Teaching

[AsktheAges]

As I mentioned on the 'welcome' page, I teach on contract at the uni level. While this is great in some ways - I'm always learning things - it also provokes quite a bit of anxiety for me.

When I started three years ago, I had such intense anxiety about public speaking and just about performing well enough. I can say that I was not so successful in my first year. The anxiety was noted by students and came up on student evals quite a bit. I was also often distracted.

Since then, I've worked a great deal on pedagogy and on speaking. I'm not so anxious about speaking in front of people anymore. I have no problem making eye contact now. Still, though, when I started this new contract, I was panicking quite severely, just about whether I'd be good enough, whether I know enough. I'm not quite panicking on that level anymore. I'm still quite anxious about doing a good job, about being able to actually research everything well enough to be able to speak effectively as an expert on a near-daily basis (quite stressful and anxiety-provoking), and to just keep up with the workload, which always seems like a struggle. I get a lot of anxiety about preparing each class, which can sometimes make me procrastinate. I'm much further behind with marking than I'd like to be. Especially with my anxiety and obsessive thoughts, teaching three courses at once seems to take most of the time and energy that I have to give.

A couple of days ago, my dept head came to observe one of my classes. I'm very anxious about what she thought so I'm not sleeping well. (It's about 5 am here.) I think there was one error I made: someone wrote something that was a bit weak on the board and I didn't correct it. (Actually, I'm still stressing out about the best way to explain the problem.) Maybe I'm mind-reading a bit: the dept head had to leave soon so I didn't get to talk to her after the class; somehow I felt that by reading her face, I didn't get a really favourable response.

Also, I saw that someone slammed me on the rateyourprofessor website, which is the kind of thing I'm still sensitive about.

I live from contract to contract (which is leading me to consider other careers, but that's another topic...). I moved a crazy long distance for this, far from anyone I know, which was the final thing that ended what had once been a great relationship. I'm really worried.

[AsktheAges]

Ugh, students were obnoxious today.

[Brad72]

One thing I have learnt over the years is to not judge what you believe others are thinking because as much as you feel you can read their mind you can't. I would say something to someone, and think to myself, mmm should I have said that, what if upset them , oh no I must of sounded rude, their reaction was not what I expected. The reality however was that the person I spoke to didn't give what I said a second thought. It was my over analysing mind that was the problem. Think of your department head. She might have left early because she was sick or had a prior engagement that she didn't want to attend, hence her facial expression.

As for your lectures can you make everyone happy in your class, no. Is there a lecturer on earth that can do that, well, no. Are students there to make teachers life hell, yes. The problem is the lack of respect of this generation. If you do the slightest thing wrong there will be a smart arse who will take great pleasure in telling you this. As long as you follow the curriculum I think you will be fine but as with any profession practice makes perfect, but you will never stop learning which for me is what makes life exciting.

If you are really worried what the department head though of your lecture perhaps you could make an appointment to see her. You could start by saying it was great to see you in my lecture the other day and I was just wondering how you thought I went and if you have any pointers for me. The advantage of seeing her is that the meeting is on you terms and you won't get ambushed.

Keep in mind also that anyone starting a new job will be stressed. Even the greatest key note speakers get anxious before speaking so don't knock yourself up. Ask yourself what others would feel if they were in my shoes and I think you'll find your reactions are quite normal.

Good luck

[AsktheAges]

Thanks. That helped. And the same class was wonderful today. Plus, I got hired for at least one course next semester so I guess the dept head can't have thought I was a disaster.

I suspect I'll be less popular with tomorrow's class when they get their tests back though...

[AsktheAges]

Oh God, I've got to lecture for 3h at 9 tomorrow morning and am really still in the early stages of putting together my Powerpoint presentation (about 9:15 pm here). I guess I started reading/planning around 6? I don't even know where the time went, really. I actually have been busy today but I also procrastinated a bit. I don't know how I'll manage. (There's a voice in my head telling me that I always do manage. Maybe I should try to shut off that voice of security? I think he often leads me down this path...)

[AsktheAges]

Ha, that class went great but today's sucked. I just wasn't all there mentally, kept screwing things up. :(

[Brad72]

Sounds like you are doing just fine and should be really proud of yourself. One thing I learnt years ago was not to worry myself and try to control and plan for everything. For example you could go on a picnic and pack your food, drink, rug, insect repellent, map to get there etc etc etc and when you arrive it starts raining.

[AsktheAges]

Thanks a lot... except that it's 5 am, I got 2.5h of sleep, and I have to hand out an assignment at 11:30 that I've not really completely put together yet, not to mention deliver a lesson that I haven't really prepared.

Last night's class seemed so unmotivated and bored, in a way that I haven't seen from that group before. I don't know what it is. I think my anxiety is showing more now. (I'm 'relaxing' more and 'being myself', which means I'm not working as hard to fight anxiety or the signs of anxiety.) I'd forgotten to bring a midterm back for them. (They've seen the marks already.) I kept apologizing and acting really freaked out and embarrassed about that. I think that was the point where they stopped paying attention.

My horrible post-SSRI GI issues are flaring up so severely these days that I'm weak and exhausted so much of the time on top of not getting enough sleep.

I don't know if I can do this.

I guess I'm kind of using this board to vent. Is that acceptable? I really appreciate all the comments and help that people do provide.

[AsktheAges]

I'm debating the ethics/professionalism of calling in sick. I am actually feeling kind of awful physically after all...

[Brad72]

There is no problem venting, it is really helpful in my opinion. A few things that can really help are.

When you are feeling overwhelmed just stop and take a few slow breaths. If you can, go outside and have a walk in the fresh air. It can be excellent to feel the sun and breeze on your face and focus on those sensations, ignoring what the anxiety mind is trying to make you believe.

Get yourself a sleep plan. For me it was not having any cups or tea or coffee late in the day. Keeping off the computer in the evening and going to bed when I felt tired was around 9.30pm. This came as a complete shock as I would normally stay up till at least 11.30pm. Going to bed earlier and getting up earlier has really transformed the way I feel. When I waken I have a cup of tea out in the sun which has a 2 fold effect, resets my body clock, gives me some vitamin A and resets the melatonin / cortisol cycle.

One other thing I have learnt is to not fight or struggle with the anxiety. The harder you try to fight it the more it will be problem for you. Look up mindfullness and try some of those techniques. There is a book also called "the happiness trap" that I found to be excellent. I am not saying you have to like the anxiety but you find you will not pay it so much attention to it with some simple techniques.

Good luck.

Good luck with it.

[AsktheAges]

Thanks. Calling in sick was a great idea, it turns out, as my body really was past its limit (and I hadn't kept up anyway!). Still, while this has given me more time to get things done, I'm still not sleeping well tonight. (3:45 am here and i just finished the dishes. I went to bed nice and early but just can't sleep.)

It looks like they gave the follow-up course to one that I'm teaching (the one the dept head sat in on) to someone else so I may have been right about the dept head's reaction. I've written, asking for an appointment to go over her observation anyway.

I was talking to a friend from my PhD programme the other night. I had a question about some course material. (Basically, I'd taught something one way. Later I'd talked to some people on an online message board about this, who had a different view of it, which was making me doubt myself.) My friend basically said that what I'd taught was right but the fact that I was even asking questions about it (core undergrad material) showed that I don't have enough of a grip on the subject to be a really confident lecturer. So I should probably actually do some more study. And he's right. I don't ask questions like that about material in other courses I teach, when they are things I studied extensively as an undergraduate.

With this course (again, the one the head sat in on), I hadn't had to fully study the subject as an undergrad because I went to a particularly 'open' UG programme. After completing my doctoral exams, I was fairly confident that I was now able to study any subject in field and learn it well in a short time so I started applying for jobs teaching this. And I really have been studying it fairly conscientiously imo: I've got pretty much all the major books on me and have gone through everything I've asked the students to do myself first, and far more than what I ask them to do since I always need to find the right example for them etc. I look up each topic in almost every book, online sources, etc. (I generally allow them 4-5x as much time to complete something as it takes for me.) And while I think I've been managing reasonably well, and I'm not really teaching them the wrong thing or anything, I perhaps just don't quite have the same level of fluency/confidence as someone else who might have done this stuff as an undergrad. The fact that it is so much work for me demonstrates this. I think this might also be a reason why teaching is so stressful and overwhelming for me. Sometimes I kind of feel like a fraud now.

Anyway, only having one class to teach next semester will give me time to build skills where I need to. (This was my initial plan anyway.) Sometimes I wonder whether I should just move back to my hometown and drop even that one class. The one class might be do-able though.

[AsktheAges]

I'm really not happy with myself. All the time and money that was sunk into my education often seems like a waste. I moved out here in part because I wasn't that successful at the last place I taught.

[AsktheAges]

OK, it's not so bad, in the cold light of day. It's a little extra work for me but I'm able to handle the job. Even if I may not be the greatest right now, I'm adequate for now. I just need to focus on getting the stuff done.

[AsktheAges]

Oh God, another night I'm losing sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 with the best of intentions but just woke up at 3:30, screaming with the fear I screwed things up badly on the one day the dept head visited.

[AsktheAges]

So it turns out that I was just being paranoid. I met my dept head today. She actually gave me a really glowing evaluation based on her observation.

[Brad72]

Well done on your review. nothing better than your boss telling how well they think you are going. I thought that might be the case. I used to spend a lot of time and energy worrying what other people were thinking about me, what I had done or what I had said. I don't worry any more as I know I cannot read peoples minds and sometimes their opinions and views are not all that important to who I am or what I want to be.

Don't forget to congratulate yourself.

[Ziggy925]

I was teaching at college level but finally retired. At first my anxiety was really getting to me but I started taking Ativan right before class and that calmed me enough stop fretting, get to class and get through it with no problems. Eventually I got on Lexapro and that pretty much removed the anxiety so I went to class without thinking about it and with a lot more confidence. Currently I teach classes in firearms safety, so you can imagine an anxious firearms instructor holding a loaded gun. Well, it doesn't happen and I'm very good at my job.

I also agree with the poster who said not to worry about what you think others are thinking. Usually they aren't thinking anything. I recently appologized to a girl for saying something I was fretting over for the last 20 years. Everytime I saw her I would say nothing or cross the street to avoid her. Anyway, when I finally confronted her she didn't know what I was talking about, so there ya go.

[AsktheAges]

Thanks, both of you.

[AsktheAges]

Man, today's class was depressing. It was the last day of an intro-level gen-ed class: it's hard enough to keep their attention on a good day. I'd been so exhausted and feeling overwhelmed. I prepped very quickly last night so I could actually catch up on sleep. (Not that it helped since I just woke up around 3 anyway.) After the first hour, I just went to exam review. But I covered the review in a boring, straightforward way: basically, I'd prepared a Powerpoint presentation that I simply read; it did seem like the best way to cover a semester's worth of material in a couple of hours. Most of the class just left. Of those who stayed, people seemed like they were struggling to stay awake. I know this is not the greatest way of teaching but I thought it would be an OK way to do exam review. Unfortunately, it's also the day they give student evaluations so this class may have swayed them against me a little.

There was one embarrassing moment during the actual class too. While I'd researched my topic substantially with legitimate sources, just before class, I checked Wikipedia just to remind myself of a couple of examples of something. I was projecting my laptop during class. I wanted to pull something up on the Internet for the class. On another tab, the Wikipedia link was still visible, making it look like that's how my research had been done. I felt awful. That may have caused students to want to leave as well. They can read Wikipedia on their own, after all.

I really feel like a failure now. After the work I'd put in this semester, for it to all end so badly feels so awful.

[AsktheAges]

Thing is, I'd never even use Wikipedia to check examples for the other classes I teach. This was the one class where I guess I was cutting myself a little slack this semester (it's intro, it's a basic subject I don't specialize in) given how draining the workload can be for me. Irresponsible of me, I guess, and it got noticed in the end.

My other two classes went great this week, or at least quite well, I think, so I feel especially crap now.

[AsktheAges]

Yesterday was the first day back after the break. I went back to my parents' (fairly far away) for the break, which was generally great. I'd put together the syllabus and prepared, even rehearsed the first class over the break. The day before I'd wanted to rehearse again. However, I was just having a day where I was extremely distracted by the thoughts in my head, lost in my obsessive anger in a way I hadn't been for a while. (I punched my wall and did some damage.) I had no motivation that day. On the day of, I practised a bit while video-recording myself - which was good because my delivery was sloppy and I could catch it. But it wasn't enough. In class, I'd meant to demonstrate something simple: just some scales on my instrument. Still, because I hadn't practised them recently and was very tense and nervous, I ended up making clumsy mistakes. It was so humiliating. (I still demonstrated the stuff, but it wasn't smooth and effortless and I feel foolish. The students would know the difference. It actually makes little difference to their learning of the topic but could affect e.g. how much they respect me.) Maybe I was thrown off because my car wouldn't start that morning. I also made a foolish mistake at the board. I caught it right away but it was still embarrassing.

There was also a time when a student gave a weak answer. I wanted to be supportive and constructive in the way I corrected it but I don't know if I was.

I'm also concerned that the level I'm pitching the class may be too easy for them. I dunno, I was kind of led to believe that some students may have no background in the subject but they all seem to be at a level where they may have done some of this before. Honestly, it's still hard for me to gauge since they were quiet in the first class. I wonder if I bored them by asking easy questions.

I'm really anxious again. Thoughts are racing through my head. I wasn't able to focus on anything (other than watching TV) since class.

I should have done progressive muscle relaxation before class. I feel like a fool for not making this a priority.

[AsktheAges]

When I'd rehearsed over the break, it was no effort at all to play those scales.