I can't do it

[okami1995]

I know I've come here before and asked for advice from all of you, and you all tell me to tell other people about my problems. I know it's what I need to do, but I can't. For my whole life, my confidence has been smashed, crushed and generally destroyed by bullying. I gained more confidence in my last year of school when I found a group of good friends, but now that confidence is gone. For the last year since I left school, that confidence has faded away and been replaced by the wretched anxiety by which I am now cursed. I've had anxiety before, but nothing like this phase I've had since December. Criticizing my self in every way, hating myself, telling myself I'm worthless and I don't deserve a damn thing. If you've read some of my previous posts, then you know some of the things I've worried about frivolously for months. It was going away over the past few weeks and I was feeling better, but now, I'm right back in the middle of it, feeling ashamed of certain actions in my life. Especially the carpet urination incident which occurred a few times later in the previous year. I know that in the end, this stemmed from my own feelings of worthlessness which I've carried at least subconsciously for a good long while now. I had practically no self esteem, and I felt that no matter what I do, nobody in the world really cares about me, so what the hell does it matter if I'm an unhygienic caveman. But of course, that's made my self esteem much worse. I feel that no matter what I do in life, no matter what therapy I go through, no matter how sorry I am for doing it, people will always judge me for this, forever thinking of me as some gross weirdo that doesn't belong in civilized society. I think that any friends I make in life would feel the same way if they knew this one thing about me. I can now only wish that I had never done it, but there's nothing I can do about it now. The past is gone, and I've done what I've done now, and i'll have to live with that for the rest of my life until the day I die. I can't even tell anyone, because I have so little confidence and so much shame that it feels impossible to speak to anyone about this, or the other things about which I have worried. So what can I do. I'm stuck, my hope is gone, and I don't know if these secrets will ever leave me to live in peace or if I will be forever anxious about them.

[dazza]

Sounds deep and complicated.

If I were you (and I know this is easier said than done), but I think I'd try to re-invent myself.

Forget what the fuck's happened in the past, brush myself down and start afresh.

Why do you feel the need to talk to people about pissing on the carpet? I don't get that?
(Sorry - I don't know about the carpet pissing incident... I haven't read your previous posts)

Fuck... you sound SO down and out of it.

Are you at least TRYING to help yourself? or just wollowing in your own mud?

[dazza]

By the way... I don't mean to sound harsh. I just find it frustrating thinking about people like you in such a state. It kinda breaks my heart how some people get so fucking down.

How did this ever happen? what the hell went wrong?

[Amy1986]

Hi

Well reading your post all I wanted to do is give ya a massive hug! You are not worthless, despite how you feel (im assuming the carpet thing really topped you off in terms of low self esteem etc) but really one minor incident doesn't rid you of the amazing person you probably are, your too harsh on yourself, we're all human. I could tell you some whopping stories of my anxiety past to make you feel better but now, in all honesty I laugh about them and I laugh about how bad I got (my own type of feel good therapy).

I'm so sorry your having such a struggle ATM, I hope you find some comfort in us lot who in some ways can prob relate to your feelings.

At my worst a few years back I was suicidal, agoraphobic, very depressed and didn't give a crap about myself in terms of making the effort (showering etc) but I got out of it, I pulled myself into therapy (CBT) and here I am now, mostly okay with the odd relapse. Don't ever feel like your alone, more then welcome to vent to us

Take care

Amy

[OMGHM]

Hi

Well reading your post all I wanted to do is give ya a massive hug! You are not worthless, despite how you feel (im assuming the carpet thing really topped you off in terms of low self esteem etc) but really one minor incident doesn't rid you of the amazing person you probably are, your too harsh on yourself, we're all human. I could tell you some whopping stories of my anxiety past to make you feel better but now, in all honesty I laugh about them and I laugh about how bad I got (my own type of feel good therapy).

I'm so sorry your having such a struggle ATM, I hope you find some comfort in us lot who in some ways can prob relate to your feelings.

At my worst a few years back I was suicidal, agoraphobic, very depressed and didn't give a crap about myself in terms of making the effort (showering etc) but I got out of it, I pulled myself into therapy (CBT) and here I am now, mostly okay with the odd relapse. Don't ever feel like your alone, more then welcome to vent to us

Take care

Amy

Hi Amy,
How long did it take to get you to where you are now?

[Serenity 7]

fuck what people will think of things you have done.life to short to regret things.as said above re invent yourself.i always think of people worth of than me.and it snaps me out of it

[TheWhiteRabbit]

Chances are no one is thinking about you more than you. People are busy with their own lives. Stop thinking about things you've done and start thinking of things you want to do. Don't worry about other people do what makes you happy.