ratocarias
12-06-2012, 05:40 PM
Hello everyone,
after months reading several posts by the forumīs members, i finally came up with courage to write about my story dealing with generalize anxiety and depression. First of all and since english is not my main language i would like to offer my apologies for any mistakes this message might contain.
Iīm 29 years old and living an extremely complicated period in my life. Well, honestly i been living my life sort of limited and detached from reality since i can remember existing. I donīt know exactly "the" why, but for some reason, and despite being born and raise in a loving environment and been given pretty much the opportunities one can get in order to grow and became a full and responsible individual, iīve been feeling strangeness, emptiness and apathy all along the way.
There is one major issue with me that i can fully recognize: my almost complete incapacity to recognize and express my feelings, not just to others but to myself also. This comes as a result of living life, since very young, as a distant observer, locked inside my own head (controlled by demands of an imaginary ego), and letting myself gradually be separated from real life and real people.
As i said before i donīt know the why, nor remember choosing to live this way, but it happened. For all those important stages of someoneīs life (preadolescence, adolescence, young adulthood) where youīre supposed to grow emotionally by taking steps toward your affirmation as a person, i end up largely skipping them due to my inability to recognize and not block what i was feeling. Donīt get me wrong, i not saying that iīm incapable of feeling but rather iīm mostly clueless about them. My current therapist says i have a problem with internalization, meaning i fail to perceive and sense the way past and present events effect me in real life and that i only allow myself to fully experience emotions within my dreams. I can give you an example:
Recollecting old memories isnīt an easy thing for me, not because i canīt remember past moments but because i canīt understand how i feel about them in present times as well how i felt when experiencing them. Again according to my therapist this is the result of an child with a fragile ego, who since early age as avoided all her feelings and sensations.
As for my psychiatrist he often asks what is it that iīm so afraid to let it out. What is this thing inside me that is eating me alive, generating so much anxiety, that i only let escape throw physical symptoms.
Learning this things as help me understand, mostly at rational level, how iīve been behaving all this time- as an fractional living being, who knows how to respond to rational problems and learned to react according to social conventions , but completely fails to grasp the depth of itīs own feelings, being unaware of itīs desires, wishes. As a result in many levels i function as a child, easily irritable and frustrated, highly impatient and lacking sustenance to deal with adulthood demands. I got say, listening to these explanations in my sessions pretty much feels as being punch in the stomach - thats how i recognize that something very important inside me is trying to come outside but i canīt still grasp it in itīs fullness. I know that thereīs something inside that i need to, letīs say release, but iīve no idea what might be, or even how to do it.
All this separation from my inner self led to much depression and anxiety and now i feel lost, unable sometimes to recognize myself in the mirror, overwhelmed by questions as What do i want for life? What are my desires? How can i ever connect to another person at an emotional and physical level? ( iīve never had a relationship with someone, i donīt even feel much connected intimately with my body or my sexuality.)
Not surprisingly by the end of last year i reach a point were i would rarely leave my house, or even get up from bed - i feel a constant need to protect myself, and i do it by covering underneath my sheets.
Inside my hole I came really close to give it up - i couldīt live with so much sadness, fear, disappointment and self-load.
I knew i needed help and since my family wasnīt given up on me ever they intervene once more. And i like to think that still some hope inside me. Because the funny thing is i like the world. I certainly donīt blame anyone for what iīve been gone throw. Sure thereīs much suffering out there and is scary but there also so much for one to experience out there.
So for now i continue to go to my therapy sessions, with my therapist ( i need to find another psychiatrist since my current one is sick and canīt work ) and started doing yoga.
I can say iīm extremely exhausted and frustrated because i know how much work thereīs still ahead of me and how much it hurts to not be able connect to my emotions. I want to shut down the voice inside me but that feels as shutting myself complete - is my normal state.
Thank you all for posting your stories online and helping me came up with the courage to do it myself. I sincerely hope the best for all of you. Let sadness lose itīs predominance to happiness and fulfillment.
after months reading several posts by the forumīs members, i finally came up with courage to write about my story dealing with generalize anxiety and depression. First of all and since english is not my main language i would like to offer my apologies for any mistakes this message might contain.
Iīm 29 years old and living an extremely complicated period in my life. Well, honestly i been living my life sort of limited and detached from reality since i can remember existing. I donīt know exactly "the" why, but for some reason, and despite being born and raise in a loving environment and been given pretty much the opportunities one can get in order to grow and became a full and responsible individual, iīve been feeling strangeness, emptiness and apathy all along the way.
There is one major issue with me that i can fully recognize: my almost complete incapacity to recognize and express my feelings, not just to others but to myself also. This comes as a result of living life, since very young, as a distant observer, locked inside my own head (controlled by demands of an imaginary ego), and letting myself gradually be separated from real life and real people.
As i said before i donīt know the why, nor remember choosing to live this way, but it happened. For all those important stages of someoneīs life (preadolescence, adolescence, young adulthood) where youīre supposed to grow emotionally by taking steps toward your affirmation as a person, i end up largely skipping them due to my inability to recognize and not block what i was feeling. Donīt get me wrong, i not saying that iīm incapable of feeling but rather iīm mostly clueless about them. My current therapist says i have a problem with internalization, meaning i fail to perceive and sense the way past and present events effect me in real life and that i only allow myself to fully experience emotions within my dreams. I can give you an example:
Recollecting old memories isnīt an easy thing for me, not because i canīt remember past moments but because i canīt understand how i feel about them in present times as well how i felt when experiencing them. Again according to my therapist this is the result of an child with a fragile ego, who since early age as avoided all her feelings and sensations.
As for my psychiatrist he often asks what is it that iīm so afraid to let it out. What is this thing inside me that is eating me alive, generating so much anxiety, that i only let escape throw physical symptoms.
Learning this things as help me understand, mostly at rational level, how iīve been behaving all this time- as an fractional living being, who knows how to respond to rational problems and learned to react according to social conventions , but completely fails to grasp the depth of itīs own feelings, being unaware of itīs desires, wishes. As a result in many levels i function as a child, easily irritable and frustrated, highly impatient and lacking sustenance to deal with adulthood demands. I got say, listening to these explanations in my sessions pretty much feels as being punch in the stomach - thats how i recognize that something very important inside me is trying to come outside but i canīt still grasp it in itīs fullness. I know that thereīs something inside that i need to, letīs say release, but iīve no idea what might be, or even how to do it.
All this separation from my inner self led to much depression and anxiety and now i feel lost, unable sometimes to recognize myself in the mirror, overwhelmed by questions as What do i want for life? What are my desires? How can i ever connect to another person at an emotional and physical level? ( iīve never had a relationship with someone, i donīt even feel much connected intimately with my body or my sexuality.)
Not surprisingly by the end of last year i reach a point were i would rarely leave my house, or even get up from bed - i feel a constant need to protect myself, and i do it by covering underneath my sheets.
Inside my hole I came really close to give it up - i couldīt live with so much sadness, fear, disappointment and self-load.
I knew i needed help and since my family wasnīt given up on me ever they intervene once more. And i like to think that still some hope inside me. Because the funny thing is i like the world. I certainly donīt blame anyone for what iīve been gone throw. Sure thereīs much suffering out there and is scary but there also so much for one to experience out there.
So for now i continue to go to my therapy sessions, with my therapist ( i need to find another psychiatrist since my current one is sick and canīt work ) and started doing yoga.
I can say iīm extremely exhausted and frustrated because i know how much work thereīs still ahead of me and how much it hurts to not be able connect to my emotions. I want to shut down the voice inside me but that feels as shutting myself complete - is my normal state.
Thank you all for posting your stories online and helping me came up with the courage to do it myself. I sincerely hope the best for all of you. Let sadness lose itīs predominance to happiness and fulfillment.