So after 13 months off work after opting for voluntary redundancy at a failing company after 9.5 years there it seems i'm heading back to work shortly. My last job was my only ever job. It was poorly paid and stressful. The people I worked with on my various teams over the years were nothing short of amazing. But, because of poor pay and rather tedious daily tasks people came and went very often. It reminded me of school and college somewhat. Forming good friendships with people and then they leave. It's not the nicest feeling, especially when it feels like it happens quite often.
The company I worked for initially was very successful, but over the years they had a couple of bad CEO's who ran the company into the ground. Over the years the atmosphere in the office turned from jovial and light hearted to depressing and angst ridden. I'd racked up debt so I was desperate to hang onto my job. We got bought out by another company and shortly after the buy out they fired 50% of the people. I held onto my job and was delighted, but then a year or so later a second wave of redundancy occurred. I decided to opt for it as the payout would clear my debt and I knew the work environment wasn't the best.
Customer service and office work isn't for me. I stuck with it so long because it became a routine, a safe environment. My anxiety didn't hit me with physical symptoms for about 4 years working there. So, whilst I often go physical symptoms in the workplace almost constant, I knew the job so well that I could function. Sure, I took a lot of sick days off, especially in the early days. No end of Dr appointments and hospital visits. I was still at that stage where I was convinced every ache and pain was a disease or my death around the corner.
So I decided to take the redundancy. I wanted to focus on my art and photography, but also, I figured I needed a break from work. I knew the environment made my anxiety and stress worse. I told my folks (who I live with) and they weren't happy with the decision. But after a day or so they came around, allbeit begrudgingly. In those 13 months I feel my anxiety has vastly improved. I can go out into public situations and not get hammered with severe anxiety symptoms. In fact it's such a rare occurrence these days compared to when I was working in my old job when such symptoms would strike almost chronically whenever I went outside of my comfort zones.
Sure there's still anxious thoughts each day, there's paranoia. But there's also an overwhelming rationalization to my thoughts to counter the initial panic emotions I sometimes feel in situations. I can calm myself down now, reel in the anxiety and comfort myself. This in turn ensures symptoms are very infrequent. With this new found stability I felt it was best to look for work. My partner works and I want to work too so we can save up to buy our own house. So we've been working out finances and saving plans and we will be able to afford a deposit the beginning of next year.
So the past few weeks i'd been applying for jobs. I knew I'd be applying around this time as I didn't want to remain on ESA. It's a form of benefits for those not fit to work. I felt a stigma and guilt attached to claiming such a benefit and went several months without money before deciding to claim. After the ESA was cancelled I went to the Job Centre as I had no money left and wanted a fortnightly allowance to tide me over whilst job hunting. They expected me to do 32 hours of job hunting a week. A laughable proposal in my eyes as I ran out of jobs to apply for within 6 hours. I applied to so many places as I felt it was my job to hunt for jobs. Very few caught my eye and I didn't really feel any attachment to jobs I viewed other than sending off my CV/resume to the company.
I got a confirmation after 6 or 7 days for my first interview. It was for a carer job working with a variety of clients over 18. From the elderly to mentally handicapped and those with brain damage etc. House visits and social work and care home work. It sounded varied and fulfilling, but the pay was poor and it was a zero hours work contract. But I could choose the shifts I did and could work as many hours as I wanted as they had so many clients. I mused this job over the next few days. I'd been in customer service work for so long I felt like that was all I could do. After the interview I was booked in for training. I felt nervous and was pretty scared about attending the training.
The day before the training a job i'd applied for got a reply within 10 mins of applying. An agency phoned me and were keen to book me an interview for an immediate start in another customer service role. There would be a phone interview and then a real interview. She said they were very keen to see me having read my CV. Initially I was buzzing, it was a highly paid job in a sector I knew. But as I pondered it I wondered if that was what I should do. Another job helping people who were often angry, not really needing help. Advising people on products I had no interest in. Sure the money and benefits were sweet, but would the job be fulfilling? I didn't really think so. My parents on the other hand were convinced this was the job for me. £10.57 an hour compared to £7.48 as a carer.
So I mused it over some more. The next day was my training. I clicked with the person doing the training. out of 7 people there I was answering so many questions she asked us and asking many of my own. I stayed after the theory and practical training to get through DVD trainings too. After the day was over I spoke to the head of the company about the future career prospects. Everything sounded so good, it was really appealing. I could actually make a difference for people. Help them maintain independence and improve their quality of life. I could work with such a huge variety of people and study NVQ's for free at the local college which would increase my salary past £9 an hour and then the level 3 NVQ would enable me to go for managerial roles which would provide me with a salary beyond £12 or £13 an hour.
I left the office feeling really positive and convinced this was the career for me. I checked my phone after the 8 hours of training and saw many missed calls. When I got home my mum was distraught, saying the agency had rang many times and left messages with me regarding the CS job. Seems they wanted me in for an interview the next day (today). They were so keen to offer me the job the phone interview was going to be skipped? But I told my parents that I wanted to go for the carer job. I told my mum first. She said it was good I'd found a job I wanted BUT why give up the opportunity for a highly paid job with many perks such as free private healthcare and good pension contributions etc. It made me think back to Game of Thrones and the quote "nothing someone says before the word "but" really counts". It felt very true in this case. Later last night my dad came up to me. He said it was wonderful i'd found a job I wanted to go for. He said he was shocked I would enjoy such a job and be willing to pass up a higher paid job with so many benefits etc.
They were definitely working together on that one. It was rather amusing and insulting at the same time. Life isn't solely about money. If I work hard and gain further qualifications as a carer I could earn a lot of money. But at the end of the day the main importance is that it's a job that I want to do. I don't want to be stuck in another job I hate and that is draining. So what if i'd bring back £1500 a month after tax instead of £1150. There's still a few niggling doubts, but truth be told, I think i've made the right choice.
After so many years of anxiety and depression and at times almost being house bound due to symptoms, I think being a carer is a role that's right for me. I've always been a helpful and caring person, and I understand how symptoms and pains and such can be so debilitating as to prevent you from living the life you want to live. I could form new friendships and learn so much from people I help and care for and develop it into a career possibly beyond caring. I could become a social worker, or even work towards a degree.
Bit of a long post I know, just felt like getting my thoughts down in writing as I find it helpful.
Just waiting for the criminal record check to come back and next week i'll finish my training and be booked in for some shadow shifts with a senior carer. I'll be starting the job properly within 2 or 3 weeks
Ed
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