i don't get it

[dudeeee58]

i really don't. how can i (we) let something we can't even see or rationalize control our lives and set up boundaries. I try so hard to overcome my immense feelings of dread that i don't even remember what its like to live a day not worrying about anything. Shit, i can't even remember the last time i can say i was genuinely happy for more than an hour. anxiety has ruined my life, i'm 20 and i'm currently in my dorm bugging out cause i feel like i'm going to throw up. i'm always scared. who cares if i throw up? like if i throw up ill feel better right? i won't die throwing up and it doesn't necessarily mean i'm sick. life literally sucks when you live like this. my friends don't understand it, and when they see that i'm having an episode they think i'm crazy or just making an excuse not to do something with them. no, this is no excuse, this is the worst. this is worse than anything ive ever felt in my life. i just lost my grandfather, who was like my real father, and that hurt so bad, but still didn't feel as bad as how i feel every day. i know he's in a better place, i miss him, and i pray and hope he can guide me through this mess.

i constantly ask myself why i bother letting such stupid things ruin my short life on earth. i go outside and try to enjoy the wonderful fresh upstate air and i can't even do that because ill look on my hand and, well, what do you know, i've broken out in some sort of rash. immediately i go from borderline happy that i can do many things in this wonderful weather, to WHAT THE FUCK IS ON MY HAND AND HOW DID IT GET THERE. no i'm sorry i can't live like this anymore and i've sought countless help, spent hundreds of hundreds of dollars on therapy and prescribed drugs and nothing fucking works. i'm frustrated and i don't know how to fix my life, i don't know how to make things better.

it's been four years since i first had my first anxiety episode and they told me "it's just a phase, you aren't a 'lifer'". sure that gives me some sort of hope that one day i'll be free, but i'm 20 years old, i should be enjoying myself, not experimenting with how to control my abnormal anxiety and adrenaline fits. i see so many people around me at school, at home, everywhere and they all look fine, and i miss being "fine" i miss it so much. i swear it sounds so cliche but if i had one wish i would want me and everyone like me to be cured of this. this is a silent killer, i don't care, its killing me slowly. its taking my time and gobbling it up, and its making my ONE AND ONLY experience on earth the most upsetting one. don't get me wrong i love my life and i am thankful that i have all my limbs and that im not unhealthy or anything like that but to be honest this is a disease, its a mind battle that no drugs can cure. its terminal to your mental state and its terminal to your outlook on life.

i question whether this whole thing is a big joke. i sometimes take a "skeptics" approach on life and think "can this really be life?". i often drift into and out of a state of mind in which i do not have any way of proving to myself that i am, infact, here and alive and living this life. i often feel like i'm watching my life rather than living it.

[crimsonrose]

Man I couldn't have said it better myself. You almost made me cry cause o feel exactly like you do. Ur not alone in this fight.

[leighs]

I've definitely had days where I couldn't remember the last time I had a good day with little to no anxiety. I started keeping a journal...nothing fancy. Before I go to bed every night I jot down my level of anxiety for that day and any thing that might have caused anxiety if I had any. If something good happened and I had little or no anxiety, I write that down as well. I find that it helps me see my progress and that I am getting better. The anxiety doesn't want us to sert the good because then we are winning. Try to find something to track your progress. Keep your head up and stay positive. You will get through this.

[aekelund]

I know what you are feeling. I'm the same age as you and I've been suffering with anxiety since I was about 12 years old. Anxiety has been in my world for so long that I can't even beging to think how it would be to actually be calm, happy and balanced. It is so unreal for me, and my anxiety has become more and more of a natural feeling. I sometimes feel that this is just who I am, because I really don't know anything else. But I'm keeping my mood up, trying as hard as I can to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones. Cognitive therapy is making me a tiny bit stronger every day (at least I feel that it is) and I've started to realize how powerful the mind actually is, and that your thoughts create the world around you and makes you feel what you feel. The first thing that you need to do is believe that you can be better. Because without believing, you really don't get nowhere. You will just fill your mind with negative thoughts that will destroy you. And I know that it is hard to believe, but I've been suffering with extreme anxiety for 8 years, and I've started to feel changes only after about a month in therapy. I know you can as well.

What is working really well for me:

I don't know about you, but I've discovered that my main reason for anxiety is the fear of failing. I've also noticed that I'm a lot calmer after I have failed at something, than before the situation itself. This has made me realize that my fear is actually really, really pointless, because after I have failed at something, it doesn't bother me that much. When I get anxious, what I do first it to try to figure out what my thoughts are that make me feel that way. If it is about an upcoming event, I often come to the conclusion that I'm afraid that I might do something stupid or that I might fail at a certain task. After I know what I'm thinking, I say to myself: "When I fail at something, it really doesn't bother me. I just want to do it better the next time. So why would I even need to worry beforehand? What is the point really? There is no reason at all for me to worry about failing when actually failing doesn't bother me that much."

I've noticed that thinking these thoughts are making my anxiety go away slowly. Of course I need to say this to myself A LOT, because thoughts of failing come to me almost all the time. For me it is about saying positive thoughts like this one so many times over a long period that they change into automatic positive thoughts, which would replace my far too common automatic negative thoughts or ANTs.

I hope this helps. I know it has done for me.

[stevo]

hey man, i feel you.. im 22 and i only figured out i had anxiety 6 months ago.... i took this pickup course which let me use my real side of the brain for the first time.. and it was like i was born again... and after 3 months everything came back.. i honestly am so use to anxiety and depression i don't know any different... my body is always tense heavy and low energy and i get real edgy around people....i have never had a normal life and sharing enjoying moment's with friend's... most people think i have alot of friends because well i can act like im ok and usually tend towards other peoples feeling's .............

your not alone man...i can't even use my senses, not even my eyes can focus nor my brain.............. i do not enjoy anything period... its funny though being with a girl actually takes anxiety and all the body symptoms.... bu they man we are in this together

[Brad72]

Hi Guys,

All i can say is that you will get better, regardless of how dark and hopeless the world may seem a the moment. Anxiety is an expert of playing tricks on us but remember anxiety is only our mind, it is not real, it can't hurt us, it is actually very weak, but like I said is an expert in playing tricks on us to keep us under it's control.

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember which started when I was in my 20's. I tried everything. Meds never worked for me and were more like a band aid that never really addressed the real problems. I always pushed myself however as I didn't want to be housebound but even though I did push the anxiety never really stopped

What I found helped the most were 2 things. I found a psychologist that uses ACT and Schema therapy and mindfulness techniques. I also found an excellent book called "The Happiness Trap" by Dr Russ Harris. Both these have been life changers. I also take Magnesium, B12 and omega 3 which has also helped.

I haven't had and anxiety attack for about 9 months and life is starting to feel great again. I am making plans for the future and looking forward to each new day. For someone who for 17 years could't do anything without anxiety this is pretty good. I can feel a full range of human emotions, happiness, sadness, anger, empathy and these no longer produce anxiety. I am able to catch myself before anxiety takes hold as I can now recognise it happening. I can live in the moment and do dwell on the past or future, which I now realise I cannot change or predict.

Like I said in the beginning our anxiety mind is excellent is keeping us down under it's control and the more we struggle with those thoughts and feelings and try to push them away the harder it gets. Think of it this way, how hard is it to physically push someone away vs walking beside them hand in hand. It takes so much physical and emotional energy to push something away.

Once you learn to stop struggling everything becomes so much easier.

You will get better. You are strong. You can do it.

[stevo]

its just hard to figure anything out... i complete live in a world where nothing can bother me... i have detatched severely.... i can't feel dark days i just keep staying in my room and that's it... i don't even have the patience to atemp to control my mind...that's why i can't understand it completely... if i had a job i would work but my body runs out of energy so quick and then when i rest i will just think of the past of how the good days i did have(which was with anxiety) and just dwell and dwell... ive wore a mask for so long i dont know any better... ive got that book next to me .. it just makes me more sad to read something i know ive got... it's like i dont have control over any biliefs.. :( im going to ask my phy for med's i honestly can't control it... even meditating seems like a chore... im thinking just go clubbing 7 days and get momentum... i can push my self but for some reason even when my body calms down i feel very dark gloomy :( i don't know the cure

[dudeeee58]

thanks for the replies guys, it really helps to see we aren't alone