This may be a little long but I have to get if off my chest. I've been lurking here for a while to see if anyone has my same symptoms but I think I'm a little more unique.
So about me, I've always been paranoid, cautious and more worrisome then most people but I thought it was to my advantage. Before all this happened, I was generally always happy, confident in myself and in my future, and just a bright person. I got into weed though, about two years ago. I'd never thought much of it, I'd always have a good time with it, but I got a little more paranoid than usual. It was one particular night that started it all. Me and my friend were smoking, having a good time, then we decided to watch a movie. They chose The Butterfly Effect. Strike one. Most horrifying movie I ever saw, and while high too. I immediately went into a panic attack, believing I was going to go mentally insane. My friend gave me a Xanax and I fell asleep. I'm not saying weed did me in to anxiety, but I believe it had an effect.
Fast forward to now, I've had anxiety for almost two months. The symptoms have gotten worse and worse. Now my biggest fears are I'm going to lose my mind, or I'm going to not now who I am anymore. I am absolutely terrified of sleeping because one morning I woke up and I felt derealization like I had never felt before. Recently I've been having depersonization which has scared me more than anything. I can't watch tv or movies or play video games anymore without freaking out and feeling like I'll believe I'm in that movie or whatever. I was watching a movie this morning and I caught myself thinking for the characters like I was them. It scared me outright. I feel like I constantly have to remind myself of who I am. I'm so scared I'm not going to know who I am one of these days. I also am terrified to sleep because if I can't fall asleep right away I fall into dream like state that makes me believe is reality and when I sleep I have dreams that feel like reality also. I wake up and can't tell the difference between the dream I just had and the reality before me. Before I fall asleep, I believe I will either die in my sleep or wake up not knowing who I am, who my parents or my friends are. My biggest fear is just that, losing my mind, and I already feel like its happening.
I go to the doctor again next week, they gave me a beta blocker that I took for a while but quit because it made me feel like a totally different person, I told the doctor and they said it was fine. I am terrified to take medicine in fear of the side effects. I also go to a physiatrist next week also but I don't know if they'll help. Right now I feel completely hopeless, like my mind will eventually fade away and I'll die not knowing who I am. I don't know what is causing my horrid fears, I have a good life and loving parents who sort of understand what I'm going through. My best friend who went through something similar doesn't even believe I'm serious. My other friends don't understand. I feel totally alone and scared.
I'm sorry this was so long but if you read it all, I appreciate it. I just want to feel normal again and I don't know if that'll ever happen.