repetition doing me head in

[anxiousmess]

i'm now back to personality disorders - only this time it is borderline personality disorder.
i don't think completely i have it, but i feel it is something that is possible.
i also don't think this is due to anxiety - i think it's just the fact i know something isn't right, and i'm searching to find out what as im too impatient to wait! grrr

but, all of this, leads me back to ocd! i am completely obsessed with finding out this whole issue! to the point i spend hours a night searching personality disorders, repeatedly!
honestly, not one personality disorder can come up on google without the first page being highlighted purple off where i've already viewed them.
yet, i still look, and i read as if i've never read them before.
then i go back to taking the online tests - which make no difference to my train of thought at the time.

i'm doing my own head in with my constant searching - but i can't stop!
my searching personality disorders doesn't lead me to anxiety - it leads me to questioning and wanting some form of reassurance. reassurance in that i am right...not that everything is ok!
when my anxiety is at work and i'm googling some kind of illness i think i may have, my anxiety flares up and i'm in a whirlwind of confusion to the point i think i'm dying.
the difference between the two is what is making me think it's something else.

i'm not saying i don't have anxiety issues - it's blatantly obvious that i do. but i think this is different!

my head is battered by my own brain! ha that is the best way i can describe it

[Skizo]

sorry I don't understand what is your problem or what is bothering you ?

[ladywillow]

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND! It's like my brain won't stop thinking..... it just keeps going... and going.... and going. My problem is diagnosing health issues. I keep thinking I am having a heart attack or stroke or something like that. I have had to make myself a promise to stop googling!!!!! I haven't googled a symptom for 2 days now. And I actually have to say that I feel a bit better.

Don't worry too much about it (if you can) - just try to accept it. It's totally normal anxiety behaviour!

[ladywillow]

Kev is right! I also took Kev's advice the other day when I was chatting and picked up a book by Dr. Claire Weekes. I'm not quite finished it, but it's very insightful and has helped me to put my mind at ease.

[anxiousmess]

thanx for all your replies :)

kev, i keep thinking i'm accepting anxiety - but maybe i'm not!
hmmm all of these replies haven't eased my thoughts on all of this. but i'm not dismissing it!
i'm being swallowed in by depression at the minute and there's nothing i can do about it.
so logically, it makes sense for my anxiety to be making me feel the way i feel at the minute about the personality disorders.
i'm waiting so much for this psychiatrist that i can't get it off my mind - which is probably sending me roudn the twist in itself
hmmmmmmmmmm

[anxiousmess]

sorry kev. i went to bed after i posted that message.
thanx though :)

[anxiousmess]

thanx for that kev! you wouldn't think about those having anxiety disorders! managing it is the key!

i do try and think positively - like i won't be like this forever.
only when my logical thinking kicks in - it tells me otherwise.
i have been like this since i was born. anorexia is an anxiety disorder in itself - i've been anorexic since i was pretty much born. i can remember hospital visits for my fortisip milkshakes from as far back as i can remember lol...it's a normal way of life for me.
my anxiety kicks up - my weight plummets - my monthly supply of milkshakes are supplied.
i'm on my third or fourth day of not eating right. survived the last 3 days on a few biscuits here and there - today i had a few chips.
hopefully i'll have more tomorrow!
hopefully i can get the right help, so i can have another tune be played, rather than the one that is currently playing coz it's doing me head in! ha
i am determined though! to at least get one of my anxiety issues under control - preferably my eating. that would help alot of other things unfold on their own i reckon!

i keep thinking that i should really pm you back - but i am trying to stop myself from feeling the need to reply to every message. only i guess i'm still failing as i'm letting you know what i'm doing through this...but i need to as it is making me feel realllllllllly bad! :rolleyes:

thanx again for your help :)