Searching for anything good...(sigh)

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Originally Posted by Enduronman

I didn't get any approval from my parents. I didn't know my Mother or Father even though they were there in the same house until I was 10 years old. hmm, weird.

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All of this because you just wanted love. You see? To be loved, held, told you were special, hugged, and most of all validated. Approved of not because of grades, or what you do, but importantly now - because of who you are.

You are not special because of throwing a ball, or grades..You are to be validated at the very basic sense because you are human, approved of because you are you, a unique, important, vital part of creaturehood. And you came in as a gift to creation, with your own sense of self. Your parents would ideally love and cherish you because of this, and you were to be cradled in it, supported.

It was not your fault, and to this day it still isn't. Your father has grown and realized his mistakes to some extent, while mom drowns her guilt, betrayal, shame, in unfulfilled days of vice, and sorrow. Dad's separation was enough psychologically from mom to enable healing to a degree, self forgiveness through recapitulation. For mom, how sad for the soul to be so detached from love and who she is. But remember, this was her conditioning too, from her caregivers, so in a sense, it is not her fault either.

Now you are beginning to understand, all those things you did were fake, they weren't real, the businesses, the troubles, the winning. While you were busy with those things saying 'look at me mom', the repressed emotional energy was turning toward the body directed in destructive ways, you see? It had no where to go. Even the successes were met with indifference. You were damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

It's important to realize that not only should you stop the emotional rollercoaster, but to stop reminiscing and looking at the past. It was all fake. Pretend. It was, and still is to an extent that child looking for that approval. You've got to work in therapy to heal that child if you are ever going to find yourself, who are you? That boy still is waiting for validation, sitting inside you watching you spin yourself silly when all that you ever need is in that basic approval. You are approved of because of your journey, you are here, and inherently you are in a state of grace, that basic human alive-ness gives you integrity, not for any other reason but that you are alive. The little boy was meant to feel shameful and afraid of his future, bad and lonely, unloved, unwanted. As if his basic integrity or humanhood was somehow corrupt. You must talk to the boy in therapy and release this, heal him, he is you. Do you feel compassion for him? Will you love him, unconditionally? You need him to assist in the body's healing on a much deeper level than I care to discuss here at the moment. But, I hope for you to change your belief, the body is not a lost cause. At any moment there can be miraculous healing. That belief in itself would aid the natural resources of your cells in returning to mobility. The cellular blueprint is health, not disease, and they are always following that blueprint. But you see, you must face your beliefs, even if that means suffering. So you are not working in harmony, but against the natural framework of your body. The body believes in health, while you and the doctors prescribe to disease.

Just like your projections onto mom and her behaviour, so do you project beliefs onto the body, so the way towards healing is to see yourself differently, even if you still suffer, for it has taken time to reach this point, and it will take time for new beliefs to take hold. For example if you pictured yourself healthy and mobile, and worked on that in your imagination for some time each day, you would begin to see improvement in a months time.

Now you must realize the framework you have set up, you have constructed a future that depends on illness, do you understand? Financially, etc. Monies can come from everywhere, not only disability. Your probable future would change and thus the current framework would shatter opening new possibilities. You could be healthy and win the lottery, in those terms. But in the current framework all probable realities other than the current focus are shut out.

It would be helpful to give posts like this to your therapist. Either they would dismiss me as crazy, or it would help them in helping you.

That is all for this morning. I will tell you heartily that the information coming through here is excellent. My guides have just told me.

You, have a healthy, and prosperous day

The post above is complete at 924. I've got to say that because I'm continually adding. But it's done now.

Eman,

Through your story I see much of myself. Is it a sign of our generation? Maybe. The parallels I can draw on my own life are much the same as yours, even though the specifics as different.

The need for love and acceptance is of immense importance, and above all else love and acceptance of ourselves. We both have a long road to travel but I think we've both made the first steps.

Here's to the journey my friend.
Cheers!

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

All of this because you just wanted love. You see? Approved of because you are you. It was not your fault, and to this day it still isn't. Your father has grown and realized his mistakes. (True). Your mom drowns her guilt, betrayal, shame, in unfulfilled days of vice, and sorrow. (True). But remember, this was her conditioning too, from her caregivers, so in a sense, it is not her fault either. Even the successes were met with indifference. You were damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Stop reminiscing and looking at the past. It would be helpful to give posts like this to your therapist. That is all for this morning. I will tell you heartily that the information coming through here is excellent. My guides have just told me.

You, have a healthy, and prosperous day

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I fully understand more things now, then I ever had before.
I was yet again hit with sarcasm the second I saw my Mother enter this room this morning.
"Do you still have work to do on that computer all the time?"
"What, are you writing a book or something?"
Uh, "Well, this is how I communicate with my Dad, both daughters, my son, my girlfriend, my doctor so yes, I guess I have work to do."
I wanted to say "none of your business, and I don't get drunk and call anyone who will answer every night."
I also wanted to say "Yes, I am writing a book, about you and how you are."

So, I tried to dig a little deeper into her mind to figure out why everything that comes out of her mouth is negative, pessimistic, sarcasm, judging of others.
I heard a story that I didn't know of. She was abandoned at age 3 by her Father, she saw him once a year, he was in WWII, an MP, he lived in a one room place, he didn't pay support, he wasn't there for her, he got ran over by a truck when she was 8, and she started crying about it and saying that she wasn't raised well and had a rough life.
Then she started saying that I have raised my girls incorrectly, by enabling them to be dependent upon me, or someone else. Judging how I parented them. Judging by how I tried to fill the void in their lives, left by their Mother that abandoned them. Says that it is all wrong.

I now know where her negative, cynical, pessimism, selfishness, judgmental, attitudes towards everyone else, comes from. Childhood. A damaged childhood.
She has no fucking right, to judge me, or anyone else, regardless of how tough she had it. Just because I raise my kids, differently. Then she raised me or how she was raised.
She carries events from the pasts, around with her, everywhere she goes, daily. Things beyond her own control. At the time.

I am learning more and more throughout all of these word exchanges and I thank you for taking the time to present them to me as well.

I really want to leave here. We are all being punished by her own misfortunes of her life. 73 years ago. Sad....

E-Man.

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Originally Posted by needtogetwell

Eman,

Through your story I see much of myself. Is it a sign of our generation? Maybe. The parallels I can draw on my own life are much the same as yours, even though the specifics as different.

The need for love and acceptance is of immense importance, and above all else love and acceptance of ourselves. We both have a long road to travel but I think we've both made the first steps.

Here's to the journey my friend.
Cheers!

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I don't know exactly wtf this person's entire deal is, but it is frustrating, annoying, infuriating at times.
She will be whatever she is going to be I guess. It's no wonder that no one wants to be around her.
She may not even wonder why that is either..
What a journey!
Blessings.

E-Man.

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Originally Posted by Enduronman

I don't know exactly wtf this person's entire deal is, but it is frustrating, annoying, infuriating at times. She will be whatever she is going to be I guess. It's no wonder that no one wants to be around her. She may not even wonder why that is either.. What a journey! Blessings. E-Man.

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I think in the years to come, our mothers may come to the realization that being elderly is a lonely place when you have alienated your children. For the time being my mom (78yrs) has my dad (85yrs), but she has effectively alienated both my sister and me. Time will tell whether I ease up my position regarding her. She always said I would get back in life what I gave out, well I certainly hope the same holds true in reverse.

Here's hoping your day has gone well, I've had much buracratic bull shit to deal with today and my mother in law, time for a nap.

Smile my friend, it makes the journey a little more tolerable.

Pam

Pam and Ch. You are so right, and taking the lesson from your experience I started to rebuild my relations with my children, and it is working, good good, and making me happy and loved. Thanks my friends :)

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Originally Posted by needtogetwell

I think in the years to come, our mothers may come to the realization that being elderly is a lonely place when you have alienated your children. For the time being my mom (78yrs) has my dad (85yrs), but she has effectively alienated both my sister and me. Time will tell whether I ease up my position regarding her. She always said I would get back in life what I gave out, well I certainly hope the same holds true in reverse.

Here's hoping your day has gone well, I've had much buracratic bull shit to deal with today and my mother in law, time for a nap.

Smile my friend, it makes the journey a little more tolerable.

Pam

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Yes, I can understand the alienating the children aspect very well. She has done the same thing with my sister, treated her the same ways, acted the same, behaved in the same manner, said much of the same things. My sister won't even talk to her, or even call her Mom. She calls her by name. My sis will not ease up her position and I too am struggling to even find a position at the moment. Yesterday, was by far the most trying and difficult day yet, since I have been here. I had sent her a Facebook message stating that it would be nice if we all (me, my Dad, my son, my daughter, my Mom) had dinner together on Saturday night and celebrated my son's 16th birthday. She made it clear that she despises my youngest daughter, doesn't want her around, all because of her past. The past drug addiction, the past arrests, the pasts failures in school, the pasts words my daughter spoke to her by telling her to shut the fuck up, and the fact that I and my Dad enable her by giving her money daily so she can have gas in her car and a pack of smokes too. Yesterday was a day filled with Judgment and it didn't stop until late in the evening. When she of course, passed out. That's what brought out all that bullshit that I did not know of my Mom's childhood. The fact that she was abandoned at age 3, the crying, the sadness, as if she is jealous that my Dad and I both do whatever we can to make my daughters life, more simple, easier, more bearable for her. I told my Mom that we do help her because we feel that we are filling a huge void left behind in her life by the fact that she was abandoned by her Mother 7 years ago. THAT didn't, and does not, sit well with this parent that I am forced to live with. She thinks that my Father and I are wrong, wishes for us to conform, wishes to change how we act, wishes to change how we treat my daughter, when in all reality, we wish that she would quit drinking, stop Judging us, and forgive my daughter for the mistakes of herpast. Does she give a flying fuck what WE think SHE should or shouldn't be doing? NO. She does the same thing, every single day, starting at 3pm, until she passes out. She creates her own havoc, disruptions, turmoil, troubles, mental disorders, misery, in this few hour period of time. I heard her call my Dad and tell him how wrong he is, how wrong I am, how she doesn't want my daughter around her, how sad it is that my other daughter is pregnant again, and I was within mere seconds of throwing the phone through the window, and pushing my parent to the floor while speaking the same words that my daughter has already spoken. Shut The Fuck Up! STOP JUDGING EVERYONE ELSE AND LOOK INTO THE MIRROR YOU FUCKIN DRUNK! She is, and has, alienated everyone in the family. Like Mother, like daughter, they BOTH think that it is everyone else, that has a problem. Not themselves. Everyone else is wrong. Not them. She will never change. She doesn't even know that she's doing it. She doesn't even wonder why no one wants to be around her. She doesn't even understand why my nephew didn't visit all summer. It's ALL because of her. I would be better off, if I didn't give a fuck about any of it but that's hard to do being such a sensitive person, with a semi-rational, semi-logical, semi-sensible, mind. LOL!

I need to simply, get away from here, move out, be gone..with that smile you mentioned to make this journey more tolerable. I may not feel better physically, but mentally I would be golden. I'm working on how to do that now. How, when, where, how fast I can make that happen. I would be a happier more rounded person. This place is creating a huge sludge pit of emotions within my mind. Up shit creek without a paddle. Looking for that paddle now! Surely it has to be around here somewhere...maybe I need better glasses.

My X wife, and Mother of all my children, would not allow them to see their Grandmother for many years because of words that she had spoken to my X. I never believed that this person would have said such things to her, harsh, hateful words. This person never admitted to speaking them. I now see and realize that those words were in fact, spoken and true. This was a major reason for our divorce, it played a major role in it as my X kept my children away from my family. For good reasons, that I now feel. Her thoughts, feelings, actions, were all real and not make believe as I had thought. For some strange reason, I feel as if I owe her an apology for my ignorance. In all reality, my Mother took part in my divorce, and all the other terrible things that followed along with the abandonment, moving out of State with my son, and my daughters addictions, troubles, issues, mental disorders, views, perspectives, perception, of this world and everything in it. All this, I was forced to learn and know.

My brain hurts! I hurt everywhere else, why not there now too!!! YAY!!!

Maybe, this was my lesson and what I was supposed to learn. What a tough class! Only problem is that I can't quit! Shit....

(sigh)

E-Man. grrr

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Originally Posted by Dahila

Pam and Ch. You are so right, and taking the lesson from your experience I started to rebuild my relations with my children, and it is working, good good, and making me happy and loved. Thanks my friends :)

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I am learning lessons that I didn't want too!
I am also leaning more towards making my children feel happy and loved too, I refuse to be like anyone other than who I am.
Have a great day Dahl!

E-Man :)

I guess Ch that it is true that some of us learn lessons the hard way. Growing up in families devoid of love and affection simply has devastating long term effects. Case in point, I am now rediculously sensitive the feeling of being unappreciated or taken for granted. That was seriously part of the reason why my first marriage failed. I suppose I have been so desperate for love, acknowledgement and appreciation that I sometimes find it difficult to see the world through another's eyes.

I am probably the most unselfish and giving person out there. Yesterday I got seriously annoyed with my husband because he failed to acknowledge my efforts in a trying day we had with his mother. She has alzhimers disease and the world is slipping away from her. I am the one who deals with everything for her. I drive her around to doctor appointments, do her laundry, shop for her, deal with the various agencies who see her on a daily basis while she is still in her own home, go tour the various nursing homes that she may be placed in, deal with all her bills, banking and all the various legalities regarding her power of attorney, the list seems endless. For all that all I expected was a "thank you" for dealing with his mom. I didn't get it, and immediately felt unappreciated. To his credit, he often does thank me for all I do for her.

I once spoke of this to a friend and was told " well that's what families do, they love eachother and take care of their own". Well it's a lovely sentiment but when you grow up in a family devoid of affection and nurturing from a mother, it is a difficult concept to wrap your brain around.

Ok, I'm babbling now....

Ch, you did a wonderful thing suggesting that you have a family dinner to celebrate your sons birthday. Go ahead with your plans, even if your mom chooses not to be a part of it. And don't fool yourself, it is a choice she has made.

I wish your son a very happy 16th birthday! So hide the keys to your car cause you know that's next! Lol

Cheers my friend, here's to a day where we both find reasons to smile!

Pam

Yeah go ahead and plan it, do not put attention on people who do not make an effort. They are not worth the time and the pain, have a good day people

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Originally Posted by needtogetwell

I guess Ch that it is true that some of us learn lessons the hard way. (Growing up in families devoid of love and affection simply has devastating long term effects.) Case in point, I am now (rediculously sensitive) the feeling of being unappreciated or taken for granted. That was seriously part of the reason why my first marriage failed. I suppose I have been so desperate for love, acknowledgement and appreciation that I sometimes (find it difficult to see the world through another's eyes.)

(I am probably the most unselfish and giving person out there.) Yesterday I got seriously annoyed with my husband because he failed to acknowledge my efforts in a trying day we had with his mother. She has alzhimers disease and the world is slipping away from her. I am the one who deals with everything for her. I drive her around to doctor appointments, do her laundry, shop for her, deal with the various agencies who see her on a daily basis while she is still in her own home, go tour the various nursing homes that she may be placed in, deal with all her bills, banking and all the various legalities regarding her power of attorney, the list seems endless. (For all that all I expected was a "thank you" for dealing with his mom. I didn't get it, and immediately felt unappreciated.) To his credit, he often does thank me for all I do for her.

I once spoke of this to a friend and was told " well that's what families do, they love eachother and take care of their own". Well it's a lovely sentiment but when you (grow up in a family devoid of affection and nurturing from a mother, it is a difficult concept to wrap your brain around.)

Ok, I'm babbling now....

Ch, you did a wonderful thing suggesting that you have a family dinner to celebrate your sons birthday. Go ahead with your plans, even if your mom chooses not to be a part of it. And don't fool yourself, it is a choice she has made.

I wish your son a very happy 16th birthday! So hide the keys to your car cause you know that's next! Lol

Cheers my friend, here's to a day where we both find reasons to smile!

Pam

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Very wise words friend. I can empathize with most all of that except for the position that you're in and caring for your Mother in law, that has got to be extremely tough and hard on you. I truly admire your effort, patience, sympathy, compassion in every regard. Babbling is good Pam, babble all you want. I do, and it helps me to think things through in ways that I generally wouldn't. Plus, there are very helpful people here as well. It all just seems to make more sense, easier to understand. In a world filled with difficulty and misunderstandings nearly everywhere we turn.

Today, I decided to spend my day in my room. Away from the person that makes me feel like I will never be cheerful again. After yesterdays emotional vomit and meltdown, I now know why my sister would never come out of her room when she was here either. I learned so so much about my parent. It still gives her no excuse or reasons or permissions to treat people as she does, behaves as she does. There is so much more I could say, but I won't. I will just sit here and enjoy some actual peace, quiet, and less anxiety too. Hell I even laid here and laughed for a minute, amused myself by sending my Dad and daughter some stupid texts about being in this prison complete with all amenities. It could always be worse I suppose.

Thank you for the birthday wishes too friend!

Hopes we can find reasons to smile soon!! YAY!!!

E-Man :)

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Originally Posted by Dahila

Yeah go ahead and plan it, do not put attention on people who do not make an effort. They are not worth the time and the pain, have a good day people

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You got that right Dahl!
You have a good day as well friend.

E-Man :)

Going to make this day a good day, I have hope for that anyway.
Will be picking up my son in an hour or so, and then looking at a potential house to live in, besides here! LOL!!
I am trying to keep my anxiety levels down by avoiding certain anxiety triggers. Anxiety still found its way into my room but I managed it with positive thoughts.
Gotta get ready to go now, wishing you all a great day!
Blessings. :)

E-Man :)

grrrrr..
He's going to be late, because his Mother is always late.
Thank God for cell phones! I would have been sitting there for awhile.
He just crossed the bridge in Louisville. 120 miles to go! LMAO!!
NOT going to let it bother me, its just how she is and always was. She has her own time, at her own pace, that was NEVER in sync with anything or anyone else. BAAHA!!
We couldn't even make it next door for Christmas dinner by 6pm, with all day to prepare...such great times.
Hopes for an awesome day! YAY!!

E-Man. :)

Ok Mr. Grrrr, yes it sucks that he is going to be late but at least he is still on his way. Positive my friend, stay positive.!

This day has the potential to be a sore cheek day from all the smiling and laughing you are going to do!

Not only are you going to see your boy, you could very well find a new place to live! When you go to see the house, look for all the reasons it would work, rather than why it won't. I'm not telling you to accept something which isn't suitable, I'm just asking you look for the good, even if it isn't your dream home. As far as I'm concerned, as long as it meets the basic requirements, it's the people in the home that makes it the dream!

Enjoy your day my friend, and let us know how it goes!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Cheers!
Pam

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Originally Posted by needtogetwell

Ok Mr. Grrrr, yes it sucks that he is going to be late but at least he is still on his way. Positive my friend, stay positive.!

This day has the potential to be a sore cheek day from all the smiling and laughing you are going to do!

Not only are you going to see your boy, you could very well find a new place to live! When you go to see the house, look for all the reasons it would work, rather than why it won't. I'm not telling you to accept something which isn't suitable, I'm just asking you look for the good, even if it isn't your dream home. As far as I'm concerned, as long as it meets the basic requirements, it's the people in the home that makes it the dream!

Enjoy your day my friend, and let us know how it goes!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Cheers!
Pam

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Yes, Mr. Grrrrr..I did finally get my boy and we did go and look at that house too. It had 3 tiny bedrooms, a giant full bath off of the dining room (weird), no storm windows (built in 1895), a small living room, a 50's style kitchen (which my gf actually liked), and I looked at it with a positive eye too! It just won't work for us. It's also in the flood plane, across from a cemetery so when you're doing dishes you're looking at grave stones, and had a giant yard for which I can't mow at the moment and she hates yard work too. All in all, considering all these variables and also the $150K price tag, high taxes, high insurance, it was not the best fit for her, I, and potentially 5 kids at any one time. NOTTA!!! Just have to keep looking, searching, viewing different places. There are other options available for us, we'll just have to be patient which is something that we both struggle with.

I am doing my best to enjoy the day otherwise. Visiting with all 3 of my kids, and my Dad too. A nice, relaxing, break from the mess and mayhem I usually live in. My son asked me what we're going to do tomorrow? I said well, considering I walk around like I'm a zombie from The Walking Dead show, probably nothing. I'm sore as all hell just from driving a damn car around all day. Taking handfuls of pills to control it, yet they don't make me feel "good". I feel like shit. My doc is on vacation this week so I will be going back again next week to discuss all this with her, again. Always sore, always tired, always feel like a piece of shit but taking everything that they say to help me. It isn't working very well.

Also go back to the Psych again on Monday too. The first two visits have just been filled with questions about me, my life, my illnesses, aches, pains, thoughts, issues, and I haven't been offered any real useful advice or suggestions yet other than him saying that I need to be on an anti-depressant. I will discuss that issue with the doc when she returns. Maybe just try some Prozac again as it did seem to be helpful but that was years ago. I just don't know what to do at this point. I've got every other medication on the market, besides AD's. (sigh)...

Other than all that, doing ok. Sitting here with my kids and Dad. It is definitely a different world when I am around them...much needed, much appreciated, much fulfillment, the best things in life are my kids even if they aren't doing everything right, according to someone else's view. I still love them anyway.

Have a great day Pam! Wishing you the best friend.

E-Man :)

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Originally Posted by Enduronman

Yes, Mr. Grrrrr..I did finally get my boy and we did go and look at that house too. It had 3 tiny bedrooms, a giant full bath off of the dining room (weird), no storm windows (built in 1895), a small living room, a 50's style kitchen (which my gf actually liked), and I looked at it with a positive eye too! It just won't work for us. It's also in the flood plane, across from a cemetery so when you're doing dishes you're looking at grave stones, and had a giant yard for which I can't mow at the moment and she hates yard work too. All in all, considering all these variables and also the $150K price tag, high taxes, high insurance, it was not the best fit for her, I, and potentially 5 kids at any one time. NOTTA!!! Just have to keep looking, searching, viewing different places. There are other options available for us, we'll just have to be patient which is something that we both struggle with.

I am doing my best to enjoy the day otherwise. Visiting with all 3 of my kids, and my Dad too. A nice, relaxing, break from the mess and mayhem I usually live in. My son asked me what we're going to do tomorrow? I said well, considering I walk around like I'm a zombie from The Walking Dead show, probably nothing. I'm sore as all hell just from driving a damn car around all day. Taking handfuls of pills to control it, yet they don't make me feel "good". I feel like shit. My doc is on vacation this week so I will be going back again next week to discuss all this with her, again. Always sore, always tired, always feel like a piece of shit but taking everything that they say to help me. It isn't working very well.

Also go back to the Psych again on Monday too. The first two visits have just been filled with questions about me, my life, my illnesses, aches, pains, thoughts, issues, and I haven't been offered any real useful advice or suggestions yet other than him saying that I need to be on an anti-depressant. I will discuss that issue with the doc when she returns. Maybe just try some Prozac again as it did seem to be helpful but that was years ago. I just don't know what to do at this point. I've got every other medication on the market, besides AD's. (sigh)...

Other than all that, doing ok. Sitting here with my kids and Dad. It is definitely a different world when I am around them...much needed, much appreciated, much fulfillment, the best things in life are my kids even if they aren't doing everything right, according to someone else's view. I still love them anyway.

Have a great day Pam! Wishing you the best friend.

E-Man :)

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Why don't you buy new construction. Symbolic of your new life together, a new start. Pick your floorplan, paint, cabinets, appliances, everything together. Someplace with a new history waiting to be made, as a family. Its part of putting the past behind you, and it would give you much needed vitality, and a new exciting outlook.

Move in with new furniture, pick it together. This probable choice of action will help speed up your case and get you your monies quickly because it would give you the impetus and need for a firm decision to quit the drama and get it settled. You would simply need the money, thus it would come. You would put the mom-drama behind you because that doesn't fit with the new plans. New plans, new blueprint, new construction, new furniture, new outlook, new money, new body, new feelings, new outlook, new life....

Lift your esteem up (artificially at first), until its sufficiently high enough where everyone around you sees you differently, literally. The main problem is you have not yet in any case or any issue made a firm decision. Decisions begin to form reality immediately in accord with the state of mind. The problem is, you have forgotten how to make decisions. Let me remind you of times in life you just up and went or took action regardless of any critique or any one, you acted at once and burned every bridge behind you even if that course was into the unknown and safety was not guaranteed. Either you act on your decision or you perish. That is a decision. Decide enough is enough

There are several decisions to make, each of you know instinctively what you need to do. The natural offshoots of indecision are fear, worry, doubt.

Period.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

Why don't you buy new construction. Symbolic of your new life together, a new start. Pick your floorplan, paint, cabinets, appliances, everything together. Someplace with a new history waiting to be made, as a family. Its part of putting the past behind you, and it would give you much needed vitality, and a new exciting outlook.

Move in with new furniture, pick it together. This probable choice of action will help speed up your case and get you your monies quickly because it would give you the impetus and need for a firm decision to quit the drama and get it settled. You would simply need the money, thus it would come. You would put the mom-drama behind you because that doesn't fit with the new plans. New plans, new blueprint, new construction, new furniture, new outlook, new money, new body, new feelings, new outlook, new life....

Lift your esteem up (artificially at first), until its sufficiently high enough where everyone around you sees you differently, literally. The main problem is you have not yet in any case or any issue made a firm decision. Decisions begin to form reality immediately in accord with the state of mind. The problem is, you have forgotten how to make decisions. Let me remind you of times in life you just up and went or took action regardless of any critique or any one, you acted at once and burned every bridge behind you. Either you act on your decision or you perish. That is a decision. Decide enough is enough

Period.

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I would love to look at new construction but I believe my gf is dead set on having an old inefficient house. There is some over there already done, 5 bdrms, 3 baths, and in her price range too. Not real sure how to convince her otherwise but I will try anyway. I just have a real problem with her or I having to write hefty checks to the utility companies. It makes no sense to me, when there is a better alternative. Newer construction! YAY!!!

Yes, need to put this bullshit mom-drama behind me ASAP. When we got here, she was talking on the phone to someone about her tough childhood and made a remark that I thought she had it made. She is extremely disturbed. I am avoiding her. My son is talking to her now. I hope that she doesn't corrupt his mind with her bullshit. She is damaged. At least that's what my Dad told me today. Upset with him, her other X, and everyone else in the world too that crosses her path. It will be a blessing to get out of this place! New everything! She is essentially just an anchor at the moment. Gotta cut the line! :)

Working to lift my esteem. Yes, there were many time that I just up, went, and took action. I am ready!

Thank you friend. Very kind of you.

E-Man :)

Older house have a charm, but with the winter very cold the price of heat is enormous, the A/C takes so much away. I am fun of newer houses also. 100 years house: must take all the walls off, redo the instalation, put a new isolation on and .....put the walls coaking, paint ..............
100 years old house in Europe is a decent house, but it was not build with wood and paper like the ones we live.. I do not complain though, i like when my wall is warm instead of brick cold:)
Older houses are very expensive to take care off. What is happening with your mom is very sad, very sad indeed. Keep strong my friend, :)

Hi Enduroman? How are you doing???

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

Remember, newness is symbolic, period. Out with the old. Get a puppy, also highly symbolic of motion and mobility. Helping you increase your range. A puppy or kitten would open the love centers where the heart has closed. In that context puppies have treated and healed more broken hearts than surgery.

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Hi Im Suffering...How are you doing???

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

Remember, newness is symbolic, period. Out with the old. Get a puppy, also highly symbolic of motion and mobility. Helping you increase your range. A puppy or kitten would open the love centers where the heart has closed. In that context puppies have treated and healed more broken hearts than surgery.

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Eman had a puppy, he could not take care of it, so he found him good owners with huge yard

have you considered going gluten free ? check it out on google . strong link to mental disorders and wheat . i tried it an boom , anxiety and depression gone! after 35 years of pain

robanski thank you for the advice, we are bunch of idiots here:)))
Very impressing

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dahila

Older house have a charm, but with the winter very cold the price of heat is enormous, the A/C takes so much away. I am fun of newer houses also. 100 years house: must take all the walls off, redo the instalation, put a new isolation on and .....put the walls coaking, paint ..............
100 years old house in Europe is a decent house, but it was not build with wood and paper like the ones we live.. I do not complain though, i like when my wall is warm instead of brick cold:)
Older houses are very expensive to take care off. What is happening with your mom is very sad, very sad indeed. Keep strong my friend, :)

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My old house was built in 1858. Solid brick, no insulation, 11' ceilings. It did have some charm, character, but it was a real drain on me to keep it cool and to heat it too. In all honesty, I don't miss the house I just miss the freedom, alone time, peace, quiet and the ability to have some real relaxation. I couldn't get up and down the stairs easily but I knew my daughters were up there and that they were happy, safe, fed, cared for. I don't get any of that now. That's what I miss. I miss being with them the most. Even if they were stressing me out, it was a kind of stress that I knew how to deal with and handle. A stress that I could change. Issues that I could adjust, correct, and help. I lost them, I lost the house 3 1/2 months ago. Seeing them yesterday was so very nice. They gave me a sense of calm just by being with them even though neither of them, are where they want to be. They want to be with me. I'm working on that part now too of course. I know that I just need to be patient but this shit sucks ass. Taking my son back to Louisville today isn't going to be fun either. I will miss him and think of him often afterwards. He's 16 today. His day of birth. He is a blessing. I will be with him again at Christmas, and then will be looking forward to the day that he can move away from his Mother too. I envision that all 3 of my kids will be in my same home with me in the future. Just have to be patient, hope, wait for that day. We will be together again...

Doing my best to avoid the Mom drama! LOL!! She doesn't even know that she creates it. Yes, very sad indeed.

Have a great day Dahl!

E-Man :)

I can relate E-man. My house is dated as pre 1900. when i bought it the place was in shambles. 14 years later i am still working on it and after last winter i wish i would have insulated it first. The stairs in my house are the old very steep stairs that would not make code in todays standards. I remodeled the upstairs the second year i was here and after many falls down the damn stairs i do not go up stairs unless i have to stop the kids from fighting or something needs fixed. Ever since the recession it's been a struggle just to keep the house and pay bills. The good old "American dream"aint quite what it used to be. I guess thats why the rental market is booming now. Enough rambling and i do feel your pain. Peace

Happy Sunday Ch,

After reading yours and Johns accounts of living in pre-1900 homes, the romantic notion I've always had about them had completely gone out the window!

I don't always agree with I'm-suffering, but his idea of something new really sounds good. I certainly don't regret buying my house brand new 14 years ago. Only now am I having to consider some fairly major repairs, the shingles are going so next spring I have to have the roof done. They will probably last a few more years but I'm thinking I better do it sooner than later.

I hope you can convince your girlfriend to consider something new, for the money you are talking about you must be able to find something really nice.

Have a wonderful day friends,

Cheers
Pam

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JohnC

I can relate E-man. My house is dated as pre 1900. when i bought it the place was in shambles. 14 years later i am still working on it and after last winter i wish i would have insulated it first. The stairs in my house are the old very steep stairs that would not make code in todays standards. I remodeled the upstairs the second year i was here and after many falls down the damn stairs i do not go up stairs unless i have to stop the kids from fighting or something needs fixed. (Ever since the recession it's been a struggle just to keep the house and pay bills. The good old "American dream"aint quite what it used to be.) I guess thats why the rental market is booming now. Enough rambling and i do feel your pain. Peace

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Hey John! Yes, my then wife wanted an old house so I bought it in 98. In the early years there, when I was younger and healthy, things didn't seem to be as tough to deal with. Or maybe I just didn't pay much attention to it then. I didn't really have time too as I was just way too busy with working, trying to make money, to pay all the bills. The utilities weren't as high as they became. I also threw a lot of money into the house, the kitchen especially although I was fine with the kitchen the way that it was, my wife wasn't. Then, it did just become a chore and challenge to be sure that everything was paid. I know the feeling about that struggle to keep the house, pay the bills. If only We the People would have gotten a bailout..we suffered.

Ramble all you want to friend, it helps us to sort things out in our minds.

Blessings John.

E-Man :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by needtogetwell

Happy Sunday Ch,

After reading yours and Johns accounts of living in pre-1900 homes, the romantic notion I've always had about them had completely gone out the window!

I don't always agree with I'm-suffering, but his idea of something new really sounds good. I certainly don't regret buying my house brand new 14 years ago. Only now am I having to consider some fairly major repairs, the shingles are going so next spring I have to have the roof done. They will probably last a few more years but I'm thinking I better do it sooner than later.

I hope you can convince your girlfriend to consider something new, for the money you are talking about you must be able to find something really nice.

Have a wonderful day friends,

Cheers
Pam

---

Yes Pam. Try to avoid that romantic notion at all costs! My house literally ate me alive both mind, body, and soul. $600.00 a month gas bills! Just to keep it 65 degrees inside. We were always cold unless I had a fire going in both the fireplace and the wood stove too. I can truly empathize with you about the roofing project. That's what I did for 30 years. Strenuous, labor intensive, hard on this old body. Part of the reason that I can hardly walk anymore. My body is shot. And the cost of roofing materials skyrocketed in the past 5 years or so too. They doubled in price. They blamed it on increased cost of oil. I blame it on the recession. Selling less product, so they must charge higher prices for the product that they do sell. There used to be a project taking place at every corner or block, now, there is nothing taking place and everyone is out of work to do. I've called many roofing companies to try to sell some of my equipment, none of them are interested because they have no work, no money, no backlog of things to do. We are still in a recession here and everyone is hanging on to their money. Now that was rambling! YAY!!!

I hope I can convince her to look at newer homes too but she said last night that she can't envision herself living in a new home. It may be a tough sell for her. I'm 100% for it though! Less maintenance, less upkeep, less expendatures, less utilities costs, would make me a happier man. I don't want to go through what I went through, again. Or for her to be money stressed either. Because she will be.

Have a great day Pam!

E-Man :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 1Bluerose68

Hi Enduroman? How are you doing???

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Hanging in there Blue!
How are you doing?

Enjoy the day friend.

E-Man :)

Don't even mention shingles, lol. The first thing i did when i got this place in 2000 beside replumb the place was take off a old leaking tin roof and put shingles on it. When i tore the tin off there was wooden shake shingles underneath! What a job that turned out to be. Did i mention that i don't like heights. The plan was to have the whole house done in 10 years, 14 years later i still have one room to go on the inside and insulation and siding on the outside. Hell, the stuff i did 14 years ago is starting to need repair! At 49 i do not recoup from the pain and soreness like i used to. They say getting old aint for sissies but just thinking about it gives me a PANIC attack! :) Peace all

How are ya'll this Sunday? Just a quick chime in on topic and before the next therapy appt.

Many psychiatrist and psychologists now realise that a disturbed client cannot be helped sufficiently unless the individual is considered along with his or her relationship to the family unit.

The same idea applies to physical illness as well. It is possible, however, to carry this idea even further, so that a person in poor health should be seen by the physician in relationship to the family and also in relationship to the environment. Old-time family doctors understood the patient’s sensitivity to family members and to the environment, of course, and they often felt a lively sympathy and understanding that the practitioners of modern medicine often seem to have forgotten.

Also on the subject of genetics, I have heard the questions regarding illness.

Beliefs do indeed bring about physical alterations. They can even – and often do – change genetic messages.

There are diseases that people believe are inherited, carried from one generation to another by a faulty genetic communication. Obviously, many people with, for example, a genetic heritage of arthritis, do not come down with the disease themselves, while others indeed are so afflicted. The difference is one of belief.

The people who have accepted the suggestion uncritically that they will inherit such a malady do then seem to inherit it: they experience the symptoms. Actually the belief itself may have turned a healthy genetic message into an unhealthy one.

Best wishes for a good session tomorrow is it not?

Also, do your own research on new construction, take a trip by yourself to the sales office and pick up blueprints/brochures, when you find something magnificent surprise her, show her the model home (or a few different homes)and or floorplans. She will enjoy that. Imaginings would not do justice for her as much as an actual walkthrough. Then you will at least have made your final decision on concrete experience and neither one of you will have regrets because you would have explored all possibilities.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JohnC

Don't even mention shingles, lol. The first thing i did when i got this place in 2000 beside replumb the place was take off a old leaking tin roof and put shingles on it. When i tore the tin off there was wooden shake shingles underneath! What a job that turned out to be. Did i mention that i don't like heights. The plan was to have the whole house done in 10 years, 14 years later i still have one room to go on the inside and insulation and siding on the outside. Hell, the stuff i did 14 years ago is starting to need repair! At 49 i do not recoup from the pain and soreness like i used to. They say getting old aint for sissies but just thinking about it gives me a PANIC attack! :) Peace all

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I worked on many homes that had the wood shingles beneath 4 layers of shingles, those were the dirtiest jobs ever! And the most expensive too. Redecking, all those little nails, dust, soot, nasty. I climbed on roofs that were 22 pitch, and 70' in the air. I loved the heights! LOL! I also know all about soreness. I've been dealing with constant soreness for 28 friggin months solid, non stop, and all kinds of meds to help it too. I feel like a zombie. You'll get it done John, just takes time and patience too.

Yes, getting old sucks ass!

Have a good day friend.

E-Man :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

How are ya'll this Sunday? Is your Mother still a fuckin idiot? Just a quick chime in on topic and before the next therapy appt. Also on the subject of genetics, I have heard the questions regarding illness. There are diseases that people believe are inherited, carried from one generation to another by a faulty genetic communication. The difference is one of belief.

Best wishes for a good session tomorrow is it not?

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Yes, my Mother is still a fuckin idiot. Insensitive, selfish, self centered, harsh, rude, unjust, and just fucked up my son's day of birth. I wanted to strangle this woman. Literally.
He just asked her for his birthday card with money in it before he went to the mall with his sister, that my parent hates.
She said "I'm not giving it to you until you get back because your sister will steal it from you!".......grrrrrrr
I said "He's going to the fucking mall and he wants to go shopping!"......grrrrrrrrrr
She then said "Well, are you going to spend it on you or your sister?!"...grrrrrr
He said, "Grammy, it's MY CHOICE of what I do with my gift!!!"......(sigh)....
I told her to "shut the fuck up, quit trying to make everyone DO what you think they should DO, because it isn't your fuckin right or place to tell everyone how to be or live so you approve!!"
She then said "Well, you're a terrible parent and its all your fault that your girls did drugs and got into trouble and got pregnant!!" and "You make me sick and upset all the time!"......Breathe Chris, calm down, don't retaliate...with?
"Hey Mom, do you fucking recall that your daughter was pregnant twice when she was 15 and 16 and you drove her out of state to get abortions, and she was pregnant again at 17 and had a baby with no Father, and she was also a drug addict, and I too was a fucking drug addict and got arrested 30 times, and got kicked out of a major city, and both of us dropped out of school, and we were both terrible children, so that makes YOU a fuckin terrible parent I guess?" ...."You sick, mentally disturbed dumbass that is terrorizing everyone around you!"...breathe..

THAT is how today went, and yes I go to see the Psych again tomorrow too armed with yet another fucked up story about this sickening deranged alcoholic that I now live with and not because of choice.

Happy Birthday Son?...Holy shit!!!.....We're making memories? Isn't this great?...And I have to drive him 2 hours away, drop him off, let him go again, and not see him until Christmas...

I am presently wishing for things to happen, that aren't pleasant to state or discuss with anyone. My Father calmed me down, and says that she has brain damage and has no idea what she is saying, how hurtful it is, how it affects others, and really doesn't give a shit either. I am moving to his house next week. Making those plans now. I have to get out of here before someone gets critically injured or worse. That would be selfish of me, my loved family members would then suffer more then they already are being FORCED too suffer. I am in a dark place...

YAY!!!...Thou shalt not do any harm. What a great day...where's my meds?..Got em!. controlled breathing, looking at a photo of my kids, figuring out what to do with all this shit here now, thinking about packing things up, what to do with these trucks, how to get away from this fucking madness, insanity, trying to pick up the pieces again, wishing that I was a wizard like Harry Potter, I could then do some amazing things. BAAAHAHA!!!...calming down. Keep my sanity.

It's a wonderful life.

E-Man :)

Hey Chris I think your dad is right, she drinks she must have damaged the brain. Alcoholics mostly are awful people. I think they are so fucked up, they really do not know what they are saying. I went once to the party small one, and ladies start to gossip about my friend's son, about his drug habits, (just grass) and his relationship. They had not realized that I am close with his mom. I got upset and ask everyone of them about their children. some are real drug addicts, some were arrested few times. Some are simply sluts. Of course i am banned from this group but I told them their story. It was worth it! To see the frigging galloping eyes and see them blushing was something. People put attention on others, criticizing them, not to acknowledge their habits and wrongdoings

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dahila

Hey Chris I think your dad is right, she drinks she must have damaged the brain. Alcoholics mostly are awful people. I think they are so fucked up, they really do not know what they are saying.

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My Mother is now banned from my life, and so are all my children too.
I won't miss her, or this place in any way.
She can drown her sorrows all she wishes, I don't give a fuck anymore.

E-Man :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

Don't avoid the real pain, hurts inside by spending therapy time on someone else. Stay with the goal of releasing, healing, your own feelings. You've got some serious (Self) work to do.

What happened today is associative meaning the same thing happened 30 years ago (we can generalize it as abuse), and so forth. The important work is done with the emotions, the feelings and beliefs, not the actual events. They don't matter as much as how they make you feel, about you. (And to a larger extent how the abuse alters your overall perception about the world and others). Impacts do reach out in all directions. But the main work is within you, how you feel.

So you made the decision to move out I see. You do remember how to make firm decisions ! From now on, let your decisions all be in your best interests. We will call them 'healthy' decisions, where in the past they were destructive.

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Just got in after a 6 hour trip to take my son back to his Mother.
What a drag in every way possible.
I won't see him again until December...(sigh)
Thank you for your words friend.
Therapy again tomorrow.
I will be in my room all day until then, avoiding the dumbass.
Maybe do some packing too. Need to get some boxes. Yay!!!

E-Man. :)

Good morning.

I can't stop replaying those idiotic sentences spoken to me by this person here, that is supposed to be my parent. She is obviously very sick and mentally disturbed.
For anyone to say those words as they were voiced, to a disabled son, or any person, is unforgivable and unforgettable. Verbal abuse, judgment, from a mentally deranged individual.
All because I told her, to shut the fuck up because everything that comes out of your mouth, is garbage. Emotional, verbal, vomit.
"You're a terrible parent and person".. "You make me sick".. "You are the reason that your daughters were failures".."You only need me around for money".."Your sister said that she loved me, but she didn't like me".."This is my house and I can say whatever I want".."You and I shouldn't talk at all".."You are to blame for everything that is wrong".."I wasn't raised the way that you raised your kids".....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.rrrrr.rrrrrr.r.rr.r. This person that spoke these words, is severely fucked up in all aspects and regard. There is brain damage. There are psychological issues.
It's too bad I can't throw this so called parent into a nursing home, like right fucking now! If I could, I surely would, with NO questions about it.
My son told me some things that she said to him when I took him home too. That she might just give this house to charity because I can't take care of it. What an idiot she is.
This was to be my house, my cars, my boats, and half of the money was to be mine too. That's how the will is written. That may change when I leave here. And at the moment, I don't give a fuck.
The Holidays should be interesting this year too, I won't be here, my children won't be here either. In fact, I think my nephew and his family are thinking about not attending also.
This sad, sadistic, bitch of a Mother can enjoy it all alone. Maybe that will make her feel better, less stressed, and she can drink 20 shots for all I fuckin care.
I've lost everything in my life, now I will lose a parent too. I was welcomed here at one time but I somehow apparently wore out my welcome, by laying quietly on a couch daily. Senseless.
She needs serious help. A doctor, some medications, and a team of fucking therapists too. Will she seek help? No. She'll just blame EVERYTHING on me. LMAO!!! YAY!!!
Going to have to get some boxes today, and figure out what to do with these two trucks sitting outside in the yard. My Dad has no room for them. Only room for me.
This was all supposed to be a challenge, a lesson, something that I was to learn and to go through, to make me a stronger person overall. I was to KNOW her, for what she really is.
When I go, I more then likely will stand a chance to lose $1,000.000.00. At this particular time at 647am on October 20th, 2014, I don't think I really give a shit either.
What the fuck does it really matter, in the Grand Scheme of things anyway. Maybe, she'll just give it all to charity. Hope it's a good one! Asshole! LOL!!
I'm not upset or sad, I'm pissed off and mad. If it were the 1800's, then I would deal with this in a manner consistent with the times....I don't know what happened? BAAHAAAHAAAAHA!!!!
I can hardly wait to see the Psych this evening, he may think I am going mad or losing it. Should be an interesting session to say the least. Write this shit down doc! :)

Have a splendid and spectacular day friends!

E-ready to lose it all-Man.. :)

I SO want to retaliate.....
Must resist the urge.
Must maintain.
Going to see doctor asap.

Enduronman.