ratocarias
12-06-2012, 05:40 PM
Hello everyone,
after months reading several posts by the forum´s members, i finally came up with courage to write about my story dealing with generalize anxiety and depression. First of all and since english is not my main language i would like to offer my apologies for any mistakes this message might contain.
I´m 29 years old and living an extremely complicated period in my life. Well, honestly i been living my life sort of limited and detached from reality since i can remember existing. I don´t know exactly "the" why, but for some reason, and despite being born and raise in a loving environment and been given pretty much the opportunities one can get in order to grow and became a full and responsible individual, i´ve been feeling strangeness, emptiness and apathy all along the way.
There is one major issue with me that i can fully recognize: my almost complete incapacity to recognize and express my feelings, not just to others but to myself also. This comes as a result of living life, since very young, as a distant observer, locked inside my own head (controlled by demands of an imaginary ego), and letting myself gradually be separated from real life and real people.
As i said before i don´t know the why, nor remember choosing to live this way, but it happened. For all those important stages of someone´s life (preadolescence, adolescence, young adulthood) where you´re supposed to grow emotionally by taking steps toward your affirmation as a person, i end up largely skipping them due to my inability to recognize and not block what i was feeling. Don´t get me wrong, i not saying that i´m incapable of feeling but rather i´m mostly clueless about them. My current therapist says i have a problem with internalization, meaning i fail to perceive and sense the way past and present events effect me in real life and that i only allow myself to fully experience emotions within my dreams. I can give you an example:
Recollecting old memories isn´t an easy thing for me, not because i can´t remember past moments but because i can´t understand how i feel about them in present times as well how i felt when experiencing them. Again according to my therapist this is the result of an child with a fragile ego, who since early age as avoided all her feelings and sensations.
As for my psychiatrist he often asks what is it that i´m so afraid to let it out. What is this thing inside me that is eating me alive, generating so much anxiety, that i only let escape throw physical symptoms.
Learning this things as help me understand, mostly at rational level, how i´ve been behaving all this time- as an fractional living being, who knows how to respond to rational problems and learned to react according to social conventions , but completely fails to grasp the depth of it´s own feelings, being unaware of it´s desires, wishes. As a result in many levels i function as a child, easily irritable and frustrated, highly impatient and lacking sustenance to deal with adulthood demands. I got say, listening to these explanations in my sessions pretty much feels as being punch in the stomach - thats how i recognize that something very important inside me is trying to come outside but i can´t still grasp it in it´s fullness. I know that there´s something inside that i need to, let´s say release, but i´ve no idea what might be, or even how to do it.
All this separation from my inner self led to much depression and anxiety and now i feel lost, unable sometimes to recognize myself in the mirror, overwhelmed by questions as What do i want for life? What are my desires? How can i ever connect to another person at an emotional and physical level? ( i´ve never had a relationship with someone, i don´t even feel much connected intimately with my body or my sexuality.)
Not surprisingly by the end of last year i reach a point were i would rarely leave my house, or even get up from bed - i feel a constant need to protect myself, and i do it by covering underneath my sheets.
Inside my hole I came really close to give it up - i could´t live with so much sadness, fear, disappointment and self-load.
I knew i needed help and since my family wasn´t given up on me ever they intervene once more. And i like to think that still some hope inside me. Because the funny thing is i like the world. I certainly don´t blame anyone for what i´ve been gone throw. Sure there´s much suffering out there and is scary but there also so much for one to experience out there.
So for now i continue to go to my therapy sessions, with my therapist ( i need to find another psychiatrist since my current one is sick and can´t work ) and started doing yoga.
I can say i´m extremely exhausted and frustrated because i know how much work there´s still ahead of me and how much it hurts to not be able connect to my emotions. I want to shut down the voice inside me but that feels as shutting myself complete - is my normal state.
Thank you all for posting your stories online and helping me came up with the courage to do it myself. I sincerely hope the best for all of you. Let sadness lose it´s predominance to happiness and fulfillment.
after months reading several posts by the forum´s members, i finally came up with courage to write about my story dealing with generalize anxiety and depression. First of all and since english is not my main language i would like to offer my apologies for any mistakes this message might contain.
I´m 29 years old and living an extremely complicated period in my life. Well, honestly i been living my life sort of limited and detached from reality since i can remember existing. I don´t know exactly "the" why, but for some reason, and despite being born and raise in a loving environment and been given pretty much the opportunities one can get in order to grow and became a full and responsible individual, i´ve been feeling strangeness, emptiness and apathy all along the way.
There is one major issue with me that i can fully recognize: my almost complete incapacity to recognize and express my feelings, not just to others but to myself also. This comes as a result of living life, since very young, as a distant observer, locked inside my own head (controlled by demands of an imaginary ego), and letting myself gradually be separated from real life and real people.
As i said before i don´t know the why, nor remember choosing to live this way, but it happened. For all those important stages of someone´s life (preadolescence, adolescence, young adulthood) where you´re supposed to grow emotionally by taking steps toward your affirmation as a person, i end up largely skipping them due to my inability to recognize and not block what i was feeling. Don´t get me wrong, i not saying that i´m incapable of feeling but rather i´m mostly clueless about them. My current therapist says i have a problem with internalization, meaning i fail to perceive and sense the way past and present events effect me in real life and that i only allow myself to fully experience emotions within my dreams. I can give you an example:
Recollecting old memories isn´t an easy thing for me, not because i can´t remember past moments but because i can´t understand how i feel about them in present times as well how i felt when experiencing them. Again according to my therapist this is the result of an child with a fragile ego, who since early age as avoided all her feelings and sensations.
As for my psychiatrist he often asks what is it that i´m so afraid to let it out. What is this thing inside me that is eating me alive, generating so much anxiety, that i only let escape throw physical symptoms.
Learning this things as help me understand, mostly at rational level, how i´ve been behaving all this time- as an fractional living being, who knows how to respond to rational problems and learned to react according to social conventions , but completely fails to grasp the depth of it´s own feelings, being unaware of it´s desires, wishes. As a result in many levels i function as a child, easily irritable and frustrated, highly impatient and lacking sustenance to deal with adulthood demands. I got say, listening to these explanations in my sessions pretty much feels as being punch in the stomach - thats how i recognize that something very important inside me is trying to come outside but i can´t still grasp it in it´s fullness. I know that there´s something inside that i need to, let´s say release, but i´ve no idea what might be, or even how to do it.
All this separation from my inner self led to much depression and anxiety and now i feel lost, unable sometimes to recognize myself in the mirror, overwhelmed by questions as What do i want for life? What are my desires? How can i ever connect to another person at an emotional and physical level? ( i´ve never had a relationship with someone, i don´t even feel much connected intimately with my body or my sexuality.)
Not surprisingly by the end of last year i reach a point were i would rarely leave my house, or even get up from bed - i feel a constant need to protect myself, and i do it by covering underneath my sheets.
Inside my hole I came really close to give it up - i could´t live with so much sadness, fear, disappointment and self-load.
I knew i needed help and since my family wasn´t given up on me ever they intervene once more. And i like to think that still some hope inside me. Because the funny thing is i like the world. I certainly don´t blame anyone for what i´ve been gone throw. Sure there´s much suffering out there and is scary but there also so much for one to experience out there.
So for now i continue to go to my therapy sessions, with my therapist ( i need to find another psychiatrist since my current one is sick and can´t work ) and started doing yoga.
I can say i´m extremely exhausted and frustrated because i know how much work there´s still ahead of me and how much it hurts to not be able connect to my emotions. I want to shut down the voice inside me but that feels as shutting myself complete - is my normal state.
Thank you all for posting your stories online and helping me came up with the courage to do it myself. I sincerely hope the best for all of you. Let sadness lose it´s predominance to happiness and fulfillment.