Recent Relapse of Anxiety

[clanae]

This is my first post on here so bear with me. ;_;
So I've been diagnosed with GAD for a couple years now (I'm 20) and have been on antidepressants for about that long, since the summer of 2013. It's definitely been better since I started taking medication, but sometimes I have really awful relapses- I mean, my anxiety is present in my life pretty much everyday to an extent, and usually some small obsessions every week or so. But the major things happen less often now- which is great, but I'm currently in one of them and it feels even less logical and scary than they usually do.

At the root of my obsessions, it seems to often be about self-doubt- fear about my own beliefs or fear I am not a "good person". I've obsessed about racism before, a couple times. And right now for the past couple days it's been homophobia. I never, ever have a problem with other sexualities- in fact sexuality is something I ponder about and am willing to explore in media (I read/watch a lot of non-straight media) but it's not something I worry about or am bigoted about. And I've never obsessed about it like this before.

And yet this fear was triggered a few weeks ago about finding out a female friend was gay that I wasn't expecting and I felt a bit weird about it bc I had kind of had a "girl crush" on her...? And I think that was why I felt a little weird, but I felt so so bad about giving it a second thought that it became this vicious cycle and then I couldn't stop thinking about it.
(I am straight btw as I am very much sexually attracted to guys, but really appreciate the beauty of girls omg, as most women do). I think a lot of this stems with my fear about romance in general, and how I won't be able to have a "normal relationship" (since I have never dated before and I almost ended up dating someone but 180'd the heck out of there and that was an awful experience- I've only been on one real "date"). Like, I do very much want romance one day, but I'm so not ready for it...

Anyway, so that happened and I didn't think much about it until a few days ago when I saw said friend and talked to her normally and it was triggered again. And it turned into something larger last night where I was thinking "what if I felt weird about homosexuality in general" which I NEVER HAVE BEFORE so I absolutely know it's not a prevalent belief in my life, but because it's on my brain right now, now I am feeling weird about it and just a crippling fear that I am somehow an awful person and homophobic.
Like, something happened last night that indicated my female boss might have a female partner which is so great, but I was like, what if I felt weird about that? And it's like that MADE me feel weird about it. Where in any other context, when I am feeling normal, I wouldn't have given it much thought. Because of course, the subject itself is completely okay and normal. ;_;

It's very irrational... I used to go to a therapist about the obsessive stuff, and actually saw her once again over break which was good- I've made an appointment at my school's health center but sadly it's not until the 24th. :/

I hate that even though I always get over the awful obsessions, it always feels like they are going to last forever. It feels like I'm "never going to feel normal again".

Oops, I hope someone reads this skdfjglvdfd it turned into a longer post than I had anticipated...

[Godzillasaurus]

Hope I can help! Would you mind summing up your post in a short piece of text? My reading comprehension is, for a lack of better words, "lacking", so it is difficult for me to understand long sequences of text in a short time period.

[clanae]

Hope I can help! Would you mind summing up your post in a short piece of text? My reading comprehension is, for a lack of better words, "lacking", so it is difficult for me to understand long sequences of text in a short time period.

yes of course! sorry it was so long omg...

basically I know I have GAD, have taken meds for about a year and a half or so, have been to therapy a bit before and and am actually going to a counselor at school in a few weeks bc they couldn't see me beforehand. :/

I have very neurotic obsessions, and lately the root often seems to about worrying about being a "bad person", and I've been obsessed with worrying about homophobia for the past few days. it's been pretty awful. especially because I am so okay with other sexualities and I tend to seek media out ABOUT it bc it interests me. but recently I was like, "what if I thought it was weird" and then began to feel weird about it at all because of the fact my brain was telling me to...

lol I tried to condense it and I think I made it more confusing.
I kind of broke down a couple days ago. It's only been going on for a few days, and I know it will pass, it just feels like it won't, as always...

[Godzillasaurus]

I see. When you have an anxiety disorder, thoughts as to whether or not you are a "good person" can be degrading, because you dwell on the negatives whenever you have an attack. You get low.

Feeling as if something is "weird" does not make you a bad person. It just means that you have uneasy thoughts about said things. On the other hand, everyone has had bad actions in the past; nobody is perfect in that regard. And in your case, your anxiety is forcing you to believe false information that it made up: it believes that feeling uneasy about something makes you a "bad" person, and your response, because of your anxiety, is worry.

[Im-Suffering]

nobody is perfect in that regard.

We teach what we have to learn. This is your lesson, and I'm glad you are coming around to it.

To the OP, and I do not have much more time this morning, labeling self a 'bad person' is not innate, but a learned false belief. This belief in itself will cause havoc with the psyche, and even for it to split in two, as it fights with itself and its train of thought. (The current thought process is an offshoot of this low self worth, as it struggles and worries and/or has doubts). Whether or not the OP is advanced enough to understand and work with this is another story and possibly for another time.

[clanae]

We teach what we have to learn. This is your lesson, and I'm glad you are coming around to it.

To the OP, and I do not have much more time this morning, labeling self a 'bad person' is not innate, but a learned false belief. This belief in itself will cause havoc with the psyche, and even for it to split in two, as it fights with itself and its train of thought. (The current thought process is an offshoot of this low self worth, as it struggles and worries and/or has doubts). Whether or not the OP is advanced enough to understand and work with this is another story and possibly for another time.

Yeah, that makes sense. It's just, it's so confusing especially because these are NOT beliefs or feelings I hold normally. I know there is nothing wrong or weird about other sexualities, and I celebrate that. But in the past few days I've felt "weird" about it for no good reason, when there is nothing to feel weird about. And it makes me feel so awful.

I know I'll get past it eventually, hopefully quite soon...
I get that a "good person" and "bad person" is a human social construct, morality is a human constract, etc etc, there is a ton of gray area. But that doesn't mean I don't believe it to be true to many people. And... god I just wish I knew why I felt weird about something I don't normally feel weird about. And what does "feeling weird" even mean? It's so hard to explain.

[clanae]

I see. When you have an anxiety disorder, thoughts as to whether or not you are a "good person" can be degrading, because you dwell on the negatives whenever you have an attack. You get low.

Feeling as if something is "weird" does not make you a bad person. It just means that you have uneasy thoughts about said things. On the other hand, everyone has had bad actions in the past; nobody is perfect in that regard. And in your case, your anxiety is forcing you to believe false information that it made up: it believes that feeling uneasy about something makes you a "bad" person, and your response, because of your anxiety, is worry.

Right, but it's not something I would normally ever feel weird or uneasy about, which is what is very upsetting about it. I mean, I must believe it'll go away since it's not something I am bothered by in my normal mind...