i hate what my life has become

[zstinson21]

Well then do something abt it u say? Give me a gun. (Im actually quite shocked that i wrote that cause i would never say that aloud) im what some would say are the most dangerous type of ppl because im an imploder. I hardly ever let my emotions show thru to the outside world. Im the type who no matter what i feel in a negative sense puts a smile on and tries to make everyone else around me happy when on the inside i just want to shoot myself in the face. I truly feel that no one that i know truly knows me, heck over half the time i dont feel i know myself. Or maybe who i think i am changes so constantly. Im absolutely terrible with showing my feelings for others and i blame much of that on my parents and those who i have dated in the past, yet i do take responsibility for my wrong doings when i am in the wrong. I let ppl walk all over me and manipulate me and idk why. I feel like i honestly have no true friends. I am the black sheep of the family. I have nobody to talk to about anything, including my boyfriend. If i try to tell anyone that im feeling down or anything they just look at me like i want attention thats why i mostly keep to myself. I used to cut myself but i stopped cause i got tired of trying to hide the scars/wounds. If i try to talk to my boyfriend abt anything on how im feeling sad or the way he treats me sometimes he tells me "poor you" then it usually ends there because i dont want to fight. We have been together for about a year and a half before we got together i had a job i was pretty content at and had money saved towards buying a house. Well about 5 months in i bought a house and both of our names are on the land contract and 2 months after that he talked me into quitting my job because he said he would pay for me to go to beauty school (he has a well paying job) well that never happened because he is very terrible with money. I live in a smaller town so when i tried to find a job its useless especially in this economy. I just feel so trapt and alone and i feel i have no escape. I havent seen any therapist cause i have no insurance and i hate pills because of the altered mindset. Im so lost :'(

[alankay]

Tin, in this case I really would call a helpline like 1-800-273-TALK and start there. You really must be hurting and need to take that first step of asking a 3rd party for help as your family/boyfriend just don't seem to get it. PM me for other tel #'s for the Michigan area.
Help is out there. Reach out of for it. Alankay.

[abductodude]

Hey, Zstinson21!

I understand. On New Years Eve of 2011, my girlfriend broke up with me at a church. From then onto September, I feel into a deep depression, because I had loved her for 4 years and only dated her 2 months. After a while, people kept telling me to "Get a grip" or "Suck it up". They didn't understand the pain I felt, which sort of ties in with you. These people, your family and boyfriend, just don't understand. You shouldn't be angry with them. And you shouldn't feel like nobody knows you. We all understand what you are going through, and there are people out there who love you, believe it or not. I think Alankay is right. Since they don't get it, you should talk to somebody who does. Maybe that will help. I hope you get well soon!

[longliveswift]

Try talking to someone. maybe a best friend or something, because support from even one person can really make a difference.

-longliveswiftxx

[appshopper01]

Try daily affirmations, prayer and reading a lot of uplifting positive books on change or listen to iphone apps like that. I really do think working on your thoughts has a direct connection and effect on your mood. It won't happen overnight but nothing good comes easy!!!

[Britboy]

I know how you feel. Nothing anyone can say will make you feel better but you still want to cry out for help. When I get like this a lot of times what people tell just feels insulting or just plain stupid. Take care of yourself for us

[lisa1681]

I'm in agreement with you, lately all I want is to be left alone and stop pretending that I'm happy. Is draining to put up an act that I'm happy and I'm enjoying everybody's company including my own family. I have no outlet to discharge how I feel without feeling guilty that I might have offended some one.

[CoolMist80]

My heart goes out to you. You sound like such a nice person who simply wants some happiness in her life. I think getting into beauty school would be a good thing (if that is what you want to do). I know lots of those schools give out loans to attend school. Or could you go back to your old job that your bf suggested you quit? They may hire you back. That's happened for me a couple times. There always is a solution. Just have faith in yourself to work it out and get your happiness eventually. It might not come right away, but you have to believe that it will if you take the right steps towards living your dreams. I hope this helps. Good luck to you.