Please help me get better. :( (long-ish post, questions at the end)

[StarryNight]

This is a long post. You don't need to read it all, but please try to answer my questions at the end of the post. I'd appreciate any help I get. I'm really desperate right now. :(

I've been suffering from GAD for what seems like forever. I had my first fainting spells at the age of 5. I would hear the doctor talk about my medical condition and faint because it reminded me of the operations I underwent.
I take/took benzos (prazepam) & I still take antidepressants (escitalopram, the 20mg one, four drops/ day.) I know it's a small dose but I giggle uncontrollably if I take more, and people think I'm drunk. It's happened in class, so I have to be careful.
I have all the symptoms of GAD. ALL of them. I usually choke/ hiccup/ simulate a heart attack each time I panic. It gets old after a while.
I have a fear of all things medical because of this. I also have agoraphobia and bad claustrophobia, but it's gotten better.
Among other things, I'm extremely afraid of aggressive dogs... and lasers. I know, I'm weird. I also hate touching things that are too hot or too cold, and according to my doctor, I always make sure that I'm constantly "ill." My latest "illness" is swollen gums. I had a tendinitis a week ago, and couldn't move my neck a month ago. It's really getting to me, because I'm tired of taking pain meds. I also had earache (not the kind that needs antibiotics, the GAD-induced kind) for over a month. It finally went away, but comes back if I stress out too much.

Each time I try to study, I panic. I get aches that come from nowhere, my mouth becomes dry, and my chest tightens/ my heart hurts because it beats too fast.
My average BPM is about 58-62 so I know my heart is fine. Studying is almost impossible for me. I'm lucky I'm a language major. I use my foreign language a lot so I can get away with it but still, I need to be able to study. :(

I can't take the bus, and I usually lean in the car ever since a car chopped off the side mirror of my mom's car. I was on the wrong side of the car. Nothing happened but I ended up taking a good dose of prazepam and yelling uncontrollably for the next hour. I have trouble sitting straight in the car. It's like I prepare myself for an impact.

I really need to be able to take the bus because my dad drives me back and forth to college. It's a long drive, and he's tired of having to do it. Even if I only attend half the classes since I have a "disabled" status which allows me to study part-time, it's still a lot for him. I would really like to get better. I'm so scared of buses it's ridiculous. I can take one if it's almost empty and quiet, but that's it. Sometimes I really feel stupid. :(

Exams drive me bat-crazy. I'm studying to become a teacher, and I really want to become a teacher. I got the chance to teach a class for an hour, and I loved it. I was able to do things like singing that I wouldn't do in a million years.
I never sing or dance. It's too humiliating for me.

I see a psychologist, but I've been avoiding her ever since she told me to make a STOP sign to help me stop worrying. I thought the idea was completely ridiculous.

I tried hypnosis. That's a mistake I won't make again. Ended up with tingling feet for 3 days because of an induction gone wrong, then with "stuck" eyes for 3 days because of another induction.
Hypnosis helped at the beginning but yeah, I'm way too sensitive.

I used to be a yeller. When I panic a lot, I still yell, really loudly. It's very inconvenient for the people who are around me as I have a loud voice for a girl, but yelling is the only solution I've found.
I used to self-harm & I tried to kill myself. If I panic, I sometimes hit myself, but it's almost never happened since I started my antidepressant.
I can say that my antidepressant has been a lifesaver because I may be dead by now if I hadn't started taking it.

I can't sleep when I stress out. I stay up till 5 am sometimes. It's already 1:30 am here. I tried night lights and a bunch of other stuff to no avail.

QUESTIONS:
-What can I do to fight my phobia of buses?
I tried taking one several times, protecting my ears when the bus gets loud, taking deep breaths, studying on the bus, but nothing seems to work.

-How can I sleep better? I don't drink coffee or alcohol, so what am I doing wrong?

-How can I enjoy my hobbies more? I like drawing, playing lego and learning languages, and I also love watching TV. I work out a bit every day, unless I'm really depressed. Lately, I've skipped a few workouts. I'd like to enjoy what I do more.

-How can I fight my "phantom" illnesses? Right now, my neck & my mouth (gums/tongue) hurt. I always have some kind of physical problem. I'm sick of tired of this, I'd like to feel good for once.

-How can I control my panic attacks and avoid them?
They've gotten better (I couldn't go to the store or go to the doctor before, and if I did, I was always accompanied, and super tense)

-How can I start studying more without panicking?

[StarryNight]

Wow, thanks a lot for your reply. I never thought that insomnia or sleep problems would be caused by something that my body releases. It kind of makes sense, because I pay a lot of attention to what I eat and drink.
Everybody tells me I should stop beating myself up. Obviously it's true, I'm just a bit slow on the uptake I guess!
I'm afraid of buses because of accidents, sex offenders, muggers, etc. I look young for my age, which doesn't help. I feel like I'm the perfect target. A pickpocket stole my Christmas presents on a bus once, but that's pretty much the only traumatic experience I went through while riding a bus.

I read panic's post, but I didn't think of talking about it with a doctor, so I'll do that. Thanks :)
I can't pay the membership for the website you suggested, but I don't want you to spend your own hard-earned money for me. I should probably start by listening to my therapist more, even if I don't always agree with her.

I react to studying like it's one of my phobias. I managed to get rid of most of my more severe phobias thanks to therapy, but this one is here to stay, at least until I'm a teacher.
I should try to get some sleep. It's the same thing every night, but hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep in an hour if I go to bed now. It's almost 3 am anyway, so I should be preparing for bed.

[alankay]

Starry, something stuck with me about your post. It was "it reminded me of the operations I underwent". You're having so much anxiety. The very thing I ask myself when hearing a story is "is there something in the past of this person that is causing this amount of anxiety"? Since that was early in your post I wonder exactly what you went through and if you started to have much in the way of anxiety after these operations or do you think there might have been some anxiety before that?
To not ask that might be to skip over something very important. Alankay

[StarryNight]

I was operated on when I was a day old, and a few more times after that. I couldn't walk for the first 8 months of my life, I was all bandaged up because my bowels didn't function like they should and I had some kind of plastic pouch in my stomach for the first year of my life.
I have no memories of this time but I sometimes have "operating rooms" flashbacks.
Until recently, it was almost impossible for any medical practitioner to touch me or examine me. If they did, I'd cry, panic, and usually faint. I managed to get rid of the fainting problem a few years ago, but I still panic sometimes. If someone wants to do a blood test, I'm okay with it now, but I used to make my blood coagulate.
The only "fond" memory I have of all of this is the unfortunate night on which I ended up in the ER and got accused of doing drugs.
My mom got the dirtiest looks from the doctors and I think the nurse put something in my pain meds (like prazepam) so that I'd stop "tripping" (eg having the worst panic attack ever).
I was remarkably calm after the paracetamol. I usually have panic attacks when I run a temperature so it could have helped, but I'm pretty sure they gave me something strong so that I would shut up.
I kept yelling "don't put meds in my paracetamol" which probably didn't help my case.
In hindsight, I find this "episode" hilarious. The ER staff blew the whole thing out of proportion.

I had chronic low blood pressure at some point, probably because of stress. I also vomited each time I went to high school because I was badly bullied, but now that I've been in college for a few years, I'm okay.
I tried EMDR with my therapist to work on these issues but ended up hitting myself during the session so she stopped. I react weirdly to some kind of treatments and I'm ALWAYS afraid when someone tries to cure me of an illness. That's probably why my experience with hypnosis went badly.

[alankay]

Has your psychologist gone over all this with you? I know you were very young but that has to be very hard on you. The flashbacks really say something, I think anyway. If they take you back to the OR, well that says something to me at least.
How long have you been on escitalopram, 20mg? That should be helping. Is it?

[StarryNight]

We mostly talk about my phobias because that's my main problem right now. I need to take exams soon & I should also be able to take the bus. The escitalopram is helping quite a bit. I don't know how many mgs there are in four drops, though. My worst phobias are still there, and I don't know if I can do something about my phobia of hospitals/ doctors/ procedures.

[alankay]

Starry, well speak with your druggist to get the correct dosage down. Very important. I don't think 4 drops is right. The best way is using a measured spoon or other device(like a dosing syringe). This is very important. The medication should have come with a guide. I believe it's 1 mg per ML but again, read the guide or call/speak with the druggist to get the right dose. I take escitalopram and started at 10 mg for a week then 15 mg for a few to 20 mg just to help minimize side effects and give my system time to get used to the new med. No doubt it's the best ssri I've been on(been on fluoxetine, zoloft, celexa and now lexapro). Little if any side effects. Can you switch to tablets? Vital to get that dosing down right.

Now I would bring the past experiences up with the therapist. Just so he's/she's aware of your traumatic experience and that, even though it was when you were very young, you have flash backs, etc. Kind of verifies that it's effecting you, to some degree anyway. At least go over it as talking about them might help you reduce some of your anxiety about medical visits. Just talking about the phobias(the symptoms) doesn't deal with what might be a causal or contributory factor(the traumatic memories of operations). Now I'm not saying that it will fix everything, it just that should be brought out. You should be allowed to say "this might be important, when I was very small this happened and I get flashbacks, etc, etc, etc so wonder if getting this off my chest might help me". That kind of approach.
Do you have anxiety about dental visits as well? Just wondering.

My opinion on the phobias. Two words Gradual Desensitization using the following aids(I did it this way). 1. Progressive relaxation exercises to teach your body to relax(it's gotten veryyy good at being way too tense... unfortunately which is part of the anxiety response). 2. Deep breathing exercises to aid is calming you down. These are important since anxious breathing pattern fosters more anxiety. 3. Use of centrax(prazepam) JUST in the beginning for the bus rides. I used prazepam years ago and it a fine long acting med. Now I use diazepam only when needed. Actually if you skip the med by practicing relaxation and deep breathing to combat anxiety on the bus, that's best. But if you cannot, I'd take some of the med and then taper down to lower and lower doses as you ride the bus more frequently(you're desensitizing your self via controlled exposure) then stop the med. That's how I take plane trips now but on a much lower dose then the beginning. I know some will freak at the use of a benzodiazepine but you've already had it prescribed and seem to using it sparingly as you should. Remember, this is just to used to facilitate you getting on and riding the bus for school to start. After some time you'll realize you can do this with the aids(#'s 1 and 2). Practice the 2 several time a day to learn them. They can be learned(you body will respond better with practice) and trust me, anxiety has a hard time living well in a relaxed body. This basic process can be used for med visits, etc, as well but again, start with the bus ride as you mentioned it as an issue that needs to be dealt with soon anyway.

I will drop in links on #'s 1and 2. These take practice for you and your body/system to learn but are worth it.

http://www.umm.edu/sleep/relax_tech.htm

http://www.umm.edu/sleep/relax_tech.htm#c

http://helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm


So much is to be gained by learning about anxiety and learning to calm yourself down and it does take some time and practice. Message me any time. Alankay.

[StarryNight]

Thanks a lot for your help Alankay. I really appreciate it! I'm only taking four drops because my psychiatrist told me that I'm hypersensitive to antidepressants. I was supposed to take 5 mg, which is a tablet, but I'm not allowed to up my dosage after what happened. I was high for a week on two drops (!) of escitalopram to the point that it disturbed my teachers in class. I felt wonderful and was giggling all the time, but I couldn't stay in this state because of an antidepressant. I'm not depressed, and the for drops do a fine job with stopping my self-harm (which was only sporadic) and preventing me from trying to commit suicide again. These were the main problems I had that absolutely had to be taken care of.

I went out today and thought about what you told me in the previous messages, and it helped me a lot. My phobias are much less annoying than they used to be. It's not perfect, but I can go out and feel much freer than before. I used to stay cooped up at home because going out would trigger panic attacks. I bought a device to help me with my breathing a few months ago. It's ridiculously expensive ($250) but my therapist recommended it to me, and I had used it with her before. It helps me stop panic attacks. Sometimes, I still lose it completely, but the device has helped me wean myself off benzos.

I think I have to give hypnosis/ relaxation another try. Like you said, anxiety doesn't like a relaxed body. I also have to talk to my therapist about my operations. I hate going to the dentist, and I've only been there twice in two decades. Well, I went to the dentist a lot when I got all my wisdom teeth pulled out. That kind of took care of my fear of dental work. Don't worry though, my doctor looked at my teeth two days ago and told me that they are beautiful. :) I have no cavities, and I'm extremely careful.

I struggle with learning relaxation though. I tend to stress myself out so that it "works" better. Dumb idea...

[alankay]

Starry, yeah working on it too much can be a reminder of sorts which can bump up your anxiety sometimes.
Anyway although they are called antidepressants they do have significant anti-anxiety properties so work with your doc. on using them as you have been.
Also get your docs OK on using prazepam as I mentioned/suggested. He'll let you know if that's an idea that might be tried in your specific case. Alankay

[alankay]

Starry, another thing to try to desensitize yourself is take really short bus rides at first. I know if riding a bus is an issue now you'll have anticipatory anxiety beforehand but if you get some practice calming your self, try a very short local ride. Just down the street a stop or 2 and get off and walk a little way to the next stop coming back toward home and try that short run back as practice. You'll notice when you get anxious your head, jaw and neck muscles get very tense and that's part of the anxiety reaction. Try and keep those relaxed and it can kind of "short circuits" the whole anxiety reaction. That's really part of the relaxation response but those those muscles are thought to be the first and last to relax when anxiety strikes. Keep them loose and I've found it helpful. Alankay.

[StarryNight]

Wow, thank you so much Alankay. You can't imagine how much you're helping me! I've ridden local buses before, but I mostly struggle with longer rides & the fact that I'll be alone. My dad said that he'd be okay with accompanying me as long as I end up riding the bus alone in the near future. My neck is usually tense, and I also get headaches sometimes. I've gotten used to being all tensed up around the time of my midterms. Being like that doesn't help though, especially when I want to study. I really hope I'll get better because I know my father would be extra happy if I could ride the bus, because it would take a big load off him. Thankfully, I get good grades, so I'm 99% positive I'll pass my exams and start my Master's next year. :)
I really need to do something about my stress levels though, because I felt like throwing up yesterday, and I almost passed out. I feel okay for the whole day and then I start freaking out around 6 PM, and it goes downhill from there. Is there an exercise that has a not-so-steep learning curve and that I could use to relax? I thought about trying hypnosis again (a friend of mine is a hypnotist & he sent me mp3s) but I don't know if it will be effective.


My goal for the day is to go to bed earlier. Tomorrow, I'll try to start studying for my linguistics & theoretical phonetics exams. I downloaded my favorite RPG game to get myself motivated. I usually don't play during the school year, but since I'm on vacation, I'll make an exception. Hitting monsters and vending always cheers me up for some reason. Moreover, I'm not one of these people who gets addicted to MMORPGs. I can play for hours a day and then stop cold turkey. Even my mom thinks I should play a bit during the school year so that I can relax.

[alankay]

Starry, another thing. I think it's agreed most of the work and coping must come from within. True, but another thing you can do to help you travel is to make a list of any help/resources that might be on/along the way. Any relatives/close friends/hospitals along the route(Hosp if an emergency I mean)? Is there a health center at the college you can introduce your self and just ask about resources? Just say, "I was wondering if the clinic has any counselors as I'm having abit or high stress/anxiety and might need to talk with someone just while on campus if I have a nasty day", etc. They've heard it or very similar before. What I'm trying to say is that when it's that important for you to get through this/a tough part to finish school(or any important goal) you might want to develop some help resources(I did, used to carry my docs card & tel #'s, etc)) so you know if you need some one to help, you can reach out to them. When I travel in Europe I sometimes look up a GP or 2 and perhaps the Hosp. nearby where I'm staying just in case(like if my meds are stolen/lost). I've never had to or even close but it helps to know there is some help if needed. A tad extra peace of mind. Anxious folk often develop such resources. It's a healthy coping method if you ask me. Any thing that helps, is safe and not taking from anyone to support the worthy/healthy goal of you being a happier, productive member of society is therapeutic. Now if a method is no safe, doesn't help or takes from others, it is not. Think about is it. This forum is therapeutic for us I think and it's just folks talking and helping each other, etc. Alankay.

[StarryNight]

Thanks a lot for your answers. I didn't check the forum for a couple of days because I was busy with school. I have a few questions, but first I'll explain what happened during these last few days.

I haven't finished taking my exams yet, and I don't feel good at all. I played my favorite MMORPG for two days tops then quit because I never allow myself to have fun during the school year. Interestingly (but not surprisingly) having fun helped me study, so I wonder what I'll do to calm myself down now that I'm almost done watching the DVDs I burned. My mom encouraged me not to quit playing, but I didn't listen to her because I'm stubborn. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that benzos are WAY unhealthier than a three-hour MMORPG study break, but I don't like to "waste" my time. Not that googling stupid stuff or watching TV is a good use of my time, but at least, I'm not playing a game.

When I came home after my exams, I had to lie down on the floor because I felt horrible. Even when I was lying down, I still felt like I was about to fall on the ground which is kind of stupid since I was in a safe place.
I've fallen down and hit my head on several occasions which is why I take precautions now. Anyway, I forgot to register to take my exams which means that I don't even know if my grades will count toward my degree. Oh, and I had two translation exams and forgot to translate the title of the texts. That REALLY sucks because I did a good job overall and always get B+/A in translation. Just not my day I guess. :/

I lied in bed for the next two hours, screaming and convulsing uncontrollably. My mom & dad did everything they could to calm me down, and it did work eventually. I didn't take benzos but I'm on "homeopathic" meds right now.
I called my psychologist who pretty much told me to tough it out, which didn't help but yeah. She was busy so I can understand her reaction and she wasn't mean per say. I'd just have liked her to be a bit more comforting...
The only good thing about all of this is that I managed to study. A LOT. Being able to crack open a book and read for an hour or two a day was something I'd never have done a few months ago. As I said, so far I've managed to cope without really studying since I'm in love with the foreign language I major in. Just using the foreign language used to be enough for me to pass my exams.

Okay, question time.

1° What should I do to enjoy my hobbies more? The minute I panic, I quit everything I love to do like Wii Fit, watching TV shows, playing MMORPGs, drawing, etc.
Playing video games again made me extremely happy, yet I quit after two days. I think it's because I need to be unhappy to some degree, or rather because I don't allow myself to be happy. Same for drawing. :(

2° How the heck can I deal with panic attacks that put me in bed for two hours, make my pulse go up to 80-100 and my blood pressure go way down?
I don't want to take benzos anymore.

3° Do you have advice when it comes to studying? I really need to study more if I want to pass my next exam. I need a good grade!

I think that's it. I still struggle with going to bed and sleeping, but I've pretty much given up on getting a full night's sleep for the next week anyway.
My sleep patterns will most likely return to normal once my exams are over. I just hope I don't keel over from exhaustion during an oral exam. :/

[StarryNight]

Hm. I feel like I'm at an all-time low. :(
Exams are really taking a toll on my mood and my health. I had a big argument with some people on the game server I played on and ended up being kind of a jerk to nice people, which is really not like me. I know my teacher is going to slam me down when I take his oral exam on Tuesday. He always does. As I said, I'm a language major, well my teacher hates my accent, use of the language, and pretty much anything about what I've worked on for the last 7+ years.
All of my other teachers think that I do a great job in phonetics, especially the spoken part of the exam. I really don't know why I have to endure taking an exam that's given by a narrow-minded fascist who should already have retired. This teacher was downright impolite several times. He did stop, but I guess that's because he got bored. Well, he still voices out his feelings much too easily. There's no need to tell someone who has a genetic predisposition to having a lousy handwriting that their handwriting is lousy.
Gifted people, especially troubled gifted people, often have handwriting & coordination issues that don't go away on their own.
I got over 150 on the verbal IQ part of the test, BUT I only got around 90 for the spatial test. I know I have problems. I don't need teachers to make fun of issues I have because I was born with them.

It is a well-known fact that "gifted" people run into problems when their score isn't balanced. A 60-point difference between two scores usually means that the "gifted" teen/adult will experience anxiety and a lot of social awkwardness.
Only when I'm cured will I be able to take advantage of the power of my memory and the "gifts" I presumably have.
It is twice as hard to live as a GAD sufferer when you know that if you got better you'd stop forgetting stuff and you'd be able to work more efficiently- like TEN times more efficiently.

I worked really hard this week, and yet I have to take MORE exams. I don't even think that's fair. I need a break. I don't want to end up on benzos again. I can scream, shout, kick, cry, w/e, I won't be able to ward off a major panic attack for much longer. The last one I had turned into a short depression, and I don't want to experience that again.

[alankay]

Starry, sorry I missed your recent posts and an very sorry to hear about the 2 hours in that state, etc. You must have a high tolerance for anxiety as I would have not just toughed it out but these are decisions personal to each patient. There isn't always a right thing to do for all patients.
Are you still on escitalopram liquid? It should help reduce the frequency, length and severity of panic attacks/anxiety attacks.
I do understand your psychologists thinking but at some point you need to be doing what's right for you. So, are you OK toughing out?? That's the question as well as how it's effecting you and your life. If you can hang on, most patients will see their anxiety diminish but it will take time. Your system(neurotransmitters) will rebalance so to speak as I understand it. The amount of norepinephrine(adrenaline) will decrease and GABA(calming/inhibitory neutransmitter) will increase but the patient should be OK with that and often that takes encouragement........and courage. I was not able to do it. Some can. It's your choice.
If this will not threaten your academic progress I would keep at it if you can manage. Don't do it for others though, do it for you. If there's a time you don't want to do it this way speak up. There's a time when someone is having such distress nothing good can come of it and you are the one to make that call.
Question: Does the benzo have a side effect you hate? Or is it the principle of it all? If it makes you sleepy it's too high a dose.
What your lexapro? Got the dose right? I had to drop my dose to 10mg as it was making me more anxious at 20mg(OK at 10mg though). Maybe you should be on a different SSRI as you mentioned you're sensitive to them. Have you been on any others? Escitolpram is a very potent SSRI and another might be better for you. Alankay.

[StarryNight]

I usually tough it out because I hate meds. I'm still on escitalopram, and I'm convinced it helps me. It's just that exams really get to me, and I've been a bit of a b*tch to other people lately-- I think I'm bitter. I lashed out at several people who just wanted to help me, and I regret doing that. I'm extremely jealous of anyone who doesn't have GAD right now, and I don't want to stop taking escitalopram, but I would like to get rid of benzos forever. The first time I took benzos I wasn't able to get out of bed because it had knocked me out, but I was fine the next day. I'm just afraid that it'll affect my memory even more. I don't know if it has, since I often forget stuff when I'm stressed out, but I don't want it to do more harm than good.
Not taking escitalopram would ruin the rest of my school year. I haven't been on another SSRI. I just resent the whole world right now, but it'll probably pass. I'm jealous of people who get a break, can enjoy the holiday, and aren't targeted by the phonetics teacher for no reason. I'm pretty sure a few good nights of sleep (a thing that I haven't had in weeks) and another week off after the exam can solve most of my problems, *if I make an effort.*

[alankay]

Starry, if the benzo made you that sleepy the dose was too high. You take prazepam right? What 10-20 mg? Docs can't always dose just right due to individual variation but the dose was high(IMHO). I used to take centrax(prazepam) years ago. Nice long acting med. Next time take a little less but make no drastic changes:)
Starry you are likely just irritable. That comes(yet another symptom) with anxiety when one is anxious for a while. Also from poor REM sleep. Keep on the lexapro for sure.
Don't let the burned out teacher bother you. He has no idea how you're feeling. It will alllll be history when you're done.
You just have to get through. Remember, the benzo should be a temp. med anyway until you and you docs get better control of your anxiety.
I sure do respect you being able to tough allot of it out. I think you must be pretty brave. PM me any time. Alankay.