Yea Yea I know - Back Again

[Ponder]

I am managing to do what I have been doing the last week or so with taking pics but this time happy to do it from a car window and indoors. Having the good fortune to be picked up and be driven to my destination meant that I could bring my own table and more computers gear. Having photoshop up and posting on AF is no drain for me. Instead I find doing these these continues to help me during these times. Especially now. That said, I know what you mean. Is all good. I know how to be optimistic when it counts. For now I am just chilling with my usual tunes as well.

Relaxing with environmental controls. The pipes can freeze in these parts and a cold front in on the way.


I like what you said about your mum not because that too is very much the same my end but more because of your line of thought when sharing like so. I will share more of the dynamics to this trip because I think you will also like what you hear. Your are right that this trip is good for me. It took some years to bury the hatched with my mum and then my sister. Today I caught up with my niece whom I have not had contact with since a family row back in 2014 over my brothers death. I apologized to her, hugged her and then broke down in tears momentarily. My sister joined in for a hug and all was well. I met some nephews for the first time. So thus far the trip has been very rewarding.

I think I take my last pill for the week as I think I should be right ... will just have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow. For now I kick back watch some relaxing media. Once I feel noddy I'll retire to my new bedroom with my usual ben head phone mount and continue till I basically fall to sleep. The rinse an repeat method from there I will work on over the next 15 days. My grandson gave me a huge hug and is flipping over his abacas calenderer counting the days till I come back. The first couple of days back will be hard as that's when the court case will be in full swing. I'll be wondering about both our futures during couple of days.

This is a wrap for now. I just chill between now and then.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Until next pics

[Ponder]

I know Gypsy would like this:

[salvator here]

I am managing to do what I have been doing the last week or so with taking pics but this time happy to do it from a car window and indoors. Having the good fortune to be picked up and be driven to my destination meant that I could bring my own table and more computers gear. Having photoshop up and posting on AF is no drain for me. Instead I find doing these these continues to help me during these times.

Oh great, look forward to also enjoying your trip vicariously here. Been a very long time since I've traveled long distance.

Yeah, I also quite enjoy P!ink as shes is brave and honest and her music reflects here personality well; and I miss Gypsy Lee and hope she's doing alright as we've not heard from her in so long. She's with me on nomorepanic but hasn't posted there in a long time either.

Take good care

[Ponder]

Not sure how to write this one up. Did I forget to mention I have a really *&^%ed up family? Family dispute has broken out over parents 'Will' which of course never bodes well in family's with a history of dysfunction. It matters little how we got onto the topic but considering matters of illness and age it is no surprise that we did. I think my sister just wanted to let me know her intentions being overseer of the will and that of course she has my best interest at heart. Unfortunately this aspect has been something of a tender issue with me and very bad timing for my sister to bring up given my current position.

I do not share their Christian beliefs which can be frustrating from a hierarchal position being one that often thrives on blame and shame. This has often had me on opposite ends to the family to where my acceptance back into the fold is based on my willingness to comply with their system of belief. It's never written in stone like it once was but the deception is very much the same. The whole issue of being helped with my shoulder surgery was brought up as some kind of beholden thing where of course the help my sister receives is never brought up. My sister yelled at me 'Where have you been the last 20 years!' Other hallmark comments that fit the bill where all present. Again with the fact that I was still in need of being forgiven and that they would do as they saw fit. In fact my mother started yelling at me brining stuff up that I said in anger during the time of my brothers death.

Fuck it man. I really am over this shit. I did not even bring this shit up but after my sister carrying on the way she did "it's easy for you guys as you have lived in rent all your life so I need more to buy a house..." yadda yadda and on with more stupid comments like that. Mine this and mine that. You know I kind of just remained silent thinking about an article I recently read "How to keep your cool in court" that I actually started practicing some of the tips whilst my sister unloaded with all this stuff about being in control of the will and bla bla - I have your back covered. She started putting a price on the house in which both parents are still breathing and I'm just nodding my head letting her come out with more and more. The furniture this and that ... I will have this and you can have that. I'm like "Oh Ok ... what else can I have?" whilst watching how invested my sisters responses kept coming it was clear to me this whole discussion was very much about my sisters laying down her intentions and that was that. She even said that was nothing I could do to change my mothers mind after I quietly challenged her by implying that I ought to have an input.

So there you have it. From Hero to Zero! But it's more complex than that. I am so sick of playing this game of poor black sheep comes on back and then all this strings attached BS with the helping hand Vs good compliance and well to be brutal - feathering the nest mentality. How quick the claws came out with I suggest this may be a good example for an independent non beneficiary when it comes to the passing on of good will. This really upset them all.

Sigh ... I know this may have me read as a hypocrite to those who beleive in such hierarchal structures but I will no longer be party to said strings. Waving money in front of me and offering this and that just not bode well. Kama ... should just stick with the 'don't want anything principle' and deal with hard cold facts and work on accepting that. Sadly any ground that was made was had tonight all come undone and I really should not of been enticed thinking I was going to be unconditionally accepted back into the fold. For me it is still very much a case of standards, greed and position all mixed into one.

I am just as susceptible as my sister to such things, but have no interest in playing the games. I have no filters and no not how to play along. Today it backfired on her and showed me were my parents true feelings still lay.

The good news is that these latest events have endeared my wife closer to me as it is very much the same in her family where her mother has outright said she has cut her out of the will. Quite toxic their relations too. You see how it is with people who have lots of money? The best way is to simply say fuck it and leave well alone. I will now do this, but still hurt about having tried to make efforts as usual but wind up being told once more how they have spent so much on me and how I am still in need of being forgiven. If only I would bow my knee and ask Jesus into my life. Then holly shit, streets of Gold would be mine for the taking. chuckles.

My good friend I know I must seem a complete crack pot having going from much needed time out into a great start that has quickly become a frying pan. Stayed tuned because the way things are going I might very well end up in the streets of this little town looking for another place too call home. I really should of traveled light. I am starting to see the appeal.

My bad to be sure. Yawns ... tonight in need 5mg more. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz z

My assigned psychologist calls me tomorrow. lmfao. Just thinking about how I will be outlining this one.

Good news re court ... the father has lodged no affidavits, has no solicitor and looks as if he is not turning up. I can't blame him with just how much stuff we have brought up. Even his own teenage daughter speaking out against him. The independent child lawyer wants to request an adjournment to investigate further the evidence of ongoing abuse. My wife's lawyer is thinking about just getting all parties to agree with proposed orders where My wife/maternal grandmother gets sole custody and the father only see the child 4 times a year with supervised visits. I am very much down with that. Still thought ... there is a difference between the ICL and my wife's solicitor in all that with more time needed to make decisions which means my wife is and has asked politely for me to 'hang in there' with things having become what they are down on my end.

Me ... I think am nearly at the point to lighten my load and be done with everything and just book myself into the nearest city homeless shelter.

Narrr - I'll avoid that at all costs. My wife seems more happy to have me back since things went ape shit so suddenly with my family. Funny how that works. She is the one that reminded me about karma and family wills. I fully agree.

Until tomorrow. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

edit ... lets all just blame the devil and say it's too hard to talk about.

[Ponder]

Nanna is still cool though. They only turned her right at the last moment with respect to finding the Lord. She never really cared what road I traveled on and was always truly open with no expectations.

OK on the nod now ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[salvator here]

Read every word and will write later on - I promise. Lord have mercy, dare I even use that phrase in this instance.

Anyway, sleep it off my friend.

[salvator here]

Well, just wow! What can we say, really. Thats fucked up to say the very least.

--The good news is that these latest events have endeared my wife closer to me as it is very much the same in her family where her mother has outright said she has cut her out of the will. Quite toxic their relations too.

--Good news re court ... the father has lodged no affidavits, has no solicitor and looks as if he is not turning up. I can't blame him with just how much stuff we have brought up. Even his own teenage daughter speaking out against him. The independent child lawyer wants to request an adjournment to investigate further the evidence of ongoing abuse. My wife's lawyer is thinking about just getting all parties to agree with proposed orders where My wife/maternal grandmother gets sole custody and the father only see the child 4 times a year with supervised visits. I am very much down with that. Still thought ... there is a difference between the ICL and my wife's solicitor in all that with more time needed to make decisions which means my wife is and has asked politely for me to 'hang in there' with things having become what they are down on my end.

--My wife seems more happy to have me back since things went ape shit so suddenly with my family. Funny how that works. She is the one that reminded me about karma and family wills. I fully agree.

Out of all that, though, I'm actually quite happy to see this, in turn, actually may have given strength and bond you and your wife needed, and I'm glad at least things seem to be headed in the right direction regarding court.

I didn't intentionally leave out all you addressed that was wrong there, but I don't think there is anything i could say to be of any benefit other than: you tried and it not your fault.

[Ponder]

I understand Sal. TY. My wife contacted me via text asking if I got any sleep. I can tell you that means more to me than any of the drama that has ensued. If I may continue with a little context as no more than a means to continue processing without risk of weighing you down, I would like to continue writing a little more about my experience.

When I arrived here, my sister’s clothes were strewn across the bed that I was told where I would be sleeping. It seemed as if no effort was made to tidy up the place or preparations made to make a visiting family member welcome. I have always lived in the shadow of my other siblings. At times it often feels as these family dynamics are intentional and it’s realizations like that, that cuts deeper than the squabbling status and material things.

What I am dealing with here is historical and learned behaviors. Deeply ingrained within a family known of its compulsive disorder. Alas just because my sister is doing what she does subconsciously does not mean it is right. My sisters position in all this is utilizing funds from my parents to help her fight for money from her divorce. Since my recent visit all this talk about money from my sister has never stopped. It really was her the brought up to damn topic of my parents will full stop. But I won’t stop there as revelation’s have come to the boil and I felt given what was in motion I would let run as they did.

I'm often easily played but this time I was more educated and poised to make an informed decision. As I alluded to in my previous post I remained calm whilst letting my sister unravel as she did. The closest I got to 'reacting' was making note to my friend whom dropped me off about the state of the granny flat re my sister making her presence felt. We just stacked all my stuff into one corner then went to request if anyone needed their things in the granny flat; could they please go grab them.

After quietly sneaking into the house. the next big decision was the one where I remained poised lingering in the background whilst my sister and parents were watching the news exchanging opinions. I pondered much in that time from my usual outside perspective. I moved to make a distraction where I was then asked 'what do you want?' at other times it comes out as "Yes David?"

Those distinctions as perceived by me cannot be understood without context. Although I am thinking you might understand me enough by now Sal. Once as a 16-year-old without a home (which was common for me most of my childhood) I had hitched hiked over 1500 kilometers [maybe more or less] to my mother's door and was also asked at that time ... "what do you want?" "Yes David."

I remained pretty calm last night and said I think we need to talk. The usual responses came as they did decades ago - "It hurts too much" - "Your killing us" - "I don't want to talk" - "Just deal with it" with the latter being the most widely used phrase comeback used over the years. After I continued to quietly reason and make suggestions asking if they would consider ... I also made my sisters actions transparent in an act of self-respect for myself, well … I was simply dismissed with lots of yelling and screaming from all three of them. My Step Dad, Mum and Sister all at once.

The weird thing in all this - or maybe not so weird … Hmmm - I don't know how I kept so cool Sal. I think I was just overcome with sadness in an accepting way that held me both sombre and sober. The three of them were yelling and thrashing about and I calmly answered each question as they

“Who the hell do you think you are!" [finger being repeatedly projected into my personal space] I replied, "I am your son, I am your son, and I am your brother.

"You are still in need of forgiveness.“ I replied to my Step Dad, whilst asking the others to please wait, "What do I have to be forgiven for? … I thought we had all moved on?” My Dad just then went on about the money they paid to help with my shoulder surgery whilst banging his chest talking about his rights.

At the same time my mum cried out "How dare you tell me, 'I cut you out of your life!' ..." whilst expressing with bitter sorrow and a screwed thrashing her finger like my sister in my personal space. I replied, "During 'my brother’s death' we all said things we did not mean. I thought had just dealt with that? I know I have.

Basically all three of them were yelling and thrashing about with a unified projected negative mind set using oppressive language designed to put me in my place. I think my unusually poised position even angered them more. My sister started calling me a narcissist and that I was no different to her husband.

I have always been despised for my apparent simpleton way of reflecting truth and always asking questions that I am told give cause for heart attacks. Even as a child I was always told as much. Nothing has changed. Except maybe all the years later when I turn up with a buddha sitting on my dashboard. That event turned out similar to last night but just in a different way.

OK … my therapist is about to call.

I am very glad I have this space. Thanks for listening.

[Ponder]

You know much about this 'Temazepam aka Restoril ?' I know it's a valium derivative and quoted online as a good short-term option for sleep. Just wondering if you knew much about it. Like I know I can go read and I have. I have 12 10mg tablets left and I am to cut them in half so that makes for 24 doses left. Generally I was using Diazepam as prescribed by the psychiatrist who DXed me last. There was like a *&^%ing hundred tablets in that bottle he gave me. They must of been 5mg tablets for sure and even then I ended up only using them in one off scenarios with no longer than 3 days max in a row. I actually threw the bottle out with pills in them because I thought they would have to be off having not used then in so long.

Right now though, with the shit going on, I am taking one 5mg every night till I get the fuck out of this pace. I'm just waiting on my ride out of this one horse town which is going to be at least a week away. My step Dad won't let me go out the front door or makes a big deal every time I come into the house with that same shit "Yes? What do you want?" I went to the only local shop that makes hamburgers got myself one and picked up some 2 minute noodles but when I got back was met by a locked security gate after trying to explain to please not lock me out earlier in the day. FFS! I had to bang loudly on that gate as it's connected beyond the house and granny flat. Every time I go out into the yard to get sun, all the local dogs bark like someone is braking into someone's place. Just another fucking thing to make me feel welcome. The sad thing is, it's always been like this when ever I come home. Except when my support person came with me last time. Go figure. Grrrrrrrrr. Doing my best to hold it together.

As good as it is being away from the masses, I feel very vulnerable in a kind of social isolated way and think it matters little what town I am in. I can't wait to get back home. My wife also wants me to come back as well. I'm very glad we have kept out clean record of no separation despite feeling isolated at home as well. Because my wife is not a religious freak there is more flexibility to work around things and I always know exactly how she really feels. Here they pretend all the time until you call them out in which case they turn on you with Gods Vengeance.

Sigh. Srry ... I sense I am going on yet again but fuck it ... it is what it is and it's better out than in. I can see the appeal of owning a car now but don't think I have enough on my pension to keep two. I lost my car when that *&^%ing nut case ran into my car and chase my down with a pick axe! To be sure I got money back and bought another one but told my wife she could have it. I'm kind of skittish driving these days although have been getting back into it for the sake of experience only. The front and back security I put in makes me feel a bit better. Anyways - my wife uses that car all the time for our grandsons needs so I basically just get around with my support worker. My wife makes a good point that we can't afford two cars and although I wish for it at times, she is right as usual. Even if I did go out on my own I don't think I would be better off traveling light in future. No one was to know except maybe my wife how things could of turned out in this one horse town. I'm hoping she gets everything she wants with this court thing and that in her easing off with all that built up stress that over time she will be more receptive to my closing that huge gap that has come about between us. It is still possible and a worth goal to be sure.

Please don't mind me ...

Continued next post:

[Ponder]

You know that when they hear me listening to Tibetan vibes and or I break out any Buddhist trinkets, they start praying for me and warn me that is why things go wrong in my life. Me - I find it is only one of the few things that relaxes me. Mostly because it does not judge or have any expectations of me:



I really can't believe I came back for this shit. Big sigh on that one. The things I got to do to get my wife to feel for me. lol. I will reach out to her when I get back with a goofy look on my face saying "Can I please have a hug now?" I know she will smile and it might be all me holding her tight but that will do.

Yesterday in the shop I saw an old guy that allowed his wife to take me in back in the day when I was going to the local high school. I remembered him as Mr Reed. So I says "Hi Mr Reed" he then looks at me and says something about being to old to be called Mr, going to say that he would be 80 next week. I then searched for words looking about and said "how about Sir? Would that be OK?" Then his wife popped out around the corner with a big smile but kind of keeping it on the low but looking towards me all the same moving into my space with what felt warm vibes. I did not recognize her at first but she was really good to me back in those days. She had me stay on there farm for a while and did not jam their relgion down my throat. I rode their horses like there was no tomorrow - well actually ... their horses bolted on me and I just appeared to make it look easy. LOL. They liked that about me. If I had my way I would have all the towns folk call him Sir Mr Reed. It was nice to run into one of the few foster families I've never really talked about in such a light. Sigh ... fuck my parents man. Truly. How fucking dare they claim I need to be forgiven. It's that religions beholden shit that lead to my brother feeling so ashamed and never being accepted for his past so called misgivings. This back door treatment and the little comments "Yes?" Grrrrrrrr

Truly - this round trip ending up like it has is really is about letting saying my goodbyes. I soften up one last time when my sister came into the flat to collect the last of her things by saying in my meager and earnest voice "I'm not going to contest the will, none of this has anything to do with that." My reason for saying this is to let her have her way, whilst attempting to acknowledge to her the essence of all I tried to explain calmly last night whilst they went hell for leather on me. I do not want the ill feeling so figured alleviating her fear about me contesting the will would be nice to let her now I have no intention of doing. I was hoping the Tibetan tunes in the background with my soft voice and somber demeaner might have her pause and acknowledge some of the essence on her way out. She paused, but then kept moving a split second later taking the last of her things with her. Is all good though. I think it did the right thing because I do not do well leaving things in a bitter way from me end. The con to that is often being easily led but in this case I am not sorry for taking a stand by more so was just trying to make my sister see that I am not so easily led any more but am still kind of heart. I want to say those negative patterns I talked about earlier will change for us all but more often than not when stress mounts like it does we each fall victims to our well known roles.

Knock Knock ... Mum has just knocked on the door for the first time. She came to get something out for the freezer that she was storing there. It was another opportunity to alleviate the tension to which we did. However unresolved issues are not going to change and I can see that now. It's not like I should expect it, but the predisposition as I see it that comes with their way of being Vs my own fallibility means I will have to make more of an effort to leave on a good note despite my frustrations over last night. I will not visit again with my sister being here due to the nature of her invested relations during this time regardless my perceptions on that. Of course this was an unplanned visit and I'm betting my mother did not like the situation either.

I am super sensitive to the agendas people have and my mum has explained she is also getting sick of it as well. People doing too much for her ect ... My step father is pretty much determined to remain vigil to his perspective as he is very much near his end. I can respect that, although very disheartened with his stance as is. If anything, it is all the more reason I must ensure I leave on a good 'touch' with my mum. I may not see her again. The unresolved issues my sister have in the way she negotiates in general, towards her own goals will very much interfere with relations as time moves on from here on in. I really wish mum had her own phone and that my sister was not always on the other end when I call to speak to mum. It's not all the time, but enough and getting more than case. Much deception has been played in the past and it's only set to get worse with automated responses ruling the roost when topics come up that are kept at bay and withheld from others. Again my need for transparency was put in place last night and the fact remains they all beleive that I should have no say. That alone with the complications of one sibling controlling as they do ... is reason enough for me to say my goodbyes while I can. This being good advice from my closest friend.

I am not sure I want a photo. I've never been any good with that when it comes to reflecting on family or people. I guess it must be an ASD thing. I am all about NOW but my experience has been that everyone from my siblings to parents saying it's too painful to be in the now; always later. At least in a way that shows us all up for who we really are. Knows that one it too hard to explain and where words fail. Me expecting too much again or coming back asking people what they mean.

Sigh ... I think it's 5mg time.

I will cry very hard when my mum is gone despite my wife not understanding why I keep coming back despite the dysfunction. It is no different to how my grandson plays destructive with his baby dolls in order that his father likes him. He loves those dolls and nurtures them kindly when he is with me, but then when on skype with his Dad, he smashes them about the place. He explained why and I totally get it. However in that instance intervention is needed and is duly acted on. In my case, I need to be the one to stop playing the role that leads to said suffering. So it is once more I really need to come up with a gentle touch when exiting.


I understand very much why my mother prefers very much for me to return with a support person like I did last time. Sadly they do not understand my wish or head my advice as recommended on the government website to also having a 3rd party executing wills after you are gone. They require me to have a 3rd party, but are unwilling to have one of their own in order to alleviate what they would have made easier for themselves when they are gone and instead put one sibling over another knowing full well the history of past contention. Go figure?


Alas ... if I do ever come back, you can be sure it will be with a 3rd person and hopefully without my sister anywhere to be seen. Yes I still love her ... but no longer trust her and not sure I ever really did. I will leave on good terms with my mum and request a future 'planed' visit without my sister present but to bring along my support person whom I know she likes very much. It will be interesting to see that goes down.


I'll let you know tomorrow. chuckles. Yes this is a stage ... but I am done doing this and life all on my own. Just know this is as real as it gets.


I'm a nut case to be sure ... but I like you sal and I like the confidence you give me just by being one other active member in here making it count.


Later dude ... sorry I have been so consumed.


I am thinking of you too Sal -