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  1. #131
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    Hi Sal, I was very much hoping you might.

  2. #132
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    It kind of loses it's charm after a while but what the hell. Let's just put it down to another disorder.



    My savior is here and settling in for the night then I head back to start annoying my wife with more kisses.

    I'll cap off and finish this saga once and for all and pass you the torch.

    I told my Dad that I am fine with who I am and if he can't accept that then that is for him to carry and not me. My mum told me she understands. I hung out their washing with mine and have since bought it in. My mum and I will hug one more time and I'll be out of here as quick as you can say -
    I LOOSEN THE DEVIL IN YOU!

    Although we'll make sure no one says that and that we all leave on good terms. Even if we all have to pretend.
    ____________________________________

    PS - Is OK ... I am not turning into a monk either. That's too much work. I need to heal myself and I would have to make my own version of such a thing.

    I have no idea what I'll post next. Perhaps yet another attempt and clean eating and or exercising. Is always worth trying.
    Last edited by Ponder; 06-13-2021 at 12:26 AM.

  3. #133
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    Have a safe trip home

  4. #134
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    Get Some more Sun & Move More

    Thanks Sal. My plants have been looked after well whilst I was gone and it's been such a relief to both see and be with them again. It really is turning into a great place to sit and relax:

    Much of the same triggers are still very much present but we are all ready to face and deal with them as they come.


    I ended up watching the THE RITE with Anthony Hopkins ... again. What I learned is that I don't beleive in myself. However, that IS ok just as it's OK to beleive in nothing. What is not ok is despair and anguish. I'm still in much need of quiet time which I will be seeking to find in my own home at the right times. It's about 9pm during this post before I hit enter where I hope to hit my bed around 10pm regardless of knowing I will drag my phone into bed with me but choose something mellow to enter into whatever dreams come.

    I am off the medication for now and will be requesting the valium for next time round and not this weakened variety. I don't need meds for general sleep. When I decide to take them, its for full blown manic PTSD bouts. I have arranged appointment with GP in the 2 weeks time. My phycologist has agreed to come with me and help educate the GP. Basically I will challenge my doctor as she did not answer my question during last visit when I stated and asked "You don't seem convinced about my diagnosis/s, please do tell me what you think?" This was after she asked who gave me the diagnosis. Well, when I give her back the pills she prescribed, she is also going to meet the professional who diagnosed me. I will continue to push the question I last asked her asking for a response this time. Of course I will be somewhat more diplomatic about it, however I think she will get my point. Many GPs are over-empowered and way out of the league when they do on the spot diagnosing when asking whatever questions. I can smell she has an issue with my therapist being registered and not clinical, however what she does not understand is the team he works with and those overseeing him. His diagnosis are also based on previous clinical phycologist and psychiatrist who stated .... xyz needs to be investigate. So we did with a team of people over the course of MANY hours!!! That is what I will be making a point of and I will expose the bias I sense in her and if I do not feel she in on the same page with my next visit after when just with my support worker and additionally if she does not focus on me and continues to allow her bias ... then I am done with her and prepared to start all over again. The next one I start fresh on ... I'll start with the therapist attending that one and I'll burn through all of them until I meet one that is not going to challenge me like so. How quick these types are to dismiss after so much effort has gone with with so many other people. PFFFT

    I may not be able to keep them all honest, but I will one at a time.

    SIGH - GPs ... They can be as problematic and pharmacists plying doctor & doctors playing psychologists!!! I doubt I will change doctors as I have already said she it quite good, but I do need to set her straight and ensure she is on the same page. That I will do. basically once done, I avoid that section of the health care system as much as possible. Yet I know it unavoidable to some degree and if you intend on using the system for any length of time with support in mind, then you got to build a case and educate them. Hat's off to my therapist for agreeing to be flexible with our regular appointments, more so creative. He dislikes the system as well and seems to enjoy working with me. Love writing supporting letters that actually support the clients whilst challenging the system and those complacent in it that may or may not stand in our way. I thought what a great idea to challenge the GP! Let's see how she raises an eyebrow in front of the both of us and thereafter when I attend with my regular supports. Complacency sets in when they get too comfortable and it is the same with me when I allow them to start leading me instead of me being included with regards to implied choice and control. You go to watch em!

    OK - letting go of that shit until appointment time. There are a few other hurdles I have to deal with regarding supports but I seem able to just let all that slide until those appointments come up. I am going to focus on rebuilding my outdoor exposure which I have missed since being away from home. I don't have any dogs barking at me here when I go outside home / backyard and I also have my bicycle to slowly take the back routes if the need arises. That might be worth a few photos in itself.

    Despite feeling the GP needs to be updated and take things a little more seriously, I will be letting other facets of said system buffer with all it's conflicting administrations and what not until such a time it just becomes apparent that more needs doing. Just need to organize another place other than my parents when it comes to an unplanned time out for next time around. That too I has set in place but needs to be left on the backplate before I can get an answer. I've pretty much got all the stuff that needs doing set up.

    In the mean time I need to take a page out of my grandson's book and do like he in the following - GOODNIGHT ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

    Last edited by Ponder; 06-15-2021 at 05:44 AM.

  5. #135
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    I really got to stop barking point blank let alone up the wrong tree. This is why I don't do medications and avoid dealing with doctors point blank. Just like the medications I got to stop the supports to some degree. It's like with me uncontrolled eating I find myself a victim to my own selfish desires. The conflicts within the whole system does my head in so all I am really doing is banging my head against the wall by even attempting to reach out for help. I continue to write about this struggle in the efforts to remind myself how much I may benefit if I just give up relying on so called disability supports. Again not exactly black and white as they get you by the balls with the basics of 'living' which I have lost complete sight of.

    On with my day.

  6. #136
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    arrrr fuck it, time for a bit of hetero trans comedy!



    Works for me - Good period!
    Too challenging for for most today. It's a bird? it's a plane? No it's a man! My God!!! Get out of the Ladies you Dirty Bastard!!! ​



    Must be getting bored. Have been watching this guy back to back. I never really knew about him. Had seem him every now and then but really can't get enough atm. It's The Dog's Bullocks!
    Last edited by Ponder; 06-16-2021 at 04:25 PM.

  7. #137
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    Relationships

    Only have 30 minutes for this. Indifference would be good about now when it comes to relations with all humans as perceived from my world given historical and recent events. Recent events having been surmised as rigid unchanging ways of being in the light of flexibility and willingness. I won't say forgiving as is just with the word God, it too has lost all meaning. Yet Satan need not smile as too he does not exist. No, the metaphor and or excuse commonly used to rewrite the program of those unlearning also does not fit and or compute. That is to say - when others say - "Not believing is exactly where the devil wants you!"

    Such comes from a source that only ever lives within the realm of absolutes, rules and regulations streamed with standards and expectations. Another way it spins from recent trip is my stepdads requirement for predictability. It is the same within the establishments of all things science as it is with biblical text. Part and parcel to the same prison.

    Much of what I say here is not heard nor seen by those whom go through the maze of predictability as they murmur from day to day. But that is OK - this really is about how I can disconnect from my own self just as much as it is the human race. For me, that is saying something. I know I said, " don't worry I'm not becoming a monk, that takes too much effort ..." I'm just disappointed that I don't have the strength and can see the appeal when others refer to such a life style as no more than an emotionless bot. Now whilst I sense that comment shows a complete misunderstanding or a comment that chooses to simply validates one's own preferences, I can see how dealing with emotion by being objective does not mean a individual be devoid of them. Moreover, is about controlling them - but for me the focuses more in disconnection. Albeit from the human race.

    So then with only a few minutes to go before I end this train of thought … Relationships?

    The world being a sea of emotion in a unstable world makes for a toxic mix whereby in order to remain objective and free oneself from said prison, distance is required! Hence disconnection. Indifference? hmmmmm
    Last edited by Ponder; 06-16-2021 at 10:34 PM.

  8. #138
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    The Wisdom Of Insecurity

    Fucking Computers
    Something a little light to start with: I mean Life really is a joke after all?


    Only four days to go until the full frontal attack begins in the Federal Circuit Courts AKA The Fucking Circus! It looked like the Independent Child Lawver was going to get an adjournment but the judge must be sick of it all dragging on as has ordered everyone to ready up on the front lines! We are feeling confident but you just never know with these egoistical overlords that rule as they do. My therapist has highlighted well the court room contention and how it is that my own historical predisposition will not bode well under all that courtroom drama. My affidavit and presence has be requested via phone with said therapist letter. What makes the case special is the amount of support we have in our family despite numerous disabilities as DXed for Mother, Grandson, Grandfather all having ASD lvl2 with my wife complementing us all with her debilitating disease of MS. Thank you Lord Jesus! Praise be to ye. Basically My wife, daughter and myself are all separate parties facing the abusive child beater head on. Once again ... seven years in the making.

    Well actually my wife is pretty much the backbone of our family and doing well all things considered. Having support and making it work has been critical in our approach to protect our grandson as well as ourselves. The fact that my therapist who now sees my daughter is willing to travel hundreds of kilometers/miles for free of charge to stand by my daughter as a Makenzie Friend says quite a lot about the quality of support we receive. Fostering that relation has meant a lot for my family. To be sure we are a good guinea pig family but the essence really is how he cares about the work his does and as already mentioned, he has seen enough of hospitals, prisons and the like to know just how cruel and damaging the system can be.

    The JUDGE-ing and amount of it in these proceedings over the years has imo accounted for much of my daughters distrust in society and I fully encourage it all the way when it comes to turning our backs on the way we all treat eachtoher in this pathetic controlling world/prison. If we win this case is it because of our own efforts and no thanks to those that sit behind the bench and those who make a living with likewise BS text. Tooth and nail we have stayed the course in relation to those who would raise their hands on children and bring it down with all their self importance and sheepish ideals. At least for this bastard who flogs our little grandson when in his care.

    Sadly my niece has taken on this role by asking the kids "DO YOU WANT A SMACK!" Child: " What do you think? You fucking stupid or something? Sigh ... fucking Christian mentality with a dose of hands on disciple. Of course many people who don't beleive in God love to take belt the kids like so. I said it before, if your the type to justify raising your hands or flogging kids with whatever, then you too are as good as a child basher. Oh I know how hard it can be dealing with difficult kids - but when you grab or touch them in anger you feed this worlds evil desire to hate and live bitter filled lives. I can't even stand hearing anyone let alone parents raising their voices with that hate filled tone that does as much damage as a good and so called proper bashing. It guts me to hear my eldest boy often talk in such a manner - yet I hold myself accountable right now in my own tone. My only consolation is that I do it here in this space and with all my might do all I can not to direct such frustration at my own family. In fact ... that is exactly why I left the house for timeout. I had just completely forgot that the people where I was seeking refuge from where so controlling and abusive. What turned out to be an escape ended up being just yet another painful lesson. I did really well though and more to the point of the title of this thread did it because I was supported; over the phone.

    There was a time and I am sure there will be again and again, that my family would be scrutinized for the amount of labeled dysfunction, yet in that pain and confusion we have always been there for eachtoher. I have had so called professionals tell me to close the door on my children but my wife and I completely disagreed but whilst understanding the pit falls of enabling have always left the doors open. Fuck doing what others out in the world say just because they got some PHD or a badge of authority. You see, whilst we have worked out the importance of seeking supports, what matters more is our ability to help ourselves first and foremost. I've questioned many times my current supports, the amount of them and all that fucking marketing and greed. You really got to stay away from supports that are clinically dependent and bound by authority. To be sure you wont get anyone who is not bound by this fucked up system, but you can tell the one's who are trying to make a difference. Those be the ones you want to connect with.

    Two faced I know. One minute I am trying to disconnect, and the next I am talking about making connections. In that light its more about connecting with people that understand the benefits in 'unplugging.' I often talk in circles but hey ... Alan watts has done many lectures on the snake eating its own tail.

    SIGH ... madness I know and disclaimer here → I don't know shit and not telling anyone what they should or should not do. I am just some byproduct otherwise known as human that has lived XY&Z who has found the act of writing 'anything' that helps to pave my way through ... whilst in this phase of whatever that be however long it need. I express much of what I fear and in doing so appear the biggest hypocrite of all. Yet I know for now this is as much a therapy as anything else I choose to do. One that does not see me yelling or smacking those dependent on me. As for my earlier post on relations and the need for distance ... that very much still stands. So much so that one day I may have to disconnect from those closest to me that I may one day find myself and in that process quiet the insanity the emanates so loudly from all those full of so much despair, hatred and bitterness ... all those that make up this world.

    The world is just so violent on all fronts. Those in the court proclaiming to fight for justice do so ruthlessly. Those saying grace do so egotistically "Dear Lord, bless this food and by the way please forgive bla bla and fucking bla" Those working so hard chastising anyone not, Those not preforming at XY&Z told they are not worthy ... - Just skim any comments on social media and you can see just how much those whom preach motivation, success, abundance and so on ... see how quick they turn into pricks when they are not feeling so motivated, successful or abundant. Hell, many of these types put others down in their wake when flippantly show boating their profiles. In this many of us struggle to contain our disgust. Thus is the residual pain good old Eckhart Tolle so often talks about. Spreads like fire with us all playing our part. Is easy to look all nice and squeaky clean when blessed with the means. Thinks squeaky clean audience? Have you ever wondered about that with those online guru chats? Where are all the old, sick and unbalanced/normal individuals? Interesting dynamic to be sure. Typically people who have the means to travel the world, have several jobs, homes, cars and so on. Perhaps an exaggeration but I think my point stands. Not saying these are fake people, but they do at times come across as fake audiences. I know it's not a healthy perception and if I can see past that I can still get nuggets of gold. I get both nuggets of gold and something about my intuition also says something is not quite right when it comes to the equality factor re said fake audiences - that perhaps there is something else as big in that realization in how those that really need to hear the message are nowhere to be seen. Of course those more fortunate typically come up wit all kinds of judgements in why that be - at least the fake ones who get caught up in the wellness ego me me me.

    You know what - I'm insecure and don't mind saying it. I mean not to do the very same thing I hate seeing in others yet here I am doing it. I'm working on it I guess. No wonder I want to disconnect.

    I'm going to give the following a listen. Have not heard it yet but the title grabbed my attention and was why I had to admit as I did on the previous line. The title seems to make me feel better yet I know there is probably another log for me to pull out of my eye. More like an issue of how to look at life without going insane. I'll link the image - consider going for a walk and having a listen or just lay back and see where it leads. He is pretty easy to listen to compared to most neurotics fast talking presenters filling our heads with BS on YouTube.

    I'll probably fall asleep listening to him and post about it all in the morning. Is all good ... if your a child basher or thought it never hurt you as a kid, then may I suggest you would do well to listen as well? Beater or Beaten and or generally both ← we are as insecure as the other. Let's break the cycle. See you on the other side.

    Last edited by Ponder; 06-17-2021 at 05:35 AM.

  9. #139
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    Hi Ponder.

    Sorry I've been quiet. I've been reading. Haven't been doing all that well myself I'm afraid. Just really mixed up and when I was in the grocery store yesterday and saw all that alcohol staring at me, it took great strength. I don't know.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ponder View Post
    The world being a sea of emotion in a unstable world makes for a toxic mix whereby in order to remain objective and free oneself from said prison, distance is required! Hence disconnection. Indifference? hmmmmm
    I never forget last year when you said: being unstable in an unstable world is normal. Right now, I'm quite disconnected from practically everything. I don't know. Hope you feel better.

  10. #140
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    Untitled - When words Fail

    I just got up my good friend and reading you well now. If I may again share another from my collection of photographs I enjoyed taking very much. As usual I use a filter overlaid on my images as often the subject is not so much what is in the front, nor in the back, but everything in between. This be something that is more felt than seen. I'm glad you had the insight to see as you did when gauging those bottles who looked at you as they dared to do. That's a A+ share. Thanks Sal. Had you busted I would not of thought any less of the person I have come to know. That said I feel that numbness and position from which many of us now find ourselves viewing. I know well that you can't always post but when you do I feel what your saying. I make more of an effort to change my tone with this post hoping it offers a little more than my previous expression.

    Untainted Radiance

    I remember that too Sal. "being unstable in an unstable world ..." and that context being with normality. But if I could at least correct myself or better focus the point on normality as I would attempt to render it. Can you remember how it was that I also alluded (attempted to do so often) before often going of track, that our dysfunction is something that affords us the opportunity to see more clearly than those who subscribe to normality. When I say subscribe, think 'identify.' That is to say how often we identity with being broken in a broken world. Back then I guess I said what I did from a point of view seeking comfort by including myself as part of a whole that is suffering with many others. That it is normal to suffer as we do. To be sure I was contrasting it against a background that chooses not feel but rather hide one's state of being by thinking and feeling XY&Z. That machine in our head that ticks and tocks the way it does can quickly defrag and mess us up when we resist what we feel. On just that point I now understand more the title of my chosen image for the post. Untainted Radiance. The ability to just let what comes in come in and what goes out goes out. Radiance being that which builds up during that process. Reflection not in the same league as that state of being seemingly more resistant.

    I'm just trying to get a good grasp on things but attempt to do so with no more effort than my grandson is doing (in image above) when learning on the glass and looking out. At the moment these words come to me with reasonable ease whilst I care less what others think. That said, when outside of my comfort zone I struggle very much. Is good we have this space.
    _______________________________
    ______

    Disconnect. Given my drive for it and your ending sentence I feel I should clarify a 'call to distance' myself from something that I have not clearly defined. Here comes the insanity as I see it Sal. Our language clearly fails on this level the deeper we go. I regret not being able to neatly sow it all up via my own expressions. I sense each of us knows that as we almost get to some kind of point but then often declare that "I don't know." All the same I think it's great to make said admission. It really does seem to be more about the process of experience than the capacity for knowledge. I can only express with limiting words by allowing what I see regardless of confusion or knowing. Perhaps if I could attempt to take your position with those bottles staring as they do, that it is only in my gazing that I could possible walk away without falling victim to my own perceptions. Staring Vs Gazing? One is fully resistant whilst the other allowing.

    Whatever you chose, you did well to walk out and later post as you did. But if I could just finish on that perspective of disconnection?

    Damn it ... only 10 minutes left. ... O Oh ... resistance. -0 - 0 - Takes a deep breath. Have you heard the concepts or contexts of only when in our lowers point ... think AA Alcoholics Anonymous but not the 12 steps, instead Rock Bottom! Eckhart Tolle often resonates the same point that we generally only come to 'see' or find a way that offers an out when at such a low point. BUT none of us really wants to be at such a point or keep hitting rock bottom in order to find our way. So it is for me that my desire (for lack of a better word) to disconnect is based on distancing myself from what I 'sense' (not know) does not work. In that I am now changing my words from when I would often say "... Focus on what I 'know' works ..." I often mess up with my own words.

    Alas ... I think I sense your context when you say you feel disconnected from practically everything. I also have a format in the way I think that seeks to turn things upside down which Is why I often enjoy taking words that are commonly used to influence, sell, persuade and so on. Especially given how normal it is to be unstable in an unstable world. All of us here in this forum are quite unique and special in our own way. Fuck being normal ... currently I say the world is blind but I don't want to hold it against the world in my usual bitter expression. I would rather leave that wall for someone else to bang their head. Far be it for me to knock it down as perhaps it is needed in others to learn. Chuckles at such a philosophy.

    I'm just aiming to look at that window as I once did like my grandson so long ago.

    Support worker here ... hope it all that made some kind of sense.

    I hear ya Sal ... I really do. I'm just in need of distance but yea connections are still important and that's what we are doing in here. For me that is enough. Keep gazing my friend and leave those bottles as they will.

    Yes ... I am feeling better. Thank You.
    Last edited by Ponder; 06-17-2021 at 07:29 PM.

 

 

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