Yea Yea I know - Back Again

[Ponder]

You know, I remember when we made enough money my wife suggest I just get off welfare all together. The rang us when I did and asked why I was no longer on their system. ahahahahaaaa - Fuckwits tried to get me back on it. Can you believe it? I just told them it was not worth the pain and aguish being on it and to FUCK OF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Eventually we would all have to go back to said system with great regret because at the end of the day it is so fucking repressive. What was once left in the community has been centralized completely now. The DSP may eventually be next in some form or other but whatever happens happens. My issue is working up into a routine then having the rugged pulled out from under me as the NDIS looks to keep taking away supports after each review. My make up as defined by the reports show how this inconsistency does not work for me as reflected in the PHaMs project that only meant to be a stepping stone and me being on it for years running with support letters to warrant it ... yet another process of jumping hoops.

Whilst a little different to my point, every time the support is pulled I regress and go backwards purely from a point of conflict in context with the need to stay in the zone. The system as is has fuck all understanding of what they are dealing with when it comes to mental health but sadly the cunts pulled out existing supports that were simply flexible compared to the current fuckwits that have no fucking idea. They well and truly fucked things up!!! I will try this last point of call but no one behind the desk really gives a fuck. They are just puppets caught up in the system and some of them taking it out on clients as what happened to me in my last review. I trust my coordinator but really have fuck all motivation left after this next session of hoop jumping.

The supports work when the consistency is there and the fucking useless assessors take the time to read and educate themselves but the complete opposite has taken place in my case. I know how to make things works once I get going but then - like I say - I am unable to change pace when fucking pushed around like that bitch did to me at the review and all else ... well ... pushing shit up hill from here. I will try one more time - I am in the end like us all - just a commodity. How hard to I want to play?

They are simply too rigid for the likes of me despite my challengers. As long as they don't take away the DSP then I should be OK. I'll just refrain from integrating. Which suits me just fine as all I really want to do is disconnect from society. Then I might actually start to heal. I'll try one last time to get things corrected, but if they ignore their own rules then why even fucking bother? As already pointed out regarding the permanent nature of disability ... What they denied me on when applying for NDIS was in complete conflict with the DSP- FUCKING IDOTS! lol ... seriously. Fuck them ... I will not bow down and be treated poorly and bend over again for the to fuck me like so.

I will spell out the inconsistency and mid it with my emotion like I do in here whiteout giving two fucks what any of them think when reading this shit.

Arrrrrrrr ... Just a little more context is all ... keeping it REAL

[Ponder]

Sal - I really appreciate you helping me to decide what is really best for me, but if you don't mind. I will use my outline 3 posts back offline and somehow format in a way that is more helpful for my coordinator. I'm currently in a loop and think I would do well to stick with the new space I made at the self made forum:

https://onlinejournals.proboards.com/

It really is a much more healthy directions for me to take. This last ditch I will see through but my deep desire to disconnect from society is very strong and something I think is what I need to do pending the direction NDIS want to take with me. I don't know what direction I will take with them. I just know the inconsistency is doing my head in and now one from NDIS really cares. All I need is that one person who is just fair and genuine behind that desk. The only one I knew has and get this "move onto greener pastures." Go figure. NDIS will just look to keep pulling the supports from under my feat which I just can't handle anymore. I will take time later to polish said effort those few posts back. Thanks for giving me the steam to right it. There is more that needs to be added and of course leave out all the emotion. That's how they work.

In the meantime I need to break away from this forum and set myself an example of what I can do when it comes to disconnecting. I only know two ways. Do or not Do. When I put my mind to it I am usually very successful at what I choose to do, but when being led along as described, that shit I can't do - not when they do it like that. There are things I can't do without support, but nothing that is going to kill me or hold me back from looking after my grandson. Like I say, I just want be integrating into society is all and that is fucking fine my me. I either do it supported or I don't fucking bother at all. There used to be supports that did not have strings you see. You could just pop in whenever, come and go according to the cycles as they 'naturally' come. What the rulers have done now it make you sign agreements with conditions where you either have to access by x number of times otherwise you can not participate. That there plays into the funding side of things ... its all become money orientated which fucks with my head and is not account for me capacity. There are many facets like this that have changed everything. I shudder to think how homeless shelters are now being run. What the fuck ever. The whole lot has been dehumanized and so too the way people are being treated.

I got to make this my last post here Sal. I kind of alluded that is where I was heading. I do thank you once again for reaching out and do hope you will visit me at the above link. I'll probably go on with things about my day to day life ... but I will do it where I take up less space. Is best to let this place naturally go back where it needs to be.

As for NMP - I've not seen if there is a reply and I doubt they will make up a subsection for people to specifically journal in ... I will check back in there to see though.

In the mean time your welcome to join that forum I made up as you can just PM me there as well if not just use it to log in your own posts in some kind of safe space to say whatever and however you want similar to what I am doing here. I doubt I will ever change my intuitive way of expressing. I'm just simply relocating to do it elsewhere. Time for change.

Hope to see you around.

It would be best if you kept your reply if you wish to make one in the new forum I made as for now I just want to delete this web address from my bookmark and history. I have an extremely compulsive nature and need to break this train of thought. It truly takes me days until I make a final decision. I just need to right my boat. so many conflict and inconsistencies.

Hope to get a message sometime over at
https://onlinejournals.proboards.com/

Or if NMP open up a Journal area ... who knows. That said, I'm betting their moderation could not handle me.

Peace Brother - Love ya heaps.

Let me find one parting photo ... ... see what I mean ... still struggling to leave. Let's put that down to attachment issues. BRB - I'M BACK - found one ( I really need to do more of this) - but trust me ... this is a last time deal:

OK - Dear Sal ... Be as well as you can Be. However, whatever and whenever that Be - You will always be welcome to contact me.
You know where to find me. If you forget just come back here and click on the Picture. Just look for 'Newbie' who will be trying to forget everything. : )

Toogoom Australia QLD (Fixter Park)


Farewell - It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday! Keep in touch.


Please leave do not respond here as I just want this left finished as is. TY Let someone else break the chain - I don't want to come to see it. Again ... you know where I'll be, but understand if you wish to leave be.

[Memaw52]

I'm glad that you have moral support. You are so lucky. Good photos aswell.

[Ponder]

Forgive me, but given the context of what you have just brought to light, your reference is not clear here. Which supports are you refering to? Those that know me, know the dynamics at play here. To of highlighted this 'old' post whilst I have recently expressed vunrability and given the nature re the ending of this here thread ... I can only say that I am very confused about your intentions here. I'll leave that for others to decide. Currenty we have trouble makers here.

But ty, is good to be back writting agian, despite the amount of trolling taking place in the forum.

Thankyou for your reply. Hope this finds you well. We each have the supports we seek. No luck involved with mine. Its taken quit a lot of effort on the part of many, incuding mysef. Alls the best in your own quests.

[Ponder]

Adding to that, given I never get a response other than many posts later that have nothing to do with ever having made a connection makes it quite obvious we are dealing with yet another single individual using multiple accounts. And so the games go on.

[Ponder]

The intent here is pretty clear. - How's about we make this a new thread and we can let all the cats out of the bag?

[Ponder]

Scratch that, but we can pick this up and keep it moving if only to bury the intent. My Son has arrived from the big smoke. Just finished weeding and doing a little relaxing yard work together under overcast skies. Just getting ready to go out and pick up Pizza and come back for a little gaming which we have already done. Must remember to pick up some Gaviscon. Rinse and repeat.

More posts to come in an attempt to bury this feeble attempt. Look forward to catching up soon.

[Ponder]

[Ponder]

Getting bored - going to have a play with the forum troll.

[salvator here]

...No luck involved with mine. Its taken quit a lot of effort on the part of many, inducing myself.

Yeah, it takes great strength and courage to keep going, and if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have none. No luck here here either. That being said: I'm on 'Good Run' Of Bad Luck. Life is a gamble I suppose.

You could've given in, but you didn't. Its hard to fight when life takes away every ounce of energy.