The story so far

[Brad]

Hey my name is Brad and I have an anxiety disorder. About 3-4 months ago I had my first panic attack and it was something else. I was reading a good humoured book which mentioned the word 'suicide' and I just hit a wall. I was shaking, nauseated, etc. A few days after I felt better but the fear still lingered. Recently my parents went to Europe and I felt overcome by seemingly irrational fears which I hoped would go away but wouldn't. I started getting scared of being potentially suicidal, that I would go crazy if the anxiety continued. Which just led to guilt and sadness for fear of hurting those I love (especially since my mum died when I was young and my Dad has been through a lot). I had fears of alienating myself from family and friends because if this, fears that I'd go crazy and become a murderer or something, fears that I might be gay, fears that I could become a drug addict trying to escape anxiety (even though I've never done any recreational drugs or anything), fears that I was making it all up to get attention or I had a personality disorder or something, etc. It's ridiculous because my life is good, great family, friends job, grades. Everything is seemingly in place but this. I can feel fine sometimes and I feel like it's over but then it just comes back. Also feel real tired even after sleeping heaps. I want to tell my family and what not but I'm so fearful of hurting them or making them worry that I don't. I'm seeing a councilor occasionally and I feel like addressing the issue helps, which is probably why I'm writing this. I don't really know why but venting it all might make me feel better.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading and showing me I'm not the only one.

[jessed03]

Hey Brad.

Intrusive thoughts, and doubts that you describe are common with people that have anxiety. What you describe though, are somewhat OCD. Don't worry, they are very treatable. I myself had the exact thoughts. So bad that I wanted to be dead. I would research heroin, as I was convinced I would someday end up on it and wanted to stop it. I'll give you the good news though. From these thoughts crippling me, I've reached a point where occassionally they flash in my head, I laugh them off, and within a second the episode is over and forgotten.

I would recommend therapy though. It's usually pretty important in situations you've described. Secondly, check out the forum 'stuckinadoorway'... google it. It has many posts from people exactly as your self.

Thirdly, take steps to lower anxiety. There have been many mentioned on this forum, if you haven't already, learn some meditation and breathing exercises. Even if you don't feel stressed. The lower stress the body feels, the less it resorts to these forms of thinking.

Sorry my post is brief, the topic is just so vast, and personal, that its best treated that way, on a personal level, as you have a set of beliefs which are fuelling these thoughts, that you don't always realise, and these need to be addressed and everyone has different triggers.

Take the right steps, and life really does get much better. Ask any questions if you like, having suffered the obsessions you have, I can sympathize with how difficult they can be.

Take care!

[kellyzac]

hiya ive suffered these thoughts to along with other anxiety symtoms but i know how scary these thoughts can be. I used to hate being left alone because i would think that something would take over me and i would hurt my kids then id flip back to me and realise what id done its horrible. What jessed03 said is all true ive been seeing a councellor and its helped, im the sort of person who bottles things up so being able to talk about it has helped. When you have these thoughts just stop what you are doing and tell yourself these are just thoughts, they dont mean these things will happen this is not the person you are and then carry on what you were doing. When you have these thoughts they scare you and when the fear comes its one big visious circle you have to try and take away the fear to break the cycle. Hope this helps!

[Brad]

Thanks very much to both of you. Yeah I looked on stuckinadoorway and I can definitely relate to many of the posts. Thanks for the support and I'm going to put this there too.

Thanks heaps.

PS i tried to find the meditation posts but had some difficulty, where are they? Cheers