Searching for anything good...(sigh)

[Enduronman]

I'm trying Dahl but this shit is getting old and fuggin tiring!!!
Enjoy the day...

E-Man

[Enduronman]

Just another beautiful day around here, it appears.
Trying to figure out my moms angle, perspective, outlook on life, and why she finds it impossible to shut up.
ALWAYS talking about something bad, someone that has life issues and troubles, someone that is in ill health, about her own grandchildren and their troubles.
A gossip hound of sort, as if she is always looking for someone to talk to about something that is going on, with someone else...
She was talking badly about one of my daughters yesterday that has had problems in the pasts.
Then wanted to come in here and tell me about someone else's daughter that has a tumor now.
I just told her (again) that I don't want to hear it and to quit talking about things that are wrong with other peoples lives! She seems to thrive on it.
I told her that I don't want to hear it! She said "well you're just like your father is"...I just said so what! Yes, maybe I am just like my father.
She asked "don't you have any compassion for other people?" I said of course yes I do, but I have enough problems of my own to deal with and I tend to focus more on my family, my kids..
So I tend to think more about them then "everyone else" as you do..She rarely ever stops talking "about" other people be it family or friends or family of friends..
She repeatedly tells the same story about the same persons, over and over again. I find this to be frustrating and tiring to hear it too. Over and over again.
I just can't figure her out. Yes, I care about people I guess I just don't verbalize it to anyone, every single day, as she tries too.
I do know that she is a selfish, judgmental, pessimistic, critical, person but what's up with this "act" that she actually cares about others?
I think that large amounts of alcohol have clouded her mind and thought processes, she drinks every single day. She has done this for years if not decades. Vodka damage.
Alcohol is a poison. And considering that I'm the closest to her, in her home for health reasons, then I get to listen to this dumbshit!! The receiving end of dumbshit!!!
How I so wish that I never had to move in here with her, she causes me more anxiety and tension then what I already had to deal with on my own...I do try to ignore her however.
And I am tired of hearing about the past...always talking about the past...which makes life in the present day, difficult. I hate talking about the past and I forget the events of the past.
It is our opposite philosophy that causes the problems I can see now. I live for the day, forget the past, and have hope for the future. Hope is what I have left. YAY!!!
Sorry for the stupid rant, I just had to get this off of my mind as a huge majority of my present day anxiety revolves around a parent.
I do know how I don't want to be when I finally decide to grow up and mature. I won't treat family like she does and has..I have learned that much.
Going to pick up some more new meds! I can't wait to see what it will do as I suspect it will do absolutely nothing for me.
Such is life. Still in search of something good! I know it's out there some where.
Thank you for reading this friends.
Have a great day!

E-Man

[Dahila]

Well you have no better option right now and you must survive it somehow. yOu do realize that her constant blabber about others is to cover her mistakes and her problems. She focuses on other people not to think and acknowledge her own. You are very compassionate man, probably the best person I had met on net , so far. You are awesome Eman and everyone loves you and learn to accept you for who you are. Does it make sense? I kind of upset after reading the post. Still my kids complain about me . Jeeeeez they should switch places with you ) it is tough for you and it would be for anyone. Do not give up Ch. Do not

[Enduronman]

Thank you Dahl!
Yes, constant blabbering!
That made me laugh and I appreciate that more then words can express..LMAO!!
Yes, to make herself look better to make herself feel better somehow.
She is a pain in the f**kin ass!!!
I am a very compassionate man, I just go about it in a different way then she does...she "pretends" to be compassionate.
Trying to have a better day today!
Be well and best wishes to you friend.

E-Man

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you Dahl!
Yes, constant blabbering!
That made me laugh and I appreciate that more then words can express..LMAO!!
Yes, to make herself look better to make herself feel better somehow.
She is a pain in the f**kin ass!!!
I am a very compassionate man, I just go about it in a different way then she does...she "pretends" to be compassionate.
Trying to have a better day today!
Be well and best wishes to you friend.

E-Man

No...no, no no, and...no.

You need to see her as you wish her to be, in a loving positive light, you picture your world how you want it to be, not how you don't want it. For you create it either way. And that is where both you and her err, in your thinking, you are both alike, and thus your worlds are of your making.

Couple of points.

This was your conditioning as a child, even years 0-3. At that time and beyond the mother and child speak telepathically. that might challenge your beliefs,...good ! Telepathy begins prenatal as the fetus communicates with its new body, and the mother who grows it. There must be constant cellular communication, you see. You begin at that time to not only mold the fledgling belief system, but for her to teach you about the world. You are never disconnected from the organism that build your body for you, and thus she has influence over the soul who needs tools for its upcoming life. A precursor you see to physical life as if you were in the classroom and the teacher says "now on earth, you need this and that to survive, and here is the world view you will have, here is what I want you to know"

In that context, you were conditioned, period. That is where the conflict rises as you get older and in your struggles to determine if those beliefs are valid, or you should develop your own. Now telepathically you still relate to her although the filter is able to catch more of it, the filter of discrimination.

The anxiety you have, the health problems, these can be traced to conditioning, conflicts, and unresolved guilt.

That is oversimplified but I give away too much as it is, already labeled a crackpot.

Her sympathy, compassion is good, however, by the law of attraction she does not know how to relate in a constructive manner. Constructive thoughts would be:

"This person is ill, rather than see them as sick or some deficit, I will picture them in love and light, the bright light of healing as it surrounds them, comforts them. I surround them with my loving energy"

Now that build up the defenses of the ill for they feel your intent, rather than commiserating adding more negativity. And tearing down the natural defenses. If you believed in telepathy, you would think more constructively, you see, for you would realize it is fruitless to offer more sorrow and compound the problems.

And by speaking negatively about her, you are no better than her speaking negatively about another, again, you picked it up from her. You need to break the cycle. As I suggested by seeing a human as whole, and empathizing with the challenges. Then building up the resistance by picturing them as perfect and healthy, happy, joyful, whatever situation they may be in, you picture the best outcome and let it go. Even as they lay dieing, you hold them in the best light of love with no pity, no guilt, no shame, no sorrow. That is not love......although you may not understand, this is all so difficult to word, and also given the comprehension level of the people who should read it.

Lastly the thread title, "searching for anything good" is a belief she taught you, also through telepathy plus word, deed. She is still teaching you her beliefs from your conversation recently. She is searching for anything good, constantly, but searching, she cannot find and thus she is unable to see creation as whole, healthy, willing and able. Symbolically, the searching implies lack, period. Somehow negativity will help she reasons, More distortions.

One should say instead of searching : "Here is what is good" "and what is not so good, I will picture ever better, I will see the sick as healthy - I will see the poor as wealthy - I will see the stupid as wise - I will see the best in people, as whole, complete, capable entities, even if my eyes disagree, for my eyes are part of the illusion" period.

There is much more, but I will leave it at that.

[Enduronman]

No...no, no no, and...no.

You need to see her as you wish her to be, in a loving positive light, you picture your world how you want it to be, not how you don't want it. For you create it either way. And that is where both you and her err, in your thinking, you are both alike, and thus your worlds are of your making.

(My girlfriend has been trying to convince me of this very statement that you've just made. Although, I am really struggling to understand it for my parent doesn't treat or speak of anyone or anything in a "positive light" persay. She bad mouths my children because of the troubles from their past mistakes. She puts them down verbally and acts as if they are still doing all of the same things, of which they are not.)

Couple of points.

This was your conditioning as a child, even years 0-3. At that time and beyond the mother and child speak telepathically. that might challenge your beliefs,...good ! Telepathy begins prenatal as the fetus communicates with its new body, and the mother who grows it. There must be constant cellular communication, you see. You begin at that time to not only mold the fledgling belief system, but for her to teach you about the world. You are never disconnected from the organism that build your body for you, and thus she has influence over the soul who needs tools for its upcoming life. A precursor you see to physical life as if you were in the classroom and the teacher says "now on earth, you need this and that to survive, and here is the world view you will have, here is what I want you to know"

In that context, you were conditioned, period. That is where the conflict rises as you get older and in your struggles to determine if those beliefs are valid, or you should develop your own. Now telepathically you still relate to her although the filter is able to catch more of it, the filter of discrimination.

The anxiety you have, the health problems, these can be traced to conditioning, conflicts, and unresolved guilt.

(The mental disorders, ADD/ADHD, anxiety, and general skepticism of other humans I am in contact or communications with, have been with me since birth. I recall all of that. I wasn't quite like other children. My Sister is the same way. We are both conditioned in an odd way and manner as her and I both were deeply troubled as youngsters. She quit school and ran away. I did the same generally speaking. I was also locked in my room as a child so that my mother could get a break. My Sister was treated the same way. Yes, there were many conflicts and much troubles in both of our lives. My Sister was pregnant at a young age and my Mother forced her to abort, twice. Drove to New York to do that terrible deed. I recall the stories. I had more criminal convictions then any other juvenile in this State, in the 1980's. Multiple charges, misdemeanors, and 4 felonies. I was headed to prison at 16 if I didn't stop acting like an idiot. I chose to stop, and never broke another law instead. That was tough, because what I was doing was fun to me. I was an adrenaline addict. I wish I would have chose mountain climbing or sky diving instead. I hurt many people back then. It wasn't until I actually looked at both of my parents grief, when I was in court for the last time, that I made the decision to quit being a dumbass. I "felt" their sorrow. I then became a good person to everyone, everywhere, kind, caring, compassionate, to complete strangers. That of course, I would have robbed from before. Your words are extremely enlightening to me. Hmmm...thinking, thinking, trying to understand.)

(The health problems? I have a rare disease called relapsing polychondritis. My Sister also has this disease. It affects about 3000 people in the World. It has proven to be something related to our genetics. Our ancestory. The Swedish. I have searched as far back as I can to try to find the answers, the persons inflicted with conditions like this. All I have learned is the names of the towns where our heritage began, when, who they were, when they lived and died, when they traveled to the States, where they arrived, where they went and called home. I wish I knew more. I don't know what it would prove or how it would benefit me in present day but it's still interesting information to learn about and have knowledge of...hmmm....)

(Unresolved guilt? I am trying to dig deep inside to find that now. I would usually file that feeling away, dispose of it, or maybe it is truly just "hidden"? On the surface, I have no guilt, no shame but maybe it is impacting my future and daily life in some way.)

That is oversimplified but I give away too much as it is, already labeled a crackpot.

Her sympathy, compassion is good, however, by the law of attraction she does not know how to relate in a constructive manner. Constructive thoughts would be:

"This person is ill, rather than see them as sick or some deficit, I will picture them in love and light, the bright light of healing as it surrounds them, comforts them. I surround them with my loving energy"

(No, she doesn't now how to relate anything in a constructive manner, or a positive manner. I find it hard to understand how someone in her position, lifestyle, way of life, good health with no diseases or disabilities, with tons of money, with everything that one could ever want or need, can present nothing in a positive way, light, or meaning. I can not relate to her "presentation" or "views" of life. Be it her life, my life, my kids lives, or a friends life, or a friend of a friends life...I am baffled here.)

Now that build up the defenses of the ill for they feel your intent, rather than commiserating adding more negativity. And tearing down the natural defenses. If you believed in telepathy, you would think more constructively, you see, for you would realize it is fruitless to offer more sorrow and compound the problems.

(I do believe in telepathy. I also believe strongly in empathy and the ability to see and feel things that are unexplainable and tough to understand and decipher. I am highly intuitive. I don't always like that either. I have struggled with empathy in the past. I had felt as if it was a curse at one time. I didn't like being able to see and feel the things that I could. I would become very anxious, upset, agitated, angry, depressed, and could step easily into someone else's shoes if I wanted too. I am practicing how to become more "grounded". To protect my positive energy, from energy vampires. They are every where. I think that I now live in the same home with one. Which is why I try to ignore, evade, not communicate with, my parent. Is she a vampire? I need more work to better understand this and a better way to block out her negativity. Or should I just practice how to view her differently? This is extremely difficult for me to paint a pretty picture that isn't really there...hmmm...I'm trying.)

And by speaking negatively about her, you are no better than her speaking negatively about another, again, you picked it up from her. You need to break the cycle. As I suggested by seeing a human as whole, and empathizing with the challenges. Then building up the resistance by picturing them as perfect and healthy, happy, joyful, whatever situation they may be in, you picture the best outcome and let it go. Even as they lay dieing, you hold them in the best light of love with no pity, no guilt, no shame, no sorrow. That is not love......although you may not understand, this is all so difficult to word, and also given the comprehension level of the people who should read it.

(Yes, correct. Speaking badly about her makes me no better than her. I have never spoken badly about others, to others, until I was forced to move in here. I learned this from her, and it is all about her. So, I should somehow picture her as happy, joyful, pleasant to be around, kind, caring, compassionate, when she carries around a black cloud every where she goes...negative energy. When anyone has ever asked her for help, she fights, squirms, is uneasy, unpleasant, and if help is given it comes with rules, regulations, restrictions, guidelines, of her own making to attempt to shape the World as she sees fit, in her eyes, in her mind. This one is also going to be very tough, hard to accomplish, difficult to see, to understand, to maintain...hmmm..thinking, thinking..)

[I]Lastly the thread title, "searching for anything good" is a belief she taught you, also through telepathy plus word, deed. She is still teaching you her beliefs from your conversation recently. She is searching for anything good, constantly, but searching, she cannot find and thus she is unable to see creation as whole, healthy, willing and able. Symbolically, the searching implies lack, period. Somehow negativity will help she reasons, More distortions.

(I do search for anything good daily. It is elusive but I still try. She however, is now searching for her vodka at this moment because it's that time of day here. She is self medicating. Trying to cover up the issues, thoughts, guilt, grief, troubles, in her own mind. She says that alcohol isn't a drug. Says that it's so sad that I have to take so many different pills. I find this time of day to be the most frustrating for her beliefs are idiotic. She will be staggering around shortly. Talking to her dog as if it's a person. And then of course, finding something irrelevant to say to me, about something completely and totally irrelevant, stupid, and unfounded, that no one can do anything about..just blabbering more or less. That's when I will usually say to shut up please, and go share your drunken thoughts and words with someone who wants to hear them.)

There is much more, but I will leave it at that.

Thank you for all of that, I really appreciate every word and you've given me.

E-Man..

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you for all of that, I really appreciate every word and you've given me.

E-Man..

I am struggling here....and thats unusual.......Your mother, is an idea, period. literally speaking. I hope to show you why your thoughts are so important.

First there is spirit, with an idea of itself, it then constructs a projection in terms of matter. It is done quite naturally of course. You do not have to create your body, it is done for you. But you do shape it and condition it.

Your mother than, is an idea image or mental construction. Her image is reinforced by the projections those that come into contact, reinforcing the structure, which first is psychological.

Now, if you see her as drunk, talking with the dog, abusive, or whatever, then her construction is validated, and In certain terms you become a part of it. That challenges you, and brings discomfort.

Seeing the construction as something that it is not will tear down the barriers of the self confined within it, intuitively she will begin to see herself in a different light. You cannot change her,,but you can project upon her whatever you wish....giving psychic impetus to change through your mental projections. You literally see what you intend to see.

That is why it is important to discern judgement beforehand...."she really is good, and that is what I want to see", as you picture this and that.....but ultimately free will prevails, if she does not change and resists the mental stimulus, then she will disappear from your life because you no longer attract each other.....which is one reason you resist any change. On the one hand you can't stand it, and on the other you don't want to lose her. The guilt you spoke of searching for is within this conflict. As a child, mom had to be good, it is healthier for the child to see themselves bad than the caregiver...mom was good, you were bad....to a certain extent now, you put up with it still...it raises a feeling of guilt, to see mom as bad, your flesh and blood. And I use good and bad here loosely for a descriptive purposes.

She may also react to the stimulus positively and you'll have a changed woman in your life. Either way you must examine the reasoning for the attraction and say "if mom doesn't change, and the forces separate us because we no longer see eye to eye, how does that make me feel?"

I hope you understand this, because it is you that keeps things together by agreeing with her projections, should you protest, or see her in a different light, you may lose her, not death now, but go your separate ways.

Keeping this short..er, I can go all day, but I think it's enough here.

[happylife]

Positive thinking always helps me too.

[Dahila]

Person positive thinking helps himself only, does not change other people, too much philosophy here and not enough life guys

[Enduronman]

Your mother, is an idea, period. literally speaking. First there is spirit, with an idea of itself, it then constructs a projection in terms of matter. Your mother than, is an idea image or mental construction. Her image is reinforced by the projections those that come into contact, reinforcing the structure, which first is psychological. Now, if you see her as drunk, talking with the dog, abusive, or whatever, then her construction is validated, and In certain terms you become a part of it. That challenges you, and brings discomfort. Seeing the construction as something that it is not will tear down the barriers of the self confined within it, intuitively she will begin to see herself in a different light. You cannot change her,,but you can project upon her whatever you wish....giving psychic impetus to change through your mental projections. You literally see what you intend to see. She may also react to the stimulus positively and you'll have a changed woman in your life. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS!

You, Mr. I'm Suffering are f**kin brilliant! I use the F bomb there loosely to excitedly validate a very descriptive purpose, sense, or feeling.
I am going to see her construction, as something that it (she) is not and projectively impose, transpose an (my own) image upon her whether she likes it or not.
No more allowing the Energy Vampire to drain me of my available positive energy, positive outlook, positive light, that which I choose to have, keep, and hold. (Even in a World of Shit). LOL!
"I will see the best in this person, as whole, complete, capable entity, (even if my eyes disagree) for my eyes are part of this illusion" PERIOD....
This will be tough to "see her in a different light" but today, I will try...
I might even really just throw her whole day off by saying "good morning Mom!"..hit her when she least expects it.
She isn't going to be allowed to control MY moods anymore with her negative, selfish, pessimism and generally shitty outlook on "life".
A new perspective and image is now in the works! YAY!!
Thank you for all of your help, I do fully comprehend and understand it.
Today will be a good day!
Wishing you all the best friend.

Mr. Enduring Man.