Searching for anything good...(sigh)

[Enduronman]

Yeah, I did already send my doc an email explaining to her what this new rheumy had said...
I think she already has a good idea of what to expect from "Specialist" as she had told me that they're all generally assholes.
I've also stopped the prednisone today too.
Yes, doctors are people too and they do make mistakes but I'm just planning now to go with the flow as he is the 2nd one to say that I have some other condition that my doctors knows was not what attacked me in May of 2012...
I'm going to file my appeal based upon the two other doctors claims...
What ever they wish to call it, it hurts like hell every day!
Just took some pain killers and starting to feel a little better already.
Have a good day Dahl!

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Another day, another pain, another medication, another thought, another wish, another hope for something better.
Maybe this shit will end some day, maybe it won't.
Hell, what's another month or two living in misery.
We all do the best that we can.
And as my father always reminds me, it could be a hell of a lot worse too..
Have a great day AF friends and family!
YAY!

E-Man :)

[JohnC]

My father say's the same to me E-Man, Lol.

Wishing you the best man.

[Enduronman]

Thanks John, very much.
It just seems to get worse and worse around here and yesterday I asked myself if it could get any worse, and if so, what would that be?
I got a letter from a bank stating that my account had been levied and they took the money that I had!
Yes, it got worse but they didn't get much.
When I became disabled 27 months ago, obviously bills became difficult to pay, with no income so they "kick you when you're down" around here.
They still want their money, even if you have none.
Sounds a bit sick to me, but the creditors don't really care what's going on, only about the "money".
I laughed it off and swore that I wouldn't let it get me down because its essentially just another aspect of "life" and happens all the time I'm sure.
All I can do is have hope for better days which seem to take forever to actually arrive.
More doctors visits coming up, a mild surgery, more test, probably more medications too but these are the cards that I have been dealt in life.
What a shitty hand to play! I was never much of a card player anyway...
Bad things do happen to good people every single day, some worse then others.
I still have my life, even though it hurts, and I still have healthy children too so what else does one really need?
Wishing you all a great day!

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Oh Eman yes bad s*** happens to other people too, but our s*** hurts, and no one cares, no one will help. When you own money to any company they will use every mean to extract it from you even on your deathbed or even after you dead they go after your family. Bloodsuckers. Imagine I use 30 dollars of electricity and the rest like 90 dollars I pay their service, the debt , the retirement and it is right on the bill. eh When someone owns you money you need to go to small court claim, or give it to collection agency and get back small percentage of that. I do not know about you, but my life is lately struggling everyday. Hopefully they will go off your account shortly, just open different one with the checks or a few of them.

[Im-Suffering]

Thanks John, very much.
It just seems to get worse and worse around here and yesterday I asked myself if it could get any worse, and if so, what would that be?
I got a letter from a bank stating that my account had been levied and they took the money that I had!
Yes, it got worse but they didn't get much.
When I became disabled 27 months ago, obviously bills became difficult to pay, with no income so they "kick you when you're down" around here.
They still want their money, even if you have none.
Sounds a bit sick to me, but the creditors don't really care what's going on, only about the "money".
I laughed it off and swore that I wouldn't let it get me down because its essentially just another aspect of "life" and happens all the time I'm sure.
All I can do is have hope for better days which seem to take forever to actually arrive.
More doctors visits coming up, a mild surgery, more test, probably more medications too but these are the cards that I have been dealt in life.
What a shitty hand to play! I was never much of a card player anyway...
Bad things do happen to good people every single day, some worse then others.
I still have my life, even though it hurts, and I still have healthy children too so what else does one really need?
Wishing you all a great day!

E-Man :)

Now we teach what we have to learn, and so I can relate to a lot of this, I'm sure most people can.

But.....let's remember, and I warn you.....to get your thinking cap on...for the following:

1) Life is neutral.

2) And, you create your own reality.

Now, life does not care either way what you do....but when you do it, give energy one way or the other, life thinks this is your intended path....inertia :

"The principle of inertia is one of the fundamental principles of classical physics that are used to describe the motion of objects and how they are affected by applied forces"

A thought given inertia - it's forward motion or forces effect outcomes, experience, events..as thought is made physical.

Forgive me this is difficult - I am saying that energy is neutral and latent until you give it the motive force or propulsion by your thoughts and intent. What you are seeing in your life is thought manifest by your hand in pushing it into reality. It is not life itself acting against you, or bad things 'happen' to good people. Rather all people create their own reality and thus the forces apply to everyone.

Intuitively you know the collection people are neutral, doing their 'job' to the best of their ability. For that in itself raises the quality of their life and families.

In a world of 'time' you see, and the way the nervous system is structured, it takes time for a thought to manifest and thus some people forget their hand in it.

I am simply reminding you of this. Now, it is unthinkable for you to say 'my physical difficulties including illness is of my own making and so are then the resulting financial difficulties which are an offshoot of the issue', but in ignorance of that you just manifest more of it, rather than learn to really change the beliefs that give it inertia in a neutral environment.

I am telling you : your thoughts and beliefs - chemically -change/effect/cause the molecular structure of the air which once latent, to 'activate' then turning into patterns of discernible constructions, or matter. You might call them 'idea constructions'.

In practical terms, I am teaching you here that you create your reality, and 'how' you do it.

In closing, I do empathize with you.......but, what you have learned as far as chiseling the personality far outweighs the suffering, especially in your case. I am proud to have known you, I've said it before, because before me I know is a great human.

You have been conditioned that's all, it is not the DNA or a bad world attacking you.

I do hope this post is edifying and not seen as cruel, in human terms, because if misunderstood it could go either way. And that is the foundation for all wars and injustice, again in human terms, when one or two or a town or nation is 'misunderstood' for not only are individuals conditioned, but so are countries.

Conditioning btw is from the caretakers in your lives most often what you call parents. I have taught you much here in this little post, keep it with you.

[Joe.]

That just clicked in my brain, or mind!


I have found that my anxiety stems from the need for clarity in my life. My philosophy is always with such emphasis on clarity, my daily routine is based on clarity; so nothing being confused, everything understood, in control. When I bridge the gap between my mind and the reality my eyes allow me to see, all will be cured. I feared/fear health problems as this is a change for me within me, and something I think I can't control, which could be unclear.
Break through right here!
Now we teach what we have to learn, and so I can relate to a lot of this, I'm sure most people can.

But.....let's remember, and I warn you.....to get your thinking cap on...for the following:

1) Life is neutral.

2) And, you create your own reality.

Now, life does not care either way what you do....but when you do it, give energy one way or the other, life thinks this is your intended path....inertia :

"The principle of inertia is one of the fundamental principles of classical physics that are used to describe the motion of objects and how they are affected by applied forces"

A thought given inertia - it's forward motion or forces effect outcomes, experience, events..as thought is made physical.

Forgive me this is difficult - I am saying that energy is neutral and latent until you give it the motive force or propulsion by your thoughts and intent. What you are seeing in your life is thought manifest by your hand in pushing it into reality. It is not life itself acting against you, or bad things 'happen' to good people. Rather all people create their own reality and thus the forces apply to everyone.

Intuitively you know the collection people are neutral, doing their 'job' to the best of their ability. For that in itself raises the quality of their life and families.

In a world of 'time' you see, and the way the nervous system is structured, it takes time for a thought to manifest and thus some people forget their hand in it.

I am simply reminding you of this. Now, it is unthinkable for you to say 'my physical difficulties including illness is of my own making and so are then the resulting financial difficulties which are an offshoot of the issue', but in ignorance of that you just manifest more of it, rather than learn to really change the beliefs that give it inertia in a neutral environment.

I am telling you : your thoughts and beliefs - chemically -change/effect/cause the molecular structure of the air which once latent, to 'activate' then turning into patterns of discernible constructions, or matter. You might call them 'idea constructions'.

In practical terms, I am teaching you here that you create your reality, and 'how' you do it.

In closing, I do empathize with you.......but, what you have learned as far as chiseling the personality far outweighs the suffering, especially in your case. I am proud to have known you, I've said it before, because before me I know is a great human.

You have been conditioned that's all, it is not the DNA or a bad world attacking you.

I do hope this post is edifying and not seen as cruel, in human terms, because if misunderstood it could go either way. And that is the foundation for all wars and injustice, again in human terms, when one or two or a town or nation is 'misunderstood' for not only are individuals conditioned, but so are countries.

Conditioning btw is from the caretakers in your lives most often what you call parents. I have taught you much here in this little post, keep it with you.

[Enduronman]

Thank you Dahl for your continued support, it means a lot to me.
Thank you Suffering for such an in depth explanation and for taking the time to think that through, they are just "more" issues that I now have to deal with. I will keep it with me.
Good to see you here Joe! Suffering always has such excellent advice and an amazing perspective of things.
I'm up way to early today, another doctors appointment of course that of which I hope to actually learn something more about what's going on with me yet I probably won't.
Hopefully, he is in agreement with the other three doctors, on the same page, clarity in consideration, and a new direction for which to address this disability with the Government.
Probably just a squeeze here and there, a tap, try to push my hands together, try to push them apart,..just another exam. Maybe even some more medications too. I don't know.
I know that they're all just doing the best that they can, considering such an odd, rare, unique disease and condition that only 5 doctors in the world have any real knowledge of.
Obviously, I don't have the money to fly around the world asking for opinions from others, and with possibly 2000 cases of this in the entire world, information about it is hard to come by.
So, I will just do the best that I can considering circumstances, and make the best of this so far beautiful day too.
Wishing you all the best, have a great day friends!

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

The Neurologist is on the same page as the other 3 doctors. That's a concensus I guess!
Yes, another new medication to try as well and more blood test of course too.
All I can do is hope for the best and maybe this other medication will help me.
Have a good day all!

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Jeez, so much of that, keep it strong, you can do it. I know you can :) you get some answers soon, and they will leave you alone, the papers filled :)

[Enduronman]

I'm trying Dahl but this shit is getting old and fuggin tiring!!!
Enjoy the day...

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Just another beautiful day around here, it appears.
Trying to figure out my moms angle, perspective, outlook on life, and why she finds it impossible to shut up.
ALWAYS talking about something bad, someone that has life issues and troubles, someone that is in ill health, about her own grandchildren and their troubles.
A gossip hound of sort, as if she is always looking for someone to talk to about something that is going on, with someone else...
She was talking badly about one of my daughters yesterday that has had problems in the pasts.
Then wanted to come in here and tell me about someone else's daughter that has a tumor now.
I just told her (again) that I don't want to hear it and to quit talking about things that are wrong with other peoples lives! She seems to thrive on it.
I told her that I don't want to hear it! She said "well you're just like your father is"...I just said so what! Yes, maybe I am just like my father.
She asked "don't you have any compassion for other people?" I said of course yes I do, but I have enough problems of my own to deal with and I tend to focus more on my family, my kids..
So I tend to think more about them then "everyone else" as you do..She rarely ever stops talking "about" other people be it family or friends or family of friends..
She repeatedly tells the same story about the same persons, over and over again. I find this to be frustrating and tiring to hear it too. Over and over again.
I just can't figure her out. Yes, I care about people I guess I just don't verbalize it to anyone, every single day, as she tries too.
I do know that she is a selfish, judgmental, pessimistic, critical, person but what's up with this "act" that she actually cares about others?
I think that large amounts of alcohol have clouded her mind and thought processes, she drinks every single day. She has done this for years if not decades. Vodka damage.
Alcohol is a poison. And considering that I'm the closest to her, in her home for health reasons, then I get to listen to this dumbshit!! The receiving end of dumbshit!!!
How I so wish that I never had to move in here with her, she causes me more anxiety and tension then what I already had to deal with on my own...I do try to ignore her however.
And I am tired of hearing about the past...always talking about the past...which makes life in the present day, difficult. I hate talking about the past and I forget the events of the past.
It is our opposite philosophy that causes the problems I can see now. I live for the day, forget the past, and have hope for the future. Hope is what I have left. YAY!!!
Sorry for the stupid rant, I just had to get this off of my mind as a huge majority of my present day anxiety revolves around a parent.
I do know how I don't want to be when I finally decide to grow up and mature. I won't treat family like she does and has..I have learned that much.
Going to pick up some more new meds! I can't wait to see what it will do as I suspect it will do absolutely nothing for me.
Such is life. Still in search of something good! I know it's out there some where.
Thank you for reading this friends.
Have a great day!

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Well you have no better option right now and you must survive it somehow. yOu do realize that her constant blabber about others is to cover her mistakes and her problems. She focuses on other people not to think and acknowledge her own. You are very compassionate man, probably the best person I had met on net , so far. You are awesome Eman and everyone loves you and learn to accept you for who you are. Does it make sense? I kind of upset after reading the post. Still my kids complain about me . Jeeeeez they should switch places with you :)) it is tough for you and it would be for anyone. Do not give up Ch. Do not:)

[Enduronman]

Thank you Dahl!
Yes, constant blabbering!
That made me laugh and I appreciate that more then words can express..LMAO!!
Yes, to make herself look better to make herself feel better somehow.
She is a pain in the f**kin ass!!!
I am a very compassionate man, I just go about it in a different way then she does...she "pretends" to be compassionate.
Trying to have a better day today!
Be well and best wishes to you friend.

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you Dahl!
Yes, constant blabbering!
That made me laugh and I appreciate that more then words can express..LMAO!!
Yes, to make herself look better to make herself feel better somehow.
She is a pain in the f**kin ass!!!
I am a very compassionate man, I just go about it in a different way then she does...she "pretends" to be compassionate.
Trying to have a better day today!
Be well and best wishes to you friend.

E-Man :)

No...no, no no, and...no.

You need to see her as you wish her to be, in a loving positive light, you picture your world how you want it to be, not how you don't want it. For you create it either way. And that is where both you and her err, in your thinking, you are both alike, and thus your worlds are of your making.

Couple of points.

This was your conditioning as a child, even years 0-3. At that time and beyond the mother and child speak telepathically. that might challenge your beliefs,...good ! Telepathy begins prenatal as the fetus communicates with its new body, and the mother who grows it. There must be constant cellular communication, you see. You begin at that time to not only mold the fledgling belief system, but for her to teach you about the world. You are never disconnected from the organism that build your body for you, and thus she has influence over the soul who needs tools for its upcoming life. A precursor you see to physical life as if you were in the classroom and the teacher says "now on earth, you need this and that to survive, and here is the world view you will have, here is what I want you to know"

In that context, you were conditioned, period. That is where the conflict rises as you get older and in your struggles to determine if those beliefs are valid, or you should develop your own. Now telepathically you still relate to her although the filter is able to catch more of it, the filter of discrimination.

The anxiety you have, the health problems, these can be traced to conditioning, conflicts, and unresolved guilt.

That is oversimplified but I give away too much as it is, already labeled a crackpot.

Her sympathy, compassion is good, however, by the law of attraction she does not know how to relate in a constructive manner. Constructive thoughts would be:

"This person is ill, rather than see them as sick or some deficit, I will picture them in love and light, the bright light of healing as it surrounds them, comforts them. I surround them with my loving energy"

Now that build up the defenses of the ill for they feel your intent, rather than commiserating adding more negativity. And tearing down the natural defenses. If you believed in telepathy, you would think more constructively, you see, for you would realize it is fruitless to offer more sorrow and compound the problems.

And by speaking negatively about her, you are no better than her speaking negatively about another, again, you picked it up from her. You need to break the cycle. As I suggested by seeing a human as whole, and empathizing with the challenges. Then building up the resistance by picturing them as perfect and healthy, happy, joyful, whatever situation they may be in, you picture the best outcome and let it go. Even as they lay dieing, you hold them in the best light of love with no pity, no guilt, no shame, no sorrow. That is not love......although you may not understand, this is all so difficult to word, and also given the comprehension level of the people who should read it.

Lastly the thread title, "searching for anything good" is a belief she taught you, also through telepathy plus word, deed. She is still teaching you her beliefs from your conversation recently. She is searching for anything good, constantly, but searching, she cannot find and thus she is unable to see creation as whole, healthy, willing and able. Symbolically, the searching implies lack, period. Somehow negativity will help she reasons, More distortions.

One should say instead of searching : "Here is what is good" "and what is not so good, I will picture ever better, I will see the sick as healthy - I will see the poor as wealthy - I will see the stupid as wise - I will see the best in people, as whole, complete, capable entities, even if my eyes disagree, for my eyes are part of the illusion" period.

There is much more, but I will leave it at that.

[Enduronman]

No...no, no no, and...no.

You need to see her as you wish her to be, in a loving positive light, you picture your world how you want it to be, not how you don't want it. For you create it either way. And that is where both you and her err, in your thinking, you are both alike, and thus your worlds are of your making.

(My girlfriend has been trying to convince me of this very statement that you've just made. Although, I am really struggling to understand it for my parent doesn't treat or speak of anyone or anything in a "positive light" persay. She bad mouths my children because of the troubles from their past mistakes. She puts them down verbally and acts as if they are still doing all of the same things, of which they are not.)

Couple of points.

This was your conditioning as a child, even years 0-3. At that time and beyond the mother and child speak telepathically. that might challenge your beliefs,...good ! Telepathy begins prenatal as the fetus communicates with its new body, and the mother who grows it. There must be constant cellular communication, you see. You begin at that time to not only mold the fledgling belief system, but for her to teach you about the world. You are never disconnected from the organism that build your body for you, and thus she has influence over the soul who needs tools for its upcoming life. A precursor you see to physical life as if you were in the classroom and the teacher says "now on earth, you need this and that to survive, and here is the world view you will have, here is what I want you to know"

In that context, you were conditioned, period. That is where the conflict rises as you get older and in your struggles to determine if those beliefs are valid, or you should develop your own. Now telepathically you still relate to her although the filter is able to catch more of it, the filter of discrimination.

The anxiety you have, the health problems, these can be traced to conditioning, conflicts, and unresolved guilt.

(The mental disorders, ADD/ADHD, anxiety, and general skepticism of other humans I am in contact or communications with, have been with me since birth. I recall all of that. I wasn't quite like other children. My Sister is the same way. We are both conditioned in an odd way and manner as her and I both were deeply troubled as youngsters. She quit school and ran away. I did the same generally speaking. I was also locked in my room as a child so that my mother could get a break. My Sister was treated the same way. Yes, there were many conflicts and much troubles in both of our lives. My Sister was pregnant at a young age and my Mother forced her to abort, twice. Drove to New York to do that terrible deed. I recall the stories. I had more criminal convictions then any other juvenile in this State, in the 1980's. Multiple charges, misdemeanors, and 4 felonies. I was headed to prison at 16 if I didn't stop acting like an idiot. I chose to stop, and never broke another law instead. That was tough, because what I was doing was fun to me. I was an adrenaline addict. I wish I would have chose mountain climbing or sky diving instead. I hurt many people back then. It wasn't until I actually looked at both of my parents grief, when I was in court for the last time, that I made the decision to quit being a dumbass. I "felt" their sorrow. I then became a good person to everyone, everywhere, kind, caring, compassionate, to complete strangers. That of course, I would have robbed from before. Your words are extremely enlightening to me. Hmmm...thinking, thinking, trying to understand.)

(The health problems? I have a rare disease called relapsing polychondritis. My Sister also has this disease. It affects about 3000 people in the World. It has proven to be something related to our genetics. Our ancestory. The Swedish. I have searched as far back as I can to try to find the answers, the persons inflicted with conditions like this. All I have learned is the names of the towns where our heritage began, when, who they were, when they lived and died, when they traveled to the States, where they arrived, where they went and called home. I wish I knew more. I don't know what it would prove or how it would benefit me in present day but it's still interesting information to learn about and have knowledge of...hmmm....)

(Unresolved guilt? I am trying to dig deep inside to find that now. I would usually file that feeling away, dispose of it, or maybe it is truly just "hidden"? On the surface, I have no guilt, no shame but maybe it is impacting my future and daily life in some way.)

That is oversimplified but I give away too much as it is, already labeled a crackpot.

Her sympathy, compassion is good, however, by the law of attraction she does not know how to relate in a constructive manner. Constructive thoughts would be:

"This person is ill, rather than see them as sick or some deficit, I will picture them in love and light, the bright light of healing as it surrounds them, comforts them. I surround them with my loving energy"

(No, she doesn't now how to relate anything in a constructive manner, or a positive manner. I find it hard to understand how someone in her position, lifestyle, way of life, good health with no diseases or disabilities, with tons of money, with everything that one could ever want or need, can present nothing in a positive way, light, or meaning. I can not relate to her "presentation" or "views" of life. Be it her life, my life, my kids lives, or a friends life, or a friend of a friends life...I am baffled here.)

Now that build up the defenses of the ill for they feel your intent, rather than commiserating adding more negativity. And tearing down the natural defenses. If you believed in telepathy, you would think more constructively, you see, for you would realize it is fruitless to offer more sorrow and compound the problems.

(I do believe in telepathy. I also believe strongly in empathy and the ability to see and feel things that are unexplainable and tough to understand and decipher. I am highly intuitive. I don't always like that either. I have struggled with empathy in the past. I had felt as if it was a curse at one time. I didn't like being able to see and feel the things that I could. I would become very anxious, upset, agitated, angry, depressed, and could step easily into someone else's shoes if I wanted too. I am practicing how to become more "grounded". To protect my positive energy, from energy vampires. They are every where. I think that I now live in the same home with one. Which is why I try to ignore, evade, not communicate with, my parent. Is she a vampire? I need more work to better understand this and a better way to block out her negativity. Or should I just practice how to view her differently? This is extremely difficult for me to paint a pretty picture that isn't really there...hmmm...I'm trying.)

And by speaking negatively about her, you are no better than her speaking negatively about another, again, you picked it up from her. You need to break the cycle. As I suggested by seeing a human as whole, and empathizing with the challenges. Then building up the resistance by picturing them as perfect and healthy, happy, joyful, whatever situation they may be in, you picture the best outcome and let it go. Even as they lay dieing, you hold them in the best light of love with no pity, no guilt, no shame, no sorrow. That is not love......although you may not understand, this is all so difficult to word, and also given the comprehension level of the people who should read it.

(Yes, correct. Speaking badly about her makes me no better than her. I have never spoken badly about others, to others, until I was forced to move in here. I learned this from her, and it is all about her. So, I should somehow picture her as happy, joyful, pleasant to be around, kind, caring, compassionate, when she carries around a black cloud every where she goes...negative energy. When anyone has ever asked her for help, she fights, squirms, is uneasy, unpleasant, and if help is given it comes with rules, regulations, restrictions, guidelines, of her own making to attempt to shape the World as she sees fit, in her eyes, in her mind. This one is also going to be very tough, hard to accomplish, difficult to see, to understand, to maintain...hmmm..thinking, thinking..)

[I]Lastly the thread title, "searching for anything good" is a belief she taught you, also through telepathy plus word, deed. She is still teaching you her beliefs from your conversation recently. She is searching for anything good, constantly, but searching, she cannot find and thus she is unable to see creation as whole, healthy, willing and able. Symbolically, the searching implies lack, period. Somehow negativity will help she reasons, More distortions.

(I do search for anything good daily. It is elusive but I still try. She however, is now searching for her vodka at this moment because it's that time of day here. She is self medicating. Trying to cover up the issues, thoughts, guilt, grief, troubles, in her own mind. She says that alcohol isn't a drug. Says that it's so sad that I have to take so many different pills. I find this time of day to be the most frustrating for her beliefs are idiotic. She will be staggering around shortly. Talking to her dog as if it's a person. And then of course, finding something irrelevant to say to me, about something completely and totally irrelevant, stupid, and unfounded, that no one can do anything about..just blabbering more or less. That's when I will usually say to shut up please, and go share your drunken thoughts and words with someone who wants to hear them.)

There is much more, but I will leave it at that.

Thank you for all of that, I really appreciate every word and you've given me.

E-Man.. :)

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you for all of that, I really appreciate every word and you've given me.

E-Man.. :)

I am struggling here....and thats unusual.......Your mother, is an idea, period. literally speaking. I hope to show you why your thoughts are so important.

First there is spirit, with an idea of itself, it then constructs a projection in terms of matter. It is done quite naturally of course. You do not have to create your body, it is done for you. But you do shape it and condition it.

Your mother than, is an idea image or mental construction. Her image is reinforced by the projections those that come into contact, reinforcing the structure, which first is psychological.

Now, if you see her as drunk, talking with the dog, abusive, or whatever, then her construction is validated, and In certain terms you become a part of it. That challenges you, and brings discomfort.

Seeing the construction as something that it is not will tear down the barriers of the self confined within it, intuitively she will begin to see herself in a different light. You cannot change her,,but you can project upon her whatever you wish....giving psychic impetus to change through your mental projections. You literally see what you intend to see.

That is why it is important to discern judgement beforehand...."she really is good, and that is what I want to see", as you picture this and that.....but ultimately free will prevails, if she does not change and resists the mental stimulus, then she will disappear from your life because you no longer attract each other.....which is one reason you resist any change. On the one hand you can't stand it, and on the other you don't want to lose her. The guilt you spoke of searching for is within this conflict. As a child, mom had to be good, it is healthier for the child to see themselves bad than the caregiver...mom was good, you were bad....to a certain extent now, you put up with it still...it raises a feeling of guilt, to see mom as bad, your flesh and blood. And I use good and bad here loosely for a descriptive purposes.

She may also react to the stimulus positively and you'll have a changed woman in your life. Either way you must examine the reasoning for the attraction and say "if mom doesn't change, and the forces separate us because we no longer see eye to eye, how does that make me feel?"

I hope you understand this, because it is you that keeps things together by agreeing with her projections, should you protest, or see her in a different light, you may lose her, not death now, but go your separate ways.

Keeping this short..er, I can go all day, but I think it's enough here.

[happylife]

Positive thinking always helps me too. :)

[Dahila]

Person positive thinking helps himself only, does not change other people, too much philosophy here and not enough life guys

[Enduronman]

Your mother, is an idea, period. literally speaking. First there is spirit, with an idea of itself, it then constructs a projection in terms of matter. Your mother than, is an idea image or mental construction. Her image is reinforced by the projections those that come into contact, reinforcing the structure, which first is psychological. Now, if you see her as drunk, talking with the dog, abusive, or whatever, then her construction is validated, and In certain terms you become a part of it. That challenges you, and brings discomfort. Seeing the construction as something that it is not will tear down the barriers of the self confined within it, intuitively she will begin to see herself in a different light. You cannot change her,,but you can project upon her whatever you wish....giving psychic impetus to change through your mental projections. You literally see what you intend to see. She may also react to the stimulus positively and you'll have a changed woman in your life. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS!

You, Mr. I'm Suffering are f**kin brilliant! I use the F bomb there loosely to excitedly validate a very descriptive purpose, sense, or feeling.
I am going to see her construction, as something that it (she) is not and projectively impose, transpose an (my own) image upon her whether she likes it or not.
No more allowing the Energy Vampire to drain me of my available positive energy, positive outlook, positive light, that which I choose to have, keep, and hold. (Even in a World of Shit). LOL!
"I will see the best in this person, as whole, complete, capable entity, (even if my eyes disagree) for my eyes are part of this illusion" PERIOD....
This will be tough to "see her in a different light" but today, I will try...
I might even really just throw her whole day off by saying "good morning Mom!"..hit her when she least expects it.
She isn't going to be allowed to control MY moods anymore with her negative, selfish, pessimism and generally shitty outlook on "life".
A new perspective and image is now in the works! YAY!!
Thank you for all of your help, I do fully comprehend and understand it.
Today will be a good day!
Wishing you all the best friend. :)

Mr. Enduring Man. :)

[Im-Suffering]

You, Mr. I'm Suffering are f**kin brilliant! I use the F bomb there loosely to excitedly validate a very descriptive purpose, sense, or feeling.
I am going to see her construction, as something that it (she) is not and projectively impose, transpose an (my own) image upon her whether she likes it or not.
No more allowing the Energy Vampire to drain me of my available positive energy, positive outlook, positive light, that which I choose to have, keep, and hold. (Even in a World of Shit). LOL!
"I will see the best in this person, as whole, complete, capable entity, (even if my eyes disagree) for my eyes are part of this illusion" PERIOD....
This will be tough to "see her in a different light" but today, I will try...
I might even really just throw her whole day off by saying "good morning Mom!"..hit her when she least expects it.
She isn't going to be allowed to control MY moods anymore with her negative, selfish, pessimism and generally shitty outlook on "life".
A new perspective and image is now in the works! YAY!!
Thank you for all of your help, I do fully comprehend and understand it.
Today will be a good day!
Wishing you all the best friend. :)

Mr. Enduring Man. :)

You're welcome. Catcha later.

[happylife]

I am so happy for you and to see such positivity here!!!

http://www.relax.com-inspired.com/free-ebook

[Dahila]

Eman whenever you are in presence of energy vampire cover yourself in the light bubble , it stops the stream;) Do u understand ?

[Enduronman]

Eman whenever you are in presence of energy vampire cover yourself in the light bubble , it stops the stream;) Do u understand ?

I understand fully Dahl!
I am working on that today. It seems to be going ok so far.
I do however, still have an issue that I can't figure out although I'm laughin as I type this now.
My parent watches television programs in the morning, that make me want to grab both of my 9mm handguns, and blow the tv screen out..emptying both clips of course.
They are People's Court and Paternity Court programs. The people talking sound like complete idiots. And, it gives me terrible anxiety listening to the shows. I do go and hide in another room, or in the garage, for the hour. LMAO!!
What I can't figure out is why these stupid programs upset me so much, when my girlfriend is a Judge and listens to that garbage every day for her job!!!....She doesn't talk a lot about it, but when she does I try to block it out..
It causes me anxiety to hear stupid stories, about the cases that she sometimes hears...I usually just ask her kindly to stop and she does. Yet, she ALWAYS says that "these are not your problems so why does it affect you?"
I literally don't know the answer to that question! I don't know why it bothers me..I just don't want to hear it. I think I "internalize" everyone else's problems because of this empathy issue that haunts me?
That's the only thing that I can come up with...it somehow impacts my mood. Just like those idiotic programs.
I am hiding in another room now. YAY!!
Trying to remain positive! But also trying to figure this issue out too....hmmm...:/

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Put your headphones on, In my situation I take my hearing aids on and I am happy. No hearing no bother. I do not watch tv and for sure not the reality tv, people lost my respect, I think 99 % of them are simply dummies

[needtogetwell]

Hey Eman!

Wow, both our lives are s#*t piles! You have so much going on.

It's not often I agree with I'm-suffering but this time I think he might be on to something.

The value and power of being positive is really easily forgotten when the doo doo piles up. And man am I in a pile right now.

So going to do what I can to put a smile on my face and believe that everything will turn out ok.

I haven't been around much lately, not in a great frame of mind to help anyone else out, but you my friend are special, along with Dahila.

I want nothing but the best for you!
Cheers my friend.
Pam

[Enduronman]

Hey Dahl and Pam!

Yes, people that are in those reality tv shows are generally complete idiots! I wish I had some head phones! For now, I'll just hide in another room where the tv is louder or in the garage..LOL!
Good to see you Pam. Sorry about life in The Pile of Shit! I know the feeling all to well...
I did try some of Mr. Suffering's suggestions yesterday and it was actually a good day with minimal stomach distress, minimal anxiety, and I actually spoke to my Mom too..
She acted somewhat "civilized" which isn't generally normal or common but it was because I acted "civilized" first, an act, pretending, an illusion of sort.
Believe that everything will turn out OK, convince yourself of that, practice that, and the days will get easier to deal with.
If you're not in the greatest frame of mind, then come around more often as we can work together to help smooth things over a bit.
Wishing you the best as well friend!

E-Man :)

[happylife]

Yes, it is really bad when "The Pile" piles up but every day is a new day for new beginnings. Just hold onto until tomorrow, as the positive note goes....

http://www.relax.com-inspired.com/free-ebook

[Enduronman]

"The Pile"

Yes, a big pile of shit, figuratively speaking!
Hopefully today is a better day as there were MANY additional stressors and issues that arose yesterday.
Causing heightened anxiety in me of course.
Things don't always go as planned and if something could go wrong, it pretty much did.
My Dad always reminds me that it could always be worse. I can appreciate that statement. It makes me feel better about my situations.
Although my legs are f**kin killing me daily, they could always be gone instead. At least I still have legs.
I did finally get some more custom pain cream for the back of my neck so that's helpful too. Not so painful as it was.
And it was 125.00 cheaper then the other place I was getting it too. That's a good thing!
My daughter actually did something that she said she would do too, (which is rare) and got her therapist to lower her hourly rate from 110.00 to 20.00 per week. Another good thing!
She is also moving back in with my Dad today too, I didn't figure the other place would last all that long anyway. She'll be safer there. Free from Judgment. A good thing!
I think that this day will be a good day. I will actually have the house to myself. Free to rest and relax in peace and quiet...I LOVE peace and quiet.
Hopes that everyone has a great day!
Trying to remain positive!

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Oh no, the first sore throat of the year. Winter is approaching. I think I'll just take a pill.
My Saturday was actually quite nice. Quiet. Got to lay on the couch all day and watch football, a funny Will Ferrell movie, and also some Sponge Bob too. (Mother was gone all day!) YAY!
I also didn't receive any text, calls, or emails from anyone either. Usually do, and usually something stressful. That was nice too. (rare) YAY!
I went to bed at 930 also, early for me but I forgot that I only sleep about 7 hours so I'm up at 5am of course. Way to early for this shit, but I feel ok so far and this is my "stress free" time too.
I am usually suggesting to others here, to open up and tell your family how you feel about things. Well, I did, and told my Mom that her words cause me heightened anxiety.
Especially when she starts talking about someone else and their problems, issues, troubles. She likes to talk about others, because she really has no problems to speak of. It worked. YAY!
I think today is going to be a great day. May even go visit my Dad, daughter, and change the oil in my piece O shit car too. May has well take advantage of this 80 degree weather.
The leaves are already starting to fall though, bushes turning colors, but I like fall anyway. Bring on the cooler weather, and the Holidays, and candy too. LOL! YAY!
I won't have to search far for anything good as good things are happening around here now. Well that's odd, but I'll take it. I've been patient...
Another doctors visit coming up, and also a tissue biopsy as well. I hope they find something new. I'm ready for it. Maybe that will be the end of healthcare things for awhile. YAY! :)
Hopes that everyone has a good day today and finds something good to focus on...
It will get better!

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

You cannot escape your own attitudes, for they will form the nature of what you see. Quite literally you see what you want to see; and you see your own thoughts and emotional attitudes materialized in physical form. If changes are to occur, they must be mental and psychic changes. These will be reflected in your environment. Negative, distrustful, fearful, or degrading attitudes toward anyone work against the self.

Telepathy operates constantly. If you continually expect an individual to behave in a particular manner, then you are constantly sending him telepathic suggestions that he will do so. Each individual reacts to suggestion. According to the specific conditions existing at the time, such an individual will to some extent or another act according to the mass suggestions he receives.

These mass suggestions include not only those given to him by others, both verbally and telepathically, but also those he has given to himself, both in the waking and dream states. If an individual is in a state of despondency, this is because he has already become prey to negative suggestions of his own and others

What you see in others is the materialization-the projection of what you think you are-not necessarily, however, of what you are. For example, if others seem deceitful to you, it is because you deceive yourself, and then project this outward upon others.

...If an individual sees only evil and desolation in the physical world, it is because he is obsessed with evil and desolation and projects them outward, and closes his eyes to all else. If you want to know what you think of yourself, then ask yourself what you think of others, and you will find your answer.

...and all of this without his realizing his basic concept of himself, and without recognizing that he projects his feared weaknesses outward unto others

People react to negative suggestions only when their own frame of mind is negative. Then we close ourselves off from the constructive energies we need.

[Dahila]

Oh my Eman life is not treating me well either. It seems that I can not have the only thing I desire in this life, does not matter how hard I work and how positive I am and what messages I send :)))))))))))))) I am lol ;)

[Im-Suffering]

Even when the post explaining it all to you is right before your eyes, all of you, you still act as stubborn children throwing tantrums, kicking and screaming against it. My post on this page at the top, two above this one, again, describes the attraction of negativity.

Who would want to believe this about themselves, it good for the soul? (quote from the post above this one)-

"Oh my Eman life is not treating me well either. It seems that I can not have the only thing I desire in this life, does not matter how hard I work and how positive I am and what messages I send ))))))))))))) I am lol"

This Dahila, whoever that ego is at the moment, is particularly interesting, because it will fight tooth and nail to maintain its beliefs, even as they are no good for its development, and, even as they change moment to moment, period. Most disturbing is it knows it's thoughts are not constructive, and at the same time trying to convince itself it is 'good'. A life long conflict. This ego has given up, feels at such and such its age works against it, and it is what it is. It seeks the company of a select few here, and elsewhere who also maintain such negative ideas. Believing in reincarnation, this one knows if it does not straighten out, it will have to do it again, but even then, it struggles. And I am not picking on anyone in particular. I am just showing the examples of my post, in action. Or acted out.

Negativity is contagious, and you all are susceptible to it, as the mood here swings back and forth as the wind blows, or should I say, someone blows the wind. If there is but one thing you are in control of, it is your mind. The number one destroyer of a life is its potential tendency to fall prey to negativity from both within and outside forces.

I will repeat the post again below.

[Im-Suffering]

Yet again:


You cannot escape your own attitudes, for they will form the nature of what you see. Quite literally you see what you want to see; and you see your own thoughts and emotional attitudes materialized in physical form. If changes are to occur, they must be mental and psychic changes. These will be reflected in your environment. Negative, distrustful, fearful, or degrading attitudes toward anyone work against the self.

Telepathy operates constantly. If you continually expect an individual to behave in a particular manner, then you are constantly sending him telepathic suggestions that he will do so. Each individual reacts to suggestion. According to the specific conditions existing at the time, such an individual will to some extent or another act according to the mass suggestions he receives.

These mass suggestions include not only those given to him by others, both verbally and telepathically, but also those he has given to himself, both in the waking and dream states. If an individual is in a state of despondency, this is because he has already become prey to negative suggestions of his own and others

What you see in others is the materialization-the projection of what you think you are-not necessarily, however, of what you are. For example, if others seem deceitful to you, it is because you deceive yourself, and then project this outward upon others.

...If an individual sees only evil and desolation in the physical world, it is because he is obsessed with evil and desolation and projects them outward, and closes his eyes to all else. If you want to know what you think of yourself, then ask yourself what you think of others, and you will find your answer.

...and all of this without his realizing his basic concept of himself, and without recognizing that he projects his feared weaknesses outward unto others

People react to negative suggestions only when their own frame of mind is negative. Then we close ourselves off from the constructive energies we need.

[Dahila]

nothing to do with ego, I desire something for others;)))) it was interesting but again not bull eye. I am not sure I am negative. I do not think so. Life is tough and we not always get what we want. I does not change a thing. We go on because it is written in our genes;)) Survival:) Survival then death. I am survivor of NDE and I had never preach like you. What's the hell wrong with me, could I be spiritual like you? hehe I am teasing you right now, trying to get through the triple hard shell you closed yourself in. eh

[Im-Suffering]

nothing to do with ego, I desire something for others;)))) it was interesting but again not bull eye. I am not sure I am negative. I do not think so. Life is tough and we not always get what we want. I does not change a thing. We go on because it is written in our genes;)) Survival:) Survival then death. I am survivor of NDE and I had never preach like you. What's the hell wrong with me, could I be spiritual like you? hehe I am teasing you right now, trying to get through the triple hard shell you closed yourself in. eh

When I was 12, don't remember exactly. (40 years ago) I had gone to a sleep away camp for the summer and we went on a white water canoe trip. I practiced a lot with my best buddy around the camp lake, but that was nothing to prepare us for the violent river. We sort of bounced off this rock I remember during a very turbulent portion and the canoe literally flipped over on top of us. We spun upside down, and I remember being dragged under by the current while trying to hold the boat up, because if we dropped it, it would have landed on our heads. So we were partially drowning, and being pulled under trying to hold this aluminum canoe literally above water. The force of the water was overbearing, I never felt such power.

I remember that fear, but I don't remember exactly what saved us or happened next....I'm blank at that point. When you mentioned NDE it brought back that memory. I could be a ghost right now, who could tell the difference?

[Dahila]

This is why I do not negate anything, everything is possible, as I said I do not need much, i have everything I had ever wanted. I want something for other people, it is true is for my loved ones , but not only........ Yeah you brought back memories for me too. It was 32 years ago, I just had my first child, so I was grown up. It was kind of incredible. I am still wondering if it is chemicals in our brain when we are dying? Who knows, we can speculate...can we not?

[Enduronman]

A good day overall!
Just watched the 49'ers beat the Eagles..
Which made it a great day!
YAY!!!

E-Man... :D

[Dahila]

Eman you just made me happy :)))

[Enduronman]

I have plans to make this a good day too.
I'm going to get out of here for a little while, visit with my Dad and youngest daughter, and enjoy this 80 degree fall day..
Not many more of them left I'm sure.
Hopes that everyone has a great day!

E-Man :rolleyes:

[Dahila]

Next weekend I am traveling to US and hope the weather will keep nice ;)) have a wonderful day Eman

[Enduronman]

My girlfriend sent me an email this morning with a couple of really interesting statements in it:
We can choose what attitude to take with regard to circumstances beyond our own control.
Belief = our perception of the truth, not the truth itself.
I have found those to be very interesting statements today and am thinking them through, over and over. LOL!!
Have a great day!
Off to the doctors again...YAY!

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

very smart statements Eman, this is usually what I am trying to think when something does not go the way i want

[Enduronman]

Off to surgery.
They're going to knock me out for a biopsy of the leg.
Hell, Gimme the damn scalpel and I'll cut you a piece off without all this dumbshit!!
I can't take my meds, can't drink coffee, can't have my orange juice, and have to drive for a damn hour to get there!!
I was thinking that this was going to be pretty cool, until I read the papers this morning...now I'm not so sure.

E-Man :(

[Dahila]

It is going to be ok, you will survive without coffee and forget damn paper. Good luck eman:)

[Enduronman]

The surgery went well.
In fact, that's friggin AWESOME to be knocked out like that...so peaceful.
I don't remember a damn thing either. YAY!!!
Hope everyone is having a great day!

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

I am happy to hear it:)) You have a wonderful day as well ;)

[Enduronman]

Another day..
My gf also had an exam yesterday which turned out to be a biopsy, the doc said that he found something wrong. Another new issue, another new stressor, hoping that she's ok.
Its always something, just when you think that things just might calm down, part of being a human I guess...grrrrrr
Going to try to make the best of the day somehow!
Hope everyone is doing well..

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Yeah it is always something , when everything goes right for a sec I start to relax and then bumbum something happens:) I am older than you and the most peace I had was like a week but so long ago I forget it all;)

[Enduronman]

My gf and her mood seems to be holding up ok considering the apprehension of waiting for results of the biopsy.
I guess my mood is doing ok at the moment too but the waiting is causing increased tension and anxiety obviously.
All we can do is hope for the best because it's beyond our own control.
If they find something, we'll just have to deal with it.
Have a great day!

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

So much for my morning quiet time!
My Mom is already up, along with the barking dog, dishes clanging around, and the tv too..
I should have gotten up earlier..(sigh)
Hopefully, its a good day anyway.
At least I'll be able to watch some football I guess. Yay.
Have a great day!

E-Man. :)

[1Bluerose68]

Hi Enduroman, I just read your background history post/thread? and feel somewhat overwhelmed for you. It seems like you are 1 of those parents or family members in a situation called,"Co-Dependency." But it sounds like at least Not all of these dysfunctional members are w/ you all the time. I would change my phone # and Not allow the worst 1z to call and overwhelm me any further. I think I would kick out the meth abusing one, if under age, stick it in a group home(No glamour resort stuff). I would go for a massage at least 2x per week for the body pain stuff and jerky movements, and try drinking teas that may help put your mind at ease after all the bad 1's are physically out the door.......Then try and surround yourself with only good, healthy, non-dysfunctional things in life, like innocent animals that may be saved from the pound, or fish that never talk back to you, or even nice screen saver on your computer w/ calming background sounds.

[1Bluerose68]

Many people sure read your post. What are you a movie star or something???

[1Bluerose68]

I didn't realize that you resided w/ a parent. I had read your descriptive background post/thread? and didn't see that minor detail. You are over 21 y/o right??? Are you a retired vet? Sounds like some PTSD stuff in the posts I have read. They have many support groups for this, even online. How do you move about? You have someone who drives you places?

[1Bluerose68]

Isnt stress and trauma induced amnesia or blackouts strange? I had that too when I slipped and fell at age 4 off a curb/wall. I only recall what happened before I got back up. I suppose its good that my mind chooses what memories I am allowed to recall. Otherwise I might hunch over a lil more everyday that I had to remember ALL the bad stuff. It's like my notebook that makes me renew the memory every 2 years when the data becomes too full. I must remember to purchase backup for the next time I do that too.

1Bluerose68

[melissa90]

I agree -- looking for the positives are the way to go. I myself have put up a son for adoption (my decision) and I remember feeling like I didn't know how I was going to cope with the anxiety and sadness. Yet 3 years later, here I am and I am ok and he is better than ok -- it has turned out to be quite a blessing for me, and introduced the amazing love of a mother into my life. My anxiety attacks started when a friend committed suicide at the age of 18 --- no matter how bad it looks, it gets better.

Hang in there,

Melissa

[Enduronman]

Many people sure read your post. What are you a movie star or something???

You made me laugh! THANK YOU!
My oldest daughter is now pregnant again but seems to be doing better than the first 2 times. She doesn't have custody of either Son because of drugs.
My youngest daughter was arrested 4 times for meth, but is now on probation, drug tests, community service, and lives with my Father.
I am disabled, 46 years old, and live with my Mother who is an alcoholic. Yes. PTSD for sure..
I'm going to see a Psychologist this week for some help with my mental health as medications can only do so much to help calm my mind. I am extremely stressed and anxious daily.
I live on pain killers, medication for nerve pain, and anti anxiety meds so I can actually walk and drive, just not comfortably. Always neck, back, ankle, knee pains.
Have a good day and thank you for your thoughts friend!

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

I agree -- looking for the positives are the way to go. I myself have put up a son for adoption (my decision) and I remember feeling like I didn't know how I was going to cope with the anxiety and sadness. Yet 3 years later, here I am and I am ok and he is better than ok -- it has turned out to be quite a blessing for me, and introduced the amazing love of a mother into my life. My anxiety attacks started when a friend committed suicide at the age of 18 --- no matter how bad it looks, it gets better.

Hang in there,

Melissa

Yes, always looking for something positive to be happy about.
My youngest daughter actually started my day off well by sending me a photo of her doing her school work. She's a senior for the 2nd year and needs 7 credits to graduate.
It's hard to keep her focused on that task, even though she can do all of her school work online, and from home.
I hope your anxiety attacks get better, you sound as if you've got a great outlook on things too and that's very helpful for you.
Searching for anything good! YAY!!!
Have a great day Melissa and thank you for your thoughts too.

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

You made me laugh! THANK YOU!
My oldest daughter is now pregnant again but seems to be doing better than the first 2 times. She doesn't have custody of either Son because of drugs.
My youngest daughter was arrested 4 times for meth, but is now on probation, drug tests, community service, and lives with my Father.
I am disabled, 46 years old, and live with my Mother who is an alcoholic. Yes. PTSD for sure..
I'm going to see a Psychologist this week for some help with my mental health as medications can only do so much to help calm my mind. I am extremely stressed and anxious daily.
I live on pain killers, medication for nerve pain, and anti anxiety meds so I can actually walk and drive, just not comfortably. Always neck, back, ankle, knee pains.
Have a good day and thank you for your thoughts friend!

E-Man :)

Guilt, is the reason for your health issues, period. I will not tell you how many sojourns you have wrestled with it but this is not the first. The environs all are meant to trigger self growth, in a way that previous incarnations you have shunned, do you understand? So the problems this life must be met, you can squiggle and squirm, but you cannot avoid. You set it up this way. One thing you had sufficiently developed was enough courage to take it on all at once.

Tell the psychologist you wish to be pulled from your current framework. And you must accept this retreat without guilt. You must make first....a decision. Which thus far you have not done. You are stuck, period. What started many years ago as harmless drama and fun is now quicksand. I am attempting to save your life. Not that you need saving, for the soul will be enriched in certain areas from what you have learned in this sojourn. But overall pain is self inflicted and generally not preferable to growth unless the entity feels no other way to attack the problems you came here to attack.

I am telling you to take a vacation from your current life. And if that involves removing self from family, children, all of it, then so be it. The side of the coin you are living is a trance state, and I for a few brief moments will interrupt that, allowing some degree of clarity in.

Others must live their life, and be allowed to make mistakes or act a fool without you shaking in your boots with them, for when you go for tests it is you alone that suffer.

The following statement you will not understand, but one day the shell will open revealing its pearl :

There is only you, there is no one else.

Now, in closing and again, work on guilt with your new friend the therapist, and then work on pulling yourself out of the idea of yourself, and the concept of your life.

I am here speaking to myself, for there is only me, and my idea of who I am, but in utterly being me, I have a ripple effect, universally, because we are all one. It does your family no good to be unhealthy (you), for in what is the highest regard for self, is always the best for others, period.

If others around you are acting foolish, or beneath themselves it is not for you to join them, but to lovingly separate yourself lest you become a fool. If you see yourself at your best, then you will see others at their best, and if they act in contrast to that, you will move away from them. Let the guilt be broken, for once and for all.

Are you acting, thinking, being, in your best interests, every moment of every day?

End/

[Enduronman]

Guilt, is the reason for your health issues, period. I am telling you to take a vacation from your current life. And if that involves removing self from family, children, all of it, then so be it. The side of the coin you are living is a trance state, and I for a few brief moments will interrupt that, allowing some degree of clarity in. There is only you, there is no one else.
Now, in closing and again, work on guilt with your new friend the therapist, and then work on pulling yourself out of the idea of yourself, and the concept of your life. If others around you are acting foolish, or beneath themselves it is not for you to join them, but to lovingly separate yourself lest you become a fool. If you see yourself at your best, then you will see others at their best, and if they act in contrast to that, you will move away from them. Let the guilt be broken, for once and for all. Are you acting, thinking, being, in your best interests, every moment of every day?

Chronic stress, anxiety, panic, trigeminal neuralgia, shingles, relapsing polychondritis, spondylosis, retrolisthesis, tremors, severe joint pains, and disability is all caused by my guilt?
I can not find nor figure out what I am guilty about or feel guilty of...hmmm, thinking.
I like your perspectives. Thoughts. Perception of things as disclosed..
I will discuss this possibility with the Psych this week. Interesting concept, idea, philosophy.
I don't know if I am living just for "me" everyday. I honestly don't have that answer.
Thank you for the depth of your reply friend, another way to look at things, and I will have to dig deep to find this answer.
Blessings to you!

E-Man..

[Im-Suffering]

Chronic stress, anxiety, panic, trigeminal neuralgia, shingles, relapsing polychondritis, spondylosis, retrolisthesis, tremors, severe joint pains, and disability is all caused by my guilt?
I can not find nor figure out what I am guilty about or feel guilty of...hmmm, thinking.
I like your perspectives. Thoughts. Perception of things as disclosed..
I will discuss this possibility with the Psych this week. Interesting concept, idea, philosophy.
I don't know if I am living just for "me" everyday. I honestly don't have that answer.
Thank you for the depth of your reply friend, another way to look at things, and I will have to dig deep to find this answer.
Blessings to you!

E-Man..

Guilt is age old and its admittantly irresponsible of me to raise it if you would not understand or remember it, but I am trying here dealing best with what I have. Trying to squeeze boundless concepts into words which by their very definitions have limited meaning and boundaries. Guilt is to be felt, if you feel it, it feels like illness, do you understand? The illness or dis-ease is symbolic, period. Now I know this is very deep for a message board, and that is a joke in itself, but we are old friends, and here we have met, so be it.

Guilt is the plight of the human spirit, and the cause of many physical ailments. The ones you mentioned are not unique.

Listen to me, in the course of a life, we do things we regret, period. Now, after 500 years of daily accumulated regret, without the thought to purge them, or release. And with the idea of punishment, rather than what guilt was intended for, you have accumulated repression, which manifests itself as challenges in the current life, or what you call disease as a means to an end, a way to highlight the challenge to be overcome. You want truth? We have been it all, in this human game, as the centuries pass, for what you see in your brothers we ourselves have been. From murderers, to petty criminals, from poverty to wealth, from illness to health, doctors, lawyers, deputy's to outlaws. War mongrels to peacekeepers, poets to priests, mothers to fathers....what do you think we are up to in this game of life. Can you see the guilt stored over the centuries? The human life at some point is a release. You cannot release the pain after you are dead, then you have not learned the firsthand lessons ! No you must do it again ! Then when the lessons are learned, and felt, and experienced, you can go and play in a different reality, we shall call it high school, where now we are in kindercare, period..

Do you understand the above paragraph? (An almost clear pure spiritual message) Sit back and think - guilt in its basic sense was meant as a lesson, ' in the now' - ' ok, I won't do this again', and release it.....the above paragraph in itself has life changing properties.

There are no physical diseases placed upon you, for the sake of a body with no defenses to attacks by force out of your control, and against your will?

It is my fault, I have been trying to reach you since time immemorial here and I am failing - to an extent...you can see the limits of primitive communication, words, to describe feelings - feelings are limitless where words are restrictive - but these posts of disruption will always be here to look back on, so I have made my mark, if you will.

Feel the messages given to you, feel the above bolded paragraph. In a sense you are afraid to feel because feelings bring pain to you. You certainly feel physical pain because that pain is representative of the inner feelings you turn away from. So your body, being your closest ally, tries to tell you the truth amidst all the lies you attempt to feed it.

I want you to make the correlation between guilt and pain, guilt is love turned inside out and distorted. it is meant to turn one back to love after the guilt is resolved. Love is the basis for all human acts. One that hates is only trying to resolve the separation he feels from love, therefor hate expressed will lead one back to love.

When you see your therapist, which I am happy about, work on you....not mom, the kids, the illness', it's easy to divert, bob and weave. "What do I have to accomplish here, to going forth live my life joyfully, finding my expression, pleasure, passion.." And you will see as time passes the pain will subside, the body will heal, to allow happiness in, you see. The body is always willing.

The body has within it the genetic coding from eons past, of optimum health, and is always striving for the best body possible, but it must operate under certain conditions with you at the helm you see. I want you to understand the body is coded for health. And left on its own would return to optimum performance. That is often the case in miracle cures where the personality has simply changed its beliefs. "A change of heart", period, end of message.

[Enduronman]

Guilt is to be felt, if you feel it, it feels like illness, do you understand? The illness or dis-ease is symbolic, period. Now I know this is very deep for a message board, and that is a joke in itself, but we are old friends, and here we have met, so be it. The ones you mentioned are not unique. And with the idea of punishment, rather than what guilt was intended for, you have accumulated repression, which manifests itself as challenges in the current life, or what you call disease as a means to an end, a way to highlight the challenge to be overcome. Can you see the guilt stored over the centuries? Do you understand the above paragraph? (An almost clear pure spiritual message) Sit back and think - guilt in its basic sense was meant as a lesson, ' in the now' - ' ok, I won't do this again', and release it.....the above paragraph in itself has life changing properties. There are no physical diseases placed upon you, for the sake of a body with no defenses to attacks by force out of your control, and against your will?

It is my fault, I have been trying to reach you since time immemorial here and I am failing - to an extent...you can see the limits of primitive communication, words, to describe feelings - feelings are limitless where words are restrictive - but these posts of disruption will always be here to look back on, so I have made my mark, if you will. Feel the messages given to you, feel the above bolded paragraph. (In a sense you are afraid to feel because feelings bring pain to you.) You certainly feel physical pain because that pain is representative of the inner feelings you turn away from. So your body, being your closest ally, tries to tell you the truth amidst all the lies you attempt to feed it.

One that hates is only trying to resolve the separation he feels from love, therefor hate expressed will lead one back to love.

hmmm..
Maybe, I do feel guilty of a divorce in 2006.
Maybe, I do feel guilty that my children's Mother decided to abandon them in 2007.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of having to go bankrupt in 2008.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of not paying my State taxes in 2009 and they levied my bank accounts for $8000.00 that same year.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about watching my daughters both struggle without their Mother in 2010, when the trigeminal neuralgia arrived. Rare disease. 150,000 people in the US with this. 25% of them, men.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about not being a better parent to them although I thought I was doing the best that I could have at the time when the shingles arrived in 2011.
Maybe, I did feel guilty about watching my daughter become a drug addict in March of 2012, passed out, sitting in a chair that was on fire, with the door open and cold outside, with a Grandson on the floor crawling.
Then, the arrival of this relapsing polychondritis in May of that year. Very rare disease. 3000 people in the entire world with it. My Sister being one of them. And the issues, troubles, pain, problems it brought into my life.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about realizing that my other daughter had also become a drug addict as well. The arrests. The charges. The convictions. The jail time.
Maybe, I hold myself responsible for all of this. For their behavior. For their bad decisions and choices.
Maybe, I also hold myself responsible for my oldest daughter giving up both of her first 2 Sons. Both of them adopted into other families. Because of drug abuse, use, addiction.
I have done things, that which I regret, when I allow myself to think about it. In a sense, I am afraid to "feel" because "feelings" bring me physical pain.
Nothing you have stated, is too deep for a message board. I can see it, sense it, feel it, understand it all.
You are not failing, to reach me. You are forcing me, to look beyond where the eyes can see. You have done an excellent job, at making your mark.
I am digging deep within my own soul, mind, at the moment. Looking into my inner feelings, that I have always been afraid of. True.
Your words are extremely powerful, well presented, well put, and have made a point that means a lot to me...
Searching for a new direction, new pathway, new meanings, new perceptions. Very interesting, mind boggling at the same time, challenging.
You're quite an individual, unique, rare, talented, very wise.
Much, much, appreciated friend. Nice to meet you again.

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

hmmm..
Maybe, I do feel guilty of a divorce in 2006.
Maybe, I do feel guilty that my children's Mother decided to abandon them in 2007.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of having to go bankrupt in 2008.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of not paying my State taxes in 2009 and they levied my bank accounts for $8000.00 that same year.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about watching my daughters both struggle without their Mother in 2010, when the trigeminal neuralgia arrived. Rare disease. 150,000 people in the US with this. 25% of them, men.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about not being a better parent to them although I thought I was doing the best that I could have at the time when the shingles arrived in 2011.
Maybe, I did feel guilty about watching my daughter become a drug addict in March of 2012, passed out, sitting in a chair that was on fire, with the door open and cold outside, with a Grandson on the floor crawling.
Then, the arrival of this relapsing polychondritis in May of that year. Very rare disease. 3000 people in the entire world with it. My Sister being one of them. And the issues, troubles, pain, problems it brought into my life.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about realizing that my other daughter had also become a drug addict as well. The arrests. The charges. The convictions. The jail time.
Maybe, I hold myself responsible for all of this. For their behavior. For their bad decisions and choices.
Maybe, I also hold myself responsible for my oldest daughter giving up both of her first 2 Sons. Both of them adopted into other families. Because of drug abuse, use, addiction.
I have done things, that which I regret, when I allow myself to think about it. In a sense, I am afraid to "feel" because "feelings" bring me physical pain.
Nothing you have stated, is too deep for a message board. I can see it, sense it, feel it, understand it all.
You are not failing, to reach me. You are forcing me, to look beyond where the eyes can see. You have done an excellent job, at making your mark.
I am digging deep within my own soul, mind, at the moment. Looking into my inner feelings, that I have always been afraid of. True.
Your words are extremely powerful, well presented, well put, and have made a point that means a lot to me...
Searching for a new direction, new pathway, new meanings, new perceptions. Very interesting, mind boggling at the same time, challenging.
You're quite an individual, unique, rare, talented, very wise.
Much, much, appreciated friend. Nice to meet you again.

E-Man :)

Remember the guilts are stored, and not just from this lifetime, if you believe in multiple lives, I hesitate to say, that really doesn't matter, it doesn't change the truth.

A good exercise to release guilt, before bed when you are resting comfortably, recapitulate your day. What did I do today that I'm pleased with, and what did I do to feel guilty about. Did I hurt someone's feelings...then you will say 'I did do this or that and I'm not proud of it, but I will not let it happen again". Now it is released, or often, in the morning make amends with your brother or sister as best you can with communication. then- it is released.

You see by recapitulating daily you will not forget any......or bury any.....or store any.....and that is 'natural guilt' and is meant to heal. The animals experience a form of guilt, but they quickly absolve themselves of any self punishment. The cat and mouse chase each other in a game. The cat eats the mouse. The cat enjoys the warm flesh and the mouse gives its body over to the cat for the sake of fulfilling the cats experience, the mouses consciousness leaves the body beforehand so it feels no pain. The mouse also intuitively knows it can build another body.....animals view death very differently. What we see in animals is what we project onto them. Now I am not justifying killing, humans kill for other reasons, and there is no justification. I am saying the cat does not feel guilt, not in any context we could understand. In a sense the cat and mouse are closer to their true selves, you see. And a cat is always a cat, and joyfully expressing catness, it never wishes it were a dog.

On a side note - I would not dig too deep on your own, exposing any deep emotions before your therapy appointment. Because I don't want you to be overwhelmed, they need to be released, so make a journal in the meantime of future discussions where you can then dig in to the heart of it, in a safe environment, you see?

[Enduronman]

I was really looking forward to seeing the Psych on Wednesday to discuss many different things.
The fact that I feel as if I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, stressed, by everything in general, and my doctor agreed that I needed some immediate help too.
Everything was going great, I had hope, and then a phone call to reschedule till the following Wednesday!!!
I really NEEDED to see this doctor, have an assessment, an examination, so that I can file an appeal for SSDI on a deadline!!!
It was all timed out perfectly, now suddenly, those plans have changed and are beyond my own friggin control..
I will have to file it anyway, and just "state" that I'm going to see a PHD in Psychiatry now..
This tiny little thing, which probably isn't such a HUGE ORDEAL anyway, has caused me intensified anxiety and stress...but of course.
I need to speak to someone now!! I'm ready to snap!! YAY!!!
Trying to calm down now..hopefully the medications help.
I literally HATE things that don't go as planned. It pushes me near the edge. Even something so minute in the Grand Scheme of things...grrrrrr
Have a nice day.

E- (on the verge of a catastrophic mental meltdown) Man.

[Enduronman]

(SIGH)....

They just called me again, I explained the circumstances with my mental health and deadline, they got me in on Thursday instead...omg.
I am NOT going to answer their call if they call again either. So, I guess they'll just have to see me anyway.
Hello I am Chris and I'm all f**ked up! YAY!!!
Nice to meet you Doctor Robison..
HELP!!!! LOL!!

E-Man :) :) :)

[Dahila]

Hi Chris, shoot so much happened in the last three days and not necessary good. I just came back from Detroit and it was crazy. How can you guys live with that speed. I had wonderful time with my friends and my best friend got the message that she is grandma, both of us were crying. The baby is back in old country.
so good time and then you are not ok, it upsets me. Oh life ........Eman you are not alone you know that... you have many good friends. eh......

[Enduronman]

I am doing something now that I would have generally not done, watching a show called Dr. Phil.
There is a young man on there now, that has schizophrenia. He is very troubled.
This program, is extremely dramatic, not my usual choice of programs, but something that I thought I should try to watch..kind of a self inflicted exposure therapy per say.
This is making me very uncomfortable honestly, but, I think that things like this will help me to overcome my issues with the programs my parent watches daily.
Today, I actually sat in the same room when my parents favorite programs were on tv. I forced myself to remain within hearing range, rather than run and hide from it.
I did a pretty good job at blocking out the words, sounds, verbally dramatic tirades and tantrums.
Maybe, I will be able to make it through this after all. I'm trying really, really hard to make my life more tolerable while I am forced to be here.
I can't run forever, there's only so much I can do in a cold garage or a cold sunroom. Must work to change my perception of simple television programs and not allow them to create so much anxiety...
Good to see you Dahl, yes, I know that I'm not alone dear friend.
Make the best of this day.

E-Man.

[Kyle's Weight Gain]

I am a certified personal trainer and I have been on Anxiety/Depression medication for over 15 years. I have gained 70 pounds because of the medication. After trying 5 different medications in hopes that one would not have the side effects of weight gain and being unsuccessful, I have decided to take matters into my own hands. Please follow me on my journey as I lose the weight that I have gained from taking Anxiety and Depression Medications. Like my Facebook page and support me on this journey.

[Dahila]

Kyle you are a spammer

[Enduronman]

Kyle you are a spammer

OH NO!!!!

I can hardly wait until Judge Dumbass comes on this morning! LMAO!
I think that I will make it through this day, just fine.
I plan to try to fix my daughters car, which of course, gets me away from here for awhile.
I hope that this new part takes care of the intermittent starting issues. PLEASE!!! YAY!!!
Then, work on this Social Security appeal again. My gf wrote a letter to them also, using her own letter head. She's a Judge of course, an attorney. Maybe, this will help me.
I have hope that it does anyway! I have nothing to lose, that which hasn't already been lost. Just more pieces of paper, and more waiting for a reply..grrrrrr
Such is life. Waiting for something to happen. Hoping for something good to come of it.
I also get to finally speak to a Psych this Thursday too. I'm so excited! YAY!
Have an awesome day all!

E-Man :)

[JustaGal]

What BS - I knew your issue did not even make sense when I first read it.


I am a certified personal trainer and I have been on Anxiety/Depression medication for over 15 years. I have gained 70 pounds because of the medication. After trying 5 different medications in hopes that one would not have the side effects of weight gain and being unsuccessful, I have decided to take matters into my own hands. Please follow me on my journey as I lose the weight that I have gained from taking Anxiety and Depression Medications. Like my Facebook page and support me on this journey.

[jessed03]

We never have much luck on this forum with guys named Kyle, do we?

[JustaGal]

We never have much luck on this forum with guys named Kyle, do we?

; ) Too funny

[Dahila]

We never have much luck on this forum with guys named Kyle, do we?
I do react to Kyle like crazy ;))) no Kyle is like red flag up:))

[Enduronman]

I do react to Kyle like crazy ;))) no Kyle is like red flag up:))

BAN ALL KYLE'S! LMAO!!

On another note, I spoke to my gf last night. (just thinking about this is making me very tense now)....grrrr
She received the results of her biopsy. They have to take more of her cervix out in November. There was a problem, although they didn't say over the phone what that problem is.
My anxiety is through the roof when I'm typing this, thinking about this, and I feel helpless of course too. Nothing I can do about it. Just hope that she's ok.
Thank God I am going to see a Psych today! I'm going to need some assistance in coping skills, and or medications too.
Wishing you all a great day and hopes that mine is too. Somehow!

E-Man.

[Dahila]

Eman she will be ok!!!! lets hope everything is going to be ok. It helps.

[Enduronman]

You're probably right Dahl.
It's just very stressful, an issue creating tension, apprehension, and fears in a man that generally doesn't fear things..
I just had woken back up again from a morning nap, I think, and realized that it is my empathy that is tearing me apart inside. Highly empathetic person. Makes me feel like a pathetic person.
I also remembered something strange too. Not sure why yet.
When I was deathly sick in December of 2012, severe pain, ataxia, seizures, bedridden, couldn't even speak at one time, my girlfriend went out Christmas shopping at the mall until 3 am...
JOYFULLY, HAPPILY, MERRILY...
And then commented about it on Facebook, and told me about how fun, enjoyable, fulfilling, this shopping trip was to her.
What is my point here?
I also recall thinking to myself that there is no friggin way that I could or would be happily fulfillingly merrily be enjoying any friggin thing at Christmas, If She was in My Same Position and Health.
Bingo!
Now that it is she that is in potentially serious health troubles, I OVER EMPATHIZE and now I AM WORRIED, FILLED WITH FEARS, FILLED WITH APPREHENSION, FILLED WITH STRESS...
Empathy and its disadvantages, curses, tortures and torments at work.
I must learn very very quickly, how to turn this off while still remaining to be the caring, compassionate, kind, sensitive person that I really am.
MY life depends on my ability to be able to perform and over come this issue.
I feel as if I could have a nervous breakdown at the moment.
Thank you for reading.
Have a marvelous day!

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

Didn't you have an appt today? How did it go?

So here's my lesson for today:

Couple months ago I bought a new car. Now immediately began obsessing that I'd get a door ding in the supermarket lot or wherever. So for say two months every time I come out with groceries, etc I lean over the passenger side and look for my ding.

So, you don't have to be a sleuth to figure this one out. As I pulled into the market today I parked next to this car that was crooked, and I felt weird but as we all do I ignored my feelings, so I came out 15 min later, did the obligatory lean and looksee, and lo and behold....

There was my ding !! Finally !

My old car I could've cared less and for 10 years no ding.

So now I'm sick about it.

[Dahila]

to be the caring, compassionate, kind, sensitive person that I really am. Yes, yes it is what i value in the person. Being that way we suffer, it comes with the package, but I would not change myself in a dot. Do not dare to change it too Eman!!! I am like you and proud of it, even everyone especially my partner criticize it. I do not care, I think to be someone like that there is a price to pay and that's fine. Eman it is why I enjoy every contact with you and admire you :)) Everything is going to be ok. Facing the fears is the worst, but usually the events are not as painful as our worry about the outcome. Your gf will be ok!!
Look at the post above. After I bumped my car a few times, I stopped caring. Hubby is telling that i am not going to get the new one, so be it:))) dents and scratches:)) who cares, it is not worth the worry :)

[jessed03]

Didn't you have an appt today? How did it go?

So here's my lesson for today:

Couple months ago I bought a new car. Now immediately began obsessing that I'd get a door ding in the supermarket lot or wherever. So for say two months every time I come out with groceries, etc I lean over the passenger side and look for my ding.

So, you don't have to be a sleuth to figure this one out. As I pulled into the market today I parked next to this car that was crooked, and I felt weird but as we all do I ignored my feelings, so I came out 15 min later, did the obligatory lean and looksee, and lo and behold....

There was my ding !! Finally !

My old car I could've cared less and for 10 years no ding.

So now I'm sick about it.

I saw your post when it was just one line long. I thought to myself, it had to be the shortest post of yours I'd ever seen. I felt quite short-changed! I'm glad you added to it. ;)

[Enduronman]

My appointment is at 4pm. I am extremely nervous about it. More stressed about this then having an MRI, surgery, EMG, EEG, blood test, or stitches in my thumb with no anesthetic.
I am teetering on the brink I feel. Thankfully, my Mother just turned off the dumbass court tv crap programs and left here for awhile.
I can empathize with you on the door ding. I had a newer flawless car once when my first child was born 23 years ago. I waxed it every weekend. Changed the oil every 3 months.
ALWAYS parked away from every one, at the back of parking lots and walked further to the door.
My then wife, didn't function like that. She was a "closer parking space" searcher. Would drive up and down the isles looking. She found one, and squeezed the car into it. I wasn't with her.
Sure enough. She returned and There was my ding!! I too was mentally and physically sick about it. I never forgot about it either and I always looked at it afterwards.
I don't know that I ever forgave her for that, it was partly her own fault for her decision to park in between people. Risky. Other people don't care. I wouldn't do that to another car.
Now, I just drive pieces of shit that have dents and dings everywhere so I wouldn't even notice anything new..junky cars.
This event may bother you for awhile, until you choose how to view it a different way as we can choose our own attitudes about circumstances beyond our own control..so they say.
Hope your day gets better friend...

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

to be the caring, compassionate, kind, sensitive person that I really am. Yes, yes it is what i value in the person. Being that way we suffer, it comes with the package, but I would not change myself in a dot. Do not dare to change it too Eman!!! I am like you and proud of it, even everyone especially my partner criticize it. I do not care, I think to be someone like that there is a price to pay and that's fine. Eman it is why I enjoy every contact with you and admire you :)) Everything is going to be ok. Facing the fears is the worst, but usually the events are not as painful as our worry about the outcome. Your gf will be ok!!
Look at the post above. After I bumped my car a few times, I stopped caring. Hubby is telling that i am not going to get the new one, so be it:))) dents and scratches:)) who cares, it is not worth the worry

Thank you very much Dahl. I'm trying to keep myself together the best that I can..
Blessings friend.

E-Man. :)

[Im-Suffering]

I saw your post when it was just one line long. I thought to myself, it had to be the shortest post of yours I'd ever seen. I felt quite short-changed! I'm glad you added to it. ;)

I'm waiting for e-man to report back from his appt, I'm very excited for him! In the meantime ill just lament about this here ding.

[Enduronman]

Had to take a Xanax when I got there, and when I got home too. ahhhhhh....
Stressful talk, childhood, life, issues, omg...
Just said that "I had a lot on my plate" to deal with and he will write a report to the doctor with some other suggestions for meds to try.
Then set up another appointment for the 15th. Looks like I will be going weekly now. YAY!
I guess it's ok, and the best that we can all do.
Hopefully they will be able to help me, I am counting on them!
Have a good night.

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

Had to take a Xanax when I got there, and when I got home too. ahhhhhh....
Stressful talk, childhood, life, issues, omg...
Just said that "I had a lot on my plate" to deal with and he will write a report to the doctor with some other suggestions for meds to try.
Then set up another appointment for the 15th. Looks like I will be going weekly now. YAY!
I guess it's ok, and the best that we can all do.
Hopefully they will be able to help me, I am counting on them!
Have a good night.

E-Man :)

Things are getting better each day ! Thanks for checking in. You have a good evening as well.

[Enduronman]

You have a good evening as well.

The Indianapolis Colts are kickin the shit out of the Texans, it made me smile and laugh. 24-0 in the first quarter. Yes, a good evening! YAY!! zzzzzzzzzz

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

I woke up too damn early again, then some anxiety arrived.
I forced myself to lay back down and figure out how to calm my nerves.
I have an idea of its causes. My drunken parent saying stupid shit last night to me, and, my GP saying that she doesn't want to increase my Xanax dosage because she wants the Psych to see the real me not a medicated version of me. I understand. Still don't like it though!! Talking about the shit that bothers you with another person, stranger, is tough to do.
My doctor also sent me a message this morning that said I should really think about writing a book. She thinks it would be a best seller. She made me smile for a second.
Anyway, enough of the bullshit so I can keep this positive attitude that I just woke up with. I created it by reflecting back on all the beautiful things that I used to be able to do and left it right there.
I just viewed all of the projects within my mind. They were amazingly challenging but all turned out very nicely in the end. I was happy. Clients were happy. It was good times.
Time to kickoff a new day now! F**kin rain again!!! Oh well, I had better get used to that too as winter approaches.
Have a great day!

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Eman have been on Klonopin? It is long lasting 8 hours and works like xanax.

[Enduronman]

Eman have been on Klonopin? It is long lasting 8 hours and works like xanax.

I don't think I've ever tried K-pins. My daughter had them at one time. They caused her memory loss and she did something, that she had forgot. Stressful too!
Now, I'm going to whine for a minute just because I had to stand in a line for 10 minutes, my friggin ankles are killing me! Even with Oxycodone!...(sigh)...:/
My ankles are generally always sore anyway, but shit this is getting real fuckin old. And, the Oxy makes me want to throw up. In fact, everything makes me want to throw up. Yay.
I've been laying down all fuggin day and just took some more meds to see if that helps. I think Oxy is as strong as it gets. Not sure wtf else to do about this.
Thinking about asking for an MRI of the ankles, maybe that will reveal something. I have my doubts though. Maybe, just a waste of time. IDK!!!
I see the surgeon who cut my leg off on Monday to hear the results of the biopsy. I wonder if that proved to be useful at all. It was really fun to be knocked the fuck out though! zzzzzzzzz zz zz z
Then back to the Psych on Wednesday, hopefully that helps me in some way too. IDK yet. He is writing a report to my doctor. Suggesting other drugs too. Of course! yay... (sigh)
If the rest of my life is going to be like this, then I am going to be one miserable individual. This sucks ass! This shit isn't cool!
I want to shoot a dart in my neck like Will Ferrell did in Old School...pull what out? Wait, wait...yer crazy, yer crazy but I like you, but yer crazy. I feel so tired...plomp.
That's what I want!
Fuck...(sigh)

E-wtf is next-Man. :rolleyes:

[Enduronman]

Really stressed, anxious.
Trying to pinpoint the major majority of it, and it mostly boils down to living with my alcoholic parent. I hate seeing her get so drunk, every single night. Its making me sicker.
Yes, I have mentioned this to her, many times already. She says that alcohol isn't a drug, says its so sad that I have to take so many pills, staggers around here, mumbles, talks to herself.
Goes in and out the door last night, 23 times! All in the matter of an hour. I heard her say "I'm going to make another drink, fuck it"....she is causing me HIGH ANXIETY.
In all honesty, I think that she is making her life and my life more miserable then it already is. My doctor suggested that maybe I should move into a shelter where I may be happier.
I am taking that into consideration. This place is stressing me the fuck out. I could barely understand her last night. Asking me if I am eating dinner when clearly I was.
She asked me the same question twice!!! With food in front of me, at 7 pm!!!. You think maybe that's what I'm doing???!!!!! (SIGH)...
Got to get out of here today. Going to look at a house with my girlfriend. Then maybe just sit at her house for a little while, away from here...
Thanks for reading.

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

Really stressed, anxious.
Trying to pinpoint the major majority of it, and it mostly boils down to living with my alcoholic parent. I hate seeing her get so drunk, every single night. Its making me sicker.
Yes, I have mentioned this to her, many times already. She says that alcohol isn't a drug, says its so sad that I have to take so many pills, staggers around here, mumbles, talks to herself.
Goes in and out the door last night, 23 times! All in the matter of an hour. I heard her say "I'm going to make another drink, fuck it"....she is causing me HIGH ANXIETY.
In all honesty, I think that she is making her life and my life more miserable then it already is. My doctor suggested that maybe I should move into a shelter where I may be happier.
I am taking that into consideration. This place is stressing me the fuck out. I could barely understand her last night. Asking me if I am eating dinner when clearly I was.
She asked me the same question twice!!! With food in front of me, at 7 pm!!!. You think maybe that's what I'm doing???!!!!! (SIGH)...
Got to get out of here today. Going to look at a house with my girlfriend. Then maybe just sit at her house for a little while, away from here...
Thanks for reading.

E-Man :)

You think deadening you senses with drugs is more noble in appearance than alcohol? And any less painful to watch? Vice is vice. Who is to judge pain? Are you any better because the pain is in your ankles, where hers is in her soul? Are you helping to resolve each other's pain? love seeks to heal. Love wants to heal, the other, that is true love because it returns tenfold to you. You have both given up on each other, and turned your backs from thy beloved healing toward vice, and harshness of tongue. The heart would speak differently. If one was in touch with the heart. It is the broken heart that causes so much of the troubles. I give you more here in a paragraph than 2 years of therapy.

You watching your mother, is not as painful, to her, as she watching you. Some of the alcohol dulls her own pain, and some the vision of you (which you project). Where is the pride in her son, where has his life gone, the value, the integrity of the soul itself? Who's fault is it? Her shame, guilt is on par. You both love each other. Yet each are helpless to change each other's life. So you have one that dulls that in spirits, and one who's spirits are dulled in physical pain. Your lives are intertwined where you both must learn the same lessons and so you are both stuck in a box until you do.

She gave birth to you. And this as a man you can not relate to. The deep, connections associated with the birthing process. Being of negative slant, she isn't capable of positive e reinforcements, but then neither are you. Two people together in a box, who at the core have the deepest earth connection possible, each watching their beloved fade away. Life has lost its value.

You are walking around your house with a mirror attached to you, and if you move away you will feel even more guilty. Although a small sense of relief, that will be short lived. You both are there for a reason, both metaphysical and physically speaking. You are meant to help and encourage, not to destroys and tear apart.

Destroy her will, you destroy yourself, and the original intent adulterated. Two souls in need of love, care, nurturing. You both might not get that this life, so you will do it again. No escape for the lessons, that s what the pain is about. Ignorance increases the vice grip of the pain.

You get it?

The advice of the shelter is poor for this soul. You are projecting despondency upon the therapist, and thus being open to telepathic suggestions the therapist is no more than a puppet. Projecting despondency has returned a suggestion that would reinforce those expectations, so the shelter idea is corroborating of how you feel inside. Be careful how you feel before sessions, for the expectations will set the tone, and you do want positive reinforcement, do you understand?

Build your mother up, stop tearing her down, even behind her back ! Stop feeling less of a man for living there and beating yourself up in guilt and shame. You feel you are a burden, at you age, there are several negative mental conflicts as you judge yourself for the position you are in.

But you are there for a reason....Two old souls/friends that need to work things out, and help each other find a life again. I tell you.....again...things are not always as they seem. Save her life, and you just might save your own. And here is the paradox, save your own life and you save hers.

I am not editing now, eye strain, so if there is spelling grammar, mistype, so be it, work around it.

[Dahila]

Eman when you want to talk you know where to find me. Posting here is senseless

[Enduronman]

You think deadening you senses with drugs is more noble in appearance than alcohol? Are you any better because the pain is in your ankles, where hers is in her soul? Are you helping to resolve each other's pain? You watching your mother, is not as painful, to her, as she watching you. Some of the alcohol dulls her own pain, and some the vision of you (which you project). Where is the pride in her son, where has his life gone, the value, the integrity of the soul itself? Who's fault is it? Her shame, guilt is on par. You both love each other. Yet each are helpless to change each other's life. So you have one that dulls that in spirits, and one who's spirits are dulled in physical pain. Your lives are intertwined where you both must learn the same lessons and so you are both stuck in a box until you do.

She gave birth to you. And this as a man you can not relate to. The deep, connections associated with the birthing process. Being of negative slant, she isn't capable of positive e reinforcements, but then neither are you. Two people together in a box, who at the core have the deepest earth connection possible, each watching their beloved fade away. Life has lost its value.

You are walking around your house with a mirror attached to you, and if you move away you will feel even more guilty. Although a small sense of relief, that will be short lived. You both are there for a reason, both metaphysical and physically speaking. You are meant to help and encourage, not to destroys and tear apart.

Destroy her will, you destroy yourself, and the original intent adulterated. Two souls in need of love, care, nurturing. You both might not get that this life, so you will do it again. No escape for the lessons, that s what the pain is about. Ignorance increases the vice grip of the pain.

You get it?

The advice of the shelter is poor for this soul. You are projecting despondency upon the therapist, and thus being open to telepathic suggestions the therapist is no more than a puppet. Projecting despondency has returned a suggestion that would reinforce those expectations, so the shelter idea is corroborating of how you feel inside. Be careful how you feel before sessions, for the expectations will set the tone, and you do want positive reinforcement, do you understand?

Build your mother up, stop tearing her down, even behind her back ! Stop feeling less of a man for living there and beating yourself up in guilt and shame. You feel you are a burden, at you age, there are several negative mental conflicts as you judge yourself for the position you are in.

But you are there for a reason....Two old souls/friends that need to work things out, and help each other find a life again. I tell you.....again...things are not always as they seem. Save her life, and you just might save your own. And here is the paradox, save your own life and you save hers.

Thank you again for taking time out of your own life, to attempt to assist with mine. Very much appreciated.
A couple of things that come to my mind, although maybe selfish as they will appear to you.
The medications that I have to take, do not impact and or affect her mentality. They do not make me slobber, stagger, repeat questions, speak harshly about people that she cares about openly, or wander around aimlessly wondering what it is that I am supposed to be doing for her to visually see my impairment. I am on the couch resting, or in my room resting quietly. No effect on her.
Yes, she does always say that she is worried about me, wonders what she can do to help, feels helpless in that sense although I expect nothing from her. There is nothing she can "do" to help.
I can see where that would be troubling to me, as a parent, to watch my child or children, have to lay around all day in pain. Although, I would always project a positive image to them, for them.
In an attempt, to make them feel better about life, themselves, their issues and or struggles. I would not let them see me intoxicated, mumbling, bumbling, stumbling, slobbering on myself.
My Mother has always been the most insensitive person, that I have ever known. And, I am not the only one that feels this same way or makes that same statement about her.
She projects an image, and a life, of misery, grief, despair, upon everyone. Although, she is healthy, able, capable, a millionaire, a new car, a corvette, boats, a home on a beautiful lake.
She herself, has nothing to be so distraught over, or about..unless it is just the fact that she can't help me? She can't fix me? She can't cure me? Helplessness as presented and covered with booze.
If any of my children had spoken to me about their displeasure with me for being an alcoholic, and for causing them increased stress, tension, concern, then I WOULD CHANGE THAT for them.
Without a doubt, without question, without ignoring them, without fail, immediately...for them.
I believe her to be selfish, insensitive, and un-caring of my real concern and feelings.
Or, am I the one that's being selfish here in my thoughts as presented?
I do feel like a burden...

E-Man.

[Enduronman]

Eman when you want to talk you know where to find me. Posting here is senseless

Thank you Dahl.
Got to go up to my daughters house now to look at the broken car, again!!!... (I wish I could just afford another one for her instead)..
I dread the calls from either of my daughters. Never to just say hello Dad! Always, an issue to deal with, something to fix, something to figure out...
Blessings to you friend.

E-Man..

[Dahila]

I hear you, I have to ask " HUG ME' before I even get the smile from mine, but it getting easier with time. Our children are different that we are, I think the best way is to help them when they ask. Eman be happy you can have a contact with them through repairs. There will come the day when you will wait for the call and it never comes through. I am dreading a day when my daughter does not need my help:))
My son already drifted to another city and we see each other ones in three months. For a few hours maybe. Oh man, I do understand you. Yesterday my grandchild came here and we watched the movie together. It was fun she was leaning in me, and I could kiss her as much as I wanted. One day you will have the same feelings. without the children there would be no grandchildren, and they are a blessing:)) Have a wonderful day my dear friend:)

[Im-Suffering]

You don't have to like her, or agree with her, but you do have to work it out.

In the last scene of "ghost", - "Molly, it's incredible, the love, the love you take with you forever", now, that is also the hate, for love or hate binds you to that object. So it's safe to say you both have been at this before. In this regard a movie got it right. Of course the demons etc were symbolic of the criminal mind.

So working it out is _ you feel neutral. No emotions one way or the other, the bond is broken. Carry the love if you work it out, and love will bind you. Or work it out and when the emotions are released and you feel nothing, walk away.

But, if you walk away, or run from, with open wounds I'm telling you, you don't want to do this again. You must learn the lessons. This is my legacy to you, if you get it, I can go and Dahila can have her coveted wish. Although I may not disappear altogether as others do receive some form of message from me.

The message is pretty well empty, there's not much more here. I feel it. You are bonded to her by your emotions, and if one of you should die, there will be unfinished business. So, finish your business and stop taking the moments for granted.

If she were to die, you would be led back through the turmoil to love. Once the tantrums are finished. I loved you mom. Why did you behave so badly? You will then feel badly and in that feeling you are blinded as souls.

You hate that which separates you from a loved object, no exceptions. The intensity of the hate is determined by the imagined distance of separation between you and the object of your desire. This applies to all acts of hate, terror, in society. People hate money because it stands in the way of desires, so money becomes the personified evil, projected onto a piece of ordinary paper. In ultimate truth there is only love, rather love is the fount of which all other emotions spring, and to which they all return. Now, you do not have to love mom again, in which case you work out in therapy how to release, and then you make peace with mom, hug her, and let go. With no feelings, either way you are free then to walk away, for eternity. You will have new friends then, and your bond no more. Just the fact she is mom, signifies the soul gave itself no other way this time, for mom is the most intimate of relations, another words, you couldn't simply walk away unless you did the work. And show the soul empathy for she was to do the most terrible of things, the vice, the personality, just to get your attention. Do you understand? Really let this sink in. Print this, lie down comfortably and really feel it.

You are not your personality, you adopt and use a personality to set the conditions in life best suited to work on your challenges, again metaphysically speaking. So show empathy for the soul that chose to act abhorrent, in order to solve personal and family problems. The goal is to overcome and edify. Then you are free to move on and take on different challenges. But you cannot graduate from nursery school if you don't do the homework.

"Mom I love you, why couldn't we work out this separation I felt? " from a child's perspective, and soon enough with no change in that perspective the child becomes an adult.

This is a main topic for therapy. But don't let them give you quick fixes, to move out, etc. There must be psychological healing first because no matter where you end up, you end up there with yourself.

"She projects an image, and a life, of misery, grief, despair, upon everyone. Although, she is healthy, able, capable, a millionaire, a new car, a corvette, boats, a home on a beautiful lake" Everything but love.

"intoxicated, say I love you", "mumbling, say I love you", "bumbling, say I love you", "stumbling, say I love you", " slobbering, say I love you"

"My Mother has always been the most insensitive person, say I love you" If you want to know what is the highest regard for you to.do in all situations ask self "what would love do now?"


I must say, spiritually speaking these messages have very good information as I read them back. Each one usually takes 90 minutes give or take to get it 'all out'.

I type these posts from my favorite window, in my favorite spot, that seems to inspire me ...so you see what I see..

1463

[Enduronman]

I hear you, I have to ask " HUG ME' before I even get the smile from mine, but it getting easier with time. Our children are different that we are, I think the best way is to help them when they ask. Eman be happy you can have a contact with them through repairs. There will come the day when you will wait for the call and it never comes through. I am dreading a day when my daughter does not need my help:))
My son already drifted to another city and we see each other ones in three months. For a few hours maybe. Oh man, I do understand you. Yesterday my grandchild came here and we watched the movie together. It was fun she was leaning in me, and I could kiss her as much as I wanted. One day you will have the same feelings. without the children there would be no grandchildren, and they are a blessing:)) Have a wonderful day my dear friend:)

I am going to see my oldest daughter today in Indy. As long as my doctors visit goes well, and she's actually there.
She is now carrying my 3rd grandchild now too. I don't get to see my other grandchildren. They were adopted.
She plans to keep this one though, so that's a great thing!
She just lives in an area where she doesn't want to be, that's why my gf and I were looking at houses, at least part of the reason anyway.
Have a good day friend!

E-Man. :)

[Enduronman]

You don't have to like her, or agree with her, but you do have to work it out. No emotions one way or the other, the bond is broken. With no feelings, either way you are free then to walk away, for eternity. There must be psychological healing first because no matter where you end up, you end up there with yourself. My Mother has always been the most insensitive person...

I also spoke to my Father about this issue yesterday too. And of course, my girlfriend as well.
My girlfriend said that I am allowing my Mother to affect my feelings and emotions, so work to stop that. Block her out in a sense. I did.
My Father said that people don't change for other people, that they must want to change themselves. Even though I would change something for my kids, doesn't mean that she would too.
He also said that wise men don't need advice, and a fool won't accept advice. I chose yesterday, to allow her to be her. It's her life. Not mine.
I did not allow her to impact, affect, or change the way that I feel based on her actions, behaviors, or words last night. I was actually relaxed, calm, less anxious, and could care less.
While she drank her mixed drinks and became intoxicated. I viewed things differently. Essentially, I just said fuck it, so be it, in my own mind. It worked!
Today is a new day. I plan to see the doc to hear the results of a biopsy, and also visit my oldest daughter and maybe my youngest daughter too.
The point is that I won't have to be here today, at least for 4 to 6 hours anyway. And its rainy and shitty outside so I know my Mom will be trapped indoors watching Judge Dipshit...
Not me!! YAY!!! I don't care what the doc says and hope that they found something abnormal but if they didn't, oh well. Won't affect me one way or the other.
I will still try to have the best day that I can, and then get this appeal sent out to the SSA. Must have hope that I will someday win this case and it will change my life for the better.
MONEY to take care of myself, my kids, get my own place, do my own thing, and get part of my life back..happily ever after.
Thank you for your thoughts friend.
Many blessings to you...

E-Man :) :)

[Im-Suffering]

What stops her from giving you money, she is wealthy. And I'm guessing 75 plus years. What happens when you ask, or do you ask? And secondly, why haven't you made money on the PC where you don't have to move an inch? Say, eBay or craigslist or a website. Or whatever.

Jeff Bezos borrowed a lil money from mom, and in his garage sold a few books. Named his business Amazon. Now that's no coincidence, the name. For the little man in stature had thoughts of a giant. Now even a paraplegic can get from bed to the garage and call FedEx to ship his order.

Is there more guilt and shame for taking and receiving money from mom, but not from living with her? Or taking and receiving from the govt is not so bad because of the physical restrictions.

Now I'm not saying your a mooch, you understand. I am saying you make judgements who to take money from, which are beliefs and in truth it really doesn't matter where it comes from, period. You understand?

That statement is paramount.

You've got this conflict - your family has money yet you can't have any, but there's a justification that as long as your in pain it's alright to live there. It's as if it's payback or, "look what I've become, it's your fault" and at the same time you hate her for not giving. Whether it be love, time, money..

Your in a complex psychological web, there's a lot going on here, do you understand?. If I had more intimate contact with you than a message board, I could help you discover the real truths.....and that is the truth.

Or maybe we can do it right here. We are doing it. Give this post some thought. The physical issues are clearly becoming part of the family dynamics. Remember now,

The body does not attack you, against your will. You believe that because you see people moan and groan about it. Blame it, do all sorts of unholy things to it, repress feelings and expect it to behave. (Yourself included).

And, you believe doctors. Doctors believe in illness and disease, not health. Re-read that sentence a bazillion times until you understand it. Another paramount statement, because you have faith in people that look for illness, you see. And none in yourself or your own powers. You even expect issues because you feel that would be beneficial for your case. A child plays cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, fireman, doctors...cowboys need the Indian, cops need the robber, fireman need people to.save, doctors need disease.

Be careful, children, what game you wish to play, for you then create the need for it.

The need for a fire comes before the actual blaze to fight. The need creates the fire. Police because of the need to fight crime, help create the criminal, telepathically sending messages that people are generally bad in nature and fueling the minds of those teetering on thoughts of committing criminal acts. Pay attention, I'm teaching you here!

At least you have this thread. You can go back to my words even when I am long gone.

You'll be a man on disability when a millionaire sits 10 feet from you in one direction, and a judge in the other. You've got money in every direction - you see, yet you must become sicker to prove the few hundred you'll receive is justified. Better to take a few hundred and prove sickness, than be healthy with a million.

You simply must not become healthy, that would be more terrifying. it would jeopardize all you have worked for.

Why?

I don't mince words, and that's why ponder blocked me, he couldn't take it, yet this very moment whenever he hears the word God he loses his mind, thinking mindfulness or another children's game will bury it for him, and block the hurt. in his thread you replied to he was fine and espousing his new found freedom, until one person pops in and mentions The Lord, and his thankfulness. That was the only trigger needed to set him ablaze. Along with his new found freedom. Ignorance is not healing. Read the whole thread you just replied to.

I see what I see, and that's not with the eyes.

[Enduronman]

What stops her from giving you money, she is wealthy. And I'm guessing 75 plus years. What happens when you ask, or do you ask? And secondly, why haven't you made money on the PC where you don't have to move an inch? Say, eBay or craigslist or a website. Or whatever. Is there more guilt and shame for taking and receiving money from mom, but not from living with her? Or taking and receiving from the govt is not so bad because of the physical restrictions. You'll be a man on disability when a millionaire sits 10 feet from you in one direction, and a judge in the other. You've got money in every direction - you see, yet you must become sicker to prove the few hundred you'll receive is justified. Better to take a few hundred and prove sickness, than be healthy with a million. You simply must not become healthy, that would be more terrifying. it would jeopardize all you have worked for. Why?

My Mother has always been thrifty, tight, penny pincher, greedy, an excellent money manager, investor and hates to let go of it. I guess it is smart is some regard but it, her behavior, her actions, are ways, means, methods, that I nor my Father understand. He always jokes that she has the first dollar that she ever made. Having her vast wealth, is something that she hides within, hides behind, hides it from others, acts as if she is broke, suffering, and stressed about..money. People with money fret about it, people without money fret without it. I don't understand the first part of that statement. She is a millionaire in cash investments. I've seen the numbers on paper. I don't know if my eyes had ever been bigger or me more surprised when I did see it. I wasn't supposed to see it. Her money was inherited. I had an Uncle Money, (Magnus) and that's what I knew him by. He was a simple man, never married, worked in the iron ore mines of Minnesota, and invested his money wisely in stocks. Some of them purchased for a single penny. He had also set up a trust of which she is somehow now involved in. I recall vaguely something about a $7000.00 a quarter dividend but that was years ago. Who knows what it does now, except for dear old Mom. I don't ask her for money because it causes a giant invisible wall to go up for her to hide behind. And she doesn't ask me if I need any either although my Father does. He is just the exact opposite of her in regards to money. It seems that money makes her evil is some ways. I don't really need any money at the moment and haven't for a few months, after selling everything that I owned. Plus, I don't really "do" anything that requires it anyway. I spend most of my time horizontal, sore, in pain. The bank foreclosed on my home, which was why I was forced to move into here. I KNEW that it was going to be a challenge before I ever arrived, every day. It is very troubling to my mind.
I am trying to maintain my sanity. Yesterday was a day filled with sarcasm from her. About my doctors appointment, about the fact that the results weren't in yet, about my youngest daughter, about my Father, about a type of sandwich I was eating, and most all of that before she was drunk. I just acted as if I was asleep the rest of the evening. To avoid the sarcasm, pessimism, negativity, bad opinions that I didn't ask for. She doesn't even know she's doing it, or even what she is saying a majority of the time. Just have to evade, avoid, block her out the best that I can.

Today, I must work to get these papers sent out to the SSA. My next appeal, with new information included. To better prove my disability, clarify it, make it more valid. It pays more than a few hundred dollars per month if I win. It pays $3000.00 per month. That would put me in a better environment, position, and allow me to get parts of my life back that I have lost. It won't fix my bad knees and ankles but it will fix and stop these stresses that I must endure while being here. My mind will be at peace, which in turn may allow parts of my body to be at peace too. I will still have physical pains more then likely and maybe for the rest of my life but I can deal with that, just not this mental/emotional pain along with it. I have hope for that to happen. This has been the most difficult and challenging battle in my entire life, but, I have never lost any previous battles before. None. And I have many, many, battles and conflicts to speak of whether physical or mental, I know how to "play the games". I will be victorious. I just have to be patient, and patience is something that I wasn't born with. I've had to learn to have it, to find it, to use it. Tested, challenged, like never before. I will win.

You ask why I don't sell things online, work at this computer, make an income right here like many before me have done or do? You may notice that I am only on here in the mornings for a couple of hours and there's a reason for that. Pain consumes me while sitting in this chair, within that time frame. I am getting very uncomfortable already. I need a new spine from top to bottom. I need new ankles, knees, elbows, wrists too. This is all I have to offer, time wise. I give it my all. Then the pain killers lose the battle, become ineffective. That's why.

You also mentioned my gf, the Judge. Yes, she has money but I won't allow myself to be a burden to her. She asks whether I need money, anything, like my Father does. I won't accept her offerings. Partly because I don't really need anything, anyway, and I don't want to feel like I am a dependent either. She is trying to purchase a larger home now too. On her own, without my income, money, or any financial involvement whatsoever. She can do it alone. She is capable, able, qualified. I will agree with that, allow that, permit that, and will probably love that too. It puts all of us together again in one home. Her, I, and our 5 kids. We're going to look at another home today in fact. We have already looked at one that was large enough but needed way to much additional work, to be just right. There are others out there that will fit us better, we just have to be patient in finding them. Should be an interesting challenge either way and it get me out of here! YAY!!!

I won't ever block you. I also will never make remarks or replies about religion or politics either. I never have, I never will. I avoid those subjects like people try to avoid Ebola. Why? Because they ALWAYS end up in a battle, with no Victor. No one wins. No one becomes less anxious. No one becomes more comfortable with oneself. No one receives an answer that they are here looking for, only more questions for which they can find no real answers too. It throws people off track, off the rails, into another realm of reality and existence. They then try to figure out why they are here, who they are, how they got here, what is their purpose, and all of creation. Way to difficult for anyone to ever understand. To complicated for our minds to comprehend. The cause of Wars, and has, and still does, become the cause or reason for War. For thousands of years...I choose to keep those views to myself. :)

Another wonderful day friend!

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

...............

Another wonderful day friend!

E-Man :)

You betcha :) Todays post feels good to me.

Fond regards,

IS

[Enduronman]

Actually felt good to get those papers in the mail today. A relief of some sort, even if I don't win it yet.
Now, I just wait...I'm used to that!
YAY!!! :)

E-Man.. :)

[Enduronman]

Good morning to you. It's way to early for this shit.
Did have a small amount of relief yesterday, actually got something done. Whether it turns out to be positive or not, I won't know for awhile.
Still no biopsy results in yet. I guess I would have figured 15 days to be plenty of time for that, but I was wrong. Waiting for that too.
I did get to visit with my oldest daughter for a few minutes, at her new place in Indy. She was very apprehensive about being in Indy, when there is really nothing to worry about just because it isn't "home". Our home is now gone. The home that she and her sis grew up in, foreclosed on. Nothing I can do about that. It is what it is.
Her boyfriend is doing everything that he can to make her more comfortable. Painting the apartment, putting down new carpet, making it safer with new locks, etc. He's really trying. Nice.
I've been in contact with my youngest daughter too. She is really struggling while being away from me. Sounds depressed. Wants to be back here, although I know that won't work out for us.
I was forced to move her in with my Father, to get her away from this other Grandparent and her clearly obvious "issues" that impact others around her. Unknowingly. Alcohol. Nasty chemicals.
Grandfather doesn't drink, isn't judgmental, intoxicated, verbally abusive, demanding, critical, and is just the opposite in all aspects. Better for her up there, 20 miles north. More freedom.
I will deal with that issue shortly, and explain to her why its best where she now is. It isn't permanent anyway. These setbacks are only temporary, she'll have to be patient too. Like me.
My son is supposed to come up and visit this weekend, for one night. It's his 16th birthday. He is excited. Which means that I have to do some driving to get him back home some 300 miles total.
I don't find windshield time all that appealing, comfortable, get sore everywhere after about 30 miles or so. Then, I have to focus merely on the tasks at hand. I suffer, painful. Take meds..grrrr
Can't really help my oldest (unless I had my own home), can't really help my other daughter (unless I had a home), I will try to enjoy my one night with my son (ignore the driving part).
My gf wanted me to look at another house last night at 7pm. 25 miles away. I couldn't do it, too tired, too sore, so we made plans to see it on Saturday instead. Better for me. I will be near there anyway while getting my son. She is very excited about this next home, to a point that she isn't seeing the reality of this home's ownership. Too big, too old, too costly, to much upkeep, in a flood plane, flood insurance, large lot, too expensive to heat, taxes too high, doubling her present expenses that sometimes create a challenge already. Hate to burst her bubble. Be realistic.
It would solve one problem quickly, get us all together easily, but create new trouble at the same time. Financial troubles. Financial concern. Financial worry. Financial stresses....
Trying to persuade her to look at homes more "efficient". Newer. Rather than ancient, antique, old, inefficient. A real challenge for me to keep her more grounded.
I just moved out of a 160 year old house. The house itself created stresses with financial issues. $650 per month in utility cost alone. Depending upon the weather outside. Had a fireplace, and a wood stove as well to supplement for heat. Must not make the same mistake, twice. "Your house has such character and charm". I don't give a fuck, that house is eating me alive financially!
I do not want to go through that ever again. I learned a valuable lesson. Must lesson the burden and strain on the billfold and bank. Going to be a hard sell to convince my gf to think rationally.
Not really where I want to be, neither is anyone else though either, but this is just temporary and possible to fix, alter, adjust, to fit everyone. One thing, within my own control. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's time to begin the communications with everyone now, to help them understand what is going on, and when to expect something to get better. Something good to look forward too.
Have a great day! Make this a great day...:)

E-Man

[needtogetwell]

Good morning friend!!!!

I know it's been forever since I popped in here, my bad. It's just life, and I don't need to tell you how it goes.

I've spent some time reading through you posts of the last month or so, wow, you've had quite the time of it, and that's a serious understatement. Buried under the poop pile!

Anyway, I don't have much to offer but my continued friendship, I just so hope you get into a better living situation soon, I can't even begin to imagine what it is like with your mom. I do however understand the money thing, my mom isn't so different. Mine just holds it over your head if you ever have to ask for so much as a nickel.

Stay strong my friend, there really isn't much else we can do. I am however missing your sense of humor, I really haven't seen much of that in the posts I've read. Don't lose that, it is one of your most endearing qualities.

Cheers!
I'll try to keep in touch better as we go along.

Pam

[Im-Suffering]

Good morning to you. It's way to early for this shit.
Did have a small amount of relief yesterday, actually got something done. Whether it turns out to be positive or not, I won't know for awhile.
Still no biopsy results in yet. I guess I would have figured 15 days to be plenty of time for that, but I was wrong. Waiting for that too.
I did get to visit with my oldest daughter for a few minutes, at her new place in Indy. She was very apprehensive about being in Indy, when there is really nothing to worry about just because it isn't "home". Our home is now gone. The home that she and her sis grew up in, foreclosed on. Nothing I can do about that. It is what it is.
Her boyfriend is doing everything that he can to make her more comfortable. Painting the apartment, putting down new carpet, making it safer with new locks, etc. He's really trying. Nice.
I've been in contact with my youngest daughter too. She is really struggling while being away from me. Sounds depressed. Wants to be back here, although I know that won't work out for us.
I was forced to move her in with my Father, to get her away from this other Grandparent and her clearly obvious "issues" that impact others around her. Unknowingly. Alcohol. Nasty chemicals.
Grandfather doesn't drink, isn't judgmental, intoxicated, verbally abusive, demanding, critical, and is just the opposite in all aspects. Better for her up there, 20 miles north. More freedom.
I will deal with that issue shortly, and explain to her why its best where she now is. It isn't permanent anyway. These setbacks are only temporary, she'll have to be patient too. Like me.
My son is supposed to come up and visit this weekend, for one night. It's his 16th birthday. He is excited. Which means that I have to do some driving to get him back home some 300 miles total.
I don't find windshield time all that appealing, comfortable, get sore everywhere after about 30 miles or so. Then, I have to focus merely on the tasks at hand. I suffer, painful. Take meds..grrrr
Can't really help my oldest (unless I had my own home), can't really help my other daughter (unless I had a home), I will try to enjoy my one night with my son (ignore the driving part).
My gf wanted me to look at another house last night at 7pm. 25 miles away. I couldn't do it, too tired, too sore, so we made plans to see it on Saturday instead. Better for me. I will be near there anyway while getting my son. She is very excited about this next home, to a point that she isn't seeing the reality of this home's ownership. Too big, too old, too costly, to much upkeep, in a flood plane, flood insurance, large lot, too expensive to heat, taxes too high, doubling her present expenses that sometimes create a challenge already. Hate to burst her bubble. Be realistic.
It would solve one problem quickly, get us all together easily, but create new trouble at the same time. Financial troubles. Financial concern. Financial worry. Financial stresses....
Trying to persuade her to look at homes more "efficient". Newer. Rather than ancient, antique, old, inefficient. A real challenge for me to keep her more grounded.
I just moved out of a 160 year old house. The house itself created stresses with financial issues. $650 per month in utility cost alone. Depending upon the weather outside. Had a fireplace, and a wood stove as well to supplement for heat. Must not make the same mistake, twice. "Your house has such character and charm". I don't give a fuck, that house is eating me alive financially!
I do not want to go through that ever again. I learned a valuable lesson. Must lesson the burden and strain on the billfold and bank. Going to be a hard sell to convince my gf to think rationally.
Not really where I want to be, neither is anyone else though either, but this is just temporary and possible to fix, alter, adjust, to fit everyone. One thing, within my own control. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's time to begin the communications with everyone now, to help them understand what is going on, and when to expect something to get better. Something good to look forward too.
Have a great day! Make this a great day...:)

E-Man
Let me chime in for a quick moment, we will get right into it:

Disentangle is the word today. Separate the dramas so they are easier to manage. Concurrently we have health, yours and the gf including all biopsies and results, the government case, the mother, the father, the one daughter, the other, the sons trip, the house your in, the new house, money, the traveling, paperwork and more paperwork, and of course Dr Phil and judge Judy.

Disentangle. When there is a Broadway play, the acts are one after the next, the actors and stage hands both work to separate or section the drama off into small chunks, which gives it overall definition and meaning, the audience then has a chance to recover emotionally between them with breaks. Should the play deal with all acts at once, the audience would become overwhelmed, confused, and splintered.

You may not be able to completely disentangle (in this moment) for you set yourself up in multiple demanding roles at once, you are what Hollywood calls a 'A-list' actor. But even the A list gives attention to one script at a time, fully emersed in the current role.

I am telling you that you have multiple intense dramas playing on your 16 screens at once where you are the lead role, and you simply cannot achieve success this way, or fulfillment, attention. An actor that does this will burn out and wind up unemployed and hospitalized. Washed up.

Now you may not be aware you take on the world are you? Until your gab smack in the middle of multiple crisis, concurrent. At some point in early conditioning you were met with high expectations and a most demanding powerful authoritative command (figurehead) to make sure you accomplish..period. Now the child received this as jumbled signals because there was much on his plate to always do, without the mental maturity on how to accomplish so much being asked, or rather, required of him. He found himself on a merrygoround of never ending challenges to prove his worth and acceptance. When such demands could not be achieved he became hard on himself. That was the beginnings of the physical meltdown of the body. The immune system compromised because of the continual barrage of anger directed inward at the self at fault (guilt, shame). The win (in the child's terms) sought was not completion of the tasks, but in the approval afterward (love). The lack of approval fueled the constant psychological battle in the young mind that simply wanted to be loved. Beliefs became distorted.

Just understanding this will help you in the future to go easy at it. The impatience to get everything sorted quickly, is creating more things to sort, you see.

Heres to disentanglement and a relatively easy day.

It is your screenplay, give yourself an easy role from now on. Simply refuse complexity, period.

Best

[needtogetwell]

I'm -suffering,

Good post and very applicable to so many of us. Thank you for your words.

[Im-Suffering]

I'm -suffering,

Good post and very applicable to so many of us. Thank you for your words.

I believe I was still working on it, it takes a while to get these out, and it comes in chunks. Final was at 9:48.

Good to see you.

[Dahila]

Are you fried already Ch? Crispy on both sides. Eh I will repeat after Pam. stay strong!!

[Enduronman]

Buried under the poop pile! Anyway, I don't have much to offer but my continued friendship. Mine just holds it over your head if you ever have to ask for so much as a nickel. Stay strong my friend, there really isn't much else we can do. I am however missing your sense of humor, I really haven't seen much of that in the posts I've read. Don't lose that, it is one of your most endearing qualities.

Yes Pam. The Giant Poop Pile!
I enjoy your friendship, it means a lot to me.
Yes, exactly. Holds it over my head, even if its just a nickel.
I've asked her twice already to help me with the cost of a car part, only $25. She ignores me, my request, no money on the table yet.
I don't really need it, but since my Dad pays for some of my medications and all of my daughters other fees, I thought I should ask her to contribute. Nope..
I also miss my sense of humor, it was a part of who I was but that has since been lost under this pile of shit. I will try to dig it out, by hand. LOL!
Wishing you the best Pam.

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Disentangle is the word today. Separate the dramas so they are easier to manage. Concurrently we have health, yours and the gf including all biopsies and results, the swollen lymph node beneath your left arm, the ongoing Government case, your bank account was levied by the State, the Mother and her alcoholism, the Father and his tremors and stuttering, the one Daughter is scared where she is living and pregnant with her 3rd child, the other Daughter wants to move back in with you, the Sons trip and 16th birthday, the house your in, the new house, money, the traveling, paperwork and more paperwork, and of course Dr Phil, Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, Paternity Court, your Aunt is nearing death, your Nephew is getting a divorce, your Cousin is getting a divorce, your Sister has moved again for the 100th time, your car needs new tires before winter or you will die in a fiery crash, you are functional for 2 hours in the morning before pain takes hold, and the only programs you can watch on tv that doesn't stress you out is SpongeBob SquarePants or The Fairly Odd Parents!....(sigh)

Disentangle. Should the play deal with all acts at once, the audience would become overwhelmed, confused, and splintered. (you set yourself up in multiple demanding roles at once)

Now you may not be aware of your take on the world are you? (At some point in early conditioning you were met with high expectations and a most demanding powerful authoritative command (figurehead) to make sure you accomplish..period.) He found himself on a merrygoround of never ending challenges to prove his worth and acceptance. When such demands could not be achieved he became hard on himself. That was the beginnings of the physical meltdown of the body. The immune system compromised because of the continual barrage of anger directed inward at the self at fault (guilt, shame). The win (in the child's terms) sought was not completion of the tasks, but in the approval afterward (love). The lack of approval fueled the constant psychological battle in the young mind that simply wanted to be loved. Beliefs became distorted.

The impatience to get everything sorted quickly, is creating more things to sort, you see.

It is your screenplay, give yourself an easy role from now on. Simply refuse complexity, period.

Yes, agreed. Oh what a tangled web we weave. It HAS been like this for my entire life. Issues on multiple fronts. I have tried to deal with them all at one time. Correct.
Yes, seeking a sort of approval that I never really received. Doing my best at everything, every step of the way. Very bright, hyper, over active, awarded in class, awarded on the field.
I have a box filled with newspaper clippings of my Accomplishments. Both in school and in sports. Awards. Honor rolls, math, spelling, baseball. Positive recognition.
I didn't get any approval from my parents. I didn't know my Mother or Father even though they were there in the same house until I was 10 years old. hmm, weird.
Then, I was arrested for the first time at 10 after I hit a police car with a tomato. While it was moving. I was a great baseball player, accurate at throwing a ball, fast and hard. LMAO!!
That was the beginning of the end. I began to slowly erode away. Applying less effort in school. The approval I was getting apparently wasn't what I was looking for, or from who I wanted it from.
I was more satisfied and felt more rewarded by the chemical surge within my own body that was created by acts of stupidity and mischief. Then it became criminal. For years.
Arrests, charges, chases, troubles, issues, problems, acts, then of course to court. Always something going on, on multiple fronts. To much activity, to many things happening.
I more then likely burnt out my own adrenal systems during this time up until about age 18. Caused them to go haywire. Faulty. Setting myself up for a fall, mentally and physically.
Which of course, led me to do the same thing that my Father did when he divorced my Mother. He wanted someone else. He wanted something else that he wasn't getting. Love.
Which leads me to where I am today. The tangled train wreck mess of this life. With ALL those things going on around me, within me, and my worn out body and mind tries to deal with it.
Stupid dramatic screenplays, every where! Pieces and parts that are laying on the floor and ground, that I try to pick up and put back together. To make it look, feel, better...
Essentially, I'm just worn out. Ankles and knees were damaged and destroyed by 30 years of climbing, then the disease finished them off. Back, spine, is the same. Just worn out, done.
I was bound and determined to be something that both parents said I wouldn't be, when I dropped out of school. They said I would never make it. I would fail. In a sense, they were right.
I built successful companies, made lots of money, got married, had 3 kids, bought a house, had everything that one could want or need. Only, to fail and watch it all disappear before my eyes.
I told the Psych that yesterday. "It feels like I watched my own death". That is just how it feels to me. Because it feels like everything is now gone. Basically, it is. Except for me..I guess.
Like James Earl Jones said on New Years Eve in the year 2000, on David Letterman. "Everything's gonna splode"....it did! BAAAHAHAAHAAHA!!! YAY!!!!
Give myself an easier role and refuse complexity. My new quest. I can't "fix" everything. Only me.
Much appreciated perspectives, as always friend.
Have a great day too!

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

I didn't get any approval from my parents. I didn't know my Mother or Father even though they were there in the same house until I was 10 years old. hmm, weird.

All of this because you just wanted love. You see? To be loved, held, told you were special, hugged, and most of all validated. Approved of not because of grades, or what you do, but importantly now - because of who you are.

You are not special because of throwing a ball, or grades..You are to be validated at the very basic sense because you are human, approved of because you are you, a unique, important, vital part of creaturehood. And you came in as a gift to creation, with your own sense of self. Your parents would ideally love and cherish you because of this, and you were to be cradled in it, supported.

It was not your fault, and to this day it still isn't. Your father has grown and realized his mistakes to some extent, while mom drowns her guilt, betrayal, shame, in unfulfilled days of vice, and sorrow. Dad's separation was enough psychologically from mom to enable healing to a degree, self forgiveness through recapitulation. For mom, how sad for the soul to be so detached from love and who she is. But remember, this was her conditioning too, from her caregivers, so in a sense, it is not her fault either.

Now you are beginning to understand, all those things you did were fake, they weren't real, the businesses, the troubles, the winning. While you were busy with those things saying 'look at me mom', the repressed emotional energy was turning toward the body directed in destructive ways, you see? It had no where to go. Even the successes were met with indifference. You were damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

It's important to realize that not only should you stop the emotional rollercoaster, but to stop reminiscing and looking at the past. It was all fake. Pretend. It was, and still is to an extent that child looking for that approval. You've got to work in therapy to heal that child if you are ever going to find yourself, who are you? That boy still is waiting for validation, sitting inside you watching you spin yourself silly when all that you ever need is in that basic approval. You are approved of because of your journey, you are here, and inherently you are in a state of grace, that basic human alive-ness gives you integrity, not for any other reason but that you are alive. The little boy was meant to feel shameful and afraid of his future, bad and lonely, unloved, unwanted. As if his basic integrity or humanhood was somehow corrupt. You must talk to the boy in therapy and release this, heal him, he is you. Do you feel compassion for him? Will you love him, unconditionally? You need him to assist in the body's healing on a much deeper level than I care to discuss here at the moment. But, I hope for you to change your belief, the body is not a lost cause. At any moment there can be miraculous healing. That belief in itself would aid the natural resources of your cells in returning to mobility. The cellular blueprint is health, not disease, and they are always following that blueprint. But you see, you must face your beliefs, even if that means suffering. So you are not working in harmony, but against the natural framework of your body. The body believes in health, while you and the doctors prescribe to disease.

Just like your projections onto mom and her behaviour, so do you project beliefs onto the body, so the way towards healing is to see yourself differently, even if you still suffer, for it has taken time to reach this point, and it will take time for new beliefs to take hold. For example if you pictured yourself healthy and mobile, and worked on that in your imagination for some time each day, you would begin to see improvement in a months time.

Now you must realize the framework you have set up, you have constructed a future that depends on illness, do you understand? Financially, etc. Monies can come from everywhere, not only disability. Your probable future would change and thus the current framework would shatter opening new possibilities. You could be healthy and win the lottery, in those terms. But in the current framework all probable realities other than the current focus are shut out.

It would be helpful to give posts like this to your therapist. Either they would dismiss me as crazy, or it would help them in helping you.

That is all for this morning. I will tell you heartily that the information coming through here is excellent. My guides have just told me.

You, have a healthy, and prosperous day

[Im-Suffering]

The post above is complete at 924. I've got to say that because I'm continually adding. But it's done now.

[needtogetwell]

Eman,

Through your story I see much of myself. Is it a sign of our generation? Maybe. The parallels I can draw on my own life are much the same as yours, even though the specifics as different.

The need for love and acceptance is of immense importance, and above all else love and acceptance of ourselves. We both have a long road to travel but I think we've both made the first steps.

Here's to the journey my friend.
Cheers!

[Enduronman]

All of this because you just wanted love. You see? Approved of because you are you. It was not your fault, and to this day it still isn't. Your father has grown and realized his mistakes. (True). Your mom drowns her guilt, betrayal, shame, in unfulfilled days of vice, and sorrow. (True). But remember, this was her conditioning too, from her caregivers, so in a sense, it is not her fault either. Even the successes were met with indifference. You were damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Stop reminiscing and looking at the past. It would be helpful to give posts like this to your therapist. That is all for this morning. I will tell you heartily that the information coming through here is excellent. My guides have just told me.

You, have a healthy, and prosperous day

I fully understand more things now, then I ever had before.
I was yet again hit with sarcasm the second I saw my Mother enter this room this morning.
"Do you still have work to do on that computer all the time?"
"What, are you writing a book or something?"
Uh, "Well, this is how I communicate with my Dad, both daughters, my son, my girlfriend, my doctor so yes, I guess I have work to do."
I wanted to say "none of your business, and I don't get drunk and call anyone who will answer every night."
I also wanted to say "Yes, I am writing a book, about you and how you are."

So, I tried to dig a little deeper into her mind to figure out why everything that comes out of her mouth is negative, pessimistic, sarcasm, judging of others.
I heard a story that I didn't know of. She was abandoned at age 3 by her Father, she saw him once a year, he was in WWII, an MP, he lived in a one room place, he didn't pay support, he wasn't there for her, he got ran over by a truck when she was 8, and she started crying about it and saying that she wasn't raised well and had a rough life.
Then she started saying that I have raised my girls incorrectly, by enabling them to be dependent upon me, or someone else. Judging how I parented them. Judging by how I tried to fill the void in their lives, left by their Mother that abandoned them. Says that it is all wrong.

I now know where her negative, cynical, pessimism, selfishness, judgmental, attitudes towards everyone else, comes from. Childhood. A damaged childhood.
She has no fucking right, to judge me, or anyone else, regardless of how tough she had it. Just because I raise my kids, differently. Then she raised me or how she was raised.
She carries events from the pasts, around with her, everywhere she goes, daily. Things beyond her own control. At the time.

I am learning more and more throughout all of these word exchanges and I thank you for taking the time to present them to me as well.

I really want to leave here. We are all being punished by her own misfortunes of her life. 73 years ago. Sad....

E-Man.

[Enduronman]

Eman,

Through your story I see much of myself. Is it a sign of our generation? Maybe. The parallels I can draw on my own life are much the same as yours, even though the specifics as different.

The need for love and acceptance is of immense importance, and above all else love and acceptance of ourselves. We both have a long road to travel but I think we've both made the first steps.

Here's to the journey my friend.
Cheers!

I don't know exactly wtf this person's entire deal is, but it is frustrating, annoying, infuriating at times.
She will be whatever she is going to be I guess. It's no wonder that no one wants to be around her.
She may not even wonder why that is either..
What a journey!
Blessings.

E-Man.

[needtogetwell]

I don't know exactly wtf this person's entire deal is, but it is frustrating, annoying, infuriating at times. She will be whatever she is going to be I guess. It's no wonder that no one wants to be around her. She may not even wonder why that is either.. What a journey! Blessings. E-Man.

I think in the years to come, our mothers may come to the realization that being elderly is a lonely place when you have alienated your children. For the time being my mom (78yrs) has my dad (85yrs), but she has effectively alienated both my sister and me. Time will tell whether I ease up my position regarding her. She always said I would get back in life what I gave out, well I certainly hope the same holds true in reverse.

Here's hoping your day has gone well, I've had much buracratic bull shit to deal with today and my mother in law, time for a nap.

Smile my friend, it makes the journey a little more tolerable.

Pam

[Dahila]

Pam and Ch. You are so right, and taking the lesson from your experience I started to rebuild my relations with my children, and it is working, good good, and making me happy and loved. Thanks my friends :)

[Enduronman]

I think in the years to come, our mothers may come to the realization that being elderly is a lonely place when you have alienated your children. For the time being my mom (78yrs) has my dad (85yrs), but she has effectively alienated both my sister and me. Time will tell whether I ease up my position regarding her. She always said I would get back in life what I gave out, well I certainly hope the same holds true in reverse.

Here's hoping your day has gone well, I've had much buracratic bull shit to deal with today and my mother in law, time for a nap.

Smile my friend, it makes the journey a little more tolerable.

Pam

Yes, I can understand the alienating the children aspect very well. She has done the same thing with my sister, treated her the same ways, acted the same, behaved in the same manner, said much of the same things. My sister won't even talk to her, or even call her Mom. She calls her by name. My sis will not ease up her position and I too am struggling to even find a position at the moment. Yesterday, was by far the most trying and difficult day yet, since I have been here. I had sent her a Facebook message stating that it would be nice if we all (me, my Dad, my son, my daughter, my Mom) had dinner together on Saturday night and celebrated my son's 16th birthday. She made it clear that she despises my youngest daughter, doesn't want her around, all because of her past. The past drug addiction, the past arrests, the pasts failures in school, the pasts words my daughter spoke to her by telling her to shut the fuck up, and the fact that I and my Dad enable her by giving her money daily so she can have gas in her car and a pack of smokes too. Yesterday was a day filled with Judgment and it didn't stop until late in the evening. When she of course, passed out. That's what brought out all that bullshit that I did not know of my Mom's childhood. The fact that she was abandoned at age 3, the crying, the sadness, as if she is jealous that my Dad and I both do whatever we can to make my daughters life, more simple, easier, more bearable for her. I told my Mom that we do help her because we feel that we are filling a huge void left behind in her life by the fact that she was abandoned by her Mother 7 years ago. THAT didn't, and does not, sit well with this parent that I am forced to live with. She thinks that my Father and I are wrong, wishes for us to conform, wishes to change how we act, wishes to change how we treat my daughter, when in all reality, we wish that she would quit drinking, stop Judging us, and forgive my daughter for the mistakes of herpast. Does she give a flying fuck what WE think SHE should or shouldn't be doing? NO. She does the same thing, every single day, starting at 3pm, until she passes out. She creates her own havoc, disruptions, turmoil, troubles, mental disorders, misery, in this few hour period of time. I heard her call my Dad and tell him how wrong he is, how wrong I am, how she doesn't want my daughter around her, how sad it is that my other daughter is pregnant again, and I was within mere seconds of throwing the phone through the window, and pushing my parent to the floor while speaking the same words that my daughter has already spoken. Shut The Fuck Up! STOP JUDGING EVERYONE ELSE AND LOOK INTO THE MIRROR YOU FUCKIN DRUNK! She is, and has, alienated everyone in the family. Like Mother, like daughter, they BOTH think that it is everyone else, that has a problem. Not themselves. Everyone else is wrong. Not them. She will never change. She doesn't even know that she's doing it. She doesn't even wonder why no one wants to be around her. She doesn't even understand why my nephew didn't visit all summer. It's ALL because of her. I would be better off, if I didn't give a fuck about any of it but that's hard to do being such a sensitive person, with a semi-rational, semi-logical, semi-sensible, mind. LOL!

I need to simply, get away from here, move out, be gone..with that smile you mentioned to make this journey more tolerable. I may not feel better physically, but mentally I would be golden. I'm working on how to do that now. How, when, where, how fast I can make that happen. I would be a happier more rounded person. This place is creating a huge sludge pit of emotions within my mind. Up shit creek without a paddle. Looking for that paddle now! Surely it has to be around here somewhere...maybe I need better glasses.

My X wife, and Mother of all my children, would not allow them to see their Grandmother for many years because of words that she had spoken to my X. I never believed that this person would have said such things to her, harsh, hateful words. This person never admitted to speaking them. I now see and realize that those words were in fact, spoken and true. This was a major reason for our divorce, it played a major role in it as my X kept my children away from my family. For good reasons, that I now feel. Her thoughts, feelings, actions, were all real and not make believe as I had thought. For some strange reason, I feel as if I owe her an apology for my ignorance. In all reality, my Mother took part in my divorce, and all the other terrible things that followed along with the abandonment, moving out of State with my son, and my daughters addictions, troubles, issues, mental disorders, views, perspectives, perception, of this world and everything in it. All this, I was forced to learn and know.

My brain hurts! I hurt everywhere else, why not there now too!!! YAY!!!

Maybe, this was my lesson and what I was supposed to learn. What a tough class! Only problem is that I can't quit! Shit....

(sigh)

E-Man. grrr

[Enduronman]

Pam and Ch. You are so right, and taking the lesson from your experience I started to rebuild my relations with my children, and it is working, good good, and making me happy and loved. Thanks my friends :)

I am learning lessons that I didn't want too!
I am also leaning more towards making my children feel happy and loved too, I refuse to be like anyone other than who I am.
Have a great day Dahl!

E-Man :)

[needtogetwell]

I guess Ch that it is true that some of us learn lessons the hard way. Growing up in families devoid of love and affection simply has devastating long term effects. Case in point, I am now rediculously sensitive the feeling of being unappreciated or taken for granted. That was seriously part of the reason why my first marriage failed. I suppose I have been so desperate for love, acknowledgement and appreciation that I sometimes find it difficult to see the world through another's eyes.

I am probably the most unselfish and giving person out there. Yesterday I got seriously annoyed with my husband because he failed to acknowledge my efforts in a trying day we had with his mother. She has alzhimers disease and the world is slipping away from her. I am the one who deals with everything for her. I drive her around to doctor appointments, do her laundry, shop for her, deal with the various agencies who see her on a daily basis while she is still in her own home, go tour the various nursing homes that she may be placed in, deal with all her bills, banking and all the various legalities regarding her power of attorney, the list seems endless. For all that all I expected was a "thank you" for dealing with his mom. I didn't get it, and immediately felt unappreciated. To his credit, he often does thank me for all I do for her.

I once spoke of this to a friend and was told " well that's what families do, they love eachother and take care of their own". Well it's a lovely sentiment but when you grow up in a family devoid of affection and nurturing from a mother, it is a difficult concept to wrap your brain around.

Ok, I'm babbling now....

Ch, you did a wonderful thing suggesting that you have a family dinner to celebrate your sons birthday. Go ahead with your plans, even if your mom chooses not to be a part of it. And don't fool yourself, it is a choice she has made.

I wish your son a very happy 16th birthday! So hide the keys to your car cause you know that's next! Lol

Cheers my friend, here's to a day where we both find reasons to smile!

Pam

[Dahila]

Yeah go ahead and plan it, do not put attention on people who do not make an effort. They are not worth the time and the pain, have a good day people

[Enduronman]

I guess Ch that it is true that some of us learn lessons the hard way. (Growing up in families devoid of love and affection simply has devastating long term effects.) Case in point, I am now (rediculously sensitive) the feeling of being unappreciated or taken for granted. That was seriously part of the reason why my first marriage failed. I suppose I have been so desperate for love, acknowledgement and appreciation that I sometimes (find it difficult to see the world through another's eyes.)

(I am probably the most unselfish and giving person out there.) Yesterday I got seriously annoyed with my husband because he failed to acknowledge my efforts in a trying day we had with his mother. She has alzhimers disease and the world is slipping away from her. I am the one who deals with everything for her. I drive her around to doctor appointments, do her laundry, shop for her, deal with the various agencies who see her on a daily basis while she is still in her own home, go tour the various nursing homes that she may be placed in, deal with all her bills, banking and all the various legalities regarding her power of attorney, the list seems endless. (For all that all I expected was a "thank you" for dealing with his mom. I didn't get it, and immediately felt unappreciated.) To his credit, he often does thank me for all I do for her.

I once spoke of this to a friend and was told " well that's what families do, they love eachother and take care of their own". Well it's a lovely sentiment but when you (grow up in a family devoid of affection and nurturing from a mother, it is a difficult concept to wrap your brain around.)

Ok, I'm babbling now....

Ch, you did a wonderful thing suggesting that you have a family dinner to celebrate your sons birthday. Go ahead with your plans, even if your mom chooses not to be a part of it. And don't fool yourself, it is a choice she has made.

I wish your son a very happy 16th birthday! So hide the keys to your car cause you know that's next! Lol

Cheers my friend, here's to a day where we both find reasons to smile!

Pam

Very wise words friend. I can empathize with most all of that except for the position that you're in and caring for your Mother in law, that has got to be extremely tough and hard on you. I truly admire your effort, patience, sympathy, compassion in every regard. Babbling is good Pam, babble all you want. I do, and it helps me to think things through in ways that I generally wouldn't. Plus, there are very helpful people here as well. It all just seems to make more sense, easier to understand. In a world filled with difficulty and misunderstandings nearly everywhere we turn.

Today, I decided to spend my day in my room. Away from the person that makes me feel like I will never be cheerful again. After yesterdays emotional vomit and meltdown, I now know why my sister would never come out of her room when she was here either. I learned so so much about my parent. It still gives her no excuse or reasons or permissions to treat people as she does, behaves as she does. There is so much more I could say, but I won't. I will just sit here and enjoy some actual peace, quiet, and less anxiety too. Hell I even laid here and laughed for a minute, amused myself by sending my Dad and daughter some stupid texts about being in this prison complete with all amenities. It could always be worse I suppose.

Thank you for the birthday wishes too friend!

Hopes we can find reasons to smile soon!! YAY!!!

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Yeah go ahead and plan it, do not put attention on people who do not make an effort. They are not worth the time and the pain, have a good day people

You got that right Dahl!
You have a good day as well friend.

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Going to make this day a good day, I have hope for that anyway.
Will be picking up my son in an hour or so, and then looking at a potential house to live in, besides here! LOL!!
I am trying to keep my anxiety levels down by avoiding certain anxiety triggers. Anxiety still found its way into my room but I managed it with positive thoughts.
Gotta get ready to go now, wishing you all a great day!
Blessings. :)

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

grrrrr..
He's going to be late, because his Mother is always late.
Thank God for cell phones! I would have been sitting there for awhile.
He just crossed the bridge in Louisville. 120 miles to go! LMAO!!
NOT going to let it bother me, its just how she is and always was. She has her own time, at her own pace, that was NEVER in sync with anything or anyone else. BAAHA!!
We couldn't even make it next door for Christmas dinner by 6pm, with all day to prepare...such great times.
Hopes for an awesome day! YAY!!

E-Man. :)

[needtogetwell]

Ok Mr. Grrrr, yes it sucks that he is going to be late but at least he is still on his way. Positive my friend, stay positive.!

This day has the potential to be a sore cheek day from all the smiling and laughing you are going to do!

Not only are you going to see your boy, you could very well find a new place to live! When you go to see the house, look for all the reasons it would work, rather than why it won't. I'm not telling you to accept something which isn't suitable, I'm just asking you look for the good, even if it isn't your dream home. As far as I'm concerned, as long as it meets the basic requirements, it's the people in the home that makes it the dream!

Enjoy your day my friend, and let us know how it goes!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Cheers!
Pam

[Enduronman]

Ok Mr. Grrrr, yes it sucks that he is going to be late but at least he is still on his way. Positive my friend, stay positive.!

This day has the potential to be a sore cheek day from all the smiling and laughing you are going to do!

Not only are you going to see your boy, you could very well find a new place to live! When you go to see the house, look for all the reasons it would work, rather than why it won't. I'm not telling you to accept something which isn't suitable, I'm just asking you look for the good, even if it isn't your dream home. As far as I'm concerned, as long as it meets the basic requirements, it's the people in the home that makes it the dream!

Enjoy your day my friend, and let us know how it goes!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Cheers!
Pam

Yes, Mr. Grrrrr..I did finally get my boy and we did go and look at that house too. It had 3 tiny bedrooms, a giant full bath off of the dining room (weird), no storm windows (built in 1895), a small living room, a 50's style kitchen (which my gf actually liked), and I looked at it with a positive eye too! It just won't work for us. It's also in the flood plane, across from a cemetery so when you're doing dishes you're looking at grave stones, and had a giant yard for which I can't mow at the moment and she hates yard work too. All in all, considering all these variables and also the $150K price tag, high taxes, high insurance, it was not the best fit for her, I, and potentially 5 kids at any one time. NOTTA!!! Just have to keep looking, searching, viewing different places. There are other options available for us, we'll just have to be patient which is something that we both struggle with.

I am doing my best to enjoy the day otherwise. Visiting with all 3 of my kids, and my Dad too. A nice, relaxing, break from the mess and mayhem I usually live in. My son asked me what we're going to do tomorrow? I said well, considering I walk around like I'm a zombie from The Walking Dead show, probably nothing. I'm sore as all hell just from driving a damn car around all day. Taking handfuls of pills to control it, yet they don't make me feel "good". I feel like shit. My doc is on vacation this week so I will be going back again next week to discuss all this with her, again. Always sore, always tired, always feel like a piece of shit but taking everything that they say to help me. It isn't working very well.

Also go back to the Psych again on Monday too. The first two visits have just been filled with questions about me, my life, my illnesses, aches, pains, thoughts, issues, and I haven't been offered any real useful advice or suggestions yet other than him saying that I need to be on an anti-depressant. I will discuss that issue with the doc when she returns. Maybe just try some Prozac again as it did seem to be helpful but that was years ago. I just don't know what to do at this point. I've got every other medication on the market, besides AD's. (sigh)...

Other than all that, doing ok. Sitting here with my kids and Dad. It is definitely a different world when I am around them...much needed, much appreciated, much fulfillment, the best things in life are my kids even if they aren't doing everything right, according to someone else's view. I still love them anyway.

Have a great day Pam! Wishing you the best friend.

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

Yes, Mr. Grrrrr..I did finally get my boy and we did go and look at that house too. It had 3 tiny bedrooms, a giant full bath off of the dining room (weird), no storm windows (built in 1895), a small living room, a 50's style kitchen (which my gf actually liked), and I looked at it with a positive eye too! It just won't work for us. It's also in the flood plane, across from a cemetery so when you're doing dishes you're looking at grave stones, and had a giant yard for which I can't mow at the moment and she hates yard work too. All in all, considering all these variables and also the $150K price tag, high taxes, high insurance, it was not the best fit for her, I, and potentially 5 kids at any one time. NOTTA!!! Just have to keep looking, searching, viewing different places. There are other options available for us, we'll just have to be patient which is something that we both struggle with.

I am doing my best to enjoy the day otherwise. Visiting with all 3 of my kids, and my Dad too. A nice, relaxing, break from the mess and mayhem I usually live in. My son asked me what we're going to do tomorrow? I said well, considering I walk around like I'm a zombie from The Walking Dead show, probably nothing. I'm sore as all hell just from driving a damn car around all day. Taking handfuls of pills to control it, yet they don't make me feel "good". I feel like shit. My doc is on vacation this week so I will be going back again next week to discuss all this with her, again. Always sore, always tired, always feel like a piece of shit but taking everything that they say to help me. It isn't working very well.

Also go back to the Psych again on Monday too. The first two visits have just been filled with questions about me, my life, my illnesses, aches, pains, thoughts, issues, and I haven't been offered any real useful advice or suggestions yet other than him saying that I need to be on an anti-depressant. I will discuss that issue with the doc when she returns. Maybe just try some Prozac again as it did seem to be helpful but that was years ago. I just don't know what to do at this point. I've got every other medication on the market, besides AD's. (sigh)...

Other than all that, doing ok. Sitting here with my kids and Dad. It is definitely a different world when I am around them...much needed, much appreciated, much fulfillment, the best things in life are my kids even if they aren't doing everything right, according to someone else's view. I still love them anyway.

Have a great day Pam! Wishing you the best friend.

E-Man :)

Why don't you buy new construction. Symbolic of your new life together, a new start. Pick your floorplan, paint, cabinets, appliances, everything together. Someplace with a new history waiting to be made, as a family. Its part of putting the past behind you, and it would give you much needed vitality, and a new exciting outlook.

Move in with new furniture, pick it together. This probable choice of action will help speed up your case and get you your monies quickly because it would give you the impetus and need for a firm decision to quit the drama and get it settled. You would simply need the money, thus it would come. You would put the mom-drama behind you because that doesn't fit with the new plans. New plans, new blueprint, new construction, new furniture, new outlook, new money, new body, new feelings, new outlook, new life....

Lift your esteem up (artificially at first), until its sufficiently high enough where everyone around you sees you differently, literally. The main problem is you have not yet in any case or any issue made a firm decision. Decisions begin to form reality immediately in accord with the state of mind. The problem is, you have forgotten how to make decisions. Let me remind you of times in life you just up and went or took action regardless of any critique or any one, you acted at once and burned every bridge behind you even if that course was into the unknown and safety was not guaranteed. Either you act on your decision or you perish. That is a decision. Decide enough is enough

There are several decisions to make, each of you know instinctively what you need to do. The natural offshoots of indecision are fear, worry, doubt.

Period.

[Enduronman]

Why don't you buy new construction. Symbolic of your new life together, a new start. Pick your floorplan, paint, cabinets, appliances, everything together. Someplace with a new history waiting to be made, as a family. Its part of putting the past behind you, and it would give you much needed vitality, and a new exciting outlook.

Move in with new furniture, pick it together. This probable choice of action will help speed up your case and get you your monies quickly because it would give you the impetus and need for a firm decision to quit the drama and get it settled. You would simply need the money, thus it would come. You would put the mom-drama behind you because that doesn't fit with the new plans. New plans, new blueprint, new construction, new furniture, new outlook, new money, new body, new feelings, new outlook, new life....

Lift your esteem up (artificially at first), until its sufficiently high enough where everyone around you sees you differently, literally. The main problem is you have not yet in any case or any issue made a firm decision. Decisions begin to form reality immediately in accord with the state of mind. The problem is, you have forgotten how to make decisions. Let me remind you of times in life you just up and went or took action regardless of any critique or any one, you acted at once and burned every bridge behind you. Either you act on your decision or you perish. That is a decision. Decide enough is enough

Period.

I would love to look at new construction but I believe my gf is dead set on having an old inefficient house. There is some over there already done, 5 bdrms, 3 baths, and in her price range too. Not real sure how to convince her otherwise but I will try anyway. I just have a real problem with her or I having to write hefty checks to the utility companies. It makes no sense to me, when there is a better alternative. Newer construction! YAY!!!

Yes, need to put this bullshit mom-drama behind me ASAP. When we got here, she was talking on the phone to someone about her tough childhood and made a remark that I thought she had it made. She is extremely disturbed. I am avoiding her. My son is talking to her now. I hope that she doesn't corrupt his mind with her bullshit. She is damaged. At least that's what my Dad told me today. Upset with him, her other X, and everyone else in the world too that crosses her path. It will be a blessing to get out of this place! New everything! She is essentially just an anchor at the moment. Gotta cut the line! :)

Working to lift my esteem. Yes, there were many time that I just up, went, and took action. I am ready!

Thank you friend. Very kind of you.

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Older house have a charm, but with the winter very cold the price of heat is enormous, the A/C takes so much away. I am fun of newer houses also. 100 years house: must take all the walls off, redo the instalation, put a new isolation on and .....put the walls coaking, paint ..............
100 years old house in Europe is a decent house, but it was not build with wood and paper like the ones we live.. I do not complain though, i like when my wall is warm instead of brick cold:)
Older houses are very expensive to take care off. What is happening with your mom is very sad, very sad indeed. Keep strong my friend, :)

[1Bluerose68]

Hi Enduroman? How are you doing???

[1Bluerose68]

Remember, newness is symbolic, period. Out with the old. Get a puppy, also highly symbolic of motion and mobility. Helping you increase your range. A puppy or kitten would open the love centers where the heart has closed. In that context puppies have treated and healed more broken hearts than surgery.

Hi Im Suffering...How are you doing???

[Dahila]

Remember, newness is symbolic, period. Out with the old. Get a puppy, also highly symbolic of motion and mobility. Helping you increase your range. A puppy or kitten would open the love centers where the heart has closed. In that context puppies have treated and healed more broken hearts than surgery.
Eman had a puppy, he could not take care of it, so he found him good owners with huge yard

[robanski]

have you considered going gluten free ? check it out on google . strong link to mental disorders and wheat . i tried it an boom , anxiety and depression gone! after 35 years of pain

[Dahila]

robanski thank you for the advice, we are bunch of idiots here:)))
Very impressing

[Enduronman]

Older house have a charm, but with the winter very cold the price of heat is enormous, the A/C takes so much away. I am fun of newer houses also. 100 years house: must take all the walls off, redo the instalation, put a new isolation on and .....put the walls coaking, paint ..............
100 years old house in Europe is a decent house, but it was not build with wood and paper like the ones we live.. I do not complain though, i like when my wall is warm instead of brick cold:)
Older houses are very expensive to take care off. What is happening with your mom is very sad, very sad indeed. Keep strong my friend, :)

My old house was built in 1858. Solid brick, no insulation, 11' ceilings. It did have some charm, character, but it was a real drain on me to keep it cool and to heat it too. In all honesty, I don't miss the house I just miss the freedom, alone time, peace, quiet and the ability to have some real relaxation. I couldn't get up and down the stairs easily but I knew my daughters were up there and that they were happy, safe, fed, cared for. I don't get any of that now. That's what I miss. I miss being with them the most. Even if they were stressing me out, it was a kind of stress that I knew how to deal with and handle. A stress that I could change. Issues that I could adjust, correct, and help. I lost them, I lost the house 3 1/2 months ago. Seeing them yesterday was so very nice. They gave me a sense of calm just by being with them even though neither of them, are where they want to be. They want to be with me. I'm working on that part now too of course. I know that I just need to be patient but this shit sucks ass. Taking my son back to Louisville today isn't going to be fun either. I will miss him and think of him often afterwards. He's 16 today. His day of birth. He is a blessing. I will be with him again at Christmas, and then will be looking forward to the day that he can move away from his Mother too. I envision that all 3 of my kids will be in my same home with me in the future. Just have to be patient, hope, wait for that day. We will be together again...

Doing my best to avoid the Mom drama! LOL!! She doesn't even know that she creates it. Yes, very sad indeed.

Have a great day Dahl!

E-Man :)

[JohnC]

I can relate E-man. My house is dated as pre 1900. when i bought it the place was in shambles. 14 years later i am still working on it and after last winter i wish i would have insulated it first. The stairs in my house are the old very steep stairs that would not make code in todays standards. I remodeled the upstairs the second year i was here and after many falls down the damn stairs i do not go up stairs unless i have to stop the kids from fighting or something needs fixed. Ever since the recession it's been a struggle just to keep the house and pay bills. The good old "American dream"aint quite what it used to be. I guess thats why the rental market is booming now. Enough rambling and i do feel your pain. Peace

[needtogetwell]

Happy Sunday Ch,

After reading yours and Johns accounts of living in pre-1900 homes, the romantic notion I've always had about them had completely gone out the window!

I don't always agree with I'm-suffering, but his idea of something new really sounds good. I certainly don't regret buying my house brand new 14 years ago. Only now am I having to consider some fairly major repairs, the shingles are going so next spring I have to have the roof done. They will probably last a few more years but I'm thinking I better do it sooner than later.

I hope you can convince your girlfriend to consider something new, for the money you are talking about you must be able to find something really nice.

Have a wonderful day friends,

Cheers
Pam

[Enduronman]

I can relate E-man. My house is dated as pre 1900. when i bought it the place was in shambles. 14 years later i am still working on it and after last winter i wish i would have insulated it first. The stairs in my house are the old very steep stairs that would not make code in todays standards. I remodeled the upstairs the second year i was here and after many falls down the damn stairs i do not go up stairs unless i have to stop the kids from fighting or something needs fixed. (Ever since the recession it's been a struggle just to keep the house and pay bills. The good old "American dream"aint quite what it used to be.) I guess thats why the rental market is booming now. Enough rambling and i do feel your pain. Peace

Hey John! Yes, my then wife wanted an old house so I bought it in 98. In the early years there, when I was younger and healthy, things didn't seem to be as tough to deal with. Or maybe I just didn't pay much attention to it then. I didn't really have time too as I was just way too busy with working, trying to make money, to pay all the bills. The utilities weren't as high as they became. I also threw a lot of money into the house, the kitchen especially although I was fine with the kitchen the way that it was, my wife wasn't. Then, it did just become a chore and challenge to be sure that everything was paid. I know the feeling about that struggle to keep the house, pay the bills. If only We the People would have gotten a bailout..we suffered.

Ramble all you want to friend, it helps us to sort things out in our minds.

Blessings John.

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Happy Sunday Ch,

After reading yours and Johns accounts of living in pre-1900 homes, the romantic notion I've always had about them had completely gone out the window!

I don't always agree with I'm-suffering, but his idea of something new really sounds good. I certainly don't regret buying my house brand new 14 years ago. Only now am I having to consider some fairly major repairs, the shingles are going so next spring I have to have the roof done. They will probably last a few more years but I'm thinking I better do it sooner than later.

I hope you can convince your girlfriend to consider something new, for the money you are talking about you must be able to find something really nice.

Have a wonderful day friends,

Cheers
Pam

Yes Pam. Try to avoid that romantic notion at all costs! My house literally ate me alive both mind, body, and soul. $600.00 a month gas bills! Just to keep it 65 degrees inside. We were always cold unless I had a fire going in both the fireplace and the wood stove too. I can truly empathize with you about the roofing project. That's what I did for 30 years. Strenuous, labor intensive, hard on this old body. Part of the reason that I can hardly walk anymore. My body is shot. And the cost of roofing materials skyrocketed in the past 5 years or so too. They doubled in price. They blamed it on increased cost of oil. I blame it on the recession. Selling less product, so they must charge higher prices for the product that they do sell. There used to be a project taking place at every corner or block, now, there is nothing taking place and everyone is out of work to do. I've called many roofing companies to try to sell some of my equipment, none of them are interested because they have no work, no money, no backlog of things to do. We are still in a recession here and everyone is hanging on to their money. Now that was rambling! YAY!!!

I hope I can convince her to look at newer homes too but she said last night that she can't envision herself living in a new home. It may be a tough sell for her. I'm 100% for it though! Less maintenance, less upkeep, less expendatures, less utilities costs, would make me a happier man. I don't want to go through what I went through, again. Or for her to be money stressed either. Because she will be.

Have a great day Pam!

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Hi Enduroman? How are you doing???

Hanging in there Blue!
How are you doing?

Enjoy the day friend.

E-Man :)

[JohnC]

Don't even mention shingles, lol. The first thing i did when i got this place in 2000 beside replumb the place was take off a old leaking tin roof and put shingles on it. When i tore the tin off there was wooden shake shingles underneath! What a job that turned out to be. Did i mention that i don't like heights. The plan was to have the whole house done in 10 years, 14 years later i still have one room to go on the inside and insulation and siding on the outside. Hell, the stuff i did 14 years ago is starting to need repair! At 49 i do not recoup from the pain and soreness like i used to. They say getting old aint for sissies but just thinking about it gives me a PANIC attack! :) Peace all

[Im-Suffering]

How are ya'll this Sunday? Just a quick chime in on topic and before the next therapy appt.

Many psychiatrist and psychologists now realise that a disturbed client cannot be helped sufficiently unless the individual is considered along with his or her relationship to the family unit.

The same idea applies to physical illness as well. It is possible, however, to carry this idea even further, so that a person in poor health should be seen by the physician in relationship to the family and also in relationship to the environment. Old-time family doctors understood the patient’s sensitivity to family members and to the environment, of course, and they often felt a lively sympathy and understanding that the practitioners of modern medicine often seem to have forgotten.

Also on the subject of genetics, I have heard the questions regarding illness.

Beliefs do indeed bring about physical alterations. They can even – and often do – change genetic messages.

There are diseases that people believe are inherited, carried from one generation to another by a faulty genetic communication. Obviously, many people with, for example, a genetic heritage of arthritis, do not come down with the disease themselves, while others indeed are so afflicted. The difference is one of belief.

The people who have accepted the suggestion uncritically that they will inherit such a malady do then seem to inherit it: they experience the symptoms. Actually the belief itself may have turned a healthy genetic message into an unhealthy one.

Best wishes for a good session tomorrow is it not?

Also, do your own research on new construction, take a trip by yourself to the sales office and pick up blueprints/brochures, when you find something magnificent surprise her, show her the model home (or a few different homes)and or floorplans. She will enjoy that. Imaginings would not do justice for her as much as an actual walkthrough. Then you will at least have made your final decision on concrete experience and neither one of you will have regrets because you would have explored all possibilities.

[Enduronman]

Don't even mention shingles, lol. The first thing i did when i got this place in 2000 beside replumb the place was take off a old leaking tin roof and put shingles on it. When i tore the tin off there was wooden shake shingles underneath! What a job that turned out to be. Did i mention that i don't like heights. The plan was to have the whole house done in 10 years, 14 years later i still have one room to go on the inside and insulation and siding on the outside. Hell, the stuff i did 14 years ago is starting to need repair! At 49 i do not recoup from the pain and soreness like i used to. They say getting old aint for sissies but just thinking about it gives me a PANIC attack! :) Peace all

I worked on many homes that had the wood shingles beneath 4 layers of shingles, those were the dirtiest jobs ever! And the most expensive too. Redecking, all those little nails, dust, soot, nasty. I climbed on roofs that were 22 pitch, and 70' in the air. I loved the heights! LOL! I also know all about soreness. I've been dealing with constant soreness for 28 friggin months solid, non stop, and all kinds of meds to help it too. I feel like a zombie. You'll get it done John, just takes time and patience too.

Yes, getting old sucks ass!

Have a good day friend.

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

How are ya'll this Sunday? Is your Mother still a fuckin idiot? Just a quick chime in on topic and before the next therapy appt. Also on the subject of genetics, I have heard the questions regarding illness. There are diseases that people believe are inherited, carried from one generation to another by a faulty genetic communication. The difference is one of belief.

Best wishes for a good session tomorrow is it not?

Yes, my Mother is still a fuckin idiot. Insensitive, selfish, self centered, harsh, rude, unjust, and just fucked up my son's day of birth. I wanted to strangle this woman. Literally.
He just asked her for his birthday card with money in it before he went to the mall with his sister, that my parent hates.
She said "I'm not giving it to you until you get back because your sister will steal it from you!".......grrrrrrr
I said "He's going to the fucking mall and he wants to go shopping!"......grrrrrrrrrr
She then said "Well, are you going to spend it on you or your sister?!"...grrrrrr
He said, "Grammy, it's MY CHOICE of what I do with my gift!!!"......(sigh)....
I told her to "shut the fuck up, quit trying to make everyone DO what you think they should DO, because it isn't your fuckin right or place to tell everyone how to be or live so you approve!!"
She then said "Well, you're a terrible parent and its all your fault that your girls did drugs and got into trouble and got pregnant!!" and "You make me sick and upset all the time!"......Breathe Chris, calm down, don't retaliate...with?
"Hey Mom, do you fucking recall that your daughter was pregnant twice when she was 15 and 16 and you drove her out of state to get abortions, and she was pregnant again at 17 and had a baby with no Father, and she was also a drug addict, and I too was a fucking drug addict and got arrested 30 times, and got kicked out of a major city, and both of us dropped out of school, and we were both terrible children, so that makes YOU a fuckin terrible parent I guess?" ...."You sick, mentally disturbed dumbass that is terrorizing everyone around you!"...breathe..

THAT is how today went, and yes I go to see the Psych again tomorrow too armed with yet another fucked up story about this sickening deranged alcoholic that I now live with and not because of choice.

Happy Birthday Son?...Holy shit!!!.....We're making memories? Isn't this great?...And I have to drive him 2 hours away, drop him off, let him go again, and not see him until Christmas...

I am presently wishing for things to happen, that aren't pleasant to state or discuss with anyone. My Father calmed me down, and says that she has brain damage and has no idea what she is saying, how hurtful it is, how it affects others, and really doesn't give a shit either. I am moving to his house next week. Making those plans now. I have to get out of here before someone gets critically injured or worse. That would be selfish of me, my loved family members would then suffer more then they already are being FORCED too suffer. I am in a dark place...

YAY!!!...Thou shalt not do any harm. What a great day...where's my meds?..Got em!. controlled breathing, looking at a photo of my kids, figuring out what to do with all this shit here now, thinking about packing things up, what to do with these trucks, how to get away from this fucking madness, insanity, trying to pick up the pieces again, wishing that I was a wizard like Harry Potter, I could then do some amazing things. BAAAHAHA!!!...calming down. Keep my sanity.

It's a wonderful life.

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Hey Chris I think your dad is right, she drinks she must have damaged the brain. Alcoholics mostly are awful people. I think they are so fucked up, they really do not know what they are saying. I went once to the party small one, and ladies start to gossip about my friend's son, about his drug habits, (just grass) and his relationship. They had not realized that I am close with his mom. I got upset and ask everyone of them about their children. some are real drug addicts, some were arrested few times. Some are simply sluts. Of course i am banned from this group but I told them their story. It was worth it! To see the frigging galloping eyes and see them blushing was something. People put attention on others, criticizing them, not to acknowledge their habits and wrongdoings

[Enduronman]

Hey Chris I think your dad is right, she drinks she must have damaged the brain. Alcoholics mostly are awful people. I think they are so fucked up, they really do not know what they are saying.

My Mother is now banned from my life, and so are all my children too.
I won't miss her, or this place in any way.
She can drown her sorrows all she wishes, I don't give a fuck anymore.

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Don't avoid the real pain, hurts inside by spending therapy time on someone else. Stay with the goal of releasing, healing, your own feelings. You've got some serious (Self) work to do.

What happened today is associative meaning the same thing happened 30 years ago (we can generalize it as abuse), and so forth. The important work is done with the emotions, the feelings and beliefs, not the actual events. They don't matter as much as how they make you feel, about you. (And to a larger extent how the abuse alters your overall perception about the world and others). Impacts do reach out in all directions. But the main work is within you, how you feel.

So you made the decision to move out I see. You do remember how to make firm decisions ! From now on, let your decisions all be in your best interests. We will call them 'healthy' decisions, where in the past they were destructive.

Just got in after a 6 hour trip to take my son back to his Mother.
What a drag in every way possible.
I won't see him again until December...(sigh)
Thank you for your words friend.
Therapy again tomorrow.
I will be in my room all day until then, avoiding the dumbass.
Maybe do some packing too. Need to get some boxes. Yay!!!

E-Man. :)

[Enduronman]

Good morning.

I can't stop replaying those idiotic sentences spoken to me by this person here, that is supposed to be my parent. She is obviously very sick and mentally disturbed.
For anyone to say those words as they were voiced, to a disabled son, or any person, is unforgivable and unforgettable. Verbal abuse, judgment, from a mentally deranged individual.
All because I told her, to shut the fuck up because everything that comes out of your mouth, is garbage. Emotional, verbal, vomit.
"You're a terrible parent and person".. "You make me sick".. "You are the reason that your daughters were failures".."You only need me around for money".."Your sister said that she loved me, but she didn't like me".."This is my house and I can say whatever I want".."You and I shouldn't talk at all".."You are to blame for everything that is wrong".."I wasn't raised the way that you raised your kids".....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.rrrrr.rrrrrr.r.rr.r. This person that spoke these words, is severely fucked up in all aspects and regard. There is brain damage. There are psychological issues.
It's too bad I can't throw this so called parent into a nursing home, like right fucking now! If I could, I surely would, with NO questions about it.
My son told me some things that she said to him when I took him home too. That she might just give this house to charity because I can't take care of it. What an idiot she is.
This was to be my house, my cars, my boats, and half of the money was to be mine too. That's how the will is written. That may change when I leave here. And at the moment, I don't give a fuck.
The Holidays should be interesting this year too, I won't be here, my children won't be here either. In fact, I think my nephew and his family are thinking about not attending also.
This sad, sadistic, bitch of a Mother can enjoy it all alone. Maybe that will make her feel better, less stressed, and she can drink 20 shots for all I fuckin care.
I've lost everything in my life, now I will lose a parent too. I was welcomed here at one time but I somehow apparently wore out my welcome, by laying quietly on a couch daily. Senseless.
She needs serious help. A doctor, some medications, and a team of fucking therapists too. Will she seek help? No. She'll just blame EVERYTHING on me. LMAO!!! YAY!!!
Going to have to get some boxes today, and figure out what to do with these two trucks sitting outside in the yard. My Dad has no room for them. Only room for me.
This was all supposed to be a challenge, a lesson, something that I was to learn and to go through, to make me a stronger person overall. I was to KNOW her, for what she really is.
When I go, I more then likely will stand a chance to lose $1,000.000.00. At this particular time at 647am on October 20th, 2014, I don't think I really give a shit either.
What the fuck does it really matter, in the Grand Scheme of things anyway. Maybe, she'll just give it all to charity. Hope it's a good one! Asshole! LOL!!
I'm not upset or sad, I'm pissed off and mad. If it were the 1800's, then I would deal with this in a manner consistent with the times....I don't know what happened? BAAHAAAHAAAAHA!!!!
I can hardly wait to see the Psych this evening, he may think I am going mad or losing it. Should be an interesting session to say the least. Write this shit down doc! :)

Have a splendid and spectacular day friends!

E-ready to lose it all-Man.. :)

[Enduronman]

I SO want to retaliate.....
Must resist the urge.
Must maintain.
Going to see doctor asap.

Enduronman.

[Enduronman]

Made an appointment to see the doctor, today..
Something about me, doesn't feel quite right.
I am teetering on the brink, of a major disaster.
A mental failure of sorts.
Hope everyone survives.

E-Man.

[Im-Suffering]

Made an appointment to see the doctor, today..
Something about me, doesn't feel quite right.
I am teetering on the brink, of a major disaster.
A mental failure of sorts.
Hope everyone survives.

E-Man.

nothing the doctor can do, period. you did not handle yourself correctly yesterday, and you feel it. we told you its all about you, no one else. we also mentioned in one of our posts in this thread that in all situation, all thoughts, all actions one should come from the following question in looking for answers or resolution:

what would love do now?

no exceptions, and that means no exceptions. even if you should come face to face with personified evil, which you believe is your mother.

and you have a fear of losing your inheritance which actually serves as a checks and balance because the threat of the loss forced you to rethink before you act. now that you seemingly threw caution to the wind, the thought of it stirs some emotions.

there is also the internal guilt of leaving your mother in her condition and moving out, without proper resolution for the hate is artificial and blinding.

in therapy today discuss how you can come from love. would love have handled anything differently? would love have spoken anything differently? would love have acted differently?

giving love is not dependent on receiving love.

today you are feeling violent emotions, when we say violent we use the term as turbulent, like a thunderstorm. your first instinct based on your chosen (and to an extent conditioned) methodology is to attack the body, and so the physical doctor is the obvious choice, but hardly the correct one.

keep up with the therapist, that is the direction for you long term.. we can't reach you here, my guides and I. so we won't be responding much more. just a reminder to you that we have left our posts here in this thread, if you should ever desire to go back and look. it may someday 'click'.

in today's therapy, release some anger, and frustration. also begin to recognize and discuss the idea of multiple personalities. that introduction will open avenues of healing not yet explored. suffering abuse at a specific point, you split in two. when the internal conflict becomes too demanding, you "just don't feel right". but you are unable to identify it.

please do not respond to this post. we do not know who we will get or what mask is worn today, you are not clear enough in your thinking. actually do the work.. there's plenty to do away from forums like this.

best regards

we will have no more here.

[Enduronman]

I am preparing to get the fuck out of here now.
I have been dizzy since yesterday, never felt dizzy before.
I actually cried a little while ago. I never cry.
My hands won't stop shaking.
My head won't stop moving.
My vision is blurry.
My stomach hurts.
My breathing is erratic.
Blood pressure is up.
I am falling off of the edge.
I am carrying my handgun today.
Doctor first, therapy second, then get the fuck away from here for the night.
All is well. Just trauma.
Be well.

Enduronman.

[Dahila]

Take benzo please, you have a panic attack Eman. I think this forum does not help you at all. Actually the opposite. You are gentle soul, and you need help no analyzing, on frigging public forum. Talk to therapist and doc, you need to take your xanax, unfortunately. Get well soon Ch:)

[Enduronman]

Take benzo please, you have a panic attack Eman. I think this forum does not help you at all. Actually the opposite. You are gentle soul, and you need help no analyzing, on frigging public forum. Talk to therapist and doc, you need to take your xanax, unfortunately. Get well soon Ch:)

Saw the doctor, she spent much time with me, a caring person.
She doubled my Xanax prescription. I will be taking 3mg per day now. For good reason.
I also got a new med called Latuda. An anti-psychotic. I need that now as well. I need to keep my balance, and keep my feet on the floor rather than up someone's ass at the moment.
I told her the story. She say's that Mother has serious psychological issues that are unresolved.
Say's to "Get the fuck out of your Mother's house tomorrow"....exactly as spoken.
Say's that everything that she said to me, is false, not true, and I am in fact a "good person" so don't let her bring me down to her levels.
Say's to pack up, get loaded, and tell Mom "I'm sorry if I hurt you or caused you any troubles, it wasn't my intentions. Be well and take care Mom. Goodbye"...
and walk the fuck out of here, with my head held high. She said "So you say that you're now losing a parent, but you already lost her decades ago anyway"...
Move out, move on, forget about it, the issues, leave it all in the past, live MY life the way that I wish too, and work on being happy and surround myself with positive people.
There is positive people at my next new address. They have NO psychological disorders, no drug abuse, no alcohol abuse, and NOT judgmental either. It will be like Heaven up there. Yay!!!
Hope you're doing well Dahl! Thinking of you my friend... :)

Enduron Man. :)

[Dahila]

oh dear how smart is your doc, she is decent. Yes take as much as you can and go, this is the best option. Whole day I was thinking about you and hoping something resolves...first of all leave behind your mom and then some people here on forum. Do what Dave did: ignore. You do not need to add to your stress, you need the support you give to countless others. Can I cast a spell to help you a tiny bit? :)
I do not pray :)

[Enduronman]

Can't you see I'm easily bothered by persistence....One step from lashing out at you.
What it takes, where I am, belong...
Re-
spect....
Walk.
What do you say...
Are you talking to me?
Is there no standards anymore?
Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me...
BAAAHHA!!! LMAO!.
Pantera....
Walk on home boy...

Best wishes.

E-Man. :)

[Enduronman]

oh dear how smart is your doc, she is decent. Yes take as much as you can and go, this is the best option. Whole day I was thinking about you and hoping something resolves...first of all leave behind your mom and then some people here on forum. Do what Dave did: ignore. You do not need to add to your stress, you need the support you give to countless others. Can I cast a spell to help you a tiny bit? :)
I do not pray :)

Dahl baby!!
I'm with my gf tonight.
The therapy session sucked ass...useless.
He acted as if he was in shock the whole time after hearing my Mother's words and behaviors, but, he did agree with the doctor to get the fuck out of there asap.
In fact, they both said to get out tomorrow, go to a shelter, or get into my Dad's house, before my parent is in danger...
I am making those plans now..YAY!!!
Give Mom a hug, and say later!! Take care!!!...:)

Blessings friend.

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Oh that's good Eman, I keep saying your name, just kick me for it. I am sure your dad takes your for a few days then you can make some arrangements. He is such warm and understanding person full of love, how come man like that end up with the monstrous woman?
Therapy usually ssuck they do not know enough, and when they know enough to help others they see not sense it it, and they are too old anyway :)) Good at least you have a night to calm down

[Enduronman]

Oh that's good Eman, I keep saying your name, just kick me for it. I am sure your dad takes your for a few days then you can make some arrangements. He is such warm and understanding person full of love, how come man like that end up with the monstrous woman?
Therapy usually ssuck they do not know enough, and when they know enough to help others they see not sense it it, and they are too old anyway :)) Good at least you have a night to calm down

Yes, my Dad is just the opposite of my other parent...but his house is only 800 sq ft!..grrr.
We will survive, and I will be with my daughter, and my other daughter is only 15 mins away. YES!!! YAY!!!
Trying to post a picture of something that my gf just took for me, it's funny!!.1467
Maybe it worked...my drug bag!!! LMAO!!! BAAHAAHAHA!!!
Everything that any one (addict) person would ever want...street value, 5k+ I'm sure..
Lots of awesome shit in there...you name it!.
I am calm, we are looking at homes now too. Newer ones as well!! Hell yes!.. YAYYYYYY!!!

E-Man. :)

[Dahila]

I want to sing " lalala my medi bag goes everywhere with me , my medi bag and :lalala:) You will survive you are the strongest man I know, you will be ok!!!

[Enduronman]

I want to sing " lalala my medi bag goes everywhere with me , my medi bag and :lalala:) You will survive you are the strongest man I know, you will be ok!!! ww

Now THAT was a pill bag Dahl! BAAHHAAHA!!!
I will start my new anti-psychotic tomorrow. Yippee!!
Blackened in the end, winter it will send, throwing all you see, into obscurity, death of mother earth, never a rebirth, evolutions end, never it will mend...never....LOL!!!
Sorry, just listening to some actual music tonight... relaxing. Much needed. Much appreciated.
I WILL be OK...

Hugs Dahl!

E-Man :)

[jessed03]

Just about to call my doctor now to discuss what we talked about. They hate dealing with it in this country, too much effort. Hopefully it will go smoothly. Like how I'm jacking your thread?
Yeaaaaaah! This is what happens when I don't get my own stickie! ;)

Good luck starting your new drug, man. I'm guessing you're starting it today, as your post was around midnight in Indiana time.

[Enduronman]

Just about to call my doctor now to discuss what we talked about. They hate dealing with it in this country, too much effort. Hopefully it will go smoothly. Like how I'm jacking your thread?
Yeaaaaaah! This is what happens when I don't get my own stickie! ;)

Good luck starting your new drug, man. I'm guessing you're starting it today, as your post was around midnight in Indiana time.

Jessie!

I also hope it goes smoothly for you too bruh. It really does help a lot, in many different ways.
You can thread jack whenever you want to man, we is tight son!
The doc said to take the med at 6pm. I'll probably just fall over, or at least that's what she's thinking anyway. LOL!
Have a great day friend.

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Well folks, I don't have much negative to report today! YAY!
Yesterday was busy, doctor, therapist, pick up double med doses, and some new meds too.
Then finally got to get out of that place and visited with my gf for the night, talk about looking at some new houses (yay) and some old ones too (boo)..Keep an open mind, I know.
Stayed up a little late, head feels like its filled with cotton balls, like a cotton headed ninny muggin. OMG!
Ankles aren't killing me yet this morning, that is usually the first thing that happens when I awake. Just the knees bothering me at the moment. That pain will arrive in time, I'm sure.
Nothing that a strong cup of coffee and an egg mcmuffin won't fix! When I am away from that place, I have an appetite, my stomach isn't cramping, I actually want to eat. Weird...
Going to my Dad's house around 10 to measure out the room, see how big of a bed I can get in there and if I can have a small sofa, chair, and desk in there.
I will need a desk for these computers! 2 desktops, 4 laptops, and a partridge in a pear tree...:)
Get to visit with an actual rational, sensible, logical, person too. My Dad, and my daughter is expecting me too. Surround myself with positive people the best that I can.
Get some boxes, start packing and loading, and give my Mom a hug a say "Sorry that it didn't work out, love you Mom, take care of yourself, bye!"...and walk away...
I am leaving and it may be as soon as tomorrow. Doctor's orders. "Get the fuck out of there".. exactly as spoken. I must agree, although I am still a little reluctant to do this.
As Mr. Suffering has pointed out to me, leaving there with unresolved issues may be my biggest concern. Thinking about whether she may fall down, drunk, and hurt herself when I'm not around.
Hardly doubt that the injuries will be life threatening and nothing that the hospital can't fix or mend, with time. She's already fallen down twice in the past year or so. Broken shoulder, broken hand.
But, she keeps doing the same things, over, and over again. I don't know how she can handle it, but, it is not for me to judge and it's not my life to live. Drink ALL you want too.
I must leave on good terms, and I think you all know why too. So she doesn't do something even more stupid and leave the home to charity because I can't mow or rake a friggin yard!
The doctor said to part ways kindly, but also said to ignore her at the Holidays too. To give her time to think about things, alone. Those were some harsh, tough, hateful, words to say to me.
The doctor also said to look at this like it's a blessing as she is getting worse, and I won't be stuck in the house with her in the winter months listening to Judge Retard on TV...less stress.
I look forward to my new journey, and think that everything will be fine too. Just another lesson in life, another challenge that I will overcome.
And, I will be closer to my daughters too. That in itself, is a part of this blessing. I miss them both dearly, and will see them soon to help them to cope with things.
Helping them, is a part of WHO I am as a person, and that character trait will not be broken or changed. I'm going to be a Grandfather again soon as well. A beautiful thing. Hope he has my eyes.
Enough of that, another new day and new outlooks and perspectives too. So far, so good.
Wishing you all the very best in overcoming whatever anxious symptom that you may be dealing with!
Blessing to you all... :)

Mr. Endure On Man. :)

[Im-Suffering]

The doctor said to part ways kindly, but also said to ignore her at the Holidays too.

I guess the doctor forgot who paid for medical school.

Mr. Endure On Man. :)

What would love do now? visit every so often, call to ask how things are going. don't get triggered, ask if help is needed. be kind, gentle, caring.

Mom will miss you when you move out. its not the end, but a beginning, do you see?

don't give and then ask for, give and let go.

its all working out now

best regards

[Enduronman]

What would love do now? visit every so often, call to ask how things are going. don't get triggered, ask if help is needed. be kind, gentle, caring.

Mom will miss you when you move out. its not the end, but a beginning, do you see?

don't give and then ask for, give and let go.

its all working out now

best regards

Yes, exactly as I will do. Thank you.
I will call and check in on her occasionally, I won't disown her over words spoken.
It is all working out now. For the better. Sure was tough though.
Be well Mr. Suffering!

E-Man. :)

[Enduronman]

Presently visiting my new place, it is much more relaxing.
I am also sitting in the same room, with my other parent, my Father.
I can not sit in the same room, with my Mother.
This is a quite pleasurable I must say.
We are also now making arrangements to have cable installed in my new room, and also in my daughters room too. To him, this isn't a big deal, to my Mother, it would be a HUGE ordeal.
I am going to like it here, very, very much...
Blessings friends!

E-Man :)

[meichmann]

Hey Dude,
Glad to see you are moving to a more relaxing environment. Trust me, it does wonders. My Mother In Law moved out this past January after living with us for 10 years. After she left, my anxiety and panic went waaayyy down. I hardly get anxious and my panic disorder is finally in check.

Over time you'll see a big difference. Take care of that little girl of yours too!

[Enduronman]

Hey Dude,
Glad to see you are moving to a more relaxing environment. Trust me, it does wonders. My Mother In Law moved out this past January after living with us for 10 years. After she left, my anxiety and panic went waaayyy down. I hardly get anxious and my panic disorder is finally in check.

Over time you'll see a big difference. Take care of that little girl of yours too!

Why thank you Meichmann! Very kind of you.
I have everything packed up, and ready to go now.
It feels soooooooooo good to be doing this, I feel great in fact.
She asked me where I was going? I told her to my Dad's, thanks for asking, and have a nice day! She just walked away...GOOD!!!
All I have to do now is load the car, and I'm out of this hell hole filled with negativity and pessimism forever...YEAH!!!!!
Hope I can fit it all in the car too. I should be able too.
Glad that your anxiety lowered once the Mother in Law was gone bruh!
Blessings, and have a great day too friend.

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

I am out of here!! YAY!!!...

A new journey begins...

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

.
She asked me where I was going? I told her to my Dad's, thanks for asking, and have a nice day! She just walked away...GOOD!!!.

E-Man :)

No.

'Its time for a change mom, and soon I will be buying a home with my gf anyway, I just feel in the short term its best for a change. I miss dad anyhow, so it'll be nice to catch up. I know your independent, but I'll always be here for you no matter where I am. Just call me and I'll be here. I'll visit soon, and call. I love you mom.'

Giving love is not dependent on if you receive. In that context its easier to thread the eye of a needle than enter the kingdom of heaven. Where heaven is love, compassion, empathy, and the eye of the needle the Trojan horse that appears to be the antithesis on the surface.

I am chipping away at you- the rough edges, you understand.

[Enduronman]

No.

'Its time for a change mom, and soon I will be buying a home with my gf anyway, I just feel in the short term its best for a change. I miss dad anyhow, so it'll be nice to catch up. I know your independent, but I'll always be here for you no matter where I am. Just call me and I'll be here. I'll visit soon, and call. I love you mom.'

Giving love is not dependent on if you receive. In that context its easier to thread the eye of a needle than enter the kingdom of heaven. Where heaven is love, compassion, empathy, and the eye of the needle the Trojan horse that appears to be the antithesis on the surface.

I am chipping away at you- the rough edges, you understand.

I said, "I'm sorry that things didn't work out for me here and I didn't mean to stress you out. It wasn't my intentions. I will be back to get these other computers at another time, my car is too full. Just let me know when a good time for that is. Be well, LOVE YOU and take care of yourself. See you again soon Mom."

Her reply, 'Just let me know how you are occasionally. I know how much pain your are in and that affects your attitude and that makes it hard on me by the way that YOU treat ME. I have only meant well. Take care of yourself. Plus, you'll be better off not having to listen to a Mother bitching at you all the time anyway. Love you son."

I woke up this morning, and my legs don't hurt. This is the first time, in 28 months, that they haven't been the first pains to arrive instantly. I am presently waiting on them. My back doesn't hurt yet either. I feel good, am having some coffee, and enjoying some time here with you. I don't know, but I feel different suddenly. I will be meeting a new Psych in my new area soon, transferring my prescriptions, getting a change of address, going to look for a new TV for my room, and also getting some paints to freshen up my gf's present home too. It's on the market and the first 2 reports were that it needed freshening up. That's what I did for 30 years prior to all this mess anyway. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm going to try anyway. Being on my feet and legs for a short time has always been a problem. We will see what happens. How long I can hold up. I don't know about being on my knees though, until I try later this afternoon. Should be interesting to say the least. I may not be able to get back up.

I left on good terms, feel good about that. I do love my Mother, just not the person that she was and became just by having me around laying on the couch. I wish her the best and hope that she doesn't stumble while drunk and break something else. She will be happier, with me gone. Just her, her vodka, and her dog. Probably what's best.

I was welcomed into my new home last night, new room, new bed, desk, chair, love seat, shelves, a closet, a giant blanket chest, 2 windows. It is nice, the atmosphere there is different. Relaxing, calm, peaceful. My daughter is there too. She is so excited! She is actually happy, cheerful, smiling. Something that she hasn't felt since she was forced out of my Mom's house in August. My other daughter is also very happy and excited too. She is just up the street from me now. In fact, she's coming over today to do some needed computer work online to get some insurance for her and the baby that she's now carrying.

The beginning of a new journey as my Father said last night while he gave me a hug and said I love you son.

All in all, this should be, a great thing for everyone involved. We will see.

Wishing you the very best friend! Enjoy this day....

Enduronman is enduring yet another trial... :)

[Im-Suffering]

Now indeed I smiled. Because we both know a secret don't we. Shhh...everything is gonna be OK.

Love you my brother.

[Dahila]

Eman, dear keep that feeling you have today , with you. Remember it. In the moment you need it, you have it , just closing the eye and recall the feeling. I am happy you feel so good, ;)

[Enduronman]

Doing great so far and wishing you all the very best! YAY!!

E-Man. :)

[Enduronman]

Well then..
By all intensive purposes, this place is fucking awesome.
We all were actually in the same room yesterday, myself, my Dad, and both daughters too.
There were no words of Judgment, criticism, negativity, pessimism, or discussions about money, who has it, or what should be done with it.
And, I got a new computer and a pistol from my oldest daughter as payment for living with me rent free for 3 months too.
My daughters were both happy to be here, happy to be with me again, and were in good spirits as well.
It's also hot as hell in here, when it was cold as hell at my Mother's house and I had to wear a winter hat, I'm sitting here with no shirt on now. Dad is always cold.
He told me that he will do all laundry on Saturdays, and I showed him my clothes basket and where it was. Fine with me!...LOL!!!!
On another note, my gf has her home on the market for sale. She's had 2 showings already and also 2 bad reports to go along with that. Those reports both include a dingy looking kitchen and bathroom area. Needing paint, floors, cabinets repainted, trim repainted. She was getting hopeless. Wondering if it was all worth it. Since I have left you know where, my legs move although they still bother me but just a little bit. My meds are now working, almost overnight. I am dizzy as hell, wobbly, but, I "feel" capable and able of doing certain things and one of those things is painting some interior rooms. Putting down some new floors. So, we made a trip to Lowes last night to get things together to make things happen at her home, today! My youngest daughter is going to help me too. I have many projects and tasks for her to do. She is and always was a hard worker as I had her help me on roofing projects before all this shit happened to me. She told me to wake her up early so we can go get things done. We'll see as to whether she actually gets up or not. It is 630 in the morning! BAAHAHA!!! Plus, if it gets to hard on me physically, then I can lay down and rest for a little while on the couch or in the chair with no repercussions from it. Should be an interesting day and week to say the least. I haven't actually worked since May 3rd of 2013.

Essentially, I've got everything that I need here. Including this bad ass desk that my computer is on complete with my own lamp too. Just need some cushions for this hard ass chair! Plenty of storage, an actual couch with foot stool, my stereo system fits, and I slept like a baby on my new bed although it was only for 6 hours then I was up and ready to go. The coffee here sucks, so I will be getting an actual coffee pot today too. Instant coffee is nasty! We're getting cable installed on Thursday so that I can at least watch some football games in here. Dad hates football. My daughter also brought me a pumpkin scented candle for my room too, very nice.

WOW! What a big difference in the world around me almost instantly. Glad that my doctor ordered me to get the fuck out of my Mom's house too. Because, I did it, the following day. I have instantly surrounded myself with positive, rational, realistic, people and I am feeling the effects of that very quickly too. My health has improved greatly, quickly, immediately. It makes me feel good. Also, bought my oldest daughter some groceries yesterday too, that made me feel good to be helpful considering that she has no money and no food. Not really a big deal, just something that made me feel good to be helpful. Maybe today, she'll do what I have asked her to do and apply for insurance and food stamps too. We'll see.

Getting ready to get this little girl up now. She isn't going to like me, but I don't give a shit, we've got things to do and as quickly as possible too. Must make my gf's house sell! ASAP!! That will give us $25,000 to play with in choosing another home, and may make things even that much more easier and better for everyone involved.

So far, all is going very very well. Finally!!! YAY!!! It's about time. And no more doctors visits until the 3rd. YEAH!!!

Wishing you all the very best today!
Thinking of you friends.

Mr. Enduronman :)

[jessed03]

By all intensive purposes, this place is fucking awesome.

Intents and purposes. It's pronounced intents and purposes, not intensive purposes. Da fuq is with you Americans!! It's like when you all say you could care less. Well if you could care less it means you care already. It's couldn't care less, and for all intents and purposes. Fuck James. You've just made me so mad you've ruined my day.

Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling more optimistic about things. It's amazing how people can adjust.

I had to go have more blood work done yesterday. Nurse kept missing the vein. Wtf? Reminded me I have mad respect for you having gone through all the treatments you have done.

Take it easy bro!

[Ryker]

I quite like 'by all intensive purposes' - I'm going to try and use it at some point today.

[Im-Suffering]

Excellent Chris!!

Jesse, 2 jabs and that's it. Then they must get another nurse or the Doc to take over. No fishing in your arm, and should be no pain. They are aware of the 2 jab rule, but....well..

Edit: 2 jab rule is USA. Not sure elsewhere.

Also request a butterfly needle, (children's) and a good threat always helps " listen one drop of pain, and your going through the wall over there". I found that most effective.

Look, for all intensive purposes, I could care less. :)

[Dahila]

Well I had more than 25 jabs, here we have no rule. Some people included I are difficult to find the vein. I found a small laboratory close to home that one jab is enough. Nurses are awesome in this place. Jesse you need to find someone who knows what she/he is doing:)

[jessed03]

Excellent Chris!!

Jesse, 2 jabs and that's it. Then they must get another nurse or the Doc to take over. No fishing in your arm, and should be no pain. They are aware of the 2 jab rule, but....well..

Edit: 2 jab rule is USA. Not sure elsewhere.

Also request a butterfly needle, (children's) and a good threat always helps " listen one drop of pain, and your going through the wall over there". I found that most effective.

Look, for all intensive purposes, I could care less. :)

Haha!

She was a super sweet phlebot but I don't think she was focusing. I'll keep the 2 jab rule in mind next time. My arm feels like a junky's must feel today. At least the job was done. Even if we don't have it here, I'll say it after the first miss to get 'em to focus.

[Enduronman]

Had a spectacular day!
Actually worked at my gf's house to get the kitchen and bath looking great.
My youngest daughter helped me out too. She plans to come and work with me again tomorrow.
That place is looking friggin awesome, and my gf is extremely happy with it too.
It WILL make the home more appealing to potential buyers in a couple of days work.
Thinking of you all! Wishing you the best too....:)
Blessings. :)

E-Man :)

[Enduronman]

Forgot to say hello to Dahl and The J-Man!

Got a backache today, I pushed myself way too hard yesterday. Should be an interesting day to say the least. At least I'm working at my gf's house, so expectations aren't real high. Hopefully, I can at least get the kitchen done then call it a day. Just have some painting and caulking to do essentially. Plus, my youngest daughter will be helping me too just in case I can't get up. May be a short day.

Other than that, everything is going very, very well. I love my new place. It's comfortable, nice, relaxing, no Judgment, no drunkenness, no drama, no stupid shit. I told my Dad that I was going to go buy a coffee pot because instant coffee sucks ass, he went out and bought one for me. He's quite a person, Father, parent, man. Very helpful and kind. The house is also warm too. Mom's house was fuggin freezing! And, I don't have to listen to Judge Dumbfuck on TV either. I have a TV and cable in my own room. This is a dream! My daughter is doing very well here also. Things are finally looking up. Now, if I could just win that stupid ongoing case for disability, then I'd be set. Hoping!

Thinking of all you AF'ers and wishing you all a blessed day!

Take care, things DO get better over time.

Mr. Enduring Man. :)

[Dahila]

I am happy you still feeling good; mentally, Physically it is a different story my friend. I always think I will do so much and then pay with pain :) Crazy people do crazy staff:))) rest and tomorrow will be another day :)

[Im-Suffering]

Physically it is a different story my friend. I always think I will do so much and then pay with pain

Watch the beliefs when you are dealing with Chris, he is vulnerable during this mental transition. Your statement above in itself can cause the pain. During or after any movement, if he believes you. The body is 'limbering up', oiling the rusty gears, if you will. And preparing for mobility.

And no, I'm not talking behind your back Chis- I will address you now:

Chris, watch the negative talk about your mother, there is no jest. Out of the heart the tongue speaks. You do not have to justify the current conditions by bashing the previous. Read your post above Dahilas.

Enjoy what you have created as you bless what you left behind, and bless your mother with love all-ways. And that includes your posts, your conversations (especially with family), your thoughts, your feelings.. Do you listen to me Chris? In therapy, discuss ways and openings to release, heal and proceed. Now to an extent the bashing is therapeutic and will always lead back to love, if you understand its purpose. But not to bash continually for the sake of it. That's just a hurt child.

It is not OK to mob together and hold a bashing ceremony. Even if your doctor and everyone here were invited. Use the anger as impetus for change (as you have done), not in tearing down another.

STOP when you catch yourself doing it. And lastly, do not refer to the disability case as 'stupid', unless you want a prolonged idiotic experience. Decide for it to be resolved.

And Dahila, no reason to come back at me in defense, I know your intent is good. Watch the power of words.

[Enduronman]

I listen to you dear friend.
Had yet another spectacular day working down here at my gf's house.
My daughter came with me at 830 am.
She IS an excellent painter, can cut a neat trim line very nicely.
I am actually having "fun" but of course I am drugged up too. BUT, it looks great!
These things will help this home to sell, so that we can get our 5bdrm dreamhome (hopefully newer!)
Going to look at 4 houses early in the morning. Should be an interesting day.
Thinking of you all! Wishing you the best that life has to offer.
Take care, be well, and I will be back shortly or if not tonight then after our home showings.

Enduronman.... :)

YAY!!!

[Dahila]

I am suffering Chris knows very well how much older i am than he is. I am vulnerable due the age. Please do not make a child of my friend. He is able to decide for himself. I am disappointed in you IMS, I really am. I am sorry you need the need to interpret the words for others.............. We are not your children.
Everything is good. Eman I hope you feel better.
Should I stop posting here too?

[Enduronman]

Everything is good. Eman I hope you feel better.

Mr. Suffering has many valuable things to say, I do like his style. He doesn't offend or bother me.
I am doing great and actually worked for 11 hours yesterday on my gf's house too. Having a great time! And it looks perfect too.
She is very happy with the final outcome. She will get an offer on this place, I hope she's ready for that.
We are going to look at 4 houses this morning. One has 5bdrms and 3 baths too! YAY!!!! And it's newer!!!! Double YAY!!!
Then, I will return to finish some things that I have started. My daughter is going to come down and so some painting for me. An excellent painter. Steady handed. And, make some money too.
Dahl, you post here all that you want too friend, You're one of my special friends. My favorite friend. And, I love you for who you are too.
Heading off to McDs this morning for some breakfast. That should help to get me going on some things and prepare for wandering through houses too.
Wishing you the best that this day has to bring friends! My day will be spectacular.
Blessings to you.. :)

E-Man.. :)

[jessed03]

McD's? You not on your diet any more, big guy?

Have a nice day enviro man ;)

[Enduronman]

McD's? You not on your diet any more, big guy?

Have a nice day enviro man ;)

I'm addicted to egg Mcmuffins bruh! I know, sad...
Love ya bruh!
Have an awesome day!

E-Man. :)

[Enduronman]

Got up at 130am, not sure why but I went back to work on this Old House.
It's looking great, and I'm actually having a pretty good time in between all the pains but all in all, doing ok.
Wishing you all a great day!

Enduronman :)

[Dahila]

Working , it is your medicine Eman::)

[Enduronman]

Worked on the house for 13 hours!
I'm sore as hell.
I went to bed before 8pm last night though, and am ready for another day.
SOOOOOO nice to be away from my Mom's house. Its amazing how your environment can impact you in a negative way.
Getting a lot of shit done, looking good, and her realtor came over and asked her to have an open house! LMAO!!
This place is going to sell now, hope she's ready to make an offer on something else BIGGER!!
AND, something that doesn't need this much work too...I couldn't handle anymore. It feels like I've been hit by a truck. Something newer PLEASE!!!!
Wishing you all a spectacular day ahead!
Blessings.

Enduronman :)

[Enduronman]

Another day!
Going back down to my gf's house to hopefully rap things up.
She is very excited, and it is looking really, really nice too.
Hope she's ready to sell it now!! Open house coming up soon!!.
Thinking of you all. Wishing you the best.
Have a great day friends!
(Gawd am I sore today)...grrrr

Be well.

Enduronman. :)

[Dahila]

Eman take it easy. I know that is like someone opened the cage, you can not have enough, rest so you do get sore even more. Hehehe it is like when I have time to go to garden and the weather cooperate. I push myself to limits, and pay with the pain. Slower we can do more. I am happy about all changes in your life Eman:)) Hopefully the application for disability is going to be accepted and everything is going to be ok:))

[Enduronman]

Sore as hell from working down at my gf's house, but its all worth it. She has a showing tomorrow, and I will be done today too! I've been taking a lot of painkillers to get me through this but she wouldn't hire anyone else, and they would have screwed it all up anyway then I would have had to look at it and listen to how badly it looked too. I chose to do it myself. Even though I can hardly move. My daughter has been helping me out too. Its nice to have her around and she's a hell of a good painter too.

Life here is peaceful. Way different then where I was. I can actually relax, eat, no stomach ache, no drunkenness, no stupid shit words. I love it!! YAY!!!

Hope everyone is doing well. Happy Halloween! LMAO!!!

Have a great day all.

Enduronman :)

[JustaGal]

Sore as hell from working down at my gf's house, but its all worth it. She has a showing tomorrow, and I will be done today too! I've been taking a lot of painkillers to get me through this but she wouldn't hire anyone else, and they would have screwed it all up anyway then I would have had to look at it and listen to how badly it looked too. I chose to do it myself. Even though I can hardly move. My daughter has been helping me out too. Its nice to have her around and she's a hell of a good painter too.

Life here is peaceful. Way different then where I was. I can actually relax, eat, no stomach ache, no drunkenness, no stupid shit words. I love it!! YAY!!!

Hope everyone is doing well. Happy Halloween! LMAO!!!

Have a great day all.

Enduronman :)

That is awesome! Glad you are in a peaceful home!

[Enduronman]

Yes, I am in a more peaceful place. My Dad is way more sensible and easier to deal with. Helpful too. Once I got out of my Mom's house, my stomach aches, tremors, went away. She was obviously the cause of many of my health problems. I haven't spoken to her since I left, and I'm fine with that too. She hasn't called either. We usually go over there for Christmas Eve, but none of us want to go around there this year because of how hateful she is and has been to everyone. Not sure how we are going to deal with that yet. My Dad doesn't want to go either. And there are also some Thanksgiving issues this year now too. Not real sure about the holidays.

I am sore as hell. I did a lot of painting at my gf's house over the past few weeks with the help of my kids. They were a real help to me. Good workers, and my daughter is a great painter too. I worked doing that kind of work for 30 years with other guys that couldn't paint as well as an 18 year old. She did a great job. We repainted the kitchen, bath, hall, living room, and the entire basement. Which is why I can't move now of course. My hands are swollen. For all those Doctors that say to be active, do some light work, exercise, move around, you're a bunch of idiots! LOL! Going to rub on some more pain cream and take some more pain meds. I may have over did it. But, the house may finally sell now too. It looks awesome now.

I haven't even had time to get on here and say hello to you all. Hope that you're all doing well. I will just be relaxing for the weekend. There is a house showing today and an open house tomorrow. Then we will see what else we have to do then. Not sure that I can do anymore! She needed two more rooms painted but OMG!! I hope not..

Have a great day!

Enduronman. :)

[Dahila]

Emaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan I missed you, my friend, happy to hear that the painting is almost done:))) You are in pain but the accomplishment is huge :)))Extra benefit of that is bonding back with the girls:)

[Im-Suffering]

Yes, I am in a more peaceful place. My Dad is way more sensible and easier to deal with. Helpful too. Once I got out of my Mom's house, my stomach aches, tremors, went away. She was obviously the cause of many of my health problems. I haven't spoken to her since I left, and I'm fine with that too. She hasn't called either. We usually go over there for Christmas Eve, but none of us want to go around there this year because of how hateful she is and has been to everyone. Not sure how we are going to deal with that yet. My Dad doesn't want to go either. And there are also some Thanksgiving issues this year now too. Not real sure about the holidays.

Im being told (compelled) to tell you to call your mom (and do so every week or two). Things will work out then for the holidays and the future.

You will understand.

[Enduronman]

Im being told (compelled) to tell you to call your mom (and do so every week or two). Things will work out then for the holidays and the future.

You will understand.

GRRR...
You're probably right. And, she probably doesn't even know "how" she actually is as a person either with all that vodka.
I reaaaalllllllyyyyy don't want to call her though. No one really wants to see or talk to her.
I probably will at some point soon, just to say hello I guess. (even though I don't want too!!!).
It's 9 degrees here today. Wind chill -8. Welcome to winter! LOL!
I can finally move my hands a little better, was able to fix the heat in my daughters car yesterday too. She has heat! LMAO!! Heat is nice.
May even go back down to my gf's house and do some more painting in some bedrooms, but not decided yet. It NEEDS to be done, just not sure if I should push it.
Thank you for your advice Mr. I'm Suffering. Always appreciated, and yes I understand too. Your logic.
Have a great day friend!

Enduronman :)

[Im-Suffering]

GRRR...
You're probably right. And, she probably doesn't even know "how" she actually is as a person either with all that vodka.
I reaaaalllllllyyyyy don't want to call her though. No one really wants to see or talk to her.
I probably will at some point soon, just to say hello I guess. (even though I don't want too!!!).
It's 9 degrees here today. Wind chill -8. Welcome to winter! LOL!
I can finally move my hands a little better, was able to fix the heat in my daughters car yesterday too. She has heat! LMAO!! Heat is nice.
May even go back down to my gf's house and do some more painting in some bedrooms, but not decided yet. It NEEDS to be done, just not sure if I should push it.
Thank you for your advice Mr. I'm Suffering. Always appreciated, and yes I understand too. Your logic.
Have a great day friend!

Enduronman :)

Briefly if I may in regards to the house,

The house will sell when a decision has been made to sell it. The painting can be compared to a rain dance, for dramatic effect. Now, this can go on for some time, "what shall we do next, its not selling". This is symbolic of how people live life.

It is true that people see what they want to see, thus the house can sell at 'any time'. you have co-beliefs with the GF and family members here, so you are creating the reality together.

Of course there are enjoyable aspects, such as proving to self you could still move the body and work to an extent, sharing the experience with family as they pitch in to help, and keeping the mind busy with how much more you would get after improvements. So many things are going on at once.

I wanted to tell you, that you didn't have to play 'the open house' game. Its all a game. I am showing you how you create your reality, individually, and in this case en mass. So you will be more aware of your life and what you do. (and think)

If the house does not sell timely, it is not the physical house that protests, but the conflicts between the sellers beliefs, plus what is actually wanted, desired.....And then comes the thoughts "why is it not selling" "what shall we do next" "whats going on", and you see, my dear friend, you create your reality.

The physical landscaping reflects the mental landscape. Sort out where you will go once it sells, you see. When you are creating together, you must iron out your differences. Will you invest in an old house or new, what will you do, any conflict will delay. It can be said that if the current project was just a foundation, no walls, and a bathtub sitting in the middle of it, but your beliefs were working in perfect harmony (and a decision was made), it would sell in a day, for more than its worth, period.

Now this is more of a lesson of sorts, using the analogy of the house. It has been fun, no?

Homework (yes Im being cute) : think about the word 'decision', what does it really mean? For example, sitting at home you decide you need milk. Do you say "Oh NO ! What will become of me" "can I afford it" "I do not deserve milk" "Milk is associated with trauma"....

No, you simply get up, drive and get your milk :). Now, several minutes later you are magically holding your milk carton, you see, you created that, using the process intended for mankind. How simple was that creation/decision, when false beliefs were not involved.

A decision backed by clear beliefs is powerful indeed and can move mountains. Reflecting on your life you can make the connection when things went smoothly, and when there were bumps in the road.

This was the hidden parable from the quote "If ye should have the faith of a mustard seed, you could move that mountain over there" Jesus was a mystic, you see. revealing universal truths only to those who could interpret them. Whether you or anyone reading this believes in Him is not the purpose here. So set that aside for the lesson revealed.

Cya later.

[Enduronman]

I have been working down at her house, repainted her Son's room. Put down some new trims at the floor to cover a shitty paint job. It gave me something to do.
It looks a lot better, nice in fact. Not sloppy. Chose a really nice color, repainted all the trims. I can't move, but it was fun, occupied my mind, sense of accomplishment.
Thank God for pain killers! It feels like my hands were ran over by a car. BUT, I did it to myself. Trying to work, to make it "look" better.
Going to go down there today and paint some windows. Easy work. Not difficult. Or strenuous. Seems like a good day for that.
I DID send my Mother an email. She replied. I didn't want to send it. I did.
We aren't going to spend Thanksgiving with her. My cousin cancelled the Thanksgiving plan because everyone else has something else to do.
That's FINE with me, my Dad, my daughters, none of us want to be around "you know who?"....LOL!!!
We will just spend that time together, with people we love, respect, admire....I like that.
Not sure about Christmas yet but do NOT want to go to my Mothers house. NO ONE does....
We will just make our own Christmas I think. Maybe have a dinner here, without that person. Pain in the fuggin ass person.
Done talking about her. Going to have a good day, AND my daughters baby is due on December 16th too so we will have a Christmas baby!!! YAY!!!!!
I am excited about that. Looking forward to it. I think its great!!
Have a good day friends.
Thinking of you all.

Enduronman :)

[Enduronman]

It's A Wonderful Life!
Thanksgiving is just around the corner too.
Going to spend it with my Dad, and daughters.
Something simple. Something nice. Something relaxing.
Much to be thankful for.
And a new baby coming soon. SO cool!
60 degrees and rainy here. I'll take it! At least we didn't get 8' of snow.
Thinking of you all! Hope that all is well.
Have an awesome day friends.

Enduronman. :)

[Dahila]

Same weather as in your place, overcast is still Sunday so it is good:)) We got the floor for lower level and tiles for bathroom:)

[javiergraciafdez]

ANXIETY, Somebody help me!! Author: Sara Burillo.
EXCELLENT!!! Fully Recommended! This book saved me... What book saved you? :)

[Dahila]

ot little spammer;))))))))))

[Enduronman]

Mind over matter...
Hey Dahl! Good to see you here!
Going to do some more painting today. My daughter is going to help me, thank God.
ALSO, my gf got an offer on her house! Full price! Only problem, he wants possession by Dec 19th! She will be moving into an apt for now, near the holidays, in the winter.
ALL the painting work paid off. He loved all the colors, the cleanliness, the sharpness of every room.
I just wish I would have known this BEFORE we started painting her room. I had the windows done and the wall damage repaired, then she told me that it sold...grrrr...
I could hardly move yesterday. That's why daughter MUST help me finish this room today. Hopefully about 4 or 5 hours, and then all the work in this place is done.
I need a long break. Time to rest and relax. Recover. Lay around for awhile. The house pushed me to do things that I generally can't. But, it SOLD...
Everything seems to be going ok. My Dad is doing well. My daughter is expecting the baby in a few weeks. My other daughter is staying away from drugs. My son is coming up soon too. Haven't heard from my Mom, that's ok with me.
Just going to be a relaxing Thanksgiving for us all I think.
Have a great day all! Make the best of it...
Thinking of you.
Blessings.

Enduronman :)

[Im-Suffering]

Mind over matter...
Hey Dahl! Good to see you here!
Going to do some more painting today. My daughter is going to help me, thank God.
ALSO, my gf got an offer on her house! Full price! Only problem, he wants possession by Dec 19th! She will be moving into an apt for now, near the holidays, in the winter.
ALL the painting work paid off. He loved all the colors, the cleanliness, the sharpness of every room.
I just wish I would have known this BEFORE we started painting her room. I had the windows done and the wall damage repaired, then she told me that it sold...grrrr...
I could hardly move yesterday. That's why daughter MUST help me finish this room today. Hopefully about 4 or 5 hours, and then all the work in this place is done.
I need a long break. Time to rest and relax. Recover. Lay around for awhile. The house pushed me to do things that I generally can't. But, it SOLD...
Everything seems to be going ok. My Dad is doing well. My daughter is expecting the baby in a few weeks. My other daughter is staying away from drugs. My son is coming up soon too. Haven't heard from my Mom, that's ok with me.
Just going to be a relaxing Thanksgiving for us all I think.
Have a great day all! Make the best of it...
Thinking of you.
Blessings.

Enduronman :)

Well, waddya know....** smiling** (all of it) .......except for this :

"Haven't heard from my Mom, that's ok with me"

Geez your a hard nut to crack (and so is mom, you see). It can't be ok, its your mom. One day when you are ready, you will face those feelings and let them out. This is a big part of your healing, spiritually and physically. "when" you are ready.

For now, call her on thanksgiving. :) you understand.

I am happy for you.

[Enduronman]

Yes, House is SOLD!...full price.
She's looking at apts today. No time to find and buy a house before the 19th.
She will make out well will the deal. Have some money to put down on another one.
We're also talking about doing some house flips too. Buy some that need work, then do it in a 3 month time frame, not 30 days like with this one!
I can hardly friggin move. My daughter helped me yesterday to get the LAST room in her house done. There is nothing left to do except make sure the outside will pass an inspection. Like, no paint, caulk missing, maybe a screen ripped, stupid stuff that will cause an inspector to flag things. ALL easy fixes. Not difficult or strenuous. YAY!!
Plus, its 40 degrees here today. A good day to deal with things like that. I don't want to be trying to fix stupid things when its 12 degrees and snowing!
She's happy (my gf). Everyone else is happy too. My daughter was a huge help yesterday by painting the floor trims. I couldn't get down there.
She actually worked for 5 solid hours! And, earned enough money to get her OWN boots for winter time that she wanted. We would have had to buy them, she did it herself.
She was at the mall at 9pm! I hate the mall. She loves the mall. Go figure...Girls and malls. LMAO!!...
YES, I will call my friggin Mom tomorrow and wish her a happy Thanksgiving. Geeze. That should be easy. I can fake it for a few minutes, on a phone.
I think we're just going to have a dinner here. Just me, Dad, daughters, muffins, coffee, simple...Give thanks for what we have even if its nothing.
Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving holiday Mr. I'm Suffering! And all of my other friends too. Thinking of you all. Wishing you the best.
Have a great day and be well.
Blessings to you and yours!

Enduronman... (Chris) LOL!! :)

[Enduronman]

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
Going to be a great day with family.
We're going to a free holiday dinner, with donations of course.
No working on anything! Just rest, relax, sit around, and enjoy.
Wishing you all the best.

Enduronman :)

[Dahila]

Great news Chris, happy turkey day :))

[Im-Suffering]

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday :)

[Joe.]

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday :)

This is really a guess, but do you get your views from Jane Roberts?
I was intrigued by that quote and wondered who wrote it.

[Im-Suffering]

This is really a guess, but do you get your views from Jane Roberts? (Seth)
I was intrigued by that quote and wondered who wrote it.

Yes. You could say that :)

Theres more to the quote :

"When you get to the point that you realize you are forming your day-to-day existence and the life that you know, then you can begin to alter your own mental and psychic patterns, and therefore change your daily environment…. The entire structure of your existence will begin to change with these realizations" - Seth

And a bit on reality that may interest you :

Physical objects cannot exist unless they exist in a definite perspective and space continuum. But each individual creates his own space continuum . . . Each individual actually creates an entirely different object, which his own physical senses then perceive.” (And he clarifies this while talking to Jane and Rob and a guest): “Each of the three of you creates your own glass, in your own personal perspective. Therefore you have three different physical glasses here, but each one exists in an entirely different space continuum. (referencing a glass on the coffee table)

"Matter is continually created, but no particular object is in itself continuous. There is not…one physical object that deteriorates with age. There are instead continuous creations of psychic energy into a physical pattern that appears to hold a more or less rigid appearance.” And with each creation the object changes, because action is change. And in a camouflage reality based on the root assumption of time, that very gradual change looks like aging and wear, in order to reinforce the camouflage idea of time"

According to Seth, a complete reality is refreshed millions of times a second, as, or because, each action terminates the previous one. So millions of times a second everything we can see and touch is replaced with a new version of everything we can see and touch, including our bodies. And, an important point, each new action is different than the previously terminated one, because no action can be identical to another one. Remember, action is creation, and each creation by All That Is is unique. And that is how change happens.

:) enjoy !

[Joe.]

Yes. You could say that :)

Ah, my brother is very into all that.

Will have a look into it all.

[Joe.]

Yes. You could say that :)

Theres more to the quote :

"When you get to the point that you realize you are forming your day-to-day existence and the life that you know, then you can begin to alter your own mental and psychic patterns, and therefore change your daily environment…. The entire structure of your existence will begin to change with these realizations" - Seth

And a bit on reality that may interest you :

Physical objects cannot exist unless they exist in a definite perspective and space continuum. But each individual creates his own space continuum . . . Each individual actually creates an entirely different object, which his own physical senses then perceive.” (And he clarifies this while talking to Jane and Rob and a guest): “Each of the three of you creates your own glass, in your own personal perspective. Therefore you have three different physical glasses here, but each one exists in an entirely different space continuum. (referencing a glass on the coffee table)

"Matter is continually created, but no particular object is in itself continuous. There is not…one physical object that deteriorates with age. There are instead continuous creations of psychic energy into a physical pattern that appears to hold a more or less rigid appearance.” And with each creation the object changes, because action is change. And in a camouflage reality based on the root assumption of time, that very gradual change looks like aging and wear, in order to reinforce the camouflage idea of time"

According to Seth, a complete reality is refreshed millions of times a second, as, or because, each action terminates the previous one. So millions of times a second everything we can see and touch is replaced with a new version of everything we can see and touch, including our bodies. And, an important point, each new action is different than the previously terminated one, because no action can be identical to another one. Remember, action is creation, and each creation by All That Is is unique. And that is how change happens.

:) enjoy !

Very interesting!

[Enduronman]

Hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving!
We all made it through, had a good dinner. Gave thanks.
Then, went back to work on the house. It is now 100% done and being appraised today.
She also gets the keys to her new apt today too. Its actually big enough now. 3bds, 2baths,..nice!
I can't move. But, I don't really need to at the moment. Just relaxing, recovering, healing from a month of work that I have no idea how I did.
And go see the Doc today too. Get some pain meds. Talk about how things are now. They're better. At least, in my mind anyway.
Not taking any anti psychotics!. YAY!!!
Hope everyone has a great day and upcoming week too.
Blessings.

E-Man :)

[Dahila]

Eman what do you recommend for shakes? I am happy you feeling good. The best part of that is you do not take anti psychotic :))))))))

[Enduronman]

Hey Dahl. When I had tremors really badly the doctor put me on propranolol. It seemed to work very well.
Then, I moved out of my other parents home and the tremors went away. Stomach cramps went away.
I went back to see the doc yesterday. Still in pain. She gave me some stronger pain meds. They actually worked last night so I think I finally got some sleep. YAY!
I'm up way too early however. They wore off. Its about 6am here. I didn't know that they even had any stronger pain meds. Guess so!
My daughter is actually up now so we're going shopping. YAY!! I can only shop in the mornings...BAAAHA!!
Have a great day all!

Enduronman :)

[Dahila]

Eman I asked for shakes as smoothies;))) I am happy you are better. A lot of your problems is caused by too much stress. yOu body is desperate for peace and quiet. I got this cool cup with the ball inside and I need to replace at least one meal with something.

[Enduronman]

BAAAHAHA!!! SHakes for smoothies! I thought you were referring to tremors.
I never made any smoothies. I generally just always used those meal replacement shakes that are pre-made.
I suppose you could use anything, any kind of fruit, vegetable that you like.
These new pain killers are friggin awesome though! Oxy 15mg HCL....man, they actually do something!
My legs aren't on fire right now. And, they weren't killing me yesterday either. They've been sore for 2 1/2 years!
I'm going to enjoy it while they're working. Doc said that I would build up a tolerance to the dosage and then we'll just increase them.
Finally got the keys to the new apartment last night too. Pretty cool! I think it will be a great thing for my gf to finally have her own room.
She's been sleeping on a couch for 6 years! Now, she'll have her own room, own bed, own bath area...WOW!!..YAY!!!
Going to see my oldest daughter today, and take her a carpet cleaning machine too. The baby is due in 14 days. Gotta have clean floors for him/her to play on!
Hope that you have a great day friend. Thinking of you.
Blessings!

Enduronman :)

[Enduronman]

Hope everyone is having a great day!
I am now officially old. Born on this day, 47 years ago. LOL!
I am now also enjoying the peace, quiet, relaxation, of sitting in a comfy chair, feet up, numb. Awesome!
Meds are actually helping. Weird. Still can hardly move but, I'm not so sure that I even want to anyway.
House inspection done. Everything fixed that was on it. Appraisal done. Everything fine. Going to close this deal in a few days and be gone.
Have money for Christmas (weird) have a new place, have a new Grandchild, have another cup of coffee, and have a spaghetti dinner tonight too. With cake. Yum!
I'll make a wish...World Peace. LMAO!! Well, maybe not that. Wish for good health! A new car! or, just another piece of cake instead.
Wishing you all a spectacular day!
Blessings too....

Enduronman :)

[JohnC]

Happy birthday Eman, Have a chunk of cake for me. World peace, lol.

[Enduronman]

Thank you brother John!
Had a pretty good B-day. Quiet. No drama. That makes for a good day.
Had my favorite dinner, and cake too. Then, passed out from all the carbs. LOL!
Everything is going pretty well around here. Peaceful. Relaxing.
Closing on the house on the 19th. Moving on the 20th. Got a plan together.
The kids will be lifting the heavy stuff. Not me. I'll just be helping out with the light stuff in boxes. And driving the truck. Easy enough!
Just thankful that I'm not on the east or west coast right now. Nothing going on around here! Nice out. 45 degrees, sunny. No floods. No 2' of snow...YAY!
Maybe we'll get some snow before Christmas, a few inches would be awesome. Take these kids out sledding or something. A white Christmas is my wish. baaha!!
Have a great day friend!
Blessings to all.

Enduronman :)

[JohnC]

You're more than welcome. No drama! oh how i long for that

[meichmann]

Happy belated birthday Eman! Hope you had a enjoyable day! And you aren't old. There are people on this forum older than you (points to himself). :P

[Enduronman]

Thanks brothers!
Well, my daughter had the baby on the 13th too. A baby girl. 7lbs, healthy, happy, and now home too.
I finally got to see her yesterday, she had some lung issues when she was born but all clear now. She's really calm and content too. My daughter got lucky!
I get to go to Walmart today and pick out a new diaper bag, this should be fun! LOL! With compartments, and NOT pink, according to the father.
My gf finally closed the deal on her house last night as well. Everything went fine. Getting ready to go move boxes today. That should be a load of fun too.
Also picking up a car for my dad for Christmas. A Honda Accord. It's got a blown engine but I know a good mechanic so I'm getting it fixed for him. Parts are already sitting here too.
He asked me what was in that box after I picked it up last night from the post office, I can't tell you. It's your Christmas present! BAAHA!!
It's amazing how quickly they can ship things across the country. It took (1) day from California. I guess that's what an extra $35 gets you! Here's your stuff!
Hope that all works out and the mechanic can have it done by Christmas day. Going to put it out front by the mailbox with a big bow on it. Dad's first stop, mailbox for the paper.
Holy shit? A car? BAAAAHAAHA!! We can hardly wait to see the look on his face and hear what he has to say. It may be the first time that we've heard him say WTF?
Then, off to Louisville tomorrow to pick up my son for the Holidays. Definitely a lot of things going on around here. Hope I can keep myself together for it!
Everything else is pretty much the same. Pain, soreness, good pills, some relief, then some good pills again. Same old shit, different day.
We ARE expecting some snow for Christmas, so that'll be cool. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...:)
Wishing you all a great day and hopes for some memorable Holidays too!
Blessings friends....

Enduronman :)

[Dahila]

wow a lot happens in your life, and everything good. Congratulation Grandpa!!! the xmas gifts awesome. I got mine already is home made but it is what I wanted. The size exactly right :))1497149814991500

[Enduronman]

Made it through the Holiday. Christmas. Phew!
The car was and still is a huge hit, we got him on video too.
We even put full coverage insurance on it yesterday too, its that nice.
My mechanic worked his ass off to get this done for me. I rewarded him nicely, and took him gifts too.
He is still so excited about it that he's having trouble sleeping. That will pass in time though.
1503
That's his car. Nothing fancy, but way better mechanically and way nicer cosmetically too. It only has 126,000 miles on it, and the original owners were in Texas. (no road salt, no rust).
My kids were also very happy too. They all got what they wanted. Christmas Eve was spectacular, special. Christmas Day, I was a slug and did nothing.
My Granddaughter is still in the hospital, under developed lungs and she wasn't gaining weight properly but they say she is recovering and may be coming home this week too.
My Son is here until this Saturday then he returns to KY with his Mother. I know, I could hardly sleep last night because of that. Thinking about him having to leave again, for a long time.
My gf is still unpacking things at her new apt. She still has a lot of work to do to make it home. But she said last night that she's much more comfortable and relaxed there too.
Saw my doctor again yesterday, she put me on stronger pain killers. They are working even better than the last ones. She says that she wants me to be at least a 3 in the pain level scale.
I haven't been at a 3 on the scale in 2 1/2 years. That would be very, very nice. She's a great person, very helpful, very understanding, a great doctor.
Everything seems to be going ok so far, not perfect, but it'll work and I can live with it too. Wish my Son didn't have to leave, wish the baby was healthier too. It is what it is.
Wishing you all a great day, and a memorable New Years Eve too. I may just be here asleep. LOL! YAY! I'm exhausted from Christmas time...still.
Blessings to you.

Enduronman :)

[1Bluerose68]

Hi Enduraman, has your situation changed at all since I read your post similiar to this when I first responded a few months ago? I wish you the best and hope that you do not become a , "Victim of the dysfunctional Family System." Sometimes, ya just gotta let em go, and Let God do the rest. God hopefully meaning that eventually these disturbed persons will be aided by social services. Otherwise, they too will end up hitting rock bottom and going to jail, or going to the hospital for some illness or other, or even having a breakdown and having to spend time in recovery? Which may not be bad in their case?

[Enduronman]

Hey Blue!
Happy New Year!
Yes, I now live with my Father and he is a super great man. Very kind, helpful, caring.
We are now in a good place with no family dysfunction at all.
Thinking of you friend!
Enjoy this day...

Enduronman :)

[Dahila]

Happy New year everyone and Eman :))

[Enduronman]

(sigh)....
The car that I put together for my Dad, for Christmas, has a bad water pump now. Got the part. Have to wait until Tuesday to get it put in.
I used to be able to do that shit blindfolded, in my sleep, hanging from my ankles. Oh well.
My Son goes back to KY today after his 2 week visit. This day is going to suck ass.
Going to put in my Daughter's new car stereo as a diversion. Powerful. She'll be happy. It does everything. Has a detachable face. She likes it. Christmas gift that FINALLY arrived.
It wasn't here by Christmas so I wrapped her up a stapler in a box. She opened it and said WTF? BAAAAHAHAAHA!!!! Priceless.
Took the back speakers out of my Dad's old piece of shit car yesterday. Brought them inside and went into Chloe's room to show her the new speakers that I ordered for her Christmas gift.
That ARE NOT here yet!!!!! She didn't know any different. Until I told her to look on the back at the magnets and tell me how many watts they have? 10 watts. THEN she got it...WTF??!!!!!
BAAAHAHAHAAAHA!!! Pieces of shit! Her new ones are capable of 300 watts!!! HAAAAHAAHA!!!! I know, I'm mean. But, I got a laugh anyway.
Watched a movie with my kids last night. Bad Grandpa. Johnny Knoxville. He shit on the wall in a restaurant. I could not stop laughing and nearly pissed my pants!!!! BAAAHAHA!!!!
I will try to make this day, a good day.
Wishing you all the best!!!
Blessings...

Enduronman :)

[Enduronman]

Well, considering that I bought a car with a blown engine (126,000 miles) and has it all fixed up for my Dad for Christmas, I have apparently somehow gotten into the used car business.
His car is finally 100% done. Runs and rides perfect. No leaks, no noises, and it even rides smooth at near 90 mph too. I drove it around yesterday to see if it would hold up for him. LOL!
I also bought another Honda Accord car. A 2000, 2 door coupe, LX that already runs. Just needs some body work, a front bumper. It will be a nice looking car when I'm done with it.
Then, I'll sell it. So, I guess this is how I will earn some extra money now. I had NO idea it was going to be in buying broken down Honda cars, fixing them, and selling them. BAAHA!!!
It's ALL I have ever driven in the past 28 years, so I know what I'm looking at when I go to see them. I know what I have to fix, how much it costs, where to get the parts, what to ask when done.
There are now 4 Honda Accords out front. LMAO!! And, I am also trying to sell a 02 Toyota Celica GT (wrecked), an 01 Mazda Protégé (needs new gaskets), and a 98 Dodge Neon (needs nothing).
I'm going to look at a 99 Accord today ( I hope) right here in my same town. Won't start. I will know exactly why it won't start within 5 minutes, then make them an offer.
Their AD says, won't start so just make me an offer. LOL! So, there may be another Honda sitting out front by the end of the day. a 99!! HAAHAAHA!!! (My mechanic is having fun, getting paid).
Was going to try to put some speakers in the back of my daughters car today, BUT, the windchill is -24 right now. NOT so sure I want to be outside for very long.
Other than all this "car" stuff, I'm doing ok. Still have pains that wake me up in the middle of the night. I got up at 4am today to take my pain killers. It's 5am now....feeling ok so far.
Oxycodone actually works! YAY!! Gotta take that 4 times a day, but it's better then the other...walking around in severe pain all the time.
Hope you're all doing well! Wishing you all the best too!

Enduronman :)

[Im-Suffering]

Just wanted to pop in and harass you........er...say hello ! Its been some time.

-24 degrees, wow. Stay well. Ill pop back in soon to say hi.

Catcha later.

[Enduronman]

I found the car of the day! It was priced at 1/2 of book value. I wanted to see it. I texted the owners, yes they still have it and it just needs a tire, and a new muffler. I asked if they would meet me somewhere because I wasn't familiar with the town that they live in but that my WHOLE FAMILY lives down there.

They have not, and will not, reply to me since I told them that my entire family lives in the town that they live in!!! BAAHAAAHAA!!!!

Hmm...Wonder if there is REALLY something wrong with the car? LMFAO!!!!

Oh well,...Win some, Lose some. :)

Have a great day all!!

Enduronman.. :)

[Enduronman]

Just stopping in to see how everyone is doing? I am doing pretty damn good, other then my Aunt is in the hospital now (86 yrs old) and I didn't sleep well last night because of that.
I am living with her brother, my Dad of course. I didn't tell him last night, it was 11pm before I learned of it and he wouldn't have slept at all either. He couldn't handle it.
I will tell him after his mind wakes up around 10am today. He is also struggling with issues of the mind too. Asking me if I was going to shower yesterday night, when he helped me hang up the towels when I was done showering at 11am...he had already forgotten that. (sigh)...he's 76.
Other than those issues, doing great. I told you that I bought my Dad a car for Christmas. Well, I have already bought (3) more cars since the 20th of December now too.
I figured out what I was going to do for a living, to earn an actual income, I just didn't know it was going to be by buying cars headed to the junkyards for Final Burial, fix them, resell them.
I restored old houses for 30 years (which destroyed my physical body) and now I'm restoring old cars (which requires NO physical labor whatsoever) so I don't get sore and more painful.
I have 2 Honda Accords, one Mazda Protégé, and one Toyota Corolla which is my present project today. The mechanic is going to pop the hood, and diagnose the mechanical problems.
Then, one of the Accords goes into the shop on the 2nd week of February. Then the Mazda on the 2nd week of March. They will ALL be ready to drive again, safely, soundly, strongly.
Then, my daughter Chloe will wash them, wax, shine, polish, clean them with a toothbrush, and make them look really sharp...then, the FOR SALE sign goes up in the window.
EVERYBODY is happy. I just had NO idea that I would be doing this. I do however, really, really, like it.
I even have a partner in the junkyard business now too. He has 95% of what I need, and he's a great guy to deal with too.
It all just happened so fast. Hell it isn't even the 20th of January yet!! BAAAHAHAAAAAHA!!!! and I am making money again since disability has their thumbs up their assholes.
I can't wait on them, anymore. I am done with that program. Its been over 2 1/2 YEARS now that I've been waiting. Fudge them!!! LOL!
Everything else is good. Living here is really good. Being with my youngest daughter is really good. Being away from that drunk is really good. Making some money is good too. Finally.
Thinking of you all and hope you're getting along well!
Have a great day friends.

Enduronman :)

[Dahila]

My man had autobody shop before his accident, it is hard work to do it Eman. I am happy to see you in one piece ;)))

[smartscrutiny]

Love your positive attitude and how you write - thanks for this post!

[Enduronman]

Hey Smartscrutiny!

Eh, my positive attitude may have taken quite a hit, like a car crash...
Everything SEEMED to be going pretty well, fine, ok.
Then, my youngest daughter got arrested, again, for the exact same shit (5th time). Possession of Paraphernalia.
She will be gone for a very long time, this time. They revoked her probation. The sentence is 9 months.
My Father and I both, already miss her dearly. I can hardly look down the hallway at her door without crying or even look at her car without the same feeling.
I've lost her, for awhile. And, I lost my girlfriend of nearly 8 years too. Because of my anger, stresses, and for disappearing for a couple days at a time, to process everything.
It's in my nature to do that, my stupid personality type even says that I (need) my alone time and space, to calm down, decompress, process things, but she thinks that I just dump her...
When in all reality, I crawl into my cave and think about things, how things are, how things are now going to be, how and if I can change the way that things are or will be...
So, I've lost my daughter (My Princess as my x gf said) and I've lost my gf (of nearly 8 years) too....AND, I was denied my disability again too (2nd time) even though I can't walk.
My positive attitude, has just taken a "Shot through the heart"....but, I will try to recover from all this, it will just take time I suppose,...
I will do my best to maintain and to be positive too..

Wishing you well and a great day too!
Enduronman.. :)

(PS: Friends wanted. If anyone would like to send me a friend request on Facebook then my name is Chip Eads, from Greenwood, Indiana. Find me! I need friends now more than ever. :) ....)

[Dahila]

Oh Dear, that's a lot in such short time. Girlfriend; she is gone because she do not understand, after 8 years she should. Before she or you guys broke up, she sold the house thanks to work you put in. The *****disability, it is awful. How long they are going to brush you off?
Keep strong my dear Eman, keep strong, it shall pass

[jessed03]

Hey man, just checking in like you said. :)

Hey to all the crew, too.

Sorry to hear about your daughter E-man. Sometimes people are just their own worst nightmare at times, huh? All you can keep doing is hoping that things will improve. On the bright side, people do burn out a bit as they age. Pity she's still so darn young!!

I haven't had much sleep, so whack me round the head if I'm wrong, but did also you say you've broken up with Kim?

I hope you can ride out this bad wave.

[Enduronman]

Yep..broken up with Kim, Chloe arrested again, Cecilia's third child is a child of the State because of drugs, and it just keeps getting better and better I guess.
Started another new med a couple days ago, Latuda. Only problem, can't really sleep all the well but other than that, doing ok.
The Kim thing, doesn't bother me. It is what it is...sometimes things work, sometimes they don't.
The Chloe thing, bother's me. 5th time. She may do some time for this one.
The Cecilia thing, bother's me, because its just f**kin sad...and I thought I had a (real) Grandchild this time. NOPE!
Other then all that shit, life is Grand...

Thinking of you all friends!..

Have a good day,
Enduronman. :)

[Im-Suffering]

Yep..broken up with Kim, Chloe arrested again, Cecilia's third child is a child of the State because of drugs, and it just keeps getting better and better I guess.
Started another new med a couple days ago, Latuda. Only problem, can't really sleep all the well but other than that, doing ok.
The Kim thing, doesn't bother me. It is what it is...sometimes things work, sometimes they don't.
The Chloe thing, bother's me. 5th time. She may do some time for this one.
The Cecilia thing, bother's me, because its just f**kin sad...and I thought I had a (real) Grandchild this time. NOPE!
Other then all that shit, life is Grand...

Thinking of you all friends!..

Have a good day,
Enduronman. :)

Hey, you..

[Enduronman]

Hey there..
Same old shit...different day.
Other than that...what can a man say.
LOL!

Enduronman...

[Enduronman]

I think that maybe the tides of my life have changed, for the better...Weird.
I sold a car today that I had been working on, and they drove off as a happy family. It's a good feeling.
Then, I was at a gas station and a girl struck up a conversation, with me? WTF? I was looking around like maybe she was talking to someone else.
Well, she wasn't. She said that she really like their soda's and especially the pepsi...which I again thought was weird because so do I.
Then, as we were leaving, she asked me if I would like to call or text her sometime? WTF? Um, yeah...OK!
I've been texting her all night, like I'm a kid all over again. She's too good to be true. I'm supposed to go over to her apt tomorrow too.
This should be interesting! YAY!!! Amazing how things can change so quickly, but rarely for the good. A new day awaits me! I can hardly wait....yippee!!!

1504

Her name is Juliana...She's kind of cute. I just had to smack myself to be sure I was awake and not dreaming...LMAO!!

Have a great Friday all!

Enduronman... :)

[NixonRulz]

Dang, E, you got your hands full with your new girl. Quite the looker she is

Anytime relationships go bad, just expect an upgrade and it usually comes along. She would be an upgrade for almost everyone.

The daughters will find their way. Just be there when you are needed like you always do

Be well.

[jessed03]

Damn E-man! Hope your life really is turning around.

That girl's cute bro. I can't take my eyes off of her... uh.. personality.

She looks young though. She looks early 20's?