My name's Edward. Itís very rare for me to start a conversation with someone, either online or in real life. I tend to listen and observe instead of joining in. People intimidate, confuse and upset me on the whole. If I somehow intimidate you, I do apologize as it was never my intention to do so. For those who do take the time to listen, and perhaps reply, I thank you. Certainly seems apparent that people are too busy these days, everything can feel so manic.
Most things in life are rushed; people hardly seem to get a moment to themselves or to fully unwind or contemplate. During moments when there is little else to do but sit and think, people tend to complain of being bored. But we live in the entertainment generation, you'd be hard pressed not to find something to amuse you. It's also apparent people seem to rush weighty decisions such as marriage, parenthood, buying a house etc. You need to be a responsible person before taking on such life altering responsibilities. We're all too easily swayed by emotions and impractical promises that cease to live up to expecation. Life is short, but there's no need to rush down the path you find in life, or even stick to one route.
Thankfully, in such a frantic society, a profile allows you to take time out to write down thoughts and feelings, and people can delve into your persona somewhat. It all depends on how much you wish to write and how much of yourself you wish to expose. Most people don't enjoy the idea of revealing themselves too soon. Hide behind make up, hide behind laughter, hide behind substances and hide our true selves from each other for fear of being hurt or criticized. But I think more time should be spent removing the facades than trying to maintain such an act. A profile can describe yourself perfectly. Some feel it can't, but words are powerful. You'd use words to describe yourself in real life and let people understand who and what you are, so how can a profile be redundant of such an ability?
I'm 26 years old and living at home. Always been an isolated person, even within my own family. My bedroom is a safe haven, a place for me to relax. If you met my parents and saw my house I think you'd see why I've decided to stay so long. I'm a country bumpkin; I always have been...whether or not I always will be remains to be seen. Perhaps I will become more social in time. But in all honesty I don't see the appeal anymore. Most people rely on substances to "have a good time" and it's rather tedious behaviour. I genuinely prefer my own company than that of other people on the whole. But life isn't set in stone and I could easily change my ways if I wish. In the past i've been extremely social and outgoing. But at this point in my life, I prefer being a hermit. It's a common joke to say someone doesn't have a life when they're not social, but if you're trying to insinuate i'm dead and therefore associated with either zombies or vampires, you've got another thing coming. There is a lot more to experience in life than a reliance on socializing with people to feel life is being lived to it's fullest and to ensure you have plenty of stories to tell people to appear interesting and valid.
I lost my way for many years in a fog of cannabis, drugs and socializing with people who were little more than users. The years lost to drugs were such a waste of time, money and my own health and well being. I'm of the mindset now that drugs are bad. I understand that a lot of people often experiment with them for a time. Some people outright refuse drugs and go on moral armchair crusades against them. Yet there is little validity in debating a subject with little knowledge or experience on the matter. It weakens credibility and is a rather unstable foundation for your point of view. Whether through boredom, social situations, purging troublesome emotions or past events people might turn to drugs for the pleasurable release it provides. But it's so easy to lose yourself in that lifestyle as the euphoria from drugs is only temporary and soon tolerances build, the mindset changes and the appetite for more is never fully satisfied. Drugs serve no positive conclusion; it's utterly self destructive and unnecessarily decadent. Reality is there for a reason, you can't indulge too much in substances which only serve to satisfy pleasure. Everything in life is about balance, it's often hard to maintain, but we must endure and continue to be as balanced as possible. However, a site such as this doesn't exactly encourage an abundance of stable personalities in my honest opinion. Drugs aren't cool, they don't make you cool or help you connect with another plane of existence. In fact they tend to push you away from people, reality and the responsibilities expected of you in the real world. I know plenty of people who are utterly lost to drugs, with each passing day they are more and more distant from reality and some have even died due to the choices they have made. Justify substance abuse if you wish, but I don't wish to hear your plight on the matter. Unless it's a prescription drug that is actually keeping someone alive or medically assisting them it's virtually impossible for me to see drug taking in a positive light.
I strive to be as generous as I can be; there are times when Iím emotionally selfish. But on the whole I tend to be overtly giving in nature. It often puts me in financial turmoil which easily breeds a sense of anger and resentment at myself. Money issues have loomed over head for many years; it's not a nice feeling being in a banks pocket. It acts as a constant reminder and catalyst to continue in my somewhat unfulfilling job at present. As with many people, I feel Iím overworked and thoroughly underpaid. However many people I know have less and envy me. But I know I won't be stuck here forever, and change will be forthcoming when I have pulled myself out of this self made hole of debt.
I wish to start evening classes in mechanics and welding. My dad was an engineer all his life, if anything breaks in the house he can fix it. Whether it is electrical, woodwork, plumbing or cars. My half brother works as an airline engineer. I'd like to have a hands on job, office work is tedious and energy sapping. It'd be nice to restore classic cars, either for a garage or as my own business. Buying old off road wrecks from America. The sorts of cars that cost a couple of thousand because they've been gutted and left to rot on some farm. I'd love to restore these cars to their former glory. Classic cars are beautiful. The modern designerís sense of style leaves much to be desired when you compare it to a classic car. Not only restoration, but Iíd be interested in tuning and track days. I have felt so stuck in a rut when I was a stoner. Nothing but dreaming and no positive change or action to follow up these thoughts. But there's nothing to stop me from getting there once Iím out of debt, and that's the direction I wish to follow.
A sense of purpose and direction in life is required. All I have wound up doing these past years is indulging myself and wasting my time and life. Due to a lack of direction, I ended up with many girls who were also lacking a direction in their lives. I was never fully stable emotionally and I seemed to attract the same types of people. Depressive, anxious, jealous, impatient etc. I'm guilty of all the traits myself. But in all honesty, I think you need to be content in yourself and the direction in life you're going to find someone truly compatible with yourself. It's all very well coasting along without direction for a while, but it certainly drains your sense of self worth and achievement over the years.
I went through a phase of trying to look outlandish, as many people are still going through on here. I never once thought Iíd wind up with a toned down look or more conformist and conservative. But over the years I began to resent the attention I gathered from looking different and dressing different. It wasn't me, just an outlet of expression, but more so, a means to make up for what I felt was missing in my life. You don't need to have all colours of the rainbow in your hair, or a strange, theatrical means of dressing yourself to get attention. People need to learn to be less superficial, this isn't aided when people strive to look so different to get attention or to shock or display the fact they think they're going against the social norm. I had many piercings and dreads for 7 years. Unfortunately the dreads started damaging and thinning my hair. At first I ignored it, but the worry was there and it got worse and worse. Now I have a shaved head and still it continues. It's just hair, it shouldn't bother me and yet I see men at work, some severely bald, others it's starting. All are a lot older than me. But I shouldn't feel bitter or ugly. Alas, I haven't had the best self confidence throughout my life, and as with most men i'm sure it's quite a blow to self esteem. Thankfully i'm not bald yet, just thinning and a shaved head provides an illusion somewhat. I'm sure the general stress I feel day to day doesn't help matters. But that's life.
There always seem to be people who will take a look to an extreme. It could be over indulging in tattoos or piercings. Some people end up looking ridiculous in all honesty. Theyíd ask people not to judge, but when you go so out of your way with impractical modifications or fashion itís actually rather foolish to expect people not to judge you. Youíre deliberately going for such an overtly bold look to stand out. Maybe it's empowering, flatters the ego. Perhaps, like me one day you realize it's not practical, it's not you or the attention from others just becomes too much. Some modifications canít be undone and I sincerely hope people have fully considered how drastically it will affect their lives, and usually not in a positive way. In all honesty I donít see overly tattooed people, strange implants, scarification in large quantities or anything of that nature to be a good thing. Again, we revert back to the nature of balance, and these people are so imbalanced in appearance and desire to escape their original body you start to wonder if they were ever comfortable with their persona or within their own skin. I think itís far too easy to get ink or pierced these days. Itís fashionable, it requires little thought or effort for some people and I think thatís why thereís such a craze for modification these days. I believe youíre more individualistic if you donít go down that road in this day and age. Having said that, there is a rather worrying amount of people who all look alike. Popular culture and fashion really has tarred many people with the same brush. People feel the need to latch onto a look or social clique. Whether it's to express their closed minded view of musical appreciation in terms of their look, or simply a means to make friends. People should take more pride in themselves, what they wish to be.
Popularity is something that many people deliberately go against. Perhaps people think it shows them to be individualistic or deep. None more so than the currently sexuality fad. I don't really think it speaks volumes about someone's persona. I think many people are fantasizing about their liberal minded nature without having actually fully experienced what said sexuality truly entails. Such as pansexuality. I fail to see how so many young people have discovered the true nature of such a sexual orientation so early on. It's certainly no coincidence that there is a massive boom in people coming out as pansexual in the alternative community. But come now, it's rather laughable in all honesty. However, it should not be so surprising, the more time you spend around people who consider themselves to be alternative, the more the similarities begin to expose themselves. Clichťs, hypocrites and emotionally unstable individuals. Part of a sheepish conformist group who firmly believe that the rest of society is far too conformist, judgemental and shallow to understand or give them credibility when they themselves are guilty of such behaviour too.
There is much more to life than sex, and yet, most people list their sexuality so early on in profiles. Too many people driven by sex. Sex, fucking, one night stands etc. Whatever happened to making love? People rush things these days; sex is becoming a commodity and certainly seems to be lacking meaning. Thus, I have no interest in people's sexualities. In all honesty, same sex relations often have one person assuming the masculine role and vice versa for the other. There's so many clichťs and stereotypes in the gay and lesbian community that people I know of that inclination have exposed. I thought they were simply comical novelties, alas they do really exist and it's troublesome. But do as you please, I need not know about such things.
I find beauty intimidating as It breeds fear, apprehension and a dash of resentment into my mindset. Once you get to know a person, their looks don't matter at all, but we all make assumptions of someone prior to getting to know them. We are judgemental, it's whether or not your presumptions are maintained and rigid that counts. People often say they dislike judgemental people or liars. However you can't act like you're infallible. We all lie and judge; it's just how we are. People might resent and dislike these 2 traits because they dislike this side of themselves and project this distaste onto other people, but in all honesty, acceptance is better than anything. Some people simply cannot accept their own self worth or appearance. I find this moreso in women, they resent their appearance. It must be a struggle in such a media and image driven society where women are sexualized and constantly under the judgemental gaze of men and now with the supposed rise in liberal minded people; women's gazes too. From what I can gather some of the self belittling is intentional as it's used as a means to receive compliments. It's amusing to call their bluff and agree with someone's negative self criticisms. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, however people's reasons for complimenting each others appearance tends to be envy when it comes to a new item of clothing or haircut etc. Or it's simply because said person is flirting and thinking with their genitalia.
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