help! feel like I'm the only one feeling like this.

[worried83]

Hi,
I have been really struggling to keep myself sane. About 18 months ago my dad passed away suddenly and I've never really come to terms with it. My dad passed in the Feb and we had already booked our wedding so I was fine until after the wedding. Just after then I took a big downhill turn and I felt like I didn't love my husband or kids and I just wanted to leave and live with my mum. I had been put on citalopram and had a bit of counselling which did help but 1 year later and I'm down again but worse this time. I have been prescribed citalopram again but I haven't hardly ate or slept for nearly a week. It started off with the same feeling like I don't love my husband or kids and I just want to run away to feeling guilty for anything bad I have done in the past, to being angry with my husband to now having voices that I have to tell the boy I used to fancy at school that I still love him and he say he wants me and not his fiance and then I can say I don't want him. I feel like I want everyone to hate me and I want to be dead. My husband has been amazing even though I've told him how I've been feeling. How can I put him and my family through this? Please help me!

[alankay]

I think your low mood is giving you cold feet. Hang in there and talk more with your finance'. ALankay

[Enduronman]

Worried?...

That expressive word doesnt even come close to referencing the "world" that you are trapped within..One thing here that I "see" before I even have my first cup of coffee is that you know where you are, and you wish to be let out. Here's the problem, "it" wont let you out because youve asked "it" to do so kindly and politely..The only way outta there requires you to focus all of that stored anger, hatred, resentment that you hide so well from everyone else in this world that I can "see" through here...and fight, force, kick the door down so that you can, will, and wish to be set free...To once again re-unite with the family that you love dearly...

Your choice.

Where's my coffee!

Enduronman.

[worried83]

Thank u guys. Good advice. Been focusing on the good things in my life and what I would miss if I didn't have them. All those lovely memories I wouldn't have. Just need to concentrate on making new nice memories.

[worried83]

Mrs. Worried? Look at it, from the outside-in...and you'll "see" what I saw too...

God Bless.

Enduronman. :)[/QUOTE]

To enduronman-

Thank you so much for this reply. Although it's not going to cure me over night it really has made me think about what I am doing and how I am hurting the ones around me. I feel like how dare they take away my dad, the most amazing, caring, unselfish, loving person ever. If I could be even half as great as him I would be happy. Then I think although I would love to see him now I would like to think that he is still here in spirit. I wish he would just pop down though and give me a massive hug and tell me to stop being so silly. The memories I have with my family now couldn't be replaced. Family holidays, all 14 of us! Day trips, witnessing the birth of my two children and my husband being there the whole time being amazing, doing everything I want. Our hols before the kids, going out with the kids etc etc. My mum has been amazing too, I think she has come a bit more to terms with dad passing(or she hides it well) and although I have brought him up again and told her I felt like I want to be dead she has been very supportive and helped me most days with the usual washing, cooking and looking after the kids. She really is amazing. And my husband, I have told every little thought, little voice in my head, everything. He hasn't run or even got angry with me, he understands he tells me he loves me all the time and has gone the extra mile at home, cooking shopping and looking after the kids even after a 12 hr day. How could I give all this up? Hard to think of a reason.