Yea Yea I know - Back Again

[salvator here]

--You know that when they hear me listening to Tibetan vibes and or I break out any Buddhist trinkets, they start praying for me and warn me that is why things go wrong in my life.

--The things I got to do to get my wife to feel for me. lol. I will reach out to her when I get back with a goofy look on my face saying "Can I please have a hug now?" I know she will smile and it might be all me holding her tight but that will do.

I read all, but sorry, this just really made me laugh - I so needed that. Ya know, I've always thought if I ever dared to enter into a church the holy water would start boiling and it would burn down, you I have to work hard to hide these horns... hehe For some reason I have visions of them try to perform an exorcist on you. Well, yeah, I guess leave them to their (fear based) beliefs and take it for what its is as you can't change them, they are too far gone. That is a pretty difficult family dynamic to say the very least.

I'll try to write more later and thank you for thinking of me as well.

You could mix it up on your wife when you get back and say, I'd love a hug but would settle for a pat on the head and maybe you'll get both

I wish you luck for the rest of your stay. I know you'll be fine.

I'm glad you shared everything with me and I'm glad to have you as a friend.

[Ponder]

You made me laugh as well. Don't worry about getting back before you can and or only write as much you able. It's always great to hear from you, but the last thing I want to to become is a chore. I am a bit worried about that with my friend who dropped me off. I really do not like being in this spot I am in despite having the capacity to mostly never leave on bad terms. Whilst I have done my best to please others I have been unable to sleep regardless of the medication.

I seriously need to get the hell out of here as soon as possible. The nature of my mind works differently than most would think. I have been looping pretty bad since enduring the other night as described. The ear infection I have kept in the quiet is starting to get worse. Is from waring ear buds too much. I have been treating my right ear with ointment but a lump has developed and last night when trying to clean and apply cream, blood has started seeping. I try not to think negatively about it though. I have not tried to bring it up for fear of making it worse simply by mentioning it but the way things are going now ... my body has taking a toll.

Once again - don't worry about replying unless keeping it short suits you. [or you have time to make as long as you want] I appreciated what ever your able to give.

2:03am just glancing on my displays clock.

I am tired but just can't sleep. I will stop taking the medicine now as not even the valium derivative can stave off what I am feeling.

I have undergone demon exorcism 'at least' 3 times:
I will kill time writing about that.

For now I hit enter and make that post on its own.

[Ponder]

My experience with demon exorcism is not your typical movie scenario like 'The Rite' with Anthony Hopkins and or Rosemary's Baby or even The Exorcist. That said a dose of Evangelical/Pentecostal/Charismatic Spirituality mixed with Sleep Paralysis can make the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. First you need to be indoctinated with years of brainwashing as a child and then brought up in a dysfunctional home and thereafter be passed around from home to home before you eventually roll out the other side into the world's gutter somewhat premature for what's on offer.

Wind the clock back a little before being ejected. Whilst in Sunday school we did not get the heavy lectures on the 'Mark of the Best' ... in church we did! There my brother and I were also taught that the African drums where a tool for summoning the devil. I remember this now plain as day. The pastor was from Wales and he had a very thick accent and was worshiped for it like they worshiped Jesus. Or perhaps it was another? I do remember how they would bang their fist and accent words with authority when talking about such things. (Not unlike my step Dad the other night when talking about his rights) The descriptive nature on topics such as Spiritual Warfare were quite graphic to say the least. Before CGI I would give these sermons a 9 out of 10 for special effect! Once you combine such masterful telling's that would put Tony Robbins to shame with a little well time music on the side with consolidating prayers well though out in advance, such persuasive and powerful sermons back in the day had people hooked like candy. Many of these creators and followers would go on to be involved in the new age fad that is well known today.

For me this was all the rage in the 70's. My mother was one of the one's hooked on this stuff like a drug. My brother and I used to be dragged around from town to town attending such teachings in a pajamas. I mentioned it before, but this is the context in how as kids we ended watching up a film about 'The Mark of The Best 666' where if you did not take the mark a police man would turn up on a motor bike with a guillotine on the back of it. People who were caught without the mark of the beast we decapitated on the spot. I beleive it was a series of propaganda movies based on the Rapture & Anti Christ found in The Christian Bible in Revelations:





Back then the Assembly of God Church used to show films like these as if it was Gilligan's Island.

Sorry to drag this on. I do however think it important to note the grooming my brother and I underwent as children aged 7 and 9. I can't understate how this facet of the 70's left a wake of *&^%ed up minds from all those other kids that were subject to this kind of doctrine. It's like our current plandemic but on another phycological induced level. I went onto many foster homes that were heavily involved in this kind of thing and a school that banned parents from reading news papers and going to the movies. Once more I have shared how I was dragged out of the movies watching star wars or something to that effect. I can't remember because of the scene my parents made when making a scene. Basically as kids we were heavily indoctinated and deeply entrenched into the Evangelical CULT that was more accepted by main stream than most could fathom today. It is still very much alive and thriving today, but much more compromising and markets to the main stream than ever before. Those that did not fit but wanted something different typically opted for the New Age fad of the 50/60 and thriving 70s. Take your pick.

OK: Demon Exorcism Number One
The Laying On of Hands:
Not which place. It could of been the Christian drug rehab we all held hands in the park praying out loud with public spectators giving us weird looks "The freaks are out again!" or in some aboriginal mission half way during a sermon. Someone in the group will give a speech about someone being in need within said groups for a 'release.' These random episodes were built up to with music either played from a ghetto blaster or by a band. It mattered little which as the formula is pretty much the same. Music and Praying in Tongue as depicted in todays → version I think she has been seeing Tony Robins on the side for a bit of everything. SHHHHHH

Long story short people get caught up in the desire to belong having fallen victim to the emotional buildup where when called out by a similar method that any serial packet psychic would use - people line up whilst the practicing Demon Hunter would lay hands on that person ... continue a public speech for all to hear that entails shame and blame ... music changing pitch and pace not unlike in a movie following along ... the preacher or pastor depending your denomination and indoctrination would start waving their hand in front of you. It's kind of a dance with all that electrified emotion buzzing around the congregation in sync with the music and the literation spewing forth from the directors mouth. People would either faint, play along ... whatever - some would hit the floor without being caught and start to convulse - I LOOSEN THE DEVIL!!! would cry out the hand that struck down the vessel. I LOOSEN THE DEVIL!!! would come again in an almighty projected voice that would see people on the ground twitch all the more. By this stage the younger audience that were not as well exposed as my brother and I would start to cling to their trusted carers. lol - I wonder how many foster kids were getting around. Sigh ... Hell - I even say people visiting for the first time slowly walk for the back door. I'm telling you true as night and day this shit was either lapped up or had people running for the doors.

OMG - I am truly laughing my guts up here but it really was sad that we had to endure that BS. Takes a breath. Man - You know ... there was something about how I processed all that. Whilst I was indoctinated to some degree, something inside me knew there was something wrong with all that ... that it seemed fake but watching everyone getting hooked and it all unfolding like that as a kid was another level of scary. I knew these people were the ones watching over me and I really had no choice in what to do. I just played along until I was ejected and hit the gutter.

Whilst feeling it was fake I still did struggle with the whole Rapture thing that when I was home with my mother and they did not come back from shopping, I would get caught up with chills telling my brother that Jesus had come and our parents where raptured (taken up into heaven) and we were left behind. When they got home saw how worried we were and I explained I thought the second coming had happened (Jesus Returned) and that my brother and I were left behind ... they got the local preacher to come see us and 'sort us out' Me - I chalk that down to the propaganda BS and all that dragging us around in our PJs to all those cult sermons on the god damn topic.

I take a break or start a new post on the next level of Demonic Possession as I would come to know it.
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[Ponder]

4am and still no sleep. However I will write from this prison I now find myself in. It really is all in the mind but the facts as I have come to know them is how real and disabling such thought forms can come to be. The new fang dangled word not really understood by most happy go self thriving bliss seekers of today is MANIFEST! Today that is mostly about Money, Wealth, Job Security, Status and Health. Back in my day when I was a teenage chronic acholic and drug addict sleeping on the city streets, manifesting to me was more about fear and pain. All that shit I just previously posted about regardless of my childhood intuition, was about to get very VERY REAL.

Behind Closed Doors:
When you are at your lowest and I've really covered that in my earlier posts when hitting this forum - all that childhood indoctrinating was something that I found myself clinging too (when finding myself more vulnerable) as I was going from and to Christian Rehabs and Outreach Accommodations. I neve lasted long at those places but whilst there I did open myself up to one on ones usually involving two people and myself. The first version was on public display when I was much younger but now I was subject to private dealings involving the next level of exorcism. It involved the usual angelic babblings and laying on of hands but before you entered into that stage you underwent a more formal interview asking questions about exposure to drugs, phonography then into other religions, eastern philosophies, then into exposure to like wise trinkets, Satan worshiping and on and on.

My homeless experience led me into crossing paths with pretty much all that to some degree or other. I was mostly a spectator but did experiment with casting spells like many others did [quick FAD back in the day but I did sense the physiological changes [body heating up] when playing around like so]. I am a very visual person and once again whilst not always feeling it to be right opened myself up to all kinds of thought forms and embraced them whilst participating. Not everything I did was fully involvement and it did not have to be. Like if you just attended a Hare Krishnas soup kitchen then they considered you to have demons. Especially if you were (in today's word) in a low vibrational state which I was for most of my homeless years. To some degree I am open to the idea of how that can work but I share that latter in terms of recovery if I dare.

For now it is enough to know that the level of exorcism that I had undergone on my behind closed doors was from there point of view quite serious. During that time I was still skeptical despite still believing in the concept of Jesus. That was more a security blanket I would us to find comfort on and off the street. Long story short I think the damage to my psyche was the act of being involved with people continually shaming and blaming me. I keep saying that or bringing up that aspect but that is how religion works on all levels - Point Blank. But to keep in tune with the personal performance of people praying over you with dead certainty from their position gets a little chilling when you feel they beleive what they are doing. I said three times when I started this, I think I meant I experience three different types of releasing demons. The more I think about it ... this happened to me more regularly than I care to admit. But I did not shake and convulse or feel any spirits leave me.

Everyone wants to become a demon slayer and or healer.

Self Exorcism -
I guess the other aspect of releasing demons is being taught how to do it yourself. Sleep paralysis can be a bitch when indoctrinated like so. Comes back to that story where I was swept off the streets by a pastor's son and taken to his home. That night I had what would become a repeating event. I would wake up paralyzed unable to breathe properly looking at myself from the roof down. I saw myself laying on the top bunk where the pastor's kid said I could sleep. I'm pretty sure this was the first episode of this phenomena called sleep paralysis. This is not something you want with a background as mine.

I switched from being on the roof looking down at myself to being back in the bed looking up. I wanted to get up but there was a weight holding me down and so strong it was I was unable to breathe. I pushed my mind with all I called to verbalize 'In the name of Jesus' as I was taught to do as a child in all matters of spiritual warfare. The fact I was struggling for breath scared me all the more and made me feel that this shit was real. Slowly I was able to stutter out some words ... I kept reciting as I had seen all those preacher do before me. Eventually I was able to come up with IN THE NAME OF JESUSE I LOSSEN YOU!!! I started to breath and was able to move but was scared shittless over what had happened. I can't remember if I woke the other guy up ... when I say kid he was in his early 20s ... I was 17 having already been homeless for some time.

I do remember that when I asked him if he heard me struggling he said yes but he too was unable to get up. Now I will never know if that is true but I can tell you I sensed the fear in him that morning and after he told his dad I was ejected out of that house quicker than you can say I LOOSEN YOU!!!
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I went on to suffer more episodes for years to come. I eventually gave up calling upon Jesus but was still scared shittless. I thank my wife as she helped me give up my relgion. My family hate her for that and will probably have a clause in the will that I must not be with her. My wife has stood by my side all these years whatever way I look at it. Whereas now my family just want absolution for all the BS. My sister started going on about my wife when she brought up all that parents will shit. Point is - I really owe my wife for helping me give up religion. She saw me struggling to do so over our 30 years. I would say I finally gave it up 'Completely' about 12 years ago when I was 40. Believe me when I say depending on how entrenched you become it can take a life time to give up that shit.

As for thought forms - I do beleive those are real and that's another nightmare in itself yet can be mastered to some degree. I have come to see mainstream non secular types just as hoodwinked and dosed with fear as any of the cults I have been in. That is to say sport fans, flag flying patriots, newspaper readers (although not for the same reason as the cult I mentioned) news watchers, public servants, front line responders, doctors, nurses, blue colored and all workers of all sorts, radicalizes, victims groups and on and on and on. All that be ingredients sown with the very same deception techniques that I was privileged to see from zero to hero. WTF ever. I'll leave that at that.

Now ... I leave the reptilians and the galactic saviors for another day.

Now you know why I watch horror movies with apprehension.

[salvator here]

Don't worry about getting back before you can and or only write as much you able. It's always great to hear from you, but the last thing I want to to become is a chore.

You aren't and never will be a chore, its great to hear from you as well and I do want the best for you.

Gosh, I'm actually glad I mentioned that (sort of) jokingly as you were able to get all that out. I'll read in the AM. A bit after 8PM and hopefully you were able to get some sleep.

I'm doing ok, I guess. I don't know. Just going to enjoy a tea and watch something silly. I like silly 'hack em' up slasher' type horror and not the religious based crap that is becoming popular again. New comedy is hard now to get me laughing anymore. I don't know. Sometimes struggle with movies and drift into worry and a movie is supposed to give you an escape imo. Sometimes I also get triggered by something. Hard to explain.

Hopefully its a dry heat where I'm going ... ha

Take care as best as possible.

[Ponder]

I think you were meant to say it. It really helped me pass the time. I thought it was 4am but see my last edit was 5:18am when I am logged in. I've had about 1 and a half hours sleep. It rained a little but now the sun is up. I am still feeling too self conscious to go outside but will try later. There is no park to go walking around here and yesterday when I was in the shop I felt lightheaded which reminded my how I used to feel like fainting long time ago in my past when feeling like I was on display. I think this is something people in this forum can relate to in terms of anxiety and social phobia. I like small towns due to the lack of traffic and noise but the adverse effect is feeling I stand out more which I do not like. If not for my infected ear I would wear ear buds and be half OK. I also don't have clothes that make me feel right as I have become so overweight and also do not like who I have become.

OK - enough of that BS - talking like that does not help - but it's true. It's how I have been feeling for a long time and now I am here it feels worse. This is why I am so frustrated I can't sit out in my parents backyard without the neighborhood dogs barking like so.
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Here is an image I baked earlier by joining a couple of shots from my friends last visit and his drone. Line of site to mount Lindsey is 11.6 km (the mountain I pictured earlier)






This town is just where I went to high school. I never lived here at all. I share my earlier home for as long as it lasted. That one is about half the size of the one pictured here. The following town has a population of 440 ... but was 300 when I live there some 39 years ago. I guess 140 people increase in about 40 years is not bad:

Unlike Mount Lindsey - The Crown Mountain in the foreground was much easier to climb and something we did instead of surf the internet which did not exist back then. Not that I would go bounding up it now:



The drone flys a little closer. Line of sight Urbenville to Woodenbong is the exact same distance as MT Lindsey is to Woodebong. 11.6 km.
Saw mill on the bottom entry and road to Woodenbong upper middle.


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ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I try to sleep again.

[Ponder]

What started as a big decision regarding my wife and I has completely turned upside down to instead being more about that of my Step-Dad, Mum & Sister. The small talk from my mother has lost all it's warmth no matter how hard she tries. The drama continues as they carry on with judging my wife. My wife has spent more than twice the years than my family ever tried to care for me. She has never rejected me by throwing me out of the home or buying me off with trinkets or money. To be sure we have had our ups and downs but over all despite her need for distance, she has been way more forgiving than my so called Christian family.

What to do? They want to talk to me support person when he comes, however I already know it's just another sidelining tactic. It would be the end of our friendship if he allowed himself to be strung along. I think I will have all my gear ready to go before he arrives. Load up as soon as his wheels pulls up and be on my way for good. I am too old for all that finger pointing and the way they just tore threw me the other night is like ripping open up old wounds. A LOT of work has gone into me over the last few years regarding healing. I have to concede to a recent post about cutting toxic people out of one's life might actually be a good idea in terms of my current situation.

It's not cut and dry though. My sister is leaving earlier than intended due to my mother wishing it so. Today my sister attempted to order me out of the house because she did not like hearing what I had to say. Because neither my mother or step-dad asked me to leave I said "no" to which my sister thought she would ring the police. My mother quickly stopped her whilst I suggested it might be a good idea. I knew I had done nothing wrong and further invited my sister to follow up with calling the police. I exclaimed "I am sure the police would be very interested in the drug stash you have upstairs?"

"Oh we don't mind you sister having medical marijuana David" says my mum when she came to see me in the granny flat. I say, "No it is not. I thought I would endear myself and have a smoke with my sister. You know I don't normally drink or smoke. Believe me when I say it is low grade street pot laced with something that makes someone like me go into a spin. I spent hours trying to come down after going along one of my sisters late night walks" I also said "...and that oil she is using on top of it has gone through many hands, that too is not legal.

I really could not give a shit about the drugs and if it was as mild and tame as it used to be back in the 80s as I once knew it I probably would of enjoyed having the one off. The fact is my sister has become an addict and if it was all above board she would not be running about hiding it and freaking out every time mum would make an entrance. The way my brother was treated for his pot smoking ways and then to later see my sister acting like this was a huge disappointment when I first discovered she had wound up this way. Long story short the irony is way over the top. To know how far I myself have come as both an x-addict and alchy to see my sister manipulating and playing these games. She overreached today and I made that big decision regarding her and I.

My Step-Dad ... what about him? Well he thinks I still need to be forgiven and all that money he spent on shoulder surgery ... well he just confuses the fuck out of me because after throwing that back in my face I asked for his bank account details to work out a system of payments that whilst would take a long time, would at least maybe help to alleviate whatever pain was coming from his inability to hear how many times I had already expressed gratitude. No such thing as non-conditional love with this lot. I will always be a sinner that owes him money and not worthy of having any input with the latter being his final verdict when it came to my request to simply be heard. He can do what he want's with his money. I don't want or need it.

My Mother? This be the hardest decision for me as my need to finally be understood and appreciated I admit is extreme. Because I pressed for it during this stay with my sister carrying on with her self entitlement, my mouther finally came out with a few home truths that would of been nice to know. The reason my sister from my perspective is always intercepting calls and ever present to what I consider annoying regarding my reintegration is because she is my mothers carer. A lot of angst and misunderstanding could of been alleviated if this was explained earlier to me. Alas I am never told anything. My mother and sister used to talk a lot behind the scenes where much work went into keeping information from both brothers like where was was staying, visiting or living. Keeping us separated was just one of many games. Deception being something that went well with all the secrecy behind the scenes. Another reason I no longer have time for my sister when she drags up all this talk of money. My mother finally made it official and said yes your sister will execute the will. It's the damn secrets they hold onto that is toxic more than the surprises themselves.

Lost track ... back to my mother. I can sympathize that in her twilight years she is in a tricky position wanting the same thing from me that I would like from her - yet knowing I am not the same when it comes to being manipulated. Much more tricky now since my wife has educated me. This brings me to the bitterness that is held towards my wife. I fully appreciate that we can't all be expected to be friends with out sons and daughters partners. I have adult kids of my own where the dynamics of partners is very much a tricky one. But to harbor such bitterness towards these extended family members is just not within me. This side of religious people is the most toxic I have ever seen. The religious bond where my Sister, Mother and Step-Dad pray over uncomfortable issues is really just a *&^&%ing ploy to not deal with or listen to others as well as harbor and justify all that bitterness and then say it is others that are in need of forgiveness?

Am I really on my own with such toxic family dynamics? Surely not?

I won't have them use my labels against me or tell me my wife has short comings. She does way more for me and understands me without that kind of toxic treatment. Sigh -

Best I can say it that I will not share any of this with my mother. Christ knows I have tried enough times. "Oh it hurts ... I can't talk about it ... Your wires name - don't make me say it ... OUCH! - ..."

And with everything that has gone on they still can't see the sense in wishing to use a 3rd party for their will just as they want to use a 3rd party when dealing with me. That right there is knowing what they are doing by putting my sister over me. I fathom it is very much to do with their Christian 'unity' as depicted in those damn 'propaganda films' that traumatized us kids. AND - these biblical types with all the blame and shame which has been clearly enacted on this latest visit are also big on 'punishing' That is huge and why religion is goes hand in hand with militant attitude.

So I wonder if you can see my dilemma re my mother? I know she is 100% genuine with wanting to show and express affection for me just as I wish to do the same for her.

I think I will tell her I do understand her position and spend whatever time I have to spend here watching a few movies with her as I know she would like me to do. However I will have to tell here towards the end when I am leaving (and pick my time doing it) that there will be no sit down with my support person that anything they have to say they can just tell me. I will maybe offer to come back but never when my sister is present and I am happy to come back with support person on a planed visit - BUT just between you guys and me ...

I really want nothing to do with this family anymore. I think I can continue relations over the phone and care less for this toxic concept of a WILL. At least as that concept be for my family. Is best to just expect nothing and work on what I can over the phone with my mother. I really need to put my foot down with all this controlling and game playing. I'll maybe offer my mother a visit after my Stepdad passes away. I won't say it like that but I will allude to it somehow. She knows I wont be doing anyone's funeral. I find those gatherings to be total BS and a massive trigger for families like mine. Best I did with my brother was invite some of his friends that were not welcome and hang up the very back in a corner. My brother really was the only one that understood me as I did him. I've just been clinging to the idea re my mother like a burnt child in need. My therapist will get it.

The only funeral I will do in my life time and I hope I don't have to is either my own children or my wife. We have stickily canceled out any biblical references whatsoever and or religious symbolism. Thankfully the world is offering more options these days with less and less BS being the case with end of life.

I really got to make a stand and let go of this family. I'll leave the lines open for my mum but no longer interested in their will (I always knew it would be bad Kama - my wife is so right about that) or even this granny flat. This visit has really helped to open my eyes.

Now ... another 10 days to go unless I work things out a bit earlier.

[salvator here]

Wow, thank you for sharing those picture of where you grew up. It looks beautiful.

I"m here for you and reading and the 10 days can't come fast enough.

[Ponder]

Context: Here I Go Again ...


I actually don't mind working on auto pilot Sal. This is one I put together not long after my wife decided she needed space. Its been about five years now and I would do well to upgrade that mattress. There is a hell of a lot to be said for routine. I dearly miss it. It's really hard to get the simple things down pat with so much undue stress. A big part of this journal is the abilty to self program. I've lost control of that over the last few years. I've struggled recently with getting back into the basics but going to make another go of things re my self programming.
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I hate to admit it, but I had to do a backflip and bow down to all three of them. I don't mean to sound or be selfish in saying this, but I also had to do it for myself. Remember when I said I don't do well leaving things on a bad note? Yes I tried a few times and it did not work and for all intent purposes, it still has not when it comes to me being understood for who I am as each of them still wants me to think and feel according to what they see as just. This makes me very sad. This is why words fail me when I am not writing. I'm not sure if people in here would rate me as articulate, but liking to think so ... my point is that when not writing in here ... it hurts me to communicate with words in a world where people would rather tell others how to be, rather than simply just be.

Once this trip is over I will stop writing about the drama of my daily living. I hope to make future posts as mundane as the gif I created so long ago when things where actually much more self directed than they now be - despite my title "Here We Go Again ..." That was from my old YouTube Channel that I never really got going. Mental Health Vlogs.

I hope my wife understands. I think she will if I explain mindfully. I know how much it means to her for me to bend over and simply just take it from the courts. If I can't do it with my own family then I will never be able to do it with anyone outside it. Another way to maybe perceive it, "It's one thing to say I don't give two $#@!s about the money, but then let my ego lead the way." If something is not working, then is best to change one's point of view. I remember saying that recently. That's all I am doing. I did say when attempting to bridge the gaps yet again, that I will not always fit their boxes as that is not who I be, however I will do my best to accommodate their position if it puts them at ease. This meant I had to sit for up to 20 minutes battling the little voice in my head whom was having a hard time with what it was hearing and even more so that when I tried to share my perspective I simply had to accept that I was not being heard with the same mutual respect unless I was agreeing to how they wanted me to be. I did my best to remain true to myself but in a way that just had to allow them what they wanted to see. That is not meaning the next time I see them I will disregard their expectations by allowing my ego to start having it's own set of perquisites that others must fit into. Self respect yes, but that's not it. It's hard to explain without looking like a complete sap.

I basically got to do my best with the principle of 'die to self' even though I am facing what appears to be the total opposite from that which I am facing. My silent demeanor can be very challenging to others who thrive on constant feedback who then become more demanding the longer I pause whilst myself remaining emotionless. I just color coded those words as that is one of many traits where I am not understood. I admit that I also struggle with this trait when I see it in others, so understand why people get conflicted when confronted with said silence. "Are You Listening!" is something that has been repeated a lot to me of late. Not because it is obvious that I am not listening, but because they are wanting an answer straight away and one that they want rather than the mutual act of actually listening. Being on the spectrum can make this really hard when communicating let alone dealing with people that are less willing to provide space.
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There are extremes to these dynamics of communicating where the I can be found passionately speaking at speed and well understood but then at other times I am rather slow in thought struggling to find words typically with people who simply either do not respect and or understand me. Basically I stand with much of what I have said regarding my perception of my family and have tried to express how they do not and in my opinion will never understand me. That said, I have often talked about acceptance and ego. It's true, I don't give a shit about the money and whilst frustrated with my sisters focus on it of late regarding her own separation, I do understand he fear of the future and all that it may or may not hold. I for sure do not like the standards and expectations that my stepdad requires of me, but if he says he want's good for me and wants me to accept his desire regardless of how I feel ... I just say or said "It means a lot that you wish that for me, Thank You." I mean what is the point feeding my ego that knows that all three of them will never accept me for who I be.

Let not that last resistive thought diminish that act of giving in and allowing gratitude for the well wishing coming from those others whom are struggling themselves. It frustrates the hell out of me though. lol Alas I am in the best position at this point in my life to temper my ego and hopefully grow from it. There are so many conflicts I struggle to deal with in other people simply from my inability to process as I once did. Like I am still the same as I have ever been but the onion peels that have been stripped away means dealing in general life as the world be and people be ... as the programing and algorithms be ... makes living all that much harder.

In the spirit of the above gif, all I want to do is wake up in the morning and do what I got to do to get trough the day and keep doing it until my time is done. That spirit need not identify with the desires and wants of others, but if it helps me sleep at night, I will concede.

For now - I'll also take another 5mg as well. I skipped last night but since tomorrow is going to be another challenging day saying good by to my sister and dealing with my niece and nephews - every bit of help I can get will count. The good news Sal, is that it looks like I will be able to get away in about 4 days instead of 10. Touch Wood! Do not mistake my willingness to give in as weakness. It's %#@!ing hard core to do but I know in the end once I get back home I will be all the better for it. Then I can truly feel as it I did all I could.

Fact is, when I am supported you would not beleive the difference in the way I am treated.

I might actually have a shave and shower when I wake up tomorrow.

I hope this finds you well.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz another day done!

[salvator here]

For what its worth.. I think you're doing the 'right thing' by not leaving things in a bad way. You're stronger than I; I'm not even on speaking terms with a lot of my family. I tried several years ago and it failed, but I know in my heart I did my best. I mean we are only human.

I understand you well I think after reading this and our other talks in other places here and you were always there to help me and seemed to know what to say and not say.

Don't worry, you won't get addicted and skipping a day was a good idea. If used for more than 3 day it just starts to lose effectiveness honestly; because, you're not lacking GABA, rather boosting that neurotransmitter to "offset" other areas where stress is causing you issues. An extra 5MG isn't going to hurt. I'm on clonazepam (a benzo) and am trying to actually cut back myself .. and I have indeed from where I was. Without it everything seems daunting and my APRN also doesn't want to to wind up hospitalized again. I just managed it myself and cut back when I can and if I need it, its there.

And I also understand and support you with what ever you want to post or need to. As you see, I don't post much anymore here or elsewhere. I play forum chit-chat and try to help others. I guess I'm just sick of my shit ... haha

But I'm glad you had/have this space here and I'm glad to be here to talk to you during this (we'll call it) strange time. Family can be so difficult to deal with when we are supposed (taught) that family it there to comfort us. Well. I've never experienced this phenomenon; myself.

I'm ok, I guess. Ya know, sort of just going on auto pilot here as well most days and just getting through the day and when its bed time (around 10PM) I consider it yesterday and in the past and tomorrow is new day and I never know what I"m waking up to. Sometimes I'm quite scrambled and it takes time for me to get a grip.