its not all in my head...

[anxiousmess]

went to the shop...just for milk. the shop keeper and a dude buying scratch cards were there. i grab the milk, turn round to go to the counter and both were staring and sniggering at me. wtf is wrong with me???????? i hate my life

[Suzzy]

How very rude!!! There's nothing wrong with you, its them that has the problem. I get this all the time but i assume its just coz im tall (6'2")! Seriously, people stare at me all the time. And I hate it. Dont let it get to you... :-) I remember i was sat in the cinema once and there were 3 teen girls sat behindme and i could literally feel them touching my hair and the hood on my top. I got soooo paranoid and when i came out it turned out they hadnt done anything! Its horrible when you're made to feel like that though.xx

[anxiousmess]

my boyfriend gets it with him being tall - we both get it especially if we are out together as i am really small ha. thank you :)
you're right, it isn't nice at all feeling like this. i reaallllllly hate it! i don't know what i am more angry and upset about - those doing that, or the fact i won't go back to that shop now! i've only just started being able to go in and be normal-ish. i can talk to them now...a teeny bit. ive been using their shop for 8 years now and only just been able to pluck up conversation.
obviously it's not his fault - he doesn't know i am the way i am. unless that is what they were laughing at.
i have just had the worst day ever!

i hate the nusery - but had to go, obviously! i get out the car, my boyfriend jokingly laughs at me - but he knows what i am like, and that plays on me! i told him about it when i got back in and he kind of shrugged it off.
i come home to a repossesion letter from the council as i was 6 weeks behind on my rent. HOW i forgot that is beyond me, but i did! payed and sorted now, thank god...but now i feel terrible about it!
then i go back to the nursery and my bf does it again! this time, i'm angry though. how could he do that?? yes, it is a joke - i understand! but he knows even jokes play with my head. i wonder - was it a joke? was it REALLY a joke? was it a joke in disguise?(if you know what i mean), was he trying to say something, without actually saying it! why would he?
thennnn...i drop the little one off at his grandmas, and my bf complains about my parents - as he does coz he doesn't like them. they interfere alot! i get home, the little ones dad rings to pick him up - i panic at the fact he's at his grandmas and feel terrible! even though i know i had done nothing wrong, i still felt bad. sorted that situation. then my mam came down, complained about a pushchair we were throwing out - and my bf had had enough of her and her comments.
so he's stormin around in a huff - i'm trying to keep socialise with my mam, as you do with guests at your home. while he is stomping around. i was able to talk to him, and all was fine. then when she leaves, i get a whole load of shit - arguing with me...claiming it is my fault my parents talk to him the way they do because with them being MY parents. i should be sticking up for him and saying something. only i don't think they talk to him that bad. but he says i don't think that because they've done it to me my whole life and i know no different.
either way - it is not me who has upset him so why should III be the one taking the slack!?!?
on top of all this, trying to deal with 3 kids, a cat in heat and a dog that howls all of the god damn time.
then the stupid shop incident.
i'm still not talking to my bf properly. he's sleeping all of his worries off now on the settee. i am sooooooooooooo fed up it is unreal!!
just needed a rant - i am so sorry! now i'm gonna feel bad about this! i think i'm just destined to be miseable!

[anxiousmess]

i think i might be having a breakdown. i don't know if i am or if it's just because i have googled it and fit all of the symptoms - which are all anxiety symptoms too. so i don't know.
my bf is 6'7 and i am 5' so i can see both ends of the scale. not good for tall or short people in the world of judgement like. especially for people with anxiety.

thank you both so much! i am calming down a bit now. just suffering from the normal anxiety symptoms now - lower neck/back pain, blurred vision...etc.etc. i just wish these thoughts would stop :( i keep thinking back to what jessed said, about knowing they are there and just watching them. i tried my hardest, repeatedly telling myself that i need to just leave them be on my way to the shop. but i think the more i focused on reminding myself to just let them be, the more i was actually focusing on the thoughts i was trying to ignore.
i don't know how i will grasp that one. constantly thinking i have psychosis too
maybe im not calming down at all. i feel like a lost soul

thanx again!!

[theoryofchoice78]

went to the shop...just for milk. the shop keeper and a dude buying scratch cards were there. i grab the milk, turn round to go to the counter and both were staring and sniggering at me. wtf is wrong with me???????? i hate my life

I've actually been in situations like that in my life, assuming the worst. To be honest, it's entirely possible that they were giggling about something unrelated to you (and they looked up only because you noticed), or if related, perhaps a little juvenile giggling because they thought you were attractive and had some comments between them.

[anxiousmess]

i suppose you could be right - although it didn't seem like that in the slightest, as they weren't even talking between themselves. i can't dismiss that fact though(that what you say is possible). as for the attractive thing, highly unlikely. i gave up on myself a few month back. i can't even bring myself to straighten my hair anymore - too worried that others will think i am trying too hard. which is another thing i don't understand. i WANT to do my hair nice. the thoughts get the better of me though and i end up not doing it. i can't win. im really sorry, i think i'm just going through a 'feeling sorry for myself' stage at the minute.

[anxiousmess]

thank you! you've twigged an extra thing in my brain to help me see more clearly that it is anxiety! i need to try and keep hold of that thought!
it is unbelievable how easily you can be sucked in to a tiny negative thought, and what that tiny thought can escalate into! it is unreal!

i tell people all the time distraction is the key - yet when i am in this, i can not distract myself! it is as if my thoughts have full control. it is as if i have split personalities...but lets not go down that path lol.
bare with my spelling and words coz they are all coming out wrong at the minute. i did have brain down as train before lol. trying to correct as much as poss!

my distraction is usually tidy up - it is usually always available with the kids and the animals! i've got the dishes to do anyway, so i think i might go and do them now. why does my mind seem to fight what i actually want to do though? is that a normal part of anxiety? just like my hair situation - i won't straighten my hair anymore. i won't wear make up anymore. even though deep down i WANT to do these things. i am just stopped by my thoughts all of the time!
thank you! when i feel as though i'm losing control, i'm gonna think of the locomotion! lol it hasn't stopped me completely, but it is helping me focus on recognising it and accepting it. from there i can work on it! hopefully!!

[theoryofchoice78]

i suppose you could be right - although it didn't seem like that in the slightest, as they weren't even talking between themselves. i can't dismiss that fact though(that what you say is possible). as for the attractive thing, highly unlikely. i gave up on myself a few month back. i can't even bring myself to straighten my hair anymore - too worried that others will think i am trying too hard. which is another thing i don't understand. i WANT to do my hair nice. the thoughts get the better of me though and i end up not doing it. i can't win. im really sorry, i think i'm just going through a 'feeling sorry for myself' stage at the minute.

LOL, you give men far too much credit. Women worry about things like hair and makeup. Men are too busy looking at rear-ends and breasts to think of such things. You would probably be surprised how many men on a given day think complimentary thoughts of you, regardless of how you happen to perceive yourself :)