Yea Yea I know - Back Again

[Ponder]

Thanks for the kind words Sal. So glad you able to come back and give a little support. It means a lot to me and others I am sure. It's a different kind of forum to the others. People are reading and the way I figure it ... many take solace when reading that they are not the only one's struggling with others such as in the way those of us write when we do.

Smiles - I hear ya re not being in the sun for a while then going out. It can be a mission like a vampire having to get a dose of blood from the grocery store at high noon. Or perhaps that's just me. lol.

Today I picked up around 260 liters of potting mix. I started taking photos to share and will take more tomorrow when I pot the bamboo. I'm yet to lift a few plants and re-pot as well as buy just a few more to pack in some plant to thicken the green up. I might start taking my laptop outside to make some posts once things settle down.

I know it can be hard to log on and keep in touch so a big thank you from me for making the effort. Your post really brightened my day.

[Ponder]

I thought this was really cool:

I've watched quite a few of hers. Inspiring stuff. I'll post my favorites of hers later. To be sure I like everything this little one does. Something magical about her being so young and doing this. Unfortanley people do not age like wine.



Don't get me wrong, people still suck! Maybe not everyone.
Definitely check out her promo cover video on her channel.

[Ponder]

Another big day working on the outdoor green room. My wife demanded that I hand back the bank card after my last trip to the warehouse. lol. I've been suspended until the court proceeding are over. About six weeks I guess. All good. Not the first time. I at least did manage to fit in her mother's day present; Zygocactus

Bit behind on chores as we have a house inspection coming up. Need to do a quick mow but also have a review meeting re my supports and also have a therapy session all in one day. House inspection the day after. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

You've head it all before but fuck man I really got to get a hold on my health. Starting to worry about the stress my on body with all this extra weight and lack on activity where it counts. Like I mean potting about is great but not really cutting it with how I have let myself go. Problem is as you get older the hill can kill ya if you make it up near the top and wind up rolling either back or over the other side. This trying to eat my way back into a healthy weight is just not cutting it for me. Time to stress my shoulder a little more each day. Yadda Yadda ... broken record I know. Fact is I need to keep telling myself. I got a bike mirror on order to help give me a little confidence on the road. As much as I don't like mixing it up with the traffic, riding a bicycle on the footpath is more trouble than it's worth. At least for me it is. As much as I am over people I still like to treat others as I would want others to do to me. I find there are as many ass holes on the footpath as I do on the road. LOL ... I needed that laugh.

I've also been watching re-runs of some Adam Sandler and Jim Carey. Seems to be helping. In fact I am watching a lot of re-runs of late. Regardless of getting older the dribble hitting the screens today is just so predictable and oversold.

Righto ... having some how fitted in 200+ Mods into my gaming server without issue, I think I am ready to go try them out.

First I watch one more of this little performer - Nice piece as well as genuinely played:

[Ponder]

Full On DAY Today. Just finished printing out two thirds of the reports that are being used in today's Disability Support Review. A big session that has entailed many hours of assessments and no doubt lots of money $$$ that so many people get bent out of shape on. What the fuck ever. I already expressed the part about this world being a stage and everyone need either accept their part or at least learn to play this BS game, lest one find themselves consumed as a victim Vs one who sails their own boat. I've put a lot of work into this review and intend to make it work for my own outcomes Vs the strings the government and certain inflexible sheep would otherwise have me do. Alas, there are many pit falls to this game and to be sure I have just about hit them all.



I just need to remember and stick with those notes sitting under my watch and hearing aids. I best ware those too. A big goal for later this year is to expand out Goodwill Computers Charity which is still going quite well. Those notes be sitting above wallet and noise cancelation buds. I have kept very quiet last year about the charity we run due to Covid, the Road Rage even and my Should Reconstruction. Once we get custody of our grandson (in accordance with our daughters wishes of course) and are final done with family court (touch wood) my wife and I are looking to start some disability workshops relating to hands on computers. From tinkering with circutboards to just playing Minecraft and everything in-between. We have already been on the NEWS a couple of time with different ventures. I think once all this other BS is out of the way, I think we can make this new goal work. I know enough people in the field. Just need to find my MoJo is all. I need to think more about that though and would not bother if not for my wife. She is the one that best deals with people over the phone and keeps records of it all. I'm only good with that kind of thing when it comes to jumping my own hoops and not others. Just depends on the support and flexibility one receives I guess. Take out that BS expectation that comes with a wage and I am all good. Money has a way of corrupting people when it comes to the work force. The only things I have excelled at in my life is doing things for free ... although yes of course the is always a cost associated with it. I'm more talking about the way people treat eachtoher between the two ways of being in a general sense. To be sure there are huge egos in the charity business and it is just as toxic with people wanting to be seen and having more. I've been guilty of it myself to be sure and reason why I need to think carefully about going back into that scene. If we do ... we need to keep it small. That is for sure.

OK - enough with that kind of thinking. I get ready for my big Review and also have therapist appointment which I have not had the last few weeks as he has been away. I must remember to wish him well. He is a good guy. I need to keep him on board. Today we talk about our daughter (with my wife included/fronting the session) as my daughter is too under assessment. Finally we have worker who does not want to divide the family as so many other workers are constrained to do. That hole privy BS thing that we are taught to fear has created a huge rift in society that people care less to see. My daughter has been holding down her job and is doing really well since this guy has come on the scene. We fight hard for her to want support and it seems our efforts our now turning into her own. We could not be in a better spot all things considered re going into this court case. That in itself has been a huge gathering of wills.

Sigh ... ok ok --- time for bacon and eggs then a quick shower. I'll pull up short of the toilet door. hahahhaaa Keeping a record usually works for me. rofl ... what the fuck ever.

Righto ... best remember to water the plants.

It's OK ... People still suck! That said we should do what we can to make that less of an issue and no better place to do that than by starting with oneself.

That's a wrap

[salvator here]

Man, do I get this - the endless battle with the system. So much to say but struggling for words atm. Just one of those days, I guess, no (major) worries. Mentally I've been quite 'out there' lately, but not always bad so hell with the world if that's "unwell" ... I'll take it and embrace it then but just aware of the other side of the coin that usually follows (the crash). My old therapist told me whatever works to get through the day, he was usually clueless but right on that one.

I haven't shared with my new therapist *the extent* of my Derealization - I touched on it and she just said remove the shame from it and we've not discussed it since, as, to me, this is not wrong/ill/crazy. Again like you said: unstable in an unstable world IS normal and I'll take (moments of) 'normalcy' (whatever that means) as 'consistency' is beyond my reach .... I'm 'all over the place'. Oh well - Haha

sorry for not making any sense

Glad you're getting paperwork together, for now, I've taken a break as I'm exhausted from that last battle and even my therapist said: for now, take care my myself and hygiene and my immediate needs because it took a pretty severe toll and I need to compose myself again; not that I was ever all that composed anyway that I can recall - Lol..

And you reminded my to water my 1 plant as its getting a bit dry. I water it and sit and talk to it and it cheers up and seeing it flourish makes me feel better - its just a common Anthurium house plant.

Will write tomorrow morning.

Enjoy your week ahead.

[salvator here]

Hey, Ponder

I was just typing on your thread and your name popped up on the bottom of my screen lol

So its a little past 11PM and you're preparing for bed? I (fully) admit I only dragged myself out of bed 1/2 hour ago lol

[Ponder]

Hey there Sal. That is one of my favorite plants. Mine almost died because I let them all go at one point. Well actually more than one point. I’m glad you have a plant. : ) Sometimes it only takes one to remind us of something other than ourselves.

Yea – I know that feeling man. So much to say but not sure how to deliver. Whatever works is a very personal thing I guess. Sometimes it can take a few goes before we know what truly works as often the shortest route comes with consequences not so well understood until it’s too late.

Makes sense to me Sal. The definition on Google makes me laugh a little regarding the claim that people feel disconnected at least once in their lifetime. Right now it is the majority of people most of the time on a regular basis that are somewhat detached from the essence of life around them. What they are connected with is far from reality. What most call reality is far from life. Just a system of living in which if you’re not doing it right, requires a label that gives blame to the individual. So whilst some claim the answer is to subtract the blame, the act of doing so just seemingly leads back to the grind which in turn wares one down until such a point blame is back in the game. Of course we are told the answer is the same. Subtract the blame once again.

Of course blame is a good thing to be rid of. Just hard to do when living in a world that thrives on it is all. Blame and Shame. I know you have lived enough to know that drill.
_____________________________

Arr man … I have to admit that I am climbing the walls tonight Sal. That Review went pretty badly. Like I pretty much got what was being asked for … but the way in which I was continually cut off and dismissed was quite appalling. Like the way I was treated, weighed and measured. In the end I think of all the posts I have made in here about control and how it is that I have allowed myself to give so much of my own power away in return for this and that service. I am as much a slave to the system that I write about. I am torn between the benefits that my wife receives via the help I myself get. Like a big part of me is ready to truly disconnect and give up my supports but I know my wife would resent me for doing so due to the afore mentioned benefit she gets. I plan to start doing more things myself once again before I give it up. See if I can prove to her that I don’t need the help.

Forgive me as I think out loud. This space is good for that and something I can do for myself. My wife in pretty much on the same plan – just not getting as much help as me. The stupid thing is that she needs it more than me. Moreover, I really should be the one doing more of the work. The system really has a way of disempowering people. Is hard to explain. I think it is making me more broken than I need be. I have become selfish in my own quest to want more. I am disappointed in myself regarding such.
I believe I can keep the disability pension I am on – but thinking seriously of giving up the NDIS services. (National disability insurance scheme) It’s such a scam on so many levels with all kinds of peoples exploiting on all sides. Just another part of the system consuming people as it goes along. There is this thing my wife and others say “once you go off it you’ll never get it again!” The very nature of that claim sounds off. Like if you’re going to be like that I really don’t think I should be receiving the help?



Hmmmm – Like I have some serious cognitive issues in certain situations that can go from manageable to extremely dysfunctional – BUT – only more like so as long as I believe in such. If I was not on the NDIS system, I bet I would not think as negatively about myself and have more room for growth without all the overlords and so on. I have lost much that matters most since engaging on this system. I don’t know … They kind of got me by the balls. I’ll talk to my coordinator and ask if I extricate myself from said system, can she help my wife can get extra support since she is now on it.

I will have to ride my bike to appointments – BUT – then I will have less appointments. My wife uses the car all the time but that is OK. So often I have written about the slave trap. My example is a perfect one to highlight how you don’t actually have to be working to be caught up in that trap. I seriously need to free myself. Perhaps I can talk to my therapist and utilize funding another way. We have something called Allied Health. Less appointments but the less factor actually works into what I am looking for. I think I might actually be able to plan my way out of this mess. Hmmmmm

I am done with all that paper work … my labels will still stand for those that require them I guess. It’s just that I am personally done with them.

Arrrr -

Whatever. I feel much better than I was before I started writing.

I hope you’re feeling a little better yourself.

Night Night. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Hey Sal - Just saw your message - truth be told I am climbing the walls unable to sleep. Is nearly 1 am here for me. My above post kind of helped. Thanks for reaching out though. I hope you enjoy/ed your walk. Please have a morning cuppa for me.

Here's to a good day for you and me. : )

Any movies worth watching of late? Subjective I know ... figured I would ask anyways.

[salvator here]

So, hopefully you finally were able to get to sleep, I know that struggle all too well myself.

The walk was nice - nobody bothered me and I was able to have 1 exchange of pleasantries with somebody with a simply "hello" and that was just fine. I walked basically around my complex as I've been a bit phobic of being on the streets because I don't trust people anymore, and I don't want to wear a mask and get looks of death without one when I'm on the road. What is important is to get fresh air and sun and my therapy session with my 'inner self' for clarification of things I'm experiencing - funny how the subconscious sometimes inline with our outer self. Hard to explain.

Funny, because I used to use no script and block all tracking, I never used to even see the chat room below, but now, I've let go of some of my paranoia by just adjusting my JavaScript settings as follows in Firefox:

user_pref("javascript.options.asmjs", false);
user_pref("javascript.options.baselinejit", false);
user_pref("javascript.options.discardSystemSource" , true);
user_pref("javascript.options.ion", false);
user_pref("javascript.options.strict", true);
user_pref("javascript.options.wasm", false);
user_pref("javascript.options.wasm_baselinejit", true);
user_pref("javascript.use_us_english_locale", true);

And I'm finding myself more at ease taking into consideration my paranoia was/is unfounded as I'm cautious and careful and trust AF. Before, nothing worked right and drop-down menus didn't even work properly, so I can enjoy the full experience without needless plugins/add-ons/extensions. I'm allowing some ads so as to not hurt any revenue for the longevity of our forum.

user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.enabled", true);
user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.introCount", 20);
user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.pbmode.enabl ed", true);
user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.socialtracki ng.enabled", true);
user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.ui.enabled", true);

Just don't have this same control in Chrome to my liking - though I do use Vivaldi only when needed.

Speaking computers: I read you are still doing the good will, I think its great you're still helping people to get a working system. Gosh, my computer is the air I breathe. I'd say I'd go nuts without it, but, trust me, I'm already there

So I was happy to send you a message or anybody for that matter if I"m online as I've hardly ever used that chat room here.

Somebody is picking me up later for a bite to eat and I'll get ready shortly for that and hopefully also starbucks tonight and will check in later. If not, hope your day is a good one and I'll be sure to post some of the movies I watch ... enjoying classic horror and suspense films.

[salvator here]

Dinner wasn't too bad; enjoyed Spanish Red Rice dish with Turkey Sausage with Collard Greens. I'm not used to salty dishes as I've cut out salt from my diet for so long now I no longer crave it as much. I'm not good company these days, but I did my best to at least seem interested and just agreed with everything that was said lol... but glad to be home and its quiet just the way I prefer it

Its about 7PM and I plan to watch:

Things Heard & Seen on netflix tonight and I'm usually ready for bed at 10 but it takes me time to quiet the noise in my head to sleep sometimes.

Hmmmm – Like I have some serious cognitive issues in certain situations that can go from manageable to extremely dysfunctional

I'll write more in the morning about your 2nd to last posting as I have some input that *could* be of some benefit (re cognitive deficits) as I also have well documented (noticeable) deficits; perhaps.

Enjoy your day