Cojiro
11-26-2011, 06:19 AM
Okay, I'll try to keep my recent backstory as brief as possible as it would take me all day to write down every last detail. Anyhow, it all started when I had graduated from university about 2 years ago and had to leave alot of good friends behind. Despite this however, I was looking forward to where my degree would take me and was anxious for the future; little did I know that it would be all downhill from that point on. I moved back to my hometown in which I had distanced myself from all my old friends and acquaintances; long story, but it was for a damn good reason, I assure you. So anyway, I immediately began to apply for positions around town in hopes that I could develop a career in my field (Sociology), but it turned out that the only jobs I could have gotten, would have had me performing some remiedial task which I quite frankly saw as demeaning.
I underwent being rejected reference letters by those who had promised to write them for me in the past, to being rejected for a job only to see them hire a kid fresh out of high school with no post secondary aspirations. I still live at home with my parents and I desperately want to get out but I also want to leave this dead end town as a whole. I have no car as I could never afford one, and even if I did get myself a car, I've broken contact with all my old friends so I'd have nowhere to go given the freedom. The only time I don't feel depressed is when I do my volunteer work sometimes during the week, but on weekends I feel like garbage as my parents have all their friends over for parties at the house while I just sit in my room trying not to be a bother; to make it worse, I know my mother has mentioned me to them and I just know that they feel pity for me, which just lowers my self esteem even more.
Meanwhile, my younger brother had moved about 2 hours away and is currently thinking of popping the question to his girlfriend any day now. While I am indeed happy for him, I just can't help but feel like a complete failure in comparison. I know it's selfish to think of myself in this scenario but every night I lay down, I feel a sort of throbbing pain in my chest which I'm positive is due to anxiety and/or depression, so when I have that going as a constant reminder, it's hard not to think of myself. To make it worse, seemingly every weekend he will bring her home and it has obviously been aparent to her that I never go out or have friends over so I couldn't blame her for thinking little of me if that were the case. Every week they come back, they will continue to insist that I go out with them and their friends to shoot pool or something, and I can't stand going because I'm obviously there out of pity and therefore feel unwanted. I know they mean well, but it really does issue that extra blow to my self esteem. Also, if things weren't bad enough already, my mother insists that I move out of the house and in with them, in which case I'd be working for his friend at his gas station. I have told my parents that I am sick and tired of this rut that I'm in as I feel like I'm going nowhere, but rather that I feel trapped under everything and everybody and that by moving in with brother and his girlfriend, I would only become trapped within unfamiliar territory.
In the meantime, I am waiting for confirmation from the military about a future with the forces, but it was made apparent to me through many meetings and phone calls that this will likely take a long while to get straightened out. All the while, I am just waiting in vain that things will fall into place so that I can get out of this rut once and for all and on with my life. But knowing how things have been going, there will likely be many more roadblocks to come; I have no reason to not be pessimistic.
This is simply the gist of things that have running through my head constantly as I lay with uncontrollable chest pains every night trying to breath. To top it all off, I have OCD and feel the need to rehearse conversations and scenarios in my head almost waking hour and cannot get to sleep until I have everything resolved mentally. I feel like I'm going to freak out one of these days and would like to avoid having to pay for a psychiatrist, which explains why I am here seeking guidance from all of you. Please help me, as I am just so mentally and physically exhausted at this point that I struggle to even think straight.
I underwent being rejected reference letters by those who had promised to write them for me in the past, to being rejected for a job only to see them hire a kid fresh out of high school with no post secondary aspirations. I still live at home with my parents and I desperately want to get out but I also want to leave this dead end town as a whole. I have no car as I could never afford one, and even if I did get myself a car, I've broken contact with all my old friends so I'd have nowhere to go given the freedom. The only time I don't feel depressed is when I do my volunteer work sometimes during the week, but on weekends I feel like garbage as my parents have all their friends over for parties at the house while I just sit in my room trying not to be a bother; to make it worse, I know my mother has mentioned me to them and I just know that they feel pity for me, which just lowers my self esteem even more.
Meanwhile, my younger brother had moved about 2 hours away and is currently thinking of popping the question to his girlfriend any day now. While I am indeed happy for him, I just can't help but feel like a complete failure in comparison. I know it's selfish to think of myself in this scenario but every night I lay down, I feel a sort of throbbing pain in my chest which I'm positive is due to anxiety and/or depression, so when I have that going as a constant reminder, it's hard not to think of myself. To make it worse, seemingly every weekend he will bring her home and it has obviously been aparent to her that I never go out or have friends over so I couldn't blame her for thinking little of me if that were the case. Every week they come back, they will continue to insist that I go out with them and their friends to shoot pool or something, and I can't stand going because I'm obviously there out of pity and therefore feel unwanted. I know they mean well, but it really does issue that extra blow to my self esteem. Also, if things weren't bad enough already, my mother insists that I move out of the house and in with them, in which case I'd be working for his friend at his gas station. I have told my parents that I am sick and tired of this rut that I'm in as I feel like I'm going nowhere, but rather that I feel trapped under everything and everybody and that by moving in with brother and his girlfriend, I would only become trapped within unfamiliar territory.
In the meantime, I am waiting for confirmation from the military about a future with the forces, but it was made apparent to me through many meetings and phone calls that this will likely take a long while to get straightened out. All the while, I am just waiting in vain that things will fall into place so that I can get out of this rut once and for all and on with my life. But knowing how things have been going, there will likely be many more roadblocks to come; I have no reason to not be pessimistic.
This is simply the gist of things that have running through my head constantly as I lay with uncontrollable chest pains every night trying to breath. To top it all off, I have OCD and feel the need to rehearse conversations and scenarios in my head almost waking hour and cannot get to sleep until I have everything resolved mentally. I feel like I'm going to freak out one of these days and would like to avoid having to pay for a psychiatrist, which explains why I am here seeking guidance from all of you. Please help me, as I am just so mentally and physically exhausted at this point that I struggle to even think straight.