Overwhelmed

[*pixiedust*]

Okay, I'm new here and I joined up because I'm feeling overwhelmed. My anxiety has gone through the roof. I am so fed up.

I had a boyfriend, and I know I deal really really badly with breakups, I have in the past been as low as it gets because of them, so I worry about them, a lot! I worry constantly about them meeting someone else, cos I worry how I would cope if they did, what would happen if I was really happy with someone, and if I let myself believe they werent gonna leave me and they did. I constantly worry about my appearance, I'v got it in my head if I dont try hard enough, I will always be left and hurt. I do get left a lot! Probably cos I'm so worried about it :-( My self-esteem and confidence fluctuate all the time. SOmetimes I feel good, sometimes I feel hidious. Without makeup, I wont go out, and panic about people seeing me. If I go for a night out, which I rarely do, I pile on fake tan and masses of make up and hair extensions and spend hours getting ready so I feel attractive enough and dont feel bad. But once I'm ready, sometimes I'm happy with myself. I feel guilty for letting such things affect me so much. I know its the inside that counts, and my inside drives people away cos I get jealous out ofbeing scared of being hurt again, even worrying about people at work. I actually left my last boyfriend because I was so scared of him leaving me...doesnt make a lot of sense but I couldnt handle it anymore. I think its the thing I worry about most, which makes me feel quite loopy. Other people cope, I feel so stupid. I worry about my sister, she is so happy woth her boyfriend, it makes me sick, I'm happy for here, but also scared of her getting hurt. And my friends too, I really worry! I didnt realise some people dont panic about these things as much as I do, and that made it worse when I did.

I have a phobia of blood tests, I am tired all the time, it affects my social life, my work, and my love life. It drags me down, I'v barely been out with my friends. I'v I have so much as two drinks, I am hungover and ill all the next day. I am always stressed out because of it. They think I have M.E. but I should have a blood test. Problem is, when it comes to it, I always get so scared and think I'm gonna die, and panic and run away.

I have general anxiety. I have panic attacks about shopping in malls, I have panic attacks about meetings at work, I have panic attacks about seeing my area manager, I have panic attacks shopping, I have panic attacks about food shopping, I have panic attacks about seeing ex boyfriends, even if its a slim chance, I have panic attacks about panic attacks, I drive myself nuts thinking I have illnesses that I dont, I worry and get scared if i need an operation or medical treatment because I know I run away, I get worried about eating new things in case I'm allergic to it. I worry myself sick about mental illnesses. I worry about fainting on stairs, escalators or in the shower. I dont like going where theres lots of people, I get panic attacks. I even get panic attacks thinking i'm going to hallucinate monstors, or ghosts, I'v worried about for years. And then the other day, I did hallucinate, that the table and the floor was moving (first time its happened). It wasnt as scary as I thought it would be actually. I cry a lot.

I worry because I'v decided not to have a boyfriend so I cant get hurt again, and because it all seems to make me anxious anyway, that my friends who are all coupled up, wont want to see me, and that I'll be alone all the time and that I'll get even more depressed......I'm only 24, if I dont die early, thats a long time to be lonely, and I kinda think, what's the point? I guess I'll get used to it, I hope I will

I do have things I enjoy in life, I like to play piano, i would like to learn to dance. Maybe if I pursue these things, my life will balance out. I would like to study, but I worry about getting overwelmed with t, or paying for it all and then hating it, and how on earth I would afford to live still, especially cos I am so tired al the time.

I feel selfish, I worry that I am selfish all the time, which is another reason I dont want a relationship, my worrying all the time, I think I end up quite selfish. I try to do nice things for people though, and try to help people, but sometimes I worry I dont do it enough and that I am selfish.

I'v been getting anxiety help, i dont think its working so far!
I feel better for writing actually

[alankay]

Pixie, it seems like this has been bothering you for a while. It also seems your self esteem also has taken a big hit.
You mention you're getting help. Are you seeing an therapist? If so you seem to having very high anxiety and panic as you have described and at some point, this needs to be brought under some control. Have you seen a family doc(GP) yet? If so did you tell him all that you're feeling? Being tired is common if one is depressed. If you're feeling that bad you might want to consider visiting your doc. You need to start with some treatment as being in this state, it will hard to use a therapist only to really make much progress IMHO.
I think it's hard to make sense of all this when part of your troubles are just symptoms of anxiety. I hope the therapist is working on finding route causes and possible solutions as well as helping you learn about anxiety and how calm yourself.
How far does this goes back, etc, all this needs to be went over as well as you life history to see if there something that's really at the core off all this.
I think we all fear being hurt and when you feel as you do, you feel less resilient and more vulnerable so are even more fearful and reluctant to want to start a new relationship. We also might feel like we don't "deserve" a significant other with how we're feeling which is hogwash.
All this feeds the anxiety/depression more and really at some point need to get it under control and if you not getting there via a therapist, visit your family doc and tell him/her all you're going through and feeling. You are suffering and deserve better. PM any time. Alankay.

[*pixiedust*]

Thankyou for replying alankay, it means a lot to me to know there's someone there. Yes I have been seeing doctors, they have tried a couple of medications but the two so far have made me hallucinate a panickier, even in such a little time as 3 days! I went to anti panic classes which helped and I started a group therapy for panic but i'v only done one session and it made me so much worse! I cried in front of everyone for two whole hours! Only one other person so much as shed a tear! I know my recent break up has made things worse. He was very demanding too and I was full of anxiety, I think it may have a lasting effect. I'm at work today and I think this is just all too much right now, after having just had over a week off, i'v been having 5 panics a day the last few days. My boss is understanding bit even this right now is too much, I'm a shell, I just keep stopping and thinking to myself in a daze. I have very bad derealisation too. One minute I'm coping, not okay, but coping and the next, i feel litank can't do this again, and then I hate to think what sitting at home for a week might do too. I think I am going to have to go to the next panic group morning but simply tell the lady how bad i'v been I think, I have been on the waiting list long enough to nearly be able to have one on one therapy. I really want meds, and to be better but I feel so fragile right now I would be scared to take them, even my doctor wouldn't give me them! Because I react so quickly. I have had nightmares all night for 3 days running now too, long winded, vivid nightmares. I don't usually have them this bad, I have periods of the night where I know I'm worried in my sleep (it's the same things over and over again, I think it's OCD) but not usually these strange intense nightmares that have very little to do with what I'm worrying about.

[*pixiedust*]

Oh and I rang my doctor, I have an appointment by phone tomorow so I can disscuss with him if I need to go off sick. I kinda already know I do, no other job would let me behave this way. Oh and I have been depressed for 7yrs on and off, always been a little anxious and had severe anxiety for the last 3 years

[alankay]

Pixie, well the folks at the group cared they just felt you needed to get all that pain out. Like me, if they get too close, they will get anxious as well so are careful about that. See?
If you were taking an SSRI maybe you need to start at a much lower dose. Some folks are sensitive to them but they still can help if carefully monitored/started by the docs. He has the last word on that though.
Keep going to the group. Yeah it hard to start as is stressful to be around all those folks but after getting into it, you'll likely find it helps.
There is a bit of a link between OCD and anxiety. OCD IS an anxiety disorder in of itself. They use luvox for that allot. Alankay.