is my gf causing my anxiety?

[richy1991]

Hey all, hope everyone is okay and having a good Christmas/new years

okay i will try and keep this as simple as possible
i will start off with how my anxiety started

it was a year ago, my girlfriend had stayed over for almost a whole week of the festive period, on the night i was to take her home, anxiety hit me hard, i just wanted to freak out more and more as the time to her going home got closer, after i had got back home from taking her i broke down and had a panic/anxiety attack

to this day i still dont know why it happened, but one thing that alot of people have said is maybe im spending too much time with my girl friend

i will explain my life before i got with my girlfriend and after to give you guys a better understanding

before i got with my girlfriend i was very out going, i danced alot and stayed out most night skateboarding, i was a very happy guy, no worries and i was a very independant guy

i then met my girlfriend and we got together, as time went on i started seeing her on more days of the week, but i still managed to dance and skate, time went on and i started seein her every day, by this time my dancing and skating started to reduce to a point i stopped skating and she would come to my dance practices with me. i lost more and more friends as time went by, i deleted my facebook account etc. then my anxiety hit me. this made me quit dance cause my anxiety was so bad.

to this day, i have seen my girl friend everyday for the last year, i have no sporting activities and just played video games when im not with her, i have one friend which i dont get to see, just play games online with him

i must say though, i never think oh i dont want to see her or i wish i wasn't seeing her today etc.

could she be causing my anxiety?
have i created a dependency problem with her?
what do you guys think?

cheers
richy

[jessed03]

f you face this head on and change that path way then you brain will learn to use that path way and it will become the new reaction .

This was the only liberating fact I found with anxiety. I lost so much of myself to it, but when I realised I actually had an oppurtunity here to create new neuro pathways in my brain, and healthier default settings, I started to feel slightly more inspired. A wise man said we are what we repeatedly do. I begun to see anxiety attacks as mini tests. Not something to be beaten, but as a chance for me to analyse the way my body was responding to everything, and I was left with a choice, analyse the problem, find a healthier way to reframe it (like cbt), or, to realise I couldn't and to accept it (meditation). It felt like a test, because my body was quizzing me. It felt like it was asking me "Ok, here is a real situation, this isn't theory, are you SURE about this new action", and I'd have to reply yes to it, and re-affirm my new action. After a certain period of time, just like everything, it becomes your normal setting. You come to realise one day that this calm, independent behaviour has become normal for you.


have i created a dependency problem with her?
Yes but the main part in there is the "I ". , you did it and only you can fix it . She is your blanket and when she leaves your anxiety starts but the thing is it could have been anything or anyone . It is simply something that you have come to rely on as feeling safe and something that you are having a hard time moving away from because it makes you feel uncomfortable . Work on the reaction to the symptoms and not the event and you know then that no matter where you may get symptoms as you recover they will not worry you and you will recover

You have created dependency, but, as mentioned it could have been to anything that made you feel good (or even slightly better). I knew a young lady that got dependant on a tv series, she'd feel good throughout it, then once it ended, the panic attacks/anxiety started.

I've nothing really to add, except my experience to advice offered by Forwells. At first you won't see any change, it may last a while, even feel weird, but if you keep it up, you will have reprogrammed your mind. It has to be done regularly. People overcome addictions and dependency everyday. Your mind is a ball of clay. You can change so much of it to help you live in the way you want. Just give it the time and effort.

All the best!

[richy1991]

thank you for your reply kev, i have red it carefully and took in all you have said

but there are somethings i would like to question

i have spent the last year since my anxiety started just not trying to do anything except just ride everything out and yet i am still suffering
i have seen my girl friend everyday for the last year and iv had to take her home 5 days out of 7, some of them nights i would have no problems with yet other i would have, surely after taking her home that many times i would be use to it by now, like as someone who has a fear of dogs, if they interacted with one everyday for a year then surely they would be fine?

also my anxiety has increased alot since a couple of days before Christmas, a couple of days before i was fine and was not worrying about anything, when my legs started to ache really bad and i started to have stomach pains, then Christmas day came and my anxiety hit the roof
as i said i was not worrying about anything yet it happened, i just dont understand, its as if im worrying about something in my subconscious
plus my girlfriend was staying that night so it couldnt have even been that?

where should i go/what should i do from here?

cheers
richy

p.s how is your medication going?

[alankay]

Richy, I doubt if she's the cause per se but now that you've moved into this relationship you now are seeing life through more of a "we" prism as opposed to a "me" prism like bachelors do(ahhhhh yes, I remember it well:)) anyway in addition to possible separation anxiety(very possible) it could be that now stakes seem higher emotionally for you as your lives have now become closer and more interwoven so to speak. Could be you simply didn't notice you've moved to a new style of life and are just now realizing it perhaps subconsciously as well(a little scary). Now realizing this you need to adjust, etc. There may be an element of added vulnerability as well but I think it could be plain old separation anxiety. It just never manifested itself before. I was unattached well into my 30's and always had, as many men do, a fear of commitment. That might also be coming into play. Can't say for sure but I'd stay with it all and see if you calm down. Just my take. Alan.

[richy1991]

i think it is worth mentioning for people that didnt know that i did suffer from anxiety through my childhood
i would have all the same symptoms and panics as i have been through this last year

i suffered from as young as i can remember at the age of 5/6
i would always be anxious at night because i was afraid of death and i would be anxious in the morning before school cus for some reason i didnt want to leave my mom but soon as some of the day passed i would have been fine

iv been told that anxiety is mainly down to stress but honestly i cant see what stress i would have had at the age of 5/6

thanks for the other comments jessed and alankay, i hope this post will give you guys a better understanding as im sure forwells already knows this

cheers Richy

[PanicCured]

It's never good to completely lose yourself in a relationship and get too dependent on the partner for your happiness. You can't lose your sense of self. I really liked the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, explaining how men and women speak different languages but use the same words.

[SearchingforAnswers]

This is interesting to read, richey1991.
A while back, in January 2010 actually, I started to look through the "we" prism as suggested by alankay, more than the "me" prism. My anxiety spiked because of all the skeletons in my closet that I felt I needed to discuss with the girlfriend. A sense of permanence was creeping in and rather than move forward with a ton of secrets, I decided to confess them. Some were related to infidelity with her. Some were related to embarrassing and awful things from my past. Either way, my anxiety hit the roof. Perhaps alankay has a point with the "we" versus "me". Do you think this could be a possibility?

[richy1991]

thanks for the advice guys

a big weight has been lifted off both mine and my gf's shoulders know we know she isnt the cause

when you say CBT will help, in what way do you mean, book wise or therapy?
iv had both in the past but i dont think they worked well for me, maybe thats cus i didnt give it much of a chance, i dont know

where else could i go from here?
iv started meditation but im not sure if im doing it right
iv change my lifestyle as in diet and sleep etc
any other suggestions?

cheers
richy

[SearchingforAnswers]

CBT is a way of conditioning your brain to produce different responses to external stimuli. Google it and maybe read a book or two about it. It's a widely used approach to treating mental disorders of the OCD and anxiety type. Just do what works for you.

I would take some time to focus on how to relieve the pressure you are feeling. Often, anxiety gets out of hand because we put additional pressure on ourselves. Time, in our minds, gets shorter and we forget that we can be patient about things. I would read up on everything you can about your condition. It also helps me to remind myself that the fears that anxiety puts in our lives often shouldn't be conceived as real. We just see the worst-case scenario. And when you combine the fact that anxiety also produces depression as a side-effect, the worst-case scenario is often the only scenario we see. Talk about a viscious cycle...

Meditation takes practice, I know that. I don't meditate but I do exercise. I'm actually on day 24 of the Insanity workout program. The intense program helps immensely as a stress-reliever.

I, myself, am actually working on improving my sleep habits. I bought some chamomile tea and plan on reading nightly before bed. I'm finding that the simplicities in life are the best...

[richy1991]

cheers guys

i bought some chamomile tea as well the other week, i cant see how it relax's because i hate the taste

yeah i didnt like my therapist so doing it myself does sound better, i think ill invest in a book then, any suggestions?

another thing, i think my problem is what i do when im feeling anxious, i sort of sont know what to do,
the main two things i do are
- go for a walk, but alot of the time its not relaxing because me and my gf always seem to have heated debates
- distract my self with puzzles and games which work well but then i find somedays im needing to distract myself all day

is there anything else i could try?

richy

[jessed03]

cheers guys

i bought some chamomile tea as well the other week, i cant see how it relax's because i hate the taste

yeah i didnt like my therapist so doing it myself does sound better, i think ill invest in a book then, any suggestions?

another thing, i think my problem is what i do when im feeling anxious, i sort of sont know what to do,
the main two things i do are
- go for a walk, but alot of the time its not relaxing because me and my gf always seem to have heated debates
- distract my self with puzzles and games which work well but then i find somedays im needing to distract myself all day

is there anything else i could try?

richy

Haha yeah, it's an unusual taste. Maybe some mint tea would be more preferable?

As for me, I think eventually I had to face that feeling. You know when you feel anxious, and things seem a little weird. I don't think distraction can be a long term cure as it still gives power to the anxiety feeling. I found that when I felt anxiety brimming, I would sit there and watch it. Watch how certain things changed. If you find watching it makes it worse, observe which part gets worse when you watch it. Does your breathing quicken, do your thoughts race. If something does change, you can see an area that is sensitive. You may notice your body believing your thoughts, believing there is danger. Don't get involved. Or fight it. But, most probably, nothing will happen when watching it, it will simply spike, and then realize no fuel is being added to the fire. It will feel weird, but I think my anxiety only truly went when I wasn't afraid of anxiety. This can take as long as your mind needs. Eventually you realize you can't live around it, you have to go through it.

I know you mentioned meditation before, and this is a meditation exercise very relevant to anxiety. You're at an advanced stage, but there are still ways you are giving it power.

My best friend would say, the way out of a trap isn't to resist or fight it, as it makes the trap and injury worse. It's to become truly aware of the trap, and it's mechanics, only then you can you find the way out.

The more aware you become of anxiety, and the less judgemental you become about it, the clearer you see things. You notice things you didn't notice before, the ways we feed it without knowing, the ways we make our suffering worse. Once you see it clearly, you're able to stop doing those unhealthy things. CBT forces it, it's very good, and very useful, but when coupled with mindfulness it can produce astonishing changes. We implement CBT, and it works, but we don't always understand why it works, and so it takes time. When we're mindful, and aware, we see exactly why it's working, and the changes we implement ourselves, and through cbt methods can occur so much faster, and naturally.

This is advanced anxiety cure though. If you aren't there, don't force it, it's all about lasting change. If you need to implement some cbt, or calm your nerves, do that first, then practice becoming more mindful. We're all beginners when we start, becoming mindful with a million different symptoms will get confusing. Strip away as many as you can through cbt and healthy living, then, when you feel far more in control, you can really work on watching it to understand it's operating. It's a personal journey.

I think all people who have fully overcome anxiety have done this, whether they knew it or not. They've become very aware of not just their triggers, but far deeper than that; what their triggers are actually triggering.

Anxiety is a mad paradox, right? To fight it and accept it at the same time. It takes a lot of getting used to :) I won't lie, this takes a lot of time. Education in anything takes time though. I think I've been doing this for around 9 months, and I really now see changes which are permanent, I'll still be doing it for a long time though, as my life got REALLY messed up. I meet people that I hadn't met since my nervous breakdown, people can't believe the difference in the two people. I feel like I shed a skin. Make no mistake though, this is one of the most challenging things you will ever do in your life. Not through difficulty, but that there is no blueprint into the life mind body and soul of Richy1991. I'd say 98% of people live and die without never knowing about themselves.

[PanicCured]

My god I love chamomile. I want to take a bath in it!

Add honey, preferably organic raw honey. Adding honey will change it's taste.

[richy1991]

okay so for that last couple of days i have been observing what happens when i feel my anxiety coming on like you said jessed03
but im struggling to understand it because i have no physical symptoms when im starting to feel anxious, my heart donst race, i dont get hot, no shakes etc
so when im feeling anxious, i close my eyes to observe it but as soon as i close my eyes, i dont feel anything as if theres nothing there to observe :S

i think what may help is if i tell when i feel anxious and what symptoms i go get.
as for physical symptoms i only really get three, which i dismiss as much as possible, they are:
-bad stomach pains (i just put this down to maybe iv ate something dodgy or maybe iv got a bug or something)
-aching leg muscles (i just put this down to maybe iv done a bit too much walking or something lately)
-blurred vision (i just put this down to maybe iv been spending too much time with electronics)

emotional symptoms are as followed:
-i often wake up feeling really sad and just wanna cry
-i often feel guilt if im not spending enough time with my gf (even though i see her everyday)
-i often feel anxious when my gf has to go home

as i said when i close my eyes to observe with these emotional symptoms my mind just goes blank (except with the anxious feeling when my gf has to go home as i havnt had chance to try it with this)

so yeah im sort of stuck

cheers
richy

P.S i will pick some honey up next time im out shopping and ill give it a try

[jessed03]

Ok, I see. You have a lot less anxiety than I stated with when I begun to be mindful. Maybe you can just ignore the physical symptoms, and just focus on the mental. I guess just being more aware of what happens in your mind. When you feel those feelings of guilt, there are always thoughts or beliefs that accompany it. It's hard to know them at the time though, as like you said, the mind goes blank, we don't really know what to look for. I think some CBT will help you heaps. Once you know the 'thinking errors' we all commit. Then you'll become mindful automatically. You'll be able to pinpoint those thoughts and realize how they are detrimental to your mental well being. From what you've described I really think you'll respond well to it. I think it's something you should get onto right away, as I'm positive you'll start to see the changes you wanna see, as with all things though, it does take time and effort.

You may wanna check out some Mint tea instead. It often helps with stomach complaints and nausea and stuff. Could be a better bet if you don't like Chamomille lol. I pick mine up for around £1.

I hope you have a happy new year, same goes to everyone on here :)

[richy1991]

yeah my anxiety has gone wierd tbh, i will get one of them emotional symptoms and link it straight anxiety as they all feel the same, then i will have no physical symptoms but just feel like i want to have a panic attack, and im sure if i thought about it too much i would end up having one

on the hand of cbt, where do i start? i dont want to go to a therapist so im guessing a book?

ahh okay i will look into mint tea then

my new years was rough as it was around this time last year i feel ill
but yeah hope you all had a good new years as well

cheers
richy

[richy1991]

sorry for the long reply kev, iv been busy lately,

i dont get what you mean by emotional/mental symptoms are physical:S

yes i do get them out of the blue, to begin with everything was out of the blue, as of today i still get some out of the blue but sometimes i think i see patterns, like my gf leaving brings some on

yeah i gathered that and i knew i was sub-consciously worrying about xmas/new years and now that they have passed iv been feeling alot less anxious
but what annoys me is i wasn't consciously worrying about them, i just started having a few physical symptoms which turned into emotional symptoms which then lead to an increase in anxiety.

theres also one thing i wanted to ask
looking back to just before my anxiety started at the things that stressed me out enough to cause it, in my opinion wasnt as bad as the stress im going to have to face in the future, if this is what stress of a new relationship, an abortion and a family member going into to hospital caused then im sorry to put it like this, im F****D!

i could think of numerous things that are really going to stress me out/worry me in the future like family members passing away, taking over my dads business, my girlfriends mom going through HD, my girlfriend having a chance of having HD her self etc. ( and i could go on and on)

how am i going to cope, is every time stress hits me, im going to suffer through anxiety again and again?

cheers
richy