So confused, I dont know whats going on with me

[*pixiedust*]

My diagnosis is severe GAD, with panic attacks, a needle phobia and agoraphobia and depression. I have recently developed what I guess is OCD because I get the same thing going round in my head all day, in fact I'v had the same problem going round in my head most of all day everyday for months, in a little cycle. I get a lot of derealization. And I have a very exagerated fear of my boyfriend leaving me, particularly for someone else. I think I have BPD, I'm going to the doctors a lot at the moment who are trying to cut down the anxiety and depression and are doing assesments and stuff. I get quite a lot of health anxiety, I get lots and lots of anxiety in a relationship, to the point I wont have one right now and worry about if I look "normal" or not. I wear full make up everyday and wont leave the house without it. If someone comes to my house and I have no make up on, I panic and get embarrased and even upset. I wont sit in a room of people without makeup on. I am better than i used to be with it though, selected people see me without makeup, well, without full make up :-S But then again, I worry about a LOT! The GAD is quite extensive. And I get stressed quite a lot and I worry a lot that I'm selfish or a spoiled brat or not a very nice person and that I dont do enough for other people. I hope thats not true. I try to help people and be nice. I sometimes think people think I'm weird. Oh and I have a big fear thinking I'm going to hallucinate, which is VERY rare for me but has happened. Wierd thing is, when it has happened, it hasnt been scary! Not REALLY scary anyway, a bit scary. I'm more scared of just how scary it could get.

Actually, I'm worried in general, I'm confused, I dont know whats going on with me and I got out of a relationship about six weeks ago that was very controlling and told me what to wear, where to go, what to do, how to act everything. My personality seems to keep changing and I dont really feel like I know who I am! One minute I wanna be classy, the next I want to look hot, the next I wanna be laid back and cool, the jobs I want to go for change all the time, the tattoos i want, if I want, the jobs I want, I cant decide what to study because I keep changing! One minute I want to be a beauty therapist, the next I wasnt to study ancient religion, then music, then science, then social work, then childcare. I feel lost, I really dont think I know who I am, who I want to be, and sometimes I feel like I give up, I dont care, as long as I settle down with someone I will be happy.Maybe I just need to stay single for a while and find me. But I had this quite a lot, my personality adapts to who I'm dating or hanging out with and my personality seems to change, I dont know if its mood swings? I can be sweet and nice then I'll turn grumpy and angry, then later i'll be nice and very sensitive, then later I'll be not caring what anyone think, then I'll be sweet and childlike, then I'll be grumpy, then i'll be mature, then I'l be a bit of a brat. My ex said he couldnt deal with not knowing which one of me he was gonna pick up! but surely that depends on if he was being horrible or not?! I do feel like there are so many versions of me :-( my body image goes up and down all the time too

I am so confused and lost and it worries me that I dont know who I am, and oh my days the amount of panic attacks. I feel like I’m losing it. I keep getting frustrated and angry too but maybe thats just because I'v been very stressed lately cos I had a lot going on

[vonnhelsing]

hey pixie!
first of all, how old are you?
it's totally understandable for you to be feeling all these emotions.. anxiety is stress so it adds onto all other stressful situations we're in and really makes it worse. just start eradicating all negative things from your life. i agree that you should probably stay single for a while. thats what i did. because if it's making you frustrated and stuff then its just not worth it.. being in a relationship really stresses me out so im single now. you need to focus on only yourself for a while. you will find who you are soon. im still trying to figure out who i am and what i want to do with my life. it takes time.. :)

[*pixiedust*]

I'm 24, I should be sorted by now :-( all my friends are fine, the younger ones are all way more sorted than me. And I'm still the same wreck as I was as a teenager, emotionally anyway. I dont want to be in a relationship anymore, I'v been messed around my whole dating life, and at the moment, I just live in agonising, constant fear of them leaving me for someone else, its horrible, I get so jealous! I worry they'll meet someone at work, I wont go near thier work in case I see a very attractive collegue because I know how worried I'll be everytime they go to work....not that they'd randomly sleep with them, that they'd fall in love with them and leave me! To be fair, it might help if I had a boyfriend who acted like they liked me! I really wish I would hurry up and grow up! I deal very very badly with breakups :-( Yes I am definately sorting myself out before another boyfriend. I think I'v done well over the last few weeks and have kinda snapped myself out of all the worrying in relationship stuff, I feel like I have things sorted in my head a bit more. I feel like such an idiot. I'v been in this mess of not knowing what I want to do since I was 16. 8 years I'v thought about it and I still cant decide. However, I did rule accountancy out because I did some exams last year and didnt like it much, a little too hard for me. So I am trying to sort myself out :-( I'v had depression for 8 years now, with some really bad bouts of it and for the last 3years, anxiety that is just getting worse and worse and worse. I just want to be sorted now :-( so no, not just a bout because of a nine month relationship, I actually dont think I sould have worried so much about it because I dont think it was worth it. It seemed it at the time though.

I actually do quite a lot about my anxiety and depression, I eat healthy, I walk a lot, I dont drink, only one or two (a real one or two!) very rarely, I barely smoke, in fact I havent had one in a couple of weeks, I dont drink caffiene, I drink green tea, I have tried 3 lots of tablets in the last 3 months, I have been to anti stress classes, a nine week course, I go to group therapy, I'm always trying to get counselling (i think I might have finally got some luck with that touch wood!) I do try and distract myself, I'v been working full time although I'v been signed off sick now. I been playing wii with my housemates, wii fitting for more excersize, bought myself a playstation game! Doing stuff around the house. I been reading self help books and doing things when I feel like I can like doing a bit of shopping, going to the cinema, or bowling or going for a night in the city, but because of the agoraphobia I dont do a lot and find it very difficult or dont enjoy it a lot of the time because I'm so anxious and panicky. I visit my friend that lives down the road, go see my parents, play with my cat, play piano. And I do the whole trying to face my fears and drop safety behaviour stuff too. And I'm always putting music on because I know that helps, or it use to, lately its been getting to me a bit, just the noise. And My support group is CBT and I should get one on one CBT help afterwards and I try to do it myself too. I'v cut down my hours at work and got the welfare officer involved because I was struggling and finding it stressful, I'v sorted problems with my house, i have builders coming to sort it tomorow, it will help when that is done. I sleep well, I try and look after myself, I help other people. I dont know what else to do, maybe I am trying too hard? I get a good amount of sleep. My whole life has become fighting panic attacks and anxiety! Apart from more excersize, I dont know what else I can do? Any ideas?

Oh. and my self esteem is actually better than it was when i was a teen about 13, its not as bad as it used to be but not as good as it was three years ago. Not just because of the recent break up, we were only together 9 months

<3
<3

[vonnhelsing]

it sounds like you're really doing everything right! yes definitely cut down on the smoking, if not completely quitting. i've quit and i have noticed a decrease in anxiety. you're doing all the right things now you need to just put your mind at ease. don't freak out so much that you're not sure yet where you're going. you're only 24!! i used stress out sooo bad cause all my high school friends have finished university and are all in their fields of study. i never went to university because i couldn't afford it and have been working and saving up. i felt useless. but just try to go with the flow. whats meant to happen will happen. it will come to you. get a hobby and keep yourself inspired, motivated and distracted. I've started playing guitar and photography. unhealthy relationships arent worth your time. focus on yourself. i know life can be stressful when the future is unclear. a very common personality trait in people with anxiety is the need for everything to be set in stone and planned ahead. So when we feel like things aren't clear we stress out for no reason. i've just been meditating, it's really done wonders for me i'd highly recommend it to anyone. get in touch with your inner self. let your mind rest. it's been doing wayyyy too much over-thinking and worrying :) xxx

[*pixiedust*]

Hi again,

Yea. I do know quite a lot about anxiety and why it happens and how it works, I went on a course the nhs run. It is literally fear of panic attacks is why I get panic attacks most of the time now. I think I do need to relax a bit, the last 5 months have been quite tough, I'v had a lot going on with the (now ex) boyf, and work has been bad, and the house has had really bad damp and had a couple of really bad viruses and ME and athsma. And I dont think the group therapy is helping actually, I think adopting everyone elses problems! I start worrying about what they are worrying about! Maybe its not for me. I worry about more now than i did before! The thing is, when I challenge my thoughts, the panicked ones, i do try to talk myself down and make things better for myself, and think positively instead but its like theres two parts of my head, i'm trying to concentrate on the good thoughts but sometimes the bad ones still whirr round and round at me! Its almost like I'm trying to think positive but then theres anohter part of my brain that is still whirring away. My panic attacks used to be a lot more physical, and I learned how to deal with them, now they seem more psycollogical somehow. I have some meds that I have a good feeling about. I'v only took two so far but I just feel a lot better about them than I did the others. I think I'm just going through a tough patch and the meds will take the edge off and then I can sort myself out again. I know I want to go back to study next year so I'm quite focused on that, amongst over things....but no boyfriends! not until I am all better. Thank you for ur advice :-)

Much <3

[*pixiedust*]

it sounds like you're really doing everything right! yes definitely cut down on the smoking, if not completely quitting. i've quit and i have noticed a decrease in anxiety. you're doing all the right things now you need to just put your mind at ease. don't freak out so much that you're not sure yet where you're going. you're only 24!! i used stress out sooo bad cause all my high school friends have finished university and are all in their fields of study. i never went to university because i couldn't afford it and have been working and saving up. i felt useless. but just try to go with the flow. whats meant to happen will happen. it will come to you. get a hobby and keep yourself inspired, motivated and distracted. I've started playing guitar and photography. unhealthy relationships arent worth your time. focus on yourself. i know life can be stressful when the future is unclear. a very common personality trait in people with anxiety is the need for everything to be set in stone and planned ahead. So when we feel like things aren't clear we stress out for no reason. i've just been meditating, it's really done wonders for me i'd highly recommend it to anyone. get in touch with your inner self. let your mind rest. it's been doing wayyyy too much over-thinking and worrying :) xxx

Hi Vonnhelsing,

Yea, the smoking is on the way out! I havent had one in about two weeks :-) I go though fits and starts, sometimes I'll only have one a week, or even a fortnight and then I'll have a patch of a week where I have one a day, then 3 a day, then back to one every couple of days, then back to one a week. Its not a lot but it was creeping up but I'v had really bad athsma lately, it appeared from nowhere! So no more cigarettes for me :-(

Yea, I do feel a bit bad that the rest of my friends have studied or are at least doing well. I dont like my job and I feel a bit of a failure. The anxiety started work related 3 years ago, I had been so good at my job until then, and then I got ill with ME and panic attacks and lost my job. It hit me quite hard. I think because of the ME, I'm tired all the time, I struggle with just a full time job, it has affected my self esteem, I used to love that I was good at my job, and I loved the job and now I'm in a job I hate but because my panics are so bad, I'm scared to go to an interview, but if these meds work out then I'll get a new job.

And gonna study next year, I spoke to the nhs lady I had a evaluation with and she asked stuff about education and said I'll be old enough for some kind of grant so I can go to college and still afford my house :-D very happy about that! And I love playing piano so I gonna get the one for the house. I'd like to do a cooking class too.....theres loads I'd like to study actually.

I am hopefully going to get some counselling, get a little less lost, get rid of some of the stress and anxiety
thankyou for all your kind messages :-)
xxx

[vonnhelsing]

Hey Pixie,

That sounds great :) i love hearing how positive you are! that's a really great attitude to have. there's no need to be feeling down no matter how bad anxiety feels, as long as you keep looking up and forward to the future and making plans then you'll definitely fight this! i used to be sooo chronically depressed cause of anxiety but now i just say whatever and ignore it cause i know it cant harm me just make me feel crap and if i start thinking differently eventually it'll go away for good :) so hang in there i promise you'll get out of it soon if you keep doing what you're doing! playing piano and cooking is a wonderful idea. :)
take care! xxxxxx