Under My Rock - The musings of an Anti Social Individual

[Ponder]

I'm feeling really depleted about now. I did well to come up with a suitable Title.

Congratz on meeting someone Marc. Take is slow and choose where and when you meet. Seems to me that you have had hardly anytime to adjust, let alone discover yourself once more without the distraction of others. (I don't know - just assuming of course) I could go on ... but feeling really tired after this mornings run.

Going to charge up and come back when well rested.

Take Care.

[Im-Suffering]

spot on yes. but this person is so cool. please continue ill be back to read tomorrow.

missed your chat at the bottom, was talking with her.

catch up soon.

[Ponder]

NO worries about the chat marc, all in good time. No deep thoughts tonight. Just resetting my clock like Jesse with this here thread. You'll be right Jess - work on getting those blue lights levels right and look into whatever else may help.

TY Dahila ... I've been thinking of you too - Bought some Oatmeal & Honey Soap: :)

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/652/21746354860_6ed8720dc4_b.jpg

Hey - I got another thread going that shows what I have been up to. I bit the bullet and joined a weight loss forum again. Has been a few years and I actually can't get back in one of the Australian ones. Go Figure!!! - I'm a buzz kill on all the joy and advertising hype. Must have my ip banned.

Anyways - You know me - Fully Transparent and could care less. Here's that link:
The Motivational Generator! (http://weight-loss.fitness.com/threads/67099-The-Motivational-Generator!)

I've been pretty busy keeping a routine mostly. Whilst to some degree I have been digging deep, I've also been conscious of making changes intended to last. I have lost a decent amount of weight, but not really wanting to place expectations on that. Still very much purging toxins, both physically and mentally.

I'll probably double post some info so no need to visit I suppose.

For instance - I share these snaps I took whilst out running the other day. I usually have my phone in hand to time out my intervals - great for taking a snap shot when the opportunity presents. These where taken at the end of my route. My route is depicted in my weight loss thread.

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5741/21313274673_5468df619d_z.jpg --- [https://farm1.staticflickr.com/740/21908254396_5b41c33fdc_z.jpg

So anyways - I figured it would be good to pop back in here and log in my more wacky posts. I seem to of done a good job of alienating myself at the other place. People are well meaning - pop in for a little bit, but don't really come back. ...to be fair, I don't really mind, but I also know it's not the place for my more spiritual like posts. I guess this place is also not ... but it's been a good spot either way. SAS -whilst it had that blog option I was looking for ... well that place is more rife with main stream disillusion, than in here.

Sorry if I missed anything from my other thread. I only have the capacity to follow what now flows in here.
______________________________________

Tomorrow I am going to catch up on all the chores.

Night Folks.

[Ponder]

TY Pam - "...You guys know the ones, those who continuously whine but do nothing to help themselves. I suppose it's the same with anything, in order to get the results you are looking for you have to put in some effort to find what works for you."

This consolidates some major changes I have made. Thank You.

Now get to bed Dave.

[Im-Suffering]

Ive got to tell you all, Dave. Im scared. And Ill tell you why. I hope you dont see this as hijacking the thread, but i feel the need to 'confess' and lower my guard.

This new person in my life (trying to enter my life) has finally triggered what my problem has been all along, since childhood.

I am a narcissist.

And from whatever i have been reading it is quite difficult to cure. Its the reason for the anxiety, the alienation, and honestly can be determined by my words and actions throughout my tenure here, in my posts, and 'help' to the people. And the reason for the exaggerated sense of self or exhaulted overblown ego, as an 'outsider' or alien or someone who puts themselves above others. Using 'good job marc' as narcissistic supply when in fact i have no clue who I am, really, I am no one, my self is dependent on who i can manipulate into thinking im grandiose in some manner, and everyone is just an extension of myself with no real empathy.

I can attribute this to a father who I forever tried to receive love from, but was never at all good enough, and a mother who would be my supply. All of my relationships ended when the supply eroded to a level of equal intimacy and that I could not handle. On that level of mutual respect I could not manipulate or magnify my false self any longer and so frustration set in and abandonment. You cant build yourself up into a super human if the fragility of your core is exposed in a relationship once the newness of it set in. They might recognize 'me', and me is a piece of shit.

Anyhow I write this, because it might help others to come into the light. I know it is the cause of agoraphobia, my failed relationships, anxiety, panic attacks, and ultimately the loss of this new friendship I have made with this new person.

If you tell me Im being to hard on myself, you become my narcissistic supply, and you build me up, which i feed on, If you tell me Im a piece of crap than that is no good too. Therapy is so difficult according to psychology because a complete reparenting is necessary they say.

I am quite afraid, not of dieing or whatever, but of hurting future people in relationships, and also of sitting here alone, literally, for as long as I shall live.

No pity please. Im a bullshit artist, and a con man. Not by my own making, but what I was made to be through utterly craptastic parenting.

I told my wife I loved her only as far as it would get me adulation or a supply of admiration, only enough to suck her into my trap and use her as an extended sense of self (no boundaries). An extension of me, to do with what I wish.

Im being brutally honest here, out in the open.

Thanks for this thread Dave. I really dont know what the fuck to do. But i know I cant hurt anyone else.

And for what its worth i really do love you guys.

Heres my autobiography:

http://www.echo.me.uk/npd4.htm

As an aside, I know Im not a bad guy inherently (this is the core of the narcissistic problem, not being perfect enough for a parent, or being told repeatedly i am rotten to the core), I think maybe youll tell me Im being to hard on myself, Ive just got this immense psychological issue. I dont know how to go inside and reparent myself.

Can someone help me?

[Dahila]

Marc you are who you are, I do not think analyzing yourself does any good to you. I had done it for so many years. You need to live not to harm anyone, including yourself. New friendship is terrifying you,, It is an excuse Marc. You must feel really down if the agoraphobia is back. I know you do not like meds but maybe it would be not bad idea to get a break. I have huge ego , which I am trying to control but it does not stop me to function. It is difficult but it is workable.. I really miss you Marc:)

Dave the soap is beautiful it is artisan soap. Tell me how good it is?
I am off to make Avocado, dandelion soap with cocoa butter ; i have people asking for vegan soaps.................. :)

[Im-Suffering]

I miss you 2. Hi !

[Ponder]

Hi Dahila - will respond soon.

Marc - I always secretly hope that you will high-jack my threads.

I must go and do my thing to right my head - but will thoroughly go through your post when I get back.

That's a promise!

You are most welcome. You are like a brother to me.

Love ya bro.

Back in a few hours.

[needtogetwell]

Hi Dave,
Excuse me while I answer Marc for a second.....

JACKPOT!!!!! Bells and whistles!!!!! Epiphany!
I think in the early days you and I butted heads so often because I saw the bullshit artist you speak of. As time passed I also saw the nice guy underneath. You have some decisions to make now, how are you going to go forward with your life regardless of where these characteristics came from. You can attribute these things to mom and dad for just so long, but you know you have to take responsibility for your actions from here on out. You decide what you want and then find a way to do it. I think you know I will support you and cheer you on all the way.

Dave,

Good thread again, nothing less than what I would have expected from you.

Glad to see you are working on the weight loss thing again. If it's important to you, you will do it, you just continue to find and tweak what works for you.

It's been another up and down day for me, bawling in the shops as I was looking for clothes for Justin, kept seeing things that Scott would have liked. Oh wow, I'm starting to think of these episodes as grief attacks. One day they may subside.

I do a great deal of journal writing at the moment. I write to Scott. Tell him about my day, memories, painful times, you name it. I think it may be some comfort to me. Good thing I bought a dozen of these journal books, have written 100+ pages in 17 days.

Anyway, I'm not in tears right now and can see what I am typing, autocorrect is even behaving.

Cheers!

[jessed03]

That's a heck of a post, Marc. Very insightful. I'm really glad you chose to share, even though I unfortunately can't offer much advice on narcissism as I had similar problems with my own father. I recognize it's there and try to cut it out when I see it, you know, but it still is there nonetheless.

I love the rawness of these threads. Always have. It's the type of rawness that only comes out when people trust one another. It's beautiful to see.

@ Pam: Thanks for your update, too! Always nice to hear how you're doing. How's Justin dealing with everything? God, grief is such a shitty thing. :-/

[Dahila]

oh I forgot to link you guys: to my page so far only on fb but there will be more I hope
https://www.facebook.com/danabathandbodycare

[jessed03]

oh I forgot to link you guys: to my page so far only on fb but there will be more I hope
https://www.facebook.com/danabathandbodycare

How do I report this spammer? ;)

[Ponder]

Not at all Pam. It’s really great to hear from you again. Yea, my wellbeing is relieved for the effort I have thus far made in reducing the amount of waste that I have allowed build up over the years. Things are heading in the right direction there.

Thanks for sharing that Pam. I really do appreciate knowing how you’re currently doing. I understand you’re saying before about not having the space for helping others at this point, but what you do share is help enough. I can’t say enough what it means to hear you talking as you do. TY


I’ll be sure to let you know Dahila. I’ve showered but not yet used that soap. Testing it on my face will be a good test. Yes it is hand made. If I may add, it’s really good to catch up with you all you guys again. Edit - sweet as Dahila ... LOVE the page you have there ... WD!!! I am yet to see the quality of craftsmanship that you have so well displayed there!

Jesse says what he says really well. Spot on Jess – it's really good to see you as well.

I hope John pops in soon - Hi John :)

I am just now reading Marc … be with you soon.

[Ponder]

Marc ... Indeed that is Hard Core stuff. I think you need to sit with it as long as you need. That link is of great interest to me. I will have to read that later - I have just now Favorited. I'm not going to feed you anything - I respect that notion of you mentioning such a vital point.

I can only relay Pam's point of the guy I have come to know, regardless of the conflict that eventually lead us to be friends. In that light, I was glad to meet someone beneath the burden of what I would term as residual pain. Well that was the take that I got from Listening to Tolle, learning about such things not only helped me to see myself, but also others somewhat like me.

Your messages have always been powerful, regardless of how pissed off I got. Your intent always won me over, and again ... despite my own BS and what I would think to label of yours, there was and still is something very special in you! Fuck the exteriors we all coat ourselves in and or the stories we attribute ... hell I don't even care for Love & Light ... yet I know they exist in you!!! It's like having the answer presented in front of your face, or the keys to get out of prison just out of reach. In my heart, I knew it was just your way to reach out as you did and do. You taught me to stop resisting and just open the cage! A lot of what you passed onto others is in many ways the key to unlock your own chains.

I don't know man ... I am just trying to say how special you really are. You are way more than the function attributed to a label that only seeks to confine. For sure it is good to understand the process, but be very careful how one reads into that. Especially during a point in which the head would do far better to unload, rather than take more in. Again ... I will check out that link. I have always wondered on the deep meaning to what a Narcissist is. But in many ways, my lack of knowledge is various labels has more than likely been a good thing.

Marc - I am reaching my limit trying to connect where it counts. When I said I had to go out and to what was right for my head - I walked seven miles and listened to a few pod casts that really helped. One of which I emailed you. I think it was about FEELING:

I share because others might find it also helpful - There was a moment I thought really content in ... about the perception ... or detachemnt of seeing the deeper meaning to what a feeling really is. " ... Pleasant, Unpleasant or somewhere in between ... " It may sound really simple like Doh! ... but there is a sense of detachment when viewing the stories that comes to our minds as no more than stories that drive the feelings of Pleasant, Unpleasant or somewhere in between. So like OK - I am feeling this unpleasant feeling - where is that leading? ... How is it assocaited to the way I think and what about this story that needs to be told ... tell it as it feels ... what is feeling again and how am I really feeling - OH YEA ... I rememver one big point ...

Know that feelings are impermanent - comming to really understand that can be of great solace that allow for much needed space ... then ones perceptions can take on a new form again.

Establishing Mindfulness: Feeling (http://tunein.com/topic/?TopicId=101399662)

I stopped and thought of you and Pam along that walk and took some photos with my phone.
I take a little break and share that next with some more thoughts.

Again - I don't know in all this ... except to say that all us here now - none of us are bad people. Dahlia hit the nail on the head with "we are just who we are" Functions are given to the labels that we often see ourselves as. Often our function and that of the environment we exist is always changing. So it is that same fallibility that comes from seeing ourselves as how we Feel; it too is present when we project ourselves as any defining label would assume.

It's a black hole going down such routes. Just like I don't like Society and bitch about it all the time, trying to understand everything about it, would consume me ... It is far wiser to simply accept the feelings inside myself and come to see them as impermanent and in that adopt the same concept when viewing, practical and well organized categories - we don't confine our self, whilst defining. Remember the old saying - "... to define is to confine" We are so much more than the sum of our thoughts.

I hope some of this helps? You are a very special person ... so much more to the trivial chaos that spawns from a resistant mind. None of this is permanent, nor is that ravaging feeling that's eating you up ... express it as you must ... feel it ... keep revealing it ... but know above all, that it will pass and that you are so much more than it would have you continually feed yourself.

I go make lunch and share those pics after.

Peace out guys ... and thanks again for sharing with me.

(apologies, not fully edited)

[Im-Suffering]

Hey everyone, just wanted to check in and say thank you, and hello. Ill read the emails in the morning. Its 1230 AM now and ive been on the phone with my new woman friend :) since 7, jeez. She is really knocking my socks off.

And heres the kicker, I told her about the anxiety and even agoraphobia, she said not to worry, she would support me and help any way she could without forcing an uncomfortable situation. No judgement only compassion.

I think im falling.........for this person.

I cant keep my eyes open, cya tomorrow.

Edit there are a few conflicts, one its only been 2 months since my wife left, but with the lack of contact or resolution im to assume its over, but there still is some regret and guilt that i dont want to carry over. I actually have stronger feelings for the new person, but still some conflict. And secondly if i have a third chance at love now, i dont want to screw it up or second guess if i truly have learned the lessons of the past and not bring forward any of this pain or narcissism. We did a great deal of talk about her first husband and also my relationships, so a lot is already on the table.

Ideally i would like to move forward with an open heart. I never expected this so soon, im sort of unprepared. But very willing in spirit to see what comes.

[Ponder]

The anticipation of feeling accepted without expectation. Ride with whatever works Marc. Make the most out of whatever comes your way.

Here's those pics.

One for my other thread:



Listening to podcasts with my hydration bladder and a 7 Mile/11.5km Walk.

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5707/21337897523_01bbc20556_z.jpg



______________________
_

Then a splash of color caught my eye. I thought of my friends Marc & Pam.

Life is made of more than one cycle:
One need not wait till ones end; before starting again.

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/763/21968786721_28f45fd4cc_c.jpg



EDIT - Pam ... I walk with my brother most days.

[needtogetwell]

Hi Dave,

Great post, I know it was intended for Marc but I did get something out of it.

Marc,

So nice to hear you spent so much time on the phone with your lady friend. You had me a little concerned in your post because you eluded to that relationship being over, before it has had a chance to really begin.

At some point you will likely have to resolve the relationship with your wife, for no other reason than having some peace of mind and a clean slate to go forward with this new relationship. When Scott and I got together he still had to resolve his relationship with his wife, that took the better part of a year, but opened up the door for something quite extraordinary . Nothing would make me happier than to see you truly happy, and enjoying life with the perfect person. I had that opportunity, and for the rest of my life I will know what magic two people can bring to each others lives.

Another tough morning for me. The tears and the pain flow, but I am doing my best to feel it. As hard as it is, I will never give myself the chance to heal until I truly feel the pain.

Must get on with my day, it will be a busy one, and an emotional one. Scotts cousin is here from Delaware, and I will be spending most of the day with her and his mother. His mother is shattered over Scotts passing and I do what I can to help her through it. Sometimes though it is almost impossible for me to find the courage to go and see her. Much as she wants to see me, she becomes an emotional mess and her pain is like it was the day I told her he was gone. Oh the joys of dementia.

Take care everyone,

Cheers!

[needtogetwell]

Just an update. Scotts cousin is a really amazing lady, I like her very much.

Interesting turn of events today, when I called the nursing home to let them know I was taking his mom out today they said she was having a really good day. That was a bit of a relief as I had visions of her sobbing hysterically throughout lunch.

We got to the nursing home to get mother, and it quickly became clear as to why she was having such a good day......she has forgotten that Scott passed away 18 days ago ( yes I am still counting the days, it's a little like how you count days and weeks with a newborn. Lol). So here I am, every time she asked if Scott was ok, I told her he was fine, every time she asked where he was, and it was every other sentence, I told him he was at home.

Technically I did not lie to her, Scott is ok and yes he is at home, on my coffee table not withstanding, but yes, it was a trying afternoon, I'm glad to be home. Wow, this day is going to take up many pages of my journal tonight.

[Ponder]

Pam, I am somewhat relieved that you have been able to come up with various coping strategies to help yourself during this time. I like the sound of counting the days. I would often do similar regarding my brother and still do to some degree. That's a cool story re Scott's Mother. :)

Have you been able to take time of work? Forgive me it out of place to ask. Head Space must be extremely important to you now? Your level of functioning is quite inspiring, or is how I feel when I read you what you write. You are quite skillful with writing. I can see how a Journal would be just the ticket to help you during this time. I often aspire to be able to write at your level after reading many of your posts.

____________________________________

Not much to report myself. Having said that though, I am posting away in the Weight Loss Diary to keep myself motivated. I also find the focus in writing about the paths I am currently on, helps to close the gap between where I have started and where I have gone. I find the experience of evolution taking place in the now, when my focus, turns into an effortless form of concentration. Another fancy way of describing, The Zone. More so the experience of riding between two stations - that always see the destination ... in the now.

Thinking of taking a ride to my other thread and spinning a few others out. :)

Take care my friends.

PS - Actually Marc - I just remembered. I will go and reply to you now. Srry man ... I have been busy. :)

[Ponder]

Hey Brother - My reply is in. :)

[needtogetwell]

Hey Dave,

Don't sell yourself short, you write exceptionally well and I have commented on it numerous times in the past. What you do here, and in the other thread is not so different to what I do with the journal, I've just chosen a low tech method, also one that is completely private.

Low tech is kind of how I've gone in the past 5 weeks or so. The last week and a half of Scotts life required an enormous amount of organization simply to manage his meds and feeds correctly. I came across something called a "bullet journal" which is a method for organizing all those to do lists and things you want to remember (good for me because for many months I have complained of Swiss cheese brain). This method is very flexible and can be adapted to anyone's needs. It only requires a pen and a notebook. So now every evening I sit down at my kitchen table ( which thankfully I have excavated from all the assorted paper and crap on it, back to that organization thing of my other thread) and review my day, what I have actually accomplished and what is either important enough to move forward to the next day or eliminate if it is no longer important or relavent. The pen and paper force me to slow down and pay attention, which with an ADHD brain can be quite the challenge.

Work- I have been given the luxury of returning when I am ready. Thankfully Scott and I had chosen our vacation times for this time of year, so for this week and next I am technically on vacation. We made those choices back in January . I am bouncing around the idea of going back the first week of November. The challenge with work is that it too is an emotional trigger. The people are wonderful and so supportive, but the building itself is the trigger. Many many memories in there that overwhelm me. We worked together there for 12 years.

Anyway, it's 6:44 am and Justin is up, need to get him some breakfast and then off to school. Have a great day all!

[needtogetwell]

Ok Dave, I'm taking over your thread again, you can tell me to stop any time. Hehehe.

I've come to the conclusion that grief really is an EVIL BASTARD!!!!!!! Just when you think you can string an hour or so together without breaking down into a sobbing mess, then here comes another wave and I wonder if I will survive it.

I know I will, but in the mean time I'm getting kind of sea sick from it. :P

[Ponder]

By all means Pam - I have been flat out again today. Looking forward to putting in a reply and update myself a bit later on.

Just messing about at my daughters while everyone is chatting about whatever. Hope you like my new avatar.

People tell me I am too serious ... I don't think they have met my other side yet.

Will make a post when I get home ... Again, really enjoying the read.

TY.

[Ponder]

Righto - Back home now. Forgive the clowning around Pam. More to do with the other forum than anything else. Kind of over all the gloss and whatnot that some folk go on with. Anyways - Short? Nothing wrong with short Pam. Short is was I am. :) I'm right into selling short off as the new wave craze. My brother was not much more than 5"4 and mother, barely 5 foot.

arrrrrrrrrr -I gotchya, narrrr - was not my meaning ... what just highlighting and encouraging. Thanks for relaying the same.

All I can say is just ride with what you must Pam. If not for this world being so insensitive, people would not have to feel shamed for breaking down in what others may imply as an inappropriate response in an inappropriate place. Of course not saying that's how you feel ... just saying it as I see in general. Reminds me of the poor crazy guy speaking to himself at a bus stop full of people. One time I saw my daughter off.

Far better to ride with the grief as it comes - bit like treating hemorrhoids by going when one must. The alternative is just letting the pain build. I must say, I am feeling much better with regard to that. It's unnatural the way we hold everything in. That's all I mean.

Forgive the analogy ... goes with the avatar as current with this post.

Someone is calling - will have to take a rain check and come back later.

Back later guys - Take care.

[needtogetwell]

I like the less serious side of Dave. I too have been accused of being far too serious for my own good. The trouble is, or at least has been that when I try to crack a joke, I usually offend someone and get in a whole world of trouble so I just simply don't do it very often. Burned repeatedly leaves you a bit charred and gum shy.

Am only here for a minute, this is my daily 2:00am wake up. Scott died at 2:00 am and since then I wake up every day at that time. Makes for pretty lousy sleep.

Back to bed or should I say the living room floor for me. Have to be up around 6:15 to get Justin up and start his day.

In your words Dave,

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

[Ponder]

arrr yes Pam, but when the shit hits the fan, then everyone wants advice ... how often it is, that it's the concerned ones that are in the know. I just hope I remain able to be of good will to hand out advice. I know it helps me to feel connected on a level that matters, and without a need to be in someone else pocket while I do it.

Hope this finds you well, I as do the same for everyone else.

Wish me a good day of exercise tomorrow, as I think the next week will see me make some good goals. Holly Crap! Did I say Goals. WTF is happening to me ... I think I best just stick to the word routine, lest I wind up on Amazon shelling out unnecessary cash for the latest fad TCB ... Just kidding --- that one does not exist yet.

Over and Out. Signing Off.

[jessed03]

Lmao! Great avi, Dave.

Sorry if I'm interrupting anything. Just gonna read through the latest posts now.

[needtogetwell]

The connection feels right again. Like it or not.

I really did miss you, and hearing about Lisa and your grandson. Somehow Dave when things went sideways lots for me started to go sideways. It was a really tough struggle.

I hope this level of contact is not causing any friction, you know what I mean, and the PM helped to smooth any worries. I don't want you to go down that road again because of me.

The horror of this path I am on is simply something I really don't want anyone else to go through. I suppose I am lucky, I have no regrets, there was no friction between us, and it was nothing but love until his last breath. I can't even imagine how bad this could be if we weren't as solid as we were.

Here I go being all serious again, somewhere down the road I will find a bit of the smart ass I can be , but for now I will just enjoy the levity through you.

Keep it up Dave, share all my posts with Lisa, keep the love and the dedication to her going. It will pay big dividends in the end.

Much love to you both.
Cheers!

[JohnC]

Yep, I am still here lurking about.
Pam i think of you often and what you must be going through and i hope that time will give you some relief.
Hi Dahl, that soup sound good. I have been making soups for the freezer.
Howdy do P ? Sounds like you got yourself on a path my fat ass should be on. I have gained so much weight since i quit smoking the screws i have in one of my feet started hurting really bad. I did like what you said about putting work into something if you want to see the benefits or something like that.
Hi Marc, it looks like i got some reading to do. Wishing you the best.
Jess, always good to see ya man or read ya :)
Peace to all of you and i am sure i will have more to say at a later time

[jessed03]

Yep, I am still here lurking about.
Pam i think of you often and what you must be going through and i hope that time will give you some relief.
Hi Dahl, that soup sound good. I have been making soups for the freezer.
Howdy do P ? Sounds like you got yourself on a path my fat ass should be on. I have gained so much weight since i quit smoking the screws i have in one of my feet started hurting really bad. I did like what you said about putting work into something if you want to see the benefits or something like that.
Hi Marc, it looks like i got some reading to do. Wishing you the best.
Jess, always good to see ya man or read ya :)
Peace to all of you and i am sure i will have more to say at a later time

Nice to see you, bud!

What's Ohio like in the fall time?

[Ponder]

It's all good Pam, no worries there. HEY JOHN ... good to see you again bud. I intend to easy up on the exercise so don't worry about that. I think walking is going to be my thing with watching what I put in my mouth. Hey Jess, happy to accommodate with the avi. :)

I'm exhausted guys, so please forgive if I did not reply in detail enough. I will be back soon enough.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Im-Suffering]

hello, hello...hello !

Love you all. What a unique and special journey each one of us is on. Yet I feel intricately woven into the fabric as a whole. While each of us is on their own way, the big blanket we created shelters and keeps us warm and safe Even while dealing with the hard feelings.

Got your email Dave, I took that advice to heart.

I actually spent the whole day cleaning :) yesterday in prep for my first in person visit with my new girl 'friend'. The closer it came to meet, the more anxiety came on thrust like a rocket upon me, I havent felt palps or flutters like that in 2 years (i just kinda said to myself, oh well, come get me and do your worst if you must), im assuming it was because ive been numb and not feeling for so long. Interesting...When the evening was over all I can say is Yum, was that reaaallly nice.

wow.

Fondest regards

[Ponder]

Hi Marc ... Good to know. TY. I'm liking the optimism you seem you to be experiencing. I am genuinely happy for you. Please to keep the updates coming. Today I am in recovery mode. My body is a little over taxed. Might just surf the web and clean the kitchen today. Watch some telly and maybe have a miday sleep.

Later guys.

[Ponder]

Mange to come up with this post in my other blog ... thought it might be better understood in here.
_______________________________________________





Getting Better Sleep. [Lifestyle Changes]

No - we are not squatting. Rental curtains simply don't cut it anymore. Curtains on order.

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5729/22018622186_87579e09ec_o.png


My youngest daughter ended up with our Bat Cave Curtains. - Hope to have them shortly. Rental properties for anything under 400 kind of suck when it comes to curtains. Most only go as far as lace. Blinds are to thin and get damaged easily and or others are only as good as a sheet. If your not as privileged as others & always moving, then you'll know what I mean.

Dark & Cool is what I need. Regulated cool temps. Hard when sleeping with a partner to attain the fine line.
Raising the bed really helps with reflux - much better sleep since I started doing that. How the hell I have been going so long with the streets lamps making their way in; *&^# only knows. The pic was taken in the middle of the day. I am hoping for a much darker sleep tonight.

OMG - srry about the clothes pile. What do do? ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/blue-face/shocked-smiley-emoticon.png

Boy that was hard work ... think I might go for a sleep.

Later.

[needtogetwell]

OMG Dave, you will laugh your ass off when I post the a pic of my bat cave curtains. Can't do it now, it's just after midnight and Justin has taken to sleeping on my bed for part of the night, is ok since I am no where ready to get into the bed alone yet.

About a year ago I found the value of sleeping in a seriously black room, even the slightest light is enough to disturb sleep.

We had to raise the head of our bed too for Scott to get relief from acid reflux which was really bad for him. Glad you are getting some good zzzzzz's now.

Ciao for now.

[Ponder]

Pleased to report my efforts with the room worked really well. Next I need to work on my "deviated septum" (Broken Nose issue). Best I can do for that is work on allergies in relation to shrinking the pathways. Outdoors in the right condition plus mild cardio also helps. Other than diettry considerations (such a no diary) - I'm thinking of looking into nose irrigation once again.

Taking a break from the weight loss thread. It was a good push - but now branching into other areas as I do. Still focused on health and well being, just not impressed with holding back nor the audience re the atmosphere I tend to breath. Kind of a bit stale when I think of it like that. Just not enough coverage if you know what i mean.

Scanned another book this morning. Sleep Diet (http://www.amazon.com/The-Sleep-Diet-Carmel-Harrington-ebook/dp/B008NZ1PE4) - by DR Carmel Harrington [/URL]


I'm actually enjoying the process of finding good books and scanning. :) The things I do to pass the time ... I don't know. Hey - I'm really loving how they convert into Word with the Clickable Navigation Bar to go anywhere in the book .. Like an active Table Of Contents. Some books better laid out for that process than others.

Not sure what is getting into me of late, been a hive of curiosity in my head. Seem to be negotiating my routine fairly well and making the right adjustments as I need. The foot pain with the jogging has really helped to clarify my next route. Food intake is going really well. Small tummy but fully up on all the nutrition. The main area for focus is tweaking my recover and intensity of activity. Food wise is mostly about digestion.

Think that about covers my update - Tinkering on some fast days coming up. Won't plan anything concrete, as I am just going with how I feel. I have an idea for a new system designed on my last few weeks. See what happens. I do that one up in word and only report if it seems to work.

Time for a podcast and gently walk.

Take care guys.

Do what you got to do.;)

[Ponder]

How's things going Marc?

How was your day Pam?

[Ponder]

I met someone too :)

Very powerful ending!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIGLgcqEceY

[Im-Suffering]

went from yum to yuck !

didnt quite work out (after) we met. (i was literally petrified). haha

seemed to be a weird match and then she said 'why are you so sad?' and 'I feel maternal when Im around you'.. uh oh.

lots more juicy tidbits like that. fuck ('why is your house so depressing, empty?) Ive got a nice house !

i dont want to be saved :)

i realized its been 30 years since i was single, with just year or so inbetween marriages. I must have lost my game.

[Ponder]

... and fair enough too Marc. Your summery I mean. ... and like what's her story anyways? - Scratch that, I don't think I want to know.

I guess it's just a matter of showing your feathers without too much expectation man. It's a whole new game when it comes to match making these days. So much has changed, yet much is still the same. I think the former is -moreso true with regards to communication. It's great for obtaining information, but the dynamics of personal relationships are not so easily emulated without presence of body. (in person)

Add to that the recent burden in which must be felt before moving on. Perhaps another topic for discussion. I totally understand that sweet sensitization of distraction when it comes in another form, (regardless of gender) but think our vulnerability is something we need work on ourselves.

I would encourage you build yourself up - which is the sense I get from your response, & leave the hang ups of others as something for them to work on.
__________________________________________________ ___

You gave it a shot man. Either keep your feathers up for another dance without too much a care for those who wish to pluck, or keep them withdrawn and work on something else for a while. Perhaps next time your feathers are out and some chick pulls in for a see, you can tell em "Srry darl, just shooting the breeze."

SO - what's next Marc?

[needtogetwell]

Hi all,
Just managing to get through the days. 23 days. *sigh*, seems like years, but also like it was yesterday. Does that make any sense?

On a slightly lighter note, the pic I'm attaching was one of his favourites, why I don't know. Love the man love the stuff. Anyway I'm thinking it needs a less prominent place in the house. Right now it greets you as you walk in the door. It is on the landing as you walk down the first flight of stairs to the basement. Problem is you see it as soon as you walk in my house.

Disrespectful to place at the bottom of the staircase where few will ever see it? Please, laugh if you will. I still shake my head every time I see it, can't believe there is actually Elvis on velvet in my house!

[Dahila]

Marc when you stop looking for it, it will appear.....................

[Ponder]

Yes Pam, that makes sense to me. Like you said before - ...the way people go on about the most insignificant of things, (albeit relative in the moment) and the way others instead DO. We are all very thankful and enlightened to have you sharing such days with us. I know I am. :)

Hi Dahila!

I share this video I did for my daughter. She is iron deficient. I just wanted to encourage her of other choices, rather than just taking pills:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rg_NcKfMmos

Take care guys.

[Ponder]

Goodnight guys - If your having trouble sleeping, try this vid with a pair of headphones and kick back. Works for me :) - although I do it from my com desk these days and not my bedroom.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKJ2Y1sRrlM

[Ponder]

John - thought of you regarding DMT when it was brought up on the following video. I understand if not for you. I picked up a book at one of the local opp shops in town. "The Complete System Of Self_Healing - [Internal Exercises]" Review Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/The-Complete-System-Self-Healing-Exercises/dp/0942196066) - Review Good Reads. (http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1513775.The_Complete_System_of_Self_Healing)

This eventually led me to checking out youtube and thus far came across this series:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLMF2bWpKEQ&list=PL2OA1LA5kaLfng4OBpp0qt8S 1LtrVD4Rn

I'm only just scratching the surface, but found the chemical breakdown leading into DMT quite interesting. I also find the OBE link interesting as presented from this perspective/culture/teaching/context. It's all relative to the chemical composition - The spirit Molecule and so on.

Since having based my routine on a more natural circadian rhythm/natural cycle - natural light, dark room with transitional periods and so on - that combined with sun bathing/natural hygiene ... then movement and dietary changes also based on Natural cycles ... I have been making some good progress!

I am moving away from the "rat in a cage" "exercise concept" and looking more into "movement" on other levels not so commonly view. Activity more inside than out. The best way I could sum up for now is my approach to food being more focused on what function it serves within my body. Since looking at food more that way, I have been spending way more time of food preparation and much much less on actually digesting the stuff.

Anyways - this concept on doing exercises for my weaker body parts (Organs) looks really good. The next step from looking to food for helping instead of damaging and more away from strenuous activity that only serves to ware me down all the more.

Sorry to ramble on.

Here is the latest project in my kitchen. Getting way more out of my nuts and seeds since soaking and drying. The milling has a lot less garbage in it now. This process allows my to make more meals that I can drink. I only have one meal that I put on a plate most days now. Also soaking my rolled oats and drinking them too.

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5644/22106083996_64f258b495_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/zFrsBf)


Leave you all to it ... I go read and watch some more before bed.

Nighty Night!

Hope all is well Marc?

[Ponder]

Picking up my youngest son tomorrow. Things did not pan out in the city as well as he had hoped. 60 hour work week in the hospitality industry. Fucking crazy if you ask me. They chew through new hopefuls at a burn out rate of 55% and just replace them with new ones. Best not go on with that. I take my hat off to him for trying. I would of told em to go fuck themselves way sooner!

I'm just glad he has parents with an open door when he needs it. Take that to ya grave mummy dearest!

God damn fucked up proprieties this world has.

Yadda yadda.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz z

[needtogetwell]

Hey Dave
I always told you you were an amazing Dad. Once again you have proved it.

I'm closing in on the 4 week mark of Scott being gone. Can't say it's getting easier, more likely harder as I no longer have the emotional protective blanket that shock affords one.

The days are both long and lightning fast, where the hell has 4 weeks gone. I live in a surreal world.

Right now I am trying to focus on purging the basement of all the assorted crap. Can't touch anything of Scotts yet but there certainly is more than enough of my stuff that has to go. Can't wait for the garbage dumpster to be dropped on my driveway, but that still has to wait a few days until o get a few $$$$ in.

Good to see you. Take care of that boy of yours.
Cheers!

[Ponder]

Thanks Pam, I hear ya.

Keep moving Pam. It helps to maintain space through keeping pace. Especially with those thoughts that don't seem to orbit so well. Movement and Time seem to be the key for me in all that I do of late.

I am doing really well with the food intake. I've taken to how I feel and how I eat like I did with giving up the smoking. I am now able to experience being unstable and refrain from eating to comfort myself. As a result, whilst still purging in that process ... I am eating clean without wearing the context/excuse, that others are so quick to imprint ... "deprivation". To me, nothing could be more ironic or further from the truth.

Here's to wishing you all a good day. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hello/hat-tip-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

I guess the dumpster will be along shortly? I hope each passing day at least gives you a little more space in which some sense of relief can be had; in whatever form, for as little as whatever. Your responses show great resilience Pam, yet I am more than sensitive and open enough for you to share whatever. I guess you have your other dairy for that and I do hope that is serving you well. Thinking of you and your son.
______________________________________

Also think of you other guys: Hope all is well Marc? Are you somewhat recoiled with your recent ride? Thems be the dangers of opening up and letting others in. To be sure it has its rewards. Remember how you put up that link and deciphered where it was that you fit? Regardless of whatever the answer be to that, I don't mind sharing that I thought the period of analyzing mixed with meeting someone new and the recent life changing event was a more a risk in the sense of being vulnerable. Of course your view had to of been obscured given the mix of emotions you must of been going through.

Both you and Pam are going to be fine. Space and Time. I know I keep saying it, but for me ... I know it's true.

I begin my own rant now ... because ultimately my own perceptions are really from my own point of view. I mean not to assume anything and or take liberties with our long standing relations and all that. Just trying to offer something up that may be better than just centering on my self.
_______________

None the less - it's been a while since I have really opened up. I have since ventured back to make a few notes in the weight loss diary, but still holding back from what really needs to be said. My mentor friend came over yesterday. That's still going well enough. No dramas with the young fella being back - everyone seems to be finding some space. Good nutrition and sleep all round as best as can be had.

I have my art gear in the sun room now and it may well be calling out to me. I think I will give that a little longer as I think on the amount of focused require to burn through all this fat. Indeed - it's quite the mission given the state in which I was to be fond.

I think now I may be ready to go ramble in my other thread on such a topic, as arriving at an unwanted station without being in the know. Being sound asleep, but in the most unhealthiest of ways.

Be as well as you can be. If breathing is not working, move yourself to another place and try drawing another breath.

Adios guys.

[Ponder]

Cut and paste from my other thread. I am starting to get paranoid in there as it really is focused on mostly BS with the way in which it hold esteem and enforces its ADDS! I however know just how much more appreciated my writings would be held here in this place with those friends I have thus far met: If I am to be fucked with again - I be sure to share to what I mean!
_______________________________________________


__________________________________________________ ________________________________________
________________
__


STEADY STATE
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/ezgif.com-gif-maker_zpsto1xd80h.gifhttp://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/black-diamond-clip-art-sfo0546_zpsbgafsxfa.jpghttp://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/ezgif.com-gif-maker1_zpsshq0arqa.gif


It's been a while by my standards since I have written anything in either thread. I think this session is best being a combination of both subjects. Weight loss/Obesity/Sickness & Mental Instability. Part and parcel in an imperfect world. I smile to think of the last cliche as I find it characterizes denial and more often used as a poor excuse than any kind of valid reason. Such lack of reasoning is constantly projected 24/7 through invasive advertising that never stops. A world that runs 24/7 designed to fuel thoughts and mold perception as one sleeps.

So powerful is this incessant imprinting ... that despite the obvious stench protruding from those calling the shots; people continue to row whilst deluded by self-fulfilling and perpetual dreams, patented off as some kind of progressive and idealistic goal setting that knows no end. A bit like reaching ones weight loss objective, but then only to play the role of consumer in order to maintain living in fear, with very little focus left for the actual living. The body is tuned, but the mind is not or the mind thinks it's in tune whilst the body is not - or both are synthetically achieved in the most unnatural of ways and whilst both may appear to be in sync; fear continues to see such shallow lives unlived.
Tick -Tick - Tick - http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/monkey-mind-ava_zpsqqot2tsx.png The steady state that I have often heard about, relates more to an even keel rather than a never ending matter stream. An attribute to obtain that seeks not to gain. A steady pace that brings about relief in a world that cares little for those who can't keep up and or out of time. Now comes the cry from the bowman to his partners who lay flat on their backs, "Quick quick, throw those no longer rowing overboard, before our BS no longer floats!"

...cont:

[Ponder]

WTF has any of this got to do with weight loss? Everything! Irony to be found with those flashy little adverts above this or that post; in this here ... my supposed little space with which to foster words meant more as a means of therapy rather than just gibberish rants. I remain unbounded by any attempt to have others enforce theirs, or some others, "will" upon me. Yet here we sit, living under advertisement designed to govern the way we write, feel and think. I now cry back to the Bowman and all his cronies - "Let the F*&#ING BOAT SINK!"


"Oh how Gandhi would be proud of such dropping of the ores." Let them have their little control fits and sink within that pile of S*#T. One can now begin with dealing what matters most. Getting the *&^ off such a miserable ship!

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Running-The-Mill_zpspovuwrj2.png Don't think for a moment that when that weight comes off, that all that self empowerment, the achievement, ambition and whatever the *&$# else those adds pump one up with is going to sustain one in a world of S*#T. Coming to fully comprehend ones reality is the only way to truly arrest those barriers that forces one to go down with the ship.

___________________________________________

The pounds are dropping ... however there is an internal battle that rages with instability that often ends up caving in beneath a pile of S*&T. Typical leads to some form of recurring depression resultant of "take a pick" - All the above can be likened to some form of negative projection coming from myself and no doubt such an assumption would be right. Because whether right or wrong, the only way off the wheel is to pull the power plug or change the view. Better yet, live in a world that knows no wheels. Kind of makes one rethink about the wonderment of such inventions.

Back later to install a more able wheel - one to educate and inspire a sustainable will. One that buffers BS adds and cuts through the Waft!

To know and do is one angle - but make what one does count so there is no coming back to only complete the same ol bs cycles. Be the cycle rather than the readout; such only knows only how to count. Tick Tick Tick as the wheel spins ...

Time to get some mild sun and let this dumping take effect.

[needtogetwell]

Hey Dave!

Nice to see you back in fine form. Missed that kind of passion in your writing for a bit. Glad to read that things are going well for you since having your son back home.

I have been lurking here for a bit, started to write something to your last post but it was so downhearted that I scrapped it.

So 31 days, crap! The full realization has hit me that my life will never be the same. If that wasn't enough to send me into full blown depression I don't know what is. Actually, I don't think I am depressed, I just don't know what the hell to do with myself. Who am I ? Who do I want to be in the future? I don't have a clue.

It only hit me a few days ago, much of my identity over the last 8 years has been 1/2 of a whole. That whole was such a huge part of me, I'm really lost without it.

One of the things which irk me to no end is how quick people are to abandon one who is suffering from such intense grief. I suppose it is learned behaviour to leave those grieving to themselves. It is uncomfortable. To be with someone who can burst into tears at any second has to be trying even for the most caring. Many people try to comfort you saying that "Scott would have wanted.....". What the f*^k does anyone other than me know what Scott would have wanted. In your words Dave, pffft!

Anyway, I find solace in writing crazy amounts, and throwing out shit from my house. Still can't deal with any of Scotts things, but I suppose that will come. New stove, dishwasher and freezer arrived the other day. I should be happy about it, but the victory is hollow at best. I bought exactly what we had been dreaming of, I'm just beside myself that he isn't here to enjoy it.

So I feel completely flat right now, it's uplifting to see you write with such passion again.

Somewhere down the road I will find my passion again. But for now I am but a shadow of my former self.

Cheers!
And say hello to Lisa for me. I trust all is well with her.

[Ponder]

TY Pam - just doing some edits. Going to town for supplies but won't be long. A few hours maybe.

I will surely be back to bail you out. Thank you for reading me. I have read you and will re-read when I get back. I mean only to crawl out and make a stand. One must feel it before really letting it go. That way, the revisiting of such stories only serve to make us grow as opposed to keeping us down. You know my style - is not nearly as negative as it may appear at first glance.

Inspiration deserves inspiration. I know you and many others in here, have given me much of that.

Hang In There → Back soon enough with a float.http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/ezgif.com-resize_zpsqk2dzd1x.gif

[Ponder]

___________________________
__

Sending you some Light. :)

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5729/20551487145_0c82aa6f54_o.jpg


Righto – Back in the writers seat. I do apologize if that post you were aiming to respond was in some way a trigger to unsettling thoughts. I certainly do not intent to be insensitive to those I figure might be watching from the sidelines, however admit that my own ambitions have on numerous occasions led me to be less mindful on such fronts. To be sure I did address yourself and Marc and now wonder if I have overstepped the mark.

. I’m probably doing it again as if inviting you to embark on something you would rather not.

I am sorry that I only have this space in which to discuss. I know the public thoroughfare is not an easy place to share and or expose ones highly sensitive states. In fact my ease at which I tend to blabber on with such raw and precarious thoughts, begs me to question my own sensibilities. But having said that, the honesty in which I struggle with such thoughts has for all intent purposes served me well. At the risk of repeating myself endlessly, this forum has been the least threatening but rather most accommodating online space I have ever found.

PAM – there is no short way with me … I’m just fixing to explain how these last few weeks I have been bidding time with respect to yourself. Remember when I got that call about my brother’s death. I do believe you have already equated the loss of words from others re your new found position to that time. Remember how many posts I talked about “Strength.” Moreover the context of “Soldering On.” Then there is the other side to which we buck ourselves up and paint a new picture before the time is right. I mean not to flatter you needlessly or persuade you one way of the other, but I got to say the inspiration I have drawn from you comes from the way in which you always seemingly find a shimmer of light; regardless of the darkest and deepest of holes you or anyone else is in. I’m pretty sure that you have before commiserated well with my stormy themes. The photos of grey clouds and rough seas. I like people who are able to embrace such solace. Not because of the sadness, but more because they seem able to appreciate the full cycle of life.

I am here and I know what you mean. Break down as you must – Pffft Indeed! The only sensibility we need care about during such grief are our own. It’s actually inappropriate for others to act in such a rejecting manner. For what’s it worth → Fuck Them!

Allow me to take what light I have and share that. I still believe in Time & Space. Somewhat twisted and different from today’s popular main stream manifesting, however I’m up for moving from my own perspective if it means giving someone else a better view. Mostly I feel better when looking to help someone other than just myself. Bit difficult at times for such an antisocial individual; but that term is more sarcasm from my point of view than it would be for those who reason it true.

I do now see – how it is that I am responsible for how I now feel.

I hope some of that helps to kindle what you have so often given to others, in their time of need. I do apologize for the purging that often alienates myself, but I figure you know me well enough.

Thanks for posting and keeping us informed.

[needtogetwell]

I'm going to lose it! Just did a big long reply. Tried to add a second picture and lost the whole post. Will do it again later.

[needtogetwell]

Ok, here we go again. What was a brilliant post vanished so this will likely be mediocre at best.

Dave, no worries about that post I didn't write. It had nothing to do with you. I was simply in a bad place that day.

You have given me a glimpse into the real me. I do tend to see a positive in people or situations. I suppose I need to find those positives in my own existence, and honestly there are many, especially when I think of all I have gained with 8 years with Scott. He brought out the softer, less jaded side of me, and boy was I cynical before. You would have never liked me then! I have always been a straight shooter, but now I seem to have the ability to offend fewer people with what I have to say. All that I attribute to Scott.

Finally received paperwork from the insurance company. I now know how much I will recieve. It's not a large sum but will be enough to go ahead and get the house brought up to the standards we both dreamed of. New floors in the living room and master bedroom, new carpeting up the stairs, and a complete paint job. I also have to buy a car. At least I will have enough to put a fair chunk down and keep payments reasonable. My parents have been great and I've been driving dads car, but with winter approaching dad wants his car back! The car has been my saviour. When I feel the walls of the house closing in I get in the car and drive. With very loud tunes of course! Lol

I'm struggling with some guilt regarding Scotts mom. It's been 2 weeks since I went to see her. Last time I saw her she didn't remember that Scott was dead. She kept asking for him, and all I could tell her was that he was alright and at home. Technically I didn't lie to her. He is alright, and he is at home. Didn't tell her he was in a box on my coffee table . Lol. I have decided to inter him in the spring, likely my birthday in April assuming the ground is not still frozen. I am just not ready to do it now. He doesn't really have any other family except his mom. There is an aunt and uncle, but they haven't spoken to me since I called them to tell them he passed. They were singularly responsible for a rage in Scott just before he died and I will not ever forgive them for that.

Since you aren't on FB any more I thought I would share a couple of pictures from a tree planting I had with my neighbours. That was a pretty good afternoon. I will post the pics separately as that is what screwed up my last attempted post here.

The tree is a blue spruce and will grow to be very large. Scott really liked these trees, he has one on the top of the hill in the back yard that he had been babying for 2 years. I better get it wrapped up for the winter, he would never forgive me if I let it die.

Anyway Dave, that's it for now.
Cheers my friend.

[needtogetwell]

Second picture from tree planting day.
This one is how Scott enjoyed the day. His favourite ball cap , the Cap is one from the official Elvis place. The Lightning bolt was the symbol of Elvis's band he called the TCB band. (Taking care of business). The beer, which we all saluted, the white roses, which I replace every week, and the box with the scull on it. Yes, that's right, a box with a scull. Scott loved Halloween, and there are more than a couple of items he had with sculls on them. His remains are in that box. I have perfectly good conversations with that box every night. Lol.

[Ponder]

Beautiful Tree! I believe I remember that picture when you posted about your lake trip no so long ago. The picture is equally as beautiful as the tree and also the way you have those items arranged. Nice looking skull!

Yea - Actually most of my family are no longer on FB. Seems we all agree it's more negative than anything else. Those of us still on it, just use it to buy and sell. LOL - You know my definition of sell, therefore I think it's rather befitting. Then of course, there is Lisa's couple of hundred thousands service users for giving and obtaining for free - THINGS FOR FREE!

THANK YOU for sharing in here at any rate. The doing so is very much appreciated.

I spent most of my time responding to a new user. Just going to copy that reply into my weight loss journal as I think it relates to a LOT of the BS I have been reading - also too → my own barriers. Which is why I need to start logging in my thoughts on such things.

Anyways - I thank you again for the read.

I am glad that you have the means to assist with those projects of which you speak. Your keeping focused in the way you do is yet again more of an inspiration. Also glad to hear of your parents support. Very much so. Grieve as you must re that guilt - however understand that blaming is such a debilitating action. Somehow I feel you already know. The way you hold yourself - no pretense - makes me think your not only going to come through the other side, but have you'll have more reason to breath than you may have once previously thought.

Do please keep some of that cynicism. We could just bran that something else. I think it makes us good writers Pam. Keeping it real is what counts. :)

Take care Pam -
___________________________________

"OI!" - when are you other guys going to chime in? http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/confused/yellow-smiley-confused-emoticon.gif

[Dahila]

Pam people are scared to strike the conversation. They do not know what to say not to hurt you. I know you need someone just to talk about Scott, no to pretend he does not exist. I do not post anymore but I had to , so you know that you're not alone.
Hi Dave
I do not post due the lack of time :(

[Ponder]

Hi Dahila! Nice to see you again. YEA ... TIME ... Yet another product of our great evolution.
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/race_the_clock_PA_300_clr_zpsahlcftuo.gif GO YOU CAN DO IT! I do so hope you will catch yourself soon enough. http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/stick_figure_normal_walk_md_wm_zpshiishtvv.gif

[Dahila]

Dave like always I put myself in this situation, but the true is I love it:))

[Ponder]

Totally understand. My issue is not being able to stop once my receptors figure they love it as well. :)

The soap is awesome. I'm never going back.

[Ponder]

When you have time Dahila, could you share how your soap venture is going? Have you been doing the markets?

[Ponder]

Hi Guys - I feel like apologizing that I have not been writing in here as much as I intended. SRRY. I'm hopping many of your are doing well. I understand time is an issue with many of you that work. Families also come first and all that. Just finished touching base in my wight loss thread. It's quite the mission to keep myself on track. Not so much food wise. That seems to now be ingrained in me.

Just figured I would freestyle some thoughts in here with the meditation tunes currently trickling in my ears. I'm thankful for all the time I have spent writing in here. It really is a great way to relax having now masted the art of transferring thoughts from keyboard to screen. I know it's quite a skill to write by hand, but there is no way I could hand write as quick as I think. A lesson to be sure in curbing my mind, yet there is a sense of freedom with gliding my fingers across the keys as I think.

Time for a cup of tea. yea yea, running commentary I know ... I'll refrain from describing when nature calls. BRB. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/toilet/reading-on-toilet.gif


Clocked up 16km's of walking and did quite a bit of other activity today.

I'm going to share a link in here. It was forcefully brought to my attention at the other site that I was pushing the boundaries with sharing links. Therefore I will just share in here. In fact, I think I will make a point of that when I something to share. Great Idea.

I came across this guy listening to a podcast today:
http://www.fatboythinman.com/

This one also looks good:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIIwg9oBMxg

Catch up later guys.

[Ponder]

I share this post I made on the other end - It was a good write up.

I would only add it was the milling over a new term I coined "Poseggative" that lead me to "The Power of Transition." Making the most out of negative situations, or at least learning from them. I will think more on that later. It also relates to a recent family animation produced by Walt Disney - Inside Out. Joy is not nearly as effective until she embraces sadness. It's a good watch.

So many topics coming to my head - Anyways ... here is the final edit on the one below.

Again - wishing you guys all the best. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/birds/hatching-from-egg-smiley-emoticon.gif
_____

Transitioning. Moving Sustainably.

My huge effort yesterday is not something I could easily sustain, however it was a means to on end in which I was only able to achieve through the skill of transitioning. I think the manner of my last post shows well that everything we say and do comes at a cost. [Energy In - Energy Out / Positive & Negative will continue to orbit as they do) Fueling the machine is not enough. There is a residual effect in all we do. Yesterday saw it's end with me is a low state of tolerance. The usual dull ringing in my ears was quite noticeable louder and still is. The condition (tinnitus) is a bane to many, however I embrace it as a useful tool. It's telling me I need to let go and relax. Easier said than done when the will inside me has grown so strong.

The acknowledgement from last post to now makes the doing so, somewhat more comfortable. An act of accountability through recognizing (catching) pent up and or negatively charged energy/emotion. A useful disempowering/empowering method through making acknowledgement when inertia carries us beyond our control. That my friend is my first example of controlling a transition. My therapist recently passed on to me a very useful acronym → NNA Notice it, Name it, Alter it.


Another example of Transitioning: Making Life easier.
It's probably a no brainier for many which actually highlights just how often many of us end up allowing "TIME" to dictate our lives.

Ring ring - ring ring ... "Hello?"
.............................."Hi Dad, would you mind coming pick the little one?"

NOTE* ... There are variables which can make this example easier or harder from one time to the next, but the basis is very much the same. I'll set the context which can be likened to that of any individual who's just made a life changing decision that involves personal conflict and challenges ahead.

Example:
Given my daughter had then not long return from an abusive relationship and the toddler was very clingy, I make a few suggestions to sell the power of transition. Thankfully we all agree. I arrive to pick mum and the little one up. Despite having a very close relationship with both daughter and grandson, the little ones state was as I thought - quite withdrawn and very clingy. (Do please bear in mind the day to day similarities as this applies to ones life as I write this as much for myself) With that we drive around for about 40 minutes until the little fella is then asleep. I drop mum back off at her home and head out of town for another 30. Along the way I play some peaceful vibes. I had previously trained the little ones mind to well receive. When I pull up in my drive way, there I sit for another 20 minutes at which point the little one then began to rise. It was a well needed quality rest. Now the little one was able to embrace. I was eager to be taking him in, however knew the circumstances still required a smooth touch. I pick him up and transfer him slowly from the car by gently placing him on his feet while I bend my knee and greet him with a huge warm smile.

So far all is well, the energy is good. Now distracted with the sensory experience of the bush the little one moves while I shut the car door. Holding his hand and speaking gently with loads of love and compassion we make our way up the house ramp. The little one now taking in every step and meeting my gazes with wonderment and anticipation for whatever comes next ... NANNA! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/hug/tackle.gif
__________________________________________________ _____________________

Summery:
The little one is to me a representation of myself. The handling of the transition is based on learned experience that seeks not to resist but path the way. Forgiveness, Love and Compassion are terms often spoken about in recovery books. It is no different for those us who are seeking to overcome the addiction to food and regain control over our weight. I've never spoken like this in the past re my other weight loss attempts. I've also never been able to sustain a healthy weight.

I've only just scratched the surface with the power of transition. For now I believe I have reached the scope of my morning post. I have a few things lined up for the day, however it is a restful one. I have the time to later write. I hope this tone sets for an easier read than that of my last post. Being kind to self is a huge part to the way we write and hold ourselves; how we evolve. There is a lot of purging in the early stages of undertaking such a journey to go from Obesity to Living Free.

Writing in here and weaving it like so helps me to notice the things that make a difference, so that I can then name them in a way that counts; which then allows me to alter what I must.

So having now further embedded that acronym NNA - I bid oneself a good day ... or at least until my next post. ;)

... ... The Power is Within You ... ...

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/The-Transition_zpsxfojyllj.png
... ... You only need accept it,
... ... & it will show you the way.

[needtogetwell]

Hi Dave,
This post really hit home. Transitions....wow am I ever in a big one!

The NNA, that too speaks to me.

Seems time has lost all meaning to me. One minute it's 5pm next thing I know it's after 10. Didn't do anything, didn't sleep, poof! It was gone!

I suppose grief makes you internalize everything. 35 days today he has been gone. I can't believe it. I don't even remember the last 35 days. I guess it's a good thing I write to Scott every day. At some point I will look back on those 200+ pages to date and maybe recollect something.

Thanks for a really good read!
Cheers
Pam

[Ponder]

Hi Pam. 200 pages – Now that’s saying something! : )

Whatever the process of grief, It must be felt so that whatever we do take on board; will in the end help us find meaning. From my experience on the park bench, “Time Stopping/Slowed Time” is a critical moment that cannot be measured but only sensed. It’s a point in which those most painful feelings can only be felt.

I don’t want to make this about me. I do however want to support and encourage you whilst you endure like so. I have often sort to capture in most of my poems, those moments when time was very much an endless state. Time has since lost the significance it once had on me, as I now yearn more for moments with no beginning or end. I smile to think of that great claim → “I AM THE ALPHA & OMEGA!” What matters most to me; is the power between. (within)

So on that note Pam – Internalize as you must. This world has been seeking externally for far too long and could do with a major dose of self-reflection. Ideals have a way of disintegrating once felt for long enough.

[Ponder]

Enlightening video that lead me to an interesting book that one of my favorite authors (Tolle) endorses. Click → "Loving What Is (http://www.amazon.com/Loving-What-Is-Questions-Change/dp/1400045371) - by Byron Katie with Stephen Mitchell."


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjjAz5fZhX4






Think I will look into this:


http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/lovingwhatis_zpslpwu2dec.jpg -- http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Loving%20what%20is_zpstg0wktgm.jpg

[Ponder]

I felt like a sponge listening to this lady. Looking forward to taking more of her in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0F-QpYtCW0Q&list=PLB2DFDF228CFBD609
Clearly I have been chasing my tail? ... She gives new meaning to the term non-believer. I love it.

[jessed03]

I felt like a sponge listening to this lady. Looking forward to taking more of her in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0F-QpYtCW0Q&list=PLB2DFDF228CFBD609
Clearly I have been chasing my tail? ... She gives new meaning to the term non-believer. I love it.

She has a really nice quote.

“It's not your job to like me - it's mine”

[Ponder]

What do you think your doing coming in here and messing the place up with unnecessary quotes! You be talking about Byrone Katie by any chance? http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/angry-fist-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Hi Jesse, thanks for popping in. That quote really sinks in after you repeat it enough times. I thought it was funny after hearing someone quote Ekchart Tolle "Byrone Katie is radical." Imaging Tolle coming out with that. This lady seems like Ekchart would be on DMT. I figure people will either think she is insane or a genius. Given I have no problem with either, I conclude both. :)


May I inquire ... How you been? What you been up to Jesse?

PS ... thanks for that quote, I'm going to be using that quite a bit.Cheers.

[jessed03]

Haha, yeah, I'm a bit of a quote lover really. I like writing down little snippets of wisdom so I can read them again when needed. That one is definitely from the lips of Miss Katie.

I hadn't heard of her until you posted that vid. I like watching people like her, Moojie, Tolle, though. It feels like a meditation. There's something so calming about them. I guess they really have found so much peace it seems to ooze out of them.

I've just been navigating a bad sleep pattern really. Seems to turn me into a bit of a zombie. I'm having some bloods done at the end of this month, we'll see if there's anything physical messing me up.

I want to post another BK quote I really like, that I think would help many on this forum, especially those in the General Section. If ya'll ever wander into this thread, take a read of this!

“How do you react when you think you need people's love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can't bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren't, and then when they say "I love you," you can't believe it, because they're loving a facade. They're loving someone who doesn't even exist, the person you're pretending to be. It's difficult to seek other people's love. It's deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.”

Hope you're well, dude. :)

[Ponder]

Forgive the spasmodic replies this morning - I was so intrigued with Byron Katie that it was my wife that influenced me to get some sleep. I just wanted to make a note how my mind lingers on the notion of duality fading away once such awakening takes place. I have heard this a few times. Awaking itself is a conundrum at the best of times, however this notion of non-duality requires that I soak if for a while. Then perhaps I can better digest. Seems a lot of religious and patriot/political types are quite threatened by the concept. Found some interesting sites that speak out against non-duality. It's interesting reading both sides.

Both sides when viewed as wrong or right are themselves a dual at any rate. I do like concept of how such both black and white fade when coming to see - I also note (was fleeting and now gone - hmmmmmm?) ... Doh ... Some time spiritualists will state that .... hmmmm ... that we in fact need positive and negative in order to move ... something like that ... but I am sure the concepts is not about being right or wrong. People so often talk about the grey, yet quicker to live by left or right.

I don't know ... just thinking out loud yet again, or as Katie would say ... Inquiring.

Anyways - not enough time for this post as my wife is calling out to prep for the morning markets.

Catch up with you guys soon.
Have a good one at any rate.

[jessed03]

P.s. It's good to see the emojis back again. Brings me back to when you first joined the forum!

[Ponder]

Seems I missed you reply as I made my last post and ran. Thanks for sharing that Jesse. I can see how that would apply in the general. It's pleasing to hear your like those speakers as you do. I often read many comments how others also find a meditative effects when listening to such peaceful and free speaking teachers. I find tone effects me so much that the voice of self hypnosis practitioners often make a break a session for me. I guess that's why when I hear the public media such as the news, radio or even reading a paper, I pretty much feel sick.

I hope your able to sort out the sleep issues. Do you get much UV where you live? There are some places on the planet that lack UV despite that sun shining most of the day. If the UV content is right where you live, are you getting much sun? I guess your on top of your diet, given your going for blood tests and all. It really sucks when not being able to drop off. I recently went big time into sleep researching.

I have a couple of files I converted - both word docs and mobi. I actually spent a bit of time getting the covers right for my kindle. I have other sources I opened online as well. Your welcome to PM. No longer have FB ... is better that way for me. I found it as positive as the news.

Please do keep quoting away ... thanks again for that share. So True.

Edit - almost forgot → http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hobbies/meditation-smiley-emoticon.gif

[JohnC]

Hi Guy's and Gals for some reason the forum is not giving me emails and heads up for any threads wth. I hope all of you are doing the best you can. Peace all and i will catch up soon

[Ponder]

Hi John, great to see you if even only fleeting. The example you give with email, is why I prefer to follow up manually. Yes, I am well thank you. Wishing the same for you and yours.

[needtogetwell]

I've decided that "grief attacks" are probably the worst part of this grieving process. Now, 37 days later I can get on for periods of time without melting down, but then out of the blue, WHAM! It completely engulfs you.

I'm learning that these attacks can come out of nowhere and act up in the strangest of places. One of today's attacks happened in a craft store I was in. Looking at the scrap booking stickers and all of a sudden it was complete waterworks! The other customers around me must have thought I was completely out of my mind. Well yes, actually I was! But as quickly and as violently as I came on it subsided, and I felt better for the tears.

I have no idea when or if these attacks will stop, one part of me hopes they don't. They are just a reminder of how deep the love between us is.

So, that's it for me. Thanks for the space to unload my brain.

Good to see you John, been wondering how you have been doing.

Dave, keep well. You seem to be doing something right, your writing is once again outstanding.

Cheers all!

[Ponder]

PM - Use this space as much as you need. All I can say, is that you need to feel what comes. Totally understandable. I know it's easy for me to say, but in now way should you feel embarrassed or ashamed in anyway for the grief you are going through. Only by releasing our grip can we hope to regain control during those moments when our mind and body decide they need what we have not yet given. For me of late, this is more rest and space as I may fail to ignore and or push a little hard. I'm not saying it is the same, but I do think there are similarities to space and time with regard to transition.

I get that it comes from out of the blue - I think it's actually a good sign. Some people live in denial for a very long time. Most in denial before the event, but some also long after the fact has come on gone. The fact that you can share as you do is testament that you are feeling as you must. Again, I think its a good sign. Try not to see it as some kind of limiting thing.
_________________

Srry I can not find more worthy words to say ... I had a very taxing day of activity.

Wishing you well Pam. Thanks for the kind words.

Night Guys. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Morning guys. Hope your feeling a little better today Pam. Was not sure what to say last night as I was fairly depleted from walking 26km that day among other activities. I had not long just go back from my evening walk. Anyways, I am glad I manage to say something as opposed to not.
____________________________________________

I came to see them not as attacks. (feelings come I "try not to see them as attacks" - perception is everything)

Now it is morning and I can better say - For me ... when my brother was found dead and the tragic sadness & frustration I felt in with regard to his life lived and the way he met his end ... the following is what I have come to make from that process of grief:

The more I allowed myself to experience the sudden onset of intense emotion as they came → the less I saw such as attacks. The more I cried without care for where I was or who was around, the more I was able to comfort myself. In that point I was totally alone! It was where I came to see that despite all those others still alive; that all any of us really have is what we see inside.

It was only through that lived experience "of giving in" to that sudden onset of pain, that I was only then able to see that there was in fact NOTHING IN THE BOX when my brother died. There never is when one looks. When he died - So did I ... Perhaps not all of me, but I can say got that part that did; it is now free. I find some level comfort in that.

Of course it's not all as neat as my words try to convey. If there is a lesson to be learned, make it not from identifying with the process of attack, but more about what takes place as its experienced. The letting go and giving in. The the shift, the awakening from this dream in which we suffer so needlessly ... that landscape of many of these authors and teachers aim to discuss.
______________________________________________

Please do not see them as attacks. Easy for me to say I know. I would like to write more about this, as allows me to continue grieving myself ... to awake from this uncomfortable dream and allow myself to simply be as opposed to living in fear of Edit → The condition of humanity and more importantly ... myself.
I relly don't know Pam ... but I do feel it's these times in our lives where we can be free regardless of still existing in such a fragile form.

Right now, I question how hard I push ... it's all relavent to my other thread.

I got go ... I hope so of this makes sense. I fear many see me as much a fluit loop as much as I was saw many of the spiritual teachers when I first read. I've been at it a while now with the reading and seeking (inquiring) ... It's that lettering go with the life experience (not attacks) that is helping as much as what I have read. The text does not do it, only we can. No doubt though ... is good we can find hope in others.

Trust ... a huge issue for many in here.


Srry ... got to go ... wish I could stay. Thank You for this opportunity.

I am here.

[Ponder]

_______
Recharge in Process:

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/761/22514085085_a2e72431b1_o.jpg

[needtogetwell]

Hi Dave,

So I've been "hiding under my rock" for a couple of days.

Actually the periods of intense grief are letting up somewhat. 40 days in I should hope I am starting to reconcile life without Scott.

The strangest things bring me to tears. Walking into my favourite home decorating store has me weak in the knees. For about the first week or so I was on there regularly. At that point it seemed like a good distraction, and it was. Now when o go in there, it triggers the intense grief I was feeling at the time and I get overwhelmed. Funny how what was once a comfort turns into a trigger.

All forms of Pizza, and Chinese food. These were Scotts favourites, and the only things he would ask for when swallowing started to become an issue. I can't tell you the number of pizzas I threw out because he would take one or two bites and the swallowing and hiccups would make eating any more impossible. Yes, pizza is a trigger. Was walking in a supermarket with my mother a couple of days ago and walking down the frozen pizza aisle brought me to tears.

I don't know, am I progressing, maybe, there is so much to process. Sometimes I think the best forward movement I make is when I just stop, sit in his chair and just be. Sometimes I fall asleep sometimes I don't. I think my frenzied first few weeks of throwing out crap was a bit of an effort not to deal with the extreme heartache and loneliness. I have toned down the throwing crap out a bit, but there is still so much that has to go! I can't even bring myself to look at any of his things yet. That will be a project and a half all on its own.

I did mention that I'm writing a lot. I seem to be doing more and more stream of consciousness writing within the letters I write to him. It's kind of amazing how much crap you can dump out of your brain with that style of writing.

One of the things I have realized through this writing is some of the things that I am missing from my life. One of those things is playing the piano. I pretty much gave it up 35 years ago when the family moved here from Montreal, I was fairly accomplished at 15, since I was playing since I was 4. At that time playing held little joy, it was essentially forced torture my parents imposed on me, the hours a day of practice is not something an ADHD kid or teenager wants to do. I think now I am at a place in my life that playing simply for the fun of it could be a very good source of joy and contentment. Saw a keyboard at Costco for just under $200 so when and if I ever see any money I'm going to buy myself one.

Anyway Dave, that's it for me right now, still on my quest to figure out life and how I fit in without Scott.

I hope you and Lisa are keeping well.
Cheers!

[Ponder]

It does sound to me as though your are making ground with the writing Pam. The keyboard idea sound really in sync with the whole writing concept. I have tried my hand at a few musical instruments. I played mostly guitar, however I get too methodical with it and it soon becomes a chore.
My sister used to play a keyboard. I was impressed with the number of beats one could play along too. She had one that could light up the keys is some teaching mode as well. I think there are also some programs online that can be downloaded to assist. Sounds like fun actually. Just thinking about now, I can only agree that it would make for a healthy distraction. I hope your able to find the means soon.

I have a harmonica somewhere. I like how small it is, however I get very conscious not being able to lower it's volume when learning. As well as that, I've moved away from playing cultural music. Any form of music that relates to ideals, religion, patriotic, pop, (even rock) ... hmmmm basically anything that's historical or in many cases has words that go with ... well it makes me feel like I am clinging to a world that I want nothing to do with. It's another part of the radio I do not like ...

BUT - having said that Pam ... a flute has much to offer me. YEA - I have thought about that once before.

Anyways --- I do so hope that your able to soon acquire the means and that you will soon have your keyboard and able to play the stuff that you like.
__________________________________________________ _____

I really like the topic of Stream of consciousness: In fact, I think I am going to drop my weight loss thread. I said it once before, but then gave it another go. Fact is ... I seem to let myself flow much easier in here. I did a quick skim on the subject, and I have a natural flow for such a narrative ... especially when it comes to talking to self. Sometimes I think hitting out with my pc's keyboard, is akin to my sister playing her piano.

____________________________

In a lot of pain ... got a bad onset of hemorrhoids. Too much exercise, out of sync hydration, movements, reintroduction of salt and possibly a few other things I am going to have to read up on. Getting old is an art.

I think I will regress back into this thread and see how long that lasts.

Keep writing Pam ... and please do post about the keyboard. Have you got a link to it?

Doh! I wish I could sit ... getting real tired having to stand :(

[Im-Suffering]

Hi Dave,

So I've been "hiding under my rock" for a couple of days.

Actually the periods of intense grief are letting up somewhat. 40 days in I should hope I am starting to reconcile life without Scott.

The strangest things bring me to tears. Walking into my favourite home decorating store has me weak in the knees. For about the first week or so I was on there regularly. At that point it seemed like a good distraction, and it was. Now when o go in there, it triggers the intense grief I was feeling at the time and I get overwhelmed. Funny how what was once a comfort turns into a trigger.

All forms of Pizza, and Chinese food. These were Scotts favourites, and the only things he would ask for when swallowing started to become an issue. I can't tell you the number of pizzas I threw out because he would take one or two bites and the swallowing and hiccups would make eating any more impossible. Yes, pizza is a trigger. Was walking in a supermarket with my mother a couple of days ago and walking down the frozen pizza aisle brought me to tears.

I don't know, am I progressing, maybe, there is so much to process. Sometimes I think the best forward movement I make is when I just stop, sit in his chair and just be. Sometimes I fall asleep sometimes I don't. I think my frenzied first few weeks of throwing out crap was a bit of an effort not to deal with the extreme heartache and loneliness. I have toned down the throwing crap out a bit, but there is still so much that has to go! I can't even bring myself to look at any of his things yet. That will be a project and a half all on its own.

I did mention that I'm writing a lot. I seem to be doing more and more stream of consciousness writing within the letters I write to him. It's kind of amazing how much crap you can dump out of your brain with that style of writing.

One of the things I have realized through this writing is some of the things that I am missing from my life. One of those things is playing the piano. I pretty much gave it up 35 years ago when the family moved here from Montreal, I was fairly accomplished at 15, since I was playing since I was 4. At that time playing held little joy, it was essentially forced torture my parents imposed on me, the hours a day of practice is not something an ADHD kid or teenager wants to do. I think now I am at a place in my life that playing simply for the fun of it could be a very good source of joy and contentment. Saw a keyboard at Costco for just under $200 so when and if I ever see any money I'm going to buy myself one.

Anyway Dave, that's it for me right now, still on my quest to figure out life and how I fit in without Scott.

I hope you and Lisa are keeping well.
Cheers!

It really is true that when one door closes another opens. But there is a twist, the new door is utterly based on expectations. Its not luck or seeing what the universe throws your way.

Pam, I stopped in to wish you well, and to say I am still sending my (good) energy your way. And I have found Dave with a bad case of hemorrhoids !

Dave, pick up a bottle of Colace, or Miralax, which does not make you shit (not stimulant), but adds water to the stools, easier to pass allowing the roids time to heal. Look up the active ingredient (Docusate)and find similar product OTC in AU if they dont sell this exact product.

Pam:

Now, knowing in my life there were big changes as well (you know what I recently faced), I found that the triggers are not there to lament, but to focus my attention on what was required to grieve properly and heal. The triggers are there to make you ready, so to speak, for the life ahead that you still have yet to live. You will move into this new life, where hope, dreams, desires, and fulfillment awaits, you are already envisioning certain pleasures you may have given up long ago, and facing the beliefs that stopped you from actualizing them, such as the piano, and the associated negative beliefs from childhood, being forced to practice and such. You can decide, 'i will play the piano because I love it, and feel good'. The old associated beliefs will no longer have a psychological impact.

Each pizza trigger, or whatever it may be can be thought of as 'this is something i am asking myself to move past, because I am readying myself for a new life, new experiences, and enrichment'.. you understand, if you find yourself in a new relationship, and he likes pizza, you see how you must solve this dilemma now, and the opportunities the triggers present. Its not of course the pizza itself, but what it represents, and so it reminds you there is work to do, not to sit in it, but to heal it.

I found myself one day crying, as usual, at the crumbling of my life, when an ever present energy stepped in, intruding in my thoughts to say, you are not crying for the sake of it, but to clear and heal what you need to, move the debris out of the road. Triggers are not to make me crazy with sorrow, but to look into myself and prepare the way for my expectations, my future (the triggers acting as the impetus or catalyst for positive change and self growth). There was the Pam with Scott, and now you must prepare the Pam for the future, through love and an open heart which must be a conscious decision, 'I will keep my heart open'.

My greatest wish for you is that you keep your heart open! Because the heart is the door to dreams.

Scott knows of your probable futures, he I believe is aware of all of your probable realities, futures, or a much bigger picture. Say when you make a left turn, you are not conscious always of all three probabilities, left right and straight ahead, where each will lead you if you choose that option, you just make the left. Scott can see it all now, and by triggering and releasing is helping to gently point the way toward your ultimate happiness (left, right, or straight), he has a hand in that. IMO

I send all the love I can give in the world your way.

Scott is nudging you down a path where even a greater love awaits, you understand? And he knows the healing that must first take place my dear.

Marc

And you know what? This message board has never been about anxiety, but a place for those who shut their hearts to come and have it opened again. Those that succeeded have a life, where all limitations can be lifted through the magic of love. Once the heart is open, love has a chance to move in and work miracles in their personal lives (Dave). Love is greater than fear. Fear is the motive to return to love, when love turns inside out because of childhood conditioning, false beliefs or traumatic experiences. Fear is the feeling that we have separated or shut down, that creates a yearning to return home.

[Im-Suffering]

Continued for a moment, Its important to recognize the 'kind' of love we express and feel is filtered through what we were shown or 'taught' IS love as children. Thus we have a distorted version that is not pure and true. Whatever limitations we feel, what strips us of freedoms is that twisted version, expressed in such emotions as fear, anger, aggression, rage, jealousy, abuse. War - in the name of love, killing.

So when we 'feel' love or even the loss of love, or express love, we must examine the beliefs behind such feelings, only in such a way can we expose the false ideas and conditioning that ultimately color our interpretation of it and our first hand experience.

Greater and greater does love climb, with each successive love we release some of those restraints, and that is why I say there are brighter and greater loves ahead on our journey's. Just when you say ' there goes the love of my life' does an even greater love enter it, you see. And only through some degree of 'temporary' loss, you understand. Which 'forces our hand' in such a way as to 'grow a bigger heart' and thus be open to receiving in equal measure.

When one says, as many, many do 'Mom and dad were abusive to me, but they loved me' then we accept an adulterated version of the ultimate truth, where self worth is crushed under the weight of a broken heart, filled with bewilderment and anxiety, most of all.

I am writing this post not so much to fit in with the topic of the thread, but just generally that maybe some future person will take notice (to understand his/her anxiety). Im not around too much here anymore, maybe thats a good thing as I have too much to say !

[needtogetwell]

Nice to see you back Marc, even if it is fleeting.

You make a lot of great points, many of which I am coming to realize as I make my way on this journey. You are right, I do believe Scott is with me and is nudging me in the right direction. It's a slow process but I don't have anything but time. To rush it would be to sell myself short.

[Ponder]

Love the avatar Pam. :)

Hi Marc - It is good to see you again. You can say all you need here. I hope your able to feel comfortable sharing in here if ever the need should arise, or if and when your more inclined. The only people that make this thread are those that comment in it, it's only a bonus if others reap something of worth from it. Thanks for the advice, much appreciated. I am abstaining from food and using Epsom Salts. I am feeling much better at this stage, although craving somewhat. Just got to make sure I drink a LOT of water with the use of Epson salts and fasting. I'm pretty sure it was the dumbbell workouts I was doing and intense walking sessions. I've also considered a number of other factors, but won't bore you guys with those details.

You did make me think on something else though.

My perception with what I share and how easily I do it, is not that personal to me. Perhaps that in itself might be a short coming for me? (I get you meaning was more encouraging - just made me think was all) Pros and Cons to be sure, but I really don't care to look into the futility of it, unless I loose my footing as it happens type thing. I only wish more people would open up. Such an evolution would make the rest of us look less like fruit loops and more like just another wall of text on the world wide web. Text in the breeze, is how I see it.

I'm needy I guess - although I don't tend to look at it in a negative way. It is good to be read ... I just try not to place any expectation on it. It's not so much the lack of response in the other thread, but more the theme and relevance that makes one question what's best for me. I am feeling a little withdrawn from all the physical pushing and as a result less tolerant and more vulnerable. I like how I have made this place like a home in which I for the most part feel safe.

It's without a doubt that you guys play a large roll in that. I am truly thankful that the many of you have been so patient with me. You guys have been very understanding where others are typically not. TY.
__________________________________________________ _______________________

Last couple of days have been very stressful indeed. Although I am craving in the early stages of this water fast, the feeling of an empty and flat tummy is quite relieving. This time I employ the act for the much needed healing. I now see the years of bloating since my gall bladder removal has seen me constipated for years. As well as addressing gut issues, I'm interesting in researching the more natural colon cleansing methods that abound. LOL - Not personal to me ... I only wish more people fessed up and reached out more with regards to this kind of thing. Amazing how people are scared to talk about this and that. If I knew what I do now only years ago ... Sigh ... yea yea.

o oh ... The Epsom is doing its thing.

Adios ;)

PS - good advice re the roids. (healing vs pushing) Thanks again Marc.

[Ponder]

It has been a while since watching netflix. We don't get much of a selection here in Australia. What is available I find very consumerist and ZZZZZZZZzzzzz.

BUT - I was very impressed with the latest Environmental Documentary which reminded me of the Zeitgeist Series Presentation.

I found it be as inspiring as it was, and is; challenging:

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/63a6921d-ef22-4bca-88bd-23030bd71b12_zps1yq2lbwl.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV04zyfLyN4)

If you don't mind the low resolution and subs, you can watch the full documentary here → NOT FOR SALE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Qhbso9UQ_E)

[Ponder]

That doco certainly puts to bed many of the comebacks re the worlds issue. It explains very well the one thing mankind can do regardless of giving into the population woes and thereafter that GMO excuse. The numbers crunched in this series spell out just how insane it really is to continue as we do.

I loved how it was pointed out ... that the food used to feed livestock in 3rd world countries, could if taken from the mouths of factory animals, be used to feed the local starving children. Instead the animals are slaughtered and sent overseas to feed the more wealthy who complain about the world being over populated while they chew. The paleo way is hindered by the space it takes to sustain the meat - 10 million humans back in the paleo day VS several billion ... land and animal stats are as diminished. In that respect, I say without offense ... that Paleo is as much the kiss of death. :)

The water consumption, land clearance and many other stats in that doco really drives home some hard core points. Addiction and how controversy seeks to control current values systems is a strong current in said film. I think the pinacle given the subject matter - Man, animal and food. Just how far we a prepared to go, see so many suffer and for what? Greed, Power, Control, Rights, etc ...

Another antidote/example was the liken to how people ignore the core of abuse and wonder why we suffer like so. Just say a few prayers and send the enforcers in.

Interesting stuff ... Challenging ... just what I needed ... a new perspective to help keep me balanced. Of course not everyone's cup of tea.

Each to their own. I have a new found respect for Vegan folk. That's for sure!

Night Night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

PS - The beginning of the doco cracked me up and helped me to better see why and where all the doom and gloom comes from. Retailed more than I ever thought. They expose well how many environmental groups fall by the way side in the face of ... dare I say it yet again ... "Our current Values Systems"

[needtogetwell]

Hi Dave,

Well the remains of that massive hurricane that slammed Mexico has made its way north and east and it's been cold and very wet for 2 days, not doing any favours for me knees I can tell you.

Thanks for the kind words on the avatar, first selfie that actually looks like me. You will notice the glasses on my head, that I suppose is now my trademark. Can't see a damned thing to read without them! Oh the joys of getting old! Tried those prescription glasses that are kind of like bifocals, can't for the life of me remember the name of them, but I couldn't get the hang of them. I felt like a bloody bobble head doll trying to figure out where to look so I could see. Yup, not for me' .

So today marks 6 weeks without Scott . Where the hell did 42 days go? I have no idea. Today also marks a new phase in my quest to rid myself of many of the things that have been cluttering my life. The giant rubbish bin is being delivered today and will sit on my driveway for a week as a testament to my efforts to rid myself of all that unnecessary clutter that is fogging my mind and spirit. I have already done quite a bit, my garage is full of stuff that needs to go. There is an amazing amount which will be donated, that goes November 3rd, thankfully there is an organization that will pick up the stuff, I just hope their truck is big enough.

I'll keep you posted as to how I get on and the feelings of liberation I encounter. In kind of likening this to your water fast, a way to reset the mind and spirit.

If I get a chance to watch the documentary you posted I will, you know I essentially eat a Paleo diet, so I will be interested to see if any of my thoughts on this change at all. All I do know is I feel better eating this way. But like you said, to each his own. I'm always open to different perspectives.

Ok, I'm getting to the point where autocorrect is going to do strange things to my words since I can no longer see what I'm typing, the joys of using the iPhone all the time.

Be well my friend, and don't forget to give Lisa a hug and a kiss, tell her how important she is to you.

42 days without my love have been an eternal hell.

Cheers!

[Im-Suffering]

Hi Dave,

Well the remains of that massive hurricane that slammed Mexico has made its way north and east and it's been cold and very wet for 2 days, not doing any favours for me knees I can tell you.

Thanks for the kind words on the avatar, first selfie that actually looks like me. You will notice the glasses on my head, that I suppose is now my trademark. Can't see a damned thing to read without them! Oh the joys of getting old! Tried those prescription glasses that are kind of like bifocals, can't for the life of me remember the name of them, but I couldn't get the hang of them. I felt like a bloody bobble head doll trying to figure out where to look so I could see. Yup, not for me' .

So today marks 6 weeks without Scott . Where the hell did 42 days go? I have no idea. Today also marks a new phase in my quest to rid myself of many of the things that have been cluttering my life. The giant rubbish bin is being delivered today and will sit on my driveway for a week as a testament to my efforts to rid myself of all that unnecessary clutter that is fogging my mind and spirit. I have already done quite a bit, my garage is full of stuff that needs to go. There is an amazing amount which will be donated, that goes November 3rd, thankfully there is an organization that will pick up the stuff, I just hope their truck is big enough.

I'll keep you posted as to how I get on and the feelings of liberation I encounter. In kind of likening this to your water fast, a way to reset the mind and spirit.

If I get a chance to watch the documentary you posted I will, you know I essentially eat a Paleo diet, so I will be interested to see if any of my thoughts on this change at all. All I do know is I feel better eating this way. But like you said, to each his own. I'm always open to different perspectives.

Ok, I'm getting to the point where autocorrect is going to do strange things to my words since I can no longer see what I'm typing, the joys of using the iPhone all the time.

Be well my friend, and don't forget to give Lisa a hug and a kiss, tell her how important she is to you.

42 days without my love have been an eternal hell.

Cheers!

Hi sweetheart :) Good to see you ! (pic)

Keep the hope, and watch for the light (of the way) - through inspiration, stray thoughts that seem to make no sense or fit in with the current frame of mind. Act on some with courage just enough to get your feet wet.

I am doing the same. We are warriors, really. Throughout this often difficult journey. But love, even for short bursts makes it all worth while. Better to love and lost (many times even) than never to have loved at all. Or so I have heard ! I have had much experience with loss, and also the new love that seems to always follow. I do believe in love.

Hi Dave, my brother. Love you man !

[Ponder]

Hey Guys! Great to see you both.

Like wise Brother - don't squeeze too hard. You now how sensitive I am of late. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/hug/exploding-hug.gif Hope your smiling?

Oh yes, I know Pam. I still have that PDF (TY) ... that's why I put a smiley face when bringing up the kiss of death. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/4th-july/smiley-at-a-bbq.gif

I'm off for a walk - Just posted about my second day into water fasting. Hoping to break through the the third day [tomorrow] into that night and wake up on day 4 still on water.

Will be back later to respond and update then.

Hope you are all resting well.

[Ponder]

Pam I have read it all ... but not in a good place to reply as of yet. I like your perceptions very much. I have nothing but warm wishes for your current situation and admiration for the way in which you so aptly hold your position. I have to say that from my end, your courage and wisdom is very much appreciated.

Thanks for keeping us in the loop. I think I am starting to go the same way re the glasses. :)

We are thinking of you this day.

[needtogetwell]

Just thought I would share a pic of the dumpster in the driveway. Have had some very freeing catharsis while getting the trash from the garage into the bin. Will elaborate tomorrow.

Thanks Marc for the encouragement.

Dave, will be back at you in the morning....brain is fuzzy now.

[Im-Suffering]

Especially in times of pain and suffering, but generally speaking too -

(there are a number of marc's, the outer who is often afraid, and the inner who is about to write the following post. Its really not channeling after all, is it? Its just me- lol. I think my tenure here has been to realize that me is 'ok', but while I did not like who I was, I used a shield, like channeling or whatever, to describe my inner thoughts)

Its very important to follow intuition or gut feelings, and not reason alone. Reason is the tool for intuition. Say you have a gut feeling to paint, following the hunch which comes out of the blue, reason is then applied "i need to buy a brush and canvas, paint colors". Then when you begin to paint, intuition begins to sketch a dream while reason is used to apply what you may have studied in regard to saturation or blending. So we can see our lives are created by our inner self, using the intellect for practical application in the physical. Reason alone is physically focused and is the lens in which inner self sees the physical, colored by beliefs.

If intuition says 'paint' through a hunch which is always therapeutic, but intellect or ego says 'you cannot do this" or whatever false belief it comes up with, than the magic of life is tempered, and you dont get the benefit of the spiritual worlds knowing in your life.

So in a post yesterday, I said to follow intuition, then listen to the opposition that comes up, in the form of mental conflicts from the ego. The conflict arises to show you what the triggers are, that once healed leads to expression of heaven in the physical. Expression of heaven is simply the unfettered application of the spiritual in the physical world, the manifestation of inner selfs desires using an ego to create that (mental idea) in 3D. By healing the ego, and opening the heart consciously at first (say, over and over, 'My heart is open to receive), ego and inner self work in tandem, and magic is created.

I will keep trying to give you all information I have learned and experienced. As I receive and have received the same from you. TY !

I have found there is an outer Marc, and an inner one. The outer is afraid sometimes, anxious, reluctant, plus more, while the inner is where words like this post come from, a calm stabilizing influence from a world that operates on terms and conditions much different than the physical. Maybe I am the last in line to learn all this, I am a straggler, lol. Its good for me to journal things out in the mornings.

[Im-Suffering]

Pam, you might be asking what all these posts have to do with you, and interestingly enough, they are directed at you.

Love is like money in many ways. It yearns by its very nature to be free. Set free not kept, loosened not tightened, allowed not restricted, even money in the bank that you perceive as 'saved' is indeed spent and turned over, your dollar deposited, will change hands millions of times. So you need to look at the energy of love and money, the 'shared' energy. Give this careful consideration and focus, using your imagination. The 'process' of acquiring (or poverty) love, and money, is identical.

Money is indeed, and I will test your beliefs here, (listen quickly to your first thoughts to discover the false belief), money is the physical equivalent of love energy. Since every emotion is contained within love, love is all there is, so is every emotion contained within money. Your love between Scott and yourself will soon manifest as money, do not hate it, love it, you must understand. It is highly symbolic of safety, security, which are characteristics of love.

I say all of this, because in death, in separation within the physical, love energy cannot be destroyed. This is physics, energy can transmute as in death (the form), but the love energy you take with you, the energy that shapes who you are in proportion to your ability to love, and let go. To the degree one cannot let go, there will always be turmoil within the self, as a trigger to release that which stands in the way of this eternal truth. Love symbolizes spiritual movement on the physical plane and is the fount of creation. People can create through fear and hate remember, because fear and hate are contained within love. hate is the feeling of separation from a loved object, and meant to mediate an agreement, to return to love. Letting love go, as with money (freeing it from limiting beliefs that stop the flow), means both will return to you ten fold.

Love cannot be conditioned, kept under key, stifled, stopped, from its travels, no matter how much you want to keep it. You must allow death and departure, when the soul is ready, because that soul is freeing the both of you, to explore what love truly represents. Which is utter freedom to love and love and love some more. To lament over lost love, which is inherently a false idea, means the self has growth to do, always toward freedom, knowledge, and enlightenment.

There is this purpose to life, to heal carried wounds throughout sojourns, to learn love's lessons, and to find joy in the natural processes of life - death - and renewal.

In the previous post I mentioned how to do this (to find meaning - and spiritual growth), in regard to intuition and its physical tool reason. Through trust in the process ultimately

[needtogetwell]

Hi Dave,
Hi Marc,

It's later in the day than I thought I would respond to yesterday's posts, some element of the universe is conspiring against me that day. Everything that should be easy, ie: phone calls to insurance companies and social security have been much more demanding than I thought. Then, once I got through the phone calls I dropped my spray bottle of vinegar on the floor and it split open, perfect, now the house smells like a pickle but the floor is clean. Ok, I'm looking for a positive in everything.

So yesterday, the exercise of putting that garbage in the bin was really freeing, much of the stuff was reminants of my relationship with my ex husband. I let go if the feeling that I still needed to look out for him. Yup, realized I don't. He's a 55 year old man and needs to look after himself. Much of why I remained in a terrible marriage for 13 ish years was out of a sense of obligation. I always felt sorry for him in some fashion. Well the truth is he has continually played on that. But the feelings are all gone. We split up 9 years ago and it is time for him to stand on his own two feet. I also need the freedom to know that I can explore any future relationships which may come my way.

Scott and I were together for 8 years, but in that time neither of us could have afforded to finalize our respective divorces. With the money coming to me I will have the ability to take my freedom back. No more carrying the ex on my benefits because without me he would have none. No more storing his business equipment in my garage, no more storing his pictures and other memorabilia in my basement. I need to be free.

This I think is one of the wonderful loving gifts that Scott will give me through his insurance. He loves me enough even in death to give me this most precious gift.

So yes, that was my epiphany for yesterday. I think Marc, you will realize that I'm really quite in tuned with what you are saying.

Dave, I hope you are in a better place today, we will catch up soon.

Got to go.
Cheers.

[Im-Suffering]

So now I know too why I wrote those 2 posts this morning.

My ex (still married) emailed and said she needs to talk with me after I was finished posting today. When she arrived she told me "Im going back to australia". Her mom is sick and needs care 87 yr old, but I believe in my heart its more to start a new life from what she calls 'home' without my energy, we live just a few minutes apart. I can reason that, but my fuckin heart is broken yet AGAIN. I said to her "but I may never see you again" and she said, that is a possibility. The lessons are so fierce im starting to think of checking out.

I did meet someone new who I do love a few weeks ago, but fuck if this doesnt spin my heart into chaos. It hurts so much.

Shit

Personal growth is a bitch-it sux ass.

Value the moments, the meaning of each one of them. Give the moment love, give it all you have. For God sake, be present.

[Ponder]

Just thought I would share a pic of the dumpster in the driveway. Have had some very freeing catharsis while getting the trash from the garage into the bin. Will elaborate tomorrow.

Thanks Marc for the encouragement.

Dave, will be back at you in the morning....brain is fuzzy now.

Just quoting because I don't have time to catch up with the other posts. Hi Marc ... I am glad you have been able to find the space to chat with us like so. I fully intend to read more of you and Pam when I get back from the Markets. I have to take things slow today (3day day of my water fast) I feel your sharing like so is as fruitful as Pam's post I quoted above.

Pam - This really pleased me to read like so. Well said.

Will be back ... had to rush this before heading out the door.

Lisa calling out.

[Ponder]

I see money as a form of self expression, but will never see it as love. Quite the opposite actually.

That's all I have to say about that.

I read it all Pam ... & Marc.

Thanks for the reads.

Saturday seem to be getting on since my last feed on Wed night. I kind of need to just focus on that for now.

Srry Guys.


I leave you guys to it. If I don't bust in these first 3 to 5 days, my energy may pick up along the way.

Perhaps I can then better focus then.


Take Care.
Dave.

[Im-Suffering]

I see money as a form of self expression, but will never see it as love. Quite the opposite actually.

That's all I have to say about that.

I read it all Pam ... & Marc.

Thanks for the reads.

Saturday seem to be getting on since my last feed on Wed night. I kind of need to just focus on that for now.

Srry Guys.


I leave you guys to it. If I don't bust in these first 3 to 5 days, my energy may pick up along the way.

Perhaps I can then better focus then.


Take Care.
Dave.

I dont know what your doing with your diet Dave, I havent read back posts in this thread, but you appear to be trying to cleanse your body, which i believe is symbolic of all these changes we are going through. Ive been crying the past 24 hours myself, yes Im a big sap inside beyond this hard exterior. And I guess thats what this crazy living gig is all about.

My heart has been closed for so many years. I wanted you to know that despite all these physical miles, or even days or months of silence, youve got a friend in me thats always sending you good energy that your life be filled with joy and peace. Ill always have your back and be your friend in that regard.

I dont know what is beyond the physical, but I do hope to build these feelings now, that we may carry them forward if thats possible, and be friends forever.

In an odd way that is comforting, because if I am able to exert my will, if my inner feelings matter in some sort of afterlife or the next, that in some way we will all meet again and be friends.

Of course im not giving up on this physical life. What if what we build upon now, carries on forever? Then there is really something concrete to hold onto, so we can look forward to each future with a safe network of good friends, and love. Knowing when we are born it is into a world where we are truly not alone and afraid.

Isnt that beautiful? Pam ? That not only will you meet Scott in an afterlife, but also in the next physical, where no matter where you are on earth, love will attract you to meet again. Maybe in passing in an elevator, maybe as a child in summer camp, where you dont know him physically, but something about him reminds you of home, makes you think you know this person, and so you speak and say hi, and from then on your life is made.

I know that does not console much this moment, where there is pain and longing, I am experiencing the same emotions. But somewhere deep inside there is that hope, even expectation.

Ive got to go for now, my feelings are overwhelming me. Ive met a beautiful soul whom ive fallen in love with, and on the other hand ive got a love, the ex, who is moving half way around the world. The past few months have held more meaning than my entire 50 years, and I feel like i am going to explode. I cant run from them, theres no where to go ! So I sit here in them, maybe i will find my way. Right now I dont know.

Because in each life if we indeed do meet again, then there will inevitably be some sort of loss each time, and that is sooooo hard. I think thats why i always found this living gig sad, since I was a young boy, because somewhere in my mind i remember all the previous losses in my lives, and maybe how hard some of my forthcoming lessons may be in this life. But even when the world seems to be crashing down, and im feeling ever so alone, by some miracle, someone shows up to love me. I find myself taking actions highly unusual and out of character, like joining a dating service or going to a place i would never think to go, and as if by magic, the universe brings me together with an old friend. And one of the first thing they say and feel is 'gee it feels like ive known you forever, you feel like home, comfortable'.

Talk soon

M

[needtogetwell]

For fear of being ridiculed, Marc, your passage about meeting in an elevator etc hits home closer than you have any idea.

Scott and I were such souls, neither of us ever had any doubt. He always said we were never meant to love or be together for a long time. Just repeatedly over the ages. Because of the uncanny relationship we had I whole heartedly believed it then and still do. Scott and I will be together again, of that I have no doubt.

If that makes me a fruit loop then so be it.

[MiST]

What on earth is a fruit loop? :eek:

[Ponder]

Well received Marc. My life style changes can be found in my Sig (re my other thread ... but no need) I am not only trying, but in fact "am" going through a very successful cleanse. That too is in my other thread.

4 days now with night 5 approaching with water only.

Once again, I have read you and Pam fully. I will respond as now I need to rest. I very much like the tone of what you have just offered up. Responding now would do it no justice, yet at the same time, I do not want to place too much pressure on myself for an in depth response. Will see how I feel later.

I am doing reasonably well Pam. I am glad you guys are able to keep relaying. I am reading and it's well received.

TY.

Great Post Marc. :)

[Dahila]

it is so good to read you guys. I had a terrible day today and you just calmed me down somehow...................... BP is up to the roof due the stressful day, of course
Have a good Sunday everyone

[Ponder]

Hi Dahila, I hope your feeling better?

Unfortunately not every relationship is built on love, or if is was, it often fades in the same way our body decays. Trials and tribulations have a way of sucking the life out of many couples and in the end, many cling on purely out of fear. Some still love each other, but struggle to find the energy and succumb to bickering which ultimately creates a cycle of feeding. Whilst I am sure this is the case for many, indeed ... I am writing about myself. Love is not at is always seems, especially the unconditional stuff. Best I can do is learn to love the spite ... my other half is falling into deep depression (and illness wearing her down) despite the healthy eating. I've been copping a lot of flack with regard to just how unwanted and unloved I am. You know the drill ... can't do anything right. Dynamics have once again changed with the return of son to the nest. So it is on both fronts that I am targeted as the retard once again. SIGH.

NO - I don't need thicker skin. Putting on Armour is the same as jumping in the ring. I will simply learn to navigate living under such a roof as I have always done. Love is never as it seems.

That rant now done.
__________________________________________________ __

I do love them very much, however coming to appreciate more the setting sun. I think Gandhi and or similar spiritual practices highlight more how we should love others just as we do our own family. That to do so requires detaching, letting go. I believe that until Society lets go of the Family Practice, that people in general will always remain segregated. A form of separatism within the nations boarders whilst it claims unity and patriot like status.

I do my best not to personalize these people walking about with their family and ideals. It is quite sad though. Embrace the sadness I know.

In that ... I do so while watching the sun, the wind and all things inhuman. Perhaps if I do that in the right spirit for long enough, I may be able to offer others hope. Regardless of status and money, It's not hard to see the fear in even those who think they know. People are quick to manifest their own expression and call it love and enrichment ... whilst millions of kids love in shit.

That's my view because I care enough to see beyond my own self interest. That's my path - I am content to accept what is and care less for the pretense of others ... however in saying that, I yearn for the simplicity not to care of what other think ... to dump the conditioning of such living, so that I may let all the pretension and hang ups of others run off like water off a ducks back, whilst sensitive enough for those less able to reach out ... those who've been reduced.

When I reach that level out in public ... I know how such attracts. That my friends is a hopeful path that gives me glimpses of compassion ... non judgmental looks with genuine like minded souls that connect. "Family Matters" is a cliche that needs to evolve.
______________________________________

Is what it is ... that is how I currently see. Learning to see ourselves in others through being kind to self. That way it matters not whether we meet up. (we may in fact never exist ... what we see and do now is what matters to me) I guess its just a case of sifting through the shit and adopting as one sifts. Better than a charitable payment that only serves to tolerate the corporations that feed the livestock instead of the kids.

People accept mostly due to addiction and hold their self interest above what they choose not to see. I AM NO BETTER.

To tired for final/polished edits (although I wearily tried) ... that's a wrap.

PS Still Water Fasting.

[Dahila]

I started to question love; was I ever loved, or they need me...........to help of course

[Ponder]

Dahila, I understand what your saying. It goes without saying that the connections shared over the last couple of years has provided a sense of relief, comfort, sensitivity and warm empathy resultant through commiserations and other forms of sharing. (I know this is why I keep coming back :) ) I regret my position with having to withdraw various forms of contact. On a brighter note, I can only encourage people to share in a depersonalized way.

I find doing so stems the fear of regret in as much as thinking of what others may think. The depersonalizing I attempt to do with focusing on the core aspects/feelings rather than the characterizing that typically goes into story books. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, but whilst it takes a little more effort to express like so ... it is very therapeutic and leads to less of the negative spin that can often result from commiseration that's unable to evolve.

If I could make a further attempt to clarify for myself. The rants I go on with serve no purpose if I'm unable to draw a conclusion that leaves me with an out. Moreover where that out leads is just as crucial to finding peace. Each time any of my rants find a door that leads to insight, compassion, understanding and ultimately peace, then I most likely reflected in an objective way, despite better experiencing and reflecting my subjective self. In many ways, I believe it's the only way that I can make any good out of the so called, objective look. Only then can I see, my true potential and what it is ... that I really want. edit → better said "finding what matters."

It goes on from there, as wants always change in the same way that nothing stays the same. In the end ridding myself of want is the door to sustainable peace.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

PEOPLE & DISTRUST ... Rejection, Abandonment, Abuse then Bitterness Sadness & Resentment are but a few of the experiences that everyone of us endure to varying degrees. The terms themselves fail to paint a reality in which we all see. The more they are labeled, the more people out of sync they be. Everyone then creates their own world in order that the suffering of others cannot be seen, but more so that their lives can be lived in ease. Only by addressing suffering in a sustainable way, that operates on no interests but that of others ... will this planet be able heal and present an opportunity for us all to reconnect with what really matters. (no need to profit from suffering - Fact → American Patriot Laws "Those who disrupt the profits of corporations will be found guilty of treason regardless if what they present is truth." Is what it is ... let's keep it real ... lets admit what our values systems really are, without fear of treason or becoming a terrorist.)

In hindsight, I now change my earlier quote of working out to "what I really want" to simply finding "What Matters."

No matter how each of us chooses to see ... I truly believe it's becoming more apparent at just what a complex and deceptive world we have created for ourselves. That we all struggle with addiction and greed. No need to go on about the economy as that value system speaks for itself, however coming to understand just how oppressive such a deceptive ideology and dogmatic society really is, helps to break the mold and embrace the stigma whilst one now flaps their wings. It helps to see what is, without the need to feed into it.

For me ... that does involve detaching from people. Especially those whom are joyfully stuck in the web. I don't mind shooting the breeze with butterflies. ... and I know there are many of us in here...even if we are still get caught up in webs.

To quote someone off Youtube "it is up to us to be the butterflies sending hurricanes in every direction." :)

Dahlia ... I hope you still have plenty of love left for the trees?

[MiST]

Just posting to get off of "999" post count..:cool:

Cheers..

[Ponder]

So what is my mindset when I cross the paths of others outside my house? Hmmmmmmm I'm still struggling but back to practicing with the smiling. (or a contented look - cheap smiles can sometimes make it worse) To be fair though, there is still an element of negative attraction that seems just out of my reach. In an attempt to focus less on the other person, I keep reminding myself it's more a reflection of myself. (or the space in between?) That seems to help. There is a residual effect from my previous experiences and all that surrounds me. (Eckhart Tolle speaks well of this in his book "The Power Of Now / or / "A new Earth"

I'll now take a break and let that perception take on whatever form, perhaps in my next post or not.

I find observing helps. Keeps me objective when objective matters. I note I see a lot of people running and walking very fast. This water fast has really helped me to slow my pace and see more of what matters. I ponder to think, how I could relate that in my other thread. Pushing Hard Vs Learning to eat & how that affects the connection of mind body and soul/spirit? Again, finding what matters.

Just leaving a note as when I next log in ... it may be worth reflecting on.

Take care guys.
Hope this finds you as well as can be.

[Ponder]

I put this in here as well ... because the truth is I am really pissed off. Looks like I might have to break the fast because of the metallic taste in my mouth:
__________________________________________________ _

cut and paste:

I'm a bit disappointed with the metallic taste in my mouth. I actually have a large number of amalgamated fillings. I received them during the 70's as a child. I actually attempted to take the issue up with the dental authorities some years ago, but they denied any issues and or responsibility.

It would seem I am stuck with heavy metal toxification - Being on a pension and having to care for my wife means I will unlikely be able to afford such removal measures. Sigh ... there is a loan every six months I can try. I figure I will be luck if that amount will be able to have two removed at a time. I do believe the system should be removing all amalgamated fillings for free.

Well ... now I have a few more things to keep a check on. I'm kind of both disgusted and depressed to almost giving up. :(
The taste is actually quite strong on my Silva, now approaching day six of this water fast. I seem to be able to smell and taste so much clear now. It feels like alfoil/aluminum foil when I put my tongue on the saliva coming off my teeth.

Just seems so pointless having gone to all this effort ... yet I know there have been huge benefits all the same. Perhaps I will just do get two or one pulled at a time over so many years with the damn pension loans. Whatever drove those idiots to fill the heads of kids with mercury fillings.

I've always known, but now the intensity at which I can taste it ... hmmmm ... I think it will be the thing that breaks my fast. Will have to just gauge and see how willing I am to mess and or experiment with such things.

:( :( :(

[Ponder]

Morning of DAY SIX:

I was more wrestles last night. I tried to accept the metallic taste in my mouth knowing the anxiety over it could alone impede my water fast. I drank sips to aid my dry mouth and continued to drift off and wake up four to five times. Upon rising in the morning I took a few larger sips to wash out my mouth. The metallic taste now indisputable. It was quite bitter and tangy. I proceeded to the kitchen to again wash my mouth out some more only to find I could not rid myself of the taste. It was as if my water source was now metallic.

There is an upside in as much that many people without amalgamated filling still report a metallic taste in their mouths around DAY 5. As the case was for me. Apparently is the build up from entering ketosis. (from "about" Day 3) A few days later the body begins to expel toxins where a white foam like substance builds up on the tongue. Often described as a metallic taste by many.

SO - Whilst that is somewhat encouraging to hear, I still need to consider the implications and approach to having a head full of mercury with my ongoing vigilance to sustainable inner health. Do not let this ability to articulate myself diminish the fact that I struggle with extreme anxiety and have been grinding my teeth my entire life. The amount of acid I produce through toxic thought has lead to a serious issue with ulcers on my esophagus. Such a past and predisposition with 13 amalgamated fillings warrants making at least an effort to research metallic cleansing. I figure I will do such before attempting my next water fast. You live and you lean.

Regrettably there is a lot of fear mongering, and deception on both side of the amalgamated controversy. Whilst I believe it's an issue that requires attention, I would do better to be as objective as I can. My reaction upon this issue raising its head and not having eaten for five days, saw that reaction a toxic one. Up to that stage I had shown excellence in mind control and now draw upon the gains I have in fact made with my new record ... a 130 hour water fast. Broken on the Morning of Day 6, with a glass of diluted cold press lemon juice.
_______________________________________

I have to believe it was a good decision. Whilst I could of arrested my negative reaction by leaning towards the white tongue explanation, I knew my incessant thinking had already set in too deep. The fact that I had no hunger of the last few day was making the whole metallic thing even more depressing as whilst I had no set dates, I subconsciously wanted to at least make it to day 7 ... then onto 14. My motivational and visual ability as good as it is, can often lead me to extremes. So on that reasoning alone, I can deduce a positive outcome in calling it quits. I'm developing a sense of control for the long run, instead of my usual means to push excessively hard in one run. Sustainable Patience Vs Burn Out.

My starting weight was 94. I was stuck between 93.4 and even up to 95 for two weeks. My weight at end of 130 hour water fast was 88.3. That's a loss of 5.7Kg/12.6lbs. I say was, because I know during the reentry phase I will reach a point in which my gut will be loaded once more. How I handle that reentry and the eating habits I choose, will dictate just how much I put on.

The Reentry Phase:
I am feeling quite empowered and now have a unique position from wish to start. PLANT - BASED LIVING. First up however, I will spend the next few days on Juice alone. Currently sticking with watered down - cold press lemon and may introduce small amounts of orange. After two days (according to length of fast) I will switch to eating whole soft watery fruits. Yet to research more into the specific types and I require more research into the balancing of acids. Either by the end of day 3 into the reentry phased or the morning of day 4, I will begin to embrace a plant based diet. My approach to that will be cold press juicing and also raw wraps. I just need to be careful with the amount and hydration level of introduced fiber. So I might in fact lightly steam before jumping into completely raw. (although sticking with cold press veggie juice)

I do hope to stay raw once my digestive system is back up an running. [I note I take a low dose of oxbile tabs with each meal as have no gall bladder [yet another complexity to factor in] I already have some great books from the town library to assist with keeping things interesting. My wife has been keen to try many out herself, which has left me watching her eat some really nice meals over the last 5 to 6 days, whilst I sat and watch. :) The only thing I would add to my reentry phase, is doing a little colon cleanse to perhaps shift some of the gunk left on the intestinal walls. I'm not sure how to time that ... I will be using Epsom salts like I did on day one of my fast. I'm guessing I will do when first introducing an element of fiber, not the cold press juice. Yea ... sounds like a plan.

Well that's about it. Only other aspect I have not covered in my reentry into exercise. I really need to think about that. In a nut shell, I already have my dumbbells up for sale. I wont be eating for strenuous activity and also now passing up many of my soaked and dehydrated nuts to my daughter. I researched a whole lot, and uncovered some interesting MYTHS. Having said that though, one has to be careful of the authors agenda when reading such claims. I think the Protein issue is looking more distorted and make plant based look less of a scare. Also the Vitim B issues (even meat eaters get low in b12) look out of sync. The Soy myth brings things back into perspective with regard to Processing which is something that Vegans need to watch. Apparently the pinnacle difference between Plant Based & Vegan. Then there is Paleo and now Pegans. I'm not out to personalize or get hooked on a certain "way." Just drawing the distinctions, pros and cons. Whatever direction I take I will always be evolving, always learning.

It's not easy whatever way one chooses given the amount of toxins pumped into our foods. Even the organic is often lacking due marketing ploys, storage and ease of certifications. Once I can make the change long enough to know my consumption, I will most like switch to the "organic dirty dozen." I did this before, however was juicing and really had no idea about my level of consumption. I believe one of the benefits of eating raw, will give me a better understanding of just how much I need. Such will make buying organic a little easier to calculate. At the markets I go by taste. You can tell which sellers grow less toxic than others just by taste. Speaking of which, fasting and eating clean really helps with such a sense.

That's a wraps ... all in all, I believe I have benefited very well from my 130 hours water fast.

Here's to the next one. You know what to expect now ... and don't freak out over the fillings in your head. Go with the white tongue explanation and just be aware of the signs for heavy metallic poisoning during next fast. Stick with reentry for now and design a new sustainable activity plan. Enjoy not having to work out so hard. That's the ticket to quieting "your" incessant thinking.

Well Done Davy Boy. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/happy/cheering-clapping-smiley-emoticon.gif

[needtogetwell]

Well done Davey boy! Yes, I'm impressed. 130 hours, very commendable.

You have learned much for such a short time.

Be proud of yourself many couldn't even think of attempting it let alone doing it.

Cheers!

[Ponder]

Thanks Pam. I appreciate you saying like so :)

I hope things are moving along with the dumpster?

[needtogetwell]

I'll let you know in 2 days how successful the dumpster has been.

For now this is the pile being donated to an organization run by the Canadian Diabetes Association. I had a similar pile back at the beginning of October. Thank goodness they pick up!

[JohnC]

Howdy do all?
Still lurking but it's hunting season so most of my spare time is in the woods ( no meat for the freezer yet ).
Wish i had time to catch up totally but i just do not so i'll make it brief.
Pam, dam nice avitar
Ponder, 130+ hours...... HOLY CRAP :)
Dahlia, what can i say you peach
Marc, i feel your pain been there and done that
Jess, what up
Thinkin about you guy's/gal's
I am sure that i will be on more when things get settled down
P.S. Starting to remember why i left my old job :( Kinda stuck now though. As someone i know says Pfft!

[Ponder]

Nice to know things are moving along Pam. Appreciate the pictorial updates. That's my kind of language:)
Hey John! Nice to see you. Hope you and the family are well?
LOL & Pfft ... I think I picked that up off Dahila or Pam, can't remember but it feels good to blame someone else. Just kidding guys.
I hope your soon able to free the wheel and get moving again. If you could come close to pegging it, what seems to be the problem ... if I may ask?

[Ponder]

------
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/583/22371018937_c9b3634082_o.jpg

No agenda, no seeking success, no pumping positivity, no bliss seeking; just healthy thoughts to support peaceful living.

When you have suffered enough, desire dwindles and simple things take on a whole new meaning.

[Ponder]

PAM - Do you think I have what it takes to learn how to read music?

I just can't find an instrument that plays quietly. (I'm over the guitar and whilst I do like my harmonica, its too loud)

You've got me thinking about a cheap keyboard that I can plug headphones into. I sold some gear and got about a $120.00au. I know it's not much, BUT, there seems to be some cheap keyboards out there with headphone sockets. The family always diss me when they hear me learning. I looked for ages to find an electric harmonica that does not play out loud. No success. So Now I am seriously thinking about a keyboard.


Actually ... now I am talking myself into it.

Learning to read music would be a great distraction ... hmmmmm

Any ideas how I would go about it with a cheap ass keyboard? Am I too old?

[Ponder]

Unless anyone can name another instrument that can be played quietly. The only issue I have with the keyboard is its size.  That's what I like about the Harmonica or Flute.

Clutching at straws here. :)

[Dahila]

Hi you are not too old to learn, Do you remember when my friend, told me I am too old to open a business. He is wrong. I am old but I learn a new things everyday. Three years ago I made my first soap, and first face cream. Today I am selling it, and the long road I went with it and experimentation was back breaking or rather soul breaking. It is long and its not long.

Why are you so far away. My grandchild would teach you the notes. It suppose to be easy, like reading. My ex hubby was a phenomenal musician, what a waste he was switching from thing to thing instead of following his path; music. My both children went to Music school and they told me it was easy to learn notes.
I think you will learn it fast. If I was you I would look at used keyboards, People tend to buy instruments and then children do not want to play and they sell it for peanuts :))

[Ponder]

That's awesome News Dahila. I am really pleased the soap business is going well for you :)

Thanks for the encouragment re learning music. I have found a lot of responses about the technical side very overwhelming. More so the talk on how it takes years and years of practice. Kind of like big noting themselves in a genre for select people. Must of been in some toffee nosed forum I guess. Very refreshing and encouraging to hear people encourage in the manner you do so here.

On that note ... LMFAO with .......Pfft in the survey thread. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-hysterically-smiley-emoticon.gif

Some people just don't get it. It's akin to walking into someones home only to leave mud on the floor. Surveys ......Pffft.
Being Zen, does not mean letting people walk all over you.

Thanks again Dahila ... really appreciate your encouragement & support. :)

[Dahila]

Really people push this Bs on others. My ex hubby took maybe 2 hours to teach children the notes. There was not enough for teachers to spend time with each student (old story, but neverevnding story)
I was listening when he explained showing each note on piano (we had one) it had not seem to difficult to me. The problem is some huge elephant stand on my ear;)))
Business is slow but more and more is selling it is baby steps, but I believe (if I am still alive) after first years I should make some profit. Just remember I have to pay insurance :))Hopefully first year I break even:)
You want to learn; do it,
I had read somewhere that age does not mean not learning. Maybe it takes a bit more time but learning is almost as people in their 30 do. The key is to keep your brain working full time , problems solving. Reading. learning ..........
I have so many skills due my jumping from thing to thing. Maybe I am not master at anything, but do I need the mastery to lead a beautiful life? :)

[Ponder]

Yes, now I know why you and I have so much in common and how we always had so much to talk about. :) I believe you have already succeeded Dahila.

Just posting something interesting I found. Not sure if your on the side Jesse ... but I link this for anyone to comment on. He is a bit fast, but I find much of what he says resonates well with me.

The Ultimate Solution:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIWo2dGh9fzmCboXxHwrqq-KCpJ__-0pd

I look into doing a video update soon.

Peace guys .... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz

[Dahila]

I like him and what he is saying. We should go back to beginning.............

[Ponder]

I am quite sad tonight Guys. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/icons-land/crying.gif

Remember little Joey:

https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8668/15930383418_f18ff97f20.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/qgHnZ5) -- https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3907/15232947445_b28dfe4479.jpg


The following is a photo his mum sent me, after his first overnight visit with his father. Joey in only 17 months old and still learning to talk:


http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Joey%2017%20months%20old%20smack%20marks%20from%20 fathers%20visit._zpsvit2mqfj.jpg


That's not a smack. That's a flogging! (see the palm mark ... very concerning with regard to the force used)
Is an over reach hand with finger marks running downwards ... does not take me long to see the palm mark. Some cruel bastards lift them by the arm and lean over them to commence flogging)

17 months old.

Yep - That's reality check for us peoples. The wonderful world of loving people.

I won't bore you all with the details, but felt the need to share. It's what I do. For a rosy scripture reading, please login into yahoo or something. Incidentally, this above welt was delivered by one that hides behind the church. Authority handed out it in the name of God, yet protected by the authority in which one is taught never to question.

None the less ... take heart. This asshole won't be seeing Joey anytime soon!
______________________________________

Thanks for listening. 17 months old ... Pffft. What cowards the churches breed these days. 17 months old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Off to do some breathing ... wish me luck.

This is what makes me want to give up on society all together ... 17 months old!

[Ponder]

Unfortunately there is no going back Dahila. All we can do is make the most of what's before us. I look at the above photo and put aside all judgement and focus on what matters most. Little Joey. It's easy to get lost in the emotion. No doubt the abusers of this world struggle with the same thing.

We have to somehow wrestle the reactive thoughts, into more objective and compassionate ones. We can't keep the ripples going as is.

Night guys. Zzzźzzzzzzzzzzz

[Im-Suffering]

Maybe I am not master at anything, but do I need the mastery to lead a beautiful life? :)

The beauty is inside you. You are beautiful. did anyone ever tell you how special you are?

[Ponder]

Whilst the police agree that a hand mark has been left on the child, they are unable to push criminal charges:

It's hard for me to process that, as someone who has been arrested many times for a lot less. It's legal to smack children in some states of Australia. Unfortunately Queensland is one of them. It's illegal to be homeless, to go over the speed limit, but it's perfectly OK to leave hand prints on 17 month old babies. Such is the Society in which we live.
______________

Hopefully Joeys mother will follow up on police advice to take this her son to the doctors this morning and advice them she was instructed to do. Child Welfare had only been investigating a few days prior to this event. I'm hoping the doctor will make his own conclusion and make some mandatory notification himself. I doubt it, living in a state where it's OK to beat your kids. Hopefully this morning those ruptured capillaries within that welt, may be discolored for better effect.

I suspect the mark will fade as too the incident, whilst joey develops a deep trust for the male figures. Remember this is the father that beats children for shitting in their nappies. In all likely hood the assault most likely took place on a change table.

Anyways ... It's up to the little guys mothers to decide what's more important. The child's welfare or an abusive relationship with his father. Somehow she has it in here head, that he needs a relationship with his father. I suspect someone has bestowed guilt on here with respect the the father. Those church types are real good at doing that. My Sisters family love to help people, but only do so with an expectation that others must live in gratitude. They smother people in a thick coat of judgment and expectation for the handing out of grace. Indeed - these types make the worst abusers of all. Really good at fucking with peoples heads.

Today is Sunday. Tomorrow I'll get onto Welfare Myself. We actually had a police officer ring the house a few months back airing his concerns for joey back then. The history is building, and all we can do is keep stacking up the reports. The mother was treated like a criminal during the domestic case hearing, was made to do a parenting course and now requested to do another on the cycle of abuse. Meanwhile this abusive father has been instructed to nothing. Authorities investigate only to find all the mother"S" report much of the same abuse. Treat the victims like they are the only ones that have issues.

Much is the same outside our families. In the world of economy. It's that blanket of judgment, shame and guilt that keeps victims in their place. I know my daughter loves her son very much and has been in denial for some time now. Ignoring all the warnings and concerns re the risk associated with father and child. Hopefully this first hand mark on this child so young, will be enough to help break her own cycle of denial.

One can only hope. Again, I can only liken this whole mess to the cycle of abuse in which our society is content to live in. Winners & Losers. Sinners & Saints. Responsibility and accountability driven by the worlds economy. Your either economically viable of just plain undesirable. Yet so strong is the conditioning off craving, that suffers will continue to yield in the face of abuse chasing an elusive tail that delivers nothing but shame and guilt.

DISCONNECT!!! Dis identify not just with self ... but with SOCIETY! I refuse to participate in such a fucked up world. I refuse to participate! I will continue to embrace my labels and suck your tax $$$$$$$$$$$$$$. As long as people want to live this bullshit ideal life of chasing tails ... I will proudly choose not to function in your fucked up world. I laugh to think of such a ploy ... but is it a ploy? It pains me not ... to react and give authorities what they require in order to meat whatever box. It's how you people create terrorists ... is it not?

Look at your fucking TV screens and all that tension being projected from those plastic news reporters faces ... spitting out the news ... that shame and guilt ... easy peasy once you feed into that shit. Comes back to reaping what you sow. We Beat our kids ... play your game ... then one day ... we pick up a gun ... then walk into an establishment full of kids and massacre the whole lot.

OH MY - Why oh Why? He was such a good man.

Keep those tax dollars coming guys - I think I will be juicing next week. The price of veggies is going up.

I think I have made my point.

Have a great fucking day all!

[Ponder]

The beauty is inside you. You are beautiful. did anyone ever tell you how special you are?

My Mother told me how special I was, just before she rejected me. I then found myself in a home for troubled children, where I was beaten by a man who preached.

Love ... his favorite topic.

[Ponder]

My Brother was Special too! He was blessed with a death that found him plastered to his loungeroom floor with an eternal expression of pain & misery; whilst those that fucking preached dressed him up in his Sunday best and kept those that really cared out of reach.

That's what I'm talking about.

Off for a walk.

We'll chat about love real soon.

[Dahila]

Thank you IMS
WTF with police in Australia, here in Canada he would be charged for it. How is it possible that a psychopath like him have no supervised visits????????? I hate this asshole and I hate all abusers, why they do not pick me up , I would break his nose in a second. The f**** abusers abuse the week the ones who do not have means of defence, Children, animals, cruelty is something so popular right now. Dave I feel like crying, I do.............
U must have a paper from doc , it is important to take a child for a visit , later on the photo maybe not enough.

[Ponder]

Somber yet revealing Article:
http://christophertitmuss.org/blog/eckhart-tolle-is-on-the-rich-mans-list-is-this-the-price-of-enlightenment (http://christophertitmuss.org/blog/eckhart-tolle-is-on-the-rich-mans-list-is-this-the-price-of-enlightenment)

[Ponder]

TY Dahila - Its all taking place. His actions will cost him dearly and little joey will get the love this poor abuser obviously did not receive and of course needs. Unfortunately none of us at this point have any to give him. He will have to find it within himself. The only kind I have is more along the lines of seeing it as it really is. None of this pretense BS of love = Money and Bliss.

Bureaucratic BS Dahila --- Red Tape. The process is defined and implemented according to cost. $$$ and of course "worth" Has everything to do with how Authorities act, regardless of the rules.

If it was one of someone of worth $$$ whose child had been marked like so, you can bet the police would of laid charges.

[Ponder]

I guess what matters most, is the process that takes place in our own heads. I'm just pissed and still blowing steam. Cant do the accountability thing until Monday, when all the red tape is open for business. I'll go on with other things and make this a wrap on the subject I guess.

In hindsight, it's probably a good thing it happened straight away and only a few days after welfare expressed their concerns. It's just a matter of how far they are willing to let the abuse go on, Vs the BS or the "Family Thing" ... You know - Ideals Vs Basic Human Rights. That dogmatic religious and patriotic BS that so many are irreversible brainwashed into.

It's a brutal and very very sick system ... but there are still some things we can control.

[Ponder]

Righto - Moving On.

Food Fermentation ... I've decided to put off the music and continue on in the direction of my health. You know how expensive probiotics are hey? Tommroww I am going to bank the money I have made from selling my art supplies and weights. When I get back home, I will make an online purchase and soon have my very own 5L Fermenting Crock Pot. I know I could just use anything, but NO - I'm planning to make some quality products:

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Fermenting-Crock-Pot_zpsgxbj2nx8.png

All my Gut relate issues from the No Gallblader, to constipation and everything in between can benefit from this style of Natural food processing. I am enjoying the amount of work I have made for myself in the kitchen, and I am eating only one quarter of what I was before. All natural and mostly uncooked food. I did make a nice spinach and lentil soup today. The 24 hour soaking and additionally prep and cooking methods are making eating a less painful affair. I still have heaps of healing yet to do, but finally I can actually feel whats going on inside and hardly crave at all.

Time to check my sprouts. ;)

[needtogetwell]

Hi Dave,

I've only skimmed your last few posts, I will go back and read thoroughly after work.

Right now I am just so infuriated with what has happened to Joey, I can barely type.

Dahlia is right, in Canada there would be a warrant for the abusers arrest, especially given his track record.

Quickly on the piano note, if you feel it in your gut, you can learn anything. The beginning can be frustrating, and yes, often many years are required to be very proficient, but isn't that how it is for many things in life? Reading music isn't difficult, once you have the basics like scales and chords, the rest will come.

Learning to play any instrument can be very rewarding, and sometimes you can get incredible enjoyment out of just the simple dittys. Just tune your expectations down to the fact that you are just learning. I'm fairly certain there are many YouTube videos out there to simplify the process.

If you feel it and it's something you want to do then I say go for it. You are never too old to learn anything.

I'll be back in touch later.
Cheers for now!

[Dahila]

yeah music does good to the body and soul. It is with us from very beginning. I agree with Pam on it too. I found that learning gives me so much sanctification then I move to something else, ;))
Fermented foods, Dave you do not need special pot, of course it is good for fermenting foods. I make cabbage ; aka Sauerkraut and pickles and of course Kefir . I had pot like that in Poland and really it was good, but I do not have it , it does not stop me to do fermented foods. It is very trendy now. like everything else, it must be introduced slowly, so our body can get used it. On the beginning it will cause some unpleasant sensation and things like bloating, diarrhea.............

[Ponder]

Lost my fucking post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice to see you Pam and thanks Dahila.

Like I said before we have the same laws. I have seen the news coming out from Canada. I don't think your Society is any better. I've seen the youth over there lighting homeless people on fire. The authorities have investigated, several notifications to welfare made, already previously been involved, doctor seen and more notes on the system. Follows up will be made. THE LAWS in all our countries are a fucking joke! Made for some and not others. The red tape unrolls differently for different folk. It perpetuates more than it saves. Only when an issues its at a rolling boil and froth start to set in, does that system skim the top. Whilst many believe the world can't sustain much longer and a shift one way or the other coming; I can tell you there are a lot more kids going to be fucked over yet.

Sadly, Joey is going to suffer a LOT more yet. It's without a doubt that my dark side wants to go out and KILL. However, I choose to consolidate my anti social ways. Abso fucking louetly!!! Joey will not be the only one. Joey is kind of lucky that he has grandparents to help his mum. We will ensure the red tape unfolds neatly enough and that both mum and little joey will grow up to dissociate! There is a new wave coming. With support of those who are already dis identifying and letting go of the age old conditioning, the new generations will spawn enough numbers that will see a fucking end to this insensate destructive reign. One that will seek to ignore all forms of Authority. One that does not seek power, because it no longer fears.

That's the way forward - and I think the same applies when dealing with Joey and such events. We will learn as well as teach and be there as best we can. Cause and Effect will be highlighted every step of the way for Joey's Mum. I do believe in my heart, that with such support she will over come the denial that has been her revolving door. We will all be tempered from this and like I say ... further support the cause to ignore all forms of Authority and Conditioning.

Anarchy needs to come - but not until enough of us are well! You cannot have successful anarchy without enough people to live without leaders. Whilst more suffering is required and as our system would have it in order to thrive, more and more will start to ignore Authority, but do so WITHOUT FEAR! Only then can we have True Anarchy! Then the sickest of the sickest who run our world, armies, governments, police, hospitals will fade away ... until then ... we need more people to disconnect, disassociate, dis identify and lead others to unlearn the conditioning that takes place everyday.

Take a breath - spit out the words FUCK SOCIETY - then go out your door and love the world for what it is, and want for nothing as you go about your day. That there is the ticket. If you want for nothing whilst living on nothing, such will disempower those who seek it through the expected adoration of others as they go about with and in the new things. Only when those types loose what thier things can no longer give them, only then such types can enter into suffering, so they may too find their way.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________

The world is sick ... the only way a chronic illness heals, is first by experiencing more pain ... is the process of detox. In such way, we must embrace that pain ... expect it as part of the process. Understanding this helps to shed what we must.

I refuse to be consumed, I will continue to path my way and can only hope others may find it and learn to do the same. Living in an illusion will only consume.

[Ponder]

Re the food fermentation:

Yea - You know me ... When I find something that calls to me, I will take it as far as I can. I will not be using plastic or metal cans for fermenting. I only use glass and ceramic for all my food prepping now. Only on rare occasions will I use a bit plastic now. I am too sick to cut corners with chemical leaching and so on. Now that my body is much cleaner, I can taste plastic with one sip.

I have no over ceramics for the job of fermenting. I use to make my own beer. Finding out about Food Fermentation and the Benefits brought out a passionate response in me. I'm not focused on getting the best results. The aeration from a proper crock fermented is just as important to me as the hygiene. I'm also getting a 5 Liter capacity which I can not get from your average jar with fermenting lid; although I will be looking into those as well. The ability for water seal, via the mote I think is a great idea. All in all ... I think getting the crock pot is much more than a whim or a fad. I think it's not only perfect for a beginner, but makes a lot of sense.

All of what I am doing is about doctoring myself. If I go the right way about this, I think I will no longer need even supps let along inhibitors and blockers designed to stop me from being my fucking self!

So Yea - I think I made a good choice.

If you have any links to some good recipes I am all ears.
___________________________________

I'm off for a walk then later to the bank.

Have a good one all.

[Ponder]

LOL Dahila - yes , you also know what it is like to go from one thing then to another. I think Pam does too. It's a learning experience each time. Whilst others are quick to name it and label it ... I often enjoy the ride and become all the wiser for it. The return journey I often enjoy as I discover just how much easier something can get. Persistence in not so hard for us. It is our strength. :)

[needtogetwell]

Yes Dave, I think you will find the fermented foods helpful. I've been in that for almost 2 years and I do notice when I run out for a few days or just am too lazy to cook for myself, I don't feel as good.

Good luck and have fun with it.

[Ponder]

Only goes to show just how in touch you really are Pam.
The beauty of eating mostly Raw,is that I rarely cook :)

(edit - I still like a thick soup though and learning to steam those now - I also would like to learn how to make good broth)

2500 Posts - "Oh My looks who's counting ... Sigh oh Sigh - all those one liner posts. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/red-neck-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Dahila]

LOL Dahila - yes , you also know what it is like to go from one thing then to another. I think Pam does too. It's a learning experience each time. Whilst others are quick to name it and label it ... I often enjoy the ride and become all the wiser for it. The return journey I often enjoy as I discover just how much easier something can get. Persistence in not so hard for us. It is our strength. :)
Sorry but it is what I wanted to say. I sorry for quoting

I completely forgot that I make a wild yeast for my bread. Do you know that it is full of Vb and VB12 and extremely good for the liver and kidneys?
Kefir ; it has a 50 strain of alive probiotic bacteria, when the famous Greek yogurt about 15?
I do my fermented foods in glass. plastic should be avoided.

Dave you are a good person, if I had seen that someone did this to my small one I would just kill!! I am not kidding. I would not restrain myself and probably ended in jail.

Just tell me what you want if I know how to do I will give you the instruction. Sauerkraut is the easiest, pickles too, of course not added vinegar or any other chemicals.
I wish i could eat more of raw but I can not. I do not mind raw meat as long as it is beef..................are you guys shocked? Have you ever eat a Steak tartare
Steak tartare is a meat dish made from finely chopped or minced raw beef or horsemeat. It is often served with onions, capers and seasonings, sometimes with a raw egg yolk, and often on rye bread.
I would not touch horsemeat but it suppose to be the cleanest meat ever. horse will not drink dirty water, :) I love them

[Ponder]

Re Joey, I know well what you mean. It's an 8 hour return trip for me to go down and confront the abuser. He knew what he was doing by taking our daughter back in and Isolating her. The cycle of abuse is on par with having to watch your children endure our horrific education system. I was not far off burning down the schools. As you know I already have history of walking into a government building with a petrol can. That was shortly before being pensioned off.

I have come a long ways since then. I already know what life is like in a prison. For me to confront, would mean I would actually have to kill. No good leaving a wounded animal behind. That would ensure our daughter and Joey would be severely harmed if not set trigger the events to lead to their death. The cycle of instability is not adequately viewed from a distance. Internal affairs are bias through policy and procedure which makes their view as limiting as victims and perpetrates.

Remember my hiking buddy Ben. He works in community services field. Owns his own Disability Company and doing well. I sent my concerns to him with those photos. He ended up making a mandatory notification as he has advocated for us on other times, has personal relations with my daughter and knows well the background. My notification was taken quite seriously as well. Unfortunately, the other mothers and families involved, have not really stood up before to this abuser. One of them did try, but felt bullied by the system and gave up.

Since we did the big push with solicitors and previous notification before, won a domestic violence order which the perp tried to fight - having encountered all the stigma and brow beating withing that system ... despite our daughter dropping orders and returning to the cycle ... we have kept records all the way. The biggest thing TO NOTE* →, is that through our determination to make a stand, accept the cycle and keep vigilant with records and use our experience ... since our daughter was manipulated and charmed back in, one of the other mothers stopped sending her kid for visitations and started seeking legal advice. She was empowered through our own actions and since then ... despite this abusers ability to cover his tracks, the truth and this mans colors have been more revealing. Tension for his has been building. More notifications - re that mother ... and now the most recent eventual second time leaving of our daughter.

It was the first time Joey went for an overnight unsupervised visit. Our daughter explained that welfare had been around to air their concerns the day before ... it was the next day Joey was returned with the welts/busing. Go figure - Outright rebuking the system whilst having a go at the mother. Disgusting is it not. Using children as weapons and doing damage like wise. YES - there are laws, but how grey they be.

It's perplexing that despite welfare sharing their own concerns about children being in this mans care, that our daughter went ahead and gave the father a chance. I reason that like me, she might have a tenancy to flame the fire and bring things to the boil sooner than later which is in hindsight shows just how untrust worthy / high risk this father really is - OR - she thought having had welfare intervention maybe felt more confident to disclose the support she thought she might have with the system now looking on? (does that make sense) At any rate - the way the courts drill one parent over the over with respect to keeping the law regarding visitation ... one could be forgiven for fearing the courts wrath, over the quickly dismissed risk that many victims (mothers/some fathers and children) are so desperate to reveal. The system often victimizes the victims without care for the over all picture ... what matters is that the law is Obey and that the hearings are quick!
__________________________________________________ _

Anyways ... There is a 3r mother (2nd women/young girl to be victimized) involved ... and sadly she is hooked on drugs :( - That child is 5 years old and can barely speak. Before our daughter popped up on the radar, the 1st mother who was brow beaten by the courts gave up. The little boy whose underdeveloped on so many levels, was the one belted when he pooped his nappies. The 1st young girl (he preys on them young - insecurity issues of atypical abuser and targets the weak) was stood over at the dinner table and was punished with food and other means that left no marks. He has previously left marks on her as well. Thankfully that little girl is able to speak and has voice her fear of being in the fathers presence without supervision. So you see ... this is the environment Joey is expected to go and visit.

When the department separates each case, it fails to see the bigger picture. Fails to account for the variables within each case, the limitations, the hold that is had on each girl, and so on. The system enables the monsters to carry on. HOWEVER - let's not personalize the system as yet another monster, but instead ... look at the facts. None of the other young women had the support of knowledge on how to stand.

That's where my wife and I come in. We fought for years to get custody of my oldest son (self represented), actually whistle blew on corrupt welfare offices which resulted in laws being changed (to defend against freedom of information) - have reported disability companies neglecting the rights of clients, unfair work dismissals, uncovered a Pedophile working in positions of trust and had him removed, yelled and scream about the abuse that took place in that children's home that eventually led so many to their deaths. The list goes on.

We are not a "well adjusted family" and the fact our daughter has fallen prey should not mark us as some genetic curse or some other negative by product that's lacking in hope. Just quite the opposite in fact. It is our journey to overcome and help where we can. I choose to look at the bigger picture and overcome that dark side, and am wary of the ease ... at which to give in ... Those other mums need help, just as the abuser himself - our daughter ... she has a path that requires tempering, just as I endured homelessness and stigma from the gutter, not withstanding my own mistakes ... even little Joey has his role to play. The later being an unfathomable lesson making anyone wishing to make sense ... want to give up.

I can't find the quote from Guandi ... but detachment comes to mind, but more so for the purpose of being strong enough to make an effective stance.

To summarize - Our daughter and grand son are once again living in a place of their own. Out of harms way. (Edit -sadly about 500km's away - we use skype and the phone to give regularly support and send what money we can - it was the cost for returning to the cycle. Hopefully she will apply to the courts to return where she can be better supported ... with her immediate family. Again - Red Tape that enables the abuses - Sigh. All the 3 young women/victims are force to stay within reach of the abuser. :( Again - OBEY system more important - The illusion of Family Institution Vs basic human rights ... Religion and Ideals ... Our Society ... very sad...one area of many, in need of evolving ) The continuing stance in the face of adversity shortsightedness, and bureaucracy has been empowering and slowly revealing where its been in desperate need. The dark side to the cycle is slowly being exposed, expressed and experienced as it must. Hopefully we can continue to empower each other ... the mothers and most of all the kids!!!

Despite it's flaws, the system can only work if presented with right exposure, expression and experience. We can only orchestrate that, if we ourselves can keep level heads and wrestles the rages. The net is closing on this poor sorry individual whom himself is unable in so many ways. We shall seek to keep the victims of the victim networked and vigilant and provide what we must in order to reveal.
____________________________________

Joey is going to be OK - one way of the other. I feel very sorry for the little 5 year old boy that can barely speak. : Unfortunately that mother is not so receptive. :( The father is used like a baby sitting service, while he just uses that little boy to do as he does. The other mother no longer sends her child - that one can speak and says "no more" - Whilst Joey is actually well versed ... he is still only 17 months old ... but we are speaking for him and doing it loud enough. I think Our daughter is coming to terms with the cycle of denial ... if not ... we will be here ... for whatever comes.

Is the only way I can do it Dahila. Srry for long post. I hope it all makes sense.
______

Thanks for the encouragement re food fermentation. I speak on that a little later.
You and Pam ... you too Marc ... all of you ... your good friends.

Sorry I have been out of sorts. I am starting to feel better.

Thanks for listening.
Dave.

[Dahila]

Yes, the post makes so much sense, it just helped me understand my family situation a bit better. I do not talk here about it, but you do know D. and you must realize that I am with your family wholeheartedly. Poor children, all children who were , are and will be abused. All weak and the one who can not stand for themselfess .....it is heart breaking.
I still think that long post maybe brought you some relieve , maybe a bit.
People talk how God love others, if it was a case would be the weakest exposed to so much pain?
I am upset with it, I truly am. I can not imagine the pain you guys feel..............sending the warmest thoughts to your family and to you

[Ponder]

The child beater has now officially been recognized as an abuser by child welfare. (minus police charges - Sigh) My daughter got a call, explaining just that, and further more ... that if she was to put the little one at risk by sending little joey for an unsupervised visit, that her little one may be taken from her. It's a tough stance, but my daughter is under the spell that comes with the cycle of abuse. Child Welfare are now fully involved with the upcoming court proceedings. Welfare have been also made aware of previous domestic violence orders that went against the father and how the mother had overturned them in her passion to return to abusers nest.

My mate in the community service circles talked at length with me to formulate his mandatory complaint. (he himself is disheartened to see all this going on and how the system fails to act - has little ones of his own) I think his involvement was crucial in seeing the dept act and act fast. Our daughter would not listen to us, and I fear still under the illusion that's typically woven by such manipulative and cowardice predators. Next we will provide our daughter once more with the a recommended course of instruction and proposed ideas for the orders. (the system railroads those who have no knowledge - regularly victimizes the victims) I think an independent child representative would be best, however we can only advise from long distance and ultimately leave it up to the depts. Our daughter hoodwinked us before with overturning the orders that were made up here, only to then return for more abuse. Back to square one yet again. Hence the cycle of abuse ... to which she being briefed on, yet nothing so far for the abuser himself. He really needs psychiatric assessment ... but the system fails miserably with actually getting the abusers help, instead they seem to keep fingering the victims ... we shall see as the next court case starts all over again.

In summery, Both Mother and Father have been put on notice with regard to the child's best interest. The abuse now proven, and welfare now fully engaged - the abuser and any would be representatives on his behalf, now only have a limited amount of play. You realize these types don't care about seeing the kids, it's more about continuing the cycle of abuse and sucking the life out of those around them.
_________________________________________

It's been a good outcome ... although sad it taken what it did to come to such an end. Fact is, these things are never really over - they just keep cycling until a new path is reached. Right now, the focus is on loading up the trailer with second hand goods and helping to reestablish her new place ... yet again. Just checking out a few kindy gym's and toddler swimming centers within walking distance. Focus on building new connections, with stimulating experiences for both mother and child.

This figment they hide behind called a GOD - is nothing but an enabling concept that deludes such types to comfort their psychopathic tendencies. From oppressors to self fulfilling bliss seekers, they are all blinded by personal gain, draining more life than they actually gain. There is NO GOD, but merely brain washed manipulative individuals that go about like parasites feeding off the weak and vulnerable. They are very sick people that need cutting out before this world can ever hope to come about.

The confirmed case of psychical (child-baby /17 month old) abuse, should mean easy sailing with the courts. He and his Christian family can pray till their hearts content - but all their future visits with their grand son and son, will be confined assessed and recorded. I'm pretty sure this abuser is going to have to start doing a few self help courses as well.

We too, are watching like hawks!

Next job on the list is to contact officials with regard to this abusers security license and have his "Good Character" come under investigation. Child beaters should not be allowed to hold a security license.

[Ponder]

Righto - Thought I would log this in my diary. It's sad to see my daughter doing it so tough. She is a single mum on a pension just doing her best to get by. She is just setting herself up a second time running from the same abusive partner who was just confirmed as a child beater. The cycle of life is just not is bliss for some. Recent events have have tested and tried my tone. By Product - Let's just put it down to that and learn the process and do as best we can.

That's what my hard core diary is all about - Kind of gives RAW LIVING a new perspective. (smiles) - Fact is ... $$$ do indeed limits a persons reach - YET - knowledge has a way of providing more choices where once there seemed to be none.

My oldest daughter still struggles with an Iron deficiency despite taking on the Vegan "Way." It's sure it tough that women require so much more of it than men. I believe most of the problem there is running around to meet the needs to pay the rent and bills. No time to prep and or juice, let alone learn how to eat natural and in natural world. It's no longer simple - we have made things more complex for ourselves.

Anyways - my other daughter having a tough time with the abuser ... she suffers a lot of UTI Urinary tract infection. Her mind set has been YEA YEA - I have no money. Bit like I have been with regard to organic food. (:) - I have taken my own advice from this letter, and already started buying less and now eating half organic where I can) My daughter has put on weight and I can also see it in the little one. I can see it in both their eyes.

I'm not sure if my words will sink in - just figured it was worth a shot. We fed out kids the budget diet and imprinted as much as we received. I must admit though, I never had a parent who ever took the time to tell me as it is. Then again, I might never of listened.

Good New is - My daughter was the one to ask for a healthier list. :)

THE LETTER:
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___________________
I wrote this, because you need to understand its not easy to change from eating a budget junk food habit, into eating a budget healthy habit.

If you read all this and explain to me more than just YEA YEA ... then I will make the next guide all about the food.

OK - do we have a deal?
_________________________________________

DAD's GUIDE TO EATING HEALTHY:

It's just as much our fault - I know ... :)

The Transition.
Making the decision to eat healthy is much easier than that of the effort required to quit living off junk food. You’ve had it too easy, popping the tops, unwrapping and or unsealing straight from the package onto the plate. All attempts at cooking fail miserable with nutrition as the best you’ve been able to do is a few sausages, continual servings of pasta, lots of sauce and cheap mince. Throw some herbs and spices on it all and you won’t know you have issues until it’s too late. Two minute noodles for a quick fix, a six pack of sensationalized poppers for the kid. If the filling and sweeteners don’t get you, the convenience will. This kind of life style is an addiction. It’s not going to be easy to break. Your parents might of raised you like that, but so too it was for them. The only one that can make the change is you yourself.

Having now provided a healthier list of foods within the same budget previously allocated to those less than ideal foods; we now need to explore other hurdles that commonly come to mind.

Eating less does not mean starving!
It only appears at first that there is less food on this new healthier list. This is partly because you’re not sure how to combine and use these unfamiliar foods.
Let’s Look at the Food Types:
MOSTLY/Staples – Vegetables and Fruits.
Whole Grain OATS –
Whole Grain Bread (less of it)
Medium Grain Brown Rice
Tuna/Salmon
LESS MEAT – more Natural Fats from Plant Based Foods.
__________________________________________________ ______

There is more on the list – but that’s the base within your limited budget.

The first thing to note is that its going to take a little more time to prepare your meals. You don’t just open and add milk with a spoon full of sugar. You can however add some honey. You will spend more time in the kitchen whilst eating only about the same or even less than you did before. Fact is – You only need half of what you were eating compared to before. Food that actually has vitamins and minerals in them allow the body to grow and heal. The less food it takes to meet your needs, the more energy you will feel.

That other food like White & all forms of Budget Bread, Pasta, Sugary Sauces, Fatty Mince, Greasy Sausages, Concentrated Grocery store Juices and drinks; they do nothing for your body, except make it sick and tired over a long period of time. Your body is often still hungry after eating these foods as it still lacks nutrition despite having been filled.

Once you understand that eating healthy means eating less, you will then see a light at the end of the tunnel as you can spend about the same amount of money on less to gain those healthier foods.
__________________________________________________ _______

What Foods To Eat and When?
Give me time on this … I will explain later. I first wanted you to understand just how sick people get eating what many term as Budget Food. Hopefully now you will understand … that the list we have made is more than enough to meet your needs. Yes … it’s not going to be easy coming off the drugs (Junk Budget Food) … Your body will go into a detox state as most of that processed food is actually quite poisonous/toxic for our bodies. You will crave the starches and the sugars, you will have trouble recognizing the difference between actual hunger and cravings. You need to understand that this is going to happen and it will be very hard in the first two weeks … it will still be hard in the first month, but once you get past that … you will feel 100 times better and your little one will too! You will both have clearer skin and the whites of your eyes will shine once more.

Yadda Yadda … YEA YEA. Ask yourself … do you really want to get better? If you have read this far, then maybe it’s worth my effort to formulate those recipes and further explain … HOW – WHAT & WHEN.

You let me know.

[Ponder]

Hit a wall ... struggling with too much pain for too many days in a row. Have gained weight as a result of stress and lack of sleep and also losing my resolve.

See what happens ... Going to ease up and regress a little as nothing I seem to be doing diet wise seem to be making any difference. Perhaps the fact that my body is cleaner, I am now experiencing all the problems or they have revealed themselves more and or triggered.
______________________________________

That's enough for in here. Will come back when I am no longer experiencing pain for days on end.

[Dahila]

Dave take it easy please.
You know my opinion about ready to eat foods. I do not buy anything in cans and processed meats except some bacon and cold cuts (for the sandwiches) 80 percent of my diet are veggies, and I eat home made bread rather on the dark side , rye bread with some mix of unbleached white and whole wheat.
I spend hours in kitchen to prepare healthy food. Only when you are on veggies and raw you safe the time. My slaving in kitchen pays off. None of us has any vitamin or mineral deficiency. I know, I have my veggies. I still harvest kale;)) My brother just told me not to take out, he is harvesting his in the middle of the winter :))
I think age is a huge issue at least in my situation. Eating that well I am seriously overweight:((

[jessed03]

Hey guys! Just wanted to check in. I know it's been a while since I've visited this site. Haven't really had the energy to deal with others' problems lately. (Not you guys, btw, just those on the General Section).

Dave I know you're feeling rough, so no rush to reply. I have heard that things get a lot worse before they get better when cleansing the body, but that's anecdotal I'm afraid. Can't confirm that personally. If you haven't checked your hormones lately, that's probably worth doing, too. All of us that have suffered stress, physical health issues, and been on drugs all risk having messed up hormones. High cortisol is a killer, literally. It can make a person feel like absolute garbage. Some diets can exacerbate hormonal issues, too, so always worth knowing where you stand. It's something I've been meaning to do.

I do hope you come out of the other side of this feeling better.

Dahlia, always good to bump into you too! :) Snow must be on the way in Canada, right?

[Dahila]

Hi guys
Dave post it!!! i miss your posting

Jessed do not say it, I already have winter tires on. They say this week:(

[Ponder]

Hi guys. Hope you are doing well.

How your feeling on the within is what counts Dahila, however I have come to learn that with a little knowledge; one can read the outside to to gain insights to the in. Sounds like your doing well with the food Dahila and I do hope your continuing on in good health, and also wishing you that be the case far into the future.

Hi Jess - Nice to see you as well. Goods points as well TY - Indeed my body has presented me with a few causes of concern since detoxing. (eating clean and no more processed or packages foods)Coming off the medications was the first step and that also was a major hurdle. I've been checked out by the doctor recently over the last week.

Long story short, I ended up in the CDU - Clinical Decision Unit (short stay) section of the hospital.

I got a nice clean snap shot of my insides (CT Scan - with two dies injected through two points - 950 pics) - They said it all looks clean. The concern was with hereditary bowel cancer and my current symptoms of late. I'm booked in for a colonoscopy yet. Will be my second one in 5 year. From what that doc at the hospital said ... it's more to confirm a suspected anal fissure. It sounds so simple, and given the lack of finding something; I am treating myself according to that. I can't believe I have not heard of something that make so much sense. Must be that stupid human condition that stops people speaking so openly about something that would otherwise help so many others out.

The constant pain has lead me to other complications also that people do not like to talk about. Me having severe anxiety issues and a number of other likewise spawn unbalanced most of my life ... I have not been well as a result of the ongoing and untreated pain. I once again had blood in my urine similar to that last time I ended up in hospital. Dizzy and sweating on my feet all the time ... in coherent, and most likely my hormones all messed up like you were saying Jess.

I fainted at the hospital and had a mini fit as I come out of it. Bit my damn tongue!!! They said it could of been a reaction from the endome they gave me when arriving. Guess what they gave me a prescription for when leaving → Endome. SIGH - If that's how they keep records when doing obs ... SIGH.

SO - I not only have to watch what I eat, (which the clinical version of protein based diets and their "hang up" with people on plant based diets confirm most of the bias holistic sources warn about) but I have to take sups to keep all the waste product soft. Movicol - I need to take quite a bit of it and also for a few months. Finding what works is yet a project I am to overcome. It's all guess work and trail as I go kind of thing and with a bit of luck, the suspected condition my in fact be on the mark and something I can finally treat. So for now I will ride with that.

My eye sight has suffered terribly since all that die was injected into .... need to drinks lots of water ... they did blood tests to make sure my live and kidney function was up to is, as they explained the process would destroy a little of my kidney ... ("the lessor of two evils.) ... apparently my kidney was good enough and the symptoms and heredity side of thing warranted for the tests.

I am back to walking, eating as best I can, drinking lots of water ... all in the hope of my eye sight righting itself. Have another appointment with my doc soon enough ... I will bring it all up with him, if I am still having burred vision and so on.

Sensory degeneration I guess ... Growing old need not suck ... just another door to acceptance I guess.
__________________________________________________ _____________

That's a wrap guys.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Later ;)

[Dahila]

Oh I knew it, I knew that you are sick Dave. S****t that's not good. We are so screwed up through ages of eating wrong that any different approach must be very slow. Digestive system, it is possible that you need to cook your veggies. no long just a few minutes so they are easier to digest. Not enough fiber is bad, but more than 16 g in 24 hours for me ends in disaster. I love all high fiber veggies; beans, peas, avocados .............eggplants, pepper. and alot of others. Blurried vision will improve, as soon as your body cleanses itself. Let it do the job, do not force the body for hard work. You need time to recover. I believe dandelion in any form would be very beneficial for you so would be stinging nettle
I had the CAT scan (lungs) with contrast and it was awful, on the top that they could not find the vein and suspicion about lung cancer.
How is your blood pressure? Is it high or normal?
Get well soon Dave, I can not imagine what L, would do without you or you being sick

[Ponder]

Indeed - Most of the problems in our hospitals are all related to the crap food we choose to eat and that which is chosen to be sold. I laughed when they implied I may have to see their dietitian. Not out loud of course, but the demeanor to which I was graced when discussing the topic of water fasting and into herbal treatments was quite patronizing to say the least. The last thing I needed was advice from a clinical dietitian. LMFAO @ that one!!! Most people are in hospital flowing such BS tuition.

My current illness is in no way related to my embarkation on water fasting, plant based eating, elimination of processed food and ongoing customization of finding what works for me. In fact, all I did was highlight existing problems that were otherwise covered up with a load of other more painful complex obesity issues.

ANYWAYS - the issue with fiber is not as easy as it would seem. Many would indicate your not getting enough, when in fact I have been getting too much. You make a good point about the type of fiber and how it breaks down. The transition no doubt an issue in-between.

I'm too tired to go on about my case right now ... but finding relief with a small dose of epsom salts and changing my habits to a nightly routine. Taking Movicol in between ... I need to do this for a quite some time to allow myself to heal.

Until next post. ;)

[Ponder]

__________________________________________________ _______
__________

You can't get much "cheaper" than this:

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Inner%20Peace%20-%20Cheapened_zps9s77tpl3.jpg


lol @ "Conditions apply"
___________________________________

You know, a psychiatrist once indicated to me, "... those adds are not just directed at you." I sat and quietly thought - "exactly."

Whilst the price of clean food, air and water is skyrocketing, Society continues to cheapen all the more. With the increase of advertising and like wise perception management; "fuck I can't wait till I am dead!" I do however console myself that there are billions more who think the same way. My latest health kick really is more about doing what I can to die the least painful death I can possibly manage. Why the fuck would anyone sane person want to continue living on this planet the way it is.

Latest Report:

Seems like this time of year everything goes to shit. I really need to disconnect from my daughters toxic relationship issues with the abuser and take my head out of the multiple realities that both mother and grandson needlessly endure. Our great lessons to be had in life. Again - "the planet the way it is" Sigh ... but like they say ... "Love what is" You can bet that such types, indeed have a many master cards and sell many books.

... at any-rate, it was good to at least make a post than none at all.

Just hanging in there for now.

Good luck chasing peace $$$$
LMFAO ... conditions apply!!!

[Dahila]

yes you are in the middle of that, and no one will consider what you are going through. I have been there, I know the feeling, when you feel like you drowning.........everything is sensless
Unfortunately our smart and beautiful children, never think what they do to their loved ones with their mistakes and wrong doing......

[Ponder]

Yea I hear ya ... I find the more critical issues lay within the governing systems that are entrusted to protect the victims. These systems are corrupted by the ideals under which they are run. Such organizations generate the dysfunction they are employed to correct. In this light, as long as we subscribe to accepting as is ... we all in some way will continue to live as victims.

I'm getting ready to formulate some kind of complaint and put this whole ordeal to bed. I've done just about all I can. It's the kind of complaint that needs to be resubmitted until it gets to the top.

I'll share it in here later if only as a means to complete the task. The lady from the Domestic Violence Prevention Service was quite supportive on the phone. It's an uphill battle for all involved. The actually Child Protection Unit is the failing service in all this. Only the mother (my daughter) has been subject to recommendation and scrutiny, while the abuser is still yet to be approached. The Unit is keeping all parties in the dark, which whilst has some merit, goes a long way to creating more tension which only exacerbates negative outcomes. CONTROL!

One of the steps in lodging complaints (within the same dept - LMFAO useless) ended up suggesting medication for the mother as some type of resolution. HOW FUCKING PATHETIC IS THAT!!! - I rang to complain about the abuser not yet being approached. Simply put, they resorted to the same tactic of focusing on the "easier" point. The Victim. I'm not sure if your following me ... but I'm just painting out how the system fails when it takes the easy way out - (Victims get Victimized) Anyways ... I best leave it to later.

In the mean time I have a LOT of stuff to catch up on.
________________________

Poor Lisa is not well with all this going on. At least my ass hole is feeling better these days. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif

[Ponder]

Thank You for your support Dahila -Much Appreciated.

[Ponder]

Had a good walk this morning. Mostly the feeling of being back on track. Regained my energy to keep up the healthy eating and also mixing things up enough prevail despite varying tensions about me. Chores are getting done and appointments being made and kept.

I'm going to share another extract from the "Power Of Now" - Part of a book I listened to over and over again. I am always getting something new each time from it, and I suppose will continue to as long as I keep listening. I took a few notes and put them on the following link.

You'll need some free time to give this one the attention it deserves and also often required. The thing about touching base with the Pain Body - (suffering) - is that it requires focus in order to be felt. The greatest addiction we have is often the most common theme ... Our Minds & the way we have been conditioned. This book was the first introduction to Eckhart Tolle for me. It may seem heavy at first, however ... as described in this extract ... the extent of ones suffering usually makes or breaks a persons desire to want to be free. Unfortunately Society uses the fallibility of our minds as the driving force to keep us all imprisoned within it's control.

Control being the major factor in most peoples lives as something other than themselves. We are taught to be reliant on others and never ourselves. Whilst the next part to this uses a lot of religious sayings ... it as the same time exposes such control factors with dogmatic types.

Anyways FOR ME - I no longer care to even get wrapped up in the wrong or the right with such futile terms as religion and belief. So much so, that what was once a major trigger for me, now actually helps me see. I've said it before many times how many religious extremests proclaim Eckhart Tolle to be the "latest" Antichrist. I think he present very well a number of spiritual teachings from many faiths that point to the same thing.

Understanding the Concept of God Essence is in the next chapter ... I took note on the importance of dis-identifying in that one especially. This attachment to self importance is really the essence of suffering.

Here's the link to the first extract for now:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax1cTQA1sE8&feature=youtu.be


Here's the one I found last night that lead me back to my audio book:

Eckhart Tolle - Trust The PAIN In Your Life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCMunBFFY_A
This one is very good for helping to understand FEELING the pain ... Letting go ... Observing and so on ...

Have to go check out a new place to live ... Back later guys. Hope some of you get something out of it. I am getting a lot each time I revisit Tolle's Teaching. I think I will write more later in these things.

Adios ... Until next post.

[Ponder]

Just another day passing by. Here is another interesting extract from "The Power of Now:"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pry1TmGemJY&feature=youtu.be

One can surrender without the need for submission. The very use of the such texts reveals much of the hypocrisy within such religions. Interesting stuff. Learning to see ourselves as our own Gods gives rise to a complete new way of living. Total freedom for having to obtain anything - it's becomes more about sharing and giving. Sadly, this world is more about having and taking. It's good to see scripture taken and used the way it is; in this presentation. ;)

PS - Whilst his book is about spiritual enlightenment to some degree ... and despite the religious text he draws from ... the theme is far from religious. This book is all about breaking free from our Egoric Minds. Reveals much of the sickness we all suffer - the pain body from individual suffering to the residual effect spread across society and how it's destroying our world. Moreover, he presents how we can free ourselves without the need for external sources. The Power of Now.

[Ponder]

This one is just a 10 minute burst on the Egoric Mind:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0es3nlZ3z0&feature=youtu.be

Forgive the dyslexic spelling mistakes. :) Still taking notes on this stuff and will be for some time into the future. I love this stuff.

Anyways ... In the process of packing up house ... among other things; specially procrastinating, but doing so without too much worry.

Today I think I will repot the plants I bought a whiles back. Come to think of it, I will do that now and see if I can get in a walk before heading into town to see my oldest daughter. On that note, I am looking forward to seeing my other daughter and grandchild for a 2 weekish stay over December.

Best get moving ... I catch up soon.

Oh yea ... have been having fun with various phone apps. Mobile gaming to my mini projector and using Bluetooth keyboard to max out my phones capability. It's really amazing some of the apps that our now being run off mobile phones.

I share some of that later ... should make a thread in the general on mobile apps or or gaming. IMO that eco game I thought was going to be a hit, completely changed the dynamics into a world bent on economic control, therefore I'm no longer into that. Good news is, I am loving some of the phone games of late. Not overly, but enough to simply enjoy ;)

Catch up later ... have a good all ... you too Davy Boy!

[Im-Suffering]

Have you already found a new place to live?

[Ponder]

Nope. We are used to it though Marc. I am looking forward to moving this time.

It's will be a good experience I think. More than 30+ times for us now.

Although we made 2 years in this spot. We are moving by choice. That helps.

I will reveal some of the options as they come to light.

Thanks for asking ...I do hope you are doing well. :)

[Im-Suffering]

Yep good to catch up. Will read your future updates here.

[Ponder]

Just got back from looking at a place today. We are in no great rush this time, therfore knocking places back that are either too much to maintain, down to the simple thinks like no bath tub. :)

Idealy we would like to try a flat instead of a house, but will wait until our pet dog max passes on. It will be no more pets for us after that. At least not for some time. We still have issues with our kids comming back. lol - we do what we can.
_____________________
How about Win 10's latest update. Now our Operating Systems resemble our phones. Full of crap we not only need, but can also not uninstall.

I am later looking into Linux - yet again - however with a great passion this time around. I also going to Root my phone regardless of it still being in warranty. There are apps in store than can hide disable all that BS lagging out and sucking the battery from my phone. I will also be using other apps that will make the warning of other apps not working correctly through disabling rather mute.

So - between all the fun and games of installing and learning more new things - I will have plenty to further stimulate me. Keep my mind from complaining about those things I can instead control.

Iattempted somthing like this a whiles back ... but is always the way with me until it finally sinks in.

Bit like the healthy eating, which I am pleased to say is still going well.

Righto - that's the update for you thus far.

What's been happeing with you????????????????

[Ponder]

Well - That was a smooth install. I had win 10 pop up during the factory restore, which allowed me to by pass the Laptop manufacturers BS options. That was awesome!!! Untick Untick and More Unticks! It really is a pain having to download programs to uninstall others. I even got the option to untick a lot of WIN 10 BS as well.

None the less - I am done with having to read extensively every page during an install just to untick invasive software I did not request or even need. Therefore I am still passionate about researching a Linux Distro that will suit my PC needs.

So far I am tending to break away from Ubuntu. I once liked them for their ease, however they seem to be more corporate and governed by money these days. The fact that one now has to untick in Ubuntu or manually turn off default search engines that relate to amazon I find quite indicative of moniterization. I actually have a lot of reading to do in order to find the right distro for me. I want to avoid main stream, yet don't want to fall into a trap of device driver issues. The more I can learn, the more I can avoid mainstream fancy advertising and BS invasive apps. The more command line theory I can understand the better. I'm even relearning HDD theory to sort our mutli boot options and better understand the process of hacking my phone.

Just thinking out loud. Time to finish downloading and installing supporting software for this OS first.

That was pretty much my day today.

are you not using Linux Marc? Which one you using and are you using it now ... is Linux your primary OS?

Adios until next post. ;)

[Ponder]

__________________________________________________ ______

Good Day's Work. Finally got a Linux Distro running on my laptop along side Windows:
__________
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/698/22816385493_ef0515374a_z.jpg

I ended up going with Fedora. So far, Bluetooth, Sound, HDMI Out and most all else is up an running. No issues with Wifi. I am really impressed actually. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz. I'm still to test hooking up my phone and will need to research some video codecs and see what my options are for video play back on the like.

I think I will join some Fedora Forum for all that kind of help.

In the mean time, my next project will be to root my phone and may consider putting Linux on it.

I still have a fresh copy of windows 10 - but aiming to make Linux my staple now. Whilst gaming has come a long way with Linux (steam/valve) ... this latest venture will give me a much needed break from gaming and whilst still a lot to learn, I think I will of now provided the route I now need to break away from the com in order to facilitate what must be done in order to move.

Little bit by little bit.

Here is a link to the guide I followed. I can confirm it worked well for me. The only thing I had to do that was not mentioned, was go into bios and disable some of the boot up options - IpV4 and 6 ... disabled those and enabled UEFI ... (actually one guy mentioned it in the comments)

All you need to do Use the Links in the description, have a USB drive and make sure your bios is set to load UEFI (disable Ipv4&6) --- Helps if your HDDs are running a UEFI - just confim that by checking in Disk Management ... if your C drive is labeled as EFI ... then you should be right ... if not, you will have to follow another guide.

Here is that How To Guide:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWs_DwqH6sQ

Night Folks. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Im-Suffering]

This may seem weird, but I finally broke free of windows and Mac!!

I bought a chromebook and haven't looked back. Except the memories of malware and all that crap. I use Google docs and sometimes would like to download things but oh well :)

[Ponder]

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/670/23406967022_c4d2dbd0e2_o.jpg

Do you not have internet connection? I've been a bit caught up of late. I've got some reading to do. Hoping to put a linux system on my phone next.

Nohting much else happening, other than breaks from the computer to do chores, make a few meals and the odd bouts of packing up house. We still have a month before moving. The last several months to a year half empty the house, with, selling, dumping, and or given away. It should be less effort to move this time. We are still going to continue lightning the load for a whilst yet.

If I could dual boot Linux with android, that would make for an interesting setup. I could practice the Linux command lines and use the android os for gaming. Give me something to switch from when waiting around for appointments.

Moving house plans going along AOK - and have some healthy distraction for now. Diet still on track ... going well actually. I'm losing weight having increased my activity level. I have enough to burn yet.

That's it ... back to resource scouring.
Later.

[Ponder]

Complaint against Child Safety QLD - Part One:
Queensland Ombudsman
GPO Box 3314
Brisbane Q 4001
Dear Sir/Madam
This is a complaint is made to the Ombudsman in regards to the inactions/actions of Child Safety,
that are causing further risk to the child by victimising the non-abusive parent. I have upgraded this
complaint to the Ombudsman as the Child Safety CMS service has not responded to my complaint in
the allotted time frame.
Father: -----------------
DOB: -------
Address: ------------
Mother: -------------
DOB: -----------------
Address: ----------------
Child: -----------------
DOB: -------
Address: ----------

Maternal Grandparents: David & Lisa -----------
Address: ------------------
Phone: ---------------------
History of Case & Current actions:
 -------'s history of 2-3 relationships has all been abusive to varying degrees.
 ------------ & ---------- met in 2010 when------ was just 16 and ------ was 24.
 The relationship was purely sexual & kept secret and he would pick ------- up and drop her
off down the end of the street
 ------------ fell pregnant to ---- in 2013.
 ------- was to move to ------ with us in January 2014, however decided to move in
with --------- and stay in ---------.
 We met ----- for the first time whilst we assisted ------- to move in with him in December
2013.
 In February 2014 we began getting messages from ------- about the DV abuse. ---- punched
a hole in the wall and pushed her over. Not giving her a key to the house, not putting her on
the lease. Calling her names and denigrating her.
 ------- advised us ---- kept a Machete & Hunting Knives on top of the door frame and a
Baseball bat behind the Door.
 ----- was born 5 weeks premature on 17 May 2014.
 Whilst I was visiting ------ in Hospital, after the birth, I witnessed ----- hit his then 3 year old
Son (Alex) excessively and for no reason that would constitute discipline. ------- did not
want me to report this to Child Safety and against my better judgement, I did not.
 In July 2014 ---- threw a Knife towards ---- whilst she was holding 2 month old ------ .
No Police were called. We were not made aware of this incident until months later.
Page 2 of 6
 In August 2014, during an argument with -------- , ------- messaged me afraid and locked in her
room. I called the Police. A DV referral was made.
 The DV continued, this included abuse against ------ other children (------ & -----)
depriving ------ of Food, medical & Financial support. ----- advised ------ that at 6 months
old ----- was getting old enough to “Smack” now.
 In November 2014 ------ left ----- and called us to assist her. She moved in with us in the
------ Bay area.
 December 2014 ----- lodged a private application for a DVO which was opposed by ----
and was granted after a hearing, where ----- was found to be an unreliable and evasive
witness.
 December 2014 Reports made to Child Safety by ------ and others.
 Feb – May 2015 – ------ attends DV Counselling & Positive parenting Course.
 In May 2015 Family Court hearing in ------- , which ------ was the respondant. She
was ordered to attend in person, regardless of the DVO, distance, lack of support etc.
Interim orders were made that ----- was to have supervised access ONLY at a contact centre
on the Sunshine Coast and a family court reporter by appointed. ----- was to do Positive
parenting Course and Anger management, which were never done.
 June 2015 ------- was coerced by ----- to cancel DVO
 July 2015 ------ moved back in with ---- . Family Court proceedings were ceased.
 August 2015 we were advised by mother (----- --------) of ----- 11 Year old
Daughter (Brittney) that ----- was hitting the child ------ (15 months old) whilst ------ was
in the shower. ------ suffering Anxiety attacks at school due to her fear of ----- , she no
longer visits with him. Reports made to Child Safety. ------- refused to believe these
allegations.
 August/September 2015 reports made to Child Safety
 September 2015 – CPIU called us to get information about the relationship and details of the
incidents as they advised me they had received a report from another agency.
 October 2015 ------- left ------ again. She advised me they were constantly fighting and
arguing.
 Approx. 4th November 2015 - Child Safety contacts ------- about ------ . Advises her that they
are acting on a report made to them about a month ago. The day after they advise ----- by
telephone that they have concerns about the children in ----- care and will be talking to -----.
Child safety instructed ------ to seek DV Counselling.
 6
th November 2015 – regardless of Child Safety concerns ------- send ---- to visit -----. This is
------ first unsupervised overnight visit with ------ . ------- never left ----- alone with -----
overnight in the past even when they were together.
 7
th November 2015 - The child (-------) returns with large hard print (-------) on lower back.
Spanning from finger prints on upper buttocks to the palm print on Kidney region. Definitely
not a “smack” on Buttocks. (Photos supplied) reports made to police on this evening by
mother.
 8
th November 2015 – Mother takes child to see doctor (-------- Medical Centre,
--------) as advised by the police to record injuries.
 9
th November 2015 - Notification by us and other mandatory reports made to Child Safety.
 10th November 2015 - Child Safety advises ------- not to allow ----- access to child.
Page 3 of 6
 Approx. 19th November – ------- goes to Hospital with Suspected appendicitis has no-one to
care for ------ as she has no support in ------ . ----- stays with her in Hospital for 6
Hours. We began driving from ------ Bay to assist her, however ended up having to take my
husband to hospital with Bowel Pain & Bleeding. That same evening ------ begins contacting
------ asking to see the child. ------ advised him that he will not be seeing ----- until after a
court hearing, and that Child Safety have visited and instructed her to do so. ----- did not
believe her and advised he has not been contacted by Child Safety at all. His continued
messages expressed to her that he is depressed and making her feel guilty for withholding
the child from him for “No Reason”.
 ------- becoming secretive and isolating herself from us. We have fears she is allowing
access with ------ . She adamantly denies this is happening. However she told us this the first
time she went back to ---- . Notified Child Safety of these concerns regarding ------- lack of
support, ----- contacting her advising he knows nothing of Child Safety involvement and my
concerns of her allowing ---- access to ----- because of this.
 23rd or 24th November 2015 further complaints made to Child Safety about their inactions &
escalated within the department. Spoke with ------- at ------ Regional Office.
 25th November 2015 escalated complaint to Child Safety Complaints department (CMS).
Officer was very abrupt and seemed to threaten me with words to the effect “If you keep
pushing we will just have to put the child into Foster Care”. She said someone else will get
back to me.
 28th November 2015 – called again to check when someone would get back to me and was
advised within 5 days from original complaint date, 25th November 2015.
 2
nd December 2015 – 5 days later – No Response/Contact from Child Safety CMS
 5
th December 2015 – Still no response from Child Safety CMS
What action has not been taken by Child Safety putting the child at further risk?
Child Safety has not approached or spoken with the father who is the one who abused the child.
How do we know this?
The father is contacting the mother wanting to see the child. She has advised him that Child Safety
told her not to allow access. He does not believe her, told her no-one has contacted him and
continues to contact her asking for access.
As the father continues to make this claim and Child Safety refuses to confirm or deny his claims, in
the best interests of the child, we must assume that the father is telling the truth.
How has the action/inaction of Child Safety put the Child at Risk?

[Ponder]

Part Two:

 By not seeing the father Child Safety have put the Child at Risk because;
o Until someone tells the father what he did was wrong, he will continue to plead
ignorance and continue to abuse his children in this manner.
o A plea of ignorance could allow for a much more lenient sentencing if further and/or
more serious abuse was to occur.
o The father will continue to contact the mother to see the child, making her feel
guilty for the situation and coerce her into breaching child safety’s directions. This
Page 4 of 6
action by the mother is most likely since she is a victim of DV and easily coerced by
the abuser, without support of others.
o The mother will be seen as a “Hostile Parent” in the eyes of the Family Court for
withholding the child from the father; due to the fact the father claims he has no
knowledge of Child Safety’s involvement.
o The Family Court will not take the claims of child abuse seriously as child Safety,
although advising the mother not to allow access, did not take any action against or
give any notification whatsoever to the abuser (father) of the child.
o The father has not been recommended to attend any classes to re-educate him in
the correct/safe way to discipline his children or assessed him to see if he requires
other forms of intervention/treatment. The child will be at a higher risk of being
abused as soon as the Family Court orders access to re-commence.
o As the best interests of the child are to remain in the care of a parent who is able to
protect the child from any future abuse or risk of abuse, by not approaching the
father, Child Safety are inadvertently victimising the mother. Child Safety is giving
power to the abusive father/partner and allowing him to continue the emotional
abuse & control through his contact with the mother continuing to request to see
the child. This adds to the risk of the mother allowing the father access to the child,
which would ultimately end up with the child being removed from the mothers care.
o Child Safety is allowing the Domestic Violence Cycle to continue by not taking any
action at all against the aggressor to advise him of the circumstances they have been
made aware of and the restrictions they have advised the mother to implement
regarding -----'s access with him.
What impact has this had on the Mother?
 Mother is being victimised:
o She has been told to seek DV Counselling – Which she has.
o She has been warned by child safety to withhold the child from father
visitations or the child may be removed from her care. She is finding this
difficult as the father seems to have no knowledge of Child Safety
involvement.
o Without the fathers’ knowledge of Child Safety Involvement, withholding
the child will impact the mother negatively in the family court.
o The father is currently intimidating her to see the child, by making her feel
guilty for the situation.
o The mother is being put in a situation where if she;
 withholds the child she risks losing custody of the Child through the
Family Court
 Allows the father visitation she risks losing the child to Child Safety
o She has been left unsure of the fathers guilt which has blurred her
perception of the abuse due to the father not be reproached by Child Safety
or the Police. This is allowing the father to coerce the mother into allowing
him access to the child.
Page 5 of 6
 The mother will not initiate contact with support services as she feels that Child
Safety & Police have not taken the abuse seriously as no charges or admonishment
of the fathers actions have been taken.
 Allowing the father of the child to continue his emotional abuse of the mother,
putting her in a position to be coerced into returning to him or allowing the child to
visit him.
What impact has this had on the Father?
 Nothing:
o Allows him to continue to believe this treatment of children is permitted
o Allows him to continue inflicting this abuse on his other Child
o Allows him to continue his Domestic Violence through coercion and control of the
mother of the child.
o Allows him to dominate and become the applicant of Family Court proceedings.
What impact has this had on other Family members?
 ------ other Son “------------” 5 years Old, is still at risk of abuse whilst
visiting the father.
 Causing undue stress on extended family and doubt between the mother and maternal
grandparents of the child. Due to not knowing whether the father has been contacted or not
mother is indicating to maternal grandparents that the situation mustn’t be that bad as they
haven’t even bothered to contact the father.
 Maternal Grandparents phone complaints to Child Safety about inaction minimised and told
we were not “privy” to know if they had visited the father or not. One officer threatening “if
you keep pushing it we will just have to take the child off her and put him in Foster Care”
and another officer stating “Well I think the mother just needs to go see her GP”, implying
the GP could fix the situation with medication.
What we want to accomplish from this complaint:
 Child Safety to visit the father and:
o Advise him that the harm he inflicted on the child is wrong.
o instruct the father to attend “Positive Parenting Classes” or similar
o Instruct the father to attend a Men’s Domestic Violence and Prevention Program.
o Interview and Assess the case with the relationship & DV history in mind to minimise
further risk by applying for a DVO to protect mother & child and/or criminal charges.
 Provide the mother with a written report she can use in the Family Court to verify her
withholding of the child from the father was with the support of child safety.
 Due to the 500KM distance between maternal grandparents and mother, dependence on
Child Safety to support the mother to protect the child is paramount, in light of the
continued pressure being placed on the mother by the father to have access to the child.
 A review of Child Safety policies in regards to the role of Child Safety providing and
preventing further abuse occurring by the re-education of the abusive parent/s in
appropriate ways of disciplining children and other preventing other violent abusive
behaviours, such as Domestic Violence.
Page 6 of 6
 A review of Child Safety policies in regards to disclosing information that is not of a personal
nature to family members that can assist in alleviating the families concerns of action being
taken regarding the child’s safety and prevention of further risk.
Conclusion:
The choice not to advise/assess/interview the father in regards to the harm inflicted on Joseph and
the action and instruction they have given to the mother has led to:
 Child Safety is inadvertently giving the father more influence to continue to DV towards
------ by way of Control & Coercion of the situation as he continues to brag he has done
nothing wrong because no-one has told him otherwise.
 ------- being victimised and unsupported by Child Safety leaving her in a situation whereby
she feels uncertain of whom she can trust or seek support from.
 Risk of ongoing abuse towards the child by the father escalating due to the father not being
reprimanded and/or educated on appropriate and alternative ways to discipline a child.
 Risk of mother returning with child into DV situation with father permanently or sending the
child for access due to feeling like the seriousness of the situation has been minimised.
In light of the current Domestic Violence crises in Australia, the response by Child Safety QLD to
protect ------- and support the mother has been inadequate in protecting the future risk of abuse to
the child, ------ , victimising the non-abusive parent and encouraging a case of Domestic Violence to
continue.
Yours Faithfully
David & Lisa ----------

[Ponder]

It's takes quite a lot of insight and contemplation and no doubt elements of personal conflict and contention. Not enough people speak up and those that do are too easily fobbed off with policy and procedure. The trick is to continue following up the complaints until such point you know you have done as you can. I think the complaint comes across without much of the toxicity that often ensues from such negligent services.

The values placed on each case and action taken, has more to do about a persons place withing the societal ladder. Some of us are required to push a little harder in order to see any justice done.

It's not so much about complaining, but more about speaking out.

"...and they wonder why the number of domestic violence murders are growing exponentially in this country and others."

Righto --- time to root my phone.

[Ponder]

BINGO!!! It was no easy task finding a guide for my phones region, let alone build model/base band version (not displayed in the pic) Ip providers do NOT want people to have freedom from the market. FUCK THEM ... if they can't even protect my grandchild, then like I am going to give two fucks!!! It's not illegal to root your phone at any rate. It's what you do with a rooted phone that counts. Whilst other might get caught up in a bind, I love the freedom it gives.


https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5831/22903207693_a58eb49354_c.jpg

Warranty is now void, however, I do know how to undo and restore factory default. The hurdle for me is sticking with learning a new language. Baby steps. Next trick is to see if I can multi boot a Linux OS off my phone. That would be awesome. :)

I reset to make sure I was still route as many have been complaining about loosing root after powering down, and or after an update. Touch Wood for now. Might uninstall all those BS apps and see if they no longer update. That will be the test.

Adios Until next post.

[cloudy black]

boyz n their toys! :eek:

[Ponder]

Hi Cloudy. :) It's been a good distraction for the most part.

Hope you have been well?

[cloudy black]

hello Ponder i seem to be going up and down mode wise today. ive got some beers on standby for later on...well i do hope the computer is what it needs to be!

[Ponder]

May be the up and down will burn help to burn off the beers? Hope they went down well.

Things are stabilizing this end. Just going to do a quick entry in my weight loss journal then head out for a walk whilst trying out some new read aloud apps on my phone.

Hope all is as well as can be peeps.

Don't be strangers now. ;)

[Ponder]

May I ask Marc ... Hows the new Dynamic at your place going?

[cloudy black]

hic, burp. well i am nicely numb. ready to face another day in paradise... i just wish i had another few beers in!!!!

[cloudy black]

May be the up and down will burn help to burn off the beers?
Don't be strangers now. ;)

i dont really like myself at the mo. when i get into this mind set. and yesterday i was triggered and i needed to have a "controlled implosion" last night i guess. dont come from a background where emotions were allowed much less expressed. even a forum like this and i feel bad for being like this. o dear better pull my shite together im due out shortly to do my bit.

[Dahila]

Cloudy Black forget about your background and start working on new you. Suppressed emotions causes stress, anxiety
Hi Dave, I am reading:)

[cloudy black]

hi Dahila dont seem to be able to get beyond my past and not through want of trying. everything is just a blur and it has been for the longest time.

[Ponder]

Hi Dahila, TY for acknowledgement. Always nice to know your still looking in on me. :) Very much so. I do hope all is well your end. That's good advice you offer up there. I understand Clouds response well and feel the same. I can only add just how much of a chore it can be, when the world is so intent on not letting us forget.

Anyways - I'm glad you have found some space for yourself in here cloud and your welcome to it as far as I am concerned. I might even have a small drop of something myself when I feel I have the space and recovery for it.

___________

I've still been racking my brain with the whole Linux thing. Whilst I am yet to install a Linux distro on my phone, I did install a well know open source program called GIMP. Details can be found on that by clicking on the photo:
My Current Mobile Computing Setup:

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5720/23227057769_e8b7982171_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/BouK4g)

I reduce the weight and pack up size by swapping out the lithium speakers for wired/bluteotooth ear phones. Also making up a 24inch min projector screen (roll out/folding) would greatly reduce weight and pack size over my 45inch one. (Pictured) The amount of wi/fi connectivity and bluetooth devices can suck the life out of the phones battery. Thankfully my Galaxy S5 is a breeze to pop the back cover and inset a separate battery. Adding to that concept I also use a 16amp 5V - 2.5Ah output via several USB ports. It's a little brick like device that phone is currently sitting on in the pick (Battery Bank Obscured by phone) - It runs my phone, the speaker and a few others things all day whilst devices being used at full capacity.

The projector I uses is an Asus S1 short throw unti. Important if you want to sit up close with your gear. It can however throw a bright enough screen up to 90 inches whilst on AC - I am happy on Battery mode watching movies in a darkish room at 60 inches. I typically get up to 3 hours of play time on battery mode. (something lacking in most pico projectors!!!) What it lacks in connectivity it makes up for in power and battery time. (comparable to pico projectors that is - short throw is really useful - [as to keystone correction which I don't have on mine - but worth the compromise imo with my selected model]) As noted on pic details, resolution can be an issue. It's important to match the Projectors output native res. Much easier to read on screen text when matching Native Rez of display device. My phone actually outputs well to it, generally does a good job and when you have the ability to change resolution; that's even better.

Bla bla bla bla ... is the nature of how I throw myself into selecting tools and evolving my needs. The wife and kids bought me a bluetooth controller to turn the phone into a gaming console. Have to wait until Dec 25 or 25th for that. (Don't know what day it is today or when such hyped up days are suppose to hit?)

The bluetooth is a cheap Toshiba with its on transiever - like the keyboard I picked up in some grocery store. Such peripheral freedom is not something you can do with Apple Products. Not unless you root your phone ... bla bla bla bla. I avoid such corp at all costs, although stuck with one like them called testra. ISP that dominates coverage out of city areas. We use their services very sparingly and advocate against them for the most part. When I say we, I just mean my wife and I bitch about them a lot. :)
___________________________________________

Righto - just got side track and lost the plot. Wife and Son called me out to check out the large snake in the shed. GOOD - it's a decent sized python that will keep away the more DEADLY ones! Took a few snaps and will post later. Still thinking on what I was talking about.

Oh yea - Minecraft is awesome on my phone with the blue tooth mouse and keyboard. Might show a video of that yet and the setup in general. Not that I know how to present or do tutorials ... just might kill some time and so hello. Bee a whiles since I uploaded a Vblog.

ANYHOWS - I think I will go for a walk. Weight wise I am still doing well. 21kg down now.

Have to go to town later and pick up some bracket a joinery place is modelling for me. The braces under our heavy duty dinning table have given in under all the constant moving we often endure. The ass holes could not even do the drilling, cuts only. I tell ya, fucking services today are so complacent, impersonal and fixated on rushing time. Only used them because I did not have the equipment for cutting precision angles. Sigh.....

I go do some of that walking ... I guess I have been a little manic with Linux of late. Had a good session with my mentor friend ... he still comes to visit and I was grateful he still comes. I am a bit confused as to my continuing involvement with that service, but won't take liberties ... or at least try not to with regard to that.

OK OK - time to go now.

Remind to to post the pick of my new Pet Snake. Narrrr ... would never deem such creatures as pets. But remind me in case I forget.

Peace Out ...


Until Next post. Have a good one guys ... Lurker Too : )

[Ponder]

Righto - I remembered.
Slide show link not working, but you'll see the album ;)


http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/0_zpszdnysal2.jpg

(https://flic.kr/s/aHskpVdgb9)https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5720/23508774222_8232d15560_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/BPoBxu)


Large enough to take down small feral cats of wandering pets. I often hear the neighbours complain out loud whilst on their phone - "The neighbours cut their grass again and the snakes are out and about!" I gently negotiated the exiting of a young brown snake last season, but other than that, I think this python is doing a good job keep most of the dangerous ones at bay ... also I like how I don't see other peoples pets wandering about in my shed.

Anyways - we'll soon be gone from this place. I hope the new tenants leave this snake alone ... leave him be. I once chased off a young python but later regretted it, remembering how they are actually good snakes for keeping others at bay. Glad to know he is around. Looks like this one is well fed.
__________________________________________________ ______

Time to get back to repairing our Dinning Table so we can make a few bucks on that whilst lightening our load. Too heavy for me to cart about these days!

[cloudy black]

there isnt a smiley for yawning is there?! oh gosh i have stayed awake til 4am before now and thats bad enough but on occaision i can stay awake until 7am. hoping tonight is not one of them


obtw snake is very impressive!

[jessed03]

Ponder, liking the set up! Makes the laptop resting on my bed look boring... LOL

I've been following this thread, even though I haven't had much of a chance to post. The talk of Linux has tempted me to give it a try. I'm a big fan of simplicity. With Windows I just feel there's too much unnecessary clutter, ya know?

I'm downloading the torrent now. Can't wait to give it a whirl.

Pics of that snake are beautiful, btw. Another of nature's misunderstood creatures. Although part of me's glad I'm not at risk of bumping into him when rummaging through the shed. We're terribly sheltered here in Britain!

Cloudy Back - Don't think I've been on a thread with you yet. How's it going? Always good to see new faces pop in these timeless threads!

[Ponder]

Hi Jesse. I ended up going with Ubuntu 14.04 in the end. It is the best one to get started with. Much much easier than other distro's. The other forums are a bit tight in the ass as well. Go to run, will explain what I mean later.

What distro did you end up downloading?

[jessed03]

Hi Jesse. I ended up going with Ubuntu 14.04 in the end. It is the best one to get started with. Much much easier than other distro's. The other forums are a bit tight in the ass as well. Go to run, will explain what I mean later.

What distro did you end up downloading?

Of course mate. No sweat.

I started with the free Win 10 upgrade. Didn't like that at all, so looked at Linux Mint. Haven't made any changes at the moment though, so will have to take a look at Ubuntu if you say it's easier.

I'll chat to you when you've got more time, anyway!

[Ponder]

Been working on the Dinning Table most of the day. Repairs have come along really good. I am happy to sell for more money now. I generally don't sell garbage.
___________________________

Got some free time now.

About LINUX:
Mint is a good choice too. I think I read some articles claiming it'[s even easier than Ubuntu; however I have my own thoughts on that.

I'm going to waffle on a bit now. Mostly because I need a review/considate the information I have retained thus far and the whole Linux "thing"
_________________________

Reducing clutter on the desktop is one thing, but more so defining one's needs from an Operating System is just as important. The more I am reading about Linux, the more I am coming to understand that just how important work space can be. The different distributions of Linux, offer up different layouts and controls with the different Graphical User Interface’s / GUI's.

I never really understand all the talk about Gnome vs KDE. Now I am comming to understand more after reading/listening to [text to speach] the following book:
/home/dave/Documents/eBooks/Ebooks/Linux/0 - General Overview/Linux_For_Dummies_9th Edition.pdf

I believe this is the Link I used to download from that book from -> http://www.it-docs.net/ddata/478.pdf

incidentally - if you have an android phone (maybe apple) try out this awesome text to speech app called "@Voice Aloud Reader" -> Click Here (https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.hyperionics.avar&hl=en).

It works well with My Samsung Text To Speech High Quality Voices. (imo better than Googles) srry to go off topic but is really a valuable tool to have. I don't even mind the old school text to speech voices, so just knowing you can use the more "Naturally" sounding voices and control so much more functions with the above app (@Voice Aloud Reader) ... you will be able to take so much more in. Before I was relying on Audio Books, which is quite limiting with regard to $$$ and time spent on sourcing torrents - as too availability of up to date text. This app I am now into, lets me pull anything from email, to web articles and general cut and past. I have text to speech in google reader, kindle and so on, however that app is so customizable on the quality of speech playback, that I now find myself importing books from both Google and Kindle. I do have to compromise in a contents page, but still only working out the app.

Srry Off track .... Back to choosing Desktop Environments:
Damn it ... hmmmm I hit enter and rethink. Where was I????

[Ponder]

Yea Yea - I also read some GUI's mimic more windows and others Mac ... I did not mind the Fedora Setup with Gnome. Most of the variable DE (desktop Enviro's) are available in other Linux Distributions, however some may have more limitations than others depending on the required "Dependencies" and compatibility of OS/GUI/Sub systems or bla bla core/kernel one is using. Like I said, still learning myself.

NOW HERE IS THE THING - for me ........ The Fedora Forum was Useless when it came to asking for guidance. Linux forums at the best of times can be rather limiting. Another topic in itself! It was a complete waste of time from a perspective as a newbie (...and I have some experience with PC's) Many of the old timers do not want more people jumping on board. They like to keep things difficult to keep the numbers down. Like I said ... another story. I actually picked up on a few podcasts that the Fedora forums and others like them could be a bit of a chore for those just beginning.

The of course, I don't have the tolerance for arrogance ... and there is a LOT of that in places like them. Ubuntu seems to have more people willing hand out more than just a few strings. They also have the largest software support with loads and loads of repositories and eas to install dependencies well laid out in their software manager app. MINT accesses the same sources, so no issues there.

The reason I did not choose Mint, was mostly because of the issues I had trying to join their forum. I even think you might have to have Mint Installed to join? At any rate ... it was not a good sign. I will not participate in a forum that comes across as us and them/clicky/flag flyers and all the BS. Again - Ubuntu seems to care less ... in fact It's kind of the opposite ... getting too big. There in lay the problem. Very hard to have the best of both worlds. Whilst Ubuntu are seemingly going more mobile - Unity Interface [I think that's what that is all about? ... which I can only see leading to micro transactions ... and more and more cooperate $$$$ turnings ... I think for now, it's still my best option to set up what I need for now and learn along the way. Then when I better understand how to bring all the elements of what a computer OS is really all about and redefining my needs within that, I can better make the shift into something of my own. In fact , there is a ditro I want to aim for that allows a knowledgeable Linux User to Create their own Linux Distribution or OS ... kind of thing. Arch Linux - But I am a ways off that. https://www.archlinux.org/

Here is a good link that explains much better than me ... when looking to decide what Distro to choose:
http://lifehacker.com/5889950/how-to-find-the-perfect-linux-distribution-for-you
_________________________________________

Might gell out with some youtube Tutorial on Command Line.
I'll Link a few other good books that I have as well. Bit later.

Take care man.

[Ponder]

Thanks for the opportunity for me to go over that stuff ... I might try out KDE as well. Fedora lets you switch from one desktop mode to the other ... but again ... I might just install that one separate and learn as I go. The Fedora forum is fucking useless for newbies is all.

[cloudy black]

Cloudy Back - Don't think I've been on a thread with you yet. How's it going? Always good to see new faces pop in these timeless threads!

just come back from helping out with the christmas lunch for 56 which we serve in 20 mins flat. oh and the clearing up afterwards. i feel like the engine is off but still running!!!!!. nice to speak to you jessed03

[jessed03]

Nice write up, P. Thanks for that dude.

I've been looking at Ubuntu this avo, and I like the look of it a lot. I think I'm going to go with that over Mint, at least for now. I'm a big fan of the Ubuntu environment (I think that's what the call the desktop, right?)

You're on the money with the forums. It's like a boys club where no-one else is welcome to join unless they can pass strict initiation. Sadly some parts of the programming world are very snobbish.

I'm gonna have something to eat then read that Lifehacker link. Should help me decide. I've only had Win 10 for 24 hours and I'm already desperate to leave. That free upgrade still wasn't worth the money LOL!

Quick question regarding browsers: Which which browser do you use at the moment. Which one's your favourtie?

I'm only just waking up to the fact that the defaults we're given on our comps usually aren't the best available.

Appreciate the info. Will catch up with you again soon after some reading!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ Cloudy black:

Wow, were given penance by the priest or something :p

Christmas lunch for 56 sounds manic.

I'm out of the loop a little here. It's been a while since I've logged on. Was that at a school, charity event, something like that?

[Ponder]

Yea, that's sounds real busy there Cloud. I hope you find some quality space and recharge for your next bout.

Great Question Jesse. I'm going with Firefox for now. Whilst Chrome has some pretty good add blockers, it's just too much on the sync for me. Syncing whilst it may appear very convenient is just another form of control. Kind of makes add blocking mute. In a nut shell, Firefox has a lot it can do, however ... like Linux, it takes some learning with the add-ons and customizable. It's actually the most customizable of all web browsers. I can access most of my Google apps thorough Firefox. Making Google my homepage brings up the google side apps, however I am happy to have my Gmail set up straight to my desktop through evolution (the Linux equivalent of Microsoft outlook) and or a simple pop up at the top of my screen. My reading apps I will sort on my desktop and pretty much learning to use Calibre for all my reading requirements. I can sync with an app to my phone without the need for 24/7 Google sync connectivity. Again - Google is turning people into surrogates like off that sci-fi movie for my liking.

Whilst right now I am undergoing a huge mental masturbation period of learning a whole new system, I am doing it to cut myself off all the BS influencing, perception management and what not. I think Linux allows that for those willing to learn more the nuts and bolts. One step at a time. Working out the Desktop setup is first step for me. I actually like the look of mint's old school windows look. Back to basics!!!

I believe you can set up KDE on Ubuntu which I am going to try. I am not a big fan of the Mac look which Gnome seems to be more like. I think I will designate a few folders on my desktop if not use KDE to give more a list with sub list read out. I think I will prefer less Icons and more tables that come out from the side. Again, I think KDE might be the shot for that.

There is a couple of chapters just on that topic with the PDF link I put up a few posts back. The Linux Dummies Guide 9th edition. The snobs over at Fedora laughed at my mention of that book, however I have found it an AWESOME resource for a newbie like me.
_____________________________________

Not to sure what I will end up with ... atm I have a lot of stuff to do with moving and all. I wish I had more time to learn all this stuff. Yet another reason I went with Ubuntu ... 14.04 found all my drives bar my wireless printer. That one I am going to have to join the forum and get some help with. Will let you know how that experience goes when I get around to it. I need to start printing out some guide sheets and put on the wall in front of me, or just hand write up some sticky notes installing, updating and that kind of thing.

Best get some more work down for this move yet to come.

Take care guys.
adios until next post.

[Ponder]

PS - I'll tell you this much ... Since going to Linux ... fuck its been so much more peaceful navigating about the place. No BS free-ware adds and or having to uninstal this and that. Nothing to untick as much as I thought ... the only thing I have to remove is my own mistakes. :) Firefox is a little slower, however that too has been so much more quieter!!! Again, don't let the add blocks fool you as Google is actually quite invasive on a LOT of other fronts ... beep beep beep , notification, beep beep ... " do you know such and such ... how about this or that course ... rar rar rar ... They just sell the idea of freedom while taking yours at the same time.

I'm just sticking with the bare minmum when it comes to google .. like the search engine. As for other apps, I am learning to go minimal ... as is the aim with whatever desktop I go. I'll screen shot in the weeks ahead ;)

again ... take care.

[Dahila]

Imagine guys, I had installed Ubuntu years ago and was running it for like a year, haveing at the same time XP (I hated with all my heart) then W7 came, my son build a brand new computer for me, and installed W7, that's the end of my Ubuntu expierence but it took me in and I love it, even every 5 minutes I had to go to xp and google the question What next, then next it was I believe 6 or 7 years ago. Next i must learn Gimp:))
Greeting to you all ;)

[cloudy black]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ Cloudy black:

Wow, were given penance by the priest or something :p

Christmas lunch for 56 sounds manic.

I'm out of the loop a little here. It's been a while since I've logged on. Was that at a school, charity event, something like that?

it was a Christmas meal for the community via the church have done it for a number of years and i just tick over with it but this year its really triggered a kinda burn out and wot with the 2 days previous sorting out lots of food ive reached chinese crested dog look!
www.petful.com/funny/funniest-dog-breeds-photos-weird/

[cloudy black]

Yea, that's sounds real busy there Cloud. I hope you find some quality space and recharge for your next bout.
[B]
urm yeah its called amphetimine not sure how to spell it. drugs man, that wot the doc pushed onto me just now

[Ponder]

LOL ... love the pic cloud. :) I have resorted to coffee with great effect in assisting me keep up with the related house moving chores. Drinking water helps with the side effects.

Hi Dahila. Thanks for sharing that. I love hearing about other peoples experiences like so. I am. Smiles at your statement - "what next" lol

I am thus far pleased to report the Ubuntu Forum Experience as quite pleasant. Unlike many of the power user forums. I am sure I will run into the arrogance soon enough as my level of experience grows. How I deal with that, will be as much a reflection on myself as it is of others. Sigh.

Thus far Ubuntu has picked everything up. We had issues with out wifi printer, but once my tech savy wife fixed that issue, Ubuntu picked it up. I have been able to tether off my phone, use bluetooth devices and much much more all without having to configure much at all. What I did configure was all through the GUI - No need for text commands. Having said that though, I am all for learning the text commands.
___________________________________

Now I have printer up and running, I can print out guides, glossary sheets, Indexes and so on. Just need blue-tack now. :)

Righto ... first I need to do more with the house moving chores:
I have fully repaired our Dinning Table and is now up for sale $$$ CaChing ... for much needed money in order to move. Sigh.
Time to make some space ... move some things around and measure up some carpet to replace for owners.
House clean coming up soon to which I am please to report my daughter and son inlaw are helping us (opportunity to keep $$$ in the family ... they have ABN we can use for realestate to shut those fuckers up!!!) spits dirty taste out of mouth and smiles as such talk is rather pleasant and not as toxic as I am sure some lurker may feel. LOL - coffee still in my system.

Sooner I get some chores done the quicker I can come back on learn more on this.

Adios until net post.

Be well folks ... in all you do ... little bit by little bit.

see you soon.

[cloudy black]

LOL ... love the pic cloud. :)
Be well folks ... in all you do ... little bit by little bit.

see you soon.

a picture is worth a thousand words bark! bark! o dear where are those legit drugs...

[Ponder]

Setting up Gimp similar to Photoshop CS6 is helping me learn somewhat easier.

My Next trick is to install Linux Mint onto an external HDD and see if I can boot of that. That way I can play with both Ubutnu and Mint :)

Thought you might find that interesting Jesse?

Here is my gimp setup thus far:

I'm glad the table project is over - took me forever to finish those braces off. I did not stain them, but have oiled them several times. I think we just drop the price and make that a quick sale.
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/662/23665684295_fcfef972c8_b.jpg

PS - I do NOT like that side bar with Gnome3 ... I will be doing something about that shortly.

Let me know how you go with Linux please Jesse. Understand if you change your mind or if you don't have much time. ;)

[Dahila]

I am on Forum, Ponder you know which one, the black and red. I am on it for 8 years, Dec 1 2007 to present, I had never seen any bad behavior there, no insulting, no swearing nothing. Completely clean environment and we have discussion about everything. It is not even the moderators, it is the grown up com unity without children;))

[jessed03]

Hey Ponder. Always love seeing your shares. They deffo inspire me. I've just had a 24 hour battle with Ubuntu, actually. I messed up the installation process somehow LOL.

I just could not get it to boot. Had to stay in trial mode for hours playing with the settings. Funny story really: I opened the Terminal and tried to load the boot helper, but couldn't work out why I couldn't enter my password. Ten hours later I find out that the default standard on Ubuntu is to enter passwords invisibly, for added security. Finally was able to get the boot helper to open and it got me going. PHEW!

Thought I was gonna be stuck in limbo there!!! Now I'm here, I really like the operating system. My mind kinda gets overwhelmed easily, so having such a simple interface is brillant! I haven't played with it much yet, nor have I personalized it, but it's so simply to use. And my is it good not to be hounded by Macafee and Toshiba to buy warranties and virus protection extensions.

You can't beat a lack of clutter in life. :)

[cloudy black]

I am on Forum, Ponder you know which one, the black and red. I am on it for 8 years, Dec 1 2007 to present, I had never seen any bad behavior there, no insulting, no swearing nothing. Completely clean environment and we have discussion about everything. It is not even the moderators, it is the grown up com unity without children;))

hello Dahila hope you dont mind me dropping in like this! but what is the black and red forum of which you speak of. curious cloud

[Dahila]

I had send a message to you Cloudy:)

[cloudy black]

ok Dahila chow. also PM you as well! many thanks

[Ponder]

Nice to see you again Dahila. Hope all is well. Could you please PM link once more for me. TY

Jesse - ARRRRRRRRRRRRR ... I am now pulling my hair out too ... but I will persist. lol ... its all part of the learning. Talk about Bootloader --- Check out my New Issues:




GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/20151212_045759_zpshilwz5bt.jpg


LMFAO - and tears as well.



Not to worry ... for the most part I just hit enter and it loads up the new OS ... That's right ... I install yet another OS. I failed in my attempt to run off an external HDD. It came down faulty boot - GRUB setup and all that. I really need to get my head around the BIOS set up and settings for the constant reinstalling of OS's and also running alongside each other and all that.

Right now I currently have two Ubuntu boot loaders embedded in the start up - BUT - I nuked Ubuntu and now have Linux Mint 17.2 Cin X64 on instead. hahaha ...

OMG!!!!
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/20151212_050106_zpsboun0btc.jpg

No fucking wonder I'm getting an error boot loading screen.

Add to that, I am also having issues with my keyboard typing, however have found some relief since switching off the touch pad sensor whilst typing option.

As for LINUX MINT - FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!
_________


https://farm1.staticflickr.com/740/23574939992_04fa5b1362_o.png (https://flic.kr/p/BVeJjC)

I'm going to have issues with any distro to beo sure! The thing that impressed me about this distro is how "familiar" it feels. It feels like it, and smells like it, but it ain't it!

Getting permissions is way easy. You actually get useful right click options on the desktop. The task bar at the bottom feels so right. The quick launching from the task bar is easy to set up as is too cuts on the desktop. Just click on the Menu Bar on the bottom left hand corner and the apps come up like most of us are used too. There is a scroll option to see them all. Right click on any app to add to task bar or desktop.

SOLD!

Themes are another issue ... but I will work those out too. First thought ... I really need to sort out the master boot record. I'd rather just find a program for that. Sigh.

Keep in touch Jesse ... Give Linux Mint a try for sure :) I wonder what OS I will have tomorrow and weather I will even be able to get into BIOS - lol.

Adios - might reinstall this distro and see if it fixes the keyboard issues ...

House moving chores all going along fine.

[Ponder]

Don't mind me talking to myself ... I think I fixed it so that it at least boots without error. I did what it said and checked the Secure boot Policy. EUFI - F12 Boot Options, instead of the usual F2 Bios Menu. Changed to legacy then let boot up, after that I switch back into EUFI secure mode via F12 and now I get no error lading up, however the Master Boot/Grub or whatever one calls it, needs re-writting or something to fix the entries as currently stands.

Going to see if there is either a linux program that can be run from the os ... or might have to resort to a bios boot utility in legacy mode/or usb in eufi ... have no friggen idea really. Only way to learn is try I guess.

[Ponder]

Persistence is paying off!!! I have fixed my keyboard issue [solved] ... (touch wood) I also FIXED reset my UEFI settings in Bios and now getting clean boots with all readings nice and clean. I did it myself too. :) - I don't think the normal people on those Linux forums can handle my nutting communications skills, just as I can't really gell with theirs.

I restarted the computer a billion times altering Bios settings and scrutinizing the different results each time. I ended up reinstalling in legacy mode whilst altering a few options ... I explain later if not for myself. I always seem to do better when I talk to myself. hehe.

I set up the desktop environment much easier this time around to create my own theme as opposed to downloaded someone else’s. I am really happy that I have pulled off a clean set up that will serve me to start researching more of the command line soon enough. I think I will look into backing up not that I have optimized the work space ... just a few more tweaks with Gimp and some PDF readers and so on. It's not final ... but very glad I have nutted out the kinks with this distro:

I note later how I reset my Boot Options in Bios - Way easier than having to input commands who one yet knowns nothing about ... also no program needed either. Now I know how to reset the bios master boot records ... I can destroy whatever destroy or OS I want and bounce back all the more wiser.



Even if you have fallen for Ubuntu, try and find a guide to mutli boot ... if you have an UEFI boot option, there are plenty of multiboot guides on Youtube. (UEFI options is on any laptops recently sold with Win8.1 on onwards)

This is my set-up thus far Jesse. Running Smooth As ... and blistering fast with whatever apps. Way fast than windows. Firefox a little slow ... but way worth it for the peace of mind Linux Brings! "Pulling out the hair is no more than teething pain ... it will pass ... trust me" I also got two Menu Bars - Hoping to configure one completely for my self learning ... and or if I mess it up ... I will have the other to fall back on. ;) [I'll probably remove the second menu] - Extremely customizable OS and EASY as far as a Linux Distro goes. No commands used thus far. Again, has picked everything up.

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5750/23059650214_3396ce6c52_o.png (https://flic.kr/p/B8GJC7)

*Note - I put two task bars on - upper and lower ... the icons on desktop are as maxed out as I want to go. I'll just either add applets in the task bars and or short cuts.

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5658/23687781895_732aac0cdd_o.png (https://flic.kr/p/C6d5hF)

[cloudy black]

oh dear me and i cant even cope with PM wots a cloud to do hey! bah humbug

smile its christmas bah double bah humbug

[Ponder]

LOL - I get confused when ordering something to eat. No doubt, it's all in the approach. Hope all is well.

Glad to report I have made a LOT of progress with LINUX. TTS - Text To Speech Is something I am really into atm. I manage to find a really good screen recording app. Unlike Windows - there is no BS search engines attached to it or malware and the like. The more I track down new software to use with Linux, the more I know I made the right decision destroying my NoteBooks partitions!

Anyway - I came up with the following share as part and parcel of my self education adventures of late:
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Selection_001_zpsaymwpq69.png

My first YouTube Presentation with TTS - Text To Speech:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGEUMm0TCKA&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

Goodnight Peeps. Feeling quite tired today.
I write some more mindful posts in the coming days. It's been quite a stretch setting up my laptop once more. Glad I have done it though. Got a whiles to go, but not in so much of a need after my last post. ;)

Adios ,,, until next post.

Dahila - can you comment on Pam at all? I hope your are OK Pam?

Night guys ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

Pam seems to manage, she is pretty active on FB:))

[Ponder]

Not sure if that's a good thing, but if it floats the boat ... I'll pull out my harmonica, and we can all sing. ;)

[cloudy black]

bark bark howl howl howz that for in tune? christmas free zone song please bah humbug

[Ponder]

LOL - Just another Day: Logging it today.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY8dbKtY5mk&feature=youtu.be

[Dahila]

I do not think she has any other option, I know Pam is suffering, and grieving. You know guys how it is, you are up for an hour and despair for 5 h..............:((

[Ponder]

I can only speak for myself. My only contact with Pam is in here. If you cross paths, please let her know I've been keeping her in mind.
TY.

[Ponder]

Hows plants getting there. The broader leaf plants seem to be taking off a little quicker than the others.

Before:
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/590/20664943824_8f0916de29_c.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/xu6eQU)



After:
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/651/23409967899_10d07fcf99_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/BEEcSc)

[cloudy black]

plants look good not sure about the teaspoons though! going out for a nosh up in a bit as a thankyou for all the gardening i have done as a volunteer this year. if only they knew why i go. oh well ...looking forward to it. hope i can find the venue its kinda off the main road somewhere...

[Ponder]

The spoons are a reference point for me, as too ... the harmonica sitting on my wallet. Hope you have a good time at the venue.
Just having basil tea after cutting back some of the older leaves. Seems to be going down well.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[cloudy black]

yes the food and the company was very nice. however i nearly didnt manage to find the venue!! and then it was down a very narrow road with high banks. just about got there in time.
i used to like herbal tea the natural stuff. but i am no longer able to buy the loose herbal tea because of the EEC political daftness and now i can only buy crud from the supermarket. which i dont bother to do. it is artificially sweetened and very poor in taste and health. reckon we live in a daft world or is it me?

[Ponder]

Glad you found you way there. I get lost regularly when in unfarmiliar surounding or seeking out a new route which often throws me off guard.

Srry if this text is all over the place, as I am typing from the passenger 's seat traveling back home. Thing have been quite tense relationship wise, thus the trip itself has been likewise. Not much else I can really say at this time on that. I can however see myself soon elaborating on that.

DAFT WORLD you say. I can see how you would sumise that. Without going into the mental mastibation, I will agrre to that. :)

Anyways - might go research how to install Steam natively without using a windows emulator like wine. I'd rather discus the scary prospect of soon being single, however don't want to add fule to the fire by focusing on what has not transpired ... yet.

Sigh ... life is so full of Drama ... learning to let go is advice I need to take on board myself.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

A few herbs I planted in some cheap pots. I only just cut them back the night before.
ohttps://farm6.staticflickr.com/5708/23695684121_b659e31c2e_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/C6UzkX)2015-12-16 09.56.30 (https://flic.kr/p/C6UzkX) by David Kynaston (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/), on Flickr

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/568/23751801046_e44cc62dc0_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/CbSbX9)2015-12-16 09.55.26 (https://flic.kr/p/CbSbX9) by David Kynaston (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/), on Flickr

[cloudy black]

Glad you found you way there. I get lost regularly when in unfarmiliar surounding or seeking out a new route which often throws me off guard.

Srry if this text is all over the place, as I am typing from the passenger 's seat traveling back home. Thing have been quite tense relationship wise, thus the trip itself has been likewise. Not much else I can really say at this time on that. I can however see myself soon elaborating on that.

DAFT WORLD you say. I can see how you would sumise that. Without going into the mental mastibation, I will agrre to that. :)

Anyways - might go research how to install Steam natively without using a windows emulator like wine. I'd rather discus the scary prospect of soon being single, however don't want to add fule to the fire by focusing on what has not transpired ... yet.

Sigh ... life is so full of Drama ... learning to let go is advice I need to take on board myself.

Adios ... until next post.

well the directions on google were useless and so i had to wing it and my sense of direction is dire! on the way back came close to having a prang with another car, gosh and also the day before. both were a very close call. someone is looking out for me!! not usually like this but then the run up to Christmas is crappy for me.

sorry that your relationship is on the rocks. take care

[Dahila]

Ponder even this will pass.........................

[Ponder]

Thanks Cloudy. Dahila makes an excellent point. Thankyou Dahila. :)

[Ponder]

All the chemical stimulants one could ever want:

________ Kidtherapy ________
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/596/23721951121_dd449bf627_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/C9ecBg)

[jessed03]

Heart-warming pic. :)

If only I could bottle the joy on both of your faces.

[Ponder]

Hi Jess ... here's a video I threw together for a few of my friends interested in my Linux Setup. If you get the time to watch, let me know what you think. I think windows has pretty much seen the back of me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu-8i-YOJGw

[cloudy black]

Ponder how do you do it!? "Srry if this text is all over the place, as I am typing from the passenger 's seat traveling back home."

i quickly start to feel nauseous if i try to do anything like that whilst traveling. o dear me laptop has died just before chrimbo n that was gonna get me through things whilst at me mapa's.

my mother likes to listen to andre roux - you are so lucky that you dont know who i am talking about! trust me!! she has got an inexhaustible supply of his stuff :(. i am hoping my friend can fix the laptop this coming week ...my my the sherry is looking like a viable option...hic...

[Ponder]

Bluetooth keyboard, mouse, lap-stand and a phone tripod. Not sure who you mean, but if your mum is happy with that, then mores the power to her. I hope you fix your laptop soon. What do you think happened to it?

[cloudy black]

not sure but the last couple of times it kept saying there wasnt enough power going in from a/c so i am guessing its the power lead and not the battery. my techno knowledge is very pitiful im afraid

deep breath... here is what my mum likes in endless abundance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJqiV55JnX0 i am just not a fan of classic music and to have it every time i go over... thats why i need to have the laptop (notebook) computer working not only for that but to help manage my anxiety/depression so that i am "sociable" over Christmas bah humbug

[Ponder]

Hi Cloudy. I thought that's who you meant after I did a YouTube search myself. I don't mind classical, but not all that focus and glamour on the tearful crowed, the great player and so on. Too many US & Allied Drones dropping bombs in the background with BS fear mongering for my liking to be showing off in such a ritzy fashion. I enjoy a bit of classical, but more so when I have little historical knowledge to it and care little for toffee nosed glorification of such art and the like. Again ... with the state of the World, it's quite sickening to see get together like that.

Pffft Pfffft ... Exscuse me while I rinse my mouth.

That's great News about your computer! Really pleased that you have that back up and running. I loved what you said about how our computers can help keep us company in such a glorious and fun loving world. lol - Yes ... Even when the Fat Lady is singing and the violins are weeping, so many more are in great need to be connected to others in order to share in a sliver of such wondrous joy.

I have to admit that I would be devastated if my computer packed it in. I'm good at repairs and have worked in the field. However, I have sold just about everything of worth. Come to think of it, the last year of downsizing has pretty much seen us only left what we would term as needs. I'd probably have to take out a welfare loan, however we typically take those to catch up with the electricity. If not for my wife's online job from home, I have to fess up and say just how ... "Id be lucky to be connected to the Net!"

But Yea - Back on Track - For all the complaining and bitching about social media and other negative forms of digital evolutions and human kinds obvious inability to communicate and keep up - bar the violins and all those tears of course (poor crowed ... sniff sniff ... they have it so hard) ... it is great that some of us can just hit away at the keyboard without much of a care and take the good with the bad.

That's how I see it at any rate. My sarcasm is not nearly as distasteful as it may or may not sound to others. I am rarely understood outside my door, and or people just have less tolerance when disconnected from the web. I've been lately brining up how it's really no ones fault ... it's just the way it is. Grain of salt approach I guess - but with enough courage to see things as they really are. The latter something that's hard to explain and a bit of cliche that comes of more as hypocritical and or Irony.

Srry Cloudy I have lost track. If online friends is all I end up with ... I can live with that. In saying that though I must keep time for myself and my wife - also my kids. Bit of a balance thing. I only use Facebook for the bare minimum of selling things. There are a LOT of traps on the Web and it's as brainwashing if not more than our Tv's - It has the potential to bring out the best and worse in all of us. In saying that though ... I can only think of the Analogy of "Guns Don't Kill People - People Kill People" yet that statement needs a lot of breaking down to find the worth in that. Taking away Guns from people in the United States (anywhere in the world) would be a smart move to say the least. The fact that people cling to them as passionately as they do is yet another sign of just how blinded people have become. The major diff between the Gun and the Web, is that one "ussualy" kills sooner than the other.

YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED - I need a good dose of gaming again. I like War Thunder, but don't like the Warring Factor in it. I play it like darts, but guess I am contributing to our toxic state by playing it at all. Great flying game - I think I will look for more a flight simulator instead. Still treading the waters with Linux and Gaming.

LAST NIGHT I INSTALLED AN AWESOME CITY BUILDER!!! So that's a step in the right direction. I don't like cities much, but then I do. I used to play Sim City way back when computers where considered a luxury still. The graphic where like lego blocks, but I found it an awesome experience being able to build train stations, farms and the like. I love it when the sun goes down and it's night. To go about exploring the world one can create.

It's called CITES:Skylines

I'll do a post about that another time - will actually do a video and show you how that runs on my system. The best thing I like about this distribution of city building, is that it's probably the only one that comes close to Sim City 4. I absolutely lost myself in that game. Others games came out to emulate it, but they changed way too much and the feel was way off. Bit like how I used to Love Sims 2 - but then I felt somthing was off when 3 came out ... it was still closer than most rip offs of sim city, however there was a flow that seem to be missing ... and then when they brought out more expansions - the game kind of went to shit for me. But Hey ... that's just my opinion.

So far I am really loving the Cities:Skyline ... I'm just playing the based package with know DLC or expansions ... I have watched no tutorials and just playing it like I did Sim City 4 ... Not many games I can say I have been able to do that with. Seems to have favourable reviews , but I care little what others think (too many variable and I might miss a good game), as what I think is what matters most.

I'll bore you guys to tears with my rambling on such, next time we catch up.

Adios --- until next post. ;)

[Ponder]

Before I get on with the rest of my day - just updating the outdoor herb pots. My son who loves to cook picked up some herbs on the spur of the moment with the intention to cook with them. I saw them wilting two days later, so decided to plant them in the pots I not long picked up after acting on using plants to pick up my state of mind. I love having plants close to my computer when in a bright enough room.

I am really pleased with how easy it is to grow herbs outdoors in cheap pots. I only cut them back two days ago and already they are prolific with leaves again. I note one effected leafe that's been chewed that needs cutting off, but all in all - very impressive. Four plants of Bazil this size seems more than enough to keep taking regular cuts. The Mint I think I will buy one more, and possibly just keep three of the basil. Keeping only what I need and growing more variety I think is the goal for now. The basil tea is really nice. My wife is yet to try. I don't think it's a common tea, but it does work really nice just before bed. I got some chives on the go as well, but still needs a lot more growing / re-potting. Keeping up the right amount of water and clipping just enough and at the right spots is more learning for me. I have some good experience from growing in soil, so think it will not take me long.

Looking forward to the next abode so I can start setting up more of a container garden both outside and it. Really great for lifting my mood. Have missed gardening a lot!

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/780/23487085299_45da59bda5_o.jpg


(https://flic.kr/p/BMtsbx)https://farm1.staticflickr.com/623/23228201283_ce0a62e52b_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/BoAAZ2)

[cloudy black]

Hi Cloudy. I thought that's who you meant after I did a YouTube search myself. I don't mind classical, but not all that focus and glamour on the tearful crowed, the great player and so on. Too many US & Allied Drones dropping bombs in the background with BS fear mongering for my liking to be showing off in such a ritzy fashion. I enjoy a bit of classical, but more so when I have little historical knowledge to it and care little for toffee nosed glorification of such art and the like. Again ... with the state of the World, it's quite sickening to see get together like that.

Pffft Pfffft ... Exscuse me while I rinse my mouth.

That's great News about your computer! Really pleased that you have that back up and running. I loved what you said about how our computers can help keep us company in such a glorious and fun loving world. lol - Yes ... Even when the Fat Lady is singing and the violins are weeping, so many more are in great need to be connected to others in order to share in a sliver of such wondrous joy.

I have to admit that I would be devastated if my computer packed it in. I'm good at repairs and have worked in the field. However, I have sold just about everything of worth. Come to think of it, the last year of downsizing has pretty much seen us only left what we would term as needs. I'd probably have to take out a welfare loan, however we typically take those to catch up with the electricity. If not for my wife's online job from home, I have to fess up and say just how ... "Id be lucky to be connected to the Net!"

But Yea - Back on Track - For all the complaining and bitching about social media and other negative forms of digital evolutions and human kinds obvious inability to communicate and keep up - bar the violins and all those tears of course (poor crowed ... sniff sniff ... they have it so hard) ... it is great that some of us can just hit away at the keyboard without much of a care and take the good with the bad.

That's how I see it at any rate. My sarcasm is not nearly as distasteful as it may or may not sound to others. I am rarely understood outside my door, and or people just have less tolerance when disconnected from the web. I've been lately brining up how it's really no ones fault ... it's just the way it is. Grain of salt approach I guess - but with enough courage to see things as they really are. The latter something that's hard to explain and a bit of cliche that comes of more as hypocritical and or Irony.

Srry Cloudy I have lost track. If online friends is all I end up with ... I can live with that. In saying that though I must keep time for myself and my wife - also my kids. Bit of a balance thing. I only use Facebook for the bare minimum of selling things. There are a LOT of traps on the Web and it's as brainwashing if not more than our Tv's - It has the potential to bring out the best and worse in all of us. In saying that though ... I can only think of the Analogy of "Guns Don't Kill People - People Kill People" yet that statement needs a lot of breaking down to find the worth in that. Taking away Guns from people in the United States (anywhere in the world) would be a smart move to say the least. The fact that people cling to them as passionately as they do is yet another sign of just how blinded people have become. The major diff between the Gun and the Web, is that one "ussualy" kills sooner than the other.

YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED - I need a good dose of gaming again. I like War Thunder, but don't like the Warring Factor in it. I play it like darts, but guess I am contributing to our toxic state by playing it at all. Great flying game - I think I will look for more a flight simulator instead. Still treading the waters with Linux and Gaming.

LAST NIGHT I INSTALLED AN AWESOME CITY BUILDER!!! So that's a step in the right direction. I don't like cities much, but then I do. I used to play Sim City way back when computers where considered a luxury still. The graphic where like lego blocks, but I found it an awesome experience being able to build train stations, farms and the like. I love it when the sun goes down and it's night. To go about exploring the world one can create.

It's called CITES:Skylines

I'll do a post about that another time - will actually do a video and show you how that runs on my system. The best thing I like about this distribution of city building, is that it's probably the only one that comes close to Sim City 4. I absolutely lost myself in that game. Others games came out to emulate it, but they changed way too much and the feel was way off. Bit like how I used to Love Sims 2 - but then I felt somthing was off when 3 came out ... it was still closer than most rip offs of sim city, however there was a flow that seem to be missing ... and then when they brought out more expansions - the game kind of went to shit for me. But Hey ... that's just my opinion.

So far I am really loving the Cities:Skyline ... I'm just playing the based package with know DLC or expansions ... I have watched no tutorials and just playing it like I did Sim City 4 ... Not many games I can say I have been able to do that with. Seems to have favourable reviews , but I care little what others think (too many variable and I might miss a good game), as what I think is what matters most.

I'll bore you guys to tears with my rambling on such, next time we catch up.

Adios --- until next post. ;)

Ha! Ha! thought you might like it, tee hee, titter titter. Well its either his Lordship or silence! My parents not big on conversation, plus I don’t suffer with verbal diarrhea!!

I’m sooo happy that the computer is fixed. Actually I need to switch it on in a bit to make doubly sure. I tend to use the laptop at my parents cant use it for the internet just cant figure out how to do it! Doh!

So I will be keeping the wine glass busy with the headphones on and watching stuff that I have managed to put on there. Its always hit and miss if I can do this.

with regard to the "Pffft Pfffft ... Exscuse me while I rinse my mouth."
Yes but in the last war 1940 the “show must go on” mentality kept the troops morale up. Take Vera Lyn for instance and Glen miller
https://www.mtholyoke.edu/~knigh20c/classweb/miller.html
http://www.midsussextimes.co.uk/news/local/vera-lynn-interview-the-ordinary-girl-with-an-extraordinary-life-1-6478785

Music is so good to lift spirits but yes I take your point.

Regarding humour mine can be like a private kind of humour in that people just don’t get it and in a way that’s funny LOL but mostly I don’t think I win friends along the way. I have to have humour cos life is just too one dimensional. But as I get more depressed the worse it gets the humour that is!

Yes definitely keep the balance thing going with the wife and kids. Cyber friends are all well and good… and yes I have found this forum to be helpful. For the first time in my life I feel I have something to offer and yes I don’t get it right sometimes…

Yes the web can be toxic and I am careful about how I use it. I will not use the face book etc really not what I am comfortable with. So much crap rides on the back of them. viruses, fraud….

Arrh now my brother in law has got a whole room dedicated to a flight simulator! He loves planes a bit of a anorak really. Oh I managed to find some games on the web, battleship, connect four, chess…nothing really mind blowing but helps when I am in a difficult anxiety level, that’s if I don’t get yet more anxious!!

Cities skyline maybe my bro in law might be interested..but he is going through a traumatic time at the mo.

[cloudy black]

Before I get on with the rest of my day - just updating the outdoor herb pots. My son who loves to cook picked up some herbs on the spur of the moment with the intention to cook with them. I saw them wilting two days later, so decided to plant them in the pots I not long picked up after acting on using plants to pick up my state of mind. I love having plants close to my computer when in a bright enough room.

I am really pleased with how easy it is to grow herbs outdoors in cheap pots. I only cut them back two days ago and already they are prolific with leaves again. I note one effected leafe that's been chewed that needs cutting off, but all in all - very impressive. Four plants of Bazil this size seems more than enough to keep taking regular cuts. The Mint I think I will buy one more, and possibly just keep three of the basil. Keeping only what I need and growing more variety I think is the goal for now. The basil tea is really nice. My wife is yet to try. I don't think it's a common tea, but it does work really nice just before bed. I got some chives on the go as well, but still needs a lot more growing / re-potting. Keeping up the right amount of water and clipping just enough and at the right spots is more learning for me. I have some good experience from growing in soil, so think it will not take me long.

Looking forward to the next abode so I can start setting up more of a container garden both outside and it. Really great for lifting my mood. Have missed gardening a lot!

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/780/23487085299_45da59bda5_o.jpg


(https://flic.kr/p/BMtsbx)https://farm1.staticflickr.com/623/23228201283_ce0a62e52b_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/BoAAZ2)

plants looking really good. not good at plants they tend to die i do have two aloe veras i got another one earlier this year as i thought the one i had already was about dead after many years gosh 20 years that cant be right surely! i put it out in the garden and left it to either live or die! and it just about came back round but it took all summer and autumn to do it!!

[Ponder]

Many of us would of not cared if we ended up speaking Japanese. Given there culture, I am sure many of us would of wanted it. I'm easy either way, except when it comes to dropping bombs. Clearly the music is not cutting it, as drones are still secretly doing their runs whilst people sit pretty with their tears and violins.

Srry - but I was fed all that crap when growing up. The post wars BS and all it's bubble and froth right into the 80's with wall street and what not. Look at the fuckers now, clinging to their money and possessions. Always blaming the kids. Narrr - Srry, but next time I cross paths with Shirley Temple, glen miller and the likes of them ... I'm going to pull out a little Pink Floyd and maybe some sex pistols. Bit of reality the way it should of been.

Yes - I'm afraid not many will see eye to eye with me on that score. Typical one cops a response with a patronising tone like that of "Lovey and Thurston" from Gilligan's Island - "OH dear Thurston, I think we have heard quite enough of that for now" - "Now Now Lovey, it gets more bearable with another drink. Here, here, take one, you will see."

LOL - Probably way to old for others to know what I mean. I do hear what your saying about music in general. I don't really listen to anything with lyrics any more.

First sorry for being such a pessimist. I mean not to be resistance or take an opposites stance for the sake of being difficult or addicted to what others may misconstrue as miserable. Not at all. Just keep beat with what works for me.

Yes - the beat I have know issue with at all. Quite a melodic ride with those links and even the classical I am able to enjoy. I actually enjoy music quite a bit - just not the way it's typically marred with words. Bit like waving flags, and staking claims. People defining themselves and who they be with the name of a band. Then comes the need to use it like a drug in order to dare I say "soldier on" ... lol but for me, that kind of makes my point.

Again, I mean no offence.

Te be sure - many of us need drugs in order to take the pain of such an insufferable world that even needs songs to keep ourselves in fighting spirits. Take out the BS lyrics and let people decide for themselves how they feel, then maybe we would not need to defend ourselves.
__________________________________________________ _____

GRRRRRR - Space is at an all time premium low for me right now. Must be something on the radio. Cling to the 80's like Shirley to the 20's hahhhahahahaa CLICK! Arrrr much better!

So what else where we talking about?

Srry I did not cover it all and got lost in a self made rut. Happens a lot, no matter.

I got a few thing on again for the day ... is good to catch up with all the kids, but the older I get, the more space I need. Maybe I will get luck, a bunch of scientists might be sipping wine and having fun, and the next thing we know, KABOOM - we'll all be toast and never have to suffer such sickening songs.

An ways - I have a cite to build ... can't blow em up if there is none. ;)

[Ponder]

I much prefer reality like this: (Is what it is - an we are all still basking in our pleasurable ways ... some of us)

Robbin Williams:
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/keeping%20the%20spirits%20up_zpsbvqavhg4.jpg

In Australia, we watch home improvement shows and lock up stragglers that arrive by boat and or ship em to some other island, then hire private contractors to build and administer prisons.

Edit - Just had a flash - see the water containers they are gripping - reminds me of when I walked into the Employment Agency with a petrol can ... ...Interesting how the world ticks ... tock ... tick .... tock ... and so on.

[Ponder]

Just to balance things out. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo

[cloudy black]

ok so i am getting the music. you express a deeper sensitivity regarding the ploys of mankind. and yes we live in a balmy and toxic world!

in the past i got that all i could listen to in the way of music was music that had no lyrics and which was what i called high energy. for most of this year i have not been able to listen to music at all. had a few attempts to listen but it constantly seems to trigger a crud response. and when i think i used to use music to help me broker the difficult emotional turmoil i had as a teenager into young adult hood....

so many things i seem not to be able to do these days like walking because of my feet, used to walk miles. tried the swimming bit but experienced a bleak black depression a couple of times whilst in the pool


ok so what can i say regarding whats happening in Oz. yes its dreadful... what would you do? how would you do it differently?

always look on the brightside of life. yes it can seem crass and absurd. Jesus wasnt looking on the brightside when he was being crucified. so that kinda emphasis the point of crass and absurdity that is used to "get by in life" whats the alternative? to sink into a black no hope which i have been in for the longest time and its not good. yes balance is needed but we humans seem unable to do this. we slot rattle to one end or the other. we need balance yes but we also need integrity and compassion and that is difficult thing in a world that is corrupt and sick.

i minimise my exposure to society in an attempt to keep my sanity and my moral compass.

[Ponder]

To be honest, I am so sick of the name Jesus, that I could care less how he felt - IF in fact he was ever nailed to a cross. I believe NOTHING that is taught from our current leaders and officials. I love Monty Python and find no offence in their well presented art. In my book, it's a far cry more polished than some guy masturbating with his violin and likewise the crowed getting all orgasmic over his strings.
__________________________________________________ __________

I had a much more polished response, however the above was pretty much it.

What would I do - I simply just do ... by not abiding or conforming to this world at all. I speak out against racists that cling to flags and yell and scream about others who don't act and think as them. I sold most of my things over the last 12 months, greatly reduced my intake of meat and for the most part changed the way I eat. I stop taking that fucking poison the psychiatrist prescribed, I stop listening to the TV, the fucking useless radio and let go of many old tunes that only serve to keep me clinging to the past.

Oh, I do a lot in my own way to say NO to the BS so commonly sold. There is absolutely no reason NOT to take in refugees - We have the ability to feed all the starving in the world if it were not for the 70 Billion Live Stock that takes up the corn, oil and land. The amount of water it takes to make one Big Mac - PFFFT - God and Country... What a crock of fucking shit!

Monty Python bring a LOT more to the table, than some wanker masturbating with a Violin and a toffee nosed crowed that gets all wet over four strings.

If I was to do anything, I might strap a bomb to my chest and unlike last time with failing to light a match, I would actually hit the trigger and blow us all to Oblivion without a care for whatever the fuck comes next.
___________________________

SIGH - Stability hey, whatever the fuck ever.

Nothing Personal of course ... and that's the trick hey. My voicing like so is to filter out those who don't see like me. I really don't have the strength to go along with blinkers and ignore the shit for what it is. I'm selfish no doubt in my own right ... although mostly wrong. I just speak how I see it - I reject all claims made against the likes of me - against the by-product that society rejects.

They can go fuck themselves ... masturbate with their violins. Given what I derive from such an action, I know it's rather lacking and or short lived. I much prefer other activities these days.

But that's another story - learning to live in a world bent of fucking itself when one has lost the drive to jump in the shower, let alone stroke along to the beat.

Is what it is, not every action be one that requires playing along or even listening. I'm all for detachment - I'm a fucking Alien! My next trick is to build a boat with a massive fog horn, so I can tell the coast guard to go FUCK THEMSELVES!!!

Have a good one ... Off to play with the little one. No institutionalised baby sitting for him. Although it wont be long till the system forces his mother to send him for his indoctrination. (they are doing it younger and younger these days) Is such a cruel thing to see our kids brainwashed and victimised under the banner of Education. Sink or fucking swim. We are already encouraging mum to consider another form of schooling. Leave that one for another post ... or just let leaves blow in the wind.

[jessed03]

deep breath... here is what my mum likes in endless abundance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJqiV55JnX0 i am just not a fan of classic music and to have it every time i go over...

That does sound beautiful. Round my way all people listen to is that Caribbean music that goes thud, thud, thud. Of course they all buy huge woofers too, which makes the whole street shake.


Hi Jess ... here's a video I threw together for a few of my friends interested in my Linux Setup. If you get the time to watch, let me know what you think. I think windows has pretty much seen the back of me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu-8i-YOJGw

Ponder this video was great! I had to give it a thumbs up on YT.

It inspired me to upgrade from Ubuntu to Mint, and I'm really glad I did. Mint is just so smooth. It's really stylish too, actually. Ubuntu was cool, but that big sidebar became pretty annoying.

I know see what a pain in the ass Windows was. Too focused on ads and business partnerships that it lost sight of what was important - THE USER!!

[Ponder]

Morning Guys. A little something from under my Rock:

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5690/23525088189_d2395e6320_o.jpg

Thanks for your reply Jesse. Way too much bitching and moaning of late. Yea, those posts were much better. I think it's been the noise of late. It's great catching up with the family again, however I don't do so well with noise. I never have. Unfortunately the world just seems to be getting louder, despite my efforts to take refuge under whatever rock. No doubt a population things like you once mentioned.

BUT - away with all that. I'm glad to hear you liking Linux. I have found some really great games that run natively through Linux Steam. They do seem a little more pricey, however they run beautifully on my laptop which is quite a feat. Still learning the City builder game but looking forward to doing a video on that once I have something of worth to show.

Not much else to report. Have been getting a little sun with the family, although going out a little too much. Food wise is all good - going to try and stop focusing on the negative. Not liking the direction I have taken of late. Will focus on trying not to commiserate so much.

It's a fact I do much better sticking to myself, or at the least, avoiding getting sucked in to commiserating on issues that really have no place in my head.

Hope all is as well as can be.

Thanks again for your response and take care.
Dave.

[jessed03]

Morning Guys. A little something from under my Rock:

https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5690/23525088189_d2395e6320_o.jpg

Thanks for your reply Jesse. Way too much bitching and moaning of late. Yea, those posts were much better. I think it's been the noise of late. It's great catching up with the family again, however I don't do so well with noise. I never have. Unfortunately the world just seems to be getting louder, despite my efforts to take refuge under whatever rock. No doubt a population things like you once mentioned.

BUT - away with all that. I'm glad to hear you liking Linux. I have found some really great games that run natively through Linux Steam. They do seem a little more pricey, however they run beautifully on my laptop which is quite a feat. Still learning the City builder game but looking forward to doing a video on that once I have something of worth to show.

Not much else to report. Have been getting a little sun with the family, although going out a little too much. Food wise is all good - going to try and stop focusing on the negative. Not liking the direction I have taken of late. Will focus on trying not to commiserate so much.

It's a fact I do much better sticking to myself, or at the least, avoiding getting sucked in to commiserating on issues that really have no place in my head.

Hope all is as well as can be.

Thanks again for your response and take care.
Dave.

Yeah, I'm not bad, ta. I have a young nephew, so it's at least giving me something to do this Christmas. If it wasn't for him, I'd probably just get stuck into a project on the 25th and forget all about it.

I've just been getting more acquainted with Linux and some of the free software on there actually. I was all over GIMP today. Impressive package considering its free. Another one I couldn't get into at first, but once you keep playing with it, you pick up the basics and it becomes fun. I really don't see any difference between that and photoshop, yet the latter is hundreds of bucks. Crazy.

Just found out how to save to jpeg so I'm buzzing LOL. Was saving it as the gimp preset which is something weird and converting it. Another noob mistake was getting frustrated over not being able to get rid of the ant-box outlines. Then I realized it's cos I simply need to create a new layer. Doh!

I can see why a lot of pro's making tonnes of money still prefer to use the free Gimp software. Although it's taken a little getting used to, nothing I can't do on it that I couldn't do on Photoshop.

Anyway, no worries about the ranting. Always liked the no holds barred attitude in this thread. I'm like you, see so much dysfunction, but mainly try to focus on productive stuff for my own sanity. Still partial to a rant now and then, though. :)

After reading, I spent about 15 mins going through classic Python vids. Can't beat a good laugh at Xmas, man. This one gets me everytme. Actually reminds me of the nationalism comment you made. The guys were geniuses. So funny, yet so much political and religious subtext.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExWfh6sGyso

[Ponder]

That's a classic part of the film. In stitches over it. lol. Nice one.

I was using Paint shop pro for several years, then did another several on Photoshop CS the latest ... and I sill made the same mistake you did when first jumping into Gimp:) Gimp is as powerful as photoshop on many levels, however a lot of plugins are required is order to do the amount and type of edits I am used too. However that is fine for me, gives me another opurtinity to lean more about the tools I take for granted. I'll probably end up a better editor doing it with gimp.

I'm still impressed with Linux mint overall.

I have been extremely lost in that Cities-Skylines Game.

That's about it for me.

[jessed03]

That's a classic part of the film. In stitches over it. lol. Nice one.

I was using Paint shop pro for several years, then did another several on Photoshop CS the latest ... and I sill made the same mistake you did when first jumping into Gimp:) Gimp is as powerful as photoshop on many levels, however a lot of plugins are required is order to do the amount and type of edits I am used too. However that is fine for me, gives me another opurtinity to lean more about the tools I take for granted. I'll probably end up a better editor doing it with gimp.

I'm still impressed with Linux mint overall.

I have been extremely lost in that Cities-Skylines Game.

That's about it for me.

I absolutely dig the workspaces feature. When I saw that on your vid, I pretty much downloaded Mint immedietely. It's great being able to seperate important stuff from the windows you're dicking around on. On Windows it can get a bit cramped having loads of windows open. It doesn't take much for my mind to get a little overwhelmed. Less clutter = awesome as far as I'm concerned.

Next up I wanna learn to use the Wine feature. Gives me something to do while everybody's going nuts this festive period.

While I'm here, just wanted to wish you all a peaceful Christmas. All of the gang. You Ponder, Dahls, Suff, John, Cloudy, and everyone else that reads this.

http://www.glitters20.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Funny-Christmas-69.gif

[Dahila]

Thanks my friends, My xmas is very lonely but that's ok will make awesome soap today and tomorrow. Everyone have a good xmas