Searching for anything good...(sigh)

[Im-Suffering]

...............

Another wonderful day friend!

E-Man

You betcha Todays post feels good to me.

Fond regards,

IS

[Enduronman]

Actually felt good to get those papers in the mail today. A relief of some sort, even if I don't win it yet.
Now, I just wait...I'm used to that!
YAY!!!

E-Man..

[Enduronman]

Good morning to you. It's way to early for this shit.
Did have a small amount of relief yesterday, actually got something done. Whether it turns out to be positive or not, I won't know for awhile.
Still no biopsy results in yet. I guess I would have figured 15 days to be plenty of time for that, but I was wrong. Waiting for that too.
I did get to visit with my oldest daughter for a few minutes, at her new place in Indy. She was very apprehensive about being in Indy, when there is really nothing to worry about just because it isn't "home". Our home is now gone. The home that she and her sis grew up in, foreclosed on. Nothing I can do about that. It is what it is.
Her boyfriend is doing everything that he can to make her more comfortable. Painting the apartment, putting down new carpet, making it safer with new locks, etc. He's really trying. Nice.
I've been in contact with my youngest daughter too. She is really struggling while being away from me. Sounds depressed. Wants to be back here, although I know that won't work out for us.
I was forced to move her in with my Father, to get her away from this other Grandparent and her clearly obvious "issues" that impact others around her. Unknowingly. Alcohol. Nasty chemicals.
Grandfather doesn't drink, isn't judgmental, intoxicated, verbally abusive, demanding, critical, and is just the opposite in all aspects. Better for her up there, 20 miles north. More freedom.
I will deal with that issue shortly, and explain to her why its best where she now is. It isn't permanent anyway. These setbacks are only temporary, she'll have to be patient too. Like me.
My son is supposed to come up and visit this weekend, for one night. It's his 16th birthday. He is excited. Which means that I have to do some driving to get him back home some 300 miles total.
I don't find windshield time all that appealing, comfortable, get sore everywhere after about 30 miles or so. Then, I have to focus merely on the tasks at hand. I suffer, painful. Take meds..grrrr
Can't really help my oldest (unless I had my own home), can't really help my other daughter (unless I had a home), I will try to enjoy my one night with my son (ignore the driving part).
My gf wanted me to look at another house last night at 7pm. 25 miles away. I couldn't do it, too tired, too sore, so we made plans to see it on Saturday instead. Better for me. I will be near there anyway while getting my son. She is very excited about this next home, to a point that she isn't seeing the reality of this home's ownership. Too big, too old, too costly, to much upkeep, in a flood plane, flood insurance, large lot, too expensive to heat, taxes too high, doubling her present expenses that sometimes create a challenge already. Hate to burst her bubble. Be realistic.
It would solve one problem quickly, get us all together easily, but create new trouble at the same time. Financial troubles. Financial concern. Financial worry. Financial stresses....
Trying to persuade her to look at homes more "efficient". Newer. Rather than ancient, antique, old, inefficient. A real challenge for me to keep her more grounded.
I just moved out of a 160 year old house. The house itself created stresses with financial issues. $650 per month in utility cost alone. Depending upon the weather outside. Had a fireplace, and a wood stove as well to supplement for heat. Must not make the same mistake, twice. "Your house has such character and charm". I don't give a fuck, that house is eating me alive financially!
I do not want to go through that ever again. I learned a valuable lesson. Must lesson the burden and strain on the billfold and bank. Going to be a hard sell to convince my gf to think rationally.
Not really where I want to be, neither is anyone else though either, but this is just temporary and possible to fix, alter, adjust, to fit everyone. One thing, within my own control. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's time to begin the communications with everyone now, to help them understand what is going on, and when to expect something to get better. Something good to look forward too.
Have a great day! Make this a great day...

E-Man

[needtogetwell]

Good morning friend!!!!

I know it's been forever since I popped in here, my bad. It's just life, and I don't need to tell you how it goes.

I've spent some time reading through you posts of the last month or so, wow, you've had quite the time of it, and that's a serious understatement. Buried under the poop pile!

Anyway, I don't have much to offer but my continued friendship, I just so hope you get into a better living situation soon, I can't even begin to imagine what it is like with your mom. I do however understand the money thing, my mom isn't so different. Mine just holds it over your head if you ever have to ask for so much as a nickel.

Stay strong my friend, there really isn't much else we can do. I am however missing your sense of humor, I really haven't seen much of that in the posts I've read. Don't lose that, it is one of your most endearing qualities.

Cheers!
I'll try to keep in touch better as we go along.

Pam

[Im-Suffering]

Good morning to you. It's way to early for this shit.
Did have a small amount of relief yesterday, actually got something done. Whether it turns out to be positive or not, I won't know for awhile.
Still no biopsy results in yet. I guess I would have figured 15 days to be plenty of time for that, but I was wrong. Waiting for that too.
I did get to visit with my oldest daughter for a few minutes, at her new place in Indy. She was very apprehensive about being in Indy, when there is really nothing to worry about just because it isn't "home". Our home is now gone. The home that she and her sis grew up in, foreclosed on. Nothing I can do about that. It is what it is.
Her boyfriend is doing everything that he can to make her more comfortable. Painting the apartment, putting down new carpet, making it safer with new locks, etc. He's really trying. Nice.
I've been in contact with my youngest daughter too. She is really struggling while being away from me. Sounds depressed. Wants to be back here, although I know that won't work out for us.
I was forced to move her in with my Father, to get her away from this other Grandparent and her clearly obvious "issues" that impact others around her. Unknowingly. Alcohol. Nasty chemicals.
Grandfather doesn't drink, isn't judgmental, intoxicated, verbally abusive, demanding, critical, and is just the opposite in all aspects. Better for her up there, 20 miles north. More freedom.
I will deal with that issue shortly, and explain to her why its best where she now is. It isn't permanent anyway. These setbacks are only temporary, she'll have to be patient too. Like me.
My son is supposed to come up and visit this weekend, for one night. It's his 16th birthday. He is excited. Which means that I have to do some driving to get him back home some 300 miles total.
I don't find windshield time all that appealing, comfortable, get sore everywhere after about 30 miles or so. Then, I have to focus merely on the tasks at hand. I suffer, painful. Take meds..grrrr
Can't really help my oldest (unless I had my own home), can't really help my other daughter (unless I had a home), I will try to enjoy my one night with my son (ignore the driving part).
My gf wanted me to look at another house last night at 7pm. 25 miles away. I couldn't do it, too tired, too sore, so we made plans to see it on Saturday instead. Better for me. I will be near there anyway while getting my son. She is very excited about this next home, to a point that she isn't seeing the reality of this home's ownership. Too big, too old, too costly, to much upkeep, in a flood plane, flood insurance, large lot, too expensive to heat, taxes too high, doubling her present expenses that sometimes create a challenge already. Hate to burst her bubble. Be realistic.
It would solve one problem quickly, get us all together easily, but create new trouble at the same time. Financial troubles. Financial concern. Financial worry. Financial stresses....
Trying to persuade her to look at homes more "efficient". Newer. Rather than ancient, antique, old, inefficient. A real challenge for me to keep her more grounded.
I just moved out of a 160 year old house. The house itself created stresses with financial issues. $650 per month in utility cost alone. Depending upon the weather outside. Had a fireplace, and a wood stove as well to supplement for heat. Must not make the same mistake, twice. "Your house has such character and charm". I don't give a fuck, that house is eating me alive financially!
I do not want to go through that ever again. I learned a valuable lesson. Must lesson the burden and strain on the billfold and bank. Going to be a hard sell to convince my gf to think rationally.
Not really where I want to be, neither is anyone else though either, but this is just temporary and possible to fix, alter, adjust, to fit everyone. One thing, within my own control. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's time to begin the communications with everyone now, to help them understand what is going on, and when to expect something to get better. Something good to look forward too.
Have a great day! Make this a great day...

E-Man

Let me chime in for a quick moment, we will get right into it:

Disentangle is the word today. Separate the dramas so they are easier to manage. Concurrently we have health, yours and the gf including all biopsies and results, the government case, the mother, the father, the one daughter, the other, the sons trip, the house your in, the new house, money, the traveling, paperwork and more paperwork, and of course Dr Phil and judge Judy.

Disentangle. When there is a Broadway play, the acts are one after the next, the actors and stage hands both work to separate or section the drama off into small chunks, which gives it overall definition and meaning, the audience then has a chance to recover emotionally between them with breaks. Should the play deal with all acts at once, the audience would become overwhelmed, confused, and splintered.

You may not be able to completely disentangle (in this moment) for you set yourself up in multiple demanding roles at once, you are what Hollywood calls a 'A-list' actor. But even the A list gives attention to one script at a time, fully emersed in the current role.

I am telling you that you have multiple intense dramas playing on your 16 screens at once where you are the lead role, and you simply cannot achieve success this way, or fulfillment, attention. An actor that does this will burn out and wind up unemployed and hospitalized. Washed up.

Now you may not be aware you take on the world are you? Until your gab smack in the middle of multiple crisis, concurrent. At some point in early conditioning you were met with high expectations and a most demanding powerful authoritative command (figurehead) to make sure you accomplish..period. Now the child received this as jumbled signals because there was much on his plate to always do, without the mental maturity on how to accomplish so much being asked, or rather, required of him. He found himself on a merrygoround of never ending challenges to prove his worth and acceptance. When such demands could not be achieved he became hard on himself. That was the beginnings of the physical meltdown of the body. The immune system compromised because of the continual barrage of anger directed inward at the self at fault (guilt, shame). The win (in the child's terms) sought was not completion of the tasks, but in the approval afterward (love). The lack of approval fueled the constant psychological battle in the young mind that simply wanted to be loved. Beliefs became distorted.

Just understanding this will help you in the future to go easy at it. The impatience to get everything sorted quickly, is creating more things to sort, you see.

Heres to disentanglement and a relatively easy day.

It is your screenplay, give yourself an easy role from now on. Simply refuse complexity, period.

Best

[needtogetwell]

I'm -suffering,

Good post and very applicable to so many of us. Thank you for your words.

[Im-Suffering]

I'm -suffering,

Good post and very applicable to so many of us. Thank you for your words.

I believe I was still working on it, it takes a while to get these out, and it comes in chunks. Final was at 9:48.

Good to see you.

[Dahila]

Are you fried already Ch? Crispy on both sides. Eh I will repeat after Pam. stay strong!!

[Enduronman]

Buried under the poop pile! Anyway, I don't have much to offer but my continued friendship. Mine just holds it over your head if you ever have to ask for so much as a nickel. Stay strong my friend, there really isn't much else we can do. I am however missing your sense of humor, I really haven't seen much of that in the posts I've read. Don't lose that, it is one of your most endearing qualities.

Yes Pam. The Giant Poop Pile!
I enjoy your friendship, it means a lot to me.
Yes, exactly. Holds it over my head, even if its just a nickel.
I've asked her twice already to help me with the cost of a car part, only $25. She ignores me, my request, no money on the table yet.
I don't really need it, but since my Dad pays for some of my medications and all of my daughters other fees, I thought I should ask her to contribute. Nope..
I also miss my sense of humor, it was a part of who I was but that has since been lost under this pile of shit. I will try to dig it out, by hand. LOL!
Wishing you the best Pam.

E-Man

[Enduronman]

Disentangle is the word today. Separate the dramas so they are easier to manage. Concurrently we have health, yours and the gf including all biopsies and results, the swollen lymph node beneath your left arm, the ongoing Government case, your bank account was levied by the State, the Mother and her alcoholism, the Father and his tremors and stuttering, the one Daughter is scared where she is living and pregnant with her 3rd child, the other Daughter wants to move back in with you, the Sons trip and 16th birthday, the house your in, the new house, money, the traveling, paperwork and more paperwork, and of course Dr Phil, Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, Paternity Court, your Aunt is nearing death, your Nephew is getting a divorce, your Cousin is getting a divorce, your Sister has moved again for the 100th time, your car needs new tires before winter or you will die in a fiery crash, you are functional for 2 hours in the morning before pain takes hold, and the only programs you can watch on tv that doesn't stress you out is SpongeBob SquarePants or The Fairly Odd Parents!....(sigh)

Disentangle. Should the play deal with all acts at once, the audience would become overwhelmed, confused, and splintered. (you set yourself up in multiple demanding roles at once)

Now you may not be aware of your take on the world are you? (At some point in early conditioning you were met with high expectations and a most demanding powerful authoritative command (figurehead) to make sure you accomplish..period.) He found himself on a merrygoround of never ending challenges to prove his worth and acceptance. When such demands could not be achieved he became hard on himself. That was the beginnings of the physical meltdown of the body. The immune system compromised because of the continual barrage of anger directed inward at the self at fault (guilt, shame). The win (in the child's terms) sought was not completion of the tasks, but in the approval afterward (love). The lack of approval fueled the constant psychological battle in the young mind that simply wanted to be loved. Beliefs became distorted.

The impatience to get everything sorted quickly, is creating more things to sort, you see.

It is your screenplay, give yourself an easy role from now on. Simply refuse complexity, period.

Yes, agreed. Oh what a tangled web we weave. It HAS been like this for my entire life. Issues on multiple fronts. I have tried to deal with them all at one time. Correct.
Yes, seeking a sort of approval that I never really received. Doing my best at everything, every step of the way. Very bright, hyper, over active, awarded in class, awarded on the field.
I have a box filled with newspaper clippings of my Accomplishments. Both in school and in sports. Awards. Honor rolls, math, spelling, baseball. Positive recognition.
I didn't get any approval from my parents. I didn't know my Mother or Father even though they were there in the same house until I was 10 years old. hmm, weird.
Then, I was arrested for the first time at 10 after I hit a police car with a tomato. While it was moving. I was a great baseball player, accurate at throwing a ball, fast and hard. LMAO!!
That was the beginning of the end. I began to slowly erode away. Applying less effort in school. The approval I was getting apparently wasn't what I was looking for, or from who I wanted it from.
I was more satisfied and felt more rewarded by the chemical surge within my own body that was created by acts of stupidity and mischief. Then it became criminal. For years.
Arrests, charges, chases, troubles, issues, problems, acts, then of course to court. Always something going on, on multiple fronts. To much activity, to many things happening.
I more then likely burnt out my own adrenal systems during this time up until about age 18. Caused them to go haywire. Faulty. Setting myself up for a fall, mentally and physically.
Which of course, led me to do the same thing that my Father did when he divorced my Mother. He wanted someone else. He wanted something else that he wasn't getting. Love.
Which leads me to where I am today. The tangled train wreck mess of this life. With ALL those things going on around me, within me, and my worn out body and mind tries to deal with it.
Stupid dramatic screenplays, every where! Pieces and parts that are laying on the floor and ground, that I try to pick up and put back together. To make it look, feel, better...
Essentially, I'm just worn out. Ankles and knees were damaged and destroyed by 30 years of climbing, then the disease finished them off. Back, spine, is the same. Just worn out, done.
I was bound and determined to be something that both parents said I wouldn't be, when I dropped out of school. They said I would never make it. I would fail. In a sense, they were right.
I built successful companies, made lots of money, got married, had 3 kids, bought a house, had everything that one could want or need. Only, to fail and watch it all disappear before my eyes.
I told the Psych that yesterday. "It feels like I watched my own death". That is just how it feels to me. Because it feels like everything is now gone. Basically, it is. Except for me..I guess.
Like James Earl Jones said on New Years Eve in the year 2000, on David Letterman. "Everything's gonna splode"....it did! BAAAHAHAAHAAHA!!! YAY!!!!
Give myself an easier role and refuse complexity. My new quest. I can't "fix" everything. Only me.
Much appreciated perspectives, as always friend.
Have a great day too!

E-Man