Dust myself off and try again, try again ?

[Ponder]

Hey Sal - How's it going? I might be on the mend today. How was your weekend? Or is - Monday morning 7:37am right now for me. Hope your as well as can be.

[salvator here]

Hey, Ponder..

Gotta pull myself out of this and try again, struggling to get outside and the fear(s) are kicking in bad. Its about 80 degrees and sweaty out there and that is part of the problem - I don't sweat enough to rid myself of all the crap I'm taking. I stopped all aluminum deodorant now to see.

https://blog.paleohacks.com/aluminum-deodorant

Heading out but don't know how far. I don't know. Also supposed to actually go for a trip to leave the state the weekend but I don't know if I can do that and I'm already panicked ... should just day-by-day it again, I guess. I'm hanging in there, I guess.

[Ponder]

Good to know about the deodorant.

Is this trip more a means to an end?

Hope you got some distance but only what you are comfortable with.

day-by-day it is how I am running at the moment other than one upcoming event.

Be well Sal.

[salvator here]

We'll see today, still not sure if I can go but a few of us are supposed to go to a big mall to eat because its a Holiday here and nobody is coming around and I"ll be alone. That part doesn't bother me at all, but if I slip in the shower nobody would even know, so its strange. At the moment, I'm very depressed and low but not overly anxious and maybe it will change as the day progresses. Just feel all sorts of stuff. So hard to explain. Very confused and lost. Not stable at all but I try to remember what you said last year - being unstable in an unstable world is normal, and sure as hell nothing is stable out there; especially this weekend and Monday. Actually a lot of anger and the TV is hell. Starting last night they switched over to crap propaganda and for a little while I was quite disoriented and felt feelings of guild and worry. I (certainly) appreciate those that fought for our country (without question), but something is wrong this year and its turning into something VERY political and not in a good way. I'll just keep to myself anyway so I should be ok. I'm a quite unassuming person these days and this concerns my therapist - she is concerned I'm losing "Myself" in this world and I guess I sort of have in retrospect. But I have to just keep going and do what I can to improve myself in small ways or I'll 'fall under' and I don't think I could 'conform' even if I tried. I'm a rebel at heart

Shaking my head here and oh well, I have to get through the day and this weekend feels ugly for some reason. Weird!

Anyways..

I did it! I was feeling lonely this morning and wanted to accomplish something and decided to give the coffee table a good scrub down with the orange clean and I'm quite happy with the results. It only took about 1 hour. I also used it on the 2 end tables even though they are fine and just needed cleaning. I had to really scrub with all my strength and got it looking pretty darn good. I suspect its about 35 or 40 years old and recall when my grandmother purchased it and it was important to her. Honestly, its not really my style but I can work with the country look. Kind of funny to see queen Anne furniture in this dump LOL


Sorry this is just an old Kodak camera but I cant afford a new one and it was cheaper to just but a new battery and it works with my OS.

I'll try to report back if I'm in any condition if I do go, but I feel also like I should, this was never a problem when I was younger I loved going anywhere without planning, but life changed (drastically) and I (in some ways) consider it to be serendipitous. I'm not that same person by any stretch.

Have a good weekend everyone and for those celebrating the holiday, I (truly) hope you will find peace and joy in whatever you are doing.

~Sal

[Ponder]

You know how I feel about such things. ‘Social Engineering’ … sorry I can’t be as diplomatic with the well-wishing. I keep my friends/acquaintances at bay whom choose to live that way and foster the relations of those whom appear to see more like I do. I am glad you chose the words you did when highlighting the time, you’re now enduring. Nothing wrong with calling it how you see it. I wish more people did. I also wish people well too … but I don’t have to agree with how they live.


Sounds like a good time for a self-made distraction.


No problem with that image. I can see it fine! WELL DONE! Feels good when I complete a task. I don’t mind that table for what it is. I have a lot of mismatch in my place so can’t claim any fame to knowing what is what when it comes to such things. I’ll take wood over plastic for such a piece of furniture any day. Looks great!


My panoramic photo project has taken a backseat while I play computer games this weekend. Might do some work on it later.


Thanks heaps for sharing this project of yours Sal. I hope you can find something else to work on whether it be something completely different or not. Got any hobbies or interests that help to pass the time and or spark the desire to do rather than not?

[Kirk]

The table looks almost brand new after you cleaned it.

[salvator here]

Thanks, guys!

Well, it does have the "weathered look' but you can't really see it in that shot, but they say leave it that way to maintain its vintage age; so I'll keep it clean and furniture polish is terrible for oak but people don't know that. That orange stuff is good for the wood and I do have AC now and things are better. My computer used to overhead badly until I got AC. Also, I cleaned it (actually 2 Dell PC towers) pretty well and they never overhead anymore. My ASUS I bought last year for 30 bucks with win 10 crapped out totally. I don't know if it was the OS updates, but it was a cheap thing I just picked up from someone and it was never taken care of.

I don't have hobbies as I should. Even my therapist says I need to find other interests that I can do by myself besides computer games and the forum - she knows I post on AF and she is ok with it as my other therapist was not.

I'm home and feel just terrible to be honest - was a bad weekend and today was somewhat painful for some reason. At times I felt like I was going to 'snap' and lose grip (what little I had anyway which isn't much) on reality.

Hopefully I'll pull myself out of this - dust myself off and try again, because I honestly feel hopeless and 'too far gone'.

I don't know, maybe sleep will somehow give me a reset.

[Ponder]

Understand how hard it can be. My therapist is supportive of me having space in this here forum. I am glad you also have someone that is also supportive.

I try to write when feeling more switched on myself.

May you wake up feeling better having rested.

[salvator here]

Thank you, Ponder.

Got out and today was much better. I feel I can start to improve this week ahead. Weather is going to be very hot and I need sun.

[salvator here]

Just ate almost a whole bag of pepperoni and 5 cookies for dinner. The salt and nitrates and sugar - I wanted it so fuck it. No sense worrying now about my blood pressure.