libertine
12-27-2011, 05:32 AM
I dont really know where to start, have too much to say as usual. I started getting anxiety attacks about 2 months ago maybe. I was hanging out with my friends and a bunch of them were smoking spice (synthetic weed) which I had smoked a bunch before, 2 of them really freaked out. One of my friends girlfriends claimed she couldnt see after she smoked it and was really afraid, he took her up stairs and she calmed down after about 30 minutes or so. My other friend just laughed for about 20 or 30 mins but it wasnt a happy laugh It seemed like he was terrified but laughing at his terror. Having smoked it before I thought it couldnt be as bad as they made it out to be, I had been drinking a little that night (2-3 glasses of wine, 3-4 shots) and got in on the next round. I was fine for the first minute or so but then everything started spinning out of control, my heart was racing I first thought I was going to have a heart attack and told my friend I had to go to the hospital. Things really started to slow down, I needed water but couldnt get up so I asked my friend to get me some. He walked away and it seemed like an hour before he got back, and when I watched him get back to me it wasnt like I was seeing him come back (like life is usually like watching a movie or being in one but instead now I was only seeing a few frames). My other friend told me it was just going to get faster and I thought he was like in my head or controlling the speed of the spinning I was seeing. I ended up throwing the glass of water at my other friend and they all left me in our basement alone. There was music on from the TV that was just repeating itself. I thought that I had died and my soul was waiting for another body, I could swear I had been through this before (before I was alive). I ended up throwing up on my feet, breaking my glasses, and at one point I tried (in no way actually hurting myself) cutting myself with a bottle cap. after maybe 15 mins my one friend gave me a bag to throw up in, I ended up throwing that bag of vomit at the wall, a little later he came back out and turned the music off and I started to realize reality again. I was so terrified that I was repeating things or repeating my life for the next 30-60 mins. I ended up taking a shower and cleaning up my house and passing out from exhaustion. I decided never to smoke spice again and at that point the only thing that would happen that would cause anxiety was if I would get deja vu I would freak out for a few seconds and think I was reliving things. On dec 5th I had my last final for the semester (jr in college) and I was going to a holiday party that night. I did poorly on my finals and when I got home my friend was in our basement (where previous experience happened) and asked if I wanted to smoke some weed, well told me to basically, I wanted to but I was going to be drinking a ton that night to celebrate finals but I hadnt eaten that much since I had been in finals most of the day so I smoked so I could eat a ton. Again I was in my basement and some repetitive music came on. I got really scared and asked him to go outside with me, I started thinking everything that was happening had already happened to me. Long story short I ended up walking around outside barefoot through my neighborhood (I live in chicago, its pretty cold aha), then going out again for a walk, with shoes on this time, but I kept thinking I had done everything before. I was terrified for about 2 hours, not nearly as bad as the previous time but still the second worse Ive had, this time I was scared at the party and didnt drink, I was on edge for the next 2 days as I recovered from that previous day this time I decided to stop smoking weed. Then last Wednesday when I went to my uncles for a holiday party I was drinking a little and had another anxiety attack, not as bad as the previous 2 but I was much more sober this time which really scared me as before I thought it was just a drug thing. Friday I went to the Shedd Aquarium with my mom and sister and had a ton of anxiety, maybe not an anxiety attack but maybe, and since then I've been having like mini attacks but my average anxiety is much much higher than its ever been. I keep thinking that the things that I am doing I have done before, or I am reliving my life and am not in control of my actions. Even writing this I feel like I have done before or reading other posts here, I didnt feel that way at the start but I knew by the end I would. Its so hard for me to go to sleep the past few days, Ive always had trouble sleeping but Im so scared now everytime I go to sleep that I am going to wake up back in my first anxiety attack, or around that time and experience all of this over again, because that would explain why I feel like ive done all these things before. In my moments of clearity I know that this is so illogical and what not but im still so afraid of it. I know a lot of people fear they are going to die when they have anxiety attacks but im not really afraid of dying (not that I want to any time soon) but I feel like dying is just as important to life as living is, ill skip my philosophy on that though ive already dragged on enough. But ya I basically keep trying to predict future anxiety attacks in order to not be as scared of them, but I know that just makes them worse and happen more often if anything. Im going to see someone about all of this in a week but its hard waiting as time feels like It has slowed down so much. I think I have always had a lot of anxiety, and I used to have a lot of depression (dad was emotionally abusive to me and my mom and sister, somtimes physical with me, I've had a few really terrible girlfriends that have fucked me up etc) and I used drugs to cope with all of that (coke, weed, spice, alcohol, cigarettes, snorted aderall, snorted xanex once, acid once) and ive given all of that up now and I think im going through alcohol withdrawal if I didnt say this already I pretty much drank every day for the past four years (2 bottles of wine a night, a fifth a night, a handle a weekend) and after last Wednesday I just stopped drinking all together and really really really hope to keep it that way. I dunno have a bunch of other stuff stressing me out but ive written a ton, sorry for such a long post any responses would help a ton :)