my story.

[kate08]

my name is kate and im 26. i was diagnosed with juvenile myoclonic epilepsy when i was 18 and have been dealing with that off and on since. i am very goal driven and like to follow plans. that being said, taking a year off between high school and college really took a toll on me both physically and mentally. however, giving credit where its due i was not ready to start college per the norm. during my time off i was focusing on getting my seizures under control via trying different drugs. im currently on lamictal, topomax and clonazampam. i went to school the next year and have had problems doing well since (partying too much b/c i had too much freedom and an abusive boyfriend). after many second chances ive seen a counselor and am track to graduate in may. however, ive also had problems with anorexia and bulimia (never been diagnosed) which have gotten better over the years. now, i feel like i have the opposite problem (i eat junk food all the time and order food when my boyfriend isnt home so he wont find out the extent of my over-eating). i think that ive suffered with situational depression which as one can imagine gets better when situations change. however, recently (the past year) ive noticed that i have thrown myself into school wanting to do well b/c i dont have any other chances; i've spent the last 8 years in school off and on and plan on going to graduate school in august. until then i have to do well in order to succeed. the problem im having is that over the past year my school work has started to slip (like it did before) and im so scared of failing that i dont try...which im afraid is going to happen. to handle everything im taking zoloft and buspar which i hope will help. any advice would be welcome.

[kate08]

as in a therapist. and if so, yes, off and on now for a few years. and weekly since last october.

[GStar]

Kate when you say you have to do well to succeed do you mean your marks need to reach a certain level to pass or do you mean that you, in yourself have set yourself a bench mark that you consider successful and are scared of not reaching that benchmark?

[kate08]

gstar-both. ive come to equate self-worth in my grades and getting an education; which i think im making up for not doing well the first go around. as far as life; i suppose the same could be said. i feel like i have to do this and that to be successful and if i dont then im a failure. for me its black and white; which i know is not the right way to think about it but its part of the depression and anxiety. and yes, im terrified of not reaching the goals i have set for myself which makes it worse b/c i create this false sense of failure which makes me think im either going to succeed or fail and then it becomes easier to fail b/c im so scared of it so by it happening ive made it come true; if that makes any sense.

[GStar]

Makes total sense because I was/am exactly the same. When I first started university I was studying AND working full time but not because I knew I could handle it, because I couldn't, I was because I had it in my head that it was necessary to be deserving of some kind of self worth, because I didn't feel deserving of self worth just studying or just working.

About a year and a half into that I burnt out, literally, my body and heart said no more to the stress, bad diet and lack of sleep and I ended up in hospital with gord and fatigue, which was probably compounded by my GAD and depression, but I just didn't know/wouldn't admit to it at the time.

What added to that pressure was 1.I'm the first person in my immediate family to finish high school and go onto university and 2. I knew in the first term that the degree straight up wasn't going to be for me but stuck to it because I felt people around me would see me changing degrees as a failure and giving up was just out of the question.

And some people did so that didn't help the situation, some "friends" who were doing the same degree actually stopped talking to me because apparently I abandoned them. But other people supported my decision and encouraged me to do it because they could see it was the right decision.

The degree change forced me to take it on part time there was no other option but obviously the best thing because it forced me to take on a little less. That was short lived as a new job I took on was a high stress job, I was still coping until the workplace bullying,discrimination and sexual harassment started, then I started to go down hill again.

The discrimination was because I was pregnant so when I went on maternity leave I threw myself into my study and preparing for the birth. Uni was going well, but my birth did not unfold the way I wanted to and I'm still dealing with the feelings of failure as a mum for not being able to deliver naturally.

My maternity leave is almost over and I'm meant to be returning to work soon but the thought of going back and having to go through what I went trough it's sent my anxiety and panic attacks into overdrive and so went to the doctor about the panic attacks, he referred me to psychologist and that's when she pointed out I have GAD, depression and OCD.

What my therapist and I are doing is working on setting realistic goals, because setting myself goals that I can't achieve is only going to set myself up for failure, so one of my goals is to set achievable goals, so when I do achieve a goal essentially I'm achieving two at the same time.

I would suggest talking to your lecturer as well, tell them exactly what's going on, and find out exactly what they expect for you to pass, what you expect from yourself, organize times to meet up with them at regular intervals to check how you are progressing with the study, go over assignment drafts etc so that your anxiety about losing motivation doesn't spiral out of control and help keep your anxiety about not meeting goals or expectations in check...??

Not sure about you but for myself with my GAD and OCD I over-analyze everything and develop scenarios in my head to "plan" for all the possible outcomes to feel in control and then obsess about all those possible outcomes, usually focusing on the worst ones which just fills my head with negative thoughts which leads to the feelings of worthlessness, so another thing my therapist is getting me to work on is replacing the bad with the good.

When ever I catch my self over analyzing, thinking bad/negative thoughts I have to stop - and tell myself "no I'm not going to do this anymore" and think some time positive or do something that results in positive thoughts and feelings, even if it's me repeatedly telling myself that I'm in control of what I get done, not the anxiety.

I've got a loooong way to go, because I still have more bad then good days with setting myself unrealistic goals and then feeling useless and guilty when I don't achieve them, but I'm finding that working with my therapist to break bad habits and thoughts I am improving because I at least have some good days amongst the bad now.