My anxiety and fear of failure

[aekelund]

Hello, Im a 20 year old guy, and I've been an anxiety sufferer for about 8 years. I've been (as I'm sure a lot of people on this site has) struggeling to figure out what to say to myself when I'm anxious - I've also found it hard to figure out what exactly it is that I'm afraid of. I know that I'm extremely afraid of failure, and I often go weeks (even months) worrying about the smallest of events. I've spent A LOT of time trying to figure out why I'm so afraid of failing, and I don't really have a clear answer yet. It has gotten to my attention, though, that I'm in fact more afraid of a situation before it happens, than during the situation itself (during I'm actually really calm, at least compared to all the worrying beforehand.) I've also noticed that if I fail at something, it doesn't bother me that much, but I worry a lot before the event itself. I don't know how many people can relate to this, but I would really like the opinion of someone who actually can.

You see, I've recently (a few days ago, actually) found a way to deal with my fear of failure, and I believe it is actually working for me. When my anxiety starts to build up, the first thing I do is to make sure which thoughts actually caused it. If it is about an upcoming event, or my work (I'm almost always anxious before work) I say to myself: "If I fail at something, I'm always calm after it has happened, it really doesn't bother me that much. Why do I need to worry beforehand? There is no reason for it."

What do you think about it? Is there anyting else that I could say to myself that could work even better? I really do believe my fear of failure is the main reason I'm having any anxiety at all, I'm kind of a perfectionist. So to know what to say to myself when I'm really afraid, would help me a great deal. Thanks.

[jessed03]

What do you do Andreas if you don't mind me asking. Or what are your dreams?

[aekelund]

Hello and thanks for your reply. Well it's kind of ironic, but I have always been interested in human behaviour and what makes people do the things they do. I'm thinking about studying psychology, not to become a licensed therapist but maybe for a masters degree. A huge issue for me is the fact that I struggle with the thoughts that I'm not good enough, that I will fail and that I might not be smart enough, even though I did very well at school and I get really good at the things that I put my mind into.

[jessed03]

It sounds very interesting. I've always enjoyed reading about human behaviour, but only as an amateur I'm afraid :P

Have you grown up with any other co-existing anxiety issues? or social anxiety? Any depression.

I grew up with very low self esteem. Put the requirement of perfectionism on myself, and hated the idea of failure. Maybe because I felt subconsciously I needed to compensate.

I sought therapy for it, and was told that 'low self esteem' isnt a diagnosis, but a side effect from depression and anxiety that came and went in my life. Theres no real treatment for it, but to eliminate any co-existing problems, and by doing so, the body will correct itself, and regain normal actions in order to regain it.

It can also be a form of mild OCD. Maybe you have ideas where it originated from?

For me I found it had a huge connection to my 'ego'. For a lot of my life I was quite patronized. By teachers, friends, parents. I had a very damaged ego, that couldn't accept help, that needed to acheive things by itself, to re-establish it's importance. As you're aware of psychology, you probably know that the ego can be treated as a seperate entity. By recognizing it, and how it affects human emotion, it can be quietened. Now whenever I am patronized, or I fail, I have this weird, hot, awkward very angry feeling. In the past I would have gone into a huge mess about failure and it's meaning. Now I sit with that feeling, and refuse to be taking into the games. I sit and feel uncomfortable, and realize it's the doing of an out of control ego. I've found I can fail more freely now, as I've slowly practiced releasing this idolatrous image of myself that I had in my mind. It took a while, but I feel I've made huge progress.

What is it about failure that scares you? The consequences of living 'poor' and not having an ideal life? Or the emotional and mental damage it does to your sense of self? Maybe the next time you fail, and you feel these bad emotions, start writing, let everything pour out, no holding back. Maybe re-reading it later will allow you to see any subconscious feelings coming out.

[aekelund]

Thanks for the great reply, and for taking your time to answer me. To answer your first question, yes I believe I also have some social anxiety. I always seem to think other people are judging me and I always seem to worry about what other people are thinking about my actions, even though I'm not doing anything embarassing or stupid. I believe this may have originated from school years, but I know I shouldn't be too hung up in what happened to me years ago.

I too have grown up with the requirements of perfectionism on myself, and I really have a hard time figuring out what exactly it is about failure that scares me. I believe it is, like you say, the consequences. I have extremely high expectations of myself and I can't live with the thought of me ending up as an average human being. Also to live with the feeling that I have failed, that I am not good enough or strong enough, how my family would look at me etc etc. And for me, as I said before, failure is ending up average (or even worse, of course, below average.) I don't know why but the thought scares the s**t out of me.

I really do want to make something of myself, stand out. I don't want that feeling to go away. I want to keep my high expectations, but still accept the fact that I might fail A LOT before I achieve my goal. I know this will be a huge challenge for me to overcome, but I really do hope I can.

The greatest issue for me, like I mentioned in my opening post, is that I always fear about a situation a lot more before it happens than during. If I fail at something, I might beat myself up over it but I will be calm with almost no anxiety at all. I really don't understand why I get anxious before a situation when I know that I can easily deal with it after it has happened. I experienced this a lot at school. I could worry about an upcoming presentation days, even weeks before, but during the presentation itself I would be calm. And if I did fail (usually I would do great, I have always worked really hard at school) I would not be anxious.

Edit: About the mild OCD; that is something that I have never thought about, but it would be interesting to find out more about it.

[inescapable]

I could hardly breathe while reading this post. This is me in words I could never quite articulate. My need to succeed and be perfect has held me back in life. I believe because unless I feel I will succeed at something near perfectly I will not even attempt it. The things I have attempted I've been extremely successful at, but not without a huge amount of anticipitory anxiety and chronic stress. And I too seek a solution. If anyone else out there has advice, please please post it

[jessed03]

I'm not sure a solution exists per se. I think in a way this attitude is what feeds perfectionism. Within your mind, you have formed a set of beliefs about yourself, and about the world. These may have happened at a very young age, or they may have been rearffirmed as you grow up. It doesn't matter too much either way. Everyday, when things are attempted, the mind has this fragile structure that it needs to uphold. Imagine it this way; imagine an old greek building, with the many pillars inside, holding everything up. Your actions are the pillars, the roof is your belief system. When you succeed, these pillars grow a little stronger. When you fail, these pillars weaken, which puts your concrete belief system in jeopardy. The mind can never allow that. Therefore will ensure you avoid situations where failure is realistic.

Whats the only way to make this building safe? To always succeed? Yes, but not possible, even Jesus Christ knew failure. The safest way to ensure this building doesn't have a catartophic fall, is simply to move the belief system. If the belief system is no longer on top, it is no longer dependant on the strength given to it by your actions. Therefore you avoid the fluctuating sense of security that comes and goes depending on whether you win or lose.

As I mentioned in my last post, this is a process people spend lots of time on. It's been years and years in the making, and cannot be undone over night. That being said, after around 5 or 6 months, I really felt a lot of difference.

The key to re-training your mind, involves you finding out what failure means. Why it scares you. This takes a lot of time. Some people need therapy for this, as it isn't as obvious, others can find out. I found out by putting myself in a very make or break situation. I asked out the girl of my dreams. She said no. I had this bizarre feeling in my body, tis sense of failure I was breathing in. I just started writing, letting my heart out. my anger, my frustration on a page. Reading back on this a month later, I began to see some of these disfunctional beliefs that existed, that I had never even admitted to myself. My faliures in the past came back out, and things started to make a lot more sense.

Think of it this way. Imagine playing video games with a 5 year old. You have never played them before, he plays them all the time. He inevitably beats you . Badly. His friends start to giggle. You've failed. I'm guessing you don't really care too much. Now imagine you're doing a presentation at work. You think it goes well, but you're told at the end, in a very blunt fashion, This wasn't to our liking. I'm guessing now you're starting to sting. Why does one effect you badly, and the other doesn't? Often it's because the image we hold in our heads. The set of rules and standards we have subconsciously set upon ourselves.

As Auekleund mentioned in his last post, his fear of being an average citizen is what scares him. But this is yet another fear, that doesn't exist. You will never be an average citizen, unless you choose to be. You will fail to live upto this King like image your mind holds. But that far from makes you an average citizen. I think improving your self talk during, and around events will help somewhat. "I am not my success or failure" "I am not my job, or my income" "I am a far deeper, and complex person". In the meantime, I would definetly focus on this happiness of others too. Perfectionism is a form of inflamed and damaged ego. The mind doesn't feel as valuble as it should, and seeks that you compensate constantly. As I said in my last post; feeling fear is normal in situations, but it's important to remember that fear of failure comes 95% of the time from the human ego. This is just an illusion of what you are. As it reduces, you'll notice so does your fear of failure. So the next time you fail, sit with the feeling. Don't fight it. Don't deny it. Sit with it, and feel how the ego becomes bruised. Listen as thoughts such as "I'm useless" or "I'll never be what I want to be" come into your mind. This is the human ego cursing out. This isn't you. Youare the person who sees this is happening. Believe me this process takes time, but it liberates you.

"The authentic self is the best part of a human being. It's the part of you that already cares, that is already passionate about evolution. When your authentic self miraculously awakens and becomes stronger than your ego, then you will truly begin to make a difference in this world. You will literally enter into a partnership with the creative principle."
~Andrew Cohen~

“If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego
and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the
need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge.
Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time.
It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up.”
~Deepak Chopra~

I want you to take 3 things from my post. Firstly, always acknowledge the ego. Don't do anything about it, or deny it, or change it, just be aware that it's there, this isn't any form of spirituality, it comes from scientific physcology. Secondly, when you fail big, write, write about what happened, don't think about it, just give your self permission to pick up a pen, and write anything you feel like writing. Read it back a day later. Try to spot any trends in your writing, any hurt or anger, it will probably be more obvious what feelings and thoughts are driving these emotions. Thirdly, be nice to yourself. Your self talk is free. Nobody ever charges you for it. Keep practicing. Find ways to give to others, and make others happy. Even if you just go and feed some hungry ducks. Enjoy walking, or praying, or reading, or spending time with people.

I'll leave you with a quote from my favourite psychology book of all time Viktor Frankl's - Mans search for meaning. Which I think sums up what I've said about the fear of failure, and it's attachment to our own egos. And how we can be liberated from it, paradoxically allowing ourselves then to succeed. And I'm sorry for the mega long post, this is just a very complex subject :)

"Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run--in the long run, I say--success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it." ~ Viktor Frankl

[inescapable]

Thank you jessed03. A lot of what you say hits home, and some I need to ponder more deeply. I am going to read this entire thread every day before I start my day and see if that helps me understand it all better. I am facing having to find a new job so I am sure failure will rear its ugly head so I can practice your advice. I may post more as i go thru this, thank you again

[jaymie]

"If I fail at something, I'm always calm after it has happened, it really doesn't bother me that much. Why do I need to worry beforehand? There is no reason for it."

Andreas, I really like this mode of thinking. I think that we build up this unnecessary fear of failure before something happens. We think of every possible situation that can come out of something--like overanalyzing. We do not truly know the outcome after the event happens. I failed a test in my last year of university and I fell apart. But now as I look back, I tried harder for the second test and did very well. Does it still effect my life today? Not at all. You move on from it and leave it in the past. It's the fear of the unknown that is truly the terrifying part.