However I reason people go through needless suffering in order to manifest such awe-inspiring beings. Some people suffer nothing but terrifying experiences whilst others only require short bouts of unpleasant experiences in order to manifest the saviour complex which really is in my book ... as perpetual and debilitating as any nightmare can be. There seems to ring a falsehood that leads into more need - terms such as worshipping mentality come to mind along side a frenzied sports crowed lost in the emotion of crying out loud. Much one and the same to me. Drama & Need.
______________________________

Angels and Demons aside - Or better yet - Understand the Drama and imprinted Need ... once you get bored and move on to discovering a less limiting belief - Or if your like me ... an X brainwashed, short circuited retarded limited one way believer; then you may be better off exploring the unlimited potential in adopting new beliefs.

The latter is quite a leap forward for me. I'm coming to redefine the benefits in believing anything at all.

I'm going to hit enter and submit before I go off into the land of pixies ... or more so another planet to the one I'm now in.

OBE - Astral Travel ... My other post to which you linked <- Again - I did not write those books or produce those images. My long winded posts as is my way ... are no more than attempts to find a way. It's all interesting stuff - part of the puzzle I am sifting through. I have had many many experiences - I'm doing what I can to detach from the Drama as opposed to seeking such methods that kind of sell the same BS I have been fed from the Christian Bible, my mothers BS inherited Jewish Curse and all BS related things.

HOWEVER in saying that, I do actually " subscribe" to some channels that encompass the selling of fear in order that others may sign up and hand over the money. I find a little bit of truth in many of the ways. More over I seem to better connect the dots in seeing how the many stories take from one another - I clearer I see the drama, the more I see the truth ... what I do with it however - Smiles - right about now, I guess I am making too much noise ... but for me, is OK ... it matters not what others think as this here space is for those that are well acquainted to higher levels of thinking. (LOL) Hmmm - I've just answered my own tinkering.

The effort to which each of us seeks and the path we choose to take all play into the worlds we create. The more I look into these channels with play into the drama, the more I tend to build a world that's more centred on peace. OBE and or Astral Projection are old school techniques that historically has more stories of Drama than anything that relates to peace.
_________

Learning to Dream .... seems to me a much better way of being. I'm still learning to drop the FEAR that's been entrenched in myself and also unlearn much of everything else that's been taught to me in this world. The whole thing with the Rebirth Concept is as much a cop out as well. Most forms of religion seem very much to absolve one self of responsibility. Especially the way it's sold in the west. There may be more to it the way it's was told so many years ago, but so tainted with self interest and the running from truth but to that for a quick fix ... things are tainted so bad, I no longer consider the east to know any better. It's just as quick to come up with stories based on punishments, appeasements, pacification for as much a quick fix without much thought for what it proclaims.

So what's the answer - I don't know ... or I am tending not to really angst over it that much. Like I said, I subscribe to it all and just glean what I can ... typically from the space in-between. Understand how influence works and come to understand just how much power we already have. Learn how to tap it, learn not to be afraid!!! That there is the ticket. Adopt your own beliefs. Those last two are becoming much more real to me.

Adopting belief for the sake of having faith that when no longer sort, turns hope into a knowing that brings about a true sense peace - no matter how much the world of form manifests or disintegrates. No matter what life brings your way. Who cares about such concepts of previous lives and or the notion of yet another one.

Learning to dream kind of does away with all such superficial stories. Many of these religions teach us it's OK not to be in control - even many new age spiritualists will say the same things ... YET ... there is another side to the coin as just as with the unlearning or shedding of beliefs ... it's more than just OK to adopt whatever beliefs and or take back control. I've been so bias, twisted and unclear about how to move because of embedded beliefs and traumatising experiences that trusting in anything has been null and void. I'm seeing a new way now. It's been a long time coming.

I think there is something to creating our own realities and that we can do it in a way that need not be so selfish at all. I leave it at that for now.

I got off track with this post - but that's OK. I apologise if it seems not.

Thanks again for your response lolfeg123.

_____________________________________________

[Ponder]

Damn Backspace key when inputing on the internet is such a pain in the but! I am really going to have to work out how to disable that.

Good News - We finally found our daughter and grandson a place Dahila. Phew ... It's been a long haul but we finally did it. :)
Just a few more weeks left to handle the next transition.

In the mean time, tomorrow will be my last day before Lisa and I catch that plane ride to Brisbane - for the Royal Commission.

I've been in a little spin whilst at the same time not. Apprehensive yet not.
_____________________________

Going to chill out with youtube.

Night night - over and out. :)

[Dahila]

1696Congrats on that, finally she will have her own place, I know how much it means to have it. To feel safe is a luxury not many, can have. My daughter called yesterday that Tarot did not lie. She got went up the latter in her company, finally after years of doing things she hated, she is in different position, the one she wanted. She made me happy. YOu know she is raising my dear grandchild on her own, completely on her own.
I got yesterday super duper new 6 feet table for my crafts. 25 dollars only. I will go downstairs and start organizing. We have old counter top so he will cut it to the measurement and put on old wooden table so I have a place to work :)) I had invested everything I had into business., It is scary..................Dave I build the light room yesterday . 1696
Of course the stupid uploader here is doing what it wants. ......... but it will give you an idea ;)

I do not know what is going on but it does not let me upload anything

[Ponder]

FREE:

Depression: How To Feel Awesome Without Drugs (https://www.bulletproofexec.com/how-to-fight-depression-and-feel-awesome-without-drugs/)

10 Ways to Improve Depression and Anxiety without Meds (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheenie-ambardar-md/emotional-health_b_1542521.html)

10 Natural Depression Treatments (http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/natural-treatments)


(https://www.bulletproofexec.com/how-to-fight-depression-and-feel-awesome-without-drugs/)

[Ponder]

Oh Hello Dahila - just reading now :) I will open chat to see if you are online?

arrr - maybe you login offline like me :) ... Is all good, I have a quick read now.

[Ponder]

lol - double posting again I see ... how about I mess things up with a few random ones myself ;)

[Dahila]

Yeah it is free you put so much of you into posts but here no one wants advice, they want to whine like hungry dogs.... I think this is the only thread I can come and read the rest is so stupid. Nowucass or whatever his name is, is non stop copying and pasting. YOu read one of his posts then you know all of them. Marc not coming anymore............eh
I had deleted the double post heheeeeeeeeeeeeeee

1697

[Dahila]

Impossible we are here at the same time ;))

[Ponder]

Looking really good there Dahila. I would add a little brightening in Gimp or your choice of editing software, however massive improvement overall. Well done and thanks for sharing.

It's good that we can help our kids like we do. Your daughter and grandchild are very lucky to have you Dahila. Many parents these days have no time for their kids and offer little help that rarely counts. Throwing money at them does little to help.

Thanks again for sharing - I tell you what, I will log in from now on as online ... that way if you see me on .. and this goes for anyone else that is interested ... people are more than welcome to reach out and say hi. Would be good to catch up like so.

Take care now ... we catch up soon enough.

Thanks again for sharing ... massive improvement. Your on the right track.
ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Your a gem Dahila and LOL - very true ... Yes ... don't know what happened with Marc but I do wish him well.

[Ponder]

Righto - that's my read and offering up in the other thread. I'm off to the Gym.
Have a good one all. ;)

[Dahila]

I am off to other thread. I spend like 10 hours cleaning and organizing my workshop. It is awesome now. :))My back is hurting like a hell, can not move , but anyone can come to check the shop up, I am going to pass with flying colors

[Ponder]

Yea, it takes a lot of work to get things up to scratch business wise. That's really great news Dahila. :)

I'm off for a walk. I'm starting to get nervous about this trip to the city.
Check back later once I pack my bags and have all my paper work in order.

[Ponder]

I came across a rather interesting watch on youtube I thought worth sharing. It's a bit like the Zeitgeist Series (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeitgeist_(film_series)) which is also available on YouTube as well. You kind of have to be objective and remain open to get through the entire presentation. It's rather challenging in a lot of areas. I'm glad I did not switch off early on as I found the beginning to trigger my alter ego. (as did many elements throughout)

Once I cared less to make any judgment at all and got through to the end - I thought it was an enlightening presentation over all. No real sense of doom and gloom at all. I think the Zeitgeist Series failed to give much direction or hope at the end of their doco's (I found the Venus Project Movement to far reaching although well meaning) - Whilst I still do not agree with much of the monetary system ... I like how this presentation offers up a resistance that does more than just offer hope.

I'd love to go more into what I was thinking and still contemplating - I thought it was also really great how they left relgion out of the picture. I don't remember anything about it at all? I guess the best way to dis-empower something is not to pay it any attention at all. Hmmm - I guess they want to appeal to the masses and given the principle of corruption that is highlighted are known well to be instilled and spawn from relgion ... such is a no brainier or not worth mentioning at all.

The source of corruption revealed is pretty much known to be deeply embedded and or spawn from such establishments. At least that is my reasoning why it was not mentioned, as well as not wanting to turn those away who need to hear this the most.
_______________________________________________

Covers really well what took Zeitgeist 6 hours to do and yet give more. You will need 2 hours though and also a willingness to remain open with an ability to look past the conditioning of our limiting beliefs. Just glean what works - as far as hard truths go ... doom and gloom is not the essence of this vid. I did question some selling of fear along the way as a means to influence the watcher to seeing the presenters way ... but when weighing up the pros and cons from my own world view ... It was an overall pretty good watch. Enlightening to some degree ... a worth while watch - if the watcher is willing and ready to hear.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEV5AFFcZ-s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEV5AFFcZ-s

[lolfeg123]

[I][COLOR=#800080]"
Thanks again for your response lolfeg123.


Thats OK.
Yes, astral projection trespasses into some very interesting, yet speculative territory - out of body experiences are at the margins of knowledge. Has not been proven - and psychologists would say such supposed experiences are really just weird problems with mind and memory. Here's the key question - if we can 'travel outside of our bodies' - then what is it exactly that does the travelling? If it is spirit or mind - then what is that such that it has no material side to it? We cannot detect souls drifting through the air - despite a capacity to measure materiality down to sub-atomic levels. Where is the soul in the material universe?
Having said this, AP sounds like something that would not be explicable in naturalistic or scientific terms. If people believe in it, then their belief would be 'faith-based' rather than reason guided, or at least I think so.

thanks for the reply

[Ponder]

... and a special thanks for your reply kind sir. :)

I had written out a response but lost it all due to backspace yet again.

Suffice to say, I will just give sum up for now with the following:

The only kind of knowledge that counts for me, is that which allows me to experience the experience itself. One I step outside it to find reason, the portal dissipates and the trip is done.

Here's to wishing us all a great day/evening.
_________________________________________________

Lisa is getting more nervousness than me about the plain trip this morning. I best get of this now and finally finish packing everything.

Adios ... until next post. ;)

[Ponder]

Soul Retrieval :
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1634/26080182304_64bea89161_z.jpg

[Ponder]

My summery of today's private session at the Royal Commission and favorite photo for the day:

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1455/26085343544_9a7f43c66e_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/FK5cQu)

[Ponder]

It's been a huge day. My battery is just about depleted, but figured a quick post in a familiar place might help me settle in an otherwise unsettling place. I know coming to the city was not going to be easy for me. I am very fortunate to have Lisa with me. I'm feeling quite down but that's OK. I'm thankful that I was able to answer the questions the commission had for me. I really don't think I was able to share my story from my perspective, but I still left feeling I had somehow helped by showing up. The commissioner seemed to be of good character as too everyone else that did what they could to make me feel safe.

There is really not much more to say - other than what's already been said.

I'm grieving still - there is no doubt about that. I've got some more info to go home with and an invitation to continue to assist. I'll take my time with that.
__________________________________________________

It was good to catch up with my Son who's been doing well on his own. He came into the city to visit us at the hotel we are staying at. After he left, I told Lisa I needed to go for a walk. I have the appearance of someone fit and healthy, plus well presented - but my heart is deeply weighted for those I see regressed in the shadows. I really felt for the image I captured today. I wanted to go up and introduce myself but it did not feel right to do. I think the best I can do, is take the image and relay the contrast for others to feel as they may.

For me - there is a deep connection to such solitude that will always be with me until I die. It's that unique perspective that I'm now drawing from in order to be content no matter the pain.

Time to put myself on the charger ...
Night - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thx for listening.
~Dave.

[Ponder]

Feeling a little better this morning. I left Lisa at the motel whilst I went for an early morning walk into the CBD. (4:30am) – I knew I was going to see a lot more people who cared less about hiding in the shadows. In fact the first homeless person I saw was laid out under bright lights along side a shop entrance. There was a guy emptying out his truck navigating around his body whilst he appeared to be asleep. I was more observing the few people about, whose gaze was quickly caught up by the image what must of suddenly appeared before their feet, lest some trip – but like I said, this homeless person was not so hard to see; but more an issue with where he was positioned in the street.

I was actually impressed with the layout of gear he had spread around his person. My hiking buddy would of also been intrigued at such a use of small space. My mind then pondered the fact that I was looking for a place to order some food and take back to share with Lisa as it would be sometime before we could order breakfast. Suffice to say, I ended up going back empty handed as I gave my food to a few of the homeless.


I mean not to mention it as I fear such a saviour complex. I really do. In fact – I am so keenly aware of how that effects others having been one to hide in the shadows for many years myself. I just knew that this whole trip with the Royal Commission and then walking the CBD in this capital city as it be … I knew this was very much about the title I entitled two photos back.

I walked around the city blocks a few times with bag and food in hand – eventually I decided like how it was not a good idea to introduce myself to the image I captured last night, that I would just take the food and drink back to my room. Just as I was leaving the last CBD block I came across a young fella who was obviously to me shaking from withdrawals and in a bit of a state. It was is if I just happened upon him and I opened my bad and said in the meekest of ways “Ya want a sandwich buddy?” He did even look at me, but simply manoeuvred for the bag and asked if I had iced tea. So with the sanga, I also pulled out an ice to that seemed to just happen in the same way I changed my mind.

Directly around the corner I almost tripped on the first fella that was laid out like I first described. I gently lent over and strategically placed Lisa's food and drink next to his well laid out gear. I noticed more people and many of them seem to be looking on with intent – unlike before. I was trying to hold back tears as I kept on walking but failed as one or two trailed down my cheek.

It was what it was – I can tell you it was no saviour complex – and whilst it was doing what I can for others, it was as much for me. I was worried about how Lisa might react when I got back, but we instead talked more about what we could do to help the situation as it be. More so regarding how Lisa has been thinking of doing more back where we live with regards to simalar things.


So that's a wrap with this trip – time to check out and catch the plane.

It's been a good journey to be sure.

Adios – until next post.

[Ponder]

It's good to be back at home. I don't think any of us should be as worried as we make out we are in places like these. Now that, that challenge is over, I think I will move onto the next one. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Just like the thread that started this all off with my bro's death - It's now time to put this one to bed: Bottom of Page Pg 69 a:t the following link - Nightmare revealed from there:
http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?24817-WARNING-Content-gt-Raw-Emotion-My-head-space-and-Check-List/page69

Thx guys. This place has served it's purpose for me and I to it. Just PM me if your interested in keeping in touch. I will get an email. I've got plans to keep moving, however those steps are going to require everything that's left in the tank. I intend to PM a few of you once I know more of where I'll be at.

Take care guys and thanks for your support.

Wishing you guys all the best. ;)

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5530/14062696898_2607de1d0f_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/nqEZRm)

[Dahila]

Please, if you go let me know where to find you, of course..........if you want to stay in touch;)))