My Depression/Anxiety/Panic Disorder Story

[Xtee]

Hi All,

This is my first post and I am hoping to get some things off my chest and hoping anyone who is suffering from a simmilar problem to give advice.

I have been battling anxiety, depression, panic disorder and avoidance over the past 3 years. My work has been absolutely amazing over this time and I still have a job even though I have been away for large chunks at a time battling my problems. I am forever greatful to them.

My journey started out 3 years ago after my first son was born. I was diagnosed with Cytomegalovirus (CMV) which is similar to glandular fever. Doctors could not work out what was wrong with me for about 4 months and I missed a lot of work. I was very nausious, dizzy and got bad headaches. Most of the time I was just resting in bed. After they did scans, blood tests, etc they finally said it was CMV and it would just go away by itself as there was no treatment for it.

After having scans during this time, they found a tumor in my brain. They didnt know what it was for around 6 weeks and I had to get more testing done. They finally found out that it was only a Pineal Cyst and it was quite common and there was no threat. That was a relief after several weeks of thinking I was going to die or have to have brain surgery to remove it.

During this time I contracted extreme depression and agoraphobia. I didnt want to go outside, didnt answer the phone or door, didnt want to speak to friends or family, I just wanted to stay at home and not do anything. All motivation was lost.

This is where I started to see my current psychiatrist who is Fantastic. He tried me on several different meds before finding Zoloft was the one for me. I then finally returned to work after amost a year off.

My wife and I then had another baby and roughly 3 months after he was born, I started getting really bad anxiety and panic attacks. Id never had panic attacks before and they scared the crud out of me. My doctor upped my medication and I returned to work successfully.

This brings me to this year. My 5 year old niece passed away from a rare form of leukemia in April which was one of the worst things I have gone through and then a month later we found a large tumor growing in my youngest sons upper thigh and it was growing extremely fast. By the time he had it removed it was 10 cm long. My wife and I were absolutely shattered over this time and of course I was away from work again.

The tumor turned out to be benign and we breathed a sigh of relief and thanked the heavens. Like the weight of the world was lifted from our shoulders. After watching our neice battle leukemia, and then finding out about the tumor on our little man, we were shot.

The operation was a success and as I said was benign. That was about 6 weeks ago.

My work has now said that if I dont get back to working full time on a regular basis, they will review my employment (I got this letter 2 weeks ago). I got back to work Tuesday and Wednesday last week but didnt make it Thurs or Fri. Ive been getting really really bad anxiety and have the feeling I dont want to be working there anymore. I feel like I have lost the passion for my work. I feel like Im at a crossroads in my life.

Im forever greatful for my employer who have supported me over the past 3 years. But for some reason I feel like they dont want me there any more. They are fed up with me not being there which is understandable I guess.

My Doctor has said to just think of it like I am going to work to warm the seat until I work out what I want to do with my career. But I am still having problems getting in now. I dont really want to be there and every time I try go to work, I get so anxious and sometimes get panic attacks. I am also afraid of having panic attacks at work (Ive had a few of them at work and they are just horrible to have at work).

I try tell myself everything will be ok. I have xanax to help calm me down. I try stay positive. My wife is my rock and supports me 100%. She is the most beautiful person (inside and out) on the planet to me. But I keep having the same problem. I get half way to work and anxiety takes over. Fear takes over. I end up turning around and coming home. Then try again 1 or 2 more times in the morning to get in but the same thing happens.

I just want to provide for my family, I dont want to lose my job, I want to get better.

On a side note my Dr has slowly taken me off zoloft and put me on Pristiq as he feels the zoloft has lost its effectiveness recently.

**In the past day, because I didnt make it into work Thur/Fri/Mon, my boss has sent me an email stating they are again reviewing my employment and I have to respond by close of business today. I have sent a long email pleading my case and explaining all that has happened to me over the past 3 years and how them releasing me on medical grounds would personally set my disorder back ten fold.

I'm now freaking out about what will happen if I lose my job. My income protection through my super wont cover me if I am released from my job however I could possibly make a lump sum partial disability claim.

I fear losing my house. I fear it will be extremely difficult to find another job. I just want to feed my family...

Very sorry for the long post but I had to get this off my chest somehow. I have also found myself to be writing things down recently about how I feel about things and what has happened throughout the past few days. It seems to help and is quite therapeutic.

If anyone has some advice or anything they want to share, please do so. It would be much appreciated.

Thank you all.

Xt

[Xtee]

Hi thanks for the reply.

I have seen 2 psychologists and they have helped me understand why and how it all works and my psychiatrist helps me to understand also. I do grasp what is happening and they have all given me tools and ideas to practise to help reduce the anxiety however they havent really had a huge effect. They have to a degree but the same things seem to be happening.

I dont know how to explain this, but I'm the kind of person who needs to know why things work and how. Not in a manual way, like how to build a house, but just general knowledge. I am fascinated by the universe and things like that and I yearn to know how it all works. I still dont fully grasp why this is all happening to me even after seeing 2 psychologists.

I have not had any suisidal thoughts. But I feel I dont know what to do anymore or where my life is heading. I have 2 very young kids, a fantastic and extremely supportive wife and a house. I just want to support my family. But this illness seems to have taken over my life. Ive tried so many things, medications, breathing techniques, trying to understand why its happening, trying to understand how its happening, trying to change my mindse/frame of mind, try to ignore the anxiety, etc etc.

I do seem to be getting better but now work has thrown a spanner into the works and put me under enormous pressure to return to work or they will terminate my employment. This is making me worse.

Sorry for the long rant again.

I do like to get things off my chest and writing seems to help me a lot and once I get going, I find it hard to stop (maybe I should write a book lol).

Thanks

Xt

[Schatmeisje]

Oh XT :-( i know just how you feel with the work situation, i fought and fought tp keep my job, but i found the more i was put under pressure, the worse the panic attacks got for me, to the point where i felt so awful and terrified to go there, i didnt leave the house at all !! I know for me, pressure is a big trigger for my atttacks.
After 3 weeks of absolute hell i gave in and left my job (i was given a choice to take 2 weeks pay and resign, or get fired and receive nothing), and you know what, i am glad im not there anymore. Financially its awful and i have had to stop my therapy, but mentally i am feeling so much better, and looking for something i actually like doing, and studying a new field at the same time.
I really do feel for you, as i know when i was going through that it was honestly the most stressful situation i had ever been in.
Maybe try taking the pressure off yourself by knowing that if it does happen and you lose your job, it will give you the opportunity to concentrate on yourself for a little bit, and also find something you really love doing.
Wisshing you all the best, and im sure everything will work out for you xx

[brady]

I have considered leaving my job because of attacks before but its best to just stick at it.

[Xtee]

Gah, this is the second time I wrote this... first time I got errored out of the webpage and didnt copy what I had written.

Anyway here is an UPDATE!

The same morning I wrote the above posts, I decided that was the time I was to set things right once and for all. It was all or nothing.

I asked work for 3 weeks annual leave (even though my employment was under review) so I could spend 100% of my focus on ME. I was too caught up in getting to work, having panic attacks, was tired, worn out.... just a mess. To my surprise, a week later they agreed to the leave and my employment is no longer under review.

The same morning I searched and searched for the psychologist I was seeing around 24-28 months ago (she left to go overseas - hence why I stopped seeing her). I found her, back in AUstralia, the next suburb from my home! Ive now seen her around 6 times and have been put under hypnosis (wow I was shocked at this as Im skeptical at these sorts of things) once. She is doing everything she can to help me and she is just amazing. I see her again tomorrow.

I return to work on the 12th of October and Im actually looking forward to it. The past 2-3 weeks that I have focused on myself have been amazing. I have written songs, relaxed, studied anxiety and panic disorders to understand it more, and Im reading a book my psychologist gave me (Sorry cant remember the name off the top of my head but its about releasing your creativity/inner artist).

And Im looking to join that website posted above maybe just for 1 month to see what its like. Im looking at it right now.. lol

Anyway, just thought Id update you all.

Thanks

Xt