Please help me with work anxiety..

[sherly]

I am doing my Phd in a foriegn country with totally new language. From my childhood I avoid going out and never been out with my friends. Though excel in my studies, my social anxiety was always been a problem. But in my country it didnt do much harm, but here I am really sufferring to the level of totally avoiding the situations and skipping the school. I dont have any problem to go out and interact with people. But in the school I dont want to go for coffee breaks or lunch or any where my colleagues are together. I totally avoid them other than saying hi in the room. I want to change.. I am sure I cant carry on like this. I am not having fear attacks but just run away before they leave for lunch or coffee breaks. So now I feel terribl lonely and totally not going to school. I am more worried about the mistakes I will make in front of them or how will i talk or wat i will talk?? I dont know to behave like them or mere thought of this make me loose my concentration and I am living in hell now. Since I paid too much to come here, I cant go back. Really I want to fight this back and achieve for what I came here. Once in a conference I got a fear attack and i just ran home. That was the first and last time I tried to attend something, after that I merely avoid all the meetings and I think I am getting a very bad name from my bosses. Pls help me. I want to change. I have never attended any party since I dont drink. Please help!

[Robert Tressell]

I am doing my Phd in a foriegn country with totally new language. From my childhood I avoid going out and never been out with my friends. Though excel in my studies, my social anxiety was always been a problem. But in my country it didnt do much harm, but here I am really sufferring to the level of totally avoiding the situations and skipping the school. I dont have any problem to go out and interact with people. But in the school I dont want to go for coffee breaks or lunch or any where my colleagues are together. I totally avoid them other than saying hi in the room. I want to change.. I am sure I cant carry on like this. I am not having fear attacks but just run away before they leave for lunch or coffee breaks. So now I feel terribl lonely and totally not going to school. I am more worried about the mistakes I will make in front of them or how will i talk or wat i will talk?? I dont know to behave like them or mere thought of this make me loose my concentration and I am living in hell now. Since I paid too much to come here, I cant go back. Really I want to fight this back and achieve for what I came here. Once in a conference I got a fear attack and i just ran home. That was the first and last time I tried to attend something, after that I merely avoid all the meetings and I think I am getting a very bad name from my bosses. Pls help me. I want to change. I have never attended any party since I dont drink. Please help!

My heart goes out to you. I suffer from SA and i'm in Sales! Seek help and be open , perhaps with your Doctor. My SA is kept under wraps because I confront it each day and go through with meetings, presentations etc and apart from shaky hands initially am ok and get a high when I realise I CAN do it!!

My SA is only mild though, more shyness really. Seek help. Be open, not embarrassed its a common issue more common thank you could ever know. Its not ANYTHING to be ashamed of. Your Doctor can help and guide you. Don't suffer alone!

[sherly]

My heart goes out to you. I suffer from SA and i'm in Sales! Seek help and be open , perhaps with your Doctor. My SA is kept under wraps because I confront it each day and go through with meetings, presentations etc and apart from shaky hands initially am ok and get a high when I realise I CAN do it!!

My SA is only mild though, more shyness really. Seek help. Be open, not embarrassed its a common issue more common thank you could ever know. Its not ANYTHING to be ashamed of. Your Doctor can help and guide you. Don't suffer alone!

Thank you for your reply. I tried with a doctor here, all i got for paying her is just a smirky smile and teases. Since I am a foriegner, she couldnt understand what I am saying since I spoke in English and all she can understand is French. All she could do is prescribe a medicine which induce me to sleep all the time. And being a student its too much for me to afford for another visit. Even next week they have a dinner all together in my lab, but I just want to avoid it. Is there any way I can fight this by myself. I need a catylst. I have the will but something is blocking me.

[JustAnotherMe]

Thank you for your reply. I tried with a doctor here, all i got for paying her is just a smirky smile and teases. Since I am a foriegner, she couldnt understand what I am saying since I spoke in English and all she can understand is French. All she could do is prescribe a medicine which induce me to sleep all the time. And being a student its too much for me to afford for another visit. Even next week they have a dinner all together in my lab, but I just want to avoid it. Is there any way I can fight this by myself. I need a catylst. I have the will but something is blocking me.

First and foremost, I can empathize with how you're feeling. I've been/am there and it's a tough situation. You have taken positive steps though and this is the first step in beginning to cope with your anxiety and is not to be underestimated. So many people hide for so long without doing anything about it but even the smallest step is something to be proud about.

The thing I have learnt in dealing with my anxiety is that there is not a magic solution. There is nothing people can say that will completely change your life in a matter of a few days. The best advise I have come across is as follows:

1. Control the situation - you cannot realistically take on all the situations you want to and beat everything, from the first attempt, every single time. If there are certain situations that really make you feel anxious then don't feel the need to plunge into every single one head first. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. Find one small victory that you would like to do, even if it's just turn up to a social event for 20 minutes.

2. Have a vent - find someone that you can talk to. Talking to people on here is a good step and keep doing it but see if you can find more people. Opening up to people is a risk, and in my personal opinion one of the scariest things you can do, but those closest to you will not let you down. It's a leap, it's scary but for every leap i've done, i've never EVER regretted it.

3. Have an escape plan - this links to being in control. If you feel as though you may need to get out, make sure you have a plan to get out. This can be an excuse, a lift to a party if you didn't drive, anything, but the more control you feel over a situation the more likely you are to be in control.


Finally.. it's not easy. It's a bastard. You will fail sometimes but everytime you take a little step, every time you make an effort, even if you fail you will feel this little glow of "you know what, fuck you, I tried and I achieved something. No matter how small, I did that." Each little moment is a triumph, each little step is part of the journey forward. It won't be easy, I really really wish that it was but you're on the right path. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're already getting closer.

edit: With regard to the doctor. Do not be afraid to get a second opinion. It took two attempts before I met a counsellor that I got on with. The first one was useless. I have also dealt with useless doctors who just don't seem to understand. If you do not feel that you have been understood, arrange another appointment and ask not to see the previous doctor. This is really common. Most are understanding, but some are just shit with certain situations. Write down what you are feeling, as best you can and hand that over if that helps.

Keep going and head up. You're far stronger than you realise.

[Enduronman]

First and foremost, I can empathize with how you're feeling. I've been/am there and it's a tough situation. You have taken positive steps though and this is the first step in beginning to cope with your anxiety and is not to be underestimated. So many people hide for so long without doing anything about it but even the smallest step is something to be proud about.

The thing I have learnt in dealing with my anxiety is that there is not a magic solution. There is nothing people can say that will completely change your life in a matter of a few days. The best advise I have come across is as follows:

1. Control the situation - you cannot realistically take on all the situations you want to and beat everything, from the first attempt, every single time. If there are certain situations that really make you feel anxious then don't feel the need to plunge into every single one head first. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. Find one small victory that you would like to do, even if it's just turn up to a social event for 20 minutes.

2. Have a vent - find someone that you can talk to. Talking to people on here is a good step and keep doing it but see if you can find more people. Opening up to people is a risk, and in my personal opinion one of the scariest things you can do, but those closest to you will not let you down. It's a leap, it's scary but for every leap i've done, i've never EVER regretted it.

3. Have an escape plan - this links to being in control. If you feel as though you may need to get out, make sure you have a plan to get out. This can be an excuse, a lift to a party if you didn't drive, anything, but the more control you feel over a situation the more likely you are to be in control.


Finally.. it's not easy. It's a bastard. You will fail sometimes but everytime you take a little step, every time you make an effort, even if you fail you will feel this little glow of "you know what, fuck you, I tried and I achieved something. No matter how small, I did that." Each little moment is a triumph, each little step is part of the journey forward. It won't be easy, I really really wish that it was but you're on the right path. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're already getting closer.

edit: With regard to the doctor. Do not be afraid to get a second opinion. It took two attempts before I met a counsellor that I got on with. The first one was useless. I have also dealt with useless doctors who just don't seem to understand. If you do not feel that you have been understood, arrange another appointment and ask not to see the previous doctor. This is really common. Most are understanding, but some are just shit with certain situations. Write down what you are feeling, as best you can and hand that over if that helps.

Keep going and head up. You're far stronger than you realise.

Great reply!...Veteran.