Hold that thought. I can't go anywherejust yet. Just had a dream that although is fading rapidly summed upquite a lot for me. This is going to be hard because of just how fast I'mlosing the grip. It was hard to make sense of but since I woke up (3:amfrom broken sleep) ... In the time I wiped my eye took a trip to take a pee, Iprocessed that dream rapidly with all kind of insights coming to mind andfigured I best make this post whilst additionally reminding myself why I ameven here.
The Dream:
Is spasmodic and has all the hallmarks but notthat which can be easily decoded by some book. Going to have to freestylethis one.
I ended up in a court room in what they call thedog box. I could not find my way after being directed to find my place asI was just too overcome with it all. Being lost as I was, I wasimmediately mocked by all attending, except the soul who ended up sittingbeside to me. Instead he gave me a hug to which I ask what it wasfor. He simply replied and said that "too many people have diedwhere we are sitting today." He too was lost and terrified.
I don't know man. I just step out of my dream for a moment to give much needed context to what's going on in my head whilst trying tokeep a bead on my dream. This one had too much in it that I think I needto keep.
So many people online keep telling me how to thinkand its all starting to take a toll as I shut down different accounts and nolonger want to participate online at any level. The amount of disdain Iam sensing in others is just over the top - even myself at times I find howeasily I am laughing with the masses at the most stupidest things. Likehow we all laugh at someone being scared because some guy hiding in a bushjumped forward and scared the shit out of someone. Those who do not laughalong on camera are quickly ostracized by the masses. In fact those fewtraumatized who our slower than others to conform quickly do so once theynoticed he camera. Again ... those that don't conform are quicklyridiculed by those caught up in the insanity of laughing at others whom givenin to fear. AKA YouTube videos Pranks and so on.
What I have just revealed is where we are as asociety and if you can't see what I am saying then that's OK - you just won'tunderstand what I am saying or where I am going. To be it worries me verymuch because as a traumatized human in the world I am one of the ones thatsenses such triatic are debilitating the human race. Yet it is being moreand more encouraged in the same way I feel under attack ... as I engage on Day 20 of giving up the drugs. Many will try to put the feeling of oppressionback on me by further demeaning me. Again is why I left Reddit and justrecently yet another place where the same thing was happening.
BACK TO MY DREAM: TRUST ISSUES
Before my mocked entrance into the court room ...out in the holding area I was with my wife and a few others all of whom whereon trial for one thing or another. Apparently my wife was havingrelations with another that cut deep into my soul. He too was in the roommocking and attacking me in one form or another. TRUST is the major themehere and it feeling ever so brutal being so close to home. This one acommon theme to dreams like many elements within the one I had tonight. Main issue there is not so much the broken trust as projected in my dream butmore that which exist in my so called waking life. As you know I sleep inmy own room and have been for years now. I have previously spoken aboutthe difficulties in that transition.
My wife too is extremely exhausted with hersomewhat terminal illness. Whilst they have drugs to help her corruptedimmune system, her disease comprised of something growing in her spinal columnthat slowly drains the life out of here with each passing day. For otherswith whatever level of her illness it can start more in the brain and work itsway down ... however that goes its about as debilitating as all my conditionscombined and I see it in her face and very being day by day. That saidshe does an awesome Job we our grandson where his safety in our care is whatkeeps us going less we fall victims to those conditions this world would haveus solely identify with. Of course is not so hard to disconnect when thephysiological impacts the physical.
At any rate the above explains well the lack of intimacy that I have chosen to continue living with yearafter year. To be sure there many ways of being intimate, but for me it'sbeen a HUGE hit with not being able to touch. I could care less for the sexbut admit like anyone of the flesh and addiction it too is always on my mind... but the major point here is I don't even get any form of touch which makesit extremely hard as I am a very touchy feely guy that likes the way Iam. I do not gel well with those that again, negatively turn the tablesand say all that is a needy thing purely resultant from a life time of abusesuffered early on. Whilst that can be an 'element' it is more often madeinto something it is not like people who flog doctrine to death to make theirown points to suite wrong and right whilst at the same time preaching how tolet go of ego. Think Irony and Insanity with how we are conditioned torelate like so.
