Yea Yea I know - Back Again

[Ponder]

Despite taking temazepam I still can't sleep? Last night when I did not take it I slept OK but I think that was because the night before, when I took it, I was up all night as well. Go figure. My patterns out way out of sync. I don't know what it is but those mood altering medications never work long for me. I could up the dose but don't want to as coming off it will be worse. Despite my best intentions re the family dynamics I'm just going to have to treat the time I have left here before leaving as no different to when I was doing time in prison.

I'm certain the lack of outside exposure and activity is also playing a part but given the extent of locked doors and hassle of coming and going it is no wonder I'm not so keen on making the effort. I'm certain today at some point I'm going to have to. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz but can't seem to do it.

I'm thinking of going back to sun gazing:


That's another whole post in itself but definitely worth looking into again. Pros and Cons to be sure. LOL

Almost 3am ... I think I will go and try to sleep again.

This next one being one of my favorites. I distinctly remember burning the sensor out of the little camera. Thankfully was cheap to replace:


Wish me luck ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

[Ponder]

Apologies Sal ... I missed your post. ... This only happened because our posts (according to the forum time stamps [when logged in]) ended up 4 minutes apart with yours ending up on a previous 'page' and mine on a new one. I only picked up on yours after finally getting some sleep.

Having only just got up and clearing the fog out of my brain and now going to make a Cuppa ... I thought I best explain having been so self consumed of late and then missing your post only to continue going on about myself.

I reply in full shortly although you do not require it and totally get the bit about your frequency and length of posting.

I'll be back in a bit, although your probably now sleeping. If so may it be restful - dare I say blissful. lol Whatever that even is.

Talk soon.

[Ponder]

Got held up for most of the day. It's all you can do Sal and unfortunately yes we are only human. To some degree I enjoyed the long break from my family after my brother's death and only reinitiated contact thinking it would be good for healing unresolved and or deep seeded issues. Despite doing my best to end on good terms I still question the wisdom in reconnecting. At the end of the day when we die, the less we have to take with us wherever we go, the easier it will be to let go. Of course we can do this within ourselves without having to force ourselves back into the lives of others in order to do so. In many situations it is best to make this act a very personal one.

Thanks for the advice on the medication. It sounds wise and is very much appreciated. I am so exhausted I think I will be able to survive tonight without the meds.

Yes this space has been extremely helpful. It's the reason I have been able to leave on a good note although still a few days to go.

I'm glad your doing OK and I like how you have been outlining your daily activity's when you do. It's been a while since I have gone this deep for so long with my posts. Generally I just like to waffle on about other random things, although somewhat as passionately; I guess.

Given how exhausted I feel, I think I will just watch some stuff either on Netflix or YouTube. Both about as wholesome as junk food

That said I thought the following was a pretty good watch:

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Thanks for being here Sal.

[salvator here]

You're welcome, always good to hear from you.

I have nothing to leave anybody anyway or anybody to leave anything to, I've never had much, very basic clothes on my back guy. Actually, this has helped me with my enormous hospital bill that i"ll never pay and there is nothing to take

I will check out that movie - thanks for the suggestion. Yeah, sometimes just allow something to take you away.

Next week I'll start journal again also in my thread. Lots to talk about actually. Spoke to my therapist today and she had a hard time getting me off the phone as I kept bring up things. So much pent up. Hard to explain, but all-in-all doing better today. I'm not ashamed to admit, while I was here physically yesterday, I thought it was Wednesday all day and today I thought my computer date was wrong ... so I lost a day. Oh well; talk about auto-pilot.

So I guess this visit is almost up. Home sweet home soon enough. When you recover you'll back into swing of things and posting as normal.

PS: And some day you should get a nice mattress. One thing I have to have is a nice bed if nothing else. They paid a lot for it I think.

About 6:30 here and will eat and watch Netflix or Shudder even if a classic like:

Little Shoppe Of Horrors .. I never get sick of both the original and the remake.

wishing you well

[Ponder]

That's the most uplifting introduction to a horror movie I have seen. TY

For me you hit the nail on the head with that insight into having ^%$#@ all to give. At least in matters of money and materials. Sadly individuals are only ever measured in money and materials. Once you get past bias, it is still the same. Please excuse my passionate choice of words as the topic of money is generally one that is either 'shrouded greed' or just outright plain toxic no matter who is or how is being discussed. Less really is best and that is something I am sure all of us struggle to learn. It's really depressing to see how societies value system really works. Like even when you remove the bias as pointed out in the Netflix Doco on 'Coded Bias' what is left is still a system that values human worth solely on how much is in ones bank and how much one owns. From the roof over one's head to the kind of care you receive - I am gutted to see so many missing out and know just how ungrateful I can be. I'm working on it.
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Is good you have someone that will listen. I actually used this forum a lot more when I did not. You just got to ask yourself "is it helping?" and I am betting from when you do post and or the readings I would read of yourself in here; that it does. Of course depending on where one is and or what is happening that degree of and or passion kind changes as we go along. It's all episodic regardless of label. Life is all about cycles. I too often loose days and even down to hours and seconds. Whilst it can be problematic I often much prefer living like that.
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YES - I must put in a reminding into my calendar to purchase a mattress at my next opportunity. It really is like the SIMs game when it comes to such things. At least a huge benefit to be had that is often neglected or poorly rated.

Yes as well to this drama almost being over but the reality is that there is still plenty of uncertainty back at home. That said, my wife and I have experience dealing with unpredictability and making the most out of such instability; it OK. One of the many perquisites that my stepdad placed upon me during my attempt to put him at ease was that I 'need' to 'learn' to be more predictable. --- Long Pause ---

Is it any wonder that this thing called forgiveness is so misconstrued when viewed against the background 'and' essence of acceptance.

I'm going to hit enter on this and start again re the benefit of starting a new post that deals more with this aspect I have had to digest since arriving in this space. I had a blast watching that link and the reminder for a good mattress is spot on! The insight re having less just as important for me. So so true!

With respect to mu usual postings - I'll probably remain somewhat deep in contemplation, make all kinds of mistakes and continue to be long winded. The reason I always come back is two fold.

1. This space I feel comfortable in is still here.
2. Because more often than not, writing for me really helps.

The fact that the forum is not that active whilst appealing can actually be quite confronting. However it's no my, yours and anyone else's fault that people choose not to post. I do become a little sensitive to that side bar algorithm that if it were not there I may not be viewed as over-posting, shadowing, overwhelming and so on. My name would only pop on in mostly one section and I would feel much better about that ... because sometimes I just need to write more than once a day, yet I also still like the connections that are to be had with those able to connect. Such is why I persist in a public space.

With that said I'm going to take a dose of contemplative thought thinking about what's been and how I would do well to outline my return. This is another great benefit with journaling for those of us that struggle with processing.

[Ponder]

Post Processing. Leads on from last image. The sun has barely moved whilst the water has progressed giving me a moment that best reflects the words I overlaid.


Post Processing Indeed:
It took me quite a bit to be in that sate of mind. Oh boy, how I miss it.

My ride comes tomorrow and will be staying overnight with me before we leave the following morning. Despite my best efforts I feel gutted. I did play my part today and enjoyed very much connecting with my nephews whom are very close to my grandsons age. I have a natural gift with children. On my next planed trip away I intend to visit the town my niece is in and visit the boys. As for adults ... I am severely handicapped and care less to admit it.

My sister is now gone. Just before she left she got a call to advice she may well be 250K better off re her's and her X-husbands house. LOL @ the Irony. I sincerely hope her fears about the future are relieved and all this talk of money subside. I'm just sad she makes no effort to understand me and continues to tell me what I should and should not do. Very much the same as my step father who's very presence and demeaner depresses me. I've never been so drained by my families presence in all my life. I wish my stepdad a quick passing with as little pain as possible, my sister the biggest house she want's as possible and my mum ... hmmmmm

I know she is looking for joyous reciprocation as she went to hug and kiss after I popped in to get permission to use the washing machine and retire for the evening. I got to say I am just a shell at the moment and a little disappointed with myself that also for the first time in a while, I was lacking in my attempt to give my mum what she wanted. It the constant expectation to fit into some way of being that best befits their perception and the continual criticisms when not meeting their expectations. The very fact they are still carrying on like so after the string of losses and attempted reconciliations I put down to their system of belief which in the end has only severed to keep them from having ever grown.

Me - I do not propose I am any better. It's not about that.

I am post processing my perception through the lens of acceptance. Whilst I feel as rejected as I have ever been when in the presence of my family with shallow attempts and failing expressions all round - the acceptance I seek can only be found in a langue my family do not comprehend. I do not NEED to LEARN to be PREDICTABLE. Mt stepdad was a practicing physiatrist when he first met my mother, where he was working out of a mental hospital. His attempt to council me and his adopted family all these years just distorts his role within the family. Control and position with the adoption of religion has truly seen this man orchestrate some major rifts and great suffering in my family. Alas he will go to his grave with great sorrow (It does not make me feel good to express like so) as I see it written across his face when he looks at me. I'm not expressing out of bitterness. This rigid and 'predictable' mind set can never understand the language of acceptance as I perceive it. We are on two different paths to be sure with two opposing views yet I do not want the conflict but think its something we both have to just accept.

I know the Bible nearly as well as they yet thought better of it when it came to that Verse Vs Verse BS ... but did feel the compulsion to quote much on the topic of acceptance despite so many conflicts in said scriptures. Best to leave well alone and just let them make their beds as they may. It's crazy Sal ... They gave God the credit for all my attempts to make peace as perceived in their delusional states whilst proclaiming to each other, that my backing down was the act of me asking for forgiveness. As I calmly gave one what they wanted, that person would then say "now I think you should go talk to ..."

Can you sense the dysfunction and insanity here?

I repeat once more. I am soooooo drained.

I will do my best to recharge tonight. I will perk up for my mother in the morning. Help with some IT computer issues they have, get their DVD working, do my laundry and prep to pack for the following morning. I'll give her a spirited and warm hug and kiss at the beginning of the day and in the evening and then once more when leaving in the morning. I'll just thank my father for his advice knowing he will never be content with who I be regardless of his best wishes.

I'll just focus on phone contact with my mum. I'll ring my sister although it is always me ringing. I just wont fuss over it is all. It was always my ringing my biological Dad before he died and is that same with my eldest son. I've just accepted that is my role in this life. I ring because they do actually answer from time to time and when they do ... despite the dynamic, Its not as toxic and when I weight it up I feel I genuinely have added something of worth to their life. Of course I also feel good for doing so as well. Over time this will fade as everything in life does. I'm certainly in no rush with contacting any of them with all that being said. I am going to need a lot more time to charge myself back up to be of any worth ... to anyone.
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Need to make appointment with GP and return the medication she prescribed. Given the paranoia in the way they hand it out I think that will be saying something. Chuckles at that from my perspective. Basically I will be giving feedback with the return of the pills and requesting next time she gives me what I know works. The Valium itself. The same stuff (diazepam) that the psychiatrist game me last time. That did not keep me up like this last batch did. I don't use the stuff to sleep in general. I just use it to stop having my extreme bouts of PTSD recall and automatic manic looping episodes. In those events I need something that is going to work regardless of derivatives that claim less side effects over time. I simply don't take pills over that kind of time and I think I need to clear this up with this doctor for the next time I go to make a request.

My therapist and I had a good chat. He is also going to update my DX/diagnosis/s with the good doctor/gp as I question their acceptance of it of late after having mentioned it. My therapist has also taken not of this as well. If any of my supports on not on the same page as me, then I have to look at dropping them. The GP in my regard is not a professional when it comes to my DXs and they are given too much power to dismiss which I have come to know is a very destructive ability if you do not keep a tack of your GPs developing bias. This is just part of the Game I have talked about many times. Now having said all that ... she is the best doctor I have found with a good heart towards my conditions, however just like good intending police just starting out at the academy, most are quickly tainted by the toxic system as I perceive it with me being byproduct. Byproduct through the lens of acceptance; as best as I can practice. I just need to have a chat to my doctor and bring her up to speed in way that puts us on the same page. Over all she is pretty good.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Also working on a new respite location so next time an unplanned time out is needed based on crisis or emergency I might just qualify for assistance and a place in which to relocate for a small period of time which means there is no reason anymore for me to rely on my parents. Yet another to do for the list.


I'll be back to stealing kisses in good form soon enough: Goodnight ... ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

My step dad was big on using democracy as an buzz word during his lectures to me on this most recent visit. I would of responded in line with the following, except I knew to do so might kill him; hear attack and all. This also defines some of the essence of the term mainstreamers as I often us it. Delusional states of perception - falling within social engineering as to perception management. Mass control and sheep. Sometimes I sense Russel compromises some of what he says for his popularity but the following does make a lot of sense regarding the deception of so called democracy. More and more people just don't give a fuck about politics anymore. More and more pills are made to stem the tide during this phase. Democracy? What a load of BS. Ha.

[Ponder]

Just going to finish with this one and definitely go get some ZZZZZZZZs. Like the guy talking in the time stamp, I too do not see Buddhism as a religion although know there are many people that do. Western Buddhism is seemingly tainted with hierarchy, robes, trinkets and likewise symbiology however the fundamental practice itself does seem far removed from predictable thoughts and behaviors. I will LOL at that one as the needs and instructions given by my stepdad has triggered my ego which is why I now seek to delve into the opposite line of thought to which some aspects of Buddhism as I have experienced ... I have known to give me peace. It's not an easy practice to get back into and it has nothing to do with previously mentioned robes, trinkets and symbiology. I have found some practitioners in the west that offer up mindfulness practices in line with long past eastern mindsets. That is to say without all the paraphernalia as imaged on the internet. Meditation I have said many times is something I would do really well to get back into. It helps to avoid the language that keeps us bound to 'predictability' like sheep being mustering into a pen. The process of being easily led.

I myself would do well (not need) to fathom the difference between routine and the ability to disconnect.

This being the type of deep thought I used to write about when on track:

https://youtu.be/pLbSlC0Pucw?t=4320

[Ponder]

Good Morning:

I will continue to draw from my previous bouts of inspiration hoping that I may soon find the space in which to simply sit and allow myself to be … as I be. In this I would also be mindful that this state of mind is the best place for me to be as allowing of others that they too can be as they be:

Good morning. I had some weird dream that may be considered an attack but because I choose not to take on such a system of belief I do not feel so rattled. If I cared to reason a determination from it, it might be an atmosphere of insecurity based on this past week events and leave it at that. Dissecting it with too much thought after I wake back up into this world distracts me from the act of simply sitting and allowing myself to be as well as allowing others as they be. So it is that I ended up surmising how it was that my ego wanted me to sabotage the day before it had begun.

My posts are going to sound rather generic now as I seek to disidentify from the characters of this BS play preformed on the stage we call life. All is not lost as I may still entertain with sounding more like a disgruntled monk. I suppose better than nothing or perhaps a step into a direction that I have found more accepting than anything else. I can still call out things as I see them, but the way in which I view them will be less personal in thus hopefully a more beneficial way when talking about people, places and things; yet still remain as honest as I am able. Positive is not always preferable when it covers truth as we personally know it. This be my more healthy take on depersonalization. hmmm perhaps It really is all in the language we choose to use and that always be changing. That rather long lecture being the very last link I posted had both the Buddhist Scholar and a Theoretical Physicist agree on the retelling of stories in different ways that point to the same thing. The key ingredient seemingly be; compatibility? That being perhaps a system of being for the monk and a system of thinking of for physicist where both systems in their variables to conclude whatever, allow for different approaches that point to the same thing - or is it the same? Need it be and or is it as fallible as the term in which so many of us use the word - need.

Perhaps not the words or terms themselves but how we choose to use them. This I am sure is closer to the mark and something being that which drives the keyboard is more critical to living than that of the computation and or ability to fathom how it all works.

In this, the act of learning need not be implied but simply allowed through the act of observing. This latter sentence really sums up the rejection often felt when we assume as much of others. This really is the big take home for me. The sentence now in question, takes the word 'need' that is often 'used' to imply a negative view but instead highlights how it is that the ego seeks to always be in control with said 'telling's.' A language used destined to keep people, places and things all lined up in a way that is 100% predictable. This is far from an observation way of being in as much that is not an objective way to be. It's dictatorial entrenched in absolutes with little room for acceptance. So much so that it comes off as rejection and in this is the exact light what Russell was referring to when talking about the the political and cultural crises of pharmaceuticals. People are sick of being told, suffering the blame and shame from conditioned responses that fester in our families and fractured communities.
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OK - best I can do for now. I think they be good observations that may better allow me to continue giving those what others claim to 'need' in order to live with their pain, however my efforts are only momentarily as when I am gone, the only thing I ever conceded was not being reactionary. I never agreed to anything. All I have really given is a cordial presence that does not give what only others can give to themselves.

One final image from made from a number of my own with a dash of google pics mixed in. I find it somewhat insightful given mankind's latest push to return to the moon. That basically where ever they wish to end up, as long as they remain entrenched with the desire to know everything and control everyone, the will be doomed wherever they go. If there is a so called God, I definitely sense he is far what we think he is. Personally, I no longer beleive in anything ... I simply don't feel it to a critical thing to existence. In fact - I am very much all about disconnecting from everything we have been conditioned to beleive and that belief itself as as fractured as society.

The political dynamics of the current space race many are not aware is reflected well in this piece I did so long ago.

I will be truthful and say that I will be somewhat numb in my feeble attempts today. I mean well but am truly exhausted and if that cannot be accepted of me today, that is on others and not myself. I mean not for that to sound selfish ... it is as it be because as I have no other way to describe it in my present state. I suppose it is not a bad state to be in as that's when its easy to allow myself to be swept away. re my old poem I overlaid a few posts back. So to it is the same in the above image. When viewed like that there is not conflict, no dooms day ... it is as shall be as it be. I do struggle but do what I can to accept seeing what I see. Whilst I struggle to take the mood altering medications and rarely on them compared to others whom are more able yet also struggle similar to me, I am very much in the same boat and consider us all to be brothers and sisters. I often wish I was not so chemically predispositioned so that I too could function with the assistance of medication. I don't know why it is so for me, but It is as it be.

In that I am content to be swept away.

[salvator here]

I'll be back to stealing kisses in good form soon enough: Goodnight ... ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Hey Dave.. about 7PM here and I read every word. Thank you for sharing and being so honest and I'm always glad to listen.

I absolutely LOVE this adorable picture.