Anxiety in Relationships

[M20377568]

Hello all. This is my first post. I'm sure I'll get some wonderful advice from you guys.

Some info about me: I have struggled with depression since age 10, I had my first panic attack at 14, and I am turning 21 this month. I have been struggling with anxiety for years and, like most people afflicted with this disorder, it comes and goes. I have good days and bad days. I have been to therapy and I am currently undergoing some medical testing to see if there is a physiological basis for my anxiety.

I have known my significant other for almost 4 years and we have been romantically involved for about 2 1/2 years. It's been very rocky at times and its definitely been a learning experience. Lots of scars, lots of stories, lots of heartache. In the past, I almost never experienced anxiety when I was around him (he does know about my anxiety by the way, and he's been pretty accepting). When I say that, I mean that he was not a trigger, as other things are (enclosed spaces, etc.) so hanging out with him was usually a pleasant and easy experience. Even if I felt some underlying anxiety I was usually still able to spend time with him and talk with him. In the past year, however, we've experienced some pretty rough times. Our relationship fell apart this past fall, and long story short, I ended up getting a peace order against him (not the same as a restraining order). But we are now trying to work things out. In addition to that drama, this past year just hasn't been a good one for me. My family has been dealing with drug addiction, our house being foreclosed on, and some other issues. But (praise God) we're still standing. Basically, 2013 wasn't a great year, especially if you already suffer from an anxiety/panic disorder.

So this is my question. Does anyone else experience anxiety while still trying to hold together a relationship? Is your anxiety better or worse around them? I posted this in the social anxiety forum because my anxiety has developed new symptoms. Now, even though I feel fondly about this person and desire to work things out, I actively avoid him. I make excuses and try to seem busy so that I won't have to see him, because he is now a trigger. I can't relax around him and I feel calmer/safer just being by myself or around my family. I have a few close friends and they are not triggers, so its just this guy. I feel guilty about this. I feel tense around him. Especially because we've had some very tense moments in our relationship, when I'm around him, all those emotions come back, and it results in anxiety. In the past, my anxiety was separate from my emotional problems. But now I am experiencing emotional anxiety. I hope someone out there understands what I mean by that. Like, reflecting on past pain causes anxiety symptoms for me now, and that NEVER used to happen to me.

I have considered breaking off the relationship and just focusing on getting better, however, I do care for this person, and breaking off the relationship would result in depression, regret, jealousy... all the emotions that normally follow a breakup. And I'm really not trying to reawaken my depression! If I didn't have to deal with the pressure of being in a relationship, maybe it would speed my healing? It's not that I don't love him. I just feel like I have to choose between getting better and maintaining this relationship, because I'm in love with someone who I feel anxious around! So I would love to hear from people who have similar situations or any input. Thank you so much!!

[Enduronman]

IMHO? Break it off...too many scars, wounds, damage.
If you love anxiety, then stay with him...
You'll be healthier mentally...because you will recover, you won't recover from him if you stay with him...jus sayin. Sounds like a tickin timebomb.

E-Man..

[MelB128]

Hiya hun...im so glad I came across this post...I am new to this forum as of today I done a little post and so far have had no reply but in your post there are some areas which I can relate to...I don't want to talk about myself too much but I feel that if I give you a little insight into my situation we may come to understand each other a little better? I was diagnosed with social phobia about 3 months ago and have been having cognitive behaviour therapy (which I'm not having at the moment because my therapist is ill) my partner...the one who demanded I have counselling or he was leaving is not understanding about it at all and is extremely unsupportive he expected me to go to therapy be sorted right away so that he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore..I have 2 children which makes it harder to leave him as I don't feel like they deserve to suffer because of my anxiety but I...like you have wondered if I would be better off without him...he definitely is a trigger for my anxiety as I never realised I had it until I was with him....I just want you to know that I understand your pain and I'm here to talk to if I can help in anyway at all even if it's just to have a moan about the difficulty of it all...I really hope I can br of some help to you xx

[casstar01]

Hi there! Well first if all I sympathize completely. Just a quick sum up of me ( it helps to know we aren't alone in our anxiety) I am 32 I have suffered with extream social anxiety disorder for my entire life! As far back as my earliest memory. I also have PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and by the grace of god have overcome panic disorder and OCD. I understand what you mean and your delima completely! This is such a tough situation that feels like there is no right answer to!! While my current relationship is a bit different in that my boyfriend is truly wonderful with my anxiety. He is patient kind and endlessly understanding and supportive. And I feel most comfortable around him. That's not to say we didn't go through a great deal of drama in the past while we were still figuring out how my anxiety affected a relationship etc.. But we worked overtime to get through it. However, my concern is like yours in that I worry greatly that since he is so helpful he litterally takes care of me in all ways. Makes my phone calls, goes to the store for me, the list goes on and it's really sweet but I began to realize if anything ever happened to him or us I would be screwed! I wouldn't know how to take care of myself to a certain degree since becoming so reliant upon him taking care of everything. I began to fear I may be doing damage to myself and doing a great disservice to any possible recovery to my anxiety. I began wondering if I should break up or take time and force myself to be on my own and thereby recover and overcome my paralyzingly anxiety in the process- if that makes sence. I love him and we plan to marry and have children but I can't stop worrying and wondering if in a way he is a trigger or holding me back Fromm success. So while our situations are a bit different the question is the same. When I read your post my reaction was to say that yes, absolutely you should be on your own to work on yourself and heal. And maybe, if you really love this man and want to have a future with him you could let him know what you are feeling and make it clear that you want only a break to work through your issues so you will have a more successful future together. And want a future with him but for now you need to be on your own. I think it's really smart of you to see this and that it's ultimately what is best for you and your success. I hope this helped in any way! And I'm always here if you need to "talk" or just need to be reminded you are not alone!!! sincerely, Cedar

[Pierogies99]

If you can't be comfortable around him, it won't work. You don't want to come home from being anxious all day only to deal with it at home again. If you think you can change this, it's worth a shot, but I have no way of knowing that. However, he will notice your being uncomfortable about him, and probably think it's something you don't like about him, which will lead to resentment. It'll just be a slippery slope from there.

You say you don't want to fall into depression if you break it off, but you can fall into it just as easily, if not moreso, if you are in a unhappy relationship, which is sounds like you are.

To me it seems like you are just trying to convince yourself that you should stay with him because you love him. Now I'm not saying you don't, but you are giving serious thought into leaving him. A person in a healthy relationship doesn't do that. I'd break it off, at least temporarily, and see if the situation changes with some time/space.