When All Else Fails - Befriending Self

[Ponder]

I never really went anywhere as I found nowhere to go; nowhere to run. I genuinely don't fit into this world on so many levels. So it is back to the drawing board to yet again create another one.

Yes the world has gone mad, but hey, that's really nothing new. I guess it's more a question re the extreme nature in which it's currently festering and how that is impacting us all. Although I have learned overtime pondering on too many questions is not such a good thing. Pros & Cons to be sure. I have not really recovered since the road rage incident involving one of us coming at me with a pickaxe. My previous PTSD has considerably been exacerbated which has adversely affected my so called miss fit traits. That said, whether I like it or not, I continue to breathe. Thankfully I am finding a few crevasses. Although few and far between, I feel it's but good enough or at least have to believe it will be.

I've put on a stack of weight, easily tire and overall quite unfit. I'm working on it. In this regard I am trying ever so hard to do my usual recovery strategies but at a much slower pace with barely any desire at all. That's why I have decided to come back and try again. I know the triggers. Don't we all? Yet we seem to be are own worse enemies - not all those others out our front door? The truth seeking is not doing it for me any more. I don't think those movements have made any break throughs and the recycled insights only seem to be making things worse. Hence to say I have only just popped in a few times on that front but quickly move on as disenchanted if not more. That said I still have no issue with what others choose to beleive. It just gets depressing when you see masses of people being so easily misled. I don't so readily dismiss the whatever claims, but the context and agendas of so many groups all seem predispositioned to those well designed algorithms that keep us all entrenched.

Not sure how the world can continue in its current state, but I'll go with the notion the even at the smallest level we can still create our own space - preferable one that offers an inkling of peace. I'm not hear to tell others how to do that but more wishing it so for myself. The world is a very lonely place right now and with that said I have always found refuge having the ability to talk to myself. More so in a way that seeks to be kind; despite all the mixed emotions and extreme confusion. At least for today that is what I will say. Ponders to think what wolf I will feed on what day and how much to each I will feed? hmmmm. Chuckles to think just how much less I should be eating myself. I admit I have slowly been eating myself to death.

Where to from here? What acknowledgments? My dreams have been quite disturbing. Many sleepless nights. I've attested to my extremely poor health. Been in a lot of pain - My recovery from surgery still an issue. Just not sure about the weird freaky uncomfortable dreams and extreme state of loneliness. Many stresses I care less to mention continue to build, however the more I work likewise ACT principles, the more manageable those stressed can be.

I sense it all comes down to the deep seeded loneliness I am feeling at this point; that being which has led me back here. But on the contrary also a sense of hope that does more than sit on it's own. I guess when all else fails one gets back up and befriends them-self.