I'm getting anxiety over finding out about my girlfriends past, can I get some advice

[bentleychris23]

hi, my girlfriend and i have been back together for 4 months but recently i found out about her casual encounters with other guys when we broke up. we're both in high school, so i asked if she went farther than making out with any of the guys. and she said no nothing further. i have anxiety though and now my mind is obsessing over the fact, "what if any of the guys felt her up" and i'm dying to ask her that question. I know i shouldnt as its just feeding the fuel to my anxiety. can anyone help me cope and just rationalize my thoughts. i know this might come across as funny and childish but it's really bothering me.

[anxiousmess]

hiya. you aren't coming across as funny or childish :)

you are right. you shouldn't ask as you would just fuel your anxiety.
what you should do, is accept the fact that she has told you about this (she didn't have to), and let it go. i know it is alot easier said than done but it is the only way.

it doesn't matter what she done when you broke up as you had broke up. i do know exactly where you are coming from though! i have done worse than you! i have questioned my bf about his first serious relationship - years before we even met lol.

at the end of the day - you chose to get back with her. you got back with her not knowing if she had done anything at all. you obviously wanted to get back with her so try and just be happy with that :)

just keep reminding yourself that you two weren't together at the time. what matters now is that you two are together - and thats a good thing, right? :)

[bentleychris23]

ok thank you, for the first time someone understands where i'm coming from. so even if i'm doubting the fact that maybe she did indeed go farther, i shouldn't ask because she already told me she didn't go farther than just kissing and in a rational mind it's none of my business what happened when we weren't together? and i need to trust what she told me.

[anxiousmess]

that's right! if you don't trust then you will just create further problems. trust me - i have been there!
you have no reason not to trust though as it was when you two weren't together.
your anxiety is just being a pain in the arse at the minute. just ride it out and then i'm sure all will be fine again :)

just be aware of when you are being irrational. or you could always come on this board to double check :)

[bentleychris23]

thanks so much i really appreciate the help. my mind is going "well what is her definition of going past kissing? could the guy have been groping her in private places and shes not telling me?" u think this is all my anxiety? i haven't ever had these thoughts and if i ever thought about it for a second i'd realize it was irrational. anxiety can twist your mind so badly.

[anxiousmess]

my mind is like that constantly - over everything. even over this board believe it or not lol.
you just have to ignore them. accept that they are there - but accept that they are irrational. it is definitely anxiety - no doubt about it.

i'm really sorry but i have to go. i hope i've helped you enough to recognise it and get through it :)

and you are very welcome :)

[Chiliphil1]

I have this problem too, when my wife and I first got married past events tormented me for the first couple of years, it almost broke us up on a few occasions. I had such a problem with it that I couldn't even be around her sometimes. I don't know why it bothered me like it did, I had no right to be that way, she had her past and I had mine, but for some reason hers just drove me to horrible anxiety, and in some cases even rage.

You can handle your situation. I how you see fit, but for me what I had to do was sit down with her and have her explain in detail everything she had ever done. This was not fair to her, but was the only way that I could get past it to remove the speculation and know the facts. It was extremely hard to hear what she said, and put me in a bad place for a while, but by knowing it all I was able to get over it.

The only thing you can do is to get over it, or break up with her. I know that sounds tough, but it's the truth, for me she was worth the torment I went through getting over it, I dealt with it for years and sometimes still do, but I just remember that she is worth it. I don't like that I'm not the only one, but in the end it does not matter what she has done, it's what she's doing now which is 8 years of marriage and 4 kids, so you just have to make the decision of what's best for you in this case, and go from there.

I wish you the best of luck, I know exactly how tough this is.

[jessed03]

Never be afraid of feeling childlike. Being a child is real. It's adult idea's and emotions that are stupid. You have to behave this way. You have to believe what I believe. If you aren't this type of person I'll judge you. etc etc...

A child like emotion is all thats real. A child doesn't mix everything up. When they are cold, they are cold. When sad, they are sad. When lonely, they are lonely. When scared, scared. A child has so little knowledge, but is so rarely confused. An adult is bewildered the second they wake up, and yet we have cities full of books, libraries and universities. :)

Right now, you're feeling anxiety because somebody you care about, may be slightly different to how you imagined. You have lot of time and emotion invested in her. But it seems like this feeling comes from wanting to protect your investment, and not allowing a caring respect to grow on it's own.

This one's coming out of control dude. Not love. I'm not saying at all that you don't love her. But this emotion is coming from a bad place, and sucking you in...

You aren't thinking 'Gosh I hope she didn't do something that was unpleasant for her'... You're thinking 'I hope she didn't do that, because if she did, that's not what I want her to do'... And no great thing has ever lasted built upon jealousy. All jealousy falls eventually. You live by it, you die by it. You've got to let her be free to be who she wants to be. If not, then you don't love her. You love the idea of her, but that idea exists inside you, so it's a selfish love, an egotistical love. Let her go, not physically, or mentally, but symbolically. Tell her how you feel about things. Tell her you'll trust her, you'll let her be her own person, you won't check on her, you won't cramp her style. If she cares for you, she'll keep consideration about your feelings. She'll be honest.You'll know you're compatible. If you aren't compatible, then I'm afraid nobody can offer advice. There is no way to make a Daisy into a Rose.

That's all you can do. You'll be hurt a few times, you'll be amazed a few times. Nobody said love was easy.

It's tough, really tough. The spanish have two word's for I love you. One means love, the other true love. The one representing true love is rarely used. Probably because actual love is rare. What's gone is gone. Neither God or the Devil can change the past. If jealousy is there, let it be there. You can't fight it, it's natural. But don't entertain it. Don't invite it inside your house, feed it, and offer it a place to stay. It will only stay until it's strong enough, then over throw you, and take control of your house, your mind, your body.

Be well my friend :)

[bentleychris23]

yeah jesse that makes a lot of sense. i know what i'm doing is ridiculous, i've never had this before. how do i make the jealousy go away? how do i not get curious to ask all these questions? its gotten to the point where i want to know whether she was lying down or sitting with these guys. its ridiculous. its hypocritical, i've been with other girls. but i cant think rationally right now

[PanicCured]

First off, I recommend everyone here to watch the movie, Chasing Amy. It is very appropriate for this thread.

Remember: In high school you don't lose your girlfriend, you just lose your turn.

I would look at this as good practice for the real adult world.

What you do not want to be is the guy asking 50 questions about her past, and feeling all jealous and insecure. Crying because she is now sharing a locker with Tom, who used to be your best buddy.

It's high school, don't take it all so seriously! Besides your grades of course so you can get into a good college. And wait til you see the babes in college...