Searching for anything good...(sigh)

[Im-Suffering]

Chronic stress, anxiety, panic, trigeminal neuralgia, shingles, relapsing polychondritis, spondylosis, retrolisthesis, tremors, severe joint pains, and disability is all caused by my guilt?
I can not find nor figure out what I am guilty about or feel guilty of...hmmm, thinking.
I like your perspectives. Thoughts. Perception of things as disclosed..
I will discuss this possibility with the Psych this week. Interesting concept, idea, philosophy.
I don't know if I am living just for "me" everyday. I honestly don't have that answer.
Thank you for the depth of your reply friend, another way to look at things, and I will have to dig deep to find this answer.
Blessings to you!

E-Man..

Guilt is age old and its admittantly irresponsible of me to raise it if you would not understand or remember it, but I am trying here dealing best with what I have. Trying to squeeze boundless concepts into words which by their very definitions have limited meaning and boundaries. Guilt is to be felt, if you feel it, it feels like illness, do you understand? The illness or dis-ease is symbolic, period. Now I know this is very deep for a message board, and that is a joke in itself, but we are old friends, and here we have met, so be it.

Guilt is the plight of the human spirit, and the cause of many physical ailments. The ones you mentioned are not unique.

Listen to me, in the course of a life, we do things we regret, period. Now, after 500 years of daily accumulated regret, without the thought to purge them, or release. And with the idea of punishment, rather than what guilt was intended for, you have accumulated repression, which manifests itself as challenges in the current life, or what you call disease as a means to an end, a way to highlight the challenge to be overcome. You want truth? We have been it all, in this human game, as the centuries pass, for what you see in your brothers we ourselves have been. From murderers, to petty criminals, from poverty to wealth, from illness to health, doctors, lawyers, deputy's to outlaws. War mongrels to peacekeepers, poets to priests, mothers to fathers....what do you think we are up to in this game of life. Can you see the guilt stored over the centuries? The human life at some point is a release. You cannot release the pain after you are dead, then you have not learned the firsthand lessons ! No you must do it again ! Then when the lessons are learned, and felt, and experienced, you can go and play in a different reality, we shall call it high school, where now we are in kindercare, period..

Do you understand the above paragraph? (An almost clear pure spiritual message) Sit back and think - guilt in its basic sense was meant as a lesson, ' in the now' - ' ok, I won't do this again', and release it.....the above paragraph in itself has life changing properties.

There are no physical diseases placed upon you, for the sake of a body with no defenses to attacks by force out of your control, and against your will?

It is my fault, I have been trying to reach you since time immemorial here and I am failing - to an extent...you can see the limits of primitive communication, words, to describe feelings - feelings are limitless where words are restrictive - but these posts of disruption will always be here to look back on, so I have made my mark, if you will.

Feel the messages given to you, feel the above bolded paragraph. In a sense you are afraid to feel because feelings bring pain to you. You certainly feel physical pain because that pain is representative of the inner feelings you turn away from. So your body, being your closest ally, tries to tell you the truth amidst all the lies you attempt to feed it.

I want you to make the correlation between guilt and pain, guilt is love turned inside out and distorted. it is meant to turn one back to love after the guilt is resolved. Love is the basis for all human acts. One that hates is only trying to resolve the separation he feels from love, therefor hate expressed will lead one back to love.

When you see your therapist, which I am happy about, work on you....not mom, the kids, the illness', it's easy to divert, bob and weave. "What do I have to accomplish here, to going forth live my life joyfully, finding my expression, pleasure, passion.." And you will see as time passes the pain will subside, the body will heal, to allow happiness in, you see. The body is always willing.

The body has within it the genetic coding from eons past, of optimum health, and is always striving for the best body possible, but it must operate under certain conditions with you at the helm you see. I want you to understand the body is coded for health. And left on its own would return to optimum performance. That is often the case in miracle cures where the personality has simply changed its beliefs. "A change of heart", period, end of message.

[Enduronman]

Guilt is to be felt, if you feel it, it feels like illness, do you understand? The illness or dis-ease is symbolic, period. Now I know this is very deep for a message board, and that is a joke in itself, but we are old friends, and here we have met, so be it. The ones you mentioned are not unique. And with the idea of punishment, rather than what guilt was intended for, you have accumulated repression, which manifests itself as challenges in the current life, or what you call disease as a means to an end, a way to highlight the challenge to be overcome. Can you see the guilt stored over the centuries? Do you understand the above paragraph? (An almost clear pure spiritual message) Sit back and think - guilt in its basic sense was meant as a lesson, ' in the now' - ' ok, I won't do this again', and release it.....the above paragraph in itself has life changing properties. There are no physical diseases placed upon you, for the sake of a body with no defenses to attacks by force out of your control, and against your will?

It is my fault, I have been trying to reach you since time immemorial here and I am failing - to an extent...you can see the limits of primitive communication, words, to describe feelings - feelings are limitless where words are restrictive - but these posts of disruption will always be here to look back on, so I have made my mark, if you will. Feel the messages given to you, feel the above bolded paragraph. (In a sense you are afraid to feel because feelings bring pain to you.) You certainly feel physical pain because that pain is representative of the inner feelings you turn away from. So your body, being your closest ally, tries to tell you the truth amidst all the lies you attempt to feed it.

One that hates is only trying to resolve the separation he feels from love, therefor hate expressed will lead one back to love.

hmmm..
Maybe, I do feel guilty of a divorce in 2006.
Maybe, I do feel guilty that my children's Mother decided to abandon them in 2007.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of having to go bankrupt in 2008.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of not paying my State taxes in 2009 and they levied my bank accounts for $8000.00 that same year.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about watching my daughters both struggle without their Mother in 2010, when the trigeminal neuralgia arrived. Rare disease. 150,000 people in the US with this. 25% of them, men.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about not being a better parent to them although I thought I was doing the best that I could have at the time when the shingles arrived in 2011.
Maybe, I did feel guilty about watching my daughter become a drug addict in March of 2012, passed out, sitting in a chair that was on fire, with the door open and cold outside, with a Grandson on the floor crawling.
Then, the arrival of this relapsing polychondritis in May of that year. Very rare disease. 3000 people in the entire world with it. My Sister being one of them. And the issues, troubles, pain, problems it brought into my life.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about realizing that my other daughter had also become a drug addict as well. The arrests. The charges. The convictions. The jail time.
Maybe, I hold myself responsible for all of this. For their behavior. For their bad decisions and choices.
Maybe, I also hold myself responsible for my oldest daughter giving up both of her first 2 Sons. Both of them adopted into other families. Because of drug abuse, use, addiction.
I have done things, that which I regret, when I allow myself to think about it. In a sense, I am afraid to "feel" because "feelings" bring me physical pain.
Nothing you have stated, is too deep for a message board. I can see it, sense it, feel it, understand it all.
You are not failing, to reach me. You are forcing me, to look beyond where the eyes can see. You have done an excellent job, at making your mark.
I am digging deep within my own soul, mind, at the moment. Looking into my inner feelings, that I have always been afraid of. True.
Your words are extremely powerful, well presented, well put, and have made a point that means a lot to me...
Searching for a new direction, new pathway, new meanings, new perceptions. Very interesting, mind boggling at the same time, challenging.
You're quite an individual, unique, rare, talented, very wise.
Much, much, appreciated friend. Nice to meet you again.

E-Man

[Im-Suffering]

hmmm..
Maybe, I do feel guilty of a divorce in 2006.
Maybe, I do feel guilty that my children's Mother decided to abandon them in 2007.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of having to go bankrupt in 2008.
Maybe, I do feel guilty of not paying my State taxes in 2009 and they levied my bank accounts for $8000.00 that same year.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about watching my daughters both struggle without their Mother in 2010, when the trigeminal neuralgia arrived. Rare disease. 150,000 people in the US with this. 25% of them, men.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about not being a better parent to them although I thought I was doing the best that I could have at the time when the shingles arrived in 2011.
Maybe, I did feel guilty about watching my daughter become a drug addict in March of 2012, passed out, sitting in a chair that was on fire, with the door open and cold outside, with a Grandson on the floor crawling.
Then, the arrival of this relapsing polychondritis in May of that year. Very rare disease. 3000 people in the entire world with it. My Sister being one of them. And the issues, troubles, pain, problems it brought into my life.
Maybe, I do feel guilty about realizing that my other daughter had also become a drug addict as well. The arrests. The charges. The convictions. The jail time.
Maybe, I hold myself responsible for all of this. For their behavior. For their bad decisions and choices.
Maybe, I also hold myself responsible for my oldest daughter giving up both of her first 2 Sons. Both of them adopted into other families. Because of drug abuse, use, addiction.
I have done things, that which I regret, when I allow myself to think about it. In a sense, I am afraid to "feel" because "feelings" bring me physical pain.
Nothing you have stated, is too deep for a message board. I can see it, sense it, feel it, understand it all.
You are not failing, to reach me. You are forcing me, to look beyond where the eyes can see. You have done an excellent job, at making your mark.
I am digging deep within my own soul, mind, at the moment. Looking into my inner feelings, that I have always been afraid of. True.
Your words are extremely powerful, well presented, well put, and have made a point that means a lot to me...
Searching for a new direction, new pathway, new meanings, new perceptions. Very interesting, mind boggling at the same time, challenging.
You're quite an individual, unique, rare, talented, very wise.
Much, much, appreciated friend. Nice to meet you again.

E-Man

Remember the guilts are stored, and not just from this lifetime, if you believe in multiple lives, I hesitate to say, that really doesn't matter, it doesn't change the truth.

A good exercise to release guilt, before bed when you are resting comfortably, recapitulate your day. What did I do today that I'm pleased with, and what did I do to feel guilty about. Did I hurt someone's feelings...then you will say 'I did do this or that and I'm not proud of it, but I will not let it happen again". Now it is released, or often, in the morning make amends with your brother or sister as best you can with communication. then- it is released.

You see by recapitulating daily you will not forget any......or bury any.....or store any.....and that is 'natural guilt' and is meant to heal. The animals experience a form of guilt, but they quickly absolve themselves of any self punishment. The cat and mouse chase each other in a game. The cat eats the mouse. The cat enjoys the warm flesh and the mouse gives its body over to the cat for the sake of fulfilling the cats experience, the mouses consciousness leaves the body beforehand so it feels no pain. The mouse also intuitively knows it can build another body.....animals view death very differently. What we see in animals is what we project onto them. Now I am not justifying killing, humans kill for other reasons, and there is no justification. I am saying the cat does not feel guilt, not in any context we could understand. In a sense the cat and mouse are closer to their true selves, you see. And a cat is always a cat, and joyfully expressing catness, it never wishes it were a dog.

On a side note - I would not dig too deep on your own, exposing any deep emotions before your therapy appointment. Because I don't want you to be overwhelmed, they need to be released, so make a journal in the meantime of future discussions where you can then dig in to the heart of it, in a safe environment, you see?

[Enduronman]

I was really looking forward to seeing the Psych on Wednesday to discuss many different things.
The fact that I feel as if I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, stressed, by everything in general, and my doctor agreed that I needed some immediate help too.
Everything was going great, I had hope, and then a phone call to reschedule till the following Wednesday!!!
I really NEEDED to see this doctor, have an assessment, an examination, so that I can file an appeal for SSDI on a deadline!!!
It was all timed out perfectly, now suddenly, those plans have changed and are beyond my own friggin control..
I will have to file it anyway, and just "state" that I'm going to see a PHD in Psychiatry now..
This tiny little thing, which probably isn't such a HUGE ORDEAL anyway, has caused me intensified anxiety and stress...but of course.
I need to speak to someone now!! I'm ready to snap!! YAY!!!
Trying to calm down now..hopefully the medications help.
I literally HATE things that don't go as planned. It pushes me near the edge. Even something so minute in the Grand Scheme of things...grrrrrr
Have a nice day.

E- (on the verge of a catastrophic mental meltdown) Man.

[Enduronman]

(SIGH)....

They just called me again, I explained the circumstances with my mental health and deadline, they got me in on Thursday instead...omg.
I am NOT going to answer their call if they call again either. So, I guess they'll just have to see me anyway.
Hello I am Chris and I'm all f**ked up! YAY!!!
Nice to meet you Doctor Robison..
HELP!!!! LOL!!

E-Man

[Dahila]

Hi Chris, shoot so much happened in the last three days and not necessary good. I just came back from Detroit and it was crazy. How can you guys live with that speed. I had wonderful time with my friends and my best friend got the message that she is grandma, both of us were crying. The baby is back in old country.
so good time and then you are not ok, it upsets me. Oh life ........Eman you are not alone you know that... you have many good friends. eh......

[Enduronman]

I am doing something now that I would have generally not done, watching a show called Dr. Phil.
There is a young man on there now, that has schizophrenia. He is very troubled.
This program, is extremely dramatic, not my usual choice of programs, but something that I thought I should try to watch..kind of a self inflicted exposure therapy per say.
This is making me very uncomfortable honestly, but, I think that things like this will help me to overcome my issues with the programs my parent watches daily.
Today, I actually sat in the same room when my parents favorite programs were on tv. I forced myself to remain within hearing range, rather than run and hide from it.
I did a pretty good job at blocking out the words, sounds, verbally dramatic tirades and tantrums.
Maybe, I will be able to make it through this after all. I'm trying really, really hard to make my life more tolerable while I am forced to be here.
I can't run forever, there's only so much I can do in a cold garage or a cold sunroom. Must work to change my perception of simple television programs and not allow them to create so much anxiety...
Good to see you Dahl, yes, I know that I'm not alone dear friend.
Make the best of this day.

E-Man.

[Kyle's Weight Gain]

I am a certified personal trainer and I have been on Anxiety/Depression medication for over 15 years. I have gained 70 pounds because of the medication. After trying 5 different medications in hopes that one would not have the side effects of weight gain and being unsuccessful, I have decided to take matters into my own hands. Please follow me on my journey as I lose the weight that I have gained from taking Anxiety and Depression Medications. Like my Facebook page and support me on this journey.

[Dahila]

Kyle you are a spammer

[Enduronman]

Kyle you are a spammer

OH NO!!!!

I can hardly wait until Judge Dumbass comes on this morning! LMAO!
I think that I will make it through this day, just fine.
I plan to try to fix my daughters car, which of course, gets me away from here for awhile.
I hope that this new part takes care of the intermittent starting issues. PLEASE!!! YAY!!!
Then, work on this Social Security appeal again. My gf wrote a letter to them also, using her own letter head. She's a Judge of course, an attorney. Maybe, this will help me.
I have hope that it does anyway! I have nothing to lose, that which hasn't already been lost. Just more pieces of paper, and more waiting for a reply..grrrrrr
Such is life. Waiting for something to happen. Hoping for something good to come of it.
I also get to finally speak to a Psych this Thursday too. I'm so excited! YAY!
Have an awesome day all!

E-Man