Searching for anything good...(sigh)

[Im-Suffering]

Really stressed, anxious.
Trying to pinpoint the major majority of it, and it mostly boils down to living with my alcoholic parent. I hate seeing her get so drunk, every single night. Its making me sicker.
Yes, I have mentioned this to her, many times already. She says that alcohol isn't a drug, says its so sad that I have to take so many pills, staggers around here, mumbles, talks to herself.
Goes in and out the door last night, 23 times! All in the matter of an hour. I heard her say "I'm going to make another drink, fuck it"....she is causing me HIGH ANXIETY.
In all honesty, I think that she is making her life and my life more miserable then it already is. My doctor suggested that maybe I should move into a shelter where I may be happier.
I am taking that into consideration. This place is stressing me the fuck out. I could barely understand her last night. Asking me if I am eating dinner when clearly I was.
She asked me the same question twice!!! With food in front of me, at 7 pm!!!. You think maybe that's what I'm doing???!!!!! (SIGH)...
Got to get out of here today. Going to look at a house with my girlfriend. Then maybe just sit at her house for a little while, away from here...
Thanks for reading.

E-Man

You think deadening you senses with drugs is more noble in appearance than alcohol? And any less painful to watch? Vice is vice. Who is to judge pain? Are you any better because the pain is in your ankles, where hers is in her soul? Are you helping to resolve each other's pain? love seeks to heal. Love wants to heal, the other, that is true love because it returns tenfold to you. You have both given up on each other, and turned your backs from thy beloved healing toward vice, and harshness of tongue. The heart would speak differently. If one was in touch with the heart. It is the broken heart that causes so much of the troubles. I give you more here in a paragraph than 2 years of therapy.

You watching your mother, is not as painful, to her, as she watching you. Some of the alcohol dulls her own pain, and some the vision of you (which you project). Where is the pride in her son, where has his life gone, the value, the integrity of the soul itself? Who's fault is it? Her shame, guilt is on par. You both love each other. Yet each are helpless to change each other's life. So you have one that dulls that in spirits, and one who's spirits are dulled in physical pain. Your lives are intertwined where you both must learn the same lessons and so you are both stuck in a box until you do.

She gave birth to you. And this as a man you can not relate to. The deep, connections associated with the birthing process. Being of negative slant, she isn't capable of positive e reinforcements, but then neither are you. Two people together in a box, who at the core have the deepest earth connection possible, each watching their beloved fade away. Life has lost its value.

You are walking around your house with a mirror attached to you, and if you move away you will feel even more guilty. Although a small sense of relief, that will be short lived. You both are there for a reason, both metaphysical and physically speaking. You are meant to help and encourage, not to destroys and tear apart.

Destroy her will, you destroy yourself, and the original intent adulterated. Two souls in need of love, care, nurturing. You both might not get that this life, so you will do it again. No escape for the lessons, that s what the pain is about. Ignorance increases the vice grip of the pain.

You get it?

The advice of the shelter is poor for this soul. You are projecting despondency upon the therapist, and thus being open to telepathic suggestions the therapist is no more than a puppet. Projecting despondency has returned a suggestion that would reinforce those expectations, so the shelter idea is corroborating of how you feel inside. Be careful how you feel before sessions, for the expectations will set the tone, and you do want positive reinforcement, do you understand?

Build your mother up, stop tearing her down, even behind her back ! Stop feeling less of a man for living there and beating yourself up in guilt and shame. You feel you are a burden, at you age, there are several negative mental conflicts as you judge yourself for the position you are in.

But you are there for a reason....Two old souls/friends that need to work things out, and help each other find a life again. I tell you.....again...things are not always as they seem. Save her life, and you just might save your own. And here is the paradox, save your own life and you save hers.

I am not editing now, eye strain, so if there is spelling grammar, mistype, so be it, work around it.

[Dahila]

Eman when you want to talk you know where to find me. Posting here is senseless

[Enduronman]

You think deadening you senses with drugs is more noble in appearance than alcohol? Are you any better because the pain is in your ankles, where hers is in her soul? Are you helping to resolve each other's pain? You watching your mother, is not as painful, to her, as she watching you. Some of the alcohol dulls her own pain, and some the vision of you (which you project). Where is the pride in her son, where has his life gone, the value, the integrity of the soul itself? Who's fault is it? Her shame, guilt is on par. You both love each other. Yet each are helpless to change each other's life. So you have one that dulls that in spirits, and one who's spirits are dulled in physical pain. Your lives are intertwined where you both must learn the same lessons and so you are both stuck in a box until you do.

She gave birth to you. And this as a man you can not relate to. The deep, connections associated with the birthing process. Being of negative slant, she isn't capable of positive e reinforcements, but then neither are you. Two people together in a box, who at the core have the deepest earth connection possible, each watching their beloved fade away. Life has lost its value.

You are walking around your house with a mirror attached to you, and if you move away you will feel even more guilty. Although a small sense of relief, that will be short lived. You both are there for a reason, both metaphysical and physically speaking. You are meant to help and encourage, not to destroys and tear apart.

Destroy her will, you destroy yourself, and the original intent adulterated. Two souls in need of love, care, nurturing. You both might not get that this life, so you will do it again. No escape for the lessons, that s what the pain is about. Ignorance increases the vice grip of the pain.

You get it?

The advice of the shelter is poor for this soul. You are projecting despondency upon the therapist, and thus being open to telepathic suggestions the therapist is no more than a puppet. Projecting despondency has returned a suggestion that would reinforce those expectations, so the shelter idea is corroborating of how you feel inside. Be careful how you feel before sessions, for the expectations will set the tone, and you do want positive reinforcement, do you understand?

Build your mother up, stop tearing her down, even behind her back ! Stop feeling less of a man for living there and beating yourself up in guilt and shame. You feel you are a burden, at you age, there are several negative mental conflicts as you judge yourself for the position you are in.

But you are there for a reason....Two old souls/friends that need to work things out, and help each other find a life again. I tell you.....again...things are not always as they seem. Save her life, and you just might save your own. And here is the paradox, save your own life and you save hers.

Thank you again for taking time out of your own life, to attempt to assist with mine. Very much appreciated.
A couple of things that come to my mind, although maybe selfish as they will appear to you.
The medications that I have to take, do not impact and or affect her mentality. They do not make me slobber, stagger, repeat questions, speak harshly about people that she cares about openly, or wander around aimlessly wondering what it is that I am supposed to be doing for her to visually see my impairment. I am on the couch resting, or in my room resting quietly. No effect on her.
Yes, she does always say that she is worried about me, wonders what she can do to help, feels helpless in that sense although I expect nothing from her. There is nothing she can "do" to help.
I can see where that would be troubling to me, as a parent, to watch my child or children, have to lay around all day in pain. Although, I would always project a positive image to them, for them.
In an attempt, to make them feel better about life, themselves, their issues and or struggles. I would not let them see me intoxicated, mumbling, bumbling, stumbling, slobbering on myself.
My Mother has always been the most insensitive person, that I have ever known. And, I am not the only one that feels this same way or makes that same statement about her.
She projects an image, and a life, of misery, grief, despair, upon everyone. Although, she is healthy, able, capable, a millionaire, a new car, a corvette, boats, a home on a beautiful lake.
She herself, has nothing to be so distraught over, or about..unless it is just the fact that she can't help me? She can't fix me? She can't cure me? Helplessness as presented and covered with booze.
If any of my children had spoken to me about their displeasure with me for being an alcoholic, and for causing them increased stress, tension, concern, then I WOULD CHANGE THAT for them.
Without a doubt, without question, without ignoring them, without fail, immediately...for them.
I believe her to be selfish, insensitive, and un-caring of my real concern and feelings.
Or, am I the one that's being selfish here in my thoughts as presented?
I do feel like a burden...

E-Man.

[Enduronman]

Eman when you want to talk you know where to find me. Posting here is senseless

Thank you Dahl.
Got to go up to my daughters house now to look at the broken car, again!!!... (I wish I could just afford another one for her instead)..
I dread the calls from either of my daughters. Never to just say hello Dad! Always, an issue to deal with, something to fix, something to figure out...
Blessings to you friend.

E-Man..

[Dahila]

I hear you, I have to ask " HUG ME' before I even get the smile from mine, but it getting easier with time. Our children are different that we are, I think the best way is to help them when they ask. Eman be happy you can have a contact with them through repairs. There will come the day when you will wait for the call and it never comes through. I am dreading a day when my daughter does not need my help)
My son already drifted to another city and we see each other ones in three months. For a few hours maybe. Oh man, I do understand you. Yesterday my grandchild came here and we watched the movie together. It was fun she was leaning in me, and I could kiss her as much as I wanted. One day you will have the same feelings. without the children there would be no grandchildren, and they are a blessing) Have a wonderful day my dear friend

[Im-Suffering]

You don't have to like her, or agree with her, but you do have to work it out.

In the last scene of "ghost", - "Molly, it's incredible, the love, the love you take with you forever", now, that is also the hate, for love or hate binds you to that object. So it's safe to say you both have been at this before. In this regard a movie got it right. Of course the demons etc were symbolic of the criminal mind.

So working it out is _ you feel neutral. No emotions one way or the other, the bond is broken. Carry the love if you work it out, and love will bind you. Or work it out and when the emotions are released and you feel nothing, walk away.

But, if you walk away, or run from, with open wounds I'm telling you, you don't want to do this again. You must learn the lessons. This is my legacy to you, if you get it, I can go and Dahila can have her coveted wish. Although I may not disappear altogether as others do receive some form of message from me.

The message is pretty well empty, there's not much more here. I feel it. You are bonded to her by your emotions, and if one of you should die, there will be unfinished business. So, finish your business and stop taking the moments for granted.

If she were to die, you would be led back through the turmoil to love. Once the tantrums are finished. I loved you mom. Why did you behave so badly? You will then feel badly and in that feeling you are blinded as souls.

You hate that which separates you from a loved object, no exceptions. The intensity of the hate is determined by the imagined distance of separation between you and the object of your desire. This applies to all acts of hate, terror, in society. People hate money because it stands in the way of desires, so money becomes the personified evil, projected onto a piece of ordinary paper. In ultimate truth there is only love, rather love is the fount of which all other emotions spring, and to which they all return. Now, you do not have to love mom again, in which case you work out in therapy how to release, and then you make peace with mom, hug her, and let go. With no feelings, either way you are free then to walk away, for eternity. You will have new friends then, and your bond no more. Just the fact she is mom, signifies the soul gave itself no other way this time, for mom is the most intimate of relations, another words, you couldn't simply walk away unless you did the work. And show the soul empathy for she was to do the most terrible of things, the vice, the personality, just to get your attention. Do you understand? Really let this sink in. Print this, lie down comfortably and really feel it.

You are not your personality, you adopt and use a personality to set the conditions in life best suited to work on your challenges, again metaphysically speaking. So show empathy for the soul that chose to act abhorrent, in order to solve personal and family problems. The goal is to overcome and edify. Then you are free to move on and take on different challenges. But you cannot graduate from nursery school if you don't do the homework.

"Mom I love you, why couldn't we work out this separation I felt? " from a child's perspective, and soon enough with no change in that perspective the child becomes an adult.

This is a main topic for therapy. But don't let them give you quick fixes, to move out, etc. There must be psychological healing first because no matter where you end up, you end up there with yourself.

"She projects an image, and a life, of misery, grief, despair, upon everyone. Although, she is healthy, able, capable, a millionaire, a new car, a corvette, boats, a home on a beautiful lake" Everything but love.

"intoxicated, say I love you", "mumbling, say I love you", "bumbling, say I love you", "stumbling, say I love you", " slobbering, say I love you"

"My Mother has always been the most insensitive person, say I love you" If you want to know what is the highest regard for you to.do in all situations ask self "what would love do now?"


I must say, spiritually speaking these messages have very good information as I read them back. Each one usually takes 90 minutes give or take to get it 'all out'.

I type these posts from my favorite window, in my favorite spot, that seems to inspire me ...so you see what I see..

IMG_20141012_133914.jpg

[Enduronman]

I hear you, I have to ask " HUG ME' before I even get the smile from mine, but it getting easier with time. Our children are different that we are, I think the best way is to help them when they ask. Eman be happy you can have a contact with them through repairs. There will come the day when you will wait for the call and it never comes through. I am dreading a day when my daughter does not need my help)
My son already drifted to another city and we see each other ones in three months. For a few hours maybe. Oh man, I do understand you. Yesterday my grandchild came here and we watched the movie together. It was fun she was leaning in me, and I could kiss her as much as I wanted. One day you will have the same feelings. without the children there would be no grandchildren, and they are a blessing) Have a wonderful day my dear friend

I am going to see my oldest daughter today in Indy. As long as my doctors visit goes well, and she's actually there.
She is now carrying my 3rd grandchild now too. I don't get to see my other grandchildren. They were adopted.
She plans to keep this one though, so that's a great thing!
She just lives in an area where she doesn't want to be, that's why my gf and I were looking at houses, at least part of the reason anyway.
Have a good day friend!

E-Man.

[Enduronman]

You don't have to like her, or agree with her, but you do have to work it out. No emotions one way or the other, the bond is broken. With no feelings, either way you are free then to walk away, for eternity. There must be psychological healing first because no matter where you end up, you end up there with yourself. My Mother has always been the most insensitive person...

I also spoke to my Father about this issue yesterday too. And of course, my girlfriend as well.
My girlfriend said that I am allowing my Mother to affect my feelings and emotions, so work to stop that. Block her out in a sense. I did.
My Father said that people don't change for other people, that they must want to change themselves. Even though I would change something for my kids, doesn't mean that she would too.
He also said that wise men don't need advice, and a fool won't accept advice. I chose yesterday, to allow her to be her. It's her life. Not mine.
I did not allow her to impact, affect, or change the way that I feel based on her actions, behaviors, or words last night. I was actually relaxed, calm, less anxious, and could care less.
While she drank her mixed drinks and became intoxicated. I viewed things differently. Essentially, I just said fuck it, so be it, in my own mind. It worked!
Today is a new day. I plan to see the doc to hear the results of a biopsy, and also visit my oldest daughter and maybe my youngest daughter too.
The point is that I won't have to be here today, at least for 4 to 6 hours anyway. And its rainy and shitty outside so I know my Mom will be trapped indoors watching Judge Dipshit...
Not me!! YAY!!! I don't care what the doc says and hope that they found something abnormal but if they didn't, oh well. Won't affect me one way or the other.
I will still try to have the best day that I can, and then get this appeal sent out to the SSA. Must have hope that I will someday win this case and it will change my life for the better.
MONEY to take care of myself, my kids, get my own place, do my own thing, and get part of my life back..happily ever after.
Thank you for your thoughts friend.
Many blessings to you...

E-Man

[Im-Suffering]

What stops her from giving you money, she is wealthy. And I'm guessing 75 plus years. What happens when you ask, or do you ask? And secondly, why haven't you made money on the PC where you don't have to move an inch? Say, eBay or craigslist or a website. Or whatever.

Jeff Bezos borrowed a lil money from mom, and in his garage sold a few books. Named his business Amazon. Now that's no coincidence, the name. For the little man in stature had thoughts of a giant. Now even a paraplegic can get from bed to the garage and call FedEx to ship his order.

Is there more guilt and shame for taking and receiving money from mom, but not from living with her? Or taking and receiving from the govt is not so bad because of the physical restrictions.

Now I'm not saying your a mooch, you understand. I am saying you make judgements who to take money from, which are beliefs and in truth it really doesn't matter where it comes from, period. You understand?

That statement is paramount.

You've got this conflict - your family has money yet you can't have any, but there's a justification that as long as your in pain it's alright to live there. It's as if it's payback or, "look what I've become, it's your fault" and at the same time you hate her for not giving. Whether it be love, time, money..

Your in a complex psychological web, there's a lot going on here, do you understand?. If I had more intimate contact with you than a message board, I could help you discover the real truths.....and that is the truth.

Or maybe we can do it right here. We are doing it. Give this post some thought. The physical issues are clearly becoming part of the family dynamics. Remember now,

The body does not attack you, against your will. You believe that because you see people moan and groan about it. Blame it, do all sorts of unholy things to it, repress feelings and expect it to behave. (Yourself included).

And, you believe doctors. Doctors believe in illness and disease, not health. Re-read that sentence a bazillion times until you understand it. Another paramount statement, because you have faith in people that look for illness, you see. And none in yourself or your own powers. You even expect issues because you feel that would be beneficial for your case. A child plays cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, fireman, doctors...cowboys need the Indian, cops need the robber, fireman need people to.save, doctors need disease.

Be careful, children, what game you wish to play, for you then create the need for it.

The need for a fire comes before the actual blaze to fight. The need creates the fire. Police because of the need to fight crime, help create the criminal, telepathically sending messages that people are generally bad in nature and fueling the minds of those teetering on thoughts of committing criminal acts. Pay attention, I'm teaching you here!

At least you have this thread. You can go back to my words even when I am long gone.

You'll be a man on disability when a millionaire sits 10 feet from you in one direction, and a judge in the other. You've got money in every direction - you see, yet you must become sicker to prove the few hundred you'll receive is justified. Better to take a few hundred and prove sickness, than be healthy with a million.

You simply must not become healthy, that would be more terrifying. it would jeopardize all you have worked for.

Why?

I don't mince words, and that's why ponder blocked me, he couldn't take it, yet this very moment whenever he hears the word God he loses his mind, thinking mindfulness or another children's game will bury it for him, and block the hurt. in his thread you replied to he was fine and espousing his new found freedom, until one person pops in and mentions The Lord, and his thankfulness. That was the only trigger needed to set him ablaze. Along with his new found freedom. Ignorance is not healing. Read the whole thread you just replied to.

I see what I see, and that's not with the eyes.

[Enduronman]

What stops her from giving you money, she is wealthy. And I'm guessing 75 plus years. What happens when you ask, or do you ask? And secondly, why haven't you made money on the PC where you don't have to move an inch? Say, eBay or craigslist or a website. Or whatever. Is there more guilt and shame for taking and receiving money from mom, but not from living with her? Or taking and receiving from the govt is not so bad because of the physical restrictions. You'll be a man on disability when a millionaire sits 10 feet from you in one direction, and a judge in the other. You've got money in every direction - you see, yet you must become sicker to prove the few hundred you'll receive is justified. Better to take a few hundred and prove sickness, than be healthy with a million. You simply must not become healthy, that would be more terrifying. it would jeopardize all you have worked for. Why?

My Mother has always been thrifty, tight, penny pincher, greedy, an excellent money manager, investor and hates to let go of it. I guess it is smart is some regard but it, her behavior, her actions, are ways, means, methods, that I nor my Father understand. He always jokes that she has the first dollar that she ever made. Having her vast wealth, is something that she hides within, hides behind, hides it from others, acts as if she is broke, suffering, and stressed about..money. People with money fret about it, people without money fret without it. I don't understand the first part of that statement. She is a millionaire in cash investments. I've seen the numbers on paper. I don't know if my eyes had ever been bigger or me more surprised when I did see it. I wasn't supposed to see it. Her money was inherited. I had an Uncle Money, (Magnus) and that's what I knew him by. He was a simple man, never married, worked in the iron ore mines of Minnesota, and invested his money wisely in stocks. Some of them purchased for a single penny. He had also set up a trust of which she is somehow now involved in. I recall vaguely something about a $7000.00 a quarter dividend but that was years ago. Who knows what it does now, except for dear old Mom. I don't ask her for money because it causes a giant invisible wall to go up for her to hide behind. And she doesn't ask me if I need any either although my Father does. He is just the exact opposite of her in regards to money. It seems that money makes her evil is some ways. I don't really need any money at the moment and haven't for a few months, after selling everything that I owned. Plus, I don't really "do" anything that requires it anyway. I spend most of my time horizontal, sore, in pain. The bank foreclosed on my home, which was why I was forced to move into here. I KNEW that it was going to be a challenge before I ever arrived, every day. It is very troubling to my mind.
I am trying to maintain my sanity. Yesterday was a day filled with sarcasm from her. About my doctors appointment, about the fact that the results weren't in yet, about my youngest daughter, about my Father, about a type of sandwich I was eating, and most all of that before she was drunk. I just acted as if I was asleep the rest of the evening. To avoid the sarcasm, pessimism, negativity, bad opinions that I didn't ask for. She doesn't even know she's doing it, or even what she is saying a majority of the time. Just have to evade, avoid, block her out the best that I can.

Today, I must work to get these papers sent out to the SSA. My next appeal, with new information included. To better prove my disability, clarify it, make it more valid. It pays more than a few hundred dollars per month if I win. It pays $3000.00 per month. That would put me in a better environment, position, and allow me to get parts of my life back that I have lost. It won't fix my bad knees and ankles but it will fix and stop these stresses that I must endure while being here. My mind will be at peace, which in turn may allow parts of my body to be at peace too. I will still have physical pains more then likely and maybe for the rest of my life but I can deal with that, just not this mental/emotional pain along with it. I have hope for that to happen. This has been the most difficult and challenging battle in my entire life, but, I have never lost any previous battles before. None. And I have many, many, battles and conflicts to speak of whether physical or mental, I know how to "play the games". I will be victorious. I just have to be patient, and patience is something that I wasn't born with. I've had to learn to have it, to find it, to use it. Tested, challenged, like never before. I will win.

You ask why I don't sell things online, work at this computer, make an income right here like many before me have done or do? You may notice that I am only on here in the mornings for a couple of hours and there's a reason for that. Pain consumes me while sitting in this chair, within that time frame. I am getting very uncomfortable already. I need a new spine from top to bottom. I need new ankles, knees, elbows, wrists too. This is all I have to offer, time wise. I give it my all. Then the pain killers lose the battle, become ineffective. That's why.

You also mentioned my gf, the Judge. Yes, she has money but I won't allow myself to be a burden to her. She asks whether I need money, anything, like my Father does. I won't accept her offerings. Partly because I don't really need anything, anyway, and I don't want to feel like I am a dependent either. She is trying to purchase a larger home now too. On her own, without my income, money, or any financial involvement whatsoever. She can do it alone. She is capable, able, qualified. I will agree with that, allow that, permit that, and will probably love that too. It puts all of us together again in one home. Her, I, and our 5 kids. We're going to look at another home today in fact. We have already looked at one that was large enough but needed way to much additional work, to be just right. There are others out there that will fit us better, we just have to be patient in finding them. Should be an interesting challenge either way and it get me out of here! YAY!!!

I won't ever block you. I also will never make remarks or replies about religion or politics either. I never have, I never will. I avoid those subjects like people try to avoid Ebola. Why? Because they ALWAYS end up in a battle, with no Victor. No one wins. No one becomes less anxious. No one becomes more comfortable with oneself. No one receives an answer that they are here looking for, only more questions for which they can find no real answers too. It throws people off track, off the rails, into another realm of reality and existence. They then try to figure out why they are here, who they are, how they got here, what is their purpose, and all of creation. Way to difficult for anyone to ever understand. To complicated for our minds to comprehend. The cause of Wars, and has, and still does, become the cause or reason for War. For thousands of years...I choose to keep those views to myself.

Another wonderful day friend!

E-Man