Serve anxiety over girlfriend

[jimbobday]

Hi All,

I have constant anxiety over my girlfriend when she is not with me.

My thoughts run, My minds numb, I get jittery and can't sit still

This has affected my whole life. From my work to hobbies and friends and most definitely my relationships which is on the rocks at the moment.

I'm currently doing therapy but we have only just started. I'm thinking about getting onto medication as I can slowly feel myself drifting towards a depression.

What do you guys think? What the best medication?

[nervousbutterflies]

im sorry to hear about that :( i am on zoloft and i actually feel ok most of the time now but i think you should try your hardest to avoid medication unless you have run out of options!

[jimbobday]

Unfortunately its gotten to the point where medication is the only option before therapy really starts working. I wish I could stay off it but at the moment this is ruling/destroying my life

I can feel myself slipping into the depression I suffered a year and a half back. It started off with this anxiety that grew into depression.

I was on citralopram (Celax) last time so I'm going to try that but I'm not to sure its going to help with the anxiety

[jimbobday]

Thanks Kev,

That was the mistake I made last time started taking meds then only did a little work with therapy. Unfortunately last time I was only treated for depression when in actual fact I'm 99% sure it was the anxiety that caused the depression.

This time I've got a therapist whos realistic and said I'm going to need 6 months of therapy to get through it but I need some relief pretty quickly just to keep my head above water in my life.

[nervousbutterflies]

yea i honestly got to the point where i could not deal without the meds! it does help but you do have to work hard on yourself to make it better! i wish you luck and the medicine should help but not at first! you will get bothersome side effects at first that will go away and you will feel alot better :)

[Lunabell]

What do you worry about when she is not with you?

[jimbobday]

I haven't determined that completely yet. Its more racing thoughts

But some are along the lines of shes going to leave me, she is going to cheat on me or is cheating on me, I'm going to be all alone. Just to name a few

[nervousbutterflies]

i also have a lot of anxiety over my boyfriend. I have been with him for over 4 years now and i still constantly worry about him cheating on me! he says i have no reason to believe it but i cannot get the thought out of my head! i cannot watch the show cheaters or maury because when i see a story about someone getting cheated on i turn my head and look at my boyfriend and say "YOU ARE CHEATING ON ME!!!" ITS kind of funny though!

[jimbobday]

Thanks guys.

Unfortunately this anxiety is pushing my girlfriend away because of the way I act. I wish I could just relax then she wouldn't drift away from me so much.

I've started back on my citralopram only second day in but I feel like this is making it worse at the moment :S

I'm booked in to see my doctor in a week and a bit but it seems so far away

[Lunabell]

It may seem far away but,the time will pass soon enough. For now just try and relax. Maybe when the anxiety gets to bad and you can't take it. Text her and ask her how she is doing or what she is doing. Maybe you could even buy a stuffed animal and spray her perfume on it and just hug it when she is away. You know just little things like that. Or a bracelet that you both wear to remind you she is never far away and always in your heart.

[evilferret]

Hi jimbobday
I hope you're doing well right now. I just joined this site and it's sort of comforting to see someone else going through anxiety in a relationship. I'm just curious though, do you think your girlfriend is doing anything specifically that causes you to feel anxious? While in my situation, my ex boyfriend was actually doing some unintentional cruel stuff to me, i definitely "freaked out" more than one would expect. He wasn't doing anything that serious, nothing abusive. But he was doing things like always blowing me off and not getting back to me until hours later, or just not updating me on what was going on and leaving me hanging for hours. So still some pretty messed up stuff. But my anxiety over it crippled me. I couldn't, and still can't really do anything and I have sobbing attacks and I can't breathe or think.

So, anyway, basically my question is if she's doing anything specifically that causes you to feel this way? Or is it simply your own thoughts when you're alone that take over? Or do you take things she says and run with it in your mind and create these horrible scenarios? I know I do that...

[jimbobday]

Thanks evilferret

Well theres a few things going on

1. Shes going out more
2. We are speaking less often
3. We are less intimate

But in saying that a lot of my actions are actually what pushed her away in the first place. So I would say its more my thoughts that are causing it than anything else. This isn't something that would be solved by leaving her I've tried that before.

[evilferret]

Ah gosh, trying to leave someone. No way...that makes the anxiety so much worse. Having no support and no one to talk to? Forget about it. I understand that completely. So, these things she is doing that are making you anxious have really only started since your anxiety has pushed her away? Or has it just made it worse? It could be that there's a lack of communication, or issues in how she's expressing herself that you may not even realize. I'm not trying to tell you what's wrong at all, just putting some ideas out there that have made me anxious in my relationship.

[jimbobday]

Thanks again evilferret

All advice is greatly appreciated.

Well my original anxiety pushed her away a bit and then as it pushes her away it gets worse the more she pulls away. So its almost like a spiral that gets out of control.

She does have some of her own issues and definitely isn't the best communicator as in she gets really defensive at times but she did make a real effort for a while to try to understand the issues I was having

[evilferret]

Lack of communication can be a huge factor of anxiety for almost anyone. That what makes my thoughts run wild and I convince myself of horrible things. I think there's almost always a trigger for anxiety, it's just trying to find it.

[jimbobday]

I think the initial trigger is her getting angry at me for something then pulling away from me.

Which is why my therapist suggests fear of abandonment. I think its because when I see her getting angry I fear she is going to leave me instead of thinking well shes just angry everyone gets angry at times she will get over it

[evilferret]

That makes a lot of sense. Fear of abandonment seems to go along with a lot of what you've been saying. It causes so much anxiety, and then over every little thing that can think of. I have struggled with that as well, and i think it came from my father never being there and abandoning the family all through out my life. It's good to try to find some sort of origin. I guess it doesn't help for everyone, but I think figuring out the origin of some fear like that helps one to find some solace. I think it would be best to communicate as much as you can about all of this with your girlfriend.

[jimbobday]

Yep it makes complete sense to me. I have communicated it with my girlfriend. She was actually very understanding for a while but unfortunately that fear causes me to say and do stupid things that push her away.

Like the other night when she was out I rang her and said I felt lonely while she was trying to enjoy time with friends.

Then the other day I said I'm not looking for a party animal and I know I was doing this as a fear of abandonment response

Then also the other day someone bumped into me and got lipstick on my shirt.

All of this combined has pushed her away.

She just wants a little Independence to go out with friends at night.

I'm pretty sure this comes from my childhood and my parents always being busy setting up their business. Sometimes working 16 hour days.

I did an audio around healing your inner child but this just bought up a picture from my childhood of being in a dark room all alone. This now haunts me and my thoughts

[evilferret]

You're just trying to cope. Trying to make yourself feel at peace and balanced. While it's important for you to let her have some independence, you also need to cope somehow and feel okay. Do you tell her you're aware you say these things out of fear? I think it will comfort her in that you're not just "saying stupid things" but you're really just suffering and trying to sooth your anxiety.
I'm so sorry about your childhood. I hope you can find some solace about that. Does therapy help you with that?

[jimbobday]

Yep I have said that I say these things in fear and don't really mean them.

Unfortunately this kicks off her fears when I say things like that.

Not to sure yet I've only been in therapy a couple of weeks. So I guess time will tell.

I'm going to do some self hypnosis. It usually doesn't get rid of the problem but I find it helps to comfort it in the time being till therapy starts really working

[evilferret]

I wish you luck in the therapy and the hypnosis to give you some comfort. Not only are relationship so hard sometimes, when anxiety is a factor it can be almost unbearable from what I've experienced. Please don't lose hope in therapy helping though. Talking out everything and having a therapist there to give you ideas and help you become more aware of yourself really helps in the long term. It may hurt in the short term, but it's so worth it.

[victor.gatto]

partners can also cause anxiety, it doesnt help! grrr girlfriends these days! :P

[PanicCured]

Hold on! You want to take medication because you get anxious when your girlfriend is not near? Sorry but medication is a bad excuse here. You need psychotherapy. You alone.

[jimbobday]

Not just that also depression and anxiety which has been diagnosed.

I'm going to talk to my doc next week. I've been on anti-depressants before for depression and anxiety and really don't want to start back on them again.

Basically I'm seeing how the week goes at the moment and have been in therapy for the last month. Basically the meds are a last resort (If I simply stop functioning like I was last week) but things are slowly picking up at the moment