Guilt and Shame

[humanmale]

I was on SSDI from the age of 20 and only got off of it a couple years ago. I had developed very severe social phobia and depression and became increasingly anti social and isolated. I am nearly 28 years old. I regret ever turning to the the government for aid. I don't think it is bad that they have such programs but I still feel tremendous guilt for not making my own way all those years. I was on Methadone for opiate abuse and living at home when I was accepted for SSDI so it started covering my rehabilitation, saving my family a great deal of money for sure. And when the treatments failed and I began to self medicate, the government paid for my drugs. I still have fairly severe anxiety and depression so each day is a battle. But to this day I feel tremendous guilt over my past actions. I did a lot of really shitty things to people and I try to reframe them but I feel like those few years define me. this is my Identity. I think I am a romantic by nature which leads me to constantly try and reframe my history. But it's just ugly. Has anyone dealt with guilt and shame like this?

[alankay]

Well at some point you need to take that energy, experience and emotion and channel into and making amends by doing good. You were very young and we all have regrets(I do). You can't undo them but can go forward with the opposite action. Do good and help people, animals, etc.
The program is there for that reason. In time you may be able to get off it but for now I would use it. Some do it as a "way of life" and lie about med issues so you are legit which s why it's there. Just my take. Alankay

[Enduronman]

HM,
I was arrested the first time at the age of 10. I blasted a police cruiser with a tomato, passenger front door. The officer was inside. I was an excellent baseball player for many years. My cousin was Roger Maris. I didn't stop there. I had 4 B felonies by the age of 18, and was banned from certain Indiana cities. I was incarcerated with rarely anyone of my own race, color, or creed..every time. But, I was given one last chance. The odds of my failure were very, very high. I haven't failed yet. 28 years later. My own choices, actions, decisions, put me where I was but did they "define" who I now am? No. They strengthened me to imeasurable levels. Those brain failures, gave me the ability to fight off a disease that can dissolve your trachea. While you're sleeping. The point here is? Learn from your mistakes. Forget the past, (you can't change it) Live for today, and have hope for a better future. The prior events of my life didn't "define" what I was going to be, they "defined" what I refused to ever be like, again.

My 22 yr old daughter is a methadone addict/abuser who mixes that with 3 to 6mg of xanax/klonopin every single day. She's had two Son's. Neither of which she was allowed or permitted to keep. One of which, I will never see. Her teeth have rotted out. She picks them out with her fingers, shows me, then when I tell her exactly what to do to get them fixed so that she can eat food, she ignores me and talks about, drugs. Her present day choices, "define" her present day actions. It is her own selfishness and the drug that won't allow her to "see" what kinds of troubles she is causing for me and everyone in my family. I can't force her to do anything, it has to be her own decisions. Will she ever recover and pull herself out of this hole that she herself dug? Yes, but she'll be 26 yrs old before that happens, if she lives.

The fact that you are here and presenting as you have, means that you now "see" what was wrong, what is wrong, and the inner strength that you have found will take you to the next levels of your recovery. Don't lose this or let it go, ride it like the wind bruh! It's your Re-Birth. It's your time, to move forward and leave those nightmares behind...

These events "sculpted" you as a person, but you're no where near done moulding yourself at 28....Now, go find your tools and get busy.

E-Man.

[TrueVoiceInc]

HM,
The fact that you are here and presenting as you have, means that you now "see" what was wrong, what is wrong, and the inner strength that you have found will take you to the next levels of your recovery. Don't lose this or let it go, ride it like the wind bruh! It's your Re-Birth. It's your time, to move forward and leave those nightmares behind...

These events "sculpted" you as a person, but you're no where near done moulding yourself at 28....Now, go find your tools and get busy.

E-Man.

This was a really powerful share! Thanks for that!

[jerilyn]

I say read that E-man's post over & over! That's an unbelievably insightful answer. Clearly, Humanmale, you recognize what you DONT want to be. Take your personal power & run toward the man you want to be. You're not who you were yesterday. You're how you behave today. Make amends if you need to & when you're ready, but guilt & shame will NEVER speak as loudly as your TRANSFORMATION.

[humanmale]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the responses. I know I need to start living in the present. I just wish I had a better story everything is just so ugly. I feel like all of the really horrible things I have done are indicators of my true character which I can trace back to my childhood. My main issue is completely irrational. I look at my life as a story, as I am sure most of us do. I just explained all this but the message was lost so I don't want to again. Besides it was probably confusing. I am currently off SSDI and working at the humane society. So I have made a little progress. I still feel like I used the system. Like I could have done it on my own. I got on it based on the advice of my shrink but truth be told I was so happy because I felt like I could just shrink away and not have to deal with anything. I was pretty severe when I was first on it but after that, though my depression was often crippling, my anxiety had lessened enough for me to get out of the house.

[humanmale]

E-Man, I know you are absolutely right. Like i said it's my romantic view of life that gets me into these thought processes. It's hard to explain and hard to kick it. Thank you though. Your reply is very helpful and I am going to come back to it when I am feeling low. You seem like you have overcome a great deal.

-

[Enduronman]

HM,
When you use the term "romantic" view of life, to me, it seems as a metaphor for "fantasy" or "story book" or "fairy tale". Am I seeing that correctly? If so, I have seen this here more times than I can remember. And it is that "view" of the world, life, and the 100's of things in ones life that seem to bog many of us down. Because the perspectives and self imposed perseptions of what the world "should" look like prevent many of us from experiencing what the world really "is" like. That's why so many are stranded, trapped, strugging, alone, introverted, secluded, and of course allowing this suffering to continue day in, and day out.

What's that got to do with you? You've gotta file all of those things that you say you've done wrong, bad, deceitfully, deceptively, manipulatively, way back in your mind and thoughts and only recall them when you feel the need to re-investigate or re-open them, so you don't repeat the same mistakes twice. We learn, by mistakes and errors. That's why they call us, human. I to have done much and many wrongs and it had been suggested by my Doc that I write a book about this 45 year nightmare too, but that book would be catagorized as something that I don't want it to be. To others, it would be horrifying, to me..it was just my life.

Don't try to waste your valuable time to make the world look like what you think it should, because you never will succeed. Accept it, and yourself, for what you once were and make yourself into, what you now wish to become. We ALL have that same gift and skill, it's just more difficult for some of us to find it inside of ourselves.

Yes HM, I've overcame anything, or anyone, anywhere, at any time, and you my friend can too.