I don't know why I feel like this.(if this sounds like a long rant/mess.I'm so sorry)

[ksormgh]

I think it was all triggered by a fight/arguement I had with a very close male friend of mine two months before.
Since then, we haven't spoken and before that we used to be inseparable. Both of us are at fault, but to keep matters simple-I have to come forward.
But it's that fear of making the first step, the fear of rejection, the fear of uncertainty that stops me from doing anything. I want our friendship to return back to the way it was. I feel like time isn't on my side because in a few months he will be graduating and moving back to his hometown.

The other debilitating part is that I have developed feelings for him, and whenever I have feelings for someone, I go from being my normal, functioning, relaxed self, to this shy, anxious, alert, overthinking mess...because I get very self conscious.

I've been overthinking everything-I've been losing sleep. I've been so afraid of asking him. Lately I've been texting him and he always manages to reply to me-even if his responses are fairly neutral. It was also his birthday the other day and I wished him happy birthday and he actually thanked me with my name..it was the first time he had called me by my name in a long time and it just.. it made me want to cry tears of joy.

I used to not be afraid of texting him, or contacting him, but now I am.. I don't want to be afraid anymore..I don't want to be so nervous and scared, I want to be able to talk to him without any sort of fear.. The other day, I had planned to ask to call him so I could tell him I wanted to meet to apologize, and when I managed to ask him 'hey, can I call you?" his response was simply "I'm sorry I can't" and I got so scared and anxious from that response, I didn't even try to ask why, or say 'ok, I'll try again later".....

Please..help me...I'm just so overwhelmed...

I also feel like I've lost enthusiasm for so many things I used to really enjoy.

[MiST]

Classic anxiety symptoms. Your reading way to much into things and making assumptions that in all likelihood aren't correct.

He might be busy at the moment and have a lot going on.

Most people can move on from an argument pretty quickly but with anxiety it's easy to fixate on negative experiences and become obsessed.

Try and realise that it's just your anxiety making you feel this way and it's no big deal.

[ksormgh]

It was a pretty bad situation and we both said some things that were said without thinking. The last things he said to me before I had to back away were how he didn't like my negative personality and that he was tired of it. It stung..so much.. but I had to back away.
For the most part I'm not a negative person, just very very emotionally vulnerable.

[Anne1221]

It sounds like you like this guy, so you should be willing to change. If he sees you as negative and he's tired of that, then wouldn't it be worth it to try to not be so negative? If it was me, I would apologize (someone has to get the ball rolling) and say you miss the friendship and want to try to not be so negative. If not, it sounds like the relationship may remain at a stalemate. Be the bigger person! And improve yourself in the meantime, and be grateful for such a good friend.

[MiST]

Hmm..need to toughen up a bit and try not to be so sensitive so much. People say things all the time without thinking, chances are he feels pretty bad for saying anything that might have upset you.

[ksormgh]

It sounds like you like this guy, so you should be willing to change. If he sees you as negative and he's tired of that, then wouldn't it be worth it to try to not be so negative? If it was me, I would apologize (someone has to get the ball rolling) and say you miss the friendship and want to try to not be so negative. If not, it sounds like the relationship may remain at a stalemate. Be the bigger person! And improve yourself in the meantime, and be grateful for such a good friend.

I do like him, I really do..but I'm wondering if thats something he's not ok with; since he's a close friend of mine, and he probably only thinks of me as a friend and nothing more (even though we have kissed before.. but thats a longer story)

The other factor that plays into this is that he's graduating at the end of the semester and he's also moving back to his hometown, so time really isn't on my side.
I guess he doesn't dislike me since he still follows me on social media. Today, I tried to get that ball rolling by asking him how he was doing and his reply was just a one word answer.. and it kind of scared me.. and made me think "ok..how can I advance this?" Ultimately, I want to ask him either

"I'm sorry it took me until now to say this, but I'd like to apologize to you but I'd rather do this in person, can we meet?" or "There's something that I need to tell you, but I need to tell you in person, can we meet?" and my biggest fear is that he'll say no to meeting, which is why I'm afraid of even asking. I get panicky and start breathing really fast. How can I just.. get over this fear? How can I be more confident? How can I sound more natural!? How can I be sure he won't say no?!

But the other thing is I know which coffee shop he frequents and I've been wondering..should I just.. 'run into him' ? (Not the best idea but...)

[MiST]

Maybe he has a girlfriend or is just entering into a new relationship and feels awkward talking to other girls.

[ksormgh]

Maybe he has a girlfriend or is just entering into a new relationship and feels awkward talking to other girls.

I don't think that would be the case, because he's been in a relationship before while friends with me..

[Anne1221]

Well, you've got to do something to break the stalemate. I like your first choice of the two choices you mentioned. Just gather up your nerve. No one can decline a sincere apology.

[ksormgh]

I know its the better choice, but I'm worried he'll get angry at me for me for apologising so late or be indifferent..
..but then again, if he's going to graduate and move away soon..why even hold on to any grudges?