Yea Yea I know - Back Again

[salvator here]

A little better, I guess. Going for a walk today and see if I can shake it off. About 3PM and sunny today.

Hope your day is better and you can make the best of it regardless of your situation.

[Ponder]

Also hope your feeling better Sal. It will pass and what does not we endure as best we can. The affidavit was only a small part of a larger process that is snowballing over the next two weeks. I have appointment with solicitor later but thankful I have support person accompanying me.

I share the following image in the context of 'Time Out!' Unfortanley I sold all my ultralight hiking gear as well. Something I am thinking about picking up once more. This was during a trip atop of ridge line some way from the hustle and bustle but admittedly still within ear shot of a main road where you could here passing vehicles. The following morning we woke up in a thin cloud of smoke as local authorities were performing a 'burn-off.' Where they do a controlled burn of the bush to stave off uncontrollable bush fires. We should of check ahead of time. I can tell you we packed up like there was no tomorrow and got the hell out as we were also illegally camped. You just can't go anywhere anymore.

All that aside - my son and I had a relaxing time:
______________
_____
__

TAKING WHATEVER TIME OUT I CAN GET - RESTING UNDER DURESS.

[Ponder]

I guess there are two takes when therapists give thought to clients who do online journaling. The cons of over-identification Vs the benefits of self-expression. That is not to say each does not come with its own set of pros and cons.
So it is in this awareness I tread lightly as I highlight my current situation entailing tendencies towards separation from a 30-year long relationship with my wife. It pains me to say I genuinely feel I have never been so close to wishing that I be living by myself. It is quite agonizing to think about as part of me wants to stay and the other wishes to be gone. Both lines of thought being quite serious and not reactionary. I’ve felt this way for a while now regardless of those trigger events that typically lead to such thoughts.

I am tired of being referred to as the retarded one. Not always in so many words. Just the one that often is to blame when stuff goes wrong. The view of me from other family members and resultant behavioral patterns that develop unhealthy mind sets that often do more to keep one disabled as opposed to being enabled. Granted the latest proceeding with the family court produce a toxic environment at the best of times with all that contention in and out of whatever buildings has greatly impacted everyone in my family but regardless of that I have felt this way ever since I was ordered out of my wife’s bedroom some years ago.

Things have never been the same for me or moreover things have gone downhill for me in both intimacy and the regard both parties hold for each other. Mutual respect, confidence and all those type of things have taken a huge hit. The ‘system ‘I often refer to is as much a part of that affair and I don’t foresee my perception on such a dynamic would ever change. That said it is quite possible that my confidence might improve in at least finding my peace and being subject to less scrutiny that does more to keep me bound than would otherwise be.

Right now is not a good time to act on anything. I am just expression feelings more than I am intended acts. Whilst it is convenient for others say I am a support for my family in these times, I am also pushed to the side and considered a vulnerability by all those involved. It’s an irony that whilst others would use me in one light, they would quickly view me as said.

So it is that I now contemplate my future being very different than it is now. If a separation is to happen I hope, we can make it a mutual and assisted one where I continue to be included as an ongoing support. My only comfort is knowing that I myself currently have a network of supports. That we all do now. First I need to let proceedings continue and finish without me. It’s clear why I cannot be subject to such a toxic environment regarding court proceedings.

For now I draw upon one of the 2036 images I downloaded from my old Flickr account ... an old selfie superimposed project ... where I was in fact contemplating similar thoughts about six years ago. All in all, I think it’s a fair statement that I can’t wait till this journey ends. I do not choose nor remember choosing anything that so called spiritualist would have people be beleive. I think my greatest issue in life has been limited choices point blank. Of course that is a grey statement. Nothing is black and white.

[Ponder]

Did not want to leave this in too much of a downer as I know your also struggling. I have come up with a game plan. I'm still going to force myself outside, eat, walk and so forth. I have organised to go stay at my mums for a while. Just need to work out finances and transport. At this point its more about have time out than making a final desion. The only final descision that matters, is the futre of our grandson.

Its been agreed that I will return and look after him whike my wife and daughter head off for a couple of days to present at the trial.

Not feeling that crash hot but will do what I can to look after myself. Looks like I found my void. Atemps a smile. Night. At least now I have some meds. Chuckles know that kind of sums up things for me. I'll be OK

[salvator here]

Did not want to leave this in too much of a downer as I know your also struggling.

No, please don't worry about that, I'm fine. Say whatever and however you need to anytime without judgement or feel you need walk on eggshells.

My good man.. there are so many thoughts I have now after reading this entire posting, but as I keep reading it several times, I realize there is nothing I can say. If something come to mind that might be helpful today, I'll consider some import. Otherwise, I'll just be here to support you to get you through your deep sadness. A picture is worth a thousand words and while they are quiet, you are contemplating looking at the water.

Your wrote:
"Right now is not a good time to act on anything. I am just expression feelings more than I am intended acts. "

I think that is best because you need to heal yourself apart from your family.

Your wrote:
"I'm still going to force myself outside, eat, walk and so forth."

Yes, please do just that and don't just sit around too much and think. Do everything you can to get yourself in a better place because, honestly, you sound (to me) drained by this life (your journey). I agree 100% its exhausting and sometimes peace sounds quite enticing.

although, I know meds haven't helped you in the past very much, I'm glad to hear you have something to help with sleep because that is so very very important to us. When I don't sleep, I'm nobody even remotely human, wheres when I get around 5 hours of sleep, I can be (somewhat) functional.

Please take anything I say with a pinch of salt. I'm so totally 'full of it' most of the time, but I think you are making a good decision to take some times away and stay elsewhere for so many reasons - time out being crucial.

I don't pray and don't know how to send positive vibes (correctly) so I'll just keep you in my thoughts and send along well wishes in text when I can.

And know my heart goes out to you and I (truly) care about you.

[salvator here]

I have come up with a game plan. I'm still going to force myself outside, eat, walk and so forth. I have organized to go stay at my mums for a while. Just need to work out finances and transport.

more I thought about it, you *could* see it as a vacation to spend some time with your mum, so this way you're not thinking about this the whole time your staying with here.

But, yeah, need to get out and I'm going to force myself today; as well. Sort of crappy here but grey days don't bother me. I have to do a little shopping the dollar store for some essentials - should be ok as my anxiety isn't bad where I go because everyone assumes I'm retarded so I can relate to that feeling. So I don't have to 'pretend' to be something I'm not. Takes the pressure off and I actually stutter and stumble less when I'm not self conscious of it. Hard to explain. Anyway, on a lighter note, I did enjoy a black peppermint tea (actually 2 cups). Going for a walk and someone is picked my up in about 4 hours and hopefully we'll make it to starbucks.

Hope you will feel better today.

[salvator here]

Suffice it to say; I'm glad to be home and its quiet YAY!!!

I'm both physically and mentally exhausted and ready to relax with something on netflix - will let you know when I find something - looking for something to escape reality.

Otherwise, I'm ok, I guess. As I said where I go people know me so I feel a bit more at ease.

No need to reply to anything (of course).

I'll likely turn everything off tonight and settle down and just accept that I did the best I could considering my challenges. God knows our journey hasn't been a 'cake walk' by any stretch; thus far anyway.

Find something nice to drink and please be nice to your body and mind today. Be kind to yourself - not always easy to do sometimes.

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. Your advice has really helped give me perspective and also makes me feel more comfortable. For that I am very grateful. Today I was busy packing and organising supports. I am going to view this trip just as you suggest. I apologize that I can't say much more at this time as I am really tired and need sleep to make final prep in the morning and then leave. My long time friend and support person drove about 5 hours to get to my house. He brought his son with him whom knows me as Uncle Dave. We head off in the morning for a six hour journey to my mums where I will be dropped off.

I will go back through your responses again to reply in full later on as I read some stuff that made me smile. Basically your similarities that you share go a long way to validate much of my perspective and as such was the part the makes me feel understood when reading such things. It feels good to be understood. Thank you.

For now I am taking the medicine so should now get to bed and do my bit to get the best out of it.

Thanks again for your support. I did read every word of yours too and thinking of you as well.

Very very heart warming. THANK YOU.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz

[salvator here]

Oh, you're very welcome. I'm glad you seem more focused and looking forward to this. Please no worries and try to have fun and just allow yourself to enjoy your vaca. Appreciate even the travel time and scenery and conversation with your friend. Try to talk about things you enjoy and forget about this wacky world we inhabit Lol

I do call my Mom but I haven't seen her in quite some time as I don't travel anymore. I try to appreciate that she has her strange beliefs but I overlook them as I won't have her for long. Any memories that were unpleasant have been forgiven and washed away now and only love remains now.

Non need to even think about the forum unless you want to. In fact, might actually do you good to also take a forum break as well and don't fear; I"ll be here and at nomorepanic (of course) - I think this trip will do you wonders.

thanks for your well wishes and I do plan to also enjoy the upcoming summer weather and even perhaps even enjoy a swim - gawd ... its been ages. Ha!

~Sal

[Ponder]

... a couple of snap shots along the way:






Bellow - 8 KILLOMETERS OF WINDY ROAD = About 16km from the Granny Flat




Is good to have a home. Thanks Nanna! : D